Sven Erlandson's Blog, page 3

Why Have a Badass Life Coach?

Having a badass life coach can be transformative. That’s the kind of person who pushes you hard so you can go deeper than you’ve ever gone to discover how to be true to your own self. It’s not for everyone. Rather, it’s for those who are desperately committed to extricating themselves from misery, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and more.

In other words, having that badass life coach means that you’re making a pact with yourself to change. And your life coach is there to keep you on track as you progress through the Badass Counseling method to reach your authentic greatness.

Read on to learn more.

What is a Badass Counseling life coach?

A Badass Counseling life coach isn’t just any life coach.

Badass Counseling is a method of soul counseling created by Sven Erlandson, Badass Counseling’s founder. It uses deep questions, everyday stories, and powerful insights as a way to flush out all of the pain, fears, and BS beliefs you've been taught about yourself, as a way to unleash your authenticity and greatness.

Thus, a Badass Counseling Coach is someone fully trained and certified by Sven Erlandson to take you deep and finally unlock all the real sh*t that is running and ruining your life, in one way or another.

Why should you consider having a Badass life coach?

You shouldn't.

If you're having to 'consider' it, you're not ready. Until you've reached the level of exhaustion, fatigue, misery, frustration, sheer inner pain, depression, or overwhelming anxiety that you don't know which way to turn, especially if you've tried other therapy/therapists in the past, you're not ready to work this hard and go this deep.

Until you pant for it, as a running deer pants for water, you're not ready.

Until you're broken, you're not ready.

If you think you still have your sh*t together, you're not ready. If your facade still works for you, you're not ready.

When you're ready, you'll know.

Is a Badass coach for couples or individuals?

It’s for both.

Counseling for Couples

Badass Counseling is extraordinarily effective for couples because it is completely different from other therapy methods.

Sven never takes a couple together in the opening sessions, because, to use his words, “It always degenerates into a clusterf**k, he-said-she-said sh*tshow!”

In Badass Counseling, each individual writes an autobiography for Sven, which he studies at no charge.

Each individual then meets with Sven for a 4-6 hour session, where Sven helps each individual scour the soul to begin to unearth crud driving their lives that they can't even see.

He will then do a follow-up or more with each individual until both they and Sven feel it is time to bring the couple together to begin to talk on a different level, using completely different tools and language.

That is when progress happens. Sometimes that leads the couple closer and able to finally choose each other from a place of authenticity and real self, no longer influenced by past voices and influences. Sometimes, it leads them to finally end what needs to end. That decision is definitely not made by the Coach but by the individuals, each finally speaking their real truth.

Counseling for Individuals

Badass Counseling Coaches also work with individuals in much the same manner, helping them to drill down through all the lifetime of accumulated crud to begin to find the origins of that crud and to begin to see the ramifications of seeing the truths that have been buried there for decades.

The goal, as always, is to get out that accumulated crud, and thereby allow one's original self to finally come out, AND be accompanied by the newfound courage to do so.

How do you prepare for Badass life coaching?

Every new client, whether individual or couple, is expected to do four things in anticipation of their introductory session, which is always either 4, 5, or 6 hours long.

Each person is expected to read at least 2/3 of There's a Hole in My Love Cup, which includes 80% of the Badass Counseling Method in it, thereby enabling the Coach and client to move much more quickly and fluidly in session. This saves massive time, energy, and money!

Secondly, each client must sign and submit the Client Confidentiality Agreement.

Thirdly, full payment for the first session must be made, at least one week in advance.

Lastly, each new client must submit to the Coach a full autobiography, at least one full week before the scheduled session. It must be no longer than 10 pages (and cannot be single-spaced).

The Coach then studies that and marks it up in preparation for the first session. Having done so, the Coach is fully fluent in your life story, before you ever darken his door, and can thus hit the ground running. The Coach usually spends three hours studying an autobiography. There is no charge for this aspect of Badass Counseling. It is a 'good faith' action.

How long does it take to see results from life coaching?

You will see significant movement in the first session, particularly if you do the 6-hour session, as it enables the Coach to cover more ground. You will likely not notice how quickly the time has gone. Some clients feel completely exhausted at the end of the first session. Some feel overwhelmed by all that is revealed and discussed. Many report feeling lighter and “like a big weight was lifted off of me.”

But, despite the significant movement of the first session and the strong feelings that often come with it. It is naive to think that will be enough. Most clients schedule a follow-up for the following week or so.

How You Attack Life Coaching Work is How Long It Will Take

The most committed clients, who are just so sick of all of the pain and frustrations of their lives work with the Coach anywhere from 2-4 hours every week. Yet, some choose to do two hours, once per month, or every few weeks.

The speed and depth of results are naturally, largely determined by how hard the client attacks the work, both in session and out of session. It is reasonable to assume that the more you come for counseling, the broader, deeper, and quicker your progress. It is also reasonable to assume, and highly, highly stressed by the Coach, that “championships are won and lost in the off-season” – the more homework you do outside of session (yes, there's optional homework!), the greater your progress.

The most aggressive clients in their counseling and homework see massive, massive life changes in a few months, sometimes less. This has included people who were previously badly depressed, suicidal, anxiety-ridden, and more.

It’s Important to Go at Your Own Speed

Some choose a slower pace. They still see results but feel the need to extend their counseling to take their time digesting these myth-shattering, life-turning insights and changes. And, that's okay. Some people just need to go at their own speed.

Thus, the velocity of change and growth is largely dependent upon how badly and quickly the client wants to change. It really is up to you!

How frequently should you meet with your Badass life coach?

The Coach always, always, always recommends that the client make the decision on the frequency and duration of sessions.

The thinking is simple: one of the primary goals of Badass Counseling is to help you hear and heed your own inner voice, that feeeel that rises up from your own soul. And shoot, if you can't do that with your Coach, then you sure as heck aren't ready to be doing it in your everyday life and in the big decisions, when the people involved may not be as supportive and encouraging as your Coach.

Perhaps you have money restraints, career obligations, family needs, or just need to go your own speed because that's what feels right to you. Whatever your reasons are, your reasons are enough!

Speak your truth and know you'll be heard and respected, even when it comes to sessions and hours.

Badass Life Coaching Success StoriesRegina, Suicidally Depressed

Regina was 25 and had been suicidally depressed for nearly two years. She had a successful career, yet because of housing costs lived in a major metro area with her mother. By the time her mother found Sven, Regina had seen many therapists and was on different medications, but the problem was not going away. Both mother and daughter were terrified and desperate for serious help.

Regina took to Badass Counseling like a fish to water. The Coach took her into her deepest pain, yes, but more importantly into the real messages she had gotten about herself from her absent father and her doting, yet often controlling mother. Within a month, a shift was beginning to happen in Regina. She saw it, herself.

Regina’s Mother Needed to Change, Too

But, the Coach knew that if you let a criminal out of prison and send him back to the neighborhood that helped get him into prison, in the first place, he'd slide right back into the old crap. So he confronted the mother and gave her a choice. If she really wanted to save her daughter, she needed to change as well.

The mother read There's a Hole in My Love Cup and knew she needed to counsel with Sven. In their very first session, after Sven pulled apart some very deep and severe realizations, Regina's mother got up quickly and ran to the bathroom, whereupon she threw up multiple times. After returning, white as a ghost, she confirmed that so many of the things she had done in trying to be a great parent were the exact root causes of Regina's depression and suicidal thoughts. After a few sessions, the mother began to change rapidly, and the home life took on a whole new shape and spirit.

Walking the World as a New Person

Within five months, Regina was ready to discontinue her work with the Coach, admitting she'd have to come back in a year or so after she had finally gotten rid of the long-time boyfriend. But she was walking now into the world as an entirely new person.

Sure enough, nine months later, Regina reached out to finish her work of diving into what was really going on inside her regarding the ex. After another month of counseling, Regina had gotten her own apartment, was succeeding in her career, and was back in school to expand her education, so as to open new doors and avenues she wanted to vigorously explore. She was, in short, a whole new woman, ready for life!

Devon, Heartbroken, No Motivation or Energy, and Full of Self-Doubt

Devon was a 41-year-old business owner in the Southern US. He was heartbroken over the loss of his wife, who had cheated on him and then left with her son, whom Devon had raised for 10 years since the boy was two.

Coming to Sven, Devon had no energy, no desire to work, and no belief in self. But, he did bring a work ethic that was ready to go. After going into serious family-of-origin sessions, wherein Devon realized his abusive father and alcoholic mother had taught him a total sense of worthlessness and unwantedness, Devon attacked his homework like a man on fire.

Missing only one weekly, four-hour session in 2 ½ months, Devon was ready to go without counseling, in his own opinion. And sure enough, he did. And he did it with flying colors.

Desperate Badass Tune-Up Needed

But then, about two months out, Sven got a frantic email from Devon saying he needed a four-hour tune-up, as soon as the Coach could get him in. He had crashed and it was worse than anything he had ever felt before working with Sven.

They got on the Zoom call two days later. Devon regaled Sven with successes that eventually led to missteps, lack of clarity, and the slow seep of lethargy back into his life. He was once again feeling miserable, but it was soooo much worse than before.

Having seen this a million times before, Sven helped Devon see two things. One, after you've experienced the mountaintop of healing and begun to live a life where your new normal is a default state of general happiness and energy, the return to your old state feels far worse, because the fall from the mountain is a bigger one. And that's completely normal when...

The Importance of Doing the Disciplines

Sven discovered that Devon had stopped doing the disciplines, as Sven calls them – the work of journaling, reading, getting good rest, and doing those things that breathe life into your soul.

>> See How To Do An Effective Soul Detox

Devon had had a few short nights of sleep, had skipped his time alone and meditations, and before he knew it he was back in the old happens of working late, rising early, heavy eating, heavy drinking, and ignoring his own soul's needs. Like stopping going to the gym after you get results, all the old sh*t came back.

Devon had a giant “AHA!” moment. They did some more work in that session and Devon left full of hope and clarity, realizing he had gotten a swift kick in the a**!

It was three and a half years later when Sven, quite randomly, got a wedding invitation in the mail. Devon was getting married and wanted the Coach who had changed his life to be there. In it was a handwritten note explaining that a few months after their last session, Devon had met a woman. And, for the first time in his life, he took his time, spoke up when he was feeling hurt or slighted, and created a work-life balance that suited him in so many ways. He still took time for his nature walks alone, time for journaling most days, enjoyed reading more, and still played in the basketball league that gave him so much joy. His business was also thriving, as he expanded into two more states.

The benefits of having a Badass coach vs. self-help books

Sven created the Badass Counseling method as a result of being in a 12-year suicidal depression, himself. While in the thick of it, he could find no therapist who really helped him. Yet, he was voraciously reading books – from self-help to New Age, from theology to psychology, from spirituality to hypnosis and fasting. Creating his own techniques and experiments from the 1000 books he read, Sven was his own guinea pig. He pulled himself out of a major depression.

So, Sven is a huge believer in the power of self-healing. He is also a big believer in the power of great self-care books. HUGE! That is why he wrote the book, There's a Hole in My Love Cup, created a totally free podcast, The Badass Counseling Show, that has over ½ million downloads after only eight short months on the air, and has created DIY video courses and over 800 free minutes-long videos on Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram.

He made all of these resources because he knows the motivated individual can, can, CAN heal themselves. And you can do it a heckuva lot faster than he did because you have his materials to help you. You don't have to reinvent the wheel like he did. He created his resources, healed himself with them, and has healed thousands of clients, over the decades, with them. These resources get results, IFF you do the work!

But, for those who just prefer to work with the Badass, himself, Sven is there to accelerate you through the process, while you also use those resources in your homework.

And, if you’re ready to finally turn your life around, Sven is ready to counsel you! Just click here.
Thanks for reading!

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books , Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

How To Do An Effective Soul Detox

Are you familiar with the phrase ‘soul detox’? Doing a soul detox is a powerful way to purge the toxic crud that poisons your soul.

In this article, you’ll learn more about soul detoxes, what they are, how to do an effective one, and how they can benefit you from a Badass Counseling perspective. 

What Is A Soul Detox?

 Let’s start with the basics. What the heck does soul detox mean, and why should you care?”      

A soul detox is fundamentally a clearing out of all the negative crud that has accumulated in the depths of your being since you were a small child – all the BS beliefs you were taught about yourself; all of the pain from being denigrated, minimized, undermined, or devalued; and all of the fears that resulted from this.

A soul detox is just another phrase for what Badass Counseling has long called “emptying the crud from your love cup.”

You’ll find many religious references to soul detoxes. The Badass Counseling approach focuses on connecting you with your own spirit and the voice of your soul. It does not involve religion unless that is something that you, as a client want or need.

>> Learn more about soul counseling

A Soul Detox Badass Counseling Style

Here’s an image for you to focus on.

A soul detox is sort of like broiling a big porterhouse steak on a broiler pan in the oven, then sitting down to eat that steak with some well-seasoned vegetables, but at the end of that meal realizing you now have to go and clean that broiler pan.

But you can't just clean a broiler pan. It has to be scoured with a Brillo pad or some Ajax. You gotta grind to get that grease-encrusted pan back to sparkling. That's what soul detox is.

That's what it means to get the crud outta your love cup. You gotta scour it hard!

>> What Makes “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup” So Badass Effective?

 Why Do You Need to Detox Your Soul?

By detoxing your soul you can get to the bottom of everything that’s been covering up your real truth. And the truth is that you’re scared of your truth, scared of the silence, scared of the not-doing, scared of just being.

Further, whether you believe it or not, your true happiness and lasting inner peace are intricately tied to the fears underlying this incessant busyness. If you refuse to slow down and actually begin to look at your life and live deliberately, you will, as a matter of absolute fact, continue to be eluded by happiness.

The only way to still the mind and find lasting peace and happiness is to begin by stilling the external life…and start looking at the stuff that keeps you running, in the first place. That’s where the soul detox comes in.

How Does a Soul Detox Work?

Again, this process doesn't have to take forever. In fact, those who take a long time to do a soul detox either don't know how to scour – i.e., don't really know what they're looking for or how to extract it – or are simply milking the clock. The scouring of the soul can take mere months and be completely life-transformative!

Ultimately, it is to go into your past – the very past you've been avoiding, running from, out of fear of being overwhelmed by it – and find the real truths and your original identity.

It is to scour away decades of untruths and garbage you were taught about yourself. It is to experience the lightness and ALIVENESS that follows in the wake of the scouring! That is a soul detox.

How do you do a Soul Detox?

Ultimately, to do an effective soul detox, you want to look deep within yourself and honestly deal with what’s there.

Step 1: Detail the crud in your life

Identify the toxic stuff in your life. What makes you feel negative emotions? What are the things that are preventing you from living a life that is aligned with your values? Negative thoughts, relationships, situations

Step 2: Make a plan for dealing with the crud and scouring your soul

Make a plan to remove the toxins from your life. This may involve changing your environment, your relationships, or your habits.

Step 3: Programmatically replace the crud (sewer) with positive things (diamonds)

Replace the toxins with positive things. Once you've cut out the toxins, it's time to start replacing them with positive things that make you happy.

>> See The 10 REAL Reasons You're Not Happy & Your Business Isn't Successful: Diamonds and Raw Sewage

Additional Soul Detox Tips

Here are some additional tips for a soul detox:

Stop being so busy all the time. Rather, slow down, and be deliberate. Observe and enjoy what’s around you.

Nature is powerful for helping you get in touch with the true voice of your soul. It forces you to slow down, breathe deeply, and be aware of what’s around you.

Surround yourself with people who are good for your soul.

Ready to Get Started with Your Soul Detox?

If you’re ready to listen to the true voice of your soul, you’re ready for a soul detox. The benefits are real – you’ll feel happier and more alive than you’ve ever felt. You have to do the work to get there and scour the crud outta your love cup.

And that, my little friends, is the real scary shit of life, but it’s also where the gold is.

Got the courage? Let me know how it goes.

Thanks for reading.

Explore Badass Counseling Courses

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books , Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

What Makes “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup” So Badass Effective?

 Did you know that the book “There's A Hole In My Love Cup: The Badass Counseling® Method For Healing The Soul And Unleashing Greatness” truly captures the Badass Counseling methodology, and is unrivaled in its effectiveness?

To better understand what makes “Love Cup” so effective, we caught up with author Sven Erlandson to ask him questions about why he wrote the book, how it has helped people, and what’s next.

The audio version of LOVE Cup is EXCLUSIVELY available from this website.

Sven, what inspired you to write “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup”?

Back in my 20s and early 30s, I went through a hellacious, 12-year suicidal depression, which culminated in a suicide attempt and a psych ward 36-hour incarceration. My marriage had gone to hell. My relationship with my young children was not good. My career as a pastor was being blocked by the people in power in my denomination. I was lost, confused, aching extraordinarily inside, and felt like there was no way out.

But prior to, during, and after that time, I was always actively engaged in intense self-help research, reading, and work, to the tune of hours and hours every day, before and after work. I read a thousand or more books to find answers to my life and to the underlying questions of 'Who am I' and 'What's my purpose?' Self-help books, love books, theology, psychology, philosophy, New Age, spirituality, and on and on.

I tried every exercise, technique, meditation, and method I could get my hands on. I experimented and tested everything on the guinea pig of my life. Some worked. Most didn't. But many offered new insights that moved me along the journey a little further.

What kept you going during this terrible time?Journaling

Through it all was the one constant – the journaling my wise, old mother had first taught me to do when I was 13. I had for decades been putting my thoughts and feelings into words. It was never a thought in my head that I'd become a writer, never a thought that I'd need journaling even to get through something like the hurricane of suicidal depression. But both ended up happening.

A handful of years after that suicide attempt, I had turned my life around, on my own with only the help of some authors and my own pen and paper. I didn't have therapists or psychologists helping me, because none really moved the ball down the field, for me. No clergy had medicine strong enough to help. No group meetings resonated with me. It was all DIY – building the plane of my self-help as I flew it.

Counseling 

But, ironically, I was also counseling others during this time, because I had learned from life and had skills in counseling the soul. This was my business – Badass Counseling. I was able to help people unpack their problems and see them clearly.

And, because of my own deep inner work over a decade, I had learned a great deal that could help others, even though I still was not fully healed myself.

I was, and still am, just one beggar trying to show another beggar where to find food.

 Writing and Counseling

Long story short, my method began to coalesce, because everything I taught clients, I had used on myself. I had created mostly my own tools and concepts. And I knew they worked. They were their own mosaics created from tiny bits and pieces from every author and interaction I had, as well as a hearty dose of my own creativity – the gods whispering in my ear, so to speak.

By the time I came out of the mad depression, I was on top of life like I had never been before. I had already written several books in the fields of the intersection of spirituality and religion, spirituality and politics, spirituality, and sports, etc.

In fact, I was the very first author, back in the 90s to name and fully delineate the then nascent 'Spiritual but not religious’ movement that has since become the single largest spiritual-religious movement in American history.

 >> See How a Bradley University Professor Totally Kicked My Butt...But...In A Most Ungentlemanly Way

But by the time the 2010s came around, I realized that I couldn't counsel everyone. Furthermore, I realized that there was a dearth of aggressive, deep-diving, yet loving counseling and counseling books in the world. No one was doing the shit that I was doing. And, I knew how important the rare, great self-help book had been in my movement through and out of suicidal life and depression/anxiety.

I knew I had to put out there all I had developed and learned. I had to show people the full framework for getting themselves out of the dark forest.

Hence, the genesis of There's a Hole in My Love Cup. I was inspired to pass on what I knew people needed – an aggressive, loving friend they could talk about their shit with as if doing so over a couple of beers; a friend who knew what to ask to take them deeper; a friend who knew exactly what they were avoiding and running from; a friend who knew how to bring healing.

Sven, what kind of problems does “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup” address?

The real fulcrum of the book is its explanation and treatment of core beliefs that drive our individual lives that most people aren't even aware of.

It's the messages that get pressed into the wet cement of a child's soul that then become the viruses infecting the operating system of their entire lives, well into old age....unless....unless they have the courage to go inside, spelunk the caves of truths and traumatic events they've been avoiding, and mine their past for the wisdom and healing it holds.

>> See Parents have been talking kids out of their passion for a long time?

The real problem of the tortured soul, the real problem below depression, cheating, suicide, loss, divorce, anxiety, abuse, and other forms of searing soul pain are the core beliefs that people have been taught to believe about themselves.

The messages they've received about themselves – be they explicit or implicit, intentional or unintentional – are at the root of 99% of life's hardest problems. It's not just the pain and fears from the past, present, and future. It's about those damn core beliefs that you can't even see.

They have to be brought into the light. Naming the beast is half the problem.

How does Love Cup help people?

So, what There's a Hole in My Love Cup delivers as a self-care/self-help book is a hand-holding, challenging, deep dive into the truths and lies that have been poured and written in cement covering the bedrock of your soul, covering your actual authentic self.

It forces you to look at, name, and begin to root out the stuff you can't see and have likely not wanted to see, because you can feel that stuff and it does not feel good. And, you know that whatever is down there is scary as hell. So, folks spend their lives running from it by distractions, chaos, and work; or by numbing and self-medicating.

For the person courageous enough to finally address that inner shit, or for the person finally so tired of running from it and tired of the price that running exacts on the spirit, Love Cup heals you in ways no book or therapist can, because it addresses the core problem – your beliefs about you that you didn't even know exist.

The concepts are deeply challenging, but the impact is doubled and tripled by the exercises and song recommendations at the end of chapters, as well as the 13 Bonus Tracks for the reader.

The book has sold tens of thousands of copies in paperback, ebook, and audiobook to people from South Africa to New Zealand, from the Azores of Portugal to Nanuet in far northern Canada, and all across the U.S. People continue to be shocked at the effectiveness of Love Cup in bringing healing they've never known and in removing the fog to reveal clarity of purpose and direction.

It has brought many, many people to a place of feeling so much lighter and energized. In more ways than can be enumerated, it packs a punch in delivering for readers its stated goal: a greater ALIVENESS!

Buy the Audiobook version of "There's A Hole In My Love Cup” Sven, what would you have done differently if you had had Love Cup to read?

I wrote the book I wished I would've had, back in my hardest years. I wrote the book with the parenting insights I wish I would've known in raising my kids. I wrote the book that helps solve the relationship problems I had and others have had. I wrote the book that has 30 years of soul counseling expertise woven in with massive personal experience.

Every exercise and chapter is tried and true from personal experience and as used in the lives of those 30 years of clients.

If I had had this book, the suicidal depression would've never happened or would've concluded in months, rather than years.

What has been the biggest surprise you’ve had as a result of “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup”?

The biggest surprise for me, the author, has been that it has delivered and people are shouting back to me how much it has changed their lives.

It's a really cool feeling to know that in some weird, spiritual way I'm holding people's hand through their darkest times, and I'm walking 'em through it and out of it, just like I wished I could've had.

The cool-ass surprise is realizing that I had to go through all the pain and disorientation alone to teach myself the layout of the dark forest and to learn all it was trying to teach me so that tons of people later wouldn't have to.

And, that's pretty frickin' cool!

What feedback have you received from the book?

Here’s an example that Carissa shares.

“The Journaling exercises are no joke, they hit me hard and go deep within my soul, but wow is it mind-blowing how much I'm learning about myself. For instance, I thought my biggest regret was one thing but once I really thought on it I discovered something deep within me I wasn't even aware of what's been driving me into dark places for so long. Without knowing that alone, how was I ever going to truly change for the better?

Words cannot express how thankful I am to find your book, videos, and podcasts. Over 20 years of counseling, close to 100 self-help books, and combined they haven't touched the depth of only a couple weeks following your book and shared content.

Sorry to go on and on but wow. I've been searching for this my entire life! An answer to countless prayers I make lying on the floor screaming and crying that I just wanted to be okay. You rock!”

So, What’s Next After Love Cup?

Now, Love Cup has birthed its next application!

I’m in the final stages of editing, and Badass Wisdom is the next iteration in the franchise.

It takes healing down to the quick-hit, deep dive of a powerful 365-day daily meditational that is replete with powerful quotes, quick stories, and deep questions. It is engineered to kick your ass every day and so take you to happiness, peace, and greater ALIVENESS!

Badass Wisdom will be available for purchase in Fall 2023!! Sign up for the Badass Counseling newsletter and be the first to know about Badass Wisdom!

Name * First Name Last Name Email *

Thanks for subscribing! Be on the lookout for Sven’s monthly email.

Thanks, Sven!

If you experience soul-searing issues such as feeling depressed and not knowing why, inexplicable gut-gripping anxiety, or feeling that your relationships with parents, children, or significant others are problems you don’t know how to address, consider reading “There’s a Hole In My Love Cup.”

Thanks for reading.

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Seven Books , Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

9 Badass Questions About Emotional Incest

Emotional incest is a topic that troubles many adults. It comes up a lot during the Badass Counseling podcast as well as counseling sessions. In fact, Emotional Incest: Parent-as-Friend and the Very Real Problem of Parental Over-sharing is one of the top-read articles on BadassCounseling.com.

Emotional incest is real. It is the result of a life disconnected from your own very true self and soul, which has been waiting for decades, deep inside, to be rediscovered. Check out these 9 badass questions and then ask yourself if you’re ready to reconnect with your soul.

What is emotional incest?

Emotional incest can be most simply defined as a parent using a child to get his/her own emotional or psychological needs or wants met. This using of the child can take the form of the parent:

dumping his or her problems, anxieties, fears, and situations onto the child, be they personal, relationship, financial, medical, sexual, family, parenting-related, or some other.

asking, and eventually expecting, the child to soothe the parent, whether physically or verbally, when the parent is doing the dumping or anytime the parent is experiencing emotional pain;

expecting the child to protect her/him emotionally, verbally, or even physically from any who might hurt the parent, including the other parent, extended family, friends, neighbors, or even the child’s own siblings;

insisting the child hold the family secrets or the family story/myths which often, if not always, run contrary to the very reality the child is experiencing – e,g. “There’s no abuse in our home” when in fact the child(-ren) is experiencing abuse;

begging or requiring the child to regularly, or constantly, tell the parent how good or great they are, often how terrific a parent they are, when because of the emotional abuse or other things the parent is definitely not that;

 What kind of damage does it cause?

Since the child is conditioned to key exclusively into the feelings, wants and needs of the primary external power source, whom the child simultaneously most loves and also most longs to receive love from, the child then takes on this keying into others as his/her modus operandi for all relationships, as mentioned above. But what that means that the child ignores or cannot hear his/her own inner voice, feelings, and needs, and, in fact, distrusts his/her own inner voice. Thus, a dependency is created inside this person, not just for love but for orientation – ie decision-making. The longing to be loved is so great (to the degree of the long-term suppression of self) that this person will give his/her life away, dreams away, and love away just to receive the small amount of love in return that he/she has been conditioned to receive.

What are the results of emotional incest?The child’s feelings become less important than those of the parent.

The adverse effects, or results, of these actions by the parent, often are that the child becomes acutely tuned into even the slightest shift in the emotions of the parent because he/she is expected to leap into actions to tend to the parent. This causes the child’s own feelings to become subjugated to the parent’s, diminished in value in the child’s own head, and often completely suppressed. The child becomes a living reaction and will, before long, start doing this with all people. This over-empathizing with the pain of others (to the exclusion of their own) becomes the very foundation of his/her personality. And that’s not a good thing, as that child and eventual adult will expend a lot of life disregarding self to tend others.

2. The child isn’t emotionally equipped to handle parental problems.

Another problem is that none of these problems that get dumped onto the child is the child equipped to handle. A four-year-old can’t process stubbing his toe, let alone the weight of adult relationships. A seven-year-old struggles with “My pencil is broken. Where do I get a new pencil,” not to mention a parent’s medical issues. A 12-year-old is just beginning to walk into the realm of trying to fathom his or her own sexuality and perception of peers and is in no way capable of taking in, let alone managing the sexual or financial wranglings and worries of an adult. Thus, the child loses his/her childhood, because she/he has now become overwhelmed with all the massive pain and fears that come with such large problems and the inability to solve those problems, not to mention the worst pain of all for a child: seeing or hearing his/her parent in distress, as well as feeling helpless to get them out of it.

It can cause the child to question reality if being expected to hold and sell a story that runs counter to the child’s very experience, such as in the abuse example above. The child learns to distrust and discounts his or her own memory and brain, not to mention his/her memories of childhood.

3. The child’s Love Cup Never Gets Fully Replenished

Further, the above-listed problems are nearly all functions that the parent is supposed to be providing for the child, not vice-versa. Hence, not only is the child shouldering and internalizing all of the parent’s problems and negative emotional energy, but the child is also giving out excessive emotional/life energy (to the parent), all while never getting his or her own love cup filled by the parent, never getting his or her own problems helped through by the parent, never getting help dealing with (let alone even being allowed to acknowledge) his or her own feelings.

Essentially, the gas tank, or love cup, is constantly being emptied and never replenished, or only getting small replenishment from outside sources (teachers, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend), rather than in large doses from where it’s supposed to primarily come from – parents! This can cause the child to latch onto such a person, often at a great price (be it sexual, health, safety, financial, future career), because it feels too good to even get a little bit of love from someone.

Is the parent aware that his/her actions are having these effects?

The parent is often unaware (strange as that may sound) that they’re even engaging in these actions with the child. Tragically.

At the same time, there are times when the parent IS aware, and does it anyway.

These expectations that the parent has of the child do not magically go away. In fact, far more often than not, they persist not only well into adulthood but into old age, to the parent’s death, and even after the parent is long passed.

Many adult children of deceased parents still protect the parent’s story, image, and secrets to the extreme detriment of their own healing and growth.

 Why does emotional incest happen?

Emotional incest happens for a few reasons:

Lack of Awareness About Emotional Incest

Parents, and culture in general, are often unaware of the troublesome nature of, or negate the significance of, the dumping of adult problems onto children, or the highly problematic effects of the parent using the child to get his/her own needs met, in any way at all, but especially in the ways listed above;

Lack of Parental Self-Awareness

Parents, even people in general, are often unaware, crazy as it sounds, of what is literally coming out of their mouths and/or who is hearing it;

Parents Have Unhealed Pain in their past

Imagine a mug full to the absolute brim with piping hot coffee sitting on a coffee table. Try pouring more piping hot coffee into that mug or even just agitating that table, and what happens? Piping hot coffee spills out. But it doesn’t spill out on the person or dog on the chair on the other side of the room. No, it spills out on whatever is nearest to that cup. The parent has so much crud in his/her own love cup that adding even one more drop or agitating that parent’s life causes that crud from the parent’s past to come spilling out, often regularly, onto the child.

This is why healing one’s own childhood and past is so critical to deliberate parenting. Emotional incest happens because of unhealed pain in the parent’s past, as well as the core beliefs that parent was taught about him or herself. In my book, There’s a Hole in My Love Cup, I hold the reader’s hand while kicking the reader’s ass, through the process of de-charging and defanging the reader’s past, effectively emptying the reader’s own love cup.

Parents Believe that Children Exist For the Parent

Ultimately, whether conscious of it or not, emotional incest happens because the parent believes, deep down, that the child fundamentally exists for the parent, not vice-versa. The parent may put on airs of grand service to the children, protection of the children, and only working toward the best interests of the child, all with much pomp and fanfare.

But, with a bit of digging, it becomes painfully obvious that much of what the parent is doing, even the seemingly good or socially acceptable stuff, including going overboard for the child in certain ways or always being at events or always catering to the child’s financial needs, for example, is to create the appearance of being a good parent or as a means to justify using the child for his/her other needs.

Who is most vulnerable to emotional incest?

Any child (or adult-child long conditioned to believe his/her own needs and feelings do not matter) who loves his/her parent, which is all of them. Of course, everything shifts, and nothing shifts, when the child or adult-child stops loving the parent or starts hating the parent for all of this.

Everything changes insofar as the child, teen, or adult-child stops being a people-pleaser, at least to the parent, and becomes spiteful, a rebel, or self-destructive. Nothing changes, even if the child does become any of those three things because the child, teen, or adult-child is still a living reaction to the parent, not a sui generis, or self-generating person.

Spirited rebellion is often mistakenly viewed as originality, but, by definition, it isn’t. To ‘rebel’ means to act ‘in response to,’ ‘in reaction to’ some external power source. The parent is still, at the root, controlling the child, despite all outward appearances to the contrary.

Does it happen mostly with mothers who treat their sons like husbands?

No, because even in a healthy marriage, no spouse can dump all of their problems onto the other; no spouse can expect the other to meet all of her/his needs for attention, problem-solving, and assuaging of sadness, anxiety, and the like.

No, it happens with parents of any gender who, often unwittingly, see their child as existing to meet their own needs:  

Fathers who need their daughters to see them as their hero or rock;  

Mothers who see their daughters as their servants or guardians;

Fathers who see their sons as living extensions of themselves, therefore existing to bolster their ego or listen to all his gripes;

Mothers who see their sons as existing to meet their needs for (non-sexual) affection or to be mom’s best buddies.

What are the signs of emotional incest?

The signs of potential emotional incest include:

The inability to say ‘no’ when someone, particularly a loved one, expresses a need, want, or expectation

The belief that “I can take it,” “I can take it,” “It’s no big deal,” and “I got it,” are more important than “I need help” and “I can’t do this” and “This is killin’ me”

Feeling drained, burned out, unable to help others anymore, short-tempered, tired, sad, perhaps even suicidal

Putting family needs always above personal needs, feelings, and wants

Emotionally sensitive; cry at the drop of a hat

Emotionally insensitive or no longer caring

How do you protect yourself?

Well, this is what makes it so awful. The child is unable to protect him-/herself. The child is a defenseless victim in the truest sense of the word. There is no defense. The best the child can hope for is to heal later in life when he or she has the capacity to do so.

It is parental abuse. To say that one form of abuse is worse than another is the domain solely of the abused in each individual set of circumstances.

Dealing with emotional incest? Consider participating in the Badass Counseling Podcast.

Are you suffering from having been your parent’s emotional tampon? It’s time to get in touch with your authentic self. Here are a few next steps:

Consider reading There’s a Hole in My Love Cup

Listen to the “Parenting/Childhood” TikToks on Badass Counseling.

Listen to the Badass Counseling Podcast.

Thanks for reading.

Explore Badass Counseling Courses

 -- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Five Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

The Meaning of Badass and Badass Counseling

Badass isn’t a conventional way to name a counseling business. That said, it perfectly captures the kind of counseling that Badass Counseling provides. Read on to learn more.

What is 'badass' and what does it mean to live a 'badass' life?

I come from the world of sports and also the world of the arts. The true badasses are the ones who are not constrained by what society, family, religion, or life would say to them with garbage such as:

You must be normal

You must be afraid to express your real self-authored self

You must be what we want you to be

Feelings do not matter

Always be tough

Don't express, just follow

The badasses are the ones who have the courage to kill it; it being life and life on their own terms. I think of feelings and tears and how men (and many women, too) have been conditioned to believe that feelings, especially tears, are a sign of weakness. Yet, to the badass that makes no sense.

A true badass is just being whomever he damn well wants to be in any given moment. He's so tough that he can be weak and not concern himself with utterly arbitrary definitions of manhood.

When his dog dies, he allows his sorrow to come out.

When his child must have surgery, he allows his terrible fear to find healthy expression.

When she has a fiery vision she wishes to pursue, she does not constrain herself with the expectations and criticisms of others.

When he is hurt or offended in love, he says so, not waiting for all the small and medium hurts to build up into one giant mountain of hurt, which he only then feels justified in expressing.

To be badass is simply to have the courage to be authentic, which is a path and trait far too rare in our homogenized lives.

Why a 'badass' counselor? What does that even mean?

To then carry 'badass' into the realm of counseling and coaching means we're no longer trying to get people to be tough, per se. For, old forms of toughness are a facade, a completely arbitrary and pretend notion of what you 'should' be rather than simply being who you are.

Badass Counseling is the raking out of those old forms and conceptions to reveal beneath the packed crud the fledgling shoots of your real self, waiting to poke through and grow. Badass Counseling is to get rid of all the shit that has been dragging you down from inside (and some of it around you), your entire life. It's to help you hear your own inner voice, calling you to your greatest peace, power, and sense of purpose.

It is to then hold your hand as you endure the criticisms of those around you and soon free yourself from them. It is to watch you fly away on your own new journey, armed with the tools you'll need to live as a badass, as an authentic.

>> See The 10 REAL Reasons You're Not Happy & Your Business Isn't Successful: Diamonds and Raw Sewage

More importantly, what's the benefit of Badass Counseling?

But, Badass Counseling not just helps you become your fullest, most badass self. The method itself is badass because it forces you to go deep, fast, hard, and get results now, not 6 years from now. It's just frickin' hard. But, in the hands of the Badass Counselor, the hardness feels simultaneously liberating and exciting.

Badass Counseling rejects the notion that the goal of any sort of counseling or tending the soul is to get to a state of normal – i.e., to simply get out of the depths of life's hard times. The goal is not normalcy, but aliveness, which is the elevation of what is normal to what feels like bliss, not in every moment but more as a resting default state.

The grand benefit of Badass Counseling, then, is to finally experience a sense of genuine, lasting physical lightness. It is to experience spontaneous energy. It is to be excited to wake up each day. It is CLARITY, which has eluded you for far too long. It is to know your path and your own sense of strength in endeavoring that path. It is to finally have the courage to stand up to, or at least finally walk away from, the bullies.

The benefit of Badass Counseling is to finally feel and know ALIVENESS!

 

If everything is 'badass,' why the salutation, “Have a Kickass Day,” which seems to be the Badass Counseling motto?

First, linguistically, kickass has two plosives and one fricative in it. So, it just carries more of a punch in the face when it comes out of the mouth.

Secondly, and equally important, badass is an aspiration, a noun (largely), a solid adjective, and a compliment. Kickass is a verb or very strong adjective, and a bit more of an imperative.

In short, third, badass implies power; kickass implies fire. So, they work well together, each a nuanced version of the other.

Are You Ready to Be Badass?

If you aren’t yet in touch with your authentic self, it’s time to reconsider. Life is too short to spend it being constrained by what others tell you to do and be. Instead, be badass so you can feel and know aliveness.

Thanks for reading. Have a Kickass Day!

Learn more about Badass Counseling

 -- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Five Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

Parents have been talking kids out of their passion for a long time?

Heavy cry, today.

It's not that I'm missing my dad, who died on Palm Sunday, right after Covid started, last year, at 92. Nah, it's not that. It's something else.

Back in '16, Dad sent a letter exchange between him and his father, from back in 1954. He had told me about them, prior to that, and I asked if I might see them. He obliged and sent them. I never really looked at them, 'til now.

At that point, Dad was 26. He had gone to Lutheran Bible Institute in Mpls, also junior college in Wahoo, NE, and graduated from Gustavus College in MN, a Swedish-Lutheran small school out in farm country, that spring.

Now, he's into his second semester of his first year, writing home to the family farm in Kittson County, the northwesternmost county in MN, on the Canadian and North Dakota borders. And, what kills me about Dad's letter home is something I always believed about my own father, even though he never spoke these words of this letter to me. As you can see in the typed paragraph I excerpted, he's having not a crisis of faith, but of calling. Here he is in seminary in Rock Island, IL, longing for the farm, feeling called to work the soil. He specifically states that the spring-like day makes him want to “come up and go to work up there for a few days or longer to prepare for spring's work etc,” almost quietly asking for permission to come home for awhile and work the farm and machine shop they had for producing the 'crop duster,' which was Grandpa's invention for spraying crops with pesticide.

He continues, “Sometimes, I wonder if that isn't my place – at least, so it's so very close to my heart that I can't quite shut it out of my mind.” He's going into ministry, yet dreaming of crops, soil, machinery, and animals. Speaking now of his brothers, who would themselves go to seminary and ministry, at different points, “With Alden well on his way to getting into the scholarly life for which I think he was cut out, and Paul maybe likewise, I think of the opportunity in my hand to swing back into full time farming which I once was sold on doing. Maybe it would be the most honorable thing for me to do – and Christian thing, too – to think of that as being what I was cut out for.”

Later in the day, he comes back to the letter and writes, “I have always liked farming etc. and I sometimes feel very strongly that I should spend my life in Kittson County on the farm taking care of what has been given us thus far by God and good parents. Also, I think that in that way also, it would more possible assure Erland [youngest brother, still a kid] of a chance to go on for more schooling and maybe become a greater student and/or minister than I.”

He's fucking selling!!!! He's so begging for his father to give him permission to leave ministry and go back to to the work he loves – farming.

As a guy who spends his life setting adults and youngsters free to live their own lives and who sees the pain, daily, when people are still gripped by the wants and demands of parents, my soul grieves for my own father. I have told a million people a million times that my father was a farmer, at heart. A good pastor, to be sure. But never passionate about anything more than farming. In his 80s, he would drive to Mahnomen, MN, to drive heavy truck in the fields during sugar beet harvest, just for fun.

God!!!!! What the f—k!?! He spent his whole life pining for the farm and to go back to where he felt most at home. [Crying, writing this.]

The second photo is Grandpa's response, or a paragraph of it, at least. I know Grandpa's tone from the rest of the letter is not one of a man of anger or force, but a loving, firm, but doting father. He's the type of father the sons don't fear angering, but fear disappointing – a sometimes infinitely more powerful elixir in steering young ones from themselves.

Read.

And may I preface this by saying that the Erlandson farm was a massively successful family farm for the era. 1600 acres during the Depression and WWII and after. Plus, the revenue-producing machine shop. This was no small operation and it was a labor of love, at least for my father.

Though, Grandpa Alric references Martin Luther's concept of the “priesthood of all believers” – ie that even the layman is just as much a priest as the cleric, just as honorable a vocation, just as close to God – he then goes on to write this in his obviously loving letter, “Maybe it would do you some good to hear a bit of testimony from your old dad, as the years pass by [Grandpa in his 50s, at this point], I feel more and more my inability to serve my loving Savior and I feel it would be a real desired privilege to have the education and ability to preach and teach – as you now have. Farming must be looked at only as a means of making a living. We, your mother and I, hear often from people we talk to how much they appreciate your sermons [when you preached here on last visit] and how you are so fitted for the ministry...”

He's pushing back, gently. He's counter-selling, Dad. Grandpa has his own wishes, it seems, that he's trying to encourage Dad to pursue. The letter ends with this snippet from Grandpa, “So, LeRoy, my fatherly advice would be why not forget the farm and what love for the earthy and set your mind on full service to Him who has provided so wonderfully for your education and preparation to serve him full time. He will give the reward...”

Did you see what happened in that last paragraph? I'm sure it wasn't Grandpa's intention to turn the phrase that way, as he was a self-described simple man. And, it would be quite consistent with the Lutheran-Christian language of that era and my family to say that God “provided so wonderfully for your education and preparation to serve” and to mean it as such. But, in a way, my Dad's dad was the one who provided so wonderfully. And would it be all that unreasonable if the subconscious of the 26 year-old interpreted it as “Dad provided for me and now I should serve the interests that Dad determines, full time”?

F—kin hell!!! Dad got talked out of pursuing his passion by a father who wished that he, himself [Grandpa], could be a pastor.

So, I raise this only to tell you of my tears, today. But also, to ask you this question, do you think this notion of children having their own ideas of what would make them happy, and parents having their own ideas of what their grown child should do (to make the parent happy, perchance), is a new phenomenon? Yes, Dad could find the good in anything, and found the good in ministry. But there is zero doubt that finding the good in something and pursuing what you love are two completely different things.

Ah the power of the fear of disappointing a parent....

"He Told The Story" -- Eulogy of an American

He told the story of, at age 7, accompanying his father through the windbreaks, sloughs, and culverts of his neighbors and schoolmates, as his dad led the volunteer effort to bring the fruit of President Roosevelt's Rural Electrification Act to Kittson County, Minnesota's northwestern-most.

He told the stories of his one-room country schoolhouse and his older brother, Alden, wearing a tie to school every day, thus earning Alden the title of 'professor' among friends. He told of their country church of mostly Swedish farmers and their families, and how he and his kid-brother, Paul, would help their dad team up the horses when it was still dark on savagely cold, winter Sunday mornings, so that they could get their sleigh and the family it carried to church early enough to start the fires in the furnace, an hour or more before everyone arrived.

He told the story of the time he was standing next to his father, who was talking to their new pastor, and being struck by the firmness of how he spoke to the young clergyman, “Pastor, if I'm teaming up my horses in 50-below weather, I expect more than a 30-minute sermon,” proud of the fact that it was he and his brother who had helped their dad feed and yoke the horses that morning, in the dark. He would tell the stories

of hours spent at church, eating, playing, and enjoying the one day farmers didn't work;

of his dad's weekly one-hour, Sunday nap on the sofa;

of the big family meal that followed;

of the family later gathering in the parlor to stand around the piano and sing hymns, many times the three boys singing with their sister, Eleanor, who would often play the accompaniment; and

of all three generations sitting together on sofa or floor as his grandfather read to them one of Martin Luther's sermons…in Swedish.

Reverend Avis Benson, who, for years, had been a pastor in that Swedish country church, decades later told me, “I have never been in a home where there was so much laughter and so much music.”

Dad told story after story of coming of age during the Great Depression and working their 1600-acre farm and their on-site machine shop, where they also built grandpa's US Government patented plant dusters (which used the exhaust of the tractor as a propellant to deliver dry pesticide to the crops) to ship, generally to the south where they were used by cotton farmers. He spoke of harvesting potatoes on the back of a long trailer grandpa had rigged to lift, sort, and bag the spuds, right in the field, with dad as lead bagger. The bagger, I would later discover from their fourth brother, Erland, had to be the strongest of the brothers, because repetitively sewing, lifting, and stacking 110 lb gunny sacks full of potatoes was no small feat. Dad's raw, physical strength was confirmed by Paul – the real kidder among the brothers – who relished telling of how two of the oldest three boys would often chase the third, pin him down, and suck on his nose, which was the farm-kid equivalent of total domination and humiliation. Dad, Paul confirmed, was always one of the two – ie always Paul or Alden on the receiving end, never LeRoy. (Baby brother, Erland, was still too young to be involved in such highjinks.) That training with his brothers, who were neither slight nor shrinking violets, themselves, served him well when he later briefly wrestled for the University of Minnesota, while attending agriculture school.

But one of my favorite stories was a wartime one. Through his teen years, production had been at full-speed for the war effort. Dad, like many young men, felt hampered that all he could do was provide food for the soldiers and sailors. So, at 17, dad insisted that his mother drive him to Grand Forks to enlist. He'd heard the Navy had the best food, so that was his direction, even though he had never seen the ocean. Because it was the spring, grandpa had to stay behind, working day and night, tilling and planting. This was no good, because LeRoy discovered that to enlist at 17 he had to be accompanied by his father. Just a couple months later, V-E Day happened, quickly followed by V-J Day. (That same spirit carried over to his oldest son, Kent, who enlisted in the Vietnam war and followed with 30+ years in the Air Force Reserves.)

left to right: Alden, Paul, Alric (LeRoy’s father), Erland, LeRoy

He told how the family farm/shop were so successful that his dad bought his mom lavish gifts, which she would often insist that he return and put the money back into the farm or the offering plate. The wealth was confirmed by the well-circulated picture of the four boys, as late-teens in the 40s, in the yard, each standing in front of his own new Buick, bought with their own money, earned by their sweat and strong backs.

I recall him saying, “The three most respected men in town were the doctor, the banker, and the pastor.” He told of how he and his siblings walked away from the wealth of their large family farm, all three of the oldest brothers becoming Lutheran pastors, Eleanor becoming a singer and long-time parish treasurer, and youngest Erland pursuing a successful career as the county's respected photographer.

Dad went to Lutheran Bible Institute (L BI) on Portland Avenue in Minneapolis, where one fateful Saturday morning, while returning from the basement laundry room, he met a smart, pretty girl, named Charlotte. She was the young woman with whom he would spend the next nearly 70 years. After LBI, it was college. His entire life, he proudly wore on his right hand ring finger his 'G-ring' from his halcyon days at the Swedish-Lutheran college, Gustavus Adolphus, in rural Minnesota.

He told of greatly disliking the study of Hebrew in seminary, even though by the time he got to Augustana Theological Seminary in Rock Island, IL, he was fluent in Swedish from his home, as well as German from high school and college, and had been a Greek major in college. But, as he told it, Hebrew class was at 8am, and he worked quite late, each night, at the hospital as an orderly. Hebrew was not his idea of a pleasant alarm clock. And so, it never came easily or stuck.

LeRoy Arthur Erlandson served parishes in Kennedy, MN, and Oberon, ND, where he raised sheep to augment his country pastor income. He pastored a young and growing suburban Lutheran church in Irving, TX, with parishioners who were on staff at Parkland Hospital when President Kennedy was brought there. He told of one of his church-members thinking it was such a cruel joke, when she overheard on the elevator, en route to the OR, that the president had been shot.

He moved his family back to rural Minnesota in the late-60s to pastor a three-point parish. By this time, Dan, Karla, David, John, and Sven had joined Kent. And Charlotte, his wife, both raised the children and was a leader in LeRoy's parishes, as well – teaching classes for adults and teens, leading Bible studies, counseling endless people in the evenings or middle of the night, just as dad did. She had been trained as a schoolteacher and was quite successful as such, but she, too, had a calling to serve God and His people in the church. She was the wise woman every parish needs and every husband needs. Her work ethic rivaled his, exceeding it, at times. She would later go on to have her own career as a Director of Education for large churches, teach at the graduate level, and author countless articles in the field of early childhood education. She carried him; he carried her. They both carried us and every hurting soul who crossed their path. They never bickered in front of the kids. They took graduate classes together, after the kids were all born and even though he had long prior finished grad school, to nurture their own relationship. Together, they showed us what a steady, patient marriage looks like, even as they would gently needle each other and he would regularly poke and laugh with us.

I recall phoning him, a couple of years ago, and the first words out of his mouth, after being asked how he was doing today, were, “Not so good. I was facing the wrong direction, this morning, and put my shirt on backwards.”

LeRoy ended his parish work at another growing suburban parish, Redeemer Lutheran in Fridley, MN. But, he would go on to spend 12 more years in ministry as a Protestant chaplain at the Twin Cities VA Hospital. It was from his daily interaction with veterans and staff that his favorite story comes, the one that would cause him to beam, while telling, right up to just months before his death, at age 92. Across the giant atrium of the Vet's Hospital, some salty, old vet sighted dad's white coat and Roman collar, and hollered, “Hey chaplain, saved any souls, today?” To which, Dad immediately and loudly quipped, “No, Jesus did that 2000 years ago. I just get to tell people about it.” No small amount of shirt buttons were lost in the telling of that story, notwithstanding the fact that immodesty is easily the most disdained of all sins among his Swedish-Lutheran-Minnesotan people.

And therein is the rub. I've spent decades – a pastor and spiritual counselor, myself – examining and contemplating my father's life, as son's do. While it may sound sentimental, even dopey in this era, he had

no avarice, even eschewing wealth for a life of serving God and His people;

no gluttony – he ate hearty and worked hearty, but never to excess, and was for most intents and purposes the classic Scandinavian-American teetotaler;

no lust, as he adored his wife of 66 years, Charlotte, and did everything he could to serve her;

by any metric, he was humble; no over-weaning pride, except in those rare moments of relaying an especially deft rejoinder,

no anger or hate, never speaking maliciously or ill of anyone;

he envied no man, as his own hard work provided a roof and a full table, which, for him, were themselves markers of good health, abundance, and happiness; and

as a man known for stories, good humor and hard work, he could never be accused of anything remotely resembling sloth.

He never broke the Commandments, either. He was just this classic, WWII-era man, in whom there was no guile, who never really left the farm or departed from what that huge farm was about – hard work, horseplay, laughter, hard work, music, God, servant-leadership, good food, and hard work. And he was, most assuredly, a man who defined himself by his people – Swedes, Augustana Synod Lutherans, Minnesotans, farmers.

I recall flying to Minnesota in his final year to join mom and him for breakfasts and morning devotions, as this was Karen's and my favorite ritual of theirs to witness and be part of – scripture reading, food for thought from a devotional tract, sing a hymn from the hymnal, Lord's Prayer, the Benediction, Amen. It had been there, every morning of my life, before running to the bus for school. We would complain, as kids, but we did it. Now, to share that with them was pure gold.

And on that particular visit, I got to attend church with them, as well. Coming from my hotel, I recall sliding into the pew next to dad's wheelchair. He pinched my leg as I stooped over to kiss his cheek. He elbowed my ribs and, needling me in a whisper, said, “You gonna stay awake for the sermon,” even though we both knew darn well that his was the best preacher in the city. Then I reached over the pew end to shake his hand and, once again, despite a lifetime spent in the gym lifting heavy weight, my grip was no match for his farmer's hands, even in his 90's – the same hands that gave the most ferocious of back rubs between matches at my wrestling tournaments, in my teens. Like every other time, he crushed me and he knew it and relished it, with a twinkle and a smirk, as I laughed. It was the in-church equivalent of sucking my nose, and we both knew it.

The real truth is, I spent a lot of years, in my teens and twenties, annoyed by my father's seemingly incessant storytelling. And others, too, seemed frustrated with his loquaciousness. But, as the decades rolled, I reflected on those stories more, finding their wisdom, hearing the whispers of my own story's precursors. There was so much unintentional guidance in them. It's odd how a story and a voice can provide direction and grounding, connection to roots.

It was in those oldest of stories that he sought refuge, more and more, as the tunnel of his mind grew tighter and tighter with Alzheimer's. It was a return to the beginning. That which was most distant was most familiar and soothing. His grandparents had been dead for half a century; his father, who held his hand slogging through those fields in '35, died when LeRoy was in his 30’s; his mother, who had spoken those fateful words to him in the kitchen on the farm, when he asked her how you know when the girl is the right one (“Du vet,” she replied in Swedish. 'You'll know') had died, back in the 70’s. Since then, the professor, who had in fact gotten a PhD and served several parishes, was gone, as was the kidder, who had faithfully served his family and parishes. The photographer had died decades ago, sorely missed by the younger generation. The only ones left from the farm were his ailing, younger sister with her beautiful voice and LeRoy, himself...........and the stories of all that was. Those glorious stories.

He pulled his last breath on Palm Sunday, 2020; fitting for a country pastor, who was really just a farm-kid, at heart. Like Jesus, he had lived his life humbly, a servant of men, and without any fanfare. It is right that such a man should enter the gates with fanfare, like the one he spent his life following. And there he now resides. If anyone ever deserved such a place, it's LeRoy. Good, decent, generous in spirit, playful, and, ultimately, a pure instrument of God's love in the world.

****Quite unrelated, yet related: In 1962, a traveling salesman, whose wife was often comforted and put to sleep by the gentle hum of the air conditioner, invented what came to be known as the white noise machine. It soothed people, calmed them, helped them sleep.

I've often thought about that invention, these past ten years, as we've witnessed the slow approach of dad's end. It was the incessant patter of dad's voice, his playful laugh, and those stories that I've pondered most. Yes, they guided me. Yes, they gave me grounding. Yes, they gave me history. But, they were more. Those seemingly endless stories were the soothing white noise of my life. They calmed me. They reminded me that there has been worse, and that this, too, shall pass. And now that white noise of my father's patter and never-ending stories is gone. Only deafening silence in the middle of winter's cold night.

How will I sleep?

SvenErlandson, MDiv, BadassCounseling NYC/Stamford CT

How a Bradley University Professor Totally Kicked My Butt...But...In A Most Ungentlemanly Way

 

As academics go, I ain't nothin'. I'm little more than a zit on the arse of academia. I had the good fortune of leaving Minnesota after high school to attend the US Air Force Academy. After the leaving the Academy, I got accepted to an Ivy League school, but ended up going back to Minnesota, where I attended both Gustavus and Augsburg Colleges, later going to Lutheran seminary in California and a couple of years at Catholic seminary in the Midwest, after which I served for years as a Lutheran pastor, while writing and building my counseling practice. So, I've never been anything more than a minnow in the academic world.

But, I'm a good Midwestern kid, whose parents both went to school in Rock Island, Illinois -- mom for college and dad for seminary to be a Lutheran pastor. In fact 3 of my 4 pastor uncles went to the old Augustana Seminary in Rock Island. And, for years, I traveled across the country, particularly through the Midwest/North working for an insurance drug plan provider. I've been through Peoria more times than I could possibly count.

Well, one of those times was way back in 1999. I had been doing quite a bit of driving, at that time, for business and personal reasons, and was using that opportunity to post fliers on college campuses advertising the first book I had written. I had started writing the book about 4 years prior, but finished it that year. And, because I was such an academic lightweight who had no connections, no platform, and no publishing company willing to back a completely unknown writer (long before the days of the internet transforming unknown works of any sort into mass phenomena), I published the book in the then-nascent world of print-on-demand. Again, I was a complete nobody. And I was advertising my book, which was going to be coming out a short time later in 2000, the old-fashioned way: word of mouth and good old Xeroxed paper copies, which I taped up in hall after hall across the collegiate Midwest in my spare time on these trips.

Well, the book came out in 2000....and no one bought it. Ever. It's not that the book sucked. In fact, a reviewer or two in more than one publication said that it was a 'must read' for all professors, clergy, bishops and anyone looking at religion and spirituality in the future. But no one bought it. Well, my mother bought it, but that was more just to assuage my otherwise frail writer's ego. (Thanks, mom!) 

See, because I was a nobody in the world of religious studies, American sociology of religion, spirituality, and the like, no one even knew the book existed. No sales. No money. No notoriety. Nuthin'. And over the next year or three, I had to come to terms with the fact that I had spent nearly five years of my life conceptualizing, hammering out, editing (poorly), and promoting a book and concept that ultimately led to a whole big bag of zip, for me.

My lone consolation in all of that pathetic crying in my beer (after beer....after beer) was that I knew I had the tiger by the tail. I knew that even if I never made a dollar at it, I was on to something. 

 

“I knew that I was the first writer,
ever,
to both name and delineate
the ‘spiritual but not religious’ movement in America,
LONG before that phrase became part of common parlance
and even longer before that phenomenon hit critical mass in America.”

I knew that even if my book never sold, never made me a dollar or famous, or even if the book totally blew.....I knew that I was the first to put that name -- 'spiritual but not religious' -- in print and to delineate its history, theology, and impact. There it was, right on the cover: Spiritual But Not Religious: A Call To Religious Revolution in America; and there it was, inside jacket: the copyright of July, 2000. It was forever now in ink -- indisputable proof that my hard work had paid off. At the very least, I was first. And lemme tell you, when you got nothin' else, you'll take it. You find at least mild consolation, mild reward in knowing you did a good thing and really nailed a great concept FIRST. Amid my tears and beers, I told myself that I was basically the de facto father of what was becoming the largest spiritual/religious movement in American history. (Yes, a bit grandiose, but c'mon I'd had a few beers! Okay, several beers.)

Well, that consolation only lasted about a year. I had moved out to Los Angeles with my girlfriend and got wind that a professor at one of those colleges where I had taped fliers back had just been published by OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS with a book entitled....wait for it....Spiritual But Not Religious: Understanding Unchurched America! 

Copyright??? December, 2001. 

A year and a half after mine had come out and a full two years after I had gone on my completely fruitless, though respectably prodigious, flier campaign. Two years!

And c'mon, Oxford University Press? This very respectable professor had landed a very big fish in the academic publishing world, really as big as they get. 'Oxford' on anything in academia all but guarantees success. And what's worse, it was actually a really good book! He had gone down a very different tangent with his book, where mine had chosen to cover and delineate the full breadth of the phenomenon. And it it was good stuff. Solid research, good writing....and far better edited than mine (It's Oxford; of course it's going to be better edited than mine!). 

Well, being young and naive, I sat down with a lawyer in Los Angeles. Surely there was something that could be done. Surely this notable professor of consummate pedigree couldn't just pilfer my title. Surely I had some ownership rights.

Well, um, no. He informed me that because the title describes a phenomenon, the title can be used by anyone, whether I coined it or not. Now, if that same professor had gone on to steal my structure or make similar points, then I would have a case. But because the professor, Dr. Robert C. Fuller, had taken a smaller piece of the movement, he could use the title all he liked, just as there are likely 100 books in the library entitled 'Tennis' or 'Plumbing'. 

Heartbroken and humiliated, I went on to watch the sales of the good Dr.'s book grow. I even got a call from my sister in Dallas, who said she had heard the fellow give an interview on NPR. Tough nut that she is, she called in to defend her kid brother being first, but was brushed aside amid the hype of his well-publicized book. (Gotta love big sisters! Though, she's always been more of a brother -- tough, mean when necessary, and willing to smoke a cigar when the brothers are playing poker! What's not to love about that? :D )

I even reached out and had a very brief email exchange with the good Dr, congratulating him and citing how we had gone different directions with book.

Anyway, basically, I got my butt handed to me over the next decade by the success of Professor's book, as well as the countless subsequent books on the topic by various other authors. To this day, a great portion of Americans self-describes as 'spiritual but not religious' and that phrase can even be found on dating websites, such as Match.com. The phrase has now become all but ubiquitous. 

And I've had to let it go. All those years in sports, playing D1 football, and being an NCAA Strength Coach, as well as counseling countless clients, taught me that hard lesson,

You win some,You lose some.

 

I long ago had to let go of and move on from that loss. To allow the creative juices to flow again and get back on task to the work I do, I had to accept that the small victory of being first was my consolation prize for a half-decade of hard work on that book (and recovering from it).

I long ago came to terms with the simple fact that Professor Bob Fuller had kicked my ass up and kicked my ass down. He had won, fair and square, and handily, I might add. 

And then came Wikipedia and later the 'spiritual but not religious' page on it. Someone had alerted me to it and that my name was on it. Granted, I wasn't cited for being first, but for a guy who had gotten a whole lotta nothin' even a tiny shout-out on Wiki was a grand thing, even years and years after the fact, long after my book had gone out of print and I had gotten effectively kicked out of ministry (both for my radical theology and for standing up for gay rights....three times).

For years, I delighted in the fact that someone had remembered. And in the last year, it had even been noted on Wiki that my book had been the first. Such delight. True recognition. 

And then it happened.

I had been writing an article, recently, and was going to cite the Wiki page, when I'll be damned if the darn thing hadn't been wiped clean of any mention of me! And, to salt it a bit more, there were roughly 10 different references to Dr. Fuller's book and one very large shout-out to him. 

This guy was kickin' my ass, even 15 years later. Now, his book getting more popularity than mine was fine enough and old news, to be sure. But that he had someone so utterly committed to his one book that they would keep tabs on Wikipedia and ensure his prominence by citing his fine book more than any other author mentioned, while simultaneously erasing the original author on the subject....now THAT is a dedicated disciple! How come I didn't get any disciples like that?

So, I called him. Internet being what it is, it took me about two minutes to get his phone number on White Pages and I asked him if I was interrupting his dinner and that I would certainly call back if there were a better time. He said, no, this would be fine.

And we talked. 

He swore, up and down, he had never heard of me. He even insisted he didn't know what it was. "Wikipedia," I asked. No, he said, he didn't know there was a 'spiritual but not religious' site on Wikipedia and that he surely hadn't written anything on Wikipedia because he didn't know how. I found it slightly odd that he would claim to not know how to write something on Wikipedia, implying that he knew it was not an easy process, even for a writer. How would he know that....unless he had been on Wikipedia? And what is the likelihood of him being on Wikipedia and not looking up the extremely popular topic of one of his books? So, okay, he hadn't likely written the nearly ten mini odes to himself, but someone had; someone who cared very much that the page become basically an homage to #2.

I mean, the page is a total drubbing. I'm gone. Totally written out of the history book of Wikipedia. Poof!

And, if I'm totally honest, at that point I was kinda offended. I asked him to simply do the gentlemanly thing and write me in for a half-sentence saying that I was the first author to both name and delineate the spiritual but not religious movement. I told him I didn't want some long protracted back and forth; all I wanted was my fair due. That's it. I told him I didn't care if my book was quoted or even utterly condemned, but just give me what I earned. Give me that one thing and I can walk away happy.

I knew darn well that if I cared enough to have someone insert that sentence on my behalf that his faithful disciple would wipe it clean again. And back and forth. And meanwhile, time and energy is wasted on the past. 

He stated in no uncertain terms that he would NOT do anything to help me, certainly not cite my book on the Wiki page. And I pleaded again to just do the gentlemanly thing. In his most aloof, above-it-all, academic voice he refused to do anything of the sort, refused to even acknowledge that he knew about the page, and, most conspicuously, claimed that he had no idea who I even am (of course also completely forgetting about our email exchange, 15 years prior).

So, I made a solemn promise to him, with my chest fully puffed up....over the phone....that when he dies after a long and wonderful life of 90 years (he's only in his early-60s now), I would, in a grand display of pettiness, pull down all of his citations on the page and insert my own little half-sentence. 

I don't think he was intimidated, in the least. But I felt better saying it. Because,

Sometimes the simple words,

"Oh yeah!" to a bully, or at least to a victor,

are enough to assuage the sting of getting your butt thoroughly kicked.

He beat me, fair and square. And, as with any conqueror, he made sure I knew that he had won. I was taught, "When you lose, say little. When you win, say even less." But there are a whole lot of winners out there who understand that to keep winning, sometimes you need to make sure the vanquished know you beat them.

And he did, fair and square. Am I pissed, at times? Sure, of course, but more that he couldn't be a gentleman about it. But life goes on. As I regularly tell clients: You win some, you lose some. But keep moving forward, always with an eye out for the next task that needs to be endeavored, always open to the creative flow, always ready to get to work. 

And so, now, I have to do the one thing all therapists, politicians, and preachers alike most hate to do: take their own advice.

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Five Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement (by his mother). He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

Focus and the Power of the Second Question: Long term business growth and career success

My father is going to be 88  years old, next month. After growing up on a very large family farm, during the Depression and WWII, he served for 60+ years as a very old-school Lutheran pastor, who also had six kids. 

Dad was nearly 40 when I was born, so he was usually the oldest of all my friends' parents, and always had an interesting bent on life. Of the many nuggets of wisdom this very old man shared, when I was a kid, one that still sticks in my head and infiltrates my spiritual counseling practice is simply this, "Sven, we're always selling. No matter what, you're always selling yourself."

 

 

 

A bit different from the Glengarry, Glen Ross notion 'Always Be Closing', what I began to realize, as I moved into adulthood is that dad wasn't saying I should always try to be selling, or closing, people, per se; it's not that I should constantly be trying to shake people down for business, for a connection, or for a sale. Instead, his point was much more matter-of-fact: It's irrelevant whether you think you're trying to sell someone; the simple fact of the matter is that you're ALWAYS selling yourself to people, whether you want to be or not. We, as humans, are forever making assessments about people, their character, and their intentions. It's primal. It goes back to the days of simple fight or flight: Do I trust this person? 

And, whether we're aware of it or not, one of our senses -- the sense of intuition -- is always assessing, always rejiggering the trust matrix in every relationship, even (and perhaps especially) in our most intimate, or long-standing, relationships. Slight adjustments (and occasionally major ones) are constantly being made to the joystick driving the aircraft. The instruments and mechanisms are never fully static. 

The implication of this -- of the fact that you and I are constantly assessing and being assessed, in every relationship -- is that, whether you like it or not, you're always selling. Always. Constantly making deposits into the trust account of the relationship, whether it be with a superior, subordinate, wife/husband, child, or friend. Eventually, you make enough deposits that occasional slip-ups, screw-ups, or needs -- i.e. withdrawals -- are generously allowed in the relationship. But that doesn't change the fact you are still selling, still being assessed.

 

The Power of the Second Question

As a former pastor, NCAA Strength Coach, and counselor for over 20 years, the single biggest influencer I have seen in the selling process -- whether in business sales, management, or, far more importantly, in our daily interactions with those we love -- is the simple notion of what I call 'giving a sh-t'.

The simple fact of the matter is that we trust people who give a sh-t ABOUT US. We trust people in life NOT who say the right words or even at times do the right things or even the people who have nice resumes (either as an employee or as a friend) or great education. We don't trust the smartest guy (or especially the one trying to be the smartest guy in the room). We don't trust the most experienced woman. We don't trust anyone solely because of what they have or have done. We trust someone because of how they apply what they have. More specifically, we trust someone not because of who they are, per se, but because we sense that they give a sh-t about me. That for this brief moment in time I feel like I matter to this person. Supposed intelligence, education, experience, or the right answers all go out the window when it comes to the very core point of earning trust. People can be bullied into short term sales, but not long term ones. Those require trust.

And the truth is, the greatest long term sales  you are making are not with your clients/customers or even with  your employees. Though, if you have a successful business, those relationships are of critical importance and you likely do convey to them that they matter, more than just for the dollars they represent. Nah, we've all been in business long enough (and for those of you that haven't, listen up!) to know that eventually into every sale, every business relationship, every year, every meeting, every day the thoughts creep in (or sometimes flood in) of those you love the most. You can be having the most kickass day at work, but you'll still have a hundred thoughts of your wife, or your man, your daughter, or your mother, your oldest son, or your oldest friend. 

This isn't just an article on 'Gee, you can't take it with you, so be good to your family and love them.' No, this is about giving a sh-t. This is about above-and-beyond type sh-t. For, the simple truth of the matter, for anyone in business, is that we tend to treat our clients/customer and (for the really great bosses) even our employees better than we treat those closest to us. We are far quicker to screw-up -- i.e. take a withdrawal -- on the side of our intimates than we are to screw-up on the side of clients. We are far quicker to say, "Right now, today, I give more of a sh-t about my clients than I do about my girlfriend/wife" or "At least for today, I give more of a sh-t about my customer in China than I give about my 14 year-old daughter." And the really sh-tty thing is that those 'Right now, todays...' add up. We keep doing it. We keep repeating it. We create a pattern that eventually conveys the very real, if deep-seated, message, "I actually DON'T give as much of a sh-t about you as I give about my work."

And that, my little friends, is one very, very powerful message for a spouse or a teen to get. In the mind of the receiver of that message, you are fundamentally saying to them, "You don't matter."

And the truth is, we all received that message, in one form or another growing up. And it is life's most painful message -- "You don't matter." So, when you then go and remind that person of the most painful message they received in life, they tend to pull away. They begin to lose trust. You begin to lose the sale, if I may be a bit crass. Patterns of behavior are very powerful things. Often they go unacknowledged verbally or consciously, but they are always sensed at the intuitive level. 

My last book was on the radical uptick in female infidelity in America in the last 10-15 years, to the point where it now rivals, or some say exceeds, that of male infidelity. Well, that course of action does not come without a driver, or drivers. There are causes to those effects. And one of the drivers (though not the biggest) is the feeling that one's mate no longer truly gives a sh-t. Don't even ask me how many female clients in their 30s and 40s that I've had, over the decades, who have said, "I just want a guy who actually gives a sh-t."

Further, one of the things I talk about in the book is The Power of the Second Question. As a person who is encountering many, many people every day, the simplest and quickest way I have found to discern whether I want to invest more time in someone is what they do after they ask the question we all ask, "How're you doing, today?" I'm not even looking to see if they listen to my answer, per se. I'm looking to see whether the next thing out of their mouth is a statement or a question. That's it. 

One of my relatives once said, "Sven, I only listen to someone 'til I think of what I want to say next." That's it. That's the precise person I'm going to walk away from, or at least not invest in. I'm looking for the person who says, "I listen and I am always thinking about what I want to ASK next."

See, statements are me talking. Questions are you talking. If I'm speaking in statements, most of the time, I'm keeping the spotlight on me. I'm conveying that I give a sh-t about me. However, if I'm speaking in questions, I'm consistently turning the spotlight onto you, conveying to you that I actually give a sh-t about what you are saying and, most importantly, who you are.

If a new acquaintance or even an old business partner doesn't follow-up with a second question, I pull back. For, this person is fundamentally conveying to me that they have an agenda that supersedes me. They're conveying that they don't, ultimately, give a sh-t about me. We're all trained to say hello and asking someone how they're doing. But the best are trained, usually by themselves, to stop a minute and give this new person a bit of attention and time. The best of the best are forever extracting themselves from the center of the universe and are putting others there. As one of the great spiritual masters once said, 'Love your neighbor as yourself. Give a sh-t about someone other than yourself.' In other words, put your neighbor in the prime spot, the spot you most love to be: the center of the universe.

But see, that takes discipline, doesn't it? It takes self-control. It takes FOCUS. To be fully focused on the task at hand -- this person that is in front of you, right now -- demands closing yourself off from the multitude of distractions running through your head, no matter how important they may be. 

I discovered this, first-hand, a long time ago, while working my way through graduate school/seminary. I had to wait tables and tend bar for years. And one of the simple truths is that if you're not focused on the table and diners in front of you, you WILL screw up. You will forget a command on an order. You will serve the steak med-well instead of med-rare. You will serve a perfect Martini instead of a perfect Manhattan. It's no different in sports. If on third down, you're still thinking about the mistake you made on second down, you're far more likely to screw up, again. If my collegiate athletes had their head in the stands, it told me they didn't have their head in the game. Also, I could tell from across my weightroom who was lifting hard and who was jackin' around simply by looking at where their eyes were looking. If their eyes were looking around, they weren't working. Period. 

The ability to focus is one of the single greatest determinants of success in any venture. The ability to stop thinking about x when you're now confronted with y is a mark of true self-control and true drive to succeed and drive to win trust. 

See, the real biggie in all of this is not when you're on the hunt for new business, in a meeting with a client who is considering upping their investment, or engaging in business expansion, of some sort. 

Nah, the mack-daddy of all measures of focus is where is your head the minute you walk in the door and  your 11 year-old son wants to play catch or your 15 year-old daughter wants time with you to talk about her best friend Chloe, well former-best friend, because Chloe hasn't talked to me in three days, since she left me at the party and started talking to Justin, who I am soooo over but she shouldn't have talked to him instead of me......

You get the point. 

You want to know why you were in sports all those years?

You want to know why kids are forced to study math?

You want to know why you had to practice your cello for a half-hour every night when you were eight?

....Because Chloe matters more than your job. 

That's why.

Your daughter's former best friend, in the long scheme of things, matters infinitely more than your clients, believe it or not. Because your capacity to convey to your daughter that you give a sh-t about her WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU TO GIVE A SH-T ABOUT HER, not just on your timeline, determines whether she'll trust you with the even bigger stuff as it comes down the pike. 

Studying math, learning cello, and working out for sports demand that you tune out distractions and focus. Math (and other studies, obviously) teaches a kid to sit down and do the work, even when it ain't fun. Sit down and focus on the task at hand. And the greater your capacity to focus -- i.e. tune out distractions, regardless of previous or future importance -- the greater your success, because the greater will be your conveyance of the truth "I give a sh-t". 

We convey to those we love that we give a sh-t by following up with questions, not with statements, commands, or 'you should...'. We win trust, we daily win the sale, by questions. And not just questions but questions that convey the message, "I am present to you. I am listening. I am truly here....for YOU." And even if you can't fix the person (and as I conveyed in an article around Thanksgiving time, people rarely want to be fixed; they just want to be truly heard and understood!! Do you get that????), you are powerfully conveying that you genuinely give a sh-t and can be trusted. And that's gold.

You win the sale by being present. You win the sale by putting the spotlight on the other person with genuinely curious questions. I regularly tell people/clients, who ask how I can listen to people all day and not get worn out, that I love my work because I can listen to anyone all day IF I'M ALLOWED TO ASK THE QUESTIONS. The reasons I've had so much success in my practice and in my relationships is because I simply follow my natural curiosity. That's it. And my curiosity leans toward incongruencies and patterns. As I wrote in my last book, "People reveal their character in patterns. They reveal their secrets in anomalies. And both are driven by fear. Name the fear and you've named the person." But my point is that this person in front of you, this daughter/son, this wife/husband, this personal person now is more important than the business sh-t you have been fretting about  all day. 

So, perhaps the goal is work at work, and personal at home. Perhaps the goal isn't a rearranging of priorities, but staying focused. 

Have you lost your focus? What do you need to do to get your focus back? Additionally, what are the distractions most pulling you off your game and away from the sales that matter most? Do you have the courage to reduce certain distractions, on a daily basis, to continue to convey to your highest priorities that they matter. Who matters to you and who doesn't, in the big scheme of things? And do your actions -- does the commitment of your focus -- reflect your supposed values? For the truth is, if your delivery of your focus is not consistent with what you say your values are, then that tells me you ain't who you think you are? You aren't who you say you are? And you're likely afraid to admit that what you say are your values really aren't. So that begs the obvious question, When are you going to start being who  you really are, without the facade, and stop pretending to care about things you really don't care about? When will you start to live authentically?

 

A Little Extra

In the end, the success of your business and the success of your relationships and children is intimately tied to your selling to yourself, proving day in and day out that you actually give a sh-t about the only client or relationship going to the grave with you.

Now, in most cases, this is where the writer goes into telling how you need to get more exercise and eat right, blah blah blah. And, hey, if you want to forego chips and Oreos, I really can't change your obviously poor judgment.

I'm talking about something more significant than just diet and exercise. I'm talking about solitude. I'm talking about rest, not just sleep but rest, downtime, inactivity! There is no lasting peace without rest, quiet, and solitude. There is no calm in the soul without removal from others, removal from obligation, removal from that which pulls at your mind. There is no last peace without the courage to regularly turn your back on all that our society says you should never turn your back on: acquisition, success, family, kids. Yes, you read that right, even your kids....even after what I wrote above. To truly live in flow and in your greatest peace and power demands living in the stark juxtaposition of ever tending your highest priorities and ever walking away from them to tend your own soul.

This isn't just New Agey crapola. This is hard core business truth. The top fliers in any outfit are always those who both hear and heed the needs of their own spirit and soul. The most energized. The most people persons. The biggest earners, long term. Those with the biggest impact. All. Tend. Their. Soul.

But even greater, still, than solitude, rest, and quiet, even more important in that hearing and heeding one's own soul is the need to tune fully into that voice and have the courage to  be, say, do, and become all it is calling you to. 

And this is where the men get separated from the boys. For it takes significant and regular silence to hear one's own inner voice (as opposed to the voices of many who are trying to influence you or are still influencing you, 30 years later), and it takes profound -- profound! -- courage to be, say, do, and become all your soul is calling you to be, say, do, and become. It takes courage unlike any other to express your truth, to show the world (particularly those closest to you) who you really are. There is no greater fear in life than the fear of doing so. 

And the person not daily, yearly, giving a sh-t about his own soul and spirit is someone who, decades later, ends up way off course, immensely anxiety-ridden, immensely depressed, immensely dissatisfied, immensely neurotic, immensely numb, life falling apart all around him -- the decay emanating out from within him.

If you fail to sell to, and buy from, your own damn self, your life will fall apart, as sure as the sun rises in the east. There is no evading the calling of your own soul. If you do not regularly focus on the voice of your own deepest soul and ask it the second, third, and tenth questions of what it is really saying to you -- the REAL truth of who you are -- your life will fall apart. It's a matter of absolute fact, despite your most valiant efforts to hold it together. I make a very hearty living in Manhattan charging hearty rates to people who ostensibly have it all yet are a total trainwreck on the inside, because they have neglected their own voice their entire lives. 

And this is why I love working with young professionals and college kids. It's because I hear every one of my middle-age clients whispering to those kids, "Don't believe the hype. Tend your soul now when you're young. Ask yourself the questions now. Have the courage to stand up for your life, now! Trust that those will survive just fine in the long term, even if it upsets them in the short term."

So, do you hear your own deepest inner voice? Do you have the solitude to make such listening possible? Do  you have the courage to walk away from that which is not you? At what point in life does your inner peace become the subject of your focus? At what point do you start to ask yourself the second and tenth questions?

Are you truly living your truth?

I'd bet against it. I've been doing this stuff a long time. I'd be willing to bet that I could find areas of your life where you're totally neglecting the calling of your heart and soul. And I guarantee your happiness, peace, and fulfillment will increase in the long term, despite short term bumps in the road, if you were to finally begin to sell your life to yourself, finally begin to give a sh-t about who you really are.

Are you ready to finally move to a different level of joy, lasting peace, and true fulfillment?

How bad does the pain have to get before you are?

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Five Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After He Wrote The Very First Book On The Phenomenon. His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass (noted in Wikipedia 'spiritual but not religious'). He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com

Thanksgiving Thought: Don't Wear Out Your Welcome

 

As my parents age and slow down considerably, I have found myself thinking, more and more, about stuff they have said, over the years, that got stuck in my head. And, as I was laying in bed, early this morning, long before I needed to be awake for my weekly workout (yes, now I just workout once/week, for roughly 4.5 hours, so that I don't have to go to the gym at all, except that one day each week), one of my mom's maxims leaped into my otherwise generally empty head. 

It's one I've thought of before, numerous times, over the decades. Yet, it's one I found myself wondering, this morning, if she even deliberately meant to teach us, or if it just spilled out, at times. (In other words, did she have intent for this to become some grand truth embedded in the foundation of my life values, or was it a throw-away, off-handed thing that I just heard enough times that my impressionable mind formed into gospel? And that question alone begs the even larger issue: as a parent, be deliberate about what is coming out of your piehole, because you may mean it as little more than a throw-away comment, which you happen to state repeatedly, but junior may take it as Grand Life Wisdom, thus bending him or her in some direction that you really had no intent for him to go.)

Anyway, back on point, mom used to say, "Don't wear out your welcome." Of course, at 48, I now tuck that quite perfectly into the Swedish-Minnesota-Lutheran piety in which I long stewed that believes there are no greater crimes against humanity than A) Immodesty, and B) Imposing on anyone for anything, ever, for any reason whatsoever.

"Oh hi, Sven. Thanks for stopping by. Can I make you a cup of coffee?"

"No. Thanks, though."

"Are you sure, it's really no trouble."

-"So kind of you, but no thank you. I don't want to impose."

"Oh Sven, it's nothing. I was just putting on a fresh pot."

-"Oh, you're too kind, but no I don't want to trouble you."

"Sven, it's not a trouble, at all. I'd love to make you a cup."

-"Well, okay, if it'll make you feel better."

 

There is in the Swedish-Minnesotan psyche an unyielding fear of doing anything that in any way might disturb or disrupt someone else. And to be so selfish as to take or ask from another is unthinkable. So, naturally taking this concept to utterly illogical extremes (and quite divergent, I am sure, from anything remotely resembling its original intent), I've spent my entire life tap-dancing through conversations, not wanting to do anything that might even remotely seem like imposing my will on another person. (This, of course, would explain why I became a pastor and spiritual counselor....so that I could impose my will onto others with impunity, even telling them God wants them to do what I'm saying.) And, I think, for the most part, it has been a blessing that I've done so. Having grown up with five older siblings, there was never a shortage of people telling me what to do. So, of course, the last thing I've wanted is to make someone else feel the way I felt, in that regard.

Further, I've been adamant with myself in my adult decades, to generally give more time in conversation to the other person, as well as give more questions than statements -- that is, in asking questions, I try to offer the other person more of the spotlight in our conversation; where speaking in statements is a taking of the spotlight. In effect, I am most comfortable when the flow of energy is moving toward the other person from me, rather than from that person to me.

I've spent 48 years walking through life with this utter neurosis tumbling around inside my head, a dread fear of stepping on any toes, whatsoever. That thought is nothing short of laughable to those who know me, as I am regularly pushing and challenging people, and am rather tickled by doing so. But my days and nights are spent striving to be at least in the ballpark as gracious in spirit as both of my parents are, even as I gently needle people into new ways of considering something. 

In my parents and a few siblings, this fear of wearing out one's welcome in any way, whatsoever, morphed into a gentle, even sublime, graciousness of spirit -- a treading lightly -- that I treasure as one of life's two highest virtues (the other being grand courage). It is a trait I now actively seek out in people I desire to be close to.

Yet, as I lay in my recently dog-free bed (the mini-animals now relegated to the 'barn' -- a foamy former cat house [not THAT kind of cat house] -- just two feet from my side of the bed, so that we could sleep without being awakened every 45 minutes from a shifting animal and actually wake up refreshed in the morning), this early morning, I found myself feeling grateful not for this incessant fear of tarrying too long in someone else's physical and conversational space, but for having parents who taught me what they believed, both in their times of deliberate parenting and in their throw-away moments, not because I believe every last morsel that dripped from their mouths was deeply compelling and 'bedrock for life' sort of thing (though I've seen my consciousness slip more and more into this as they have been in their eighties and in slow movement toward spirit, away from form), but because it gave me something to ping against.

(Yes, btw, that was one very long, multi-claused sentence. Thank you for your patience as I waddled through it.)

It gave me something to hit against. It gave me hard rock to sling my sledgehammer against -- to shape the muscles of my mind and spirit, even as I beat myself against it and wrestled with it, over the years. 

It's not that I'm thankful for the mantra -- "Don't wear out your welcome, Sven", per se. Nor is it that I'm thankful for any of their other gems of wisdom, per se. I am, but that's not the point. I'm thankful for good mental and spiritual meat to chew on, over the years. I'm grateful for parents who gave me good sh-t to tangle with. For it's the fight that produces character. It's the failures. It's the not living up to their expectations, or even my own expectations, whether in the realm of giving more energy than I take, or in the realm of parenting, or what have you.

It's the fight, the tangling, with their values, both large and small, that has turned me into who I am and who I continue to morph into. And, if I'm really honest, the gift they gave was not the expectation that I would live their wisdom, live their truths, and be like them. (Granted, it's hard not to want to be like them, and hard to admit you're not always like them, when they're really such genuinely decent and gregarious people.) Nah, the real gift I received from them, which was really implicit in all they taught me and the way they raised me (and I concede my siblings might have had a very different experience, of which I'm not aware) was actually not along the lines of a wise saying, but a question.

Oddly, and seemingly out of left field.....

...implicit in all they taught me,

all they modeled for us six, and

all they spent their years toiling at in ministry to God and people,

was the simple question,

"Sven, is it possible that your values are different from our values?"

 

The really frickin' odd thing about my parents, at least in their raising of me, was NOT that they expected me to do what I was told, follow their advice, and act in a way that best represented them or would make them proud..... but that they actually almost expected precisely the opposite.

(Btw, yes, I'm aware this really has nothing to do with the specific notion of wearing out one's welcome. But I was using that smaller truism as a doorway into this larger point.)

I mean, who the heck does that? Who raises their children with the expectation, even the encouragement to be whoever the heck they want to be. I mean, we all say it ("You can be whoever you want to be in life."), but how many parents really mean it? Too often, parenting is a vanity exercise -- the child exists to become an extension of the parent, a living embodiment of their teachings and values. And the child that doesn't become what mommy (and/or daddy) wants is felt by the parent to be a disappointment, or, worse, is told that he/she is a disappointment. 

Who raises a child to 'not be me', and not in some ironical way of "Oh, don't do what I did" but in a "You need to go be you and stop lurking around in the safety of being like us" way? What parent gives to the child the best they have with the very clear expectation that the child will take that best as tools in the toolbelt, rather than fences that must be lived inside?

It's not just that I was given hollow words of "Be whoever you want to be", only to have my real wants curtailed later with a "Are you sure you really want to do that?" Or, at a bit of a higher level, it's not that I was legitimately given the freedom to be whoever I wanted to be. I was, and am, actually expected to be whoever the hell I gotta be....in order to accomplish whatever the hell I was put on this earth to do. 

Dad used to say, "Everyone in the sixties said 'Do your own thing. Be free. Be different' but they were all doing the same 'different': sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll." (He, of course, understood that was a phase they each needed to go through. But what he was really getting at is that it's not enough to just be different.) The present-day equivalent would be every kid expressing their difference from societal expectations of 'be successful, fit in, work hard', but doing so by needing to self-identify with some psychological malady, just like seemingly every other kid in America, while shopping at Free People, getting a tattoo, rolling a joint, questioning their sexuality or gender fluidity, and dying their hair the same colors as every other different kid in America, all the while posting it on Instagram. Again, kids need to go through phases; I get it. But, my point is that the goal isn't to be different, but to find your true originality, that which is written on your soul, that only you can know, that no parent can see inside and articulate for you. 

 

The task is not to look outside you and around you for that which you can rebel against;

the goal and rigor is to look inside you to find that which you are not.

It is to examine, over years.

Then it is to stand with courage and say,

"Though I am certainly my parents, I am not my parents.

This is who I am. Now it is time to live it."

 

I know it wasn't always comfortable for them. In fact, I'm certain that at times I flat out embarrassed them, such as when my first book, Spiritual But Not Religious, came out. Such a title and book are commonplace today. But it was not only cutting-edge 16 years ago, it was just short of apostasy to that same Swedish-Minnesota-Lutheran piety of my then 72 year-old parents who had gratefully given their entire lives to serving the church. And if that wasn't enough to cause a few sleepless nights, surely my last book, just a few years ago, was -- I Steal Wives: A serial adulterer reveals the REAL reasons more and more 'happily married' women are cheating. A parent doesn't have to be any sort of living saint or clergyman to be found squirming at the news of that title affixed to their adult-child's work and life.

Yet, the expectation persisted: Sven, you have to have the courage to be who you are, and that demands the rigor of discerning how you are NOT like us. You have to find and follow YOUR path, even when it may look like utter failure or a misguided direction from our path.

What I find myself grateful for, this Thanksgiving, is not just the freedom to be different but the expectation to be so. But just as importantly, I am thankful for the expectation that I had to hammer out my life's values on my own. I'm grateful that my parents didn't wear out their welcome inside my head and inside my life, telling me what I should become and do and the choices I should make, but instead implicitly threw me into the pit and told me, "We've given you the tools, now you need to figure out who the hell you are. And you need to find and teach yourself new tools to help you do so. Only then will you be wise enough and strong enough to do what you've been put on this earth to do, whatever that may be."

 

 

 

What I'm grateful for is parents who didn't need me to coddle their own frail egos by becoming dittos of them, in any way whatsoever. What I'm grateful for is parents who didn't live unfulfilled lives, who then expected me to fulfill their dreams of med school, business success, or producing well-dressed, brag-worthy children of my own. What I'm grateful for is parents who lived their own damn lives, who believed in what they were doing, who gave their lives to giving back to humanity, AND who were very deliberate in their parenting (actually thinking about parenting, rather than simply doing what their parents had done).....AND who expected me to be a lion -- to find the lion within myself by having the deliberateness and guts to examine who they were and then discern who I am not....and eventually who I am.

What I'm grateful for is not just the freedom to be different, but the expectation to be myself. And I am only now in adulthood aware of how difficult it is for a parent to not wear out their welcome in a child's life, particularly in the teen-to-twenties time, but particularly to not wear out their welcome in a child's head. If there's anything I've learned from decades as a spiritual counselor, it's that the soul becomes infected when the parent is too long or too greatly inside the head of the son or daughter, even when the son or daughter has become an adult; actually, especially when the son or daughter has become an adult in their thirties or forties.

- Where are you wearing out your welcome?

- Who is wearing out their welcome in your head and soul?

- Are you being who you're supposed to be, just trying to be different, or actually being who the heck you were put on this earth to be?

- Do you have the strength of character to allow your children to not be you, to even embarrass you, or, perhaps worst of all, to live values inconsistent with who you really are?

- Are you capable of showing love (not just feeling it, but showing it) to your child, even when the person's values are not your own? Are you capable of showing love to your parent, even when the person's values are not your own? Are you capable of showing love in life, to anyone, even when the person's values are not your own?

- Whose mind do you need to step out of?

 

 

-- Sven Erlandson, MDiv, Is The Author Of Five Books, Including 'Badass Jesus: The Serious Athlete And A Life Of Noble Purpose' And 'I Steal Wives: A Serial Adulterer Reveals The REAL Reasons More And More Happily Married Women Are Cheating.' He Has Been Called The Father Of The Spiritual But Not Religious Movement, After His Seminal Book 'Spiritual But Not Religious' Came Out 15 Years Ago, Long Before The Phrase Became Part Of Common Parlance And Even Longer Before The Movement Hit Critical Mass. He Is Former Military, Clergy, And NCAA Head Coach For Strength And Conditioning; And Has A Global Counseling/Consulting Practice with offices In NYC, NJ, And Stamford, CT: BadassCounseling.Com