Troy Maynard's Blog, page 2
December 5, 2017
Show Your Love
[image error]I am very happy to announce that I now have a regular column in the Limestone Post Magazine, called ‘My Dad Voice’.
I am honored and so happy to be part of such a cool outfit. Be sure to check out my column and all the other cool and informational posts. Always something interesting to read and learn!
Also, this article allowed me to achieve a bucket-list item that I didn’t even know I had… a Father/Son Viking Photoshoot!
http://www.limestonepostmagazine.com/dad-voice-saying-love-out-loud/
Filed under: Books and Reading, Parenting, Personal Writings, Things My Kids Say, Viking Stuff Tagged: Columnist, DM, I Love You, Limestone Post Magazine, Love Language, Published, Published Author, Viking Photos [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
The Clean Version
Danger Monkey, age 11, buckling seat belt: “Do we have to take your car?”
Me: “What’s wrong with my car?”
DM: “It’s just really messy back here.”
Me: “And why is that?”
DM: “Well, you’re not as strict as Mom on leaving things in the car, so really it’s your fault.”
(long pause)
Me: “Soooo… I haven’t even put the car into gear yet… and you’re complaining that your area is messy… because I don’t make you clean up your mess.”
DM: “Yes, exactly.”
(long pause)
Me: “Alright, then unbuckle your seat belt.”
DM: “Yes! We’re taking Mom’s car!”
Me: “Uh… no. You’re cleaning up your mess.”
DM: “Aw, man.”
Me: “How did you think this was going to end any other way?”
Filed under: Faith In Humanity, Parenting, Road Trips, Things My Kids Say, Wisdom Tagged: (long pause), Blame Game, Car Rides, Clean Up After Yourself, DM, Messy, Strict Discipline [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 30, 2017
Grandpa Rollo
Just thought everyone should know that I recently learned that I’m a direct descendant of a famous Viking, Rollo Hrólfr, the first Duke of Normandy.
Here is my favorite part of his bio:
“The byname ‘Walker’ is usually understood to suggest that Rollo was so physically imposing that he could not be carried by a horse and was obliged to travel on foot.”
Sound like anyone you know?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rollo
Filed under: Living Large, Viking Stuff Tagged: Genealogy, Go Big or Go Home, Large Viking, Viking Blood, Viking Stuff [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 22, 2017
Hug It Out
Me: “Hey! Come here.”
Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Do I have to?”
Me: “Yes, I want to give you a hug.”
LMT: “OK. Sure.”
(she stiffens, arms at her sides)
Me: “What’s wrong, kiddo? Do you not want a hug?”
LMT: “I guess I’m not in the mood.”
Me: “You know, it’s your body. You get to decide who gets to touch you, and when and where. Only your Mom and I and sometimes Doctors get to make any decisions about your body, and that’s only while you’re young. And I promise we don’t do any of that unless it’s absolutely important for your health and safety, like when you’re sick. Otherwise, you are the one and only boss of your body. You don’t have to hug anyone if you don’t want to. Ever.”
LMT: “Not even you and Mama?”
Me: “Nope. Not even me and Mama.”
LMT: “Good! Now I’m in the mood for a giant hug!”
Me: “Yay! How nice! I’m really glad that makes you happy.”
(she makes a grand gesture of swinging her arms wide around to my back)
(hugging)
LMT: “Thanks, sucker!” (runs off giggling)
Me: “That was nice, except for the sucker part.”
(long pause)
Me: “Wait a… Hey! Where’s my wallet!?!?”
LMT: (hysterical giggling from the other room)
Filed under: Faith In Humanity, Healthy Lifestyle, Parenting, Things My Kids Say, Wisdom Tagged: (giggling), (hugging), (long pause), Bodily Autonomy, Confident Women, LMT, Pickpocket, Theft, Wallet, Your Body Your Choice [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 18, 2017
For Sale, Eleven Year Old Boy
FOR SALE: Eleven year old boy, cheap.
Full disclosure – he sings all day about farts and snot. He fights constantly with his sister and tracks in mud. His room looks like a tornado just hit.
Also, he’s very geeky. He loves gaming, dressing like an elf, and digging holes out in the woods for hours.
But he can also be quite charming. And kind, I guess, sometimes. He’s industrious, wicked smart, and incredibly loyal.
Very snuggly.
Beautiful.
Brave.
Nevermind. He’s not for sale.
Filed under: Faith In Humanity, Parenting, Things My Kids Say Tagged: DM, Frustrating, Geeky Dad is Proud, Good With The Bad, Potty Humor, Snuggling [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 14, 2017
OK Google
(driving)
Me: “Hey kids, listen to what my phone can do without me even touching it”
(clears throat)
Me: “OK Google, play funk music.”
(Google Assistant plays funk music)
Danger Monkey, age 11: “What else can it do?”
Me: “I don’t know. Let’s see. OK Google, play monkey noises.”
(Google plays monkey noises)
Little Miss Thing, age 8: “Hey Google! Do a dance!”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t think…”
DM: “Google, play fart noises!”
LMT: “Google, jump out the window!”
DM: “Google, access Dad’s bank account!”
Me: “Hey now…”
LMT: “Google, take control of the car and drive us to ice cream!”
DM: “Google, transfer $100 from Dad’s checking account and mail it to me!”
Me: “And… we’re done.”
(turns off phone)
Filed under: Geekiness, Parenting, Road Trips, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Bodily Functions, DM, Google, Hands Free, LMT, Monkeys, Potty Humor, Road Trip, Technology, That Escalated Quickly, Too Smart, Wire Fraud [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 12, 2017
Perspective
Me: “I’m feeling stressed.”
My Oldest, age 16: “How stressed?”
Me: “Uh…”
Oldest: “Like, on a scale of 1 to Winona Ryder in Stranger Things, how stressed are you?”
(long pause)
Me: “I guess I’m not all that stressed.”
Oldest: “Glad I can help.”
Filed under: Geekiness, Parenting, Things My Kids Say Tagged: (long pause), MOG, Perspective, Stranger Things, Stress, Winona Ryder [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error] [image error]
November 7, 2017
Surprise Me
(driving)
Kids: “Where are we going?”
Me: “It’s a surprise.”
Danger Monkey, age 10: “Give us a hint.”
Me: “No.”
Little Miss Thing, age 8: “If it’s cleaning port-a-potties, I’m going to be really mad.”
Me: “It’s not cleaning port-a-potties.”
LMT: “Is it Chuck E Cheez?”
Me: “No, it’s better than Chuck E. Cheez.”
DM: “Well, that doesn’t narrow it down much. Everything is better than Chuck E. Cheez.”
Filed under: Parenting, Road Trips, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Chores, Chuck E Cheez, DM, Hint, LMT, Out of School, Port-a-Potty, Surprise
November 6, 2017
Out of Work
Me: “Well, after a long day of hard work restoring my laptop, at least I can maybe be productive for the last hour of the workday.”
(phone rings)
Me: “Hello?”
Phone: “Hi, this is the school. Little Miss Thing and five of her friends stayed after for Girl Scouts, but there is no Girl Scouts meeting tonight. Can you please come get her?”
Me: …
Filed under: Parenting, Things My Kids Say Tagged: (phone rings), Girl Scouts, LMT, Missed The Bus, Oops, Productivity, Work From Home
November 3, 2017
Write Right
Danger Monkey, age 10: “So are you an author now? What about your other job?”
Me: “Yes, I’m an author and I published a book, but mostly I still do my regular job.”
DM: “Why?”
Me: “Well, it’s not that kind of book. It’s just for fun.”
DM: “You need to write another book. But this time, try harder.”
Me: …
Filed under: Books and Reading, Parenting, Personal Writings, Things My Kids Say Tagged: Author, Career, DM, Don't Quit Your Day Job, He's Not Wrong, High Expectations, Try Harder, Wrote A Book
