Jennifer Eckert's Blog, page 3

How to Write a Book – a Look Behind the Scenes

How do three people collaborate on a book?  We thought it would be fun to do an author Q&A so you can see how much we enjoyed working together on  Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey — and how we think alike!  Enjoy!

1. Why did you decide to write Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey ?

Jen:

Kelly, Katie and I have talked about writing a book for a while. As therapists working with children who have been adopted or are in foster care, we strive to help families communicate better and are always trying to think outside of the box to make this happen. We wanted to write a book from a child’s perspective that could explain to others what that child was feeling.

Kelly:

We thought it would be great for BPAR to have our own resource to give to clients. Most parents just want to know that their kids are okay. We’re hoping that Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey helps to normalize many of the common themes we see in adoption. We also hope it helps parents to know that if their kiddo isn’t okay and needs help, that’s okay too!

2. Why did you choose the approach and format that you did?

Katie:

In the early stages of creating this book, we knew we wanted to write from the child’s perspective.  We wanted to give the child a voice, since many times a child will engage in behaviors that will leave parents and other adults confused, when if you put on an adoption lens, it actually makes perfect sense.  We wanted to normalize what the child may be feeling as well as what the caregiver may be observing.  We wanted the book to feel approachable and strength-based, since this is how we operate at BPAR. 

Kelly:

I knew I wanted to create illustrations that would make the book kid friendly and adult friendly. I wanted it to feel warm and for readers to get attached to the characters. There are so many feelings involved in adoption – I guess we are hoping to really help the reader feel what the adoptee does! When I look for books (and yes I read books without pictures ) I always look for titles and covers that are appealing to me. So even if this book primarily speaks to adults, we hope the drawings are captivating enough that they make the adult want to pick it up and learn more.

Jen:

It was very important to us that the book was understandable to all ages. We wanted to use a format that a parent and a child could read together, yet we also wanted to be able to help educate parents and caregivers with additional information for each page. We linked the illustrated pages to the “Putting the Pieces Together” section at the back so we could offer related insights and resources for parents and caregivers who want to learn more.

3. What was it like to collaborate as three authors?

Katie:

As we brainstormed about how we wanted our book to look and feel, Kelly and I discovered the image we had in our minds happened to be inspired from the same place: a book that both of our mothers had shared with us as children, and is no longer in print, called Listening to the Littlest by Ruth Reardon. Our synchronicity was uplifting and motivating. We began by simply writing out topics that we wanted to include in the book; the topics were specifically geared towards common themes we notice in our therapeutic work with adoptive families. Once we had a thorough list, we wrote about each topic from the adopted child’s perspective, with the child’s voice.

Jen:

The most rewarding piece of working on this book is how we all thought alike as we considered how the book should look, how it can best be used, and what are the most important points it should address.

4. How is your book fresh and unique? What gap or need does your book fill?

Jen:

I think our book gives parents and caregivers a tool to open discussions about adoption, feelings and information about the child’s beginnings. I believe it is appropriate for all ages and even those who are not familiar with the world of adoption would get a good understanding of adoption after reading the book.

Katie:

Our book is unique because it normalizes and empowers children who are adopted.  Our book educates adults while reaching those who have been adopted in a respectful and caring way.

Kelly:

I don’t think there is a book like this out there. Parents don’t have a lot of time to read. They are tired. I think this will be an easy quick start guide to get them started thinking about their own situation.

Jen:

What I also like about the book is that you can pick it up later and something else will strike you or give you an “ah ha” moment.

5. What are readers saying about  Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey  so far?

Kelly:

Everyone I’ve shown it to has loved it. Colleagues talk about how helpful it will be for themselves and for clients. Kids — teens and younger — talk about how much they love the illustrations and how cute they are. People keep saying that I should be proud and that this is a very special and unique book.

Katie:

We have received great reactions so far.  People love the illustrations, especially Charlie’s teddy bear.  People also feel like they can resonate with Charlie, as he acknowledges feelings that can be hard to describe for many.  People have also shared how great the recommendations in the back of the book are, and how helpful they can see it being for parents.

Jen:

We have had many positive reactions about the book and its format. We hear that it is very user friendly, understandable, and normalizes how the child is feeling. My favorite: “It takes a complex subject and makes it understandable to all.”

***

Adoption Is a Lifelong Journey is available in paperback and ebook format on Amazon.com. Look out for the kindle edition coming soon!  BPAR devotes all proceeds to its mission to support and provide resources to anyone touched by adoption.

The post How to Write a Book – a Look Behind the Scenes appeared first on Boston Post Adoption Resources.

Why You Need to Watch Elf with Your Child this Holiday Season

Watching Elf together as a family provides a wonderful opportunity to open up a discussion around adoption.  Elf is a playful adoption-themed movie, and it can ease some of the seriousness or anxiety around a subject that can be difficult or challenging for some kids and adults.

Elf, staring Will Farrell, is a Christmas movie about adoption and reunions. Buddy is a charming young adult elf who grows up on the North Pole.  As he gets older, he realizes he is different from the other elves and begins to question his identity.  Buddy discovers that he is adopted and, like many adoptees, he feels compelled to search for information about his birth family.  Sadly, Buddy learns that his birth mother has died.

Buddy decides to look for his birth father, Walter, who lives and works in New York City.  Once he arrives in Manhattan, Buddy is again faced with being different and not fitting in.  He wears his elf clothing and is mistaken for an actor working at a department store. We watch Buddy navigate two worlds as he concludes he doesn’t fit into either one.  This can be a common feeling among adoptees.

After a painful initial reunion with Walter, Buddy continues to pursue a relationship with him.  We watch Buddy struggle to connect to Walter and try his best to be the good son that Buddy imagines Walter wants.  After many miscommunications and awkward moments, Buddy is able to bond with Walter, Walters’s wife and their young son.

Buddy, through his unwavering belief and resiliency, discovers he has a family that truly wants and cares about him.

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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Movie Review – Manchester by the Sea

One movie not to be missed this season is Manchester by the Sea by Kenneth Lonergan.  I have so much to say about this film, but I do not want to title this review, “Spoiler Alert,” and give away too much information.

Manchester by the Sea touches on, among many themes, adoption and fostering.  After his brother Joe dies suddenly, Lee Chandler, played by Casey Affleck, finds himself the legal guardian of Patrick, his 16-year old nephew.   Lee must move back to his hometown of Manchester by the Sea to care for Patrick. Lee is haunted by a heavy past that he carries with him. Arriving back home triggers intense feelings and complicates his life further. Lee is isolated and self-punishing, depriving himself of anything more than basic needs.

Patrick’s mother left him as a child to deal with her substance abuse issues. She steps in briefly but is still incapable of parenting. Patrick, despite his loss of immediate family, is resilient and is able to cope with what life has dealt him.

Manchester By the Sea reminds us of the complexities of life and how hard it can be to move forward when grief, sadness and loss continue to be so raw. Michelle Williams, who plays Lee’s ex- wife, brilliantly lets the audience feel the pain, tenderness and love in their intricate relationship.

What makes this movie one-of-a-kind and incredible is Lonergan’s ability to convey humor in the face of so much hardship. Snippets of comedy sneak in throughout the movie, and the balance is perfect.

I left the movie with a heavy heart, yet was able to see hope and resilience.  Do not miss Manchester by the Sea.  Do not forget Kleenex.

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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Father’s Day

Many adoptees or children in foster care may be thinking about Father’s Day this week. Ads for cards, gifts and activities centered on Father’s Day are a constant reminder. For some it is their biological or birth father. This may be a time for them to try and make sense of exactly what Father’s Day represents for them. It can trigger many thoughts and emotions without a safe outlet to explore them.

Adoptees or children in foster care may have some information about their birth mothers and why they were placed for adoption. However, many do not have any information about their birth fathers. They may have questions such as:  Does he know I exist? Does he ever think about me? Does he love me? Will I ever meet him? Do I look like him? Am I like him? Was he good at sports? Was he musical? What is he like? These are all normal and very appropriate questions.

How can you help your child or loved one with this? Simply acknowledge what they are feeling and thinking. Listen in a non-judgmental way. Try and put yourself in their shoes. Should your child express anger or sadness, let them know you understand and that it is ok to have these feelings. Ask your child to tell you more as well as what would they like you to do to help them?

It is important that on this day you recognize their loss and be there with them as they work through these complex emotions. A simple lighting of a candle to acknowledge them can be comforting. Writing a poem, letter or short story can help to express the feelings and emotions that this day is triggering. Again, ask them “What can we do today to honor your birth father?” There is a chance they might have an idea that will bring some comfort and safety to this holiday.

This Father’s Day we honor all fathers!

 

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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Why Connecting to Others is Vital to our Health and Happiness

One of the most important areas of our lives is human connection. Without human connection our lives are simply unsatisfying and may feel empty. When we are not connecting on a regular basis with others it can lead to loneliness, isolation, depression and illness.

Our lives are busier than ever. Many of us feel overwhelmed and stressed due to the demands that we face on a daily basis. Often we are so busy getting things done that we can overlook one of life’s most important gifts: connecting with others.

Make time to connect with others a priority on a daily basis. Review your day and see where you can fit in more time to relate to others. For example calling or emailing a friend before work can make all the difference in starting your day on a positive note. Taking a break at lunchtime to connect with co-workers not only affects your mood but can also lead to a more productive workday. Getting to know your colleagues will help to build a more effective team as well as promote creative ideas.

Leave a note for a colleague or a friend or family member letting them know how much you appreciated something that they did for you. Or give them a compliment. Acknowledging others can change their day and yours too.

In the evening, sit with your spouse, partner or child and without any distractions ask them how their day was. Listen to what they say. If he or she has had difficult or challenging day, talking about it can help to release some of the stress around it. Feeling understood and cared about can turn a mood around from negative to positive.

Challenge yourself to make 3 meaningful connections a day. Do this for a week and look back at your connections at the end of 7 days. You can even keep a log of the connections that you made over the past week. Your weekly review can have a positive impact on the way you view your life. Feeling the closeness of others most often results in a happier and more fulfilling life.

Connecting is one of the most valuable tools we have. Do you want more tools to improve connections and making friends? There are many books, websites and audio programs that can help you to improve the quality of connecting and build stronger relationships. There are social skills groups on line or through mental health professionals. Taking a step to improve your relationships will result in building skills that will be used for a lifetime.

 

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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Mother’s Day

Many of us look forward to celebrating Mother’s Day. This special day is dedicated to honoring mothers and caregivers in our country. However, it can be complicated for the adoptee or child in foster care. Mother’s day is a time when adoptees and children in foster care think about not only their adoptive mothers, foster mothers or caregivers, but their birth mothers too. At BPAR, we notice that many of our clients struggle and can be conflicted about this day.

Mother’s Day for the adoptee or child in foster care can be complicated. Some of the emotions around Mother’s day can be expressed with hyperactivity, feelings of grief and loss and well as anxiety. It is a time when many are trying to make sense of their adoption or foster care story. It can trigger sadness and confusion as well as bring up the endless questions that adoptees have around birth families and how they came to be.

We are with you on this journey and recommend the following tips during this time:

Normalize– Let your children know that what they are thinking and feeling is normal and O.K. It is the day that we honor all mothers. Many adoptees can feel divided loyalty and worry that it is not possible to love both birth and adoptive parents at the same time. They may express anger or have guilt around caring for both mothers. Help to remind them that there is enough room in their hearts for both. And that they do not have to choose. Let them know that they are safe expressing their feelings about this complicated issue.

Rituals- For some adoptees or children in foster care, it is important to honor their birth mother with a tradition or a ritual. There are many ways that you can acknowledge and honor her. This can be done by lighting a candle, visiting a grave,  or writing a poem, prayer or a letter and sending it up in a balloon. It can also be kept in a journal as part of a memory book. Ask your child how they would like to show respect her on this day.

Predictability– honoring your child’s needs. If you notice that your child is struggling around this day, or on this day, accept that. Know that it is their way of expressing themselves and they need a safe place to be able to do it. By creating a space to allow them to feel their emotions you are showing them that you care about how they feel. If your child choses not to celebrate this day with you, understand the pain they are in. Ask your child what he or she needs from you. Remember that intense emotions are about loss and grief and acknowledging this loss can help ease the pain that your child may be feeling.

Happy Mother’s day to all mothers and caregivers!

 

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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5 Ways to Help your Adopted Child Transition to a New School Year

Saying good-bye to the summer is hard for all of us! Packed with cookouts, visitors, road trips, camps, beach days and play dates galore, leaving the beach and the relaxed days of warm weather is not easy. These lazy summer weekends and vacations will all soon be a memory.

New starts can be difficult for even the most resilient people. Meeting new people, new friends and new schedules can at times feel overwhelming. Knowing where your locker is or trying to remember the combinations can be a challenge for even the the most organized.

We have 5 ways that you can help your child ease into the school year in a positive and stress-free way.

Maintain a calming presence. This means parents and caregivers. Children will most often take your lead. If your child knows that you are calm and positive they will be too. Make sure you are organized and have a plan to manage your own anxiety and sadness if it comes up. Remember it can be just as hard for the parent to say goodbye too!


Help kids explore their worries. Talk about what the new school year will look like for your child. Ask questions of them such as “are you thinking about your new teacher and class?” Ask open ended questions which will spark a conversation and allow you to see how your child is feeling about the start of a new school year. For children who have a difficult time expressing their emotions, use feelings cards, play and books as a catalyst for conversations.


Review new routine. Children feel more safe and confident when they know what to expect. You could take a trip to the school so that your child is familiar with the space, attend any orientations or have a poster or calendar up on the wall of a daily or weekly schedule (activities, dinner time, homework time, etc.). You can also help build excitement by investing in something new for the school year (i.e. backpack, crayons, etc.).


Get back to a sleep schedule. The summer is a beautiful and special time filled with late nights watching the stars or making s’mores by the fire, which means that sleep schedules get shifted. With the start of school it’s important for kids to get back on track with going to bed early so they can get enough sleep.


Make a plan for what you both need to say goodbye. It can be very difficult for kids to separate from their parents but it is an important step for them to take. If your child is anxious about separating help them figure out what they need to say goodbye. Perhaps you have a special handshake or a memento they can take with them to look at throughout the day and be reminded of you. You can practice doing this at home ahead of time. Try not to linger too long with the goodbye, as it will make it more difficult for the both of you.

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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Feelings Cards: A Great Tool For Kids and Families!

Feelings are a very important part of being human. They help us make sense of our selves and the world around us. Having the right tools and words to express our selves is vital to healthy relationships. Studies have proven that expressing feelings can reduce anxiety, depression and build self-esteem. Learning how to express feelings can be difficult, especially for children. Some lack the vocabulary, some are unsure of how they are feeling and some can just be shy about expressing themselves.

A great way to help children learn about feelings is to make “Feelings Cards”. All you need are a pack of index cards and a pen or marker! Write a feeling on one side of the card – feel free to get as creative as you want (i.e. draw a picture that matches the feeling, use colors that match the feeling or write out other words that are similar to the feeling). Each day as children learn or remember more feelings, they can continue to make new cards. Setting aside a time each day to do this works best. Perhaps after dinner family members can add additional feelings cards to the deck.

Kids are like sponges – they learn by watching and soaking up everything they hear and see. Pick a time of day where you can sit down together and have each family member share a high and low of the day and a feeling card that matches the event. For example: “ I felt happy and relieved that I got an A on the math test that I studied hard for” or “ School is ending and I am feeling sad and overwhelmed about saying good bye to my teachers and friends.”

Another way to use the cards is by playing feeling cards charades. Have your child pick a card and act out the feeling from the card. You could also have teams and tell a story based on the feelings cards chosen. Feel free to add drawings of the feelings to mix it up!

Encourage children to make up their own games with the cards or make one up with your child. Feel overwhelmed by all of this? No worries! Feelings Cards are also sold online on Amazon or educational games sites.

Written by Jennifer Eckert, LICSW

Boston Post Adoption Resources

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