Troy Maynard's Blog, page 3

Hollow Teens

Teen Girl in Blazer: “Everyone thinks my costume is Hillary Clinton.”

Random Mom: “I thought you were from the movie Mean Girls.”

Blazer: “No, I’m from the movie Heathers.”

Rando: “What’s the difference between Heathers and Mean Girls?”

Me: “About 20 years.”

Filed under: Getting Older, People Watching, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Costumes, Halloween, Heathers, High School, Hillary Clinton, Mean Girls, Movies, Teen Angst, The More Things Change

I published a book!

[image error]I finally did it! (angels sing)

My first ever book, How to Raise Viking Children and Other Tales of Woe, is now available! Like, officially. For realsies. You can get more details and even purchase a copy directly on my (very ugly) self-publishing eStore.

If you’d like a signed copy — because CLEARLY I am a famous author whose signature is VERY valuable (eyeroll) — I plan to get a table at many of the geeky conventions around Indiana/Ohio. You can always grab a signed copy and probably a healthy “show-only” discount, plus no shipping costs! I’ll be posting all the dates/locations of those opportunities on social media. And if you can’t make it to a con, just contact me and we’ll work something out.

Most of all, thank you to all my friends and family who have hounded me for years to create a book. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed making it.

Peace and Love!

Troy (Very Vocal Viking)

 

Filed under: Books and Reading, Parenting, Personal Writings, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Author, Book, Famous, Writing, Writing a Book

IT HAPPENED

OMG!

Two days ahead of schedule, it has happened.

I PUBLISHED MY BOOK

Click here —-> to read the official announcement page

Click here —-> to read the official announcement page

Filed under: Books and Reading, Living Large, Married Life, Parenting, Personal Writings, Things My Kids Say, Viking Stuff Tagged: (angels sing), Author, Books, DM, Finally, LMT, MOG, Self-Publishing, Writing, WW

Counter Weight

Me: “I need two wrist bands for the boys here for your unlimited go-karts please.”

Counter Dude: “Is one riding with you, or both by themselves?”

Me: “No, none for me. I’m too big.”

Dude: “Nah, our karts are nice and big. Kids ride with adults all the time.”

Me: “No, I’m too big.”

Dude: “Seriously, see the sign… weight limit is 350. That means they can hold up to 350 lbs and still move pretty good. As long as you and the kid don’t weigh over 350 together, you should be fine.”

Me: “No, I’m saying that I weigh over 350 lbs all by myself.”

(long pause)

Dude: “Whoa. Really?”

Me: “Really.”

(long pause)

Dude: “Sorry.”

Me: “Story of my life, man.”

Filed under: Living Large, People Watching, Things My Kids Say Tagged: (long pause), Big Dude, Go-Karts, Large Viking, Living Large, No Go-Kart For You, Too Big To Fail, Weight Limit

Better By Daddy

My Oldest, age 16: “I bought new wiper blades, but can you put them on my car for me?”

Me: “It would be better for me to show you…”

Oldest: “Please, Daddy? I’ll pay you with… love… and… love. That’s all I’ve got.”

(long pause)

Me: “As you wish, dear.”

Filed under: Parenting, Things My Kids Say Tagged: As You Wish, Chores, Love, MOG, Paid In Full, Teach A Man To Fish, Wiper Blades

The Good, The Bad, And The Carbs

Good news: I slept REALLY well last night.

Bad news: Slept through my alarm.

Good news: Kids were awake.

Bad news: They decided me oversleeping meant they could watch cartoons in their pajamas.

Good news: I woke up eventually on my own.

Bad news: Had to drive them to school, 20 minutes away.

Good news: They were only 15 minutes late.

Bad news: Now I’m 20 minutes from home.

Good news: I’m only 10 minutes from Wee Willie’s and their #9 breakfast platter.

Bad news: The #9 breakfast platter is NOT low carb.

Good news: I don’t care.

Filed under: Getting Older, Parenting, Road Trips, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Cartoons, DM, LMT, Miss The Bus, No Alarm, NOT Low Carb, Overslept, Sleeping In, They Know Better, Wee Willie's

Sounds Like Marriage

(I drop the salt)

Wonderful Wife: “That was sorta clumsy of you.”

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

WW: “You can’t just decide to not hear something.”

Me: “It is the sovereign right of all husbands to not hear anything we don’t want to hear.

It’s been that way since marriage was invented.”

WW: “That’s not how that works. That’s not how any of this works.”

(long pause)

Me: “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”

Filed under: Food & Recipes, Married Life, Things My Kids Say Tagged: (long pause), Clumsy, Marriage, Rules Are Rules, Selective Hearing, That's Not How That Works, WW