Sven Erlandson's Blog, page 4

Grandma Charlotte's Parenting Wisdom: Heard Not Fixed

A good friend of mine recently remarked that all she seemed to be getting from her son, in the last few years, was flak, constant ongoing flak. No matter what she recommended to him, no matter what problem her 16 year-old son had, all this mother got in return was resistance. To her credit, her son still came to her with his problems. But she felt like she never got through to him, no matter what she recommended or, at times, pushed him to do.

I shared with her one of the best pieces of wisdom I ever received from my own mother, Charlotte, 87, who raised six kids of her own and counseled countless other parents, over the years, and taught at the graduate level in Early Childhood Education. It is a maxim whose truth proved itself, time and again, in my counseling practice, over the past 25 years.

 

"Sven, as kids grow into their teens and then 20s,

they less and less want to be fixed,

and more and more want, and need, to be heard."

 

She would offer that the reason listening -- truly hearing -- is so critical with teens and young adults is three-fold:

 

1. "Flush it out." There is a powerful, powerful calming result that comes from simply being able to tell your story. Giving the child the opportunity to fully flush out his or her problem, with all its long avenues and cul de sacs, releases the event and many of its accompanying feelings from inside the young one. And that releasing of the story and its feelings has a profoundly calming effect. That, alone, is pure gold. Too often, the child remains in a state of anxiety, as well as resistance  to the parent, because the child feels that his or her truth is not allowed to be heard. "You're not listening to me!!!" a youngster will often say when the parent is jumping to conclusions, jumping in too soon, or simply talking rather than listening, as parents are often very quick to do. And as parents, we do this because it's what we've always done when the kids were younger and more dependent upon us for direction. But the problem for the parent is that the previous pattern of steering the child not only no longer works but has the exact opposite effect -- the child doesn't follow .the parent's instruction or coaxing.

Kids resist most when they feel the parent is trying to 'fix' them, rather than hear them. And it's just doggone hard to let go of trying to fix our kids. Yet, nothing will have a more profound calming effect on a child than feeling heard, rather than constantly feeling the parent is trying to solve the child's life or tell the child what to do.

And to let go of fixing is often incredibly difficult for parents.

 

2. "Naming the beast is half the solution," my mom would regularly say. To be heard, without any effort by the parent to then direct or steer the child -- i.e. to be silent when the child is done speaking -- has the delightfully disorienting effect of allowing the teen to be present in the problem, yet at peace, not stirring with excess anxiety. And it is often right there, in the midst of it, that a child often knows his or her own solution, or at the very least is able to see much more clearly what the real problem is. Poorly delineated problems only create half-solutions.

But, the parent who both allows the child to flush his entire story out and then simply asks the child something along the lines of, 'So, what do you believe to be the real problem in this situation' often discovers that the young adult has a rather astute assessment of the situation. If that is that followed up with, 'And what do you believe the solution to be, in this case' and/or 'What is it you most want to do that also seems feasible, in this case', the parent will discover that the teen/young adult often has an excellent, or at least doable, solution, moving forward. 

Why? 

Again, flushing the problem brings calm, and we make our best assessments and decisions when we've purged the anxiety and are calm. Further, naming the problem as clearly as one is able (and this is one area where a parent can help the child have clarity about what is perhaps really going on) often produces an almost effortless and obvious solution. And when that solution comes from the kid, and not the parent, he or she is far more likely to endeavor it. Yes, the kid may fall down, fail, get hurt inside, or embarrass him-/herself. But that is how we learn, how we gain inner strength, and how we eventually begin to more and more trust our own inner voice.

 

3. "Teach the child to trust his own inner voice." Both allowing and teaching the teen/young adult to trust and act on his/her own inner guidance system/instincts is absolutely imperative to their being able to stand on their own two feet as adults. When the parent is constantly, or even periodically, trying to steer or influence the kid, the fundamental underlying message being conveyed is 'You don't know what's best for you. Your instincts, wants, inclinations, and sense of self-guidance cannot be trusted. In other words, don't trust yourself; and your own voice doesn't matter.'

That is a powerful statement to convey. The parent may have every good intention, and usually does. But the effect is precisely the opposite of the intent. The young person not only  feels who they are doesn't really matter, but that who he or she is isn't good enough. 

THAT is why your teen or young adult is resisting you. It's not that you have bad ideas, per se. It's that by constantly sticking your nose in and trying to solve his/her problems you're fundamentally conveying the message, 'You're an idiot and don't know how to solve your own problems.' You may have no intent to send such a message, but that is precisely how the kid is feeling. And the truth is, every kid is going to make a thousand mistakes; you did, I did, they will. But until they start making their own mistakes, they will never grow, become stronger, or be anywhere near ready for adulthood.

"Sven, you're not a dumb person, 

you just did a dumb thing.

And it won't be the last time you do.

I still do, myself.

But, what did you learn from it, both about life and about yourself?

THAT is the question."

-- Charlotte

 

See, the long term effect of forever trying to direct your child is that the child/teen/adult is then forever looking for external sources of guidance -- parent, spouse, boss, friend -- rather than trusting his or her own ideas, instincts, and gut. The effect is that other people wield an enormous amount of influence on the young person, even as they progress further into adulthood. That sense of dependency not only grows, but an inner weakness grows with it. The man or woman is very susceptible to the vicissitudes of external forces, his or her happiness and life direction never controlled or determined by his or her own self. 

By attempting to exert influence over the teen/20-something, the parent potentially infantilizes the child for life, or at least a very long time. And that is in no way a healthy way to live, as an adult.

 

Letting Go

But it's so hard to let go of not only the influence we had on our kids when they were younger, but hard to let go of the position of influence in their lives. It's hard to recede, just when the child needs to expand. It's hard to let go and let the child fall down, as he moves through teen years and into college. We so don't want them to make our mistakes. We so want to make their way easier. But that does little to help the child. For, even if we do make their way easier, eventually they will long to carve their own path. Further, eventually they will outgrow us but lack the inner strength and inner sense of direction necessary to steer their own way. And, I've counseled enough middle-age folk to know that ain't a pretty picture.

At the core of this letting go for the parent is also a letting go of a sense of identity. The parent has been largely setting her own identity as the one who tells a little person what to do. And the need of that child for the parental steering used to be clear and obvious. But who is the parent now when the teen/young adult seems to not need the parent? What is one's identity when it's no longer boss of the kid? 

And it's just damn hard to let go of that position of boss. It's hard to watch your kid potentially fall and fail. It's hard to watch your kid potentially embarrass you. It's hard to know who you are when you're no longer the primary influence in the kid's life. 

But the identity of the parent must shift from boss to facilitator, encourager and, perhaps, occasional 'nudger.' The job of the parent, as the teen ages and more and more begins her own life, is to facilitate the kid releasing tension and anxiety that invariably come with new challenges, and to facilitate helping the kid trust and act on his/her own instincts, desires, and sense of direction. The job of the parent is to recede and allow the young one to expand, even when it scares the bejeebers out of the parent (with obvious allowances for intervention when severe physical harm is a possibility). The job of the parent is to begin to get a life of her own, so that the child no longer feels that he must remain as a child so that the parent can maintain a sense of identity. (And never underestimate the sense of obligation an adult child can feel toward a parent who has no [or little] identity outside of telling the kid what to do. Tragically, many a kid will contort his own path and passions, just so that the parent won't feel bad, be alone, or have nothing to do with her life.) 

The parent can still nudge the kid, or offer gentle and occasional influence, when the parent feels necessary. But if you feel or hear the kid resisting you, it's because you've gone beyond nudging and into trying to steer the ship that is no longer yours to captain. Nudging often has the most significant impact when delivered with something along the lines of, 'It's totally your decision, but you may wish to consider x, y, or z.' If the parent is not willing to truly give permission to the kid to, more and more, run his life, the parent is doing a profound disservice to the child, causing him to doubt his own instincts and decision-making abilities, not to mention continue to carry the false belief that his own voice doesn't matter or is no good.

I'm quite fond of a paraphrased quote from the great theoretical physicist, Werner Heisenberg:

"I must constantly remind myself

that I am part of the problem

I am trying to solve."

 

More often than not, the way to change your child's behavior, reduce his/her resistance to you, and also prepare him for adulthood is by articulating the real problem going on inside yourself -- how you, yourself, are in fact largely creating the very problem you think you see in the child. And, as mentioned, when it comes to this notion of resistance and problem-solving among teens/young adults, very often the biggest thing gumming up the resolution of the dilemma is the parent's obliviousness to her own refusal to change, particularly her identity. 

So, how are you most in need of changing in your parenting, today? What part of your identity are you unwilling to let go of or allow to morph into something else? Do you have the courage to allow your son or daughter to, more and more, determine his life course? Do you have the patience and sense of quiet to allow your kid to talk his or her own sh-t out? Can you ask the right questions at the right times, where previously you would interject your opinions on what your kid 'should' do?

At what point do you allow your parenting to change....by first changing who you are and where you, yourself, are now going in life?

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, is the author of five books, including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete and a Life of Noble Purpose' and 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals the REAL Reasons More and More Happily Married Women are Cheating.' He has been called the father of the spiritual but not religious movement, after his seminal book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' came out 15 years ago, long before the phrase became part of common parlance and even longer before the movement hit critical mass. He is former military, clergy, and NCAA Head Coach for Strength and Conditioning; and has a global counseling/consulting practice in NYC, NJ, and Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.com

Lombardi Was Wrong: The Positive Power of Quitting to Succeed

One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents, as coaches, and as people who influence young lives is that we create and either explicit or implicit expectation that the child will never quit....anything; or that the child or teen or young adult has to get special clearance from you in order to quit.

But what if this cultural obsession with 'stick with it' was wrong? What if the very thing inhibiting success is staying with something that your heart is no longer in?

Now the truth is, we all have bad days, bad weeks, heck, bad years. But when you're on the path of your truth, when you're following your dream a bad month or year is still better than a good year at something your heart ISN'T in!

But we get so wrapped up in the belief that quitting is antithetical to being American. We get so lost in this notion that quitting is bad.

I've counseled college girls who are lost in bulimia, depression, prescription meds and more, and all because they can't quit the things that are no longer life-giving to them.

I've counseled young men who are forever trapped in their bedroom or caught in a life of drinking sprees, because they are under such duress from parents and a society that says "You gotta make money, even if you don't like the work."

To heck with that!

Y'wanna know why? Because 10 or 20 years down the line, those young adults will be coming to me for counseling, because they never gave themselves permission to cross their parents. Specifically, they never gave themselves permission to quit that which no longer breathed life into them, quit that which bled them, quit that which was just being done for the money or, worse, to please a parent or spouse.

The real challenge of life is NOT found in pursuing your dreams, per se, but in having the courage to walk away from that which is NOT your dream. The challenge is not in going after what you want, but in having the guts to quit that which you don't want, that which doesn't feed your soul, that which doesn't electrify your spirit.

And the simple truth of the matter is that the earlier a kid is given permission to trust his/her own instincts and walk away from -- QUIT! -- that which doesn't inspire, that which holds no fascination, that which is not fun for him or her, the sooner that kid will come to joy. For the truth is, when you're on your path doing what YOU love, even on crappy days you know this is exactly where you need to be and there is no place you'd rather be.

So, the simple question is: Do you have the courage to pursue that which you love and are excited to go after........even if it means quitting that which is bleeding the life out of you?

THAT is the question!

Is the Greatest Fear in Life the Fear of the Unknown?

I was doing some reading of a favorite author, recently, when I ran across this quote of his:

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And that, really, is the choice, isn't it? Do I hold on to that which is safe, secure, and known, or do I let go of what is secure and move toward that which is unknown, exciting, and calling to me?

Every morning, when you first wake up, life is whispering two questions in your ear:

- Who are you, really? and

- Do you have the courage to be who you really are?

 

And we feel so called, so pulled, to attack that which tugs at our heart. We so want to go after that path, that dream, that calling, that person, that truth, that life that is speaking to us from the core of our being. 

But, far too often, we don't. We don't go after it. We hold back. We wait. We ruminate and stew.  (And, I'm all for rumination; but there's a place and time for it. And the place and time is not when you know what your calling is, when you feel it tugging at your heart.) We then tell ourselves that the real problem is, "Oh, I'm such a procrastinator." But the answer is, no, you're not a procrastinator. That's not, and never is, the real problem. 

The real problem -- the real reason people hold back from pursuing that which is calling to their heart -- is fear. Always. Fear. Always. 

I regularly tell clients, If you're trying to figure out why someone is doing something (or not doing something) you just don't understand, ask yourself one simple question: "What's the primary fear driving the behavior?" (And, again, it's always fear.) Then speculate what the answers might be and go with the one that seems to make the most sense. And the deeper you can go in what the fears might be, the more likely you are to nail it.

Now, as this ties to Hillman's quote above, one of the grand fears that keeps us from pursuing that which calls to us from the depths of our soul is the fear of what we'll lose. We pull back from the decision, because the cost of pursuing that which we most want seems to high.

Latin definition:

Decision = de- means off, down, or away,

-cision (think incision or scissors) from -caedere which means to cut

Decision literally means "to cut away"

 

Part of what makes decision-making so doggone hard is not the going after what we want, but it's the letting go of that which we don't want, or don't want quite as much. It's the 'cutting away' of the lesser option that is so difficult. It's the cutting away of that thing, person, truth, or path that we've been married to for so long that is so difficult, because it's one less option to have now, once it is cut away. It is the loss of the familiar and the secure, as Hillman points out. And that can be very rattling to a whole lot of folks. This is true in no small part because life is easier and feels safer when we have many options in front of us and/or when we are clinging to that which we've always known.

Don't even ask me how many times I've counseled women who are terrified to leave a marriage, not because she fears her husband will hurt her. Quite the opposite. She fears hurting him, and so she stays stuck in a marriage that no longer fulfills her and is quite arid and lifeless. Or, she fears being on her own.

Or, she fears just living without that which she has always known. And by that I mean not just the husband or a particularly way of life, but the belief system that kept her in a marriage and life that was no longer making her happy. Perhaps she always saw herself as someone who never quits, or someone who would be married to the same person forever, or someone who would never hurt her kids (specifically by causing them to grow up in divorce). And to now move apart from -- or cut away -- that former way of believing about herself and about life is a monumental task. It really is. It's always easier for an outsider, a family member, a friend, or some objective observer to say, "You should just do x" than it is for the actual person doing x to do that task. It is profoundly difficult, and takes time, to first grow tired of and then cut away, and finally remake, one's own life belief system. Parenthetically, most people are quite unaware that is what they're doing as they move through life; and that is why my work with people moves so fast, because this is precisely what I do with my clients -- dive down into the core belief system, or operating system, so to speak -- and thereby make years worth of changes in a very, very short time.

Don't even ask me how many men and women I've counseled who are on the cusp of major change, career-wise, but are simply terrified to take the leap. A great part of the terror that keeps them ON the cliff, rather than jumping off it and into the new life adventure, is the fear of losing that which is secure. (Of course, there's the fear of going Splat! at the bottom of the cliff from failing. But, we'll get to that momentarily.) It is the fear of cutting away that which is known, in favor of that which is unknown. And can be, indeed, a herculean endeavor. The larger the thing you're letting go of -- i.e. the more central it was to your core belief system, the greater the task in cutting it away. 

"If you're falling....DIVE!"

- Joseph Campbell

As an aside, this is why pain is such a powerful motivator in life. It often grows so great as to give us the courage to overcome cutting away something that has been safe, secure, and treasured. I regularly tell clients, "Change will not occur, until the pain gets bad enough." For it is only pain that has the power to force a change in your core belief system. The old belief system -- about life, about yourself, about people, about God/deity, about family, about what is important, about the world, etc -- has to become so confining, so painful, so suffocating, so debilitating as to drive the person away from it, as to give the person the courage to both cut it away and pursue something new and unknown.

 

The Splat! or Fear of the Unknown

In addition to the fear written about by Dr. James Hillman (above) -- letting go of that which is secure and familiar -- there is a second fear. It is the one fear that a great many people consider the greatest fear in life, superseding even the fear of death. It is the fear of the unknown, the fear of moving forward into some bold, new venture. 

Even if a person could get past the letting go, or cutting away, of that which is familiar, safe, secure, known, even if a person's pain had gotten so bad that they could overcome that, there still is that big ogre of the future staring you in the face. What keeps people from taking the proverbial 'leap of faith' in life -- diving off that cliff of security, familiarity, even monotony and pain -- is that they have no idea what the heck is out there. They have no idea if they will succeed. Or, rather, they have no certainty that they will succeed. And it is precisely that need for certainty that kept them married to the previous career, life path, spouse, or value system for so doggone long. For far too many people, the certainty of crap outweighs the uncertainty of happiness; the certainty of suffocating outweighs the uncertainty of possibly failing; the certainty of numbness outweighs the uncertainty possibly nothing changing (except eliminating the major negative energy source in one's life); the certainty of standing on hard ground (crummy as it may be) outweighs the sheer terror of not just falling -- even diving -- but going Splat! in a gargantuan failure. 

See, what makes choosing to follow the calling of your soul so darn hard is that you might fail...or you might not, or you might fail and succeed and fail again, and maybe succeed again. It's that damn uncertainty! It's the utter lack of familiarity. It's the lack of knowing!

What makes life so hard is the lack of knowing. The reason we don't attack life and get after it is because we don't know how it will turn out. We pull back from big risks -- and as we get older, we even start pulling back from medium risks, and then eventually smaller and smaller risks. Risk-aversion increases as we age, more often than not. The desire for security -- nay, the desire for familiarity and the sense of safety it confers -- increases. That is why dreams fade away. It's not procrastination or bills. Nah, it's the sheer terror of letting go of the familiar and diving into the unfamiliar and unpredictable. The fear of the unknown.

Now, if you're like most folk, you'll do everything you can to control determine and control the variables. And that's not a bad course to take. For, the less variables in your future, the less uncertainty....and also the less terror of failing. Again, this can be a good thing.

But, the other side of it is that attempting to exert too much control on your future, especially when it's a major life shift -- i.e. not allowing for fluidity, flexibility, and unexpected blessings and learnings -- causes you to play tight rather than play loose. As in sports, so in life: when you're playing tight, there's no way in heck you're playing at the top of your game. As an aside, this is why so many athletes and musicians give their best performances often when they're ill. Their mind is distracted by the illness and so they are playing loose. Even if they're not at their best physically, they're mentally relaxed or at least distracted, almost not even caring if they succeed or fail. And that's a powerful place to be in mentally.

So, the sweet spot to be in, when making a major life change, is to not fear the failure. It is to be willing to fail. And again, if one's pain from the existing life has gotten bad enough, you're far less likely to be cowed by potential loss or failure, whatever form that failure might take. 

But that fear of the unknown is a whopper, isn't it?

And it really requires trust, above all else, in order to overcome it. I'm not just talking about trust in God or trust in the universe or trust in others to support you or trust in anything, not even trust in yourself, per se. To be able to walk upright and confident into the unknown requires trust in one thing, above all else. And this is something that really can only be acquired by life and its hardships. It is something that is one of the natural by-products of pain and potential (though not guaranteed) blessings of age. Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote that everyone experiences suffering in life, but the people he feels sorrow for most are those whose pain does not come until much later in life -- the people who seem to live a charmed life. For when it comes, and it will come, it is perceived to be not a part of the normal warp and woof of life, but as an anomaly, to be run from. To experience pain early in life is a gift of the gods, particularly when you choose to learn from it and allow it to steel you. The power to overcome the fear of the unknown lies in the capacity to trust that no matter what happens I'll be okay. 

When you have experienced a decent amount of pain in life -- whether from job, relationships, family, money, health, etc -- and subsequently recovered from that pain, you become stronger. You become a bit less fearful of future pain. Perhaps your belief system changes, too, and you begin to see yourself as a survivor, or even as someone who not just survives but comes out stronger from cancer, hardship, divorce, cheating, loss of a job, death of a dream, etc. And once that deeply internal belief system changes, once you realize you'll be okay (as in, "Holy Sh-t! I realize I'm gonna be okay, really no matter what crosses my path"), you're not nearly as intimidated anymore. Sure, you still get scared by the unknowns, but they're not nearly as debilitating as they used to be. You don't freeze up anymore in the face of them. You don't play tight anymore. A new relaxed, or loose, space is discovered.

The grand blessing of going through hell in life

is that it's not as scary the second time...

and certainly not as scary the third time.

Pain brings power.

Yes, the fear of the unknown is a very crippling disease. It possesses the power to keep a person stuck in a crummy life potentially forever, or at least keep a person stuck enduring the unendurable and undesirable for a very, very long time. 

Yet, for all the notoriety fear of the unknown has acquired it is easily and unequivocally eclipsed by a far, far greater fear. 

 

Fear of the Known 

The greatest fear in life is not the fear of death (walking death or never really living is a far greater fear), nor is it the fear of the unknown. No, the greatest fear in life is showing the world who you really are. 

Because we all experienced in our youth being scorned or criticized or ignored when we expressed who we were or expressed a truth, and because the soul is so impressionable at little ages, nearly every person alive lives in sheer terror of showing the world who he or she really is. Living one's truth is terrifying. It is far easier, far safer, to live a false version of oneself than to live authentically and deliberately. For, it is far easier and far safer to be rejected for a fake version of oneself than to be rejected or criticized when living authentically or expressing one's real truth. Being yourself is a tremendously sensitive, vulnerable place to be in. 

Again, when most people expressed themselves (in being, saying, doing, and attempting to become their true self) in their childhood, as children do, they got criticized, ignored, or redirected. Every kid experiences it, to greater or lesser degrees. And depending on the severity and/or the duration of the criticism, rejection, or ignoring, it causes a child to stuff his or her real self into a box and pack it down deep inside, after which he/she starts being whomever she has to be to gain praise, or at the very least avoid criticism.

As we grow and age in life, that fear of criticism and/or being ignored -- i.e. that fear of being reminded that I suck or that I don't matter -- is so great, so colossally overwhelming that people will stay trapped in an unhappy life, marriage, or path, no matter how great the pain.

Nah, the greatest fear in life is not the fear of the unknown; it's the fear of the known. You know exactly what your mother or father will say, if you pursue your dream or this next major path that is calling to you. You know exactly what your best friends will say. You know exactly what your boss or co-workers will say. You know exactly what your husband (or wife) will say. You know exactly what those voices in your head from childhood will say. 

Nah, what keeps you from pursuing your greatest truth and happiness is not the fear of what may or may not happen (the unknown), but what you know for fact WILL happen.  It's those words, those looks, that scorn, that insidious doubt that will be conveyed. THAT is what you most fear!

It is the fear of the known that cripples people. The single greatest fear in life is fear of showing the world who you really are, because deep down you're terrified of what people will say. Specifically, you're terrified of what a small handful of people will say, how they will treat you, and the negativity they will bestow on you, your dream, your new path, your vision -- i.e. what you need for your life in order to finally be happy. More often than not, it is the voices of one's past, the voices in one's immediate circle of friends and family, and to a lesser degree the voices of cultural norms that keep people locked in lives of suffocation and gross unhappiness. 

It is not the fear of failure that keeps people locked in an unhappy life, but the fear of what people will say when you fail. Kids and adults who are given wide berth to both quit and fail do not fear quitting or failing. Therefore, they're more willing to take risks, act boldly, and go after big dreams. They're more willing to get out of bad marriages, bad careers, and bad life paths. Mostly, they're undeterred by the unknown. In fact, they see the unknown as the great and grand adventure of life. Wandering -- even leaping! -- into the unknown is what they live for, because that's where the fun is, the success is, the happiness is, and, ultimately, the sense of ALIVENESS is. And that's what we all seek -- that sense of rapture, that sense of feeling fully alive, on fire, and moving in the wonderful direction of a noble pursuit.

But the only way through the fear of the known, not to mention the fear of the unknown and the fear of cutting away that which no longer works for you, is to

- experience enough pain on the old path, 

- trust that you'll be okay, no matter what,  and

- simply choose aliveness, rather than slow and certain living death.

 

Happiness and a fear-driven life are inversely correlated. The greater the fears, the less the happiness. And unless you can pass into and through your fear of what people will say, you will never know true and lasting happiness. 

"You gotta commit. You've gotta go out there and improvise and you've gotta be completely unafraid to die. You've got to be able to take a chance to die. And you have to die lots. You have to die all the time. You're going' out there with just a whisper of an idea. The fear will make you clench up. That's the fear of dying.'

-- Bill Murray, actor

Bill Murray is talking about acting in this quote, but it clearly relates to all of life. You have to be willing to die, so to speak, willing to die to your fears and who you were. You have to be willing to live forward, moving only on the inspiration of that whisper of an idea, the single pulse of your truth rising up within you. 

So, again, the two questions life is whispering in your ear: Who are you, really? And, do you have the courage to be, say, do, and become who you really are? For that is where happiness is to be found.

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, is the author of five books, including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete and a Life of Noble Purpose' and 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals the REAL Reasons More and More Happily Married Women are Cheating.' He has been called the father of the spiritual but not religious movement, after his seminal book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' came out 15 years ago, long before the phrase became part of common parlance and even longer before the movement hit critical mass. He is former military, clergy, and NCAA Head Coach for Strength and Conditioning; and has a global counseling/consulting practice in NYC, NJ, and Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.com

Emotional Incest: Parent-as-Friend and the Very Real Problem of Parental Over-sharing

by Sven Erlandson

 

The late comedian of the 80s and 90s, Sam Kinison, in one of his shticks about male-female relationships and women wanting to talk to him about their problems, would bitterly include the line, “Oh yeah, honey, I really love being your emotional [expletive] tampon,” which would be followed by his mock screams of anger tearing through the microphone, as he was inclined to do. And for those inclined to extremely offensive humor, as I was in my 20s, he drew loud and long laughs.

 

Yet, as I moved into my work life as a spiritual leader that phrase, 'emotional tampon', stuck with me. It's quite lurid, but it conveys the point well for that very reason. In fact, I find myself using that exact phrase often in counseling, particularly when working with young adults struggling to find themselves and their paths in life. Though, it comes up with strong frequency also in 30, 40, and 50 year-old people struggling with completely different issues.

 

I'm not even going to get into male-female relationships and the female need to talk and thereby bond with their mates. Nor am I going to get into the male need to talk and thereby bond with their mates. Nor am I going to get into the mis-characterization of men in our culture as emotionally locked up, incapable of sharing, and basically spiritual dolts.

 

Instead, I want to focus simply on that notion of the 'emotional tampon', or, rather, the extremely powerful and insidious effects of parents who share too much with their children.

 

Truth is, we've all been there. Maybe it's in the car with our kid or on a walk or in the kitchen. But it's that moment when we've felt overwhelmed by life, either in a gargantuan way or even in a momentary way, and we have used our child as a sounding board for our adult problems. We've all done it, at one time or another. But far too many parents have done it far too much. And, well, really, even once is far too much. For, the effect is that the soul of the child is traumatized.

 

When we do it, it seems so harmless. Though, it is anything but.

 

Worse, it feels safe. That's why we do it. The parent who shares the adult problems with the child feels, even knows, that the child will likely never share the secrets, that the child will feel even more bonded to the parent, and, worst of all, that the child will care, when no one else seems to care or really understand. And that is where the trauma happens. That's when it becomes rape, or, more accurately, incest. That's when the soul of the child no longer matters to the parent, except to meet the parents own needs.

 

Forgive me for being rude in my tone, but children do not exist for parents.

 

Children particularly do not exist to meet the needs of parents. Most importantly, children do not have the capacity to shoulder adult problems -- to be responsible for an adult. They do not have the capacity to care for the emotional, soul needs of an adult, even one they might love with all their heart. Children barely have the capacity to care for their own emotional needs, and then only when well-taught by an adult whose love cup is already full and who can give attention, time, and deliberate effort to the emotional/spiritual needs of the child without the parent's own spiritual needs getting in the way.

 

The parent shares his or her problems with the caring, loving, adoring child. And all that child wants to do, at least in the beginning, is to take the mommy's (or daddy's) problems away. The child wants nothing more than to make mommy stop hurting. And the child knows mommy or daddy is hurting because little Billy or Susie can feeeeeeel it in mom's words or in dad's mannerisms as the adult problems are discussed, or can simply hear those words of hurt spoken explicitly. And so, at the deepest, soul level, the child takes on the weight of the parent, even though a child really only has the ability to carry one person – herself, and again only barely, particularly in the first few decades.

 

What ends up happening, however, if the emotional rape continues is that the child eventually reaches the point of distancing him- or herself from the parent emotionally and perhaps even physically, even while simultaneously feeling guilty for abandoning the needy parent. For, eventually, the child has the realization that he/she simply cannot fix the parent, whether it's because the parent doesn't want to be fixed, or the parent keeps going on and on, for years, caught in the same loop of problems, or because the child eventually realizes that no matter what she does the parent doesn't seem to be getting any better or changing. Tired of being trapped in the car with dad while he recites his problems, or tired of going on vacation with mom while she ends every day with how much people don't like her, or tired of the parent disparaging the other parent, or just tired of having to listen to and feeeeeel adult problems.... out of the pain of exhaustion and futility, the teen or young adult pulls away, often slowly.

 

Now, I keep using the word 'child' here, but I am in no way limiting emotional incest and its effects to, say, the first ten years of life. In fact, this rape of the soul often takes place in the teen years, precisely when the child most needs his own full attention on listening to his own soul and having the courage to follow it. In fact, I would go so far as to say that no child is really able to carry a parent until perhaps his or her mid-thirties. For, that's roughly when the shift happens, the move into adulthood; or at least when the numerical adult is finally most ready to be an adult in his soul. That's roughly when the adult is finally standing on his or her own to feet, not just financially and in having her career up and running, but in her soul. Or, that's when she's at least finally ready to look at soul stuff, which itself is an indicator of maturity.

 

In other words, despite outward appearances and personality characteristics that may make a young person appear mature, no kid can carry a parent without sacrificing his or her own soul and significance in the process. We're not just talking about the ability to listen or even some psychological ability to understand another person's problems. This is so much f**king deeper than that. We're talking about weight. The gravity of a matter. Adult stuff is heavy, too heavy for any child, any teen, or any young adult to carry, and certainly too heavy for any under-35 to carry two loads of (his own and his parent's). We're talking about energy – a significant transfer of negative energy from one person to another. As the parent tells her painful stories and travails to her daughter, likely over and over again for years, the child not only has to listen and try to understand and thereby help mom, she is then saddled with the weight of that problem pulling down her own soul for years, or more likely decades. The real damage from soul incest isn't just in the moment, when the child becomes sad and empathetic toward the parent. Nah, the real damage happens in the days, weeks, months, and decades later when the weight of carrying a second person drains the child's energy, causing health problems, depression and anxiety problems, and serious self-worth problems.

 

Why?

 

Because this is fundamentally not a psychological problem that is being created by the parent when engaging in incest of the soul of the child – i.e. when the parent is taking advantage of his power and influence over the child (and the child's dependence and vulnerability) to get his own needs met. The reason I call it incest or rape of the child's soul is because the fundamental message that is being conveyed to the child is, “You don't matter. I do” or “You matter only insofar as you can meet my needs and attend to my emotional bleeding.” When that inversion of responsibility happens – when the child's soul takes on the weight of the parent's soul problems – the child gets the very clear message that who she really is and what she really wants for her young life don't f**king matter. Mom matters; dad matters; mom's problems matter; dad's problems matter; but I don't matter; who I am and what my soul needs do not matter, at least nowhere near as much as mom's problems matter.

 

Again, the parent exists to take care of the child (and we're not just talking about food, clothes, and a roof here); the child does not exist to take care of the parent (at least not 'til old age). The parent(s) exist, at least in the first 20+ years, to tend the changing soul needs of the child. The next 15 or so years the adult-child must learn to tend his/her own soul needs. Only then can the child someday shoulder the weight of the parent, if need be.

 

See, when the child gets the underlying message “You don't matter,” when that powerful notion gets imprinted in the wet cement of the child's soul it has the deeply profound effect of, if I may mix metaphors, punching a gaping hole in the bottom of the child's love cup. We all have a cup that we're walking through life trying to get filled. We're all trying to create that lasting experience of feeling full of love inside. And we create all manner of personality characteristics, caring actions, life successes to get people to pour love into our cup. But, if there's a hole in the bottom of the cup – i.e. if the person believes, deep down, that they don't matter or that they're shit or just not good enough – no amount of love being poured in will ever be enough. The love will never accumulate. It will be fleeting – poured in and draining out. And just as water sticks to the inside of a funnel, there will be some love residue that sticks in the person with a hole in the bottom of their love cup. But it will never be enough. There will always be a longing for more, never a feeling of fullness. The person will never believe the husband who adores her and thinks she really is beautiful. The person will never believe his work really is great, no matter how much money he makes or how many pats on the back he gets. They'll never believe it, because, deep down, they believe that they don't matter and that they're no good.

 

So, even if the mom and/or dad explicitly stated things like “You're wonderful,” “I love you,” “You can do anything you want in life,” and “I totally support you” – words that seem brilliantly supportive on the surface – mom and/or dad's ACTIONS (actions!!!!!!) were conveying the fundamental message that, ultimately, you don't matter; I matter, you don't. And that message supersedes all other messages.

 

As an aside, the same effect occurs when the parent seemingly innocuously spreads little seeds of doubt every time the child or teen expresses what they really want or the direction they really want to go with their life. The same effect occurs when the parent very subtly goads the child into a career path that would make the parent most proud, as if the child exists to meet the parent's need to brag to other adults. The same effect often occurs when there is a disabled sibling in the house or a 'golden child' in the family; they simply suck all the oxygen out of the room, commanding most of mom and dad's attention, and thereby conveying to one child (or more), “You don't matter” or “You don't matter as much,” which the child's soul naturally converts into the extension, “I don't matter, at all.” The same effect occurs when mom is in love with her work, when dad is depressed, when mom is an alcoholic, when dad or mom is physically abusive, when a parent is regularly using the child for the parent's own needs for positive attention, or when a kid is made to feel like the black sheep of the family or the family problem child (the one everyone blames for everything, so that they don't have to look at their own sh*t).

 

The effect, regardless of what hollow words of support are coming out of mom and dad's mouths, is that the child grows up believing they don't matter, because something else or someone else matters more.

 

And in the far-too-common situation where mom (or dad) has a soul that is hemorrhaging onto the child, the damage is far more powerful and lasting, not just because the child is trapped in a relationship where his/her own soul being belittled and stuffed with adult problems way beyond his/her ability to deal with, not to mention disgorge. No, what makes it truly awful is that no one can see it and it's basically socially acceptable.

 

Far, far, FAR too common nowadays is the parental practice of befriending the child. And it is a total “friends with benefits” situation, not sexually, but soul-wise/emotionally. Soooo many parents nowadays LONG FOR a parental-child relationship that is a friendship, and they commence that far too early – i.e. before 35-ish. See, the child is still the child, dependent upon the parent in multiple ways; more importantly, the child is utterly incapable of bearing the weight of adult problems and bearing the weight of feeling responsible for carrying an adult's problems. (It's not just the problems themselves. It's the sense of responsibility that far exceeds any level of responsibility that even a 25 year-old is capable of, not to mention a 15 or 8 year-old.) But the parent, in viewing the child as a 'friend', gets to use the child as his/her emotional tampon. And not only does no one see the emotional/soul abuse, other parents and society at-large often laud the relationship as healthy and good. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth.

 

The parent is raping the child and the world is clapping.

 

By dashing into another person's soul and filling it with my sh*t, I convey the message that your soul and it's needs don't matter. Thus, I not only go through life making my existence about serving others (and not in the healthy way, even though it may look so on the surface), I go through life with no boundaries, whatsoever. See, boundaries are an act of self-expression. When you say 'no' to something or someone, when you stop doing something or stop allowing something, or when you say you will only go thus far, you are saying, “This is who I am and this is what matters to ME.” And, that is an act of self-expression – i.e. showing the world who you really are. But, if you've been taught that who you really are ultimately doesn't matter, then there's no way in hell you're going to start drawing up boundaries later in life, either with a spouse, friends, a boss, or with kids. In other words, if you've been taught that you're not allowed to have boundaries and that I can walk into and walk on your soul whenever I damn well please, then you're going to continue to allow people to walk into your soul and do a home makeover whenever they damn well please; and all under the umbrella of 'love'. Ain't that nice?

 

You don't matter. You exist for other people.

 

And that is the spiritual textbook definition of depression and a terrifically unhappy and unfulfilled life.

 

See, one of the core spiritual truths is that each and every one of us has greatness and extreme goodness inside of us. Yet, if you have been taught that you don't matter and you suck or aren't good enough, then you are cutting off your spiritual flow. You're blocking your true greatness. You're diminishing the very instrument that was created good and great. You're insulting the gods, saying that what they created is bad, or certainly not as good as others. And there begins the wasting of a life.

 

Yes, this whole “child as friend” thing has gotta go. I'm making far too much money off adults and young adults whose mom didn't rent a psychologist or go to a good priest to dump her problems on; or whose dad didn't open up to his buddies or his wife. I'm making too good a living off people who have been carrying other people, but are ill-equipped to do so. I used to do this for free, as a pastor, spiritual guide, and friend. But now I charge because I see how rampant the problem is and how radical the transformation when someone finally sees they've been raped their whole life by the one person they were trusting the most. I see the transformation when I tell someone they have permission to set mom down and stop carrying her. I see the powerful life change when an adult or young adult realizes they don't have to be their parent's friend (or at the very least not the friend who is responsible for carrying the other's burdens).

 

For the record, it's not even a question of whether the child, teen, or young adult has the 'ability' to carry the parent's needs (again, he doesn't, no matter how mature he may seem). It's simply inherently wrong. It's using another person to meet your own needs without their consent, long before the age where they're even capable of consent – and soul consent is far heavier than sexual consent. And it is using a person who is in a relationship where there is a clear power imbalance – i.e. where they can't say 'no' to the rape without there being serious ramifications.

 

Because we've got such spiritually pathetic adults and parents (no matter how much they go to church or how much they see a therapist or take Zoloft), we've got an adult population seeking someone who'll actually give a shit about them. And so, that adult population has children; and they then fall in love with their children. And, and, and.......they start emotionally raping their own children – i.e. using them to get their own emotional/spiritual needs met. We've sooooo lost spiritual leadership in this country. Churches have become largely devoid of true wisdom (and residually parental spiritual guidance), and have settled for the watered-down nonsense of Bible verse recitation and banal lesson-making and finger-pointing, even though every pastor and bishop in the land will tell you every other pastor isn't wise but they themselves are. And far too many psychologists suck at truly healing souls and really going into the deepest, darkest shit in a person's life, in no small part because they're not trained for soul stuff; they're trained to change behaviors, regardless of what's really going on deep below the surface.

 

So, we've got this spiritually drained population of adults that have holes in the bottom of their own love cups wandering around looking for soul love, unaware of the hole in their own soul; and they're effectively poking holes in the love cups of their own children – generationally perpetuating the problem they inherited from their own parents. Parents are going to children to get their own needs met, and they're doing so in the deepest and most sacred area of life. And because of this spiritual incest that is being committed in homes on every block of every city, we have an ever-growing population of young adults who believe they don't matter and/or that they are inherently unimportant or no-good.

 

And that deep soul problem then manifests as lack of motivation, bulimia, binge-drinking, abuse, prescription drug abuse, self-loathing (obviously), prison, crime, and every other manner of socially f**ed-up behavior or life-damaging behavior.

 

And you can't solve this shit by just trying to change the behaviors. You don't stop the bulimia by trying to get the girl to stop bingeing-and-purging. You stop the bulimia by going to the core of the girl's soul and helping her to see that it was stolen from her or that her mom has been stuffing it full of mom's own nasty-ass life. Mom, through her actions, has basically been whispering in her daughter's every day for years the insidious, soul-crushing words, “You don't matter. I matter.” And to extract that message from the daughter – and thereby heal the hole in the love cup – requires spelunking the deepest caves of her soul for all artifacts and residue of mom's incest. For, until that message is excised from the child's soul and life, she will never own her own life, and she will keep trying to run from the voices in her head (read “mom's voice” or “dad's voice”), which are causing her to dislike herself, doubt herself, and make life far more difficult than it has to be. The bingeing-and-purging – like the stealing or gambling or binge-drinking or staying stuck on Prozac or just staying incessantly busy (as if busyness is some sort of virtue to brag about) – is just a way to run from the giant wave that will crash down on you if you stop. It's the wave of all the crud going on in your head and soul, the wave of all your past, the wave of believing at your deepest soul level that you don't f**king matter.

 

We run because we're terrified of the wave, terrified of the hole in the love cup, terrified not just of what we've been taught about ourselves by our parents' actions and incest but terrified of admitting that we are victims of inept and ultimately criminal parents.

 

Yes, soul rape is criminal. It does far more damage than any other crime I am aware of. But to rape a child's soul is beyond words and simply must stop. And this whole parental-oversharing thing and parent-as-friend thing has got to stop, at least 'til the kid hits 35-ish and they have more of their own soul figured out and cleaned out.

 

The child doesn't exist for you. You exist for the child. You exist to protect not just the child's genitalia and physical well-being, but more importantly you exist to protect the simple belief in the child that they matter and that they are good.

 

And it doesn't mean shit how many times you SAY to a child, “You matter and you are good,” if your actions or other words are conveying the exact opposite message.

 

Allowing your problems to bleed onto your child, teen, or young adult is the surest way to create an unhappy child, teen, or young adult and the most lock-tight formula for creating life problems for that child, once he or she reaches adulthood. Using your child as an emotional tampon kills the soul of the child, causing decades or even an entire lifetime of pain......and all because you wanted someone who gave a shit about you.

 

Ps. It's very reasonable to assume that this cultural phenomenon of using children as friends will only increase in the upcoming years/decades. We continue to breed children to be proficient at interacting with computers, yet lacking in their interpersonal capacities, thus making them less likely to have friends of their own in adulthood or quality friendships in which they can unburden the things going on in their soul. Therefore, it is quite reasonable to conclude these kids, as adults, will themselves turn to their children as someone who gives a shit, seeking acceptance, understanding, and a listening ear.

 

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, was the very first person to both name and delineate the 'spiritual but not religious' movement in America in his seminal book, "Spiritual but not Religious". He has written several other books and has a speaking and counseling practice in Manhattan and Stamford, CT (Badasscounseling.com).

For more on emotional incest, please follow this link to read the thorough piece by Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, at ChoosingTherapy.com. The well-written article includes resources for recognizing, treating, and reporting it. Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, on Emotional Incest

The Zen-like Trick to Maximum Results

The grand challenge of life,or certainly one of the biggies, is in every momentto simultaneously pursue what I wantAND let go of what I want.

 

 

Only there, in that stark juxtaposition between attacking and retreating, is the real tension of life experienced and the hope for real and lasting success found. Only there, in that delicate tension, is life truly mastered.

Of course, the grand task for most people is the letting go part. We are so conditioned to attack, attack, attack -- pursue, pursue, pursue -- that which we want. Our capitalist pursuit of happiness is precisely that -- a pursuit. And we are so conditioned to believe that success only comes in the incessant, even dogged, pursuit of that which we lust for (read 'money, sex, and food'; throw in 'drugs, of some sort' if you like, though that is too often the function of food). The notion of letting go of that pursuit, at all, not to mention the alien notion of keeping it in f-ing tension with pursuit, is beyond comprehension for most people, or at least most people under, say, 35 or 40. Age weathers us; it almost effortlessly deconstructs our previously held notions, not the least of which is the belief in the eternal virtue of pursuit. And that cracks open the possibility for letting-go (and perhaps even eventually living in the pursue/stop-pursuing tension).

Yet, quite contrary to that, are the souls who long ago jumped off the train of pursuit and are quite adept at not going after what they want. In fact, though most people think they're in the camp of not being able to stop pursuing, the real truth of the matter is that most people (read '99% or more') are much more in the business of never having pursued what they truly want. 

Confused?

Sure, I understand. See, what I have discovered in two and a half decades as a spiritual leader and guide is that most people, long ago, gave up ever pursuing what really makes their heart sing, what really lights them up, what really sets them on fire and going a hundred miles an hour. Most people -- and yes, I do mean 'most' -- have abdicated the determination of their life pursuits to those people in their past who were in the business of telling them what to do. Usually, and rather obviously, this takes the form of mom/dad and society. Later , the message that was cemented into one's soul is reinforced by friends, teachers, lovers, and eventually one's own progeny.

And the core message invariably takes the form of either 'The real you isn't good enough' and/or 'The real you doesn't matter' and either one, or both, are then affixed to the common ending, "...and so, you should do what I tell you to do and live the way I tell you to live." And, sadly, this deeply ingrained implicit message is all-too-often masked by the explicit message, "You can do whatever you want in life."

So, when the child gets that message through mom and dad's actions, the child's soul, at a very deep level, says, "Fuck that! I'm not going to keep showing the world -- i.e. family -- who I really am, only to keep getting my ass handed to me. I'm going to stuff away the real me and just start being whomever I gotta be to win praise and be seen as 'good enough', or at least be whomever I gotta be to avoid criticism, put-downs, or the implicit message that I suck or am not good enough the way I am."

Thus, from a very, very young age, little Billy or Suzie stops being who she really is and what feels good to be, and she starts becoming an expert at reading people and what they want, then adapts herself in every situation to be that person she needs to be to win praise or, at least, avoid criticism. For, it is far, far easier to be rejected for being some person you aren't than for showing the world who you really are and risking rejection of that. Criticism of one's real self exceeds nearly all other forms of pain in life. The greatest fear in life, apart from the proverbial acts of god, is the fear of showing the world who I really am, because that could lead to being rejected for who I really am; and that is an exquisite pain with no parallel. I would offer that it ultimately exceeds even the acts of god, such as losing a child, death of a dream, poverty, and loss of a lover; but I'd rather not get into that debate, at this moment.

Ultimately, the reason most people are incapable of living in the tension (in which there doesn't have to even be tension, per se) between pursuing and letting-go is because they've never really known what it is to pursue -- to truly attack or go after -- that which is written on the deepest depths of their soul to pursue. Most people live in the sheer terror of being who the f**k they really are. 

Yet, for those who do eventually get worn down by the life-sucking pursuit of that which is not that them -- that which has been put on them by society and/or by family and friends -- there is a certain amount of strength that is gained, potentially. It is the strength that comes from pain. Eventually, your pain gets so bad that you say 'Fuck it!' and simply do the very tasks in life that formerly terrified you, whether it's leaving a marriage, cutting off a child, leaving a meaningless job, or what have you. Pain is a powerful motivator, and it takes many different forms -- from extreme boredom to discomfort, from mental anguish to physical wretchedness, from mind-numbingness to rage.

It is then that the seed is finally cracked open and begins to germinate. It is when the facade of living all that you thought you were supposed to be gets cracked open by life's pressures and pains that the possibility exists to become a more authentic version of yourself. Pain brings the courage necessary to move forward authentically. Yet, only guidance and the capacity in that guide to take you deeper, down to the real version of you, have the ability to get you to the most authentic version of yourself, rather than some money- and leisure-driven hybrid of yourself.

 

Living the Tension: Why?

But let's say that you did get on the path of living, more and more, a truly authentic version of yourself -- i.e. that which was written on your soul from your very beginning, long before becoming corrupted by parents who meant well but really had no clue how to unleash your true greatness. How would you go about living in that state of pursuing your true path yet letting go of it, as well, and doing so in every moment?

Well, perhaps, the real question isn't 'how' but 'why'? For, all of this yields the rather obvious question, 'Why?' Why would/should anyone choose to live that tension I espouse? What is to be gained from living in that state of going/not-going, pursuing/not-pursuing, attacking/letting-go? Even if the 'how' were doable, what is the explanation for the 'why'?

Well, the simple answer is that we tend to over-pursue and thereby do damage. We tend to clutter the path and the pursuit with so much shit that just isn't necessary. In so doing, we block the universe from having its say, from being able to work its magic. And when I was young, I never fully believed in the magic that I now, in older age, cannot deny, because I have seen it so many times and still see it in things great and small, nearly every day. The real mastery of life comes in pursuing that which our soul is hot for, yet letting go of it simultaneously. And the reason that is 'real mastery' is because that's simply when the most shit happens AND when the most powerful shit happens. We find the greatest movement toward the achievement of our passions not in our own actions, but AFTER our own actions when we let it go and allow the universe to stir and stew results we couldn't make happen on our hand; or BEFORE our own actions when we wait, wait, wait for the universe to give us an inspired path of action, rather than just busy work or a path of action that is driven by fear and fear's drive to stay busy or DO SOMETHING! 

To be fully in-tune to the universe (and thereby engaging in our most authentic life and subsequently our highest joy and highest good) is to wait until the course of action is truly inspired and feels great, even when all the voices around you and inside you are saying, "Are you CRAZY??!!! You need to be doing thus and so, if you want success!!"

But nobody wants to take the path of trusting the universe, because it means waiting, not-doing, and simply being.....until the path of inspiration comes....and THEN going a hundred miles an hour with your hair on fire.....until the inspiration vanishes and it's time to back off, again, and let the universe go back to work. My high school wrestling coach used to say, "We wrestle in spurts, not all at one speed all the time." It's the same way with life -- the truly successful and truly fulfilled, happy, and at-peace people in life are those who have bled off their fears of not-doing; have mastered their own energy, such that they are capable of going 100mph one moment and staying at a dead stop then next, depending on the calling of their energy and where it is leading them; and who are, thus, capable of living in pursuit and letting go, basically simultaneously.

And the reason they do this is because they, too, have seen the grand results of doing so. Whether by hook or by crook, or quite by accident, they have seen in their own lives the results that come from letting go of that which they most want, even while they are simultaneously pursuing that which they most want and long for in the depths of their soul. The results manifest not merely in great external gains but, far more significantly, in the powerful internal calm that comes from it. There is a centering, a calm, a power, a peace, a really trippy joy that comes from being able to loosen one's grip and just let the fucker go, even while pursuing it. It's to be okay with not having it. It's to realize, also, that the real fun is in the pursuit; though the real fun is not even in the pursuit, per se, but in the being on the path that you know is your path. The real fun is in doing the shit in life you most love to do. The success, while a not unimportant element of the equation, is ultimately not the point; even while the success will naturally come when one is pursuing one's true passions, particularly when one is open to the leading of the universe into directions you perhaps didn't even realize you had interest in going.

And see, this is what makes pursuing/not-pursuing so damn hard. It requires letting go of what you think the results should be. It requires an orientation not to results but to the joy of the path, itself. Ultimately, as I've written in books and articles, previously, the task of life and the path of joy is to:

1) hear one's own inner voice,

2) have the courage to heed it, and then to

3) let go of results (for we are called to actions, not results).

 

So, to live in the pursuing/not-pursuing tension is to live in this constant tension between steps 2 and 3, action-wise: doing and letting go of results. Yet, forever staying in tune to step 1, being-wise. Step one always determines the path; the path is always culled from silence and non-action. But the actions are always this delicate movement of doing and releasing.

But, again, the problem is that we get sooooo married to the notion of results. We get so married to what we think the results should look like, and that version is a powerful motivator to action. But in the end, that is never what the final product/course looks like. And so the more we are open to the infusion of wisdom and action from the universe, the more we are open to far more powerful results. Our marriage to our own small visions, no matter how big they seem, ultimately limit and damage that which could be.

In other words, the reason for oscillating in every moment between pursuing and not-pursuing -- or, in the words of the 80's rock group .38 Special, "Hold on loosely" -- is because doing so brings the most massive results, both externally and internally. Doing so brings greater joy and lasting peace than you can possibly imagine. Doing so brings a level of fulfillment and satisfaction that are highly unlikely to be consistently achieved through a course of dogged action, even when success is never achieved in external results. Doing so, ultimately, brings an aliveness and power that you cannot even fucking imagine. Period.

 

How?

Well, on one hand, the only way to get to the place of letting go of what society is pressuring you to want (not to mention what the voices of mom and dad are saying in your head) is to go through the pain of realizing that what everyone and everything external to you wants for you feels like real shitty shit and that you no longer have interest in pursuing it. But, setting that aside, not that you really can (or assuming you are on your real path that is most authentic to who you really are), the real way to get to the place of power that is living in the pursuing/not-pursuing tension is to ultimately be okay with never having that which you are convinced you most want.

It requires, in the end, the contentment with everything else in your life -- i.e. the medium and small things, such that if the big things are never achieved, life is still full of joy. As the great writer and psychiatrist Dr. James Hillman wrote, The problem in the pursuit of happiness is the pursuit; there is happiness right now. But what it requires is constructing a life that is happy NOT just when all the big things are in place (usually money, career, and love), but when the million little and medium things are in place. It's like living on a three-legged stool (money, career, love) or four-legged stool (money, career, love, kids). If that's all that is really supporting your life, when one of those is yanked out by life, as they invariably are in any life, the whole stool falls. But when the life is based on a million thousand hundred little and medium things, no one thing has the power to undermine the entire life in its absence.

I know this seems to bend toward the trite "Live in the moment" and that's a bit true, but it doesn't really work. For, while that saying is clever, it's not terribly instructive. The real essence of joy and inner fulfillment is found in examining your life and making sure that the million small and medium things actually really feeeeeel good to YOU! And it means in every moment reading your energy to see if it is calling you to shut down and do nothing yet wait for your next instruction, rev up and go 100mph, or simply savor something fun, lovely, or happy right now. Therein is the power to want something badly yet also not give a shit if you get it or not. 

So, the question is, what is your energy calling you to do this minute, this moment? And, on the bigger level, what is your soul calling you to change your life pursuit to? And then, do you have a life that is joyful in all the small and medium things? And finally, if you do have these things, do you now have the ability to be okay with never getting the big things you want?

For, once you have achieved those levels, that's when the real shit starts to happen. That's when what transpires can only be called magic! That's when forces conspire to change your life in the most brilliant of ways and via avenues you could never have foreseen or planned, even with a mountain of incessant effort.

Do you have the courage to listen to and pursue who you really are and what is written on the deepest depths of your soul?

Now, do you have the power to let go of the results and simply enjoy the action of doing that which you love?

Do you have the courage to live far more boldly than you ever have before?

Do you have the courage to let go of that which seems the most logical path to what you want?

Do you have the ability to, in every moment, stop pursuing, stop holding on so tightly, and simply allow the forces of the universe to act and move on your behalf and in greatest concert with those around you?

Do you have the courage to finally come alive???

 

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, was the very first person to both name and delineate the 'spiritual but not religious' movement in America in his seminal book, "Spiritual but not Religious". He has written several other books and has a speaking and counseling practice in Manhattan and Stamford, CT (Badasscounseling.com).