Chuck Wendig's Blog, page 285

Hey, Writerface: Don't Be A Dick (But Still Have Opinions)

I have occasionally seen sentiment that suggests writers should be little church mice.

They should become little peeping cheeping baby birds who shouldn't ruffle any feathers with talk of politics or religion or publishing or any of that for fear of losing a publishing deal or scaring off an agent or what-have-you. It becomes a game of tiptoe here, tiptoe there.

Don't shake the bushes. Don't stand up on the boat.

I call shenanigans on that.

Because that makes you boring. A boring writer is not a writer with a big audience.

Further, I think it makes you bored, as well. And a bored writer is… well, I dunno. Probably an alcoholic. Or a World of Warcraft addict.

Here, then, is a line in the sand. I have drawn it with my big toe.

Over here, this is where adults talk about adult subjects like (wait for it… waaaaait for it)… adults.

Over there, that's where adults devolve into foul-breathed trolls and Internet douche-swabs.

Live on this side of the line, and you're okay.

Cross over that side, and that's where you turn into a raging dick-brain.

We are living in an increasingly connected world thanks to this sticky spider's web called The Internet. I pluck my dewy thread over here, and you can feel it over there. That is — mostly — a good thing.

We are further living in a world where the audience is becoming as interested in the creator as they are the creator's creations. This has always been true to a small extent: once you start reading an entire author's catalog or going through a director's stable of films, you start to grow curious about the man or woman behind the curtain. But now it's becoming that new authors are working from their so-called buzzwordy bullshit "platforms," and the audience is starting out interested in the author as much as the author's works.

This is in a sense a little ridiculous: we want to be judged by our novels and films and placemats and vanity license plates, not by our online personas. And yet, we are. Reality is reality. No ignoring that.

This leads to that very simple Internet truism: don't be a dick.

But, the fear of violating that law has lead some people to become fearful of being who they are, and fearful of having interesting or unusual opinions. I think it's caused some degree of turtling in terms of worrying that what we say will somehow violate our chances of getting published or that it will decimate (in the truest sense of the word) our audience with one ill-made statement or sentiment.

And I think to some degree you have to get shut of that. You should be mindful of the shit you say, obviously. You, like every other adult out there, should have a pair of bouncers at your brain door ready to escort any unruly thoughts before they stumble drunkenly toward your mouth or fingers.

But don't be afraid to have opinions.

Just offer them with respect and tact. And an interjection of humor and self-deprecation just to confirm that you're not being some super-serious self-righteous blowhard.

And, when (not if) you inevitably cross the line in the sand from "The adults are talking" to "The dickwipes are howling and keening their gibbering dickery," then back up, throw up your hands, and offer a fast mea culpa — just like you would do off-line.

Don't hide from your own personality. Be who you are. Be the most awesome and interesting version of who you are. You are more than the sum total of your likes and dislikes of books and whiskey. You have controversial thoughts, hey, share them — provided you share them with tact, respect, and some ground given to the other side.

Do you have to be careful? Sure, of course. I've seen creators (be they writers, game designers, journalists, whoever) spout off and show the world their blow-hardy cranky-pants, and it turns me off. Most of the time I come back from the brink because I know I've done the same thing. Others, though, keep on keepin' on, and they won't stop beating their audience over the head with their opinions.

See, that's the trick. It's not the opinions that bothered me. It was the delivery of that opinion.

Remember: respect, tact, humor, self-deprecation.

And here, at terribleminds: a fuckbucket full of sweet, sweet profanity.

Have opinions.

Just don't be a dick about it.

From Bile To Buttercream: How A Writer Makes Use Of Rejection

You wanna be a writer? Then failure is not optional.

You know what? That feels like it needs some profanity.

Revision: "You wanna be a goddamn writer? Then failure is not fucking optional. Shitstain!"

Hm. I think the "shitstain" maybe went over the line. Cut it, and move on.

What I'm saying is –

If you are of the belief that everything you write is going to be a home run, that every ball you hit is going to pop the stadium lights and shower down magical sparks like in that Robert Redford baseball movie, then you are at best deluded, and at worst a dangerous psychotic who believes the cat is telling him to strangle the mailman.

You will write. You will submit. And you will be rejected.

Not once. But resoundingly over and over again. You'll start to feel like you're on a carousel ride, and on every go-around someone is punching you in the face instead of giving you cotton candy. The calliope music will be dizzying. The scent of funnel cake, cloying.

Rejection is a default state for the writer.

And so it falls to you to make use from it. Make hay from your failures. Build sculptures from your wreckage. Compost your garbage and let it grow new things.

In the past, I told you How Not To Deal With Rejection.

Now, it's time to find truth in rejection. Time to find a way to make it useful, energizing, empowering.

Or, as the title says, time to churn bile into buttercream, baby.

"See This? This Is My Battle Scar. It's In The Shape Of A Rejection Letter."

See this table full of little green plastic Army men? Right. Let's pretend a tactical nuclear missile tumbles out of the sky, belched forth from a North Korean rocket tube, and it takes out a good 3/4 of these toys.

*swipes them off the table with an angry arm*

We have now separated the Real Writers from the dilletantes.

I know, I know, it's not popular to talk about "real" writers. But I'm going to do it anyway, because I'm just that kind of blue meanie. I'm not talking about hobbyists. I'm talking about the talkers. The dilettantes. The people you meet at a party and they tell you, "Oh, I'm a writer, too," except no they are fucking not a writer, too, because they don't know shit about shit and they write shit (if they write at all) and they wouldn't know what being a writer is like if it snuck up behind them and shoved a typewriter up their ass.

Writers write. And writers submit.

And writers get rejected.

It is your battle scar.

Pull a sword from its scabbard and you can see if it's the weapon of a well-coiffed, soft-handed officer type because the metal is unmarred. No nicks in that edge. No flecks of blood still nesting in the nooks and crannies. A real soldier — the dude out there getting muddy and bloody — his sword looks like hell. Like it's cleaved skulls and pierced guts.

When you get rejected, it's like I said in the past — that's some Viking shit, right there. Sure, you got your ass handed to you, but you still stepped into the ring. You're no coward. You're no dilettante.

"Wait, So I'm Not Supposed To Submit My Manuscript On A Roll Of Previously-Used Toilet Paper? Are You Sure?"

I think a lot of writers do not possess the proper cognitive separation of The Manuscript and the Submission Of Said Manuscript. I know I felt that way once when I was a young buck, wet behind the ears and with a full-up diaper and other metaphors of youth and inexperience. I thought, "Well, my manuscript should sell itself. That, after all, is why I wrote it."

Yes, but you're ignoring reality just as I once did. The book in the bookstore doesn't let the manuscript sell itself. It has back cover copy. It has lovely cover art. It has quotes from other writers. None of these things are contained within your manuscript but rather, outside of it. And so you must embrace that.

The submission process is beholden to rules. It is, as the name suggests, a process.

You must follow those rules or otherwise be outed as a special snowflake (translation: jerkoff). You may think it's unfair. Sure, okay, but you did pass puberty, right? You're an adult human being? Then by now you've surely shed any illusions that life operates by the playground laws of Fair and Unfair.

You've been rejected over and over again, it is maybe time to reexamine your method of submission. Does your query letter snap-crackle-pop? Have you selected the correct five pages or chapter to submit alongside of it (if that's what they asked for)? Are you submitting to the wrong agents and editors?

Sometimes rejection is not a failure of your manuscript but rather, a failure of delivery.

"They Don't Actually Hate Me Personally, Do They?"

Rejection demands a shift in perspective. When you go up to a woman at a bar and you say, "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" and she's like, "Ew," and then stabs you in the hand with a cocktail fork, you can be pretty sure that her rejection is a little bit personal. She doesn't like your face, your shoes, your sour milk odor. Something about you personally made her all stabby-stabby.

This is not likely true of your submission's rejection, however.

Understand that this is a purely subjective industry. It's nothing personal. You maybe just haven't found the right editor or agent yet. When I was submitting to agents, I found that some really loved what I was showing them, but I also had rejections like, "I'm just not feeling it."

Nothing personal. They don't hate you. Let that lessen the sting.

"Hand Me Some Duct Tape, A Hammer, And That Lemur! There's Work To Do!"

A single rejection is not particularly useful. Whether it's a form letter or a detailed analysis, you shouldn't take it as anything indicative of your manuscript.

But get a bunch of those motherfuckers together and you start to see a picture emerge.

That picture might very well be: "Needs more work."

And so that's what you'll do. This is a good sign. It means you need to slap on some to-the-elbow rubber gloves and get deep in the guts and the junk and the radioactive materials and the rhinoceros uterus and start rearranging parts and wiping away the crap and delivering a squealing rhino baby. Rhino baby? No, I don't know. I think my metaphor got away from me there. Like a squirrelly gazelle, it leapt from my grip.

What I'm saying is, look at the big picture and decide: do I need to take this back to the drawing board?

Then do that. You have the power to make it more awesome. Especially if someone hands you specific criticisms. Criticism is a blessing in disguise, like a diamond ring in a pile of horse crap. Rescue the diamond. Use the criticism. Huzzah.

"Once More Into The Breach, Dear Friends!"

Rejection knocks you down.

So get your ass back up again. In fact, don't just get up. Grab that adrenalin rush from the pain two-handed like you're catching hold of a goddamn screaming bald eagle and let it launch you upward with a mighty shriek and as you land on your feet, start swinging.

Let rejection energize you, not enervate you.

As one project is out there drawing fire, take each rejection on the chin and as you get jacked up, keep writing. Write more. It's not only a good way to use that energy, but it's also a good way to remain distracted from the rejections. (This can backfire, too — as you get rejected, you might start feeling like you're not worth more than a sippy cup full of gopher diarrhea. Man, my dog once rolled around in gopher diarrhea — it was greasy and shot through with half-digested berries. That took a long time to wash out of his shepherd's coat, so trust me, you do not want to have to clean yourself of that feeling.)

In fact, it's not just about writing more. It's about submitting more. Fine. Editor X and Agent Z said "no." Your ten submissions came back as "Sorry, nuh-uh." Submit more. You're not done. You've got other avenues. Keep on keeping on. It's like that Tai Chi move where you redirect your opponent's attack, using his energy against him. Or something. What the fuck do I look like, a Tai Chi master? Please. I have a writer's body. I don't flow like water, move like air. I flow like Nutella and move like a pregnant narwhal.

"Oh Yeah? Ohhh Yeeeaah? I'll Write Something Even Better, And Then You Can Suck On That Lollipop, Publishing Industry! Boo-yah!"

Alternate version of the above lesson is, your rejections may teach you that this book just isn't The One. It's not going to be a bestseller. It's not going to even make it to the bargain bin.

That's a sad realization, but an important one.

And once more, it's time to redirect that energy. It's time to write a better book. It's that easy. This one didn't work, fine. Write a better one. All those successful authors on the shelves? That's exactly what they did. "Oh, this one sort of sucks, so the next one must suck less." And on and on until they don't suck at all.

You have to know when to give up on the book and focus energy on the next one.

"Turns Out, I'm Not A Writer After All. Who Knew?"

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: not everybody who wants to be a writer can be a writer. The numbers aren't just against you. They're really, holy shit what the fuck was I thinking? against you.

There may come a point when you have a stack of rejections from multiple projects and they are all uniformly non-glimmering, non-shimmering, not happy rejections. Nobody has hinted at your potential, no letter says that it wants to see more from you in the future, no one offered any notes at all. The majority of your rejections say "FUCK NO" and are written in pigeon's blood on a postcard.

You've had nothing published after repeated attempts across multiple projects.

Just as there comes a time to give up on one book to make way for a better one, there comes a time to give up on one career path to make way for a better one. This is not popular wisdom, of course. Popular wisdom dictates that we all follow our dreams endlessly — except, sometimes, our dreams are callous elves leading us down a path that dead-ends in a pocket of quicksand or a dragon's crushing maw.

I'm not saying that's you. I'm not saying to give up easily or even to give up at all. But I am saying that there comes a moment when you have to check your gut and say, "This really isn't me."

On the other hand, if you're saying, "I don't want that to be me," then fine. Don't let it be you. Writing is about failure. It's about perseverance. But it's also about improvement. It's about learning your craft and using the corpses of your failed manuscripts as a stairway to publication. You want to give up on being a writer, I wouldn't blame you. But if you don't want to give up, if you want to get published, then you need to take the rejections you've earned and use them. Use them to give you energy. Use them to get better.

This is the writer's thorny path.

Minecraft Jacks An 8-Bit Pick-Ax Into Your Brain

This, then, is Minecraft.

Imagine a game where you build with LEGO.

You have 13 minutes to do so.

Sure, you can waste those 13 minutes building spaceships or funny statues.

But you'd damn well better spend that time building a shelter. Because at the end of those 13 minutes?

Night comes.

And when night comes, so do the monsters.

And if you haven't built yourself a place to hide? You're dead.

Welcome to LEGO: Survival Horror edition.

My First Day Cycle

The game dropped my ass onto a sandy beach at morning. Not far away I saw them: great and mighty hills — hills comprising voxels of dirt, grass, and stone — rising up out of the fog.

I figured, hey, let's explore. I wandered up into those hills. I chopped down a tree for shits and giggles. And by "chopped," I mean, "punched with my blocky orange dildo hand until the tree yielded its sweet sweet tree meat to my violence." The tree, mysteriously, hovered there even when its base was destroyed. (Destroy its canopy and you may find yourself with a sapling in hand.)

Then I wandered some more. I witnessed voxel sheep and boxy chickens. Clunky cows be-bopped around. In the distance, out in the ocean, big Cthulhu-beard squid jerked and twitched.

I wandered across chasms.

I found a lake, and half of that lake was ice.

I almost drowned, but then learned how to swim.

Somewhere, I thought, "Hey, I'm going to dig. Just to see." So, with a hunk of wood in my hand, I began bashing the earth. My first mistake? The first several blocks, I bashed beneath my feet. Clarification: directly beneath my feet. I dropped down into a pit of my own making but thought, "I can get back out of here easily given how simple it is to bash earth into its component bits and bytes."

So, I kept digging. This time, at an angle.

Eventually, my tunnel grew dark. No light shone down here.

I started trying to make my way back up, but I noticed something:

The sun had gone down.

Uh-oh.

I began furiously punching and kicking the ground, making steps to get back out, but it was futile: I couldn't really see anything. I didn't know if I was even going up.

Then, I heard it: a phlegmy growl.

Little did I know, someone was down here with me. Suddenly, my screen filled with some awful face, and then a zombie murdered me and sucked marrow from my bones.

Well, I don't know that those are the exact details. Mostly, I died in the dark, a zombie atop me.

Second Day Cycle

I respawned back on my beach. I thought, okay, I need to build a shelter this time.

So, instead of digging down, I dug laterally — boring into the side of the hill like a worm toward the apple's heart. I bashed a tunnel, then a small room. When night came, I sealed myself into it.

And it was very dark.

Behind me, something growled.

Next thing I know, some monster was molesting my dead flesh.

Third Day Cycle

Fuck. Fuck. I figured, okay, I have to learn to survive here, or this just isn't going to work. I watched the "first night tutorial" found on the Minecraft site. And by watching that, I learned a truckload of information that would help me not get mouth-raped by skeletons, spiders, zombies, and creepers. I needed a pick-ax. And a workbench. And a sword. And a shovel. And, above all else, I needed some motherfucking torches.

Thing is, to get torches, you need coal.

And on this hill, I found no coal.

I ran around as the big voxel sun slowly slid like a pad of butter toward the horizon's end, struggling to find some way to make some goddamn light.

I did not find any coal.

Feel free to predict what happened. It probably involves words like "rectal violation," "monster," and "used my sweetbreads as pillows." Goddamnit. Fuck you, coal. Fuck you big.

Fourth Day Cycle

Once more, I spawned on the beach, increasingly convinced that this was some kind of 8-bit nightmare Groundhog Day rehash: this beach was becoming my accursed birthplace into this unsettling world.

I decided, fuck those hills right there, because those hills offer me only death.

I crossed a small oceanic strait and found myself amongst other hills. There, pressed up against the cliff-face, lurked a vein of coal next to a vein of iron. Huzzah! A cheer! But no time for celebration: only time for getting coal so I do not die horribly in the night. I quick did some crafting, ensuring that I got a pick-ax (the pick-ax is necessary to get coal), and I carved myself a uterine pocket of earth. As night fell, I sealed myself into what I prayed would not be my tomb.

Then, I watched night through my window. This is a long process. Night is seven minutes, and there I stood like an asshole, just watching the blinky stars creep across the sky.

I… heard things. Out there. And above me. The hissing of beasts. The rattling of bones. The growls of zombies. Occasionally, I heard a chicken die. Poor goddamn chicken.

But eventually, as it is with all bad things, night passed. The sun arose. Morning arrived.

I kicked open my earthen door, stepped out into the light.

Where I was promptly assaulted by a fucking giant spider.

What the hell, I thought? It's sun-up! Spiders can survive the sun? Seriously? Oh, goddamnit, they can, can't they? Shit shit shit. I took my sword out, though, and I whupped up on that blocky fuckface arachnid until all that was left was a tapeworm-esque pile of thread. Which I quickly absorbed into my inventory.

Ha. Hahaha! Hahahaha! I survived the night!

I did a little dance.

Then I went in search of more coal. I turned the corner, and came face to face with this blockhead asshole who promptly blew himself up.

He took half the cliff-face with him.

Oh, and me.

Death welcomed me anew.

Fifth Day Cycle

The beach belched me back up onto its sun-baked sands. Once again I crossed the strait, knowing that yes, I would find my little grotto, but that all my equipment was lost.

Except, it wasn't.

I rounded the bend and there, along the cliff-face and in the water were my blessed items: the ax, the blade, the building materials I had been carrying. I quickly swept them all up. I kissed my sword, which is not a euphemism for masturbation or self-performed blow-jobbery.

To celebrate, I murdered some cows. Which lead to the discovery that cows yield leather.

Chickens yield eggs.

I also found, mysteriously, bones and arrows. (No, not bows and arrows. Bones.) I guess some skeleton archers had a raucous party or something and… uhhh, exploded? Who the fuck knows? And really, who cares? Because now I have their bodies. Ho ho ho.

Once more, night came.

I hid. I dug more. I waited. Night came. Night went. Morning arose, and so did I, resurrected from my tomb. I heard the hissing of a spider, and I fucked that fucker up with my pixel-blade.

I was triumphant.

Thereafter

During the day, I explore. At night, I dig.

I've since dug myself a small labyrinth connected to my little hut. I found an underground stream. I found a cavern, too, but I sealed that back up, because I suspect that giving the sinister malefactors and undead interlopers a back-door entry into my zone of safety and comfort is bad news bears.

I carved myself a path all the way from the opening to the other side of the island. So now I have two exits and entryways if I need them. All of them lined with torches.

I don't know what happens now. I keep building. I keep crafting.

And somehow, I stay alive.

Later in the week I might mumble about the things I think make Minecraft… well, not great, but certainly interesting. I mean, I did all of the above in an hour, maybe an hour-and-a-half. Not a serious time commitment, but it felt epic. So, I have thoughts in that direction, but I need to play a little more and put them together. Anyone else play? Anyone do anything with multiplayer yet? I've only noodled with the one-man-world and found it surprisingly unsettling. I grow fascinated.

(Want a great fan-made trailer to sell you on Minecraft? I've embedded it below.)

Anatomy Of A Flying Cat: An Irregular Creatures Update

The flying cats. They invade my dreams.

Okay, they don't really. Last night though, I did have a dream where I had a sleepover — like you do in high school, except mysteriously, we were all adults. And instead of bringing a CD to listen to or your favorite Hanna Barbera pajamas, everybody had to bring a bladed weapon. I think we were on the lookout for a zombie attack? So I guess the sleepover was just a way to make the zombie apocalypse fun? I dunno.

I brought a camping machete. Leather sheath and all. It was very nice.

This is all irrelevant.

So! Irregular Creatures has reached the end of its first sales week. Okay, no, I didn't advertise it until Wednesday, but dangit, it went up last Saturday. So, you shut up. No, you shut up! Stop touching me.

The Numbers

Sales-wise, I continue to be happy with the overall reports. As noted, I achieved profitability in the middle of the first day, and from that point haven't looked back. Which is just an expression because clearly, I'm looking back with both vigor and scrutiny.

First day sales were brisk, as noted: Amazon (88), Amazon UK (7), PDF (15). Total of 110 sales.

Second day sales did a bit of an interesting flip-flip: PDF sales went up, while Amazon dropped. In fact, PDF sales out maneuvered all others that day: Amazon (13), Amazon UK (1), PDF (19). Total of 33.

Third day sales are at Amazon (7), Amazon UK (1), PDF (4). Total of 12.

Fourth day — Amazon (5), Amazon UK (0), PDF (1). Total of 6 sales.

No sales today, but it's a wee smidge early, too.

Each day dropped by about 33% until the last, which saw a deeper 50% cut.

At present, we stand at 161 sales.

Random Thoughts

I went ahead and made some moves to try to, uhhh, "maximize my sales potential." Eeeegh. I hate saying those words. I recognize the reality, but it's one of those key things that will forever illustrate why self-publishing won't totally dominate: many writers don't want to become their own publisher. I don't mind it, really, but trust me, the time and energy spent on this book? I'd rather have used it for writing.

I updated the Amazon description of the book on Thursday to include a description of each story. That still hasn't populated here on Saturday morning. Amazon can be a wee bit slow.

I updated my Amazon Author Page.

I slapped a visual link to the right and updated the Books For Sale page above.

I updated my Goodreads author profile.

I have not yet played with Kindle Boards.

I've had some incredible reviews — some at Amazon, for instance. Cat-Bird stole Eric's afternoon. The Unsanity Files describes the book as like nothing you've ever read.

The most glowing review comes, assuredly, from Elizabeth White ("All-Purpose Monkey"), where I think she sells the book far better than I have.

I did a couple interviews, arranged a couple giveaways. Also did a guest blog about cats and inspiration over at the aforementioned Elizabeth's site: blog post called "Four Kinds of Kitty." That blog maybe talks a little about vaginas, too, so, uhhh. Get excited?

Had a lot of great response about the tentpole story in the collection, "Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story)." I mean, some really gushing praise, and for that, thank you so much. The fact that the collection got pimped across #fridayreads was equally awesome.

I slapped the book up on Smashwords, see if it'll propagate from there.

Also arranging to get it up on Drive Thru Fiction.

My favorite sales are the PDF ones. Not just because I make the most money (which allows me to procure a higher class of hobo handjob), but also because it allows a small but compelling interaction with the audience. Instead of just a click, it's an email, and an email is really a letter, and a letter is a connection between two people. It's the 21st century way of selling the book on a street corner. Quaint. Probably not the future, and certainly not the way to a million sales, but more the equivalent of a book signing.

Would love to figure out a way to do a book signing, but with digital product.

Seen JC Hutchins' Kilroy app? He will actually autograph your app. So, it's possible.

Talking to horror bad-ass James Melzer about maybe a spoken podcast version of the stories.

Right now, my sales are largely within my own sphere of influence. The key is getting outside that circle. The key is getting into your circle of influence and beyond. One supposes I've sold to my core audience, so now it's about pushing beyond those margins. I'm surprised that my Amazon entry still doesn't list, "Those who have bought IRREGULAR CREATURES have also purchased SEVEN BRIDES FOR TEN MULES, BLOWJOBS FOR DRYADS, and THE LUDLUM PROLAPSE: A REXINALD PERRY ADVENTURE." Does it for you? I dunno. Love to hear your reports and experiences.

Equally Random Questions

What else can I do?

Again, if anybody wants a review copy, please let me know. Definitely looking for places to do reviews and interviews and giveaways and sexy breathy podcasts and whatever else we can muster.

If anybody cares to write reviews on their spaces or at Amazon, I'd totally appreciate that, too.

Everybody liking the book?

Would I Self-Publish Again?

Way too early to say, but an interesting question just the same. I'm fairly happy with the results so far, but if the sales from here just drop off a cliff, I'd find myself less likely to do it. Would like to try to put up a novel or novella at some point just to see how that goes as another factor of the experiment, but I dunno. The fact I'm operating at a profit and not a loss after four days is a good sign for what is ultimately an unpopular purchasing target — the short story collection. But even still, it's distracting from actual writing, which isn't good. (Though I do recognize that having, say, a novel in stores is just as distracting what with the book tours and interviews and what-not. This may not be all that different. Even still, it's nice to feel like you have a publisher pushing your work, a team backing your play. On the other hand, it's also nice to be 100% in control of your own destiny.)

So, what I'm saying is, totally on the fence. Experiment not yet proven, not yet disproven.

The truth won't probably be realized for months.

Of Turtle Shots And Zodiac Signs

Went to the Obi-Gyn Kenobi's office yesterday to learn which particular brand of bait-and-tackle our upcoming child would possess. Boy parts? Girl unit? Some squirming squid-like mish-mash, some Cthulhu's beard of uncertainty lined with stinging nematocysts?

Of course, to discern this secret truth it was necessary to get busy with the ultrasound wand. If you're one of those people with kids older than… shit, I dunno, 10?… then I guess they can see a lot more these days with ultrasounds. You tell my mother about the ultrasound and basically it sounds like they had to rip her open and shove a submarine full of tiny doctors in there to report back on the health of my unformed heart.

Our first ultrasound showed an adorable poppet with cartoon cloud fists who persisted in punching invisible ghosts. Our second ultrasound revealed a child sucking its thumb — or, it did until you looked at the 3-D ultrasound, which actually revealed some kind of greasy unformed polecat curled around a boulder.

So, this ultrasound, we didn't know what to expect.

Mostly, the kid looked like some kind of… specter? Wraith? At one point the tech lady pushed in with the ultrasound and the child's face peeled away, illustrating some sort of… howling monkey skull, some wrothful rage-filled incubus. I honestly wish she had snapped that shot as one of our take-home Polaroid print-0uts so I could show it to our spawn years later.

"You're 13 now," I'll say. "It's time to show you the truth. See this picture? That's you in there. In your mother's womb. No, no, I know. You're right. That is so not the picture of a human being. That's an image of an undead baboon, its flesh flensed away by the keening winds of the underworld, scoured free of the bones by sand born of the Devil's dandruff. You're not our child. You're some kind of hell-imp. Which explains your nascent teenage behavior. P.S., stop stealing Daddy's liquor."

It was truly horrifying. Then she pulled back and sure enough, there's the kid again, sucking his thumb in the womb. Did you know they did that? Suck their thumb in the womb? I didn't know that either. They can do all kinds of shit in there. They suck their thumbs, they cry, they do robot dances, they put up shelves. They're busy. No wonder they scream coming out. I wouldn't want to leave my kickin' pad either.

She continued noodling around in there like some kind of ultrasound ninja, doing all these clicky-clickies and boop-boops. She showed us some crazy stuff — like, the four chambers of the heart, lub-dubbing away. Then we got to hear the heartbeat, which really just sounds like some news guy broadcasting from inside a hurricane while construction work goes on in the background. I was pretty sure I heard some construction worker catcall in the background. He used the word "gams." Do people say "gams" anymore? They really should. Maybe there's a time traveler inside our baby? Yeah. That'd be cool.

Sometimes the ultrasound tech lady would get so close to the baby it was like a Magic Eye painting. I'd sit there wondering, "Is that a dolphin? Mating with a tugboat? Is that Lady Gaga?"

One point she zoomed in good and close and I was like, "Oh, hey, there's the child's little face!"

And then she was like, "These are the kidneys."

"Are the kidneys part of the face?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

Whatever, lady. You're just a glorified joystick monkey.

At another point she asked, "When's the due date?" And we told her, June 1st. I had no idea that I'd come home and find out that June 1st now meant our child was going to belong to the 17th Zodiac sign of Herpecin the Syphilitic Brine-Carrier. I mean, what the hell, people? I go to the hospital for a couple hours and I return back to find you've totally dicked up the Zodiac. Ophioucus? Ophicus? Ophiucus? Ohfuckus? Odie, from Garfield? C'mon, somebody's just making that up. They're just fucking with us. The astrologers figure we've had it too good for too long and now they're just flicking nuggets of bullshit into our eyes. I'm onto you, astrologers. Your shit's already not real, you can't make it less real. What, are we going to add new Chinese Zodiac, too? "This is the Year of the Sugar Glider. Next year will be the Year of the Two-Cocked Coelacanth!" Are my Tarot cards broken now? Why does my divining rod only divine Diet Doctor Pepper? Someone went and broke all the mystic hoodoo!

Hrm. I feel like I've gotten on a tangent.

What I'm saying is, I gave the poor ultrasound tech lady a hard time, but she was actually quite nice. Right from the get-go she asked, "Do you want to know the gender?"

And we said, "Yes, yes we would." We never bought into that, "But then it won't be a surprise!" business. Really? Because it's a surprise whenever I learn it. Whether I learn it at 20 weeks or when the baby karate kicks his way out of my wife's baby compartment, it's still news I did not know before. And knowing it at 20 weeks means we don't get a shit-ton of "gender neutral" baby stuff. And "gender neutral" pretty much means "brown" and "yellow," which are (perhaps not coincidentally) colors that are going to be coming out of the child at regular intervals.

Upon confirming that yes, we'd like to know if our child is going to want a ninja sword or a pink pony for Christmas, she instantly zoomed in real close and said:

"This is the turtle shot."

And then she drew a circle around, well, what looked frankly like a turtle.

"Here's the shell," she said, pointing. "And here's the head poking out."

Then, just in case we were brain-diseased, she typed onto the screen, "BOY!!!!"

Which is, of course, what we're having.

I knew it all along. See, during the first ultrasound, what was playing over the Obi-Gyn radio? Don Henley. "Boys of Summer." And the first stuffed animal we bought for the tyke was in Hawaii — drum roll please, a sea turtle. Which is apparently a metaphor for "baby penis."

I'm excited. At first I wanted a little girl, but now, I'm onboard with the whole "boy" thing. Frankly, I'm just happy he's healthy. And that's he's not some kind of angry goblin hermaphrodite.

Oh, my wife wanted to ask all you people:

Advice!

Need baby books. But not crazy-person baby books, okay? But we need to catch up on some baby-reading. Anything you have, shoot it my way in the comments below.

Our baby thanks you. Gratitude, after all, is a trait of the 17th Zodiac sign of Herpecin the Brine-Carrier.

And Now, I Give Thee: Pandemic 41.410806, -75.654259

Earlier in the week, I said, "Hey, check out this short story collection."

Middle of the week — aka, um, now — I say, "Hey, check out this short film."

Sundance has been very kind to our little film and given it lots of great attention. Not only is it a big part of this year's Sundance 2011 app, but now it's online at the Sundance screening room.

I've embedded it here for ease (might I recommend full-screen?) but I encourage you to check out the screening room for other gems of cinematic goodness.

Funny story — when I went to… I think it was the second day of filming? The first thing I encountered was the scene with "Mom" on the bed. A bed pink with fluids. Her head swaddled in stained sheets. And Bree () sitting by the bed, a revolver in her lap.

Awesome. Crazy to see stuff you helped write come to life. Grim, fluid-stained life.

Anyway. Check out the film. I know I'm proud of it, and I think Lance did a bang-up job of bringing our storyworld — or, at least, a glimpse of it — to life. Make no mistake: he's a visionary.

Of course, it doesn't stop here. We've got the feature film moving toward fruition, and during Sundance will be the Pandemic storyworld experience. What's that, you ask?

Well. Just wait. You'll see. Expect something pretty crazy-go-nuts.

But it doesn't stop there. Sinister plans circulate. They fester like a sickness, they do.

Keep your eyes peeled.

www.hopeismissing.com

Irregular Creatures: The Prognosis

In case you missed it (which, given my self-prostitution, means you must've been buried under a tornado-smacked barn), I went ahead and "officially" released my short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES, to the Amazon Kindle marketplace.

I say "officially" because it had been up there since Saturday.

And between Saturday and yesterday, I had zero sales. Not surprising, one supposes, but contained within is a critical lesson: your audience isn't likely to stumble blindly upon your book. That is true whether it's in a bookstore or on Amazon — yes, there exists the chance someone will trip on a rock and fall face-down upon it, but you sure can't count on it. Bookstores are filled with thousands of books. Amazon multiplies that by a factor of… well, let's just go with one of those imaginary numbers like Snarbgang or Fronk. (Coincidentally, also the name of my favorite Vaudeville comedy duo!) You want people to read it, you gotta lead them to it. Put up signs. And fireworks. And a Tijuana donkey show.

It wasn't until I released the truth of the book's existence into the wild that I netted the first sale — and the next, and the next after that.

Because you came calling. A stampede of awesome people.

First Up: My Thanks

So many of you rose to the call of "Please pimp my book" that I literally cannot thank each of you because if I tried to thank you individually, I would eventually die of some random old person disease.

At last count, I saw about 250 tweets of you fine feathered peeps shaking the reeds and shock-prodding other folks in the butt-pucker so they head on out and nab a copy of the e-book.

That is insane. Like, in the good way.

Never mind the many folks who pimped it on Facebook — Rick Carroll, Shawn Gaston, Keith Rawson, uber-agent Stacia Decker, and others. David Hill was the first reviewer on Amazon. James Melzer wrote a far-too-kind blog post exhorting people to go snatch up the collection. (Get it? Snatch? Because there's a whole story about Thai pussy shows? Shut up. Don't judge me.)

And again, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

The blog post announcement, too, was heartily attended. I'm writing this post ahead of time, and even now that post has 1000+ looky-loos all by itself.

You kick ass, everyone of you.

(And hey, the shepherd-slash-prophet of self-publishing — Konrath His Own Self — swung by the site.)

Second Up: The Numbers

By middle of the day, the collection achieved profitability. My only cost going in was the cover art — I won't tell you how much it cost because, well, I dunno. That's not your business. *points to crotch*

But I will share with you the total numbers.

As of 9PM:

Amazon US sales: 86

Amazon UK sales: 7

PDF sales through this website: 15

Total sales: 108.

I make $2.07 per sale from Amazon, and $2.60 when purchased here (Paypal fees).

So, a genuinely profitable day, and this is only the first day.

Oh — Amazon sales pushed us up to #824.

Fact: Amazon's sales ranking is determined by a parliament of insane robots. I began the day at #117,000, then one sale rocketed me up to #75,000 then another sale bumped me to #11,000. After that, I spent the day pinballing between #7,000-ish and #1,000-ish. It would sometimes do this even when I had not earned any new sales. Once, I earned sales, then dropped sales rank so fast, you'd think somebody kicked it out of a plane. Amazon sales rank is a cipher wrapped in a mystery enveloped in a slice of honey-glazed ham.

Mmmm. Ham.

Third Up: My Feelings On The Subject

I feel like a princess.

*pinches nipples, flings tiara skyward, does a pirouette*

Wait, no, that's a whole different post for a whole different website.

I am cautiously optimistic. I mean, you can really look at this three ways:

Optimistic: Hey, holy shit, awesome. Better than expected. It's just a dumb short story collection and I'm just some dipshit squawking and spitting into the void, so even if I never got a single other sale, I made enough money to go out and eat a kick-ass dinner. My writing is feeding me. Nobody owns my soul (except all those other people who own my soul — oh, and the Devil). Fucking-A. I rule. Everybody else drools. To celebrate, I will conquer some bacon with my gastrointestinal fluids.

Realistic: It was a good day. It remains to be seen if there's really going to be a long tail, though. Those who bought today were likely the faithful, so how will the book find an audience otherwise? The author can only do so much. If word of mouth doesn't carry it, the spark doesn't catch anything aflame and — sizzle, fizzle, hiss. This is a 45,000 word product. Were I to have earned even a meager per-word on getting those stories published (say, two cents a word), I'd be up $900. And as yet, I'm not really close to that. But the long tail might be there. If I work it good and work it hard (nnngh), I might see that return yet. One lesson to learn: blog views are free, retweets are free, clicks are easy-peasy, but all those things do not automatically translate into a purchase — and that's a-okay. It isn't all about the immediate sale.

Pessimistic: Fuck off, fuck-badger. Loser. Loo-hoo-hooo-oooooooser. That old-ass knight from the end of that Indiana Jones movie is saying, right now, "He chose… poorly." And he's saying it about you, douchewipe. That thing was 45,000 words. You usually get a pretty good per-word, so realistically, that thing is worth at least $1800. You really think it's going to make you almost two grand? Mm-humm. Sure. Sure. And my mother was Batman. See what I did there? Because my mother is not Batman. Herp. And derp. Dummy. Now those stories can't win awards, they won't be in print, and nobody cares because they're self-published namby-pamby poo-poo pee-pee wee-wee nonsense.

But again, I'm somewhere in the middle. Closer to optimistic. I'm happy about the day's sales.

And it's not like it's gone. You can still buy it.

No, really: You Can Still Buy It.

Fourth: What Now?

Well, in part, I shut up about it. I have other things to work on and other stuff to talk about. And the last thing I want to do is become a shill for my own book, a constantly-jabbering parrot: "Buy my crap! Buy my crap! KRAAAWWK! Buy my crap! Flying cats! Bangkok vagina! Buy my crap!"

Some of it will fall to you. You like it? Then please: spread the love. I'm hearing some good reports from people who have read the first story ("Dog-Man And Cat-Bird, A Flying Cat Story"), and that's awesome. Tell others. Leave reviews on Amazon (even if you bought only the PDF). Don't need to go overboard or out of your way, but if you'd be so kind as to occasionally pimp it, I would love you forever.

But some of it falls to me, too. If anybody needs a review copy, let me know. I can help make that happen. I'll also be soliciting some interviews and what-not about the process, but feel free to ping me if you'd be into hearing a bit about this whole process.

Plus, if you have any other ideas for getting it "out there," my ears are open. They're full of wax and earwigs, sure, but by golly, they are open.

And that's it for now, peeps.

Thanks again.

Keep them cats a-flying.

I Give Thee: "Irregular Creatures"

And so it is done.

Up on Amazon's Kindle marketplace: my first short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES.

Click here to purchase.

And, in fact, if you'd be so kind, I'd love it if you purchased it today. Just to see if I can't get a rush of sales. A caffeine-sugar spike of greedy eyes hungry to gander at my gibberish.

Still, you might be on the fence. You might be saying, "Ehhhh, ennnnh, nnnmmmgh, I just don't know."

Could be that you need a little convincing.

I can do that. Here, then, are five reasons to buy my short story collection, IRREGULAR CREATURES. Choose one or several reasons. Collect 'em, trade 'em with your friends.

1. Because Hey, Look, That Chuck Wendig Guy Is Writing Crazy Shit Again

Contained within this short story collection you will find:

Flying cats, Bigfoot, mermaids, demons, zombies, a giant chicken, a vaginally-capable Thai dancer, candy bar aliens, an incarcerated mentalist, and one mystic hobo hermaphrodite.

These are all irregular creatures. Just as I, the writer, am an irregular creature. In fact, I'd say all writers are sort of that — we're a little goofed-up at the margins, us author-types. I dig that.

These irregular creatures are bound up in nine short stories totaling about 45,000 words. Hell, one of those stories — Dog-Man and Cat-Bird (A Flying Cat Story) — is a big ol' 14,000 word fun-fest.

The collection is equal parts horror and humor, equal parts fantasy and sci-fi, equal parts sadness, weirdness, absurdity, and hilarity. Some of it is family friendly. Some of it is soaked in blood. You"ll find tales of Bangkok pussy shows, bizarre auctions in the middle of Amish country, soul-switching, and wars between heaven and hell (as fought by cats).

It contains many bad words.

It contains lots of weird ideas.

It contains a host of (I hope) engaging characters.

Click here to purchase.

2. Because This Is The Last Five Years Of My Writing Life

I'm a sucker for authorial point-of-view; I love the "auteur" theory of writing and writers. I like that certain writers carry — often unconsciously — certain themes and motifs through their work. It's a little bit obsessive, a whole lot unconscious, and maybe a tiny bit batshit crazy. Looking back over these short stories (which comprise the writing years of 2005-2009), I did not realize how these all pieced together. They do. They're clearly my work — while I think I've definitely developed as a storyteller since then, I still see a lot in these stories I like. They are bound together by common ideas and shared themes.

Hopefully that's the same for you. But you'll need to buy it to see what I'm saying.

Click here to purchase.

3. Because, I Mean, Pshhh, Three Bucks, C'mon

You can't buy jack shit for three bucks. Fast food meal? Hardly. Action figure? Nope. Handjob from a hobo with callused hands? Not the last time I checked, no. (And I check often.)

I'm offering you hours of entertainment for three bucks. You go buy Chinese food from the mall, it's going to cost you twice that and it'll be gone in a half-hour. Of course, it'll come back about three hours later (remember, you don't own food court food, you just rent it for a little while and then you return it back to the water supply like that kid with that killer whale in that movie with the kid and the killer whale).

Irregular Creatures will last a lot longer than that.

Plus: no diarrhea.

In this day and age, that has to be a selling point. Especially given the quality of some of the stuff you might buy on the Kindle marketplace. Am I right? Am I right? I'm totally right.

Click here to purchase.

4. Because You Believe Self-Publishing Is The Future

Forget that shit Whitney Houston sang about — you mayhaps believe that self-publishing is the future. Hell with the children. Are children going to provide you with cheap and easy literary entertainment? Can you download children to a hand-held device? Can you turn children off and on? I think not.

See, I'm on the fence about self-pub. This is an experiment for me to test its viability. You want to confirm that it's viable? You want to see more self-published work, not less? I'm going to be publishing my results, after all — if the results are good, I'll say so. Do you want me to proselytize the power of self-pubbing?

Then pony up, wordmonkeys! Money where your mouth is. Boom. Yeah. Nnngggh.

Click here to purchase.

5. Because You Really Love Terribleminds

(Warning: Guilt alert! Guilt alert! Awooga! Awoooga!)

You'll note that I blog here every day. I do so for free despite it costing me for the theme, for hosting, for the domain, for the hookers, for the meth lab, for all of that. It takes me a lot of time.

And I do it all for you. (It has nothing to do with my ego. Shut up! Shush!)

I've had folks contact me and tell me they wanted to donate. I tell them, "Nope." Some writers ask for donations. I'm not one of them. No harm no foul on those that do, but I figure — hey, this blog is here to keep me disciplined and to put myself out there for you crazy cats and kittens. I say "No donations, but once I have something to sell, please support me and this website by buying it."

And thus, the guilt. Here I am, offering you a product. And I have big wide doe eyes blinking at you — blink, blink — and at the bottom of those doe eyes is a shimmering pool where my tears are starting to form. You like this site? Been enjoying its free content for ten years? Want to help throw a little money my way to help support the child that is one day soon going to spring forth into this household? Want to help support my "chocolate milkshake and Burmese heroin" diet? Here's your chance, superstar.

Two words: IRREGULAR CREATURES.

Click here to purchase.

Only On The Kindle Machine?

You may be asking, "Is this only available on Das Kindlemaschine?"

To which I respond, yes, for the foreseeable future. I'm interested in keeping this experiment fairly well contained. Besides, Amazon offers a pretty robust marketplace, distribution network, and chunk of the pie.

What If I Do Not Possess A Magic Kindle Device?

You did know that Kindle offers a mighty host of Free Kindle-Reading Apps, right?

But that's okay. Maybe you have a Nook or something.

So, I'll offer you this:

I will send you a PDF if you give me the $2.99 via PayPal.

Contact me through this site, and I'll get you squared away with the PDF.

The PDF should work in iBooks, on the Nook, or across various other apps or devices. Plus, if you're morally Amazon-averse, hey, here's your way to get the collection.

But Wait! I Want To Do More!

That's awesome, because as it turns out, I need you to do more.

If this experiment is going to succeed, I could use your help in other ways.

First, spread the word. Get on the Twittertubes, the Faceyjournals, the Clown Sex Forums, and spread the love far and wide. "Hey," you might say, "I found this really awesome collection of stories called IRREGULAR CREATURES and it gave me a word-boner. And I'm a lady! It gave me a lady word-boner. You should go buy it, or I will hate you forever."

You may need to compress that into 140 characters, to which I offer:

Hy I fnd ths rlly awe coll of stor IRRGLR CRTRS gve me wrd-bner Im lady gve me ldy wrd-bnr u shld buy or I h8 you 4eva http://amzn.to/e6JeQy

Also, I would love it if you went to Amazon and gave it a review.

Now, you might be asking, "But what if I hated it?"

Uhhh. Well. On the one hand, I encourage honesty, on the other, I'll merely remind you what your mother told you: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

And then she whipped you with a metal coat hanger. Just a reminder of that.

Alternately, if you don't want to do these things, then I'm just happy that you bought the book.

In A Perfect World, You'll Buy This Today

I'd love to see a crazy spike of sales today. Hell, wouldn't it be cool to get into the Top 100 Kindle books for just one shimmering moment? No, it probably won't happen, but my father always said to "aim high." I mean, sure, he was just exhorting me to account for distance and wind speed when I was to shoot a zombie in the melon, but I like to think of the advice as one big metaphor for my hopes and dreams.

I Will Report Back From The Wilderness

As promised, I will periodically send missives back from the Self-Publishing Front with my data rolled into a leather tube and staple-gunned to the back of a donkey. A donkey with firecrackers in its ass to ensure it picks up the pace and is not eaten by a lazy puma.

I don't know how often I'll report data — I guess as often as necessary.

Bee Tee Dubs: "Thank You"

If you purchase it, thank you.

If you write a nice review or spread the word, thank you.

If you love terribleminds, thank you for that, as well.

If you don't buy my short story collection, I'll kill a unicorn in front of a little girl.

Thanks again, tmeeps.

Why Your Novel Won't Get Published

You know the word "scapegoat," right? Are you aware of the origins?

It's like this: in what we'll just call "Bible Times," the community would heap all their sins upon a goat. The sins were metaphorical; the goat was not. Then they would kick that goat in the ass and force him into the desert, where presumably he'd either a) get into crazy adventures with the Devil and a talking cactus or (more likely) b) die and be eaten by flies. Either way, that goat carried your sins away from town. When the goat expired, so did all your terrible actions.

Your novel is kinda the opposite of that pathetic goat: onto it you heap not your sins, but your greatest hopes and dreams. "One day, you'll be a bestseller," you whisper to the goat as you duct-tape your manuscript to his back. Then you put him in the elevator and send him into the Publishing Wilderness, where he will either a) randomly wander into the proper agent or editor office and get your book published or (more likely) b) die and be eaten by flies.

Brutal honesty time:

That novel of yours isn't likely to get published. The numbers just aren't in your favor. Last I did a sweep of the Internet, it was home to 500,000,000 writers. Once you remove the wanna-be dilettantes, you still end up with 1,000,000 left. And they're all fighting to have their manuscripts published.

You gotta maximize your chances of putting a kick-ass book into the ecosystem where it bites, kicks, shivs and garrotes any other novel that gets in its way. One way to do that is to identify the many pitfalls that await you, your book, and its goat.

Wanna know why your novel won't get published? (Or, alternately, won't get an agent?)

Ten reasons. Here we go.

1. Them Brownies Ain't Done Baking

Brownies need long enough in the oven, or the middle ends up soft, gooshy, and still uncooked. Your novel might suffer from that problem: you sadly didn't do enough with it. Maybe it needs another draft. Maybe it needs a strong copy-edit. Could be that it will benefit from some challenging readers or from a down-to-earth writer's group. Whatever the case, the novel just isn't "there yet."

Make sure you're spending enough time and effort on that sucker before you loose it into the world.

2. Your Training Wheels Are Still Attached

Sometimes the problem isn't the novel — the problem is you. Ever hear the term "starter novel?" It means that this is your first book and it implies that this first book just isn't a fully-formed novel. It was a learning process. It was an experiment. The training wheels are still squeaking and rattling.

Hey, listen, I wrote five novels before I got an agent for the sixth. Those first four novels were crap, the fifth almost got me an agent, and the sixth really sealed the deal. I learned as I wrote. I grew as a writer. I kicked the training wheels off. Now I'm on a mad Huffy BMX bike. Or maybe a Vespa scooter.

That's right. I said it. A Vespa. Mmmm. I know I'm sexy.

Wait, what? I dunno. Point is, you still have work to do as a writer. Let this novel be a stepping stool to other, better books. Is it guaranteed that your first novel is a stinker? No. But I'd call it a reasonable chance, so it's best to get some informed opinions before you pin your publishing dreams to it.

3. You're Allergic To Following Instructions (AKA You Suffer From "The Special Snowflake" Conundrum)

When you submit a novel, you are beholden to a number of instructions supplied by the agent or the editor. "Send the first five pages and a query letter; also include a deed signing over the soul (but not body) of your first-born child. Please include an SASE as well as a feather from a peacock made of molten pewter."

Writers, for whatever reason, think they're immune to such instruction. As if it's some kind of test. "Oh, they don't mean me. My novel is sublime. It transcends such petty nitpickery. Lesser authors will be caught in the netting of micromanagement while I — champion of all writer-kind! — send them a novel written across 40,000 Post-It notes and shoved into the digestive tract of this here billy goat."

You are not immune. Follow the fucking instructions. You are not a special snowflake. Do what they ask. Do so politely. Shut up about how they're trying to oppress you and just dance the dance.

4. Novel's Great, But The Query Letter Sucks Eggs

You've written a 90,000 word novel. And now you have to condense it down into 250 words.

Trust me, it's hard. I know. It's like putting on 200 lbs but you still have to fit into your Speedo bathing suit: it feels like you're cramming so much into so little.

Sure, sure, it isn't fair. Neither is a 40-hour work-week. Go home and cry in your mother's vagina. You want to sell that book, that means you have to put together a good query. I don't know that you need to put together a great query — you just need to convince them to take a peek at your beast. And I don't mean that in a creepy, sexy way, either: the query is there to convince them to take it to the next level and request a full manuscript. Then your book can sell itself, as you had intended.

If you want to know how I wrote my query letter, check out:

"The Pitch Is A Bitch (But Don't Fear The Query)."

5. You're A Dick

Maybe your novel is the bee's knees, the cat's pajamas, the canine's testicles (as they say in England).

Fact remains, if you're just a big ol' douchey dickface, nobody's going to want to touch you with a ten foot pole. This is an industry of people. You're selling your novel, but your novel won't even get in the door if you can't muster cursory politeness and expected tact. Are you a whiny, complainy, ego-driven Negative Nancy? Not a good sign. If the author is more trouble than the novel is worth, well…

*poop noise*

So sorry. No consolation prize. Buh-bye.

Be nice. Put a good face out there. You don't need to be bland or boring or Suzy Sunshine all the time.

Just don't be a dick.

6. What Genre Is That, Again?

Ask yourself this: "Where will this go in the bookstore? In what section? On what shelf?" If that has no clear answer, then you're throwing up a red flag. "It's horror paranormal romance mystery, with sci-fi elements. Oh, and it also has recipes!" Hey, I think that's an awesome and brave experiment and maybe you'll have some luck with it. But you have to recognize that, for better or for worse, publishing is in shaky straits right now and it's running a little scared. Something that doesn't fit in any box is problematic — how do you market something whose market is uncertain? If you can't do it, neither can they.

7. Deja Vu

"And then Neo sticks his lightsaber into the Eye of Mordor. Popeye kisses Olive. The End."

Your work is derivative.

Maybe you didn't mean for it to be, but it is. Or maybe you thought it was some kind of "homage." Either way, an agent is going to look at it and say, "Seen it, done that, don't need it, need a nap."

You might be asking, "Wait, I'm supposed to stay inside the box but also think outside the box?"

And now you know why it's so hard to get a book published.

Yes. We want comfort and familiarity without redundancy.

Shepherding a novel to publication is like threading a needle. Blind. On a moving train. While you're being attacked by monkeys with sticks. Good times.

8. The Book Is Not, How You Say, "Commercially Viable?"

Something about the book is just striking the, "I don't know if this will sell" bell. Maybe "vampire koalas" aren't hot this year. Maybe the book-buying public has, in polls, revealed a certain discomfort with novels that prominently feature "cat abortions" as a plot point.

This is a tough one (says the author who perhaps knows it intimately).

Maybe your book is in a niche. A niche is nice in that it has an audience, but its audience may be too small to accommodate publication — which makes the niche a bad place to be.

Either way, the best advice is, be ready to make changes. Changes that will mold the book into something that is deemed attractive to a money-wielding audience.

9. Sometimes, Even The Brightest Spark Won't Catch Fire

You might have a glorious masterpiece in your hands and yet… bzzt. Nothing. You know it's awesome. Everybody else knows its awesome. And yet for some reason, it just isn't happening.

What can you do about it?

*blank stare*

I really don't know. You probably have two courses of action:

1) Be patient. Eventually an editor will get mauled by a tiger or something and then you can try again.

2) Self-publish. The publishing world doesn't know your novel's glory, so you must become its pimp.

(Check out, "Should I Self-Publish? A Motherfucking Checklist.")

10. Unfortunately, You're A Deluded, Talentless Hack

Out of the 500,000,000 writers out there, do you honestly believe that they're all top notch penmonkeys? Mmmyeah. No. Some of them are completely in love with the stink of their own word-dumpsters, just huffing their foul aromas, getting high on inelegance and ineptitude.

Thing is, if you're that guy, you're probably never going to not be that guy. It's possible that, once you recognize the illusion you may shatter it as if it were a distorting funhouse mirror, but that won't do anything for the "talentless" portion of our competition. Some people just aren't meant to be writers no matter how much they want to be that thing. Reality is a cold bucket of water.

Of course, realistically, if you're deluded, then you're probably not even reading this post, are you? And if you are, you're not going to take any of my advice — not one lick of it. Which is okay, because hey, maybe I'm a deluded, talentless hack, too.

Anyway, looking to hear from you kids out there in the audience. Writers, editors, agents: why aren't novels getting published? I'm sure I missed something. Shout it out.

An Era Of Ugliness And Uncertainty

What's to say after yesterday?

What a sad, fucked-up day.

As the horror of the shooting unfolded, it was easy to cling to the worst in humanity — like holding onto a sewer barrel in the ocean so you don't sink. The anger buoyed us. I know my first instinct wasn't just to find blame and meaning in the event but also this grim, fugly hope that indeed this attack had been perpetuated by "enemies from within," so that we could find some good in this event and it could be used to nail-gun shut the coffin on right-wing rhetoric. Then I realized my first instinct was actually pretty disturbed: I wasn't seeking truth, or fact, but only embracing the rage of the moment. Understandable, maybe, but presumptive and perhaps dangerous all the same. I yell and scream about this being a country that puts its heart on its sleeve, a country that never wants to look for fact and instead would rather thrive on assumptions and emotions, a country that supports a media who, when they put a question mark at the end of a scandalous and impossible headline it almost makes it seem true ("Obama: Cat Rapist?"). I realized I was giving into the same instinct that lets the misinformation flag fly, the same instinct that lets us still somehow question whether Obama is a Kenyan Muslim (or whether 9/11 was an "inside job").

I don't think it's weird to feel that rage go through you — but rage is like an electrical current. It doesn't care where it comes out, it just comes out.

The blame game is nothing new, and I know I played it just the same. I took a look, though, at one point at the Twitter search feed and saw that Sarah Palin's name (a name I bandied about in a number of tweets yesterday) was trending a helluva lot faster than Congresswoman Giffords. The search feed for Palin was like the credits of a movie thrown in fast-forward: you could barely read one before it took off like a shot and was replaced by 50 more just like it. And I saw some things in there that — well, maybe they didn't surprise me, but they damn sure made me bug-eyed. Some said she should be hanged (or hung, the dopes) for treason. Some said that we should put a map up with a bullseye on her face, see what happens. I saw some claim that only the right-wing is capable of violence or violent rhetoric, which even a cursory examination reveals to be nonsense.

Listen, I get it. I do. We want to grab hold of the chain and follow it down through the depths until we get to that one person or party to blame, and it's all the easier to make that leap when it's someone in the other party, the other camp, the other tribe. As I said, it was my first instinct, too. But as always we must be cautious that the ground before us isn't slippery and slick with our own froth and vitriol. We must be careful that we don't give in and become like those we demonize.

I believe that what happened yesterday was a tragedy and I believe the blame lies with the man who pulled that trigger. Whether he was a drug addict, a schizophrenic, a Tea Partier, a Libertarian, a Communist, a racist, or a Zoroastrian, I believe the blame is on him. Unless we find a conspiracy behind him — not impossible, mind you, but we need more facts to support that — then he's the shooter. The Tea Party didn't shoot her. His copy of Alice in Wonderland didn't shoot her. Violent video games did not do it. Sarah Palin and John Boehner did not do it. His apeshit YouTube videos didn't pull the trigger.

One fucked-up human monster [correction: shot] her with a pistol.

But that doesn't mean we can't look for culpability. It doesn't mean we can't look at those threads that lead out from that single moment in time, following them backward and outward until we get a bigger picture. It means we have to shine a light on the darkest side of politics and rhetoric. It means we have to look at the climate of violence and lies that lay bubbling beneath the surface of this country right now. One man will hang for this, and that's the sick fucking goblin that shot a Congresswoman, a judge, a nine-year-old child, and so many others. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't look beyond it, shouldn't consider all those factors that encourage an atmosphere of vandalism and violence born out of misinformation.

Sarah Palin didn't pull the trigger, but she — not alone, and with others — vomited forth a toxic tide of misinformation into the world.

And let's be clear, that's where violence and horror comes from: misinformation. Groups like the Tea Party possess a rage born of ignorance: Obama's a Muslim, Obama's raising taxes, health care will rely on death panels, and so on and so forth. Their violence is not born of indignation against what's really going on: all that sound and fury comes from hollow bellows, born only of the worst kind of ignorance and misinformation (or far crueler still,  disinformation).

That means we can't be that. If we are going to be the champions of reason, then we must ourselves be reasonable. If we are going to trump misinformation and cut short the rage that crawls from that rotten apple, then we cannot also be the ones who spread misinformation, we cannot also be the carriers of such parasitic rage. The statement, "Fight fire with fire" has always been a bullshit idea: you fight fire with better, smarter weapons. We can't fight the climate of awful rhetoric by just putting more of it out there. Otherwise, we're just as shitty as they are.

My hope is that some small ember of good does come out of this. It'll never be enough to justify the events of yesterday, but maybe we can now shine a light in dark spaces and try to step out of shadow. Maybe from here we can try to be smarter, more practical, more even-keeled and — let's hope against all hope — nicer.

Anyway. Who knows? I'm just one duck quacking into the void. It's a fucked-up time in America, and I just think the best way through the darkness is to once more put our foot on the neck of ignorance and make it – not "conservative" or "liberal" — the dirty word.