Chuck Wendig's Blog, page 227
December 9, 2012
In Which I Am Contacted By The “FBI”
The other day, I received this in my inbox:
Dear Sir/Madam
I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director; Roberts Mueller III. After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them. Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.
With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI, we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds. Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund. Therefore you are advise to re-confirm your delivery information as stated below.
DELIVERY INFORMATION:
FULL NAME:
HOME ADDRESS/COUNTRY:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
CELL PHONE NUMBER:
Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.
Mr.Ronald T.Hosko
Mr.Robert S. Mueller III
FBI DIRECTOR
So, y’know.
CLEARLY IT’S ALL REAL AND I’M GOING TO RECEIVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
I feel like this very important e-mail deserves dissection.
“I am Ronald T. Hosko,the personal secretary to the FBI Director…”
Wow, must’ve been quite a demotion, Ronnie-boy. Since the last time I checked, you were assistant director of CID at the FBI, not some go-fer who runs and fetches coffee and scrubs the calluses on Mueller’s gnarly feet. Sorry to hear about the downgrade. It’s tough out there for everyone, I guess.
“After proper investigations, we discovered that your pending payment which has been withheld by imposters for a very long time and they have been claiming to be who they are not, But with the Help of FBI we have been able to trace them.”
That is possibly the worst sentence I have ever read. My pending payment? What? Withheld by… imposters? Who are they, uhh, “imposting” as? Me? Why didn’t they just take the money and run?
Why are they “withholding” it? Those dummies.
And “But with the help of the FBI…” — dude, you are the FBI. You don’t need their help. YOU ARE THEM. You used to be assistant director of CID until you blew the wrong field agent or lost your iPhone in a Tuscon meth trailer and ended up getting dropped down to being a personal secretary.
Be proud of who you are, Doc Hosko!
“Our Investigation revealed that you have spent a lot of money just to conclude the successful transfer of your funds by obtaining transfer documents as requested by the impostors, but to no avail.”
No, I have not. I have not spent any money trying to transfer money. I spend a lot of money at Target. Is that what you mean? I love Target. Hell, my toddler loves Target. Any time we tell him we’re going somewhere in the car, he makes the car noise – b-r-r-r-r-r — and then says, “Tar-uh? Tar-uh!” and then we have to tell him we’re not going to Target today and he gives us a look like he’s going to fill his diaper with pure anger.
I don’t know who these imposters are, by the way, but they sound very ineffective.
“With the help of some of the best Internet investigators attached to the FBI…”
HOLY SHIT THE BEST INTERNET INVESTIGATORS? Like Earl “The Cyber-Hawk” Dingowhistle? Or Mary-Alice Krebs, the so-called “Mata Hari of Reddit?” Or what about that robot detective, 110100101 Jones? I feel so fucking lucky to have them on my case!
And apparently they’re attached to the FBI.
One assumes with zip-ties or Velcro.
“…we got your e-mail address from the Internet as the beneficiary of this Inheritance Funds.”
Yeah, I don’t know what that means.
I assume you got my email off the Internet. I mean, it’s not on billboards or cool enough to be some celebrity’s tattoo. Or wait, is the Internet a dude? Like, did you meet him somewhere and he gave you my address? I always thought the Internet might be a person.
“Series of meeting have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization.”
HOLY SHIT, THAT GUY IS INVOLVED NOW? Man, my case must rate like right up there to bring in the secretary general of the UNO. (I love their deep-dish pizza, by the way! It’s like cake! With cheese and sauce and meat! It’s cholesterol cake! I ate some last year and it’s still inside my heart! Literally!)
You know, you can tell me — are my impostors Al Qaeda agents?
I bet they are.
Oh, by the way, “meeting” should be pluralized there. I guess I’m just happy you didn’t pluralize with a possessive. That kind of thing will cause a writer to fill his diaper with pure anger.
“It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $9.5million due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.”
First, can we just be honest here? You need to learn the art of shorter sentences. I took a short nap in the middle of this one, hope that’s okay! Anyway, let’s see here –
I have not received my $9.5 million, that’s true.
And past Government Officials? Who almost held the fund to themselves for their one collective selfish reason? OH FUCK NO. I wonder what that selfish reason was? Maybe they were going to buy a speedboat. Like, I figure, if you have a shit-ton of money, a really flashy speedboat is a pretty good way to blow some illicit cash. Or like, the world’s biggest warehouse of styrofoam peanuts. It’d be like swimming in packing peanuts. You could have such adventures! You could recreate the hunt for the White Whale! “ARRR CALL ME ISHMAEL. THERE I SEE ME THE ALABASTER WHALE, AHAB.” Or whatever.
I never actually read Moby Dick.
Anyway.
Those selfish impostor assholes! Maybe they just wanted to buy everything inside Target. Lord knows I do!
I will say that them trying to “swindle” and “take advantage of” my fund makes it sound like the fund is also a person. Are the Internet and the Fund two dudes having crazy cyborg adventures in the American desert? Some sci-fi version of Fear and Loathing? *eyes go wide*
*begins taking notes*
I call dibs on that idea, by the way. Dibs! DIBS. Hands-off. *points gun*
In the meantime, let me just give you all my so-called “delivery information”…
There we go. I assume that such an epic amount of money will have to arrive via like, UPS? Or maybe you’ll back up a truck. OR A SPEEDBOAT OMG. Maybe you’ll air-drop it onto my lawn? That’d be pretty sweet. The last thing I had airdropped onto my lawn was a chunk of human waste frozen to the underside of a 747 like a frosty dingleberry. It crushed my treehouse. And my heart.
What will I do if the impostors keep, er, imposting?
“Note: You are to forward any email received from those Scammer to my email address ( mr.ronaldthosko2@yahoo.com ) so we can be able to trace them and eradicate them from cheating innocent people.”
THOSE DAMN SCAMMER.
I will email you, Ronaldo, old boy. That way we can — as you say – eradicate them.
Fuck yeah, we’ll trace the shit out of them.
And then eradicate even more shit out of them.
FUCK YEAH.
I appreciate it, Ronbo. Kick-ass.
I look forward to my air-drop of money.
Oh, and hey — thanks for helping out here. Tell Mueller and the sec-gen of PIZZERIA UNO that I appreciate them looking out for me like this. And I’m sorry to hear about your demotion.
*sits on lawn, waits for cash*
*dreams of speedboats and Target shopping*
December 7, 2012
Mockingbird (Miriam Black #2)
Miriam is trying. Really, she is.
But this whole “settling down thing” that Louis has going for her just isn’t working out. She lives on Long Beach Island all year around. Her home is a run-down double-wide trailer. She works at a grocery store as a check-out girl. And her relationship with Louis–who’s on the road half the time in his truck–is subject to the piss and vinegar Miriam brings to everything she does.
It just isn’t going well. Still, she’s keeping her psychic ability–to see when and how someone is going to die just by touching them–in check. But even that feels wrong somehow. Like she’s keeping a tornado stoppered up in a tiny bottle.
Then comes one bad day that turns it all on her ear.
Available for in print and e-book at:
You can read the first 50+ pages right here, for free:
Open publication – Free publishing – More chuck wendig
Praise For Blackbirds (Miriam Black #1)
“Blackbirds is a horror story, a traveling story, a story of loss and what it takes to make things right. It’s a story about fate and how sometimes, if we wrestle with it hard enough, maybe we can change it. Blackbirds is the kind of book that doesn’t let go even after you’ve put it down and nobody else could have made it shine like Chuck Wendig.”
- Stephen Blackmoore, author, City of the Lost and Dead Things
“Mean, moody and mysterious, Blackbirds is a noir joyride peppered with black humour, wry observation, and visceral action. Fans of Chuck Wendig will not be disappointed.”
- Adam Christopher, author of Empire State
“A gleefully dark, twisted road trip for everyone who thought Fight Club was too warm and fuzzy. If you enjoy this book, you’re probably deeply wrong in the head. I loved it, and will be seeking professional help as soon as Chuck lets me out of his basement.”
- James Moran, Severance, Doctor Who and Torchwood screenwriter
“A deliciously morbid road movie waiting to happen, Blackbirds takes an ingenious central concept and riffs on it like some souped-up mutant conglomeration of Angus Young, James Hetfield and Keith Richards. Chuck Wendig should be both delighted and thoroughly ashamed of himself>”
- Jason Arnopp, scriptwriter of Stormhouse and Doctor Who: The Gemini Contagion.
“Enchanting and drowned in blood, Blackbirds is a meaty piece of fiction, a non-stop mind-job where the first hit hurts and you keep going back for more. It’s the kind of gritty, unapologetic story that grips you long after the book’s done; dark, intense, utterly without mercy. Chuck Wendig spins one hell of a tale.”
– Karina Cooper, author of the Dark Mission series
“Truly the dark fantastic. Blackbirds is one of the most amazing, gritty, gruesome, witty, terrifying, wonderful books I’ve been lucky enough to read this year.”
- Kat Richardson, author of the Greywalker Chronicles
“Gritty and raw, Blackbirds sports a unique heroine in the form of Miriam. Both sympathetic and pitiable, she dances through Chuck’s brilliant turns of phrase and crisp writing to an illuminating ending which begs the question: Are we truly masters of our own fate?”
- Allison Pang, author of A Brush of Darkness
“Balls-to-the-wall, take-no-prisoners storytelling at its best.”
-Bill Cameron, author of County Line.
“Chuck Wendig unloads with both barrels and Blackbirds hits you like a shotgun blast to the torso at close range.”
- Matthew McBride, author of Frank Sinatra in a Blender
“Wendig’s lean, muscular prose powers through a twisty page turner without wasting a word. His take on the classic prophesy tale is clever, fun and drops a new surprise on you every few pages, making it very hard to put down. A deliciously entertaining read.”
- C. Robert Cargill (AKA Massawyrm of Ain’t It Cool News and co-writer of Sinister)
“The writing is absolutely outstanding, it’s 100% my kind of narrative, there’s just not a single ounce of fat, it’s all muscle, that’s the best way I can describe it. Not a single word is wasted, every one of them packs a punch.”
- Fantasy Nibbles
“Chuck Wendig has raised the bar of the urban fantasy genre and introduced a dynamic new character who, if left to her own devices, will most likely steal more than just your heart.”
- New York Journal of Books
“… the characterisation is without a doubt the real highlight of the novel, managing to create living breathing people with a few deft strokes of a pen.”
- Anthony Jones, SFBook.com
“[Blackbirds is] the kind of book that has the potential to put Wendig on the map as a ‘must-read’ author – I know he’s made my list. Highly recommended.”
- SQT, Fantasy & SciFi Lovin’ News & Reviews
“Everyone dies eventually and the way it happens isn’t fair; the way you check out is the way you check out. Wendig appeals to the slightly nasty part of us that we don’t want to admit to but know is there. Who amongst us doesn’t secretly want to know how it all ends for us? And who amongst us doesn’t want to know how others die so that we can hope for something a little easier for ourselves?”
- Graeme Flory, Graeme’s Fantasy Book Review
“Blackbirds is a high energy, whisky-fuelled ride, that will pull you along for the journey and have you questioning whether we can change destiny. A must-read book by an author that is worth watching.”
- Hannah Mariska, Fantasy Faction
“This is urban fantasy, but done in a fresh, bloody, broody, exciting and exhilarating new way.Blackbirds is one of the best books of the year so far, and a real must read.”
- I Wish I Was a Book
