Nicky Blue's Blog, page 69
November 13, 2018
Hot Love Inferno – Out on November the 24th!
I’m happy to announce the release date for my new novella: November the 24th!
Hot Love Inferno: A Dark Comedy Fantasy Adventure (Prophecy Allocation Book 2)
“Read it in one sitting and couldn’t stop laughing. Gag a minute. Dark comedy at it’s finest!” (Goodreads review)
A half-woman, half-cockroach fused in a bizarre gardening accident? That would be Mrs Jittery Twitch, dwelling in the shadows of our misdeeds. If in danger, you can call upon her help… all she asks is your soul as payment. But she’s just a legend, so no need to worry.
Barry Harris is a 28-year-old man, still living with his dear old mum in a little flat above a hairdresser. His obsession with Star Trek and the martial arts won’t help him when he’s forced out on a date.
And nobody knows about the weird string of events that’s about to put everyone’s lives in danger. A trio of samurai warriors and the strangest offer of help lead Barry on a perilous mission to save the day.
(This book is the second in the Prophecy Allocation series but works fine as a standalone read.)
Why you should read this book:
It explains revolutionary insights into the nature of reality that debunk the myth of free will (probably).
It proves the multiverse has only two parallel universes (depending on your criteria for what makes up proof).
It contains 50% extra innuendo-based gags than Book One in the series. Some of them might be considered funny (again this is relative).
The author achieved a heightened dynamic tension not found in other books. He was heavily constipated during its creation. There may be a link. The author is no way suggesting that this makes it better than every other book ever written.
Warning: The book is written in British English. All British slang terms are helpfully translated for the international reader, along with a short explanation of why British people are a little strange.
Perfect reading for fans of Tom Holt, Terry Pratchett, Robert Rankin, Christopher Moore or Douglas Adams.
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October 14, 2018
September 21, 2018
My Top Five Dark Comedy Novels
If you are anything like me, you will find the growing trend in dark humour is pleasing. I like being taken out of my comfort zone and challenged in the way I see the world. I believe dark comedy- when done well – is very effective at doing this. 2018 has been a great year for dark comedy literature on the whole so far, and here are my picks for the most entertaining reads from the genre which are worth picking up. I hope you enjoy them!
‘Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine’ – Gail Honeyman
Ever wondered if your life is just that little bit too mundane? Eleanor Oliphant hasn’t – she’s perfectly happy with her daily routines and quirks – but even the slightest and nicest of moments can threaten to shatter her comfort zone for good. Can she – horror of horrors – adapt to change? This darkly comic tale is an award-winner for Gail Honeyman, her first novel – and a big best-seller – bringing into focus what it means to break from our everyday chains once in a while, and the internal struggles which come with it.
‘Checking Out’ – Nick Spalding
Bestselling author Nick Spalding returned this year with his latest novel turn – and, perhaps a little like Eleanor Oliphant, Checking Out is a tale of taking advantage of the world outside your comfort zone, though with perhaps a slightly different slant. Nathan James finds his own life and routine – which he’s perfectly happy with, of course – twisted upside down and turned inside out when he’s informed he’s on borrowed time – quite literally. Looking death directly in the eyes, Nathan finds himself on a darkly bonkers adventure packed with laughs – as well as plenty of touching, and somewhat intense moments – celebrating the one life we all have to lead.
‘The Perpetual Astonishment of Jonathon Fairfax’ – Christopher Shevlin
Jonathon Fairfax isn’t exactly the most socially adept man on the planet – but unfortunately, he’s just unwittingly help commit murder, and he’s about to find himself entangled in a twisted, conspiracy-laden mess that’s going to rely on his sense of cunning and charisma – neither of which really seem to come naturally. An unwitting hero adventure that’s full of touching scenes alongside genuinely barmy, dark twists of humour that have been compared to the works of Douglas Adams, Jonathon Fairfax is a character you can really root for – and he needs all the help he can get.
‘The Accidental Further Adventures of the Hundred-Year-Old Man’ – Jonas Jonasson
Jonas Jonasson follows up his massive bestseller in ‘The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared’ with an equally bizarre and twisting tale about the perils we may come across in our twilight years. That being said, it’s perhaps a little unlikely we’ll find ourselves over the hill and in the midst of a North Korean nuclear skirmish – but this fast-paced adventure is just as wild and rambling as its title suggests. Jonasson has a knack of going absolutely full-pelt with wacky twists and turns while keeping things blissfully coherent – a fantastic skill.
‘How to Be Dead’ – Dave Turner
How do you follow up a title like that? Easy – with a comedy fantasy focusing on what happens when an everyday bloke crosses paths with Death itself – a cosmic grim reaper tasked with helping humanity one stiff drink at a time. Can simple, everyday Dave hold onto his marbles while meeting up with the harbinger of souls himself? Is Dave a match for Death? It’s a lot of fun finding out – and thankfully, author Dave Turner has plenty of these tales to come.
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August 20, 2018
The Apocalypse Is Coming
The Apocalypse Is Coming
It’s true,
I know it is,
I’ve seen it on t. v.
Rain will turn to fire and robots will hunt people.
Everyone will have to move to Africa.
Or is it the other way around?
The Apocalypse Is Coming
I read it in a book.
Everyone’s legs will fall off and genetically modified worms will eat your brains.
It will be like Mad Max.
Nostradamus predicted Mad Max apparently. But in real life he will be a superhero that comes to rescue everyone.
Mad Max will save us.
The Apocalypse Is Coming
It’s all over the internet.
The government doesn’t mention it.
They think a strong economy will stop us burning.
I don’t think I trust the government anymore.
The Apocalypse Is Coming,
Don’t let them tell you any different.
It’s not a matter of how,
just when.
With the amount of research I’ve carried out,
I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong,
I hope not,
I’ve just bought a t shirt with it on.
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August 15, 2018
A Review of Escape From Samsara by Gabriel Constans
If you even remotely like Alice In Wonderland, The Good Place, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe, Dr. Who, or old kung fu ninja movies, you’ll love this hilarious story by @itsnickyblue. Here’s my review.
August 10, 2018
August 7, 2018
A Watched Pot: A psychological thriller with a killer twist
Graham is trying his hardest to save his marriage. When his wife Cressida, invites two new friends over for dinner he offers to cook even though he has no experience with vegan food.
Something troubles Graham about the couple but he can’t quite put his finger on it. He takes a journey into Facebook to find a terrible truth which creates a sinister consequence.
My new short thriller on Amazon – Get it Here
Revenge is a dish best served blistering hot!
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July 9, 2018
Terry Pratchett Instagram Book Giveaway
Come and join me over on Instagram for a Terry Pratchett Book Giveaway. Win the book ‘SOUL MUSIC’ by Terry Pratchett signed by the author! Just click on the photo below.
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June 18, 2018
The Missing Citizen
Sebastian woke up at 6am, drank two cups of coffee and ate a bowl of white broth. A nutrient soup the government was issuing since rationing measures began. He had a five-minute shower then left the house. Not for work as you would expect, but to walk two blocks to Hampstead Police station, naked. How he made it to the station without being arrested is anyone’s guess.
‘I wish to report a theft please.’
‘Sir, you are naked-’
‘I think you’ll find that isn’t accurate…to be naked you need to be showing genitalia and as you can see, I am not.’
‘I’d prefer not to look sir, can you tell me exactly what’s been stolen.’
‘One cock, an arsehole and a pair of bollocks.’
‘I see, please wait here sir.’ The officer disappeared into a door at the back of the station and returned next to a tall man with black greasy hair. He impatiently swept his fringe out his eyes so he could look down at a clipboard he was holding. The action exposed an animated tick just below his right eyebrow. He looked over Sebastian into the distance as he spoke.
‘I’m chief inspector Mosley, I run the Missing Persons Department-’
‘But I’m not a missing-’
‘Come this way please sir.’
Sebastian was led up a spiral staircase to a small room at the top of the building. He noticed the initials M.P.D. in brass lettering on the door as he entered. The room was empty except for a chair and rusty filing cabinet. Inspector Mosley lent against the wall and looked out of the window.
‘Please make yourself comfortable sir, Can you tell me how this happened?’
Sebastian drew in a deep breath,
‘Here’s the thing, I was using a pleasure site last night…I was plugged in…it said it was government approved but-’
‘There are a lot of hoax sites springing up, sir.’
‘There’s no way I can stay like this, you must help me.’ Sebastian looked down into his lap, his head dangling like a rag doll.
‘This is a very serious and complicated business sir, over the last six months we have had a sharp spike in reports of online genitalia theft. Too many to keep up with. We think it’s the work of a radical gender anarchy group called “Generation Sex”. They have worked out a way to turn matter into virtual energy. We think their aim is to create an invisible class of people.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘In the eyes of the law, you no longer exist.’
‘And yet, I’m sitting in front of you…’
‘As I say, it’s complicated sir. You are no longer male or female. That means your identity is now fraudulent, at least your legal identity is. Your passport, birth certificate, insurance, mortgage, everything will need to change before to can continue to operate in society. However, recent government policy has removed our population codes for gender neutrals. This leaves us at a bit of an impasse.’
Sebastian threw his arms in the air. ‘Why the hell have they done that?’
‘Please calm down sir. We do have a way to help you. The government are close to stabilising reanimation techniques which will enable us to reclaim your identity. We will be sending you to a rehabilitation unit on the Isle Of White tomorrow. I will need to stay here in a holding cell for processing until you leave.’ Inspector Mosley made eye contact with Sebastian for the first time. ‘You won’t be there long, I assure you.’
‘How many of us are there?’
‘Around 2 million…growing rapidly by the day.’ Inspector Mosley walked over to the door and signalled for Sebastian to follow him. He was taken downstairs and into a holding cell at the back of the station. The inspector handed him some brown overalls and slammed the iron grid door behind him. Sebastian could just make out a silhouette of someone in the corner of the cell as he slumped onto the concrete bed and sank his head into his hands.
A brittle voice reached out of the darkness ‘Another missing citizen hey?’
Sebastian squinted in the half-light, ‘So I’m told.’
‘You’ll be going to the island then?
‘Yeah, I’m hoping it won’t be for long. I’m just gonna see it as a holiday. I’ll be home as soon as the government sort out this reanimation business.’
‘You believe that I suppose?’
‘yeah… why wouldn’t I?’
‘And you believe it was some sort of radical group that did this to us?’ The figure got up and started shuffling towards Sebastian.
‘Sure, what are you getting at?’
‘I hate to break it to you, but you’re never coming back, ever.’ The man appeared from the shadows. Half of his body and face were missing, rubbed out, a pixelated blur. He opened a bloodshot eye and looked down at Sebastian.
‘This is no theft, it’s a disease, it spreads like a virus.’
Sebastian rocked backwards hitting the wall hard. ‘This is bullshit, I don’t know what you’ve got mate, but I’m gonna be fine.’
‘That’s what they all say. I’ve seen hundreds come through this cell and it’s always the same. No one wants to hear the truth. They kept me here as a test case to see what would happen. I’m slowly dissolving into a virtual abyss. I’m no good to anyone now, not like you and the others.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘At least you have one last function…I call it population control…the government call it something quite different.’
‘What!’
‘White broth.’
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