Jeremy Mifsud's Blog

Announcing my new website: MifsudVerse

Hey all, I know I have not been very active in the past couple of years, but that is about to change. I am shutting down this blog page for PoetryByJeremy, and instead launching my new site, MifsudVerse.

I also have created new social media accounts with the new handle, so if you have followed me online, make sure to look for me again at MifsudVerse.

The full announcement of why and what is about to change can be found in my new website, link below:

Welcome to MifsudVerse: Re-introducing Jeremy

A Poet’s Self-Exploration: The Use of AI as an Editing Companion

I invite you to keep an open mind as I take you on this transformative poetic journey.

My neurodivergence empowers me in forging my own path. I embrace my strong sense of identity. Picture the way I eat a pizza: holding it whole in my hands (not sliced), taking bites of the crust, rotating it, and continuing to make my way inwards, spiraling until I reach the centre.

To me, social conventions are often dotted lines that you can follow or you can walk out of. And that comes to my writing journey; crafting my own path that was not defined by anyone else. What I have discovered to aid me is the use of AI; I know it’s controversial and even admitting holds a huge risk. Before you judge (because nothing is always bad or always good), let me share my story.

The Poem is Greater than the Sum of Its Verses

As an artist, I’ve always been captivated by the intricate details of each individual poem. It’s not the first time that I have spent hours debating the use of one word over another. Although attention to detail has its benefits, at times, I lost the essence of the full poem; where one verse works well on its own but lacks consistency and natural flow. At times, an obsession with one verse creates an inconsistency in verbs (e.g. past, then present, then past), in ways that break the poem.

By embracing AI as a companion on my artistic path, I have been able to paste my poetry in ChatGPT and get feedback. One of the primary uses is the identification of a few errors (such as inconsistencies with tenses), which does not happen that often, but it is always a life saviour when these were undetected by my eyes. The second use is for it to give a summary of the poem; what emotions it captivates; what are its recurring themes.

Theming and Categorisations

As an autistic individual, analytic structure plays a vital role in my understanding of the world. AI’s ability to extract patterns and connections resonates deeply with my compulsion for categorisations. Around 5 years ago, I created a custom windows explorer view for my documents, which includes the category, tags, word count, and status. Since then, I have kept all my poems (and short stories) meticulously curated. This can be seen in the following screenshot.

As my repertoire of poems grows, the challenge of categorisation evolves. How can I categorise the hundreds of poems tagged as Mental Health? How do I emerge themes out of them? How can I organise these into a manuscript? How do I refrain from using the same phrase in tens of poems?

That is where ChatGPT shines in being a companion. By crafting prompts, I can make it emerge recurring themes and classify a set of poems into sub-sections. By feeding it only a handful of poems, it was already able to cluster these in the following way:

The AI Controversy in Art

Now, I want to acknowledge that some may question the role of AI in the realm of art. And I understand that concern. But let me be clear—it’s not about utilising AI as a replacement for human creativity. In no way, shape, or form, am I asking AI to write poems for me. The creativity, inspiration, form and language is all created by myself.

Instead, it’s about recognizing the ways in which AI can complement my artistic journey and offer a sight from a different perspective. Think of the AI as a companion; in ways, like an editor or agent that is much more accessible in a literature world where most writers practically do not earn any money. AI has become my trusty companion, illuminating paths I might have missed and guiding me towards a more comprehensive understanding of my work.

Seeking a second point of view has always been beneficial. While connecting with fellow writers has its advantages, it can also be a double-edged sword. Subjectivity often clouds the feedback received. Whether it is biased by their own tastes or by their desire to not be disliked and receive feedback in return, finding a genuine human connection is not easy. This is an even bigger barrier to those of us who have social challenges and are not always able to read between the lines. Yes, it is quite ironic for a poet to say that, but when communicating, I place trust in the written words and hope for unambiguous communication.

My Own Kind of Writer

Thank you for reading this far and keeping an open mind. There might be publishers or editors that will point-blank refuse to work with writers who have used AI to assist them; and I am sure some readers will be lost on the way too.

However, there are many ways to be a legitimate writer, and as an artist, I want to have as much control and independence in my journey. At the end of the day, I write and edit for myself, my emotions, and my own sense of achievement; so I have to ignore the dotted lines and trod my own path.

Returning to the Writing World: A Personal Journey

Jeremy has resuscitated! Yes, it has been a while since I actively posted here or published poems, so I wanted to talk about the past few years and the upcoming future.

Disconnection and Burnout

Around late 2019 and early 2020, I reached a breaking point. Everything happened at once: break-up, thesis, new job, the pandemic. It was a lot of change in a short period of time.

The amount of time I used to spend writing, editing and submitting my poems was no longer feasible and was taken an emotional and physical toll. This was exacerbated by the topic of my poems, which pertained to exploring traumatic events and my self-identity, both as queer and autistic. I reached a point where I shut down and no words could flow without breaking me.

Inevitably, I had to take a break. I was not ready to share that with the world, except in small glimpses. As I have rekindled my connection with writing, here I am again.

What Have I Been Up to?

One of my biggest achievements is I have found a job that I am happy doing, and have been doing for over 3 years. It’s been a continuous sense of pride, particularly when I published an article, The Disparity of Paid Sick Leave Entitlement, on our biggest local news paper.

My outlet for creativity was substituted to Youtube content creation. My channel, which primarily revolves around gameplay of monster taming games, has amassed over 100,000 views and has 400 subscribers. This is a huge achievement as I have grown so much along the way, particularly with becoming more confident when speaking (which helps me in real life too), and having learnt an incredible amount about video editing and visually appealing thumbnails.

Meanwhile, I still continued to write poetry here and there, despite rarely publishing anything publicly. Part of the challenge is directing the writing as a source of therapy, and spending much less time researching literary magazines who will take 6 months for a <1% acceptance rate for no pay. And I don’t say this as an attack to journals; editors spend a lot of time and resources to make poetry as accessible as they can, and are often underfunded themselves. That said, the submission process is more harmful to me, than it could provide benefits.

Why Am I Back?

Since I have not published much of anything, my visibility has died out. The biggest drawback from that is the connection I had with other writers and editors, which I do miss. The interaction on social media has become too superficial, and I miss any form of genuine connection.

For that reason, I thought I will start writing posts, like this one, to keep people updated. To hold myself accountable. But mostly, to be human. I want to expose my human self and be vulnerable. I don’t care about the being published or getting recognition (although that is always a positive feeling). Because of my stories, I am sure I will be able to connect with at least one reader and make an impact in their life, and that will be enough for me.

What’s Next?

That doesn’t mean I will stop attempting to get published. This year, two of my poems will be published in Kitba Queer’s anthology. This is one of my most rewarding contributions as it I will be part of the local queer poetry, especially during the year that Europride will occur in Malta!

Moreover, I have multiple manuscripts that are almost finished and could be submitted at any point. Due to my experiences in the past, I will be more inclined to self-publish. I don’t need to burnout myself by fitting in other people’s rules; instead, I will carve my own path. And that’s the right choice for me, because I do not need my writing to be my career, it is a passion that I like doing. I will be able to tell my stories of queer love, finding my autistic identity, surviving trauma, at my own pace and liking.

I thank everyone who has supported in my life, particularly my friends, and those few people who have missed our connection and reached out when they felt I was missing. It was not expected of you to do so, but you did, and that is greatly appreciated!

What About Their Voice?

Give a voice to the unborn
just to snatch it once it leaves the womb.

A voice that is misdiagnosed
when it wails in suffering.

A voice that is silenced
when it shouts no to a rapist.

A voice that is ignored
when it screams for help from the police.

A voice that is punished
when it demands an abortion. A voice that cannot produce sound.

Things You Casually Hear on a Bus

Kont intiha daqqtejn bil-basket
u intajjarah ġol-ħajt

I would’ve hit her with my purse
and thrown her into the wall.

Finding Inspiration As a Writer

Base Image by Tara Winstead

Finding Inspiration

As a creator, your art depends on you having inspiration. Unlike certain jobs, you cannot just clock in, do your tasks, and clock out. Writing, similar to other forms of content creation, requires inspiration and motivation, in addition to time and energy.

How does one go about in finding inspiration? There are many sources which I personally take inspiration from, and it varies from whether I am writing a poem, a story or an online post. I will share from where you could find inspiration, mostly based on my personal experiences

1. Daily Life

Daily life can often be seen as dull and mundane, but artists have an incredible talent at looking around them and seeing the details that are not always obvious. If you’re waiting for a bus, what are the thoughts of the other people around you? What are their motivations? By observing someone’s actions, you can get a sense of their state. For instance, a teen with a backpack, constantly looking at their watch. Does that mean they will be late? Is it morning and they are going to school? The people around you all have deep thoughts and a story, so feel free to make up one yourself for them.

Passengers in a train station. Photo by Elena Saharova

An even easier inspiration is if the people around you are conversing in a way in which you can (in a non-creepy way) overhear. Between what is experiences, and the assumptions and character you add in your head, you can create characters or a story. In From the Backseat of a Bus, I drew inspiration from various passengers on my regular trips on the bus. Whether it’s a teen girl saying it’s scary to be outside after 9pm, or a gentleman mistaking a woman for being pregnant, there were several events around me that captured my attention in ways that I wanted to write about them.

2. Emotional Experiences

An extension to our daily life is ourselves and how we feel. This can be either a reaction to events that happen around us as bystanders, but also our own experiences. I would classify emotions into two different ones: the surface emotions and the deeper ones.

Surface Emotions

By surface emotions, I refer to those that are easily identified and understood. When you are afraid of something or angry at someone, it is not too difficult to understand the basics of what caused this emotion and what you are feeling. Based on evolutionary traits as well as social experiences/values, a lot of fears may be shared by those around you. You can rely on readers understanding these, for instance anger towards a lover who cheats and lies, or fear of the dark. Actions that are reactions to the immediate surroundings are a good starting point to convey emotion, while creating a path to the deeper emotions.

Evident image of a claustrophobic guy. Photo by Mart production

Deeper Emotions

Most of our emotions run much deeper into our consciousness. What makes one person afraid of bees but not another? Why do some actions of a person make us angry, but these same actions are acceptable to everyone else? Our past experiences, perhaps unconsciously, shape a lot of how we perceive events. Life experiences, such as trauma, would often require us to consciously reflect on work on ourselves to understand them.

Not all emotions are negative; often, I find myself difficult to express joy and love in words, because they are so intangible and overwhelming. These emotions are motivations for our behaviour, so they are required (even if not directly written about). Personally, I find it much easier to project these emotions onto characters in stories, and then I let these characters navigate through similar situations in different contexts.

3. Dreams

In the history of psychology, certain fields of psychologists have often analysed dreams as a pivotal part of the unconscious psyche, knowing there are truths and important meanings in our dreams. This can be considered as part of the deeper emotions, but it can sometimes be much lighter and fun. Whole new worlds are formed in seconds, and they generally do not adhere to the same rules of our physical world. Those who are able to dream lucidly and have more control in their dreams may be able to use such imagination even better for worldbuilding.

I recommend writing your dreams in a dream journal (whether notebook or an app on any device) as soon as you wake up. Within time, you start improving the amount of detail you recall from your dreams, and this will help you find some hidden gems that you can weave into your writing.

4. Nature

We often speak about how nature is important for our mental health; and guess what? Our creations come from inside our minds. I know I am sounding cheesy. I am not the kind of person particularly enjoys time in nature, but there are several creators who do. Perhaps that is why in movies/shows, there is often a reference of the artist who goes on a “writers’ retreat”; a getaway where you take a break from your everyday life and spend time in quite with your thoughts and with nature, meditating and reflecting.

A thunderstorm on a city. Photo by Frank Cone

There is incredible beauty in nature, both in the aesthetic value, as well as the mechanics of how the world works; how animals evolved and how they behave; how the flora reflects the environment’s climate; the marvel of space and laws of physics. Taking time to observe the world around you can generate wonderous ideas. I mean, the ancient Greeks saw Lightning and they created Zeus – trust the creations of your mind!

4. Other Artists and Creations

We often her the phrase “imitation is a form of flattery.” I definitely agree with this; obviously, cautioning away from flat out plagiarising, taking inspiration is a natural path of an artist. One can take inspiration both from art of the same form (e.g. writer inspired from other writers), but it may also cross artforms (e.g. writer inspired by visual art)

Inspiration from the Same Artform

As a poet, I tend to take inspiration from both poets and novelists. Whilst reading poetry, I sometimes am stricken by a specific phrase or line, the visual format of the poem, or the whole poem and what it encompasses. One of the most impactful lines I have read is the Blythe Baird’s My Body is a Crime Scene — in this case, the line is also the title of the poem. When I read it, I knew that nobody could’ve described that experience better than those words. Another poem which I often re-read based is Cuddleslut by John Byrne; it is so relatable that I have used the phrase cuddleslut as a self-description. When a writer managers to convey the exact thing I am going through, it fills me with excitement and drive to try and convey that in my own writing.

Different Artform

One doesn’t necessarily have to look into similar artists for inspiration. Any form of art is to be admired and can be built upon. Movies, like The Matrix, may often pose existential and philosophical questions that I am sure have inspired thousands to explore similar life-questioning notions. The visual experiences in movies and series can also expand our experiences and knowledge — for instance, the idea of a White Christmas is something I have only learnt from movies and shows since I live in Malta, an island in which it never snows.

Other forms also provide a great source of inspiration. I often connect with the lyrics of the songs that I enjoy; which causes me to embody them emotionally. If Taylor or Adele are having a heartbreak album, I will be going through a heartbreak. And yes, that means I will also be writing about heartbreak. Plain and simple!

Listening to music. Photo by Burst

Most of my time is spent playing video games. There are different types of video games, and hence several forms of inspiration. Story-driven games, are in essence, written stories that have added artistic and cinematic elements. But games do not require to have a story to inspire. It can simply be the creation of a unique creature or type of magical abilities that can transport us into a new world, which opens up several possibilities for us. Keep your mind open. Whether its movies, games, music, visual art, architecture or any other form of artistry (even pastry perhaps), everything has a story to tell, and hence there is a new story that can emerge from your perspective.

5. News and Current Events

“Life imitates art” does not exclude that art also imitates life. Certain artforms, particularly those that intend to convey a political or social message (e.g. environmentalism), draw inspiration from current events. An impactful artpiece can take information available as facts and translate into an emotive piece that motivates the reader/viewer to expand their knowledge and adapt their beliefs and change their behaviour.

If your art is primarily fiction, often you may take real-life events, such as wars and riots, and translate them into the fictional world you have created. This can work well both for fiction that takes place in a fantasy/sci-fi realm, as well as for literary fiction that parallels our world and rules. A great example is the topic of conversion therapy, which unfortunately is still practiced in several countries. In The Crucifixion and Resurrection of Malachi the Queer, Damian Jay Clay takes us into a conversion camp, without shying away from the harsh and graphic realities it encompasses. The book had me crying throughout several chapters.

Closing Remark

Inspiration is everywhere, you just need to open your eyes. Whenever I experience a “writer’s block”, the true problem is not the lack of inspiration, but that I am overthinking and overediting my ideas before they have a chance to breathe.

An easy practice to do if you find yourself in this position is to use a journal to jot down notes, no matter what. Practice writing regardless of the outcome, even if you write a page knowing that you will throw it in the bin. Turn off that critic inside of you and just write, and I promise you, you will find an idea or a sentence that you will latch onto. Take that idea and harness it weave it into something beautiful.

My Own Voice: Not for Everyone, but Not for No One

My Own Voice. Basic Photo by Thirdman

Overcritical of My Writing

When I started taking poetry a bit more seriously, I first struggled with how my writing should look like. By default, I was looking at others’ work and comparing. My poetry felt very different, which I attributed to being inferior; which I no longer thing is the case. In my mind, there was an objective good, and I tried to apply that to something like writing, which in most of its essence, is subjective.

Although one may take inspiration from others to grow their art, what I ended up doing was taking out my voice. The question was no longer what do I want to say? but it became what do others want to hear? This question, at times, can be a useful critique while editing some works one may want to publish, but it was more harmful while writing, including the drafting stage. And it was basically impractical for me to think that way — writing is an activity I engage in for the sake of it, rather as a career or financial opportunity. So, how can I go about discovering my own voice?

Masking for Others

Perhaps before identifying the solution, one has to discover the root of the problem. In my case, I believe that a significant contribution of the problem lies in masking. Masking is a behaviour that a lot of us neurodivergent folk engage in to mask what we truly feel and instead portray it as something digestible to those around us. It is demanding and exhausting, but we have learned ways how to fit in because we are singled out and rejected for who we are.

Masking. Photo by Magda Ehlers

Ever since I was a child, I had learned to mould myself to what others expected of me. My learnt way of communication was primarily focused on what others deemed acceptable; thus, it is not incomprehensible that this translates to my writing.

Combined with the abundance of content, I fell into the trap of not listening to myself but trying to assimilate once again. To not be left out. To be one of the rest. Unfortunately, that is an unhappy state to be in for a while, I lost connection with my writing, even if I thought I should be proud of what I am writing.

Rediscovering my Own Voice

Taking a hiatus from publishing anything was very fruitful; in the instances where I wanted to write, I started writing for myself again. And I got to re-read some of my past work, and I fell in love again with writing as I saw my voice emerge once more in an ocean of words. In truth, I know that my first works are not masterpieces poetically, but emotionally they are raw and they are meaningful. So why should I feel negatively because they may not match up to the best writers out there? Why did I have to feel the need to move on from them and try to fit in?

In the past two years, I have focused mostly on writing and drafting pieces, rarely focusing on polishing a piece to perfection. I haven’t been at the state of wanting to consume my energy into refining something for the eyes of others. There’s a flaw in how I used to do that, and I need to find a new way. But in the meantime, I have rediscovered a way to express myself once more. I have become in tune with what my heart wants me to say, even if nobody else will listen.

Making Myself Heard

No voice is meant for everyone. In a world of billions of people, I cannot expect to be heard by masses, and that’s okay. Perhaps sometimes that is the battle with arts; we put so much time and effort into our works for them to be consumed so lightly by others that it almost feels meaningless. And perhaps I have come to terms with the fact that sometimes, my work is just going to be glanced over and that is it.

Getting Back to Writing. Photo by Min An

However, that is not an excuse to keep everything to myself. As I learnt from my recent Transformative experience of an Open Mic, there comes power in sharing. And under the right circumstances, if I am heard, I am also likely to be listened to. In reality, I have to let others decide if they want to listen – if they do and they love what I wrote, or if they were impacted, yes, that would bring me more satisfaction. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Running from rejection is not a good way to live.

I Belong Here, and so do You

The most painful thing we could do is to shut ourselves up. It can be draining and isolating to put your voice out there, only for it to dissipate in thin air as if you never were there. Yet, it is more destructive to not be heard because you do not try. It feels worse; despite being in control of not being heard, it does not kill away any insecurities.

I notice several parallels with my PTSD and the fact that trauma changed how I communicate and behave. It’s been a long journey in which I struggled to find my voice back. The scariest experiences were, that post-trauma, I shell myself — being in situations in which my mind has numerous thoughts but my body does not even attempt to communicate them, neither verbally nor non-verbally. You know the cliché that words are stuck in your throat? It wasn’t like that. It was more of a void where words were not even being created internally.

I don’t wanna ever fall back into that same mindset. I have been making an effort to make myself heard in many ways: this post; sharing my poetry; gaming livestreams and videos. And I wanna explore more avenues to mark my presence. At this point, I no longer not care if there is anyone out there that gets me. I deserve this space. I will own this space. I belong in this space. I belong in this world, and I will not be intimidated out of it.

LinksDownload free copy of From the Backseat of a BusOfficial Publications: Poetry by JeremyKo-Fi: PoetryByJeremyTwitter: @PoetryByJeremy

Book Review: The Happiness Hypothesis – Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom

The Happiness Hypothesis
by Jonathan Haidt

Choosing This Book

Following my resurgence after a self-imposed 15-month lockdown, I experienced an internal need to improve my life. I wouldn’t say I was unhappy, but I knew I could be better. And for a while, I had finished my studies and started working while postponing the question of what am I meant to do with my life? In a world of pandemic and uncertainties, it did not feel immediate. However, it is now time to dig deep and if possible, find an answer.

I’ve been always inclined to intellectual discussion, and although social interaction could provide that, an internal dialogue is something I engage in more willingly. Books are an optimal source of fuel for such dialogue. I sought some books on positive psychology, particularly to change my outlook on life, and The Happiness Hypothesis ended up seeming a perfect fit for what I wanted.

The Happiness Hypothesis

The full title of the book is The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, and is authored by Jonathan Haidt, a social and positive psychologist. Published in 2006, the book refers to Ten Great Ideas, with ancient wisdom taking from several sources, such as from Buddha or biblical passages. As the title suggests, the premise is to tackle common ancient wisdom, provide modern scientific proof and apply these to our current lives.

Does the book hold its promise? In all honesty, for something released in 2006, I would still say not completely. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great read. But perhaps, I was expecting the science and truths to not be primarily based on the early 1950-1970 psychology that most of us have already learnt about in schools or pretty much common videos online. It lacks the freshness, except for titbits of the author’s own experiences. This made the book, at times, boring.

However, it was not a let down. It was still an insightful book, and although most of the chapters did feel unnecessarily longer than they should’ve been, they do bridge the gap between ancient wisdom and modern life. Undeniably, science and early psychology may be too focused on hard truths, which is disassociated from actual life. The author manages to brige these two well enough.

Ultrasocial Humans

Perhaps one of my main mistakes looking into positive psychology and self-improvement is to assume it all relates to the self. The book does, in the beginning, tackle concepts like the negativity bias or the problem of evil. The more I delved into the book, the more insight how we belong in a society and how most of our feelings are in relation to others. There is a constant analysis of the play in the spectrum of humans as completely selfish to completely altruistic. Despite us not being as altruistic in the sense that ants or bees are in their colonies, we are far more group-oriented than a lot of us individualists like to think.

And this is not to say that our meaning in life or our happiness derives from helping others – far from it. However, there is a positive feeling, at least personally, when I do something that I enjoy but also feels productive. For instance, writing these book reviews or publishing poems – I enjoy the writing myself and in many ways, it is selfish. But if one person reads these and enjoys what I write, or takes some value, than I am also contributing to society in some form, which enhances my experience. Coincidentally, in my last post The Transformative Experience of an Open Mic, I spoke how I do not live in a social vacuum, and that attending an open mic perhaps felt incredible, to share my poems with others. Perhaps I can attribute the book to have pushed me into not being afraid of such social interactions.

So, What is Happiness?

I think, as you might expect, there is no straight answer to happiness. I am in a temporary happy state as I write this and I don’t have an urge to look for much change in my life. In the hedonic sense, which is based on neurological pleasure, a clear answer is to indulge in food and sex, and perhaps despite not being actual happiness, it is also important to not feel ashamed and not denying myself such pleasures.

The second lesson, which I do need to apply, is to focus more on love and productivity. I have been alienated from the rest of the world, and the sense of productivity I get from publishing content (whether writing or gaming livestream/videos) is fulfilling. By nature, these activities occur in a community, and perhaps the connection with others is what is the source of me feeling good. In the future, I look forward to engage more directly in the community, particularly with workshops and more open mics.

Final Review

Although not the most exciting read and nowhere near fresh as expected, the book still manages to provide insight that I have found motivating. Compared to when I started reading the book, I am already in a much better place (okay, it is not solely based on the book, but it did contribute). On that aspect, I would still recommend this read, although I would expect that there other books out there in the same field that might do this job better.

Article LinksGoodreads: The Happiness HypothesisPost Author LinksFree Book: From the Backseat of a BusKo-Fi: PoetryByJeremyAuthor Page: Poetry by JeremyTwitter: @PoetryByJeremy

The Transformative Experience of an Open Mic

Spooky Themed Open Mic

On a Friday before Halloween, I participated in a Queer Open Mic where we read short stories and poems under the Spooky theme. Although, the theme was open to encompass anything dark or grim, not necessarily horror. And this was only my second Open Mic event that I attended — the first was 3 or 4 years ago, in which I was a trembling, anxious mess.

In this event, I read out 7 of my (yet unpublished) poems which I wrote while processing a trauma. This poetry was extremely personal, and I should’ve been too nervous to share these. But there was something about the environment and the audience, a safe space that allowed me to read without any anxiety. For that, I am grateful for those that actively create queer safe spaces and all the audience and participants.

Outside a Social Vacuum

The open mic was an incredible experience. Yes, partly it’s the boost in self-confidence, in realising that I am able to read my poetry comfortably, regardless of how deep & personal the poems are. But there is more to it than that: the social aspect.

For so long, when I posted my poems online, the interaction has been minimal – hundreds of poems are posted every day for free for anyone to read. And I am not the only who experiences this; I have seen hundreds of talented poets get almost no interaction or recognition for their incredible work. There is a lack of human connection, which unfortunately separates the artist from the audience. There is a coldness to the web pages that display our texts (yes, ironically I am posting this online).

In contrast, having a live audience is innately a much warmer experience. As soon as the readings were over, I put an olive in my mouth & one of the other readers came to talk to me – while my tongue was playing around with the olive pit. It’s one of those things that in most scenarios, it would be awkward, but this time it was hilarious. An odd but grounded way to start a conversation, in which we discussed poetry and got to know each other briefly, before both of us had to leave.

Opening Doors to Future Events

Despite my original feelings of hesitations, I am proud that I disregarded my anxieties and attended the open mic. I would describe the overall experience as transformative. I have built new connections with other like-minded, queer writers. I have opened a door to myself to attend future open mics and workshops. One positive experience has made me eager and incredibly motivated to interact with other local writers, something I have always avoided.

And that motivation pours over into the personal motivation, with an additional reason to write and polish my poems. As I am inclined towards growth, I am re-engaging finally in writing and reading. This post is proof in itself, as it had been a while since I had the focus and motivation to sit down and write down my thoughts, and then share them.

Rediscovering the Balance between Privacy and Art

Artistic expression is inherently a personal expression, whether personal, political, or otherwise. In my case, poetry tends to be mostly reflective of real experiences I had. Due to this, when does poetry become too personal to share? In all honesty, I am still trying to discover that for myself. Writing without any inhibition is necessary, so I would not write for the audience, but primarily for the self. However, without sharing any of it, I find myself demotivated.

There are two healthy approaches that I am experimenting with. The first, is to share in safe spaces, like this open mic I participated in. And it’s all verbal and at best stored in our minds, but not anywhere accessible (unless you can read minds). The second, is to stray away from pure realism and allude to experiences that might or might not have happened. In this sense, I would express the emotions but not quite tell the exact story; which then, although trusted by the reader, also provides a thin protection for me as a person from others. Overall, it’s a quite tough balance to strike, but I look forward to use these experiences to motivate me to further engage in writing and related events.

Freewrite Poem: Mixed Signals

Today I decided to do The Single Weekend Freewrite Prompt, of which I chose Parking Ticket. This time around, I decided to write poetry, as it’s what I want to reconnect with the most and push myself more into. I wrote the poem in 5-minute freewrite without any edits.

Mixed Signals

I thought you wanted me as much as I wanted you.
My heart ran away from its home town
and sped through highways across the world
just to find yours,
hiding, not wanting to be found,
disconnected from any radar.

I’ve parked my love outside your childhood house
and waited for you, night & day.
You were never ready
but the warden did not care.
I got a parking ticket cause I stayed there too long
& the neighbours thought I was being creepy.

But you’re the one who asked me over,
dancing around with my feelings
but never ready to commit.

I’ve been here, waiting
for you to let me in. So,
shall I knock one last time?

Another nightfall is upon us
and I would like to sleep on a bed tonight.
I could find a cheap motel on my way back home,
somewhere were alone does not hurt
as much as being rejected –
or rather, played with.

See, I have no problem with rejection.
But I feel lied to – the way you made me believe
that you were my future,
the goal, the thing I need to survive.
I was set on you & I would still like to give you that chance.

Perhaps I am dousing my heart in more fuel
for you to burn it while it is alive & beating.
I knew you liked your food crispy-burnt,
but never knew you were a carnivore too.

LinksOfficial Publications: Poetry by JeremyGaming Twitch: PinkGeeRoughGaming Youtube: PinkGeeRoughTwitter: @PinkGeeRough & @PoetryByJeremy __ATA.cmd.push(function() { __ATA.initDynamicSlot({ id: 'atatags-26942-6072a00b18a3c', location: 120, formFactor: '001', label: { text: 'Advertisements', }, creative: { reportAd: { text: 'Report this ad', }, privacySettings: { text: 'Privacy', onClick: function() { window.__tcfapi && window.__tcfapi( 'showUi' ); }, } } }); });