L.T. Marshall's Blog, page 48
November 24, 2017
Introducing Kerry Watts, and her book 'The Devil's Apprentice'
I want to introduce you to another author friend of mine, and yup, another fellow Scot. I am starting to see a theme with these. Kerry and I actually met via our publisher, as we are both signed to the same one and hit it off pretty quickly. She has an awesome sense of humour and is a lovely lady with amazing talent. please take a moment to read about her and visit her new book.
November 23, 2017
Arrick Carrero's POV - Breaking up with Natasha.
Lovers of my books The Carrero Series will love this brand new bonus scene.
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOVJust Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Please note - there is swearing and sexual references, this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
Arrick Carrero's POV
The Carrero Heart book 1 - After Sophie and he part ways, breaking up with Natasha
Sitting on my couch, leaning forward with elbows propped on my knees, I stare at my cell for the millionth time and scroll to Sophie’s name on the list. Last call was twenty-eight days ago…twenty-eight long days of hell, silence, and lack of Sophie. Twenty-eight days; the last time I felt anything but the constant absence and heavy pit in my stomach, from her just disappearing in every single way and leaving a gaping silent space in my life.
I’m missing her like crazy, keeping her last texts messages because it’s all I have left of her. I scroll to the very last one, again. It’s a nothing text; I don’t even remember what it was in response too, as it’s not connected to the conversation before it. Just one single text, one that sums her up in so very few words and I stare at it as my chest heaves with that same ingrained weight that I feel daily.
You’re lame, badboy xxx
I stare at her smiling face, I saved as her contact image, and it has the same effect that it has every time I do this to myself. Like a gut punch from something sharp. Dull, yet piercing. She has no idea how much this hurts. I never knew I could miss someone with the depths of agony that I miss her. That missing someone could make every part of you ache, like a toothache you cannot relieve, no matter what you do.
I trawl my cell almost daily, for the snippets of video on my phone that have her in them, for the signs of her in my life, our past life. It’s all I have since she disappeared on all my social media; she either removed her accounts, or blocked me on every single one, I know because I have searched for her. All the pictures she had tagged me in are gone too. It’s like she just wiped out every connection in one fell swoop. Cut me off and severed me, like I deserve.
I stare at that smiling, once happy face. Taken on a trip, a couple years back. Perfection in a picture. That almost love heart shaped face, framed in natural honey blonde hair, big tropical blue eyes and the devastating mouth of a born seductress. Pouted soft pink lips, natural blushed cheeks and flawless complexion. Sophie could have been a model in another lifetime, if she had a start with the Huntsbergers long ago, and never developed the fear of men she has now. She’s beautiful enough. I don’t have a single bad picture of her in my cell, every one as photogenically flawless as the previous. She never really acted like she knew she was gorgeous, I don’t think she ever saw it and it only made me love her all the more.
I know it’s not right, to sit and stare at her face anytime I’m alone, to try and find pieces of her I can draw back to me. Natasha is clinging to me, trying so hard to make this work. But my heart walked out that door four weeks ago, and never looked back. I didn’t know what I had until I didn’t have her anymore.
It kills me inside.
I dream about her, I think about every day, yet I know I lost all of it. She was more than just my best friend, she was ingrained on my soul, so that severing every tie has torn me apart. I never knew how much I needed her in my life, never saw how emotionally invested I was in her, until she left. Except I made her go, didn’t’ I? This was my choice. My doing; so I only have myself to blame.
She told Jake that she doesn’t want to hear from me, I keep telling myself to give her time. I thought I knew what I needed to do, to fix this whole mess. I figured in time we could sort this out, but all time has shown me, is that I stayed behind with the wrong girl. Sophie took more than just her things from my life, she took the sun, the happiness, and the sense of purpose with her. Since she walked away, I just feel like I don’t care about anything anymore.
My phone buzzes and Natasha’s name pops up at the top of the screen, above Sophie's smiling face. I have to drag my eyes from her to look, and it takes a moment longer than it should.
Almost there, are we going out to eat? xXx
I feel that same weight of duty and guilt come over me, it always drags me back to this. The fact I am still here, still doing this, and trying to make amends. I sigh as my thumb hovers over the home key on my cell, the one which will tuck her face out of sight again, so I can respond to Tasha. I linger, looking at her and feel that same weight hit me in the heart, it happens so many times a day that I should be used to it, but I swear it gets worse every day.
Every blonde girl I see, every dumb unicorn or fast food vendor. Every cheesy pop song, old movie or lame girly cartoon. I just see her. Everywhere. Like my own personal torment. It never feels any better.
Sure x
I reply, with zero enthusiasm. I know I am just going through the motions with Natasha. I don’t even know why anymore.
I throw my cell on the coffee table and slump back. I can’t bring myself to kiss her, let alone sleep with her and we seem to just be skirting around one another all the time. Polite, weird, strained atmosphere. She is the one who is trying so hard to be together again, when it should be me. I’m the one who fucked it all up, I’m the one who betrayed her, yet I just can’t find it in me to try.
Staring at the ceiling for a minute, I know I should go get changed. I’m still in my sweats from training, but I don’t care. I can’t be bothered getting up and showering, can’t really face going out to eat either. Nate has been busting my ass the last few weeks, over how off focus my game is and my trainer managed to punch me square in the jaw today, because I let my guard down. A rookie mistake, one I never make, but my head isn’t on fighting anymore. Nothing seems to get my head back on task anymore. Maybe I just need a break, and time, to do absolutely nothing. A trip skiing, or maybe just on my dad’s yacht. Thing is … every trip I have ever enjoyed, also has memories of her.
I sit up and grab the remote, in a bid to push her out of my head, and stop torturing myself over this. I made my choice and I need to man up and live with the consequences. It will get better, it will pass. Sophie is still there, just out of reach, but I’ll get her back…. She loves me as much as I love her, we are like two magnets who are always drawn back to one another, and if I can just fix all of this first, she will come around too. I’m just wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, because I miss her. I just need to think beyond this, when feelings are less bruised, and people are more open to building bridges. I can’t give up on the hope that I will see her again.
I hit the button on the remote and the last paused movie is still on screen. I never watch movies anymore. The last few weeks I have kept myself busy almost constantly, so that I can come home and crash and sleep away the hours, before I do it all again.
I blink at the screen as I try to work out what it is, pressing play so that it comes to life in a burst of colour.
It’s Sophie’s favourite movie, paused from when she was sat here watching it. I can almost picture her next to me, doe eyed at the cartoon unicorn on screen and sobbing her eyes out when she finds her family in the sea. Clinging to me, in a bid to relieve her upset and stealing the popcorn from my lap as she snuggled herself against me. I know every detail of this movie, she has watched it so many times that is imprinted on my brain for an eternity.
I stare at the screen and it just hits me with the weight of a thunder bolt. My heart constricting painfully as I stare at the dumb white horse in front of me.
Nothing will ever be like it was, Sophie will never sit here with me again, and watch this movie. Ever.
Even if I manage to salvage a friendship, Natasha doesn’t want me to know her anymore. I betrayed her with Sophie, she would never want her near me again. She has all but begged me to promise to never go back to how it was with Soph’s. I couldn’t, I can’t promise that. It goes against everything in me, but even I know how callous it would be to do that to Tasha.
Sophie is all I want. If I could have her here right now, beside me, watching this dumb movie and eating junk food then I would… over Natasha coming, over everything. I just miss her that much.
I chose the wrong girl.
I stare at the screen, numbing out the noises and images and just become so consumed with the fact that this isn’t temporary. This isn’t something that will end, and we can pick up the pieces. This was a choice of one or the other. Of never being with Sophie ever again, and it strangles me with the force of a steel grip.
I never saw it that way at the time, I kept telling myself it was a means to an end. I never really thought that one choice, one moment of doing the right thing would be an end to her…and me….. That I would never be a part of her life ever again. That I would lose every single one of those moments we shared. Innocent moments, movies, jokes, smiles… her smile. It rips me open like I am just a piece of paper and emotion hits me in the throat. It really feels like someone just switched on a light and illuminated the flaws in my plan, in the most stupendous way.
I love Sophie. It kills me that I can love her this much and was stupid enough to give that up, to give her up. I don’t want Natasha, I want Sophie. If I’m being honest then I always have wanted her. It’s why I could never just ignore the two am cries for help. It’s part of my soul to be there for her to fall on, and no one is doing that for her now.
Who’s there for her when she needs a hug, when she needs someone to pick her up? No one, because I know her. She won’t let anyone close. I should be there. I am the one who was always meant to bandage her wounds, wipe away her tears. In the weeks that I haven’t, then who has? Who has been taking care of my girl?
It’s a pain worse than death to realise that I did this to her. That she’s been alone all this time, hating me, hurt by me, and yet knowing her. Suffering alone. She won’t turn to those she loves for support… that was always me. I was her rock. I didn’t just severe a friendship to save a relationship I feel obliged to be in. I let the girl who loves me and needs me, walk away to be alone, to suffer alone so I could save face. I let the girl I love go. And I do… I love her. I really love her.
Shit.
Staring at a white horse prancing around on screen, feeling the dampness hit my cheek as the realisation hits me that this is the problem right here. I didn’t let a girl I care about walk away. I pushed the girl I am crazy in love with, out the door. For someone I don’t.
I don’t love Natasha.
It’s guilt, it’s a sense of duty and loyalty. But it’s not love. I could never feel about Tasha the way I feel about Soph’s. Sophie makes me feel like I’m going crazy without her, she brings emotions out in me that no one else has ever been able too. Didn’t I learn anything when she cut me off once before?
I am so in love with her.
It hits me like a slap in the face.
I claw my cell back from the table, brain on auto pilot and mind just reacting. Panic searing through me at a rate of noughts.
I need to talk to her, I need to just hear her voice once, to tell her I am still here, that I love her. The way she loved me, if she even still does. I need to just end this agony for both of us. Want to know that she isn’t alone and dealing with shit by herself. I want to hug her more than anything right now. To feel her against me jut for a second, one more time. I want her to know that I will always still be only a call away.
Twenty-eight days is an eternity and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t leave her alone anymore. It kills me to think about it, to see her out there, standing on her own two feet. She wasn’t built to be alone, I can’t bear the thought of it.
I scroll until I find her number, the call from that day and hit the icon without questioning it anymore. Holding it to my ear as my hands begin to tremble and I have no clue what I even want to say to her. I only want to reach out to her.
It beeps three times and cuts off, I knew it would, it’s done it every time I tried in the past weeks, but there’s a part of me that hoped she would have unblocked my cell at some point. I try again and get the same noise, ripping my heart from my chest. Praying that there must be a way.
My emotion catches in my throat and I call Jake instead. He has her new apartment details in the city, he will know where she is, be able to call her. He can tell me how to get hold of her. I know he’s been seeing her, making sure all her bills are paid and I know she started school. I have had to curb the urge to go there so many times. I have tried to just give her space, tried to not bring her up in every conversation with him.
It rings, and he isn’t long to answer.
‘Hey, what’s up kiddo?’ Jake sounds tired, I can hear the kids in the background and know he’s at home. It’s late, almost eight pm.
‘I need to talk to her.’ I blurt out impulsively, emotion going haywire and my voice sounds gruff and shaky. I tale a slow inhale to calm myself, realising my hands are trembling crazily now, but Jake only sighs.
‘She doesn’t want to hear from you Arry…We have been through this.’ Jake sounds pained, he knows I have been having a tough time dealing with her absence, but he doesn’t think I should try and get hold of her while I am with Natasha. If anything, he’s been pissed at me for weeks, that I chose to fix this relationship… I guess I can see why now. He hasn’t been shy about being off with me, over all of it.
‘I need to talk to her, know how to find her.’ I can feel the panic gripping my body, like this sudden realisation has finally hit me and that I have left it so long that I need to be urgent. Before I lose anymore of the slight hold I may still have on her. All I want right now is just some sort of connection to her, her voice, anything.
‘There’s someone else. I’m sorry Arry….I didn’t know how to tell you.’ Jakes voice is hoarse, emotion filled, and I cannot compute what he’s saying to me.
‘What do you mean there’s someone else?……. Sophie doesn’t let anyone close.’ My voice breaks, heart crushing in my chest and breath hitting me hard. My mind scrambling to decipher the words he’s hitting me with and refusing to believe them.
‘That’s why I know there’s someone else….. this guy. She’s with him a lot, every time I call her, he’s in the background. I think it’s serious.’ Jake’s voice trails off and I just stare blankly at the screen, numb with the shock of what he’s telling me.
It’s too late, I left it too late. She’s not mine anymore.
The weight of that realisation hits me harder than any sucker punch I have ever endured in the ring, I physically exhale and slump down, heart constricting badly and pain choking me. The thought of Sophie with some other guy takes away the last blinkers that may have lingered and it nearly cripples me with jealousy. I hate the thought of some other guy, being to her, what I was…what I should have been. It’s not how it’s supposed to be. She’s mine, she’s always been mine… she stood in front of me and told me she loved me. She offered me all of her. It was mine for the taking. It doesn’t get to be his.
‘What do I do?’ I croak out, unable to hold back the pain in my face, behind my eyes, consuming my throat. Mind consumed with how the hell I get her back. How I find her and beg her to let me in. I’ll beat the shit out of him, who ever he is. No one gets to be to my girl what I should be. I don’t lose her this way, not after everything.
‘Leave her to live her life….. You have Natasha…I mean you didn’t call and say, it’s over…so………’ Jake seems to be pointing out the obvious and I nod numbly, slapped in the face by my own brother, sense coming back; he’s right. I didn’t. I called him to reach out to her, yet I have a girlfriend who should be arriving at any minute and here I am, trying to confess undying love to someone else. I don’t deserve Sophie; I’m an idiot of the epic proportions and I can’t even sort my shit out before I desperately make attempts at reaching for her. I’m an asshole.
She deserves so much more than this.
I hear the elevator ping and realise Tasha’s almost here.
‘I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.’ I respond emptily, despite the turmoil of grief going off inside of me, too consumed right now with what I am feeling to say anything else. I hang up before he responds, before he gives me a lecture, or just calls me out for being an, idiot, or an asshole. Sophie is right.
I am lame.
It kills me inside that she’s not my Soph’s anymore. I can’t think about this right now.I stand up when I hear the elevator ping again, pushing it all down expertly behind that face of coolness I excel at; the noise time indicating it’s hit my floor and I cradle my cell in my hand. Wiping my face with my sleeve in a bid to get ready to face her. I have no idea what the hell I’m going to say, or do. I can barely get my head together and I am still in my sweats and tee. All I can do is concentrate on breathing as the internal turmoil tries to consume me. All I can think about is what he said.
There is someone else……
She walks in smiling, carrying a bunch of roses that she obviously brought for the apartment. She is forever trying to add her touches, make her mark, and yet… Sophie never tried, it just happened organically. Sophie never ever tried to weld herself to me at all, it was always just a natural thing, the two of us merging. Natasha just tries so hard, all the time.
She will never be her. She isn’t her. She will never replace her.
Jesus, what have I done?
‘Hey.’ She smiles warmly, depositing the flowers on the counter and turns to me with a look of surprise. Taking in my appearance and then my face.
‘What’s wrong? You look awful?’ She blinks at me, all dark soft eyes and elfin features. Natasha is a pretty girl, she always has been, but if I am being honest with myself. I only ever saw in her, someone who looked nothing like Sophie. It feels like everything is just clicking clearly into place and with every little notch of the puzzle fitting, it just highlights how much of a complete jerk I am. How blind I have been to exactly where my heart has always been.
Soph’s the reason my life is falling to shit these past weeks. Sophie leaves and I fall apart. Isn’t that how it always goes.
Why didn’t I see this?
‘I……’ I can’t even find the words to say this. I have no clue how to tell a girl that it’s over, when all she has done is try to make me love her again, for weeks on end. Being the model of patience and understanding when really, I deserved nothing from her.
It doesn’t matter that Sophie is out of my reach now, she’s moved on. None of that matters. I can’t stay with a girl I don’t love and live in the memory of the one who got away. It’s not fair on her. I can’t give her something I don’t have to give. Sophie took my heart when she left, and I don’t want it back. It’s hers, it always will be. I gave it to her, and whether she knows she possess it or not, is irrelevant. I know it belongs to her and always will. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
‘Don’t say it…. Don’t!’ Natasha looks instantly distraught and the tears immediately hit her eyes, making me feel even shittier about this. She knows what I am thinking, she can see it written all over me and I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t have it in me to console her right now. There’s nothing left of me, but an empty gaping hole and a lot of ache.
‘We just need time… it’s still early days, there is so much we still have to fight for.’ She is floundering, panicking and looking at me like a wounded puppy. It doesn’t affect me the way Sophie’s tears always get to me, the way that look as she walked to her room that night ripped me in two. How I could never see the difference between them before now, really dumbfounds me. Sophie being hurt is like having my insides wrenched out from my body. Watching Natasha cry just makes me feel guilty, like a failure and a shitty person, but it doesn’t devastate me. The thought of my girl out there crying, now that is enough to end me.
‘I’m sorry…. I can’t. Time isn’t going to fix this….. I love her.’ I say it out loud, like I really am still trying to test myself, but it just makes it more painful. Because it comes out so easily, three little words I have always had a hard time saying to Tasha, to anyone. With Sophie, like everything with her… it’s natural. I wish I had said them to her when I had the chance. It twists my stomach even thinking about it.
‘You’re a bastard.’ Natasha screams at me and throws her bunch of flowers at me across the room, I dodge them as they splay across the couch, knock over some of the decor on the surface and watch as her face contorts in pain, tears flowing free.
‘I’m sorry.’ It’s all I can say, because my mind is made up. I’m tired of doing this, trying to pretend this is where I want to be, when it’s not. It’s always a struggle for me, to face her, to be around her, to try and touch her. Because my head is in the one place I think it will always be, even if I never see her again.
Wherever Sophie is… that is where my head will always be.
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOVJust Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Please note - there is swearing and sexual references, this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
Arrick Carrero's POV
The Carrero Heart book 1 - After Sophie and he part ways, breaking up with Natasha
Sitting on my couch, leaning forward with elbows propped on my knees, I stare at my cell for the millionth time and scroll to Sophie’s name on the list. Last call was twenty-eight days ago…twenty-eight long days of hell, silence, and lack of Sophie. Twenty-eight days; the last time I felt anything but the constant absence and heavy pit in my stomach, from her just disappearing in every single way and leaving a gaping silent space in my life.
I’m missing her like crazy, keeping her last texts messages because it’s all I have left of her. I scroll to the very last one, again. It’s a nothing text; I don’t even remember what it was in response too, as it’s not connected to the conversation before it. Just one single text, one that sums her up in so very few words and I stare at it as my chest heaves with that same ingrained weight that I feel daily.
You’re lame, badboy xxx
I stare at her smiling face, I saved as her contact image, and it has the same effect that it has every time I do this to myself. Like a gut punch from something sharp. Dull, yet piercing. She has no idea how much this hurts. I never knew I could miss someone with the depths of agony that I miss her. That missing someone could make every part of you ache, like a toothache you cannot relieve, no matter what you do.
I trawl my cell almost daily, for the snippets of video on my phone that have her in them, for the signs of her in my life, our past life. It’s all I have since she disappeared on all my social media; she either removed her accounts, or blocked me on every single one, I know because I have searched for her. All the pictures she had tagged me in are gone too. It’s like she just wiped out every connection in one fell swoop. Cut me off and severed me, like I deserve.
I stare at that smiling, once happy face. Taken on a trip, a couple years back. Perfection in a picture. That almost love heart shaped face, framed in natural honey blonde hair, big tropical blue eyes and the devastating mouth of a born seductress. Pouted soft pink lips, natural blushed cheeks and flawless complexion. Sophie could have been a model in another lifetime, if she had a start with the Huntsbergers long ago, and never developed the fear of men she has now. She’s beautiful enough. I don’t have a single bad picture of her in my cell, every one as photogenically flawless as the previous. She never really acted like she knew she was gorgeous, I don’t think she ever saw it and it only made me love her all the more.
I know it’s not right, to sit and stare at her face anytime I’m alone, to try and find pieces of her I can draw back to me. Natasha is clinging to me, trying so hard to make this work. But my heart walked out that door four weeks ago, and never looked back. I didn’t know what I had until I didn’t have her anymore.
It kills me inside.
I dream about her, I think about every day, yet I know I lost all of it. She was more than just my best friend, she was ingrained on my soul, so that severing every tie has torn me apart. I never knew how much I needed her in my life, never saw how emotionally invested I was in her, until she left. Except I made her go, didn’t’ I? This was my choice. My doing; so I only have myself to blame.
She told Jake that she doesn’t want to hear from me, I keep telling myself to give her time. I thought I knew what I needed to do, to fix this whole mess. I figured in time we could sort this out, but all time has shown me, is that I stayed behind with the wrong girl. Sophie took more than just her things from my life, she took the sun, the happiness, and the sense of purpose with her. Since she walked away, I just feel like I don’t care about anything anymore.
My phone buzzes and Natasha’s name pops up at the top of the screen, above Sophie's smiling face. I have to drag my eyes from her to look, and it takes a moment longer than it should.
Almost there, are we going out to eat? xXx
I feel that same weight of duty and guilt come over me, it always drags me back to this. The fact I am still here, still doing this, and trying to make amends. I sigh as my thumb hovers over the home key on my cell, the one which will tuck her face out of sight again, so I can respond to Tasha. I linger, looking at her and feel that same weight hit me in the heart, it happens so many times a day that I should be used to it, but I swear it gets worse every day.
Every blonde girl I see, every dumb unicorn or fast food vendor. Every cheesy pop song, old movie or lame girly cartoon. I just see her. Everywhere. Like my own personal torment. It never feels any better.
Sure x
I reply, with zero enthusiasm. I know I am just going through the motions with Natasha. I don’t even know why anymore.
I throw my cell on the coffee table and slump back. I can’t bring myself to kiss her, let alone sleep with her and we seem to just be skirting around one another all the time. Polite, weird, strained atmosphere. She is the one who is trying so hard to be together again, when it should be me. I’m the one who fucked it all up, I’m the one who betrayed her, yet I just can’t find it in me to try.
Staring at the ceiling for a minute, I know I should go get changed. I’m still in my sweats from training, but I don’t care. I can’t be bothered getting up and showering, can’t really face going out to eat either. Nate has been busting my ass the last few weeks, over how off focus my game is and my trainer managed to punch me square in the jaw today, because I let my guard down. A rookie mistake, one I never make, but my head isn’t on fighting anymore. Nothing seems to get my head back on task anymore. Maybe I just need a break, and time, to do absolutely nothing. A trip skiing, or maybe just on my dad’s yacht. Thing is … every trip I have ever enjoyed, also has memories of her.
I sit up and grab the remote, in a bid to push her out of my head, and stop torturing myself over this. I made my choice and I need to man up and live with the consequences. It will get better, it will pass. Sophie is still there, just out of reach, but I’ll get her back…. She loves me as much as I love her, we are like two magnets who are always drawn back to one another, and if I can just fix all of this first, she will come around too. I’m just wallowing, feeling sorry for myself, because I miss her. I just need to think beyond this, when feelings are less bruised, and people are more open to building bridges. I can’t give up on the hope that I will see her again.
I hit the button on the remote and the last paused movie is still on screen. I never watch movies anymore. The last few weeks I have kept myself busy almost constantly, so that I can come home and crash and sleep away the hours, before I do it all again.
I blink at the screen as I try to work out what it is, pressing play so that it comes to life in a burst of colour.
It’s Sophie’s favourite movie, paused from when she was sat here watching it. I can almost picture her next to me, doe eyed at the cartoon unicorn on screen and sobbing her eyes out when she finds her family in the sea. Clinging to me, in a bid to relieve her upset and stealing the popcorn from my lap as she snuggled herself against me. I know every detail of this movie, she has watched it so many times that is imprinted on my brain for an eternity.
I stare at the screen and it just hits me with the weight of a thunder bolt. My heart constricting painfully as I stare at the dumb white horse in front of me.
Nothing will ever be like it was, Sophie will never sit here with me again, and watch this movie. Ever.
Even if I manage to salvage a friendship, Natasha doesn’t want me to know her anymore. I betrayed her with Sophie, she would never want her near me again. She has all but begged me to promise to never go back to how it was with Soph’s. I couldn’t, I can’t promise that. It goes against everything in me, but even I know how callous it would be to do that to Tasha.
Sophie is all I want. If I could have her here right now, beside me, watching this dumb movie and eating junk food then I would… over Natasha coming, over everything. I just miss her that much.
I chose the wrong girl.
I stare at the screen, numbing out the noises and images and just become so consumed with the fact that this isn’t temporary. This isn’t something that will end, and we can pick up the pieces. This was a choice of one or the other. Of never being with Sophie ever again, and it strangles me with the force of a steel grip.
I never saw it that way at the time, I kept telling myself it was a means to an end. I never really thought that one choice, one moment of doing the right thing would be an end to her…and me….. That I would never be a part of her life ever again. That I would lose every single one of those moments we shared. Innocent moments, movies, jokes, smiles… her smile. It rips me open like I am just a piece of paper and emotion hits me in the throat. It really feels like someone just switched on a light and illuminated the flaws in my plan, in the most stupendous way.
I love Sophie. It kills me that I can love her this much and was stupid enough to give that up, to give her up. I don’t want Natasha, I want Sophie. If I’m being honest then I always have wanted her. It’s why I could never just ignore the two am cries for help. It’s part of my soul to be there for her to fall on, and no one is doing that for her now.
Who’s there for her when she needs a hug, when she needs someone to pick her up? No one, because I know her. She won’t let anyone close. I should be there. I am the one who was always meant to bandage her wounds, wipe away her tears. In the weeks that I haven’t, then who has? Who has been taking care of my girl?
It’s a pain worse than death to realise that I did this to her. That she’s been alone all this time, hating me, hurt by me, and yet knowing her. Suffering alone. She won’t turn to those she loves for support… that was always me. I was her rock. I didn’t just severe a friendship to save a relationship I feel obliged to be in. I let the girl who loves me and needs me, walk away to be alone, to suffer alone so I could save face. I let the girl I love go. And I do… I love her. I really love her.
Shit.
Staring at a white horse prancing around on screen, feeling the dampness hit my cheek as the realisation hits me that this is the problem right here. I didn’t let a girl I care about walk away. I pushed the girl I am crazy in love with, out the door. For someone I don’t.
I don’t love Natasha.
It’s guilt, it’s a sense of duty and loyalty. But it’s not love. I could never feel about Tasha the way I feel about Soph’s. Sophie makes me feel like I’m going crazy without her, she brings emotions out in me that no one else has ever been able too. Didn’t I learn anything when she cut me off once before?
I am so in love with her.
It hits me like a slap in the face.
I claw my cell back from the table, brain on auto pilot and mind just reacting. Panic searing through me at a rate of noughts.
I need to talk to her, I need to just hear her voice once, to tell her I am still here, that I love her. The way she loved me, if she even still does. I need to just end this agony for both of us. Want to know that she isn’t alone and dealing with shit by herself. I want to hug her more than anything right now. To feel her against me jut for a second, one more time. I want her to know that I will always still be only a call away.
Twenty-eight days is an eternity and I can’t do this anymore. I can’t leave her alone anymore. It kills me to think about it, to see her out there, standing on her own two feet. She wasn’t built to be alone, I can’t bear the thought of it.
I scroll until I find her number, the call from that day and hit the icon without questioning it anymore. Holding it to my ear as my hands begin to tremble and I have no clue what I even want to say to her. I only want to reach out to her.
It beeps three times and cuts off, I knew it would, it’s done it every time I tried in the past weeks, but there’s a part of me that hoped she would have unblocked my cell at some point. I try again and get the same noise, ripping my heart from my chest. Praying that there must be a way.
My emotion catches in my throat and I call Jake instead. He has her new apartment details in the city, he will know where she is, be able to call her. He can tell me how to get hold of her. I know he’s been seeing her, making sure all her bills are paid and I know she started school. I have had to curb the urge to go there so many times. I have tried to just give her space, tried to not bring her up in every conversation with him.
It rings, and he isn’t long to answer.
‘Hey, what’s up kiddo?’ Jake sounds tired, I can hear the kids in the background and know he’s at home. It’s late, almost eight pm.
‘I need to talk to her.’ I blurt out impulsively, emotion going haywire and my voice sounds gruff and shaky. I tale a slow inhale to calm myself, realising my hands are trembling crazily now, but Jake only sighs.
‘She doesn’t want to hear from you Arry…We have been through this.’ Jake sounds pained, he knows I have been having a tough time dealing with her absence, but he doesn’t think I should try and get hold of her while I am with Natasha. If anything, he’s been pissed at me for weeks, that I chose to fix this relationship… I guess I can see why now. He hasn’t been shy about being off with me, over all of it.
‘I need to talk to her, know how to find her.’ I can feel the panic gripping my body, like this sudden realisation has finally hit me and that I have left it so long that I need to be urgent. Before I lose anymore of the slight hold I may still have on her. All I want right now is just some sort of connection to her, her voice, anything.
‘There’s someone else. I’m sorry Arry….I didn’t know how to tell you.’ Jakes voice is hoarse, emotion filled, and I cannot compute what he’s saying to me.
‘What do you mean there’s someone else?……. Sophie doesn’t let anyone close.’ My voice breaks, heart crushing in my chest and breath hitting me hard. My mind scrambling to decipher the words he’s hitting me with and refusing to believe them.
‘That’s why I know there’s someone else….. this guy. She’s with him a lot, every time I call her, he’s in the background. I think it’s serious.’ Jake’s voice trails off and I just stare blankly at the screen, numb with the shock of what he’s telling me.
It’s too late, I left it too late. She’s not mine anymore.
The weight of that realisation hits me harder than any sucker punch I have ever endured in the ring, I physically exhale and slump down, heart constricting badly and pain choking me. The thought of Sophie with some other guy takes away the last blinkers that may have lingered and it nearly cripples me with jealousy. I hate the thought of some other guy, being to her, what I was…what I should have been. It’s not how it’s supposed to be. She’s mine, she’s always been mine… she stood in front of me and told me she loved me. She offered me all of her. It was mine for the taking. It doesn’t get to be his.
‘What do I do?’ I croak out, unable to hold back the pain in my face, behind my eyes, consuming my throat. Mind consumed with how the hell I get her back. How I find her and beg her to let me in. I’ll beat the shit out of him, who ever he is. No one gets to be to my girl what I should be. I don’t lose her this way, not after everything.
‘Leave her to live her life….. You have Natasha…I mean you didn’t call and say, it’s over…so………’ Jake seems to be pointing out the obvious and I nod numbly, slapped in the face by my own brother, sense coming back; he’s right. I didn’t. I called him to reach out to her, yet I have a girlfriend who should be arriving at any minute and here I am, trying to confess undying love to someone else. I don’t deserve Sophie; I’m an idiot of the epic proportions and I can’t even sort my shit out before I desperately make attempts at reaching for her. I’m an asshole.
She deserves so much more than this.
I hear the elevator ping and realise Tasha’s almost here.
‘I need to go. I’ll call you tomorrow.’ I respond emptily, despite the turmoil of grief going off inside of me, too consumed right now with what I am feeling to say anything else. I hang up before he responds, before he gives me a lecture, or just calls me out for being an, idiot, or an asshole. Sophie is right.
I am lame.
It kills me inside that she’s not my Soph’s anymore. I can’t think about this right now.I stand up when I hear the elevator ping again, pushing it all down expertly behind that face of coolness I excel at; the noise time indicating it’s hit my floor and I cradle my cell in my hand. Wiping my face with my sleeve in a bid to get ready to face her. I have no idea what the hell I’m going to say, or do. I can barely get my head together and I am still in my sweats and tee. All I can do is concentrate on breathing as the internal turmoil tries to consume me. All I can think about is what he said.
There is someone else……
She walks in smiling, carrying a bunch of roses that she obviously brought for the apartment. She is forever trying to add her touches, make her mark, and yet… Sophie never tried, it just happened organically. Sophie never ever tried to weld herself to me at all, it was always just a natural thing, the two of us merging. Natasha just tries so hard, all the time.
She will never be her. She isn’t her. She will never replace her.
Jesus, what have I done?
‘Hey.’ She smiles warmly, depositing the flowers on the counter and turns to me with a look of surprise. Taking in my appearance and then my face.
‘What’s wrong? You look awful?’ She blinks at me, all dark soft eyes and elfin features. Natasha is a pretty girl, she always has been, but if I am being honest with myself. I only ever saw in her, someone who looked nothing like Sophie. It feels like everything is just clicking clearly into place and with every little notch of the puzzle fitting, it just highlights how much of a complete jerk I am. How blind I have been to exactly where my heart has always been.
Soph’s the reason my life is falling to shit these past weeks. Sophie leaves and I fall apart. Isn’t that how it always goes.
Why didn’t I see this?
‘I……’ I can’t even find the words to say this. I have no clue how to tell a girl that it’s over, when all she has done is try to make me love her again, for weeks on end. Being the model of patience and understanding when really, I deserved nothing from her.
It doesn’t matter that Sophie is out of my reach now, she’s moved on. None of that matters. I can’t stay with a girl I don’t love and live in the memory of the one who got away. It’s not fair on her. I can’t give her something I don’t have to give. Sophie took my heart when she left, and I don’t want it back. It’s hers, it always will be. I gave it to her, and whether she knows she possess it or not, is irrelevant. I know it belongs to her and always will. I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.
‘Don’t say it…. Don’t!’ Natasha looks instantly distraught and the tears immediately hit her eyes, making me feel even shittier about this. She knows what I am thinking, she can see it written all over me and I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t have it in me to console her right now. There’s nothing left of me, but an empty gaping hole and a lot of ache.
‘We just need time… it’s still early days, there is so much we still have to fight for.’ She is floundering, panicking and looking at me like a wounded puppy. It doesn’t affect me the way Sophie’s tears always get to me, the way that look as she walked to her room that night ripped me in two. How I could never see the difference between them before now, really dumbfounds me. Sophie being hurt is like having my insides wrenched out from my body. Watching Natasha cry just makes me feel guilty, like a failure and a shitty person, but it doesn’t devastate me. The thought of my girl out there crying, now that is enough to end me.
‘I’m sorry…. I can’t. Time isn’t going to fix this….. I love her.’ I say it out loud, like I really am still trying to test myself, but it just makes it more painful. Because it comes out so easily, three little words I have always had a hard time saying to Tasha, to anyone. With Sophie, like everything with her… it’s natural. I wish I had said them to her when I had the chance. It twists my stomach even thinking about it.
‘You’re a bastard.’ Natasha screams at me and throws her bunch of flowers at me across the room, I dodge them as they splay across the couch, knock over some of the decor on the surface and watch as her face contorts in pain, tears flowing free.
‘I’m sorry.’ It’s all I can say, because my mind is made up. I’m tired of doing this, trying to pretend this is where I want to be, when it’s not. It’s always a struggle for me, to face her, to be around her, to try and touch her. Because my head is in the one place I think it will always be, even if I never see her again.
Wherever Sophie is… that is where my head will always be.
Arrick Carrero's POV - Letting Sophie go.
Lovers of my books The Carrero Series will love this brand new bonus scene.
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluenceBook 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolutionBook 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOVJust Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Please note - there is swearing and sexual references, this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
Arrick Carrero's POV
The Carrero Heart book 1 - After Sophie and he part ways, in the last scene.....
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling of my room, I haven’t moved from this spot all night. The weight in my chest is almost holding me in place, crushing me with the pain, and I can’t stop running last night through my mind endlessly. I’m restless, torn. Scrunching my fingers in my hair like I can rip this out of my head. I want to go to her room and see her, but I can't. I can't get her out of my head, even though she is only feet away.
I kissed Sophie… I did more than kiss her, and it felt good, it felt right. It made me feel a thousand things about her that I can’t even begin to analyse, comprehend how to. I know that I have feelings for her, so overwhelming that it’s terrifying and I have no clue how to navigate it, without completely losing my mind. She makes me feel like I am on the edge of a precipice and one little step will send me falling to the depths. It’s the single most scary thing I have ever felt.
Sophie scares me.
Her blind faith and trust that we can just come together, and I will be everything she needs and wants in life. It’s crushing and suffocating, that she has so much faith in what she thinks it will be; she has no clue about the depths of pain that come with it falling apart. How real the threat of not working is, how it will destroy us. And there is no guarantee that we won't fall apart.
I wanted her so badly, every part of my body blocking out the niggles and doubts, despite the tidal wave of them. Natasha was the last thing on my mind – only Soph’s and that perfect face as she looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes; that mouth that just aches to be kissed. She has no idea how much I wanted to just lose myself in her, and forget everything else around us. The pull she has always had over me. She’s like a siren who was built specifically to pull me in.
Natasha showing up and destroying all that was a slap in the face. A wake-up call. I can’t go down that road with Sophie, I have too much to lose. Everything that clouds how I feel about her, the way her family would look at me for chasing her that way. I have everyone’s trust, including hers, and it crosses so many boundaries to give into my desires. She was a child, one who needed me, needed a hero and a protector. I would be abusing so much if I let my own needs overtake all that. It would destroy what we have if it all fell apart, there would be no coming back from that and it doesn’t bear thinking about.
Natasha was distraught, her sobbing and heart-breaking almost ended me; sitting for hours with her and feeling my guilt consume me. Listening to her cry, trying to fix what I did. My head on the girl I left in my apartment the whole time and it just made it all so much worse to deal with. I just clamped down and hid inside my own head. Saying what I needed to, to get her to stop crying. To undo some of the damage I inflicted on her. I’m not someone who just destroys the heart of the girl who loves me.
I am not that guy.
Not some cheating ass hole who throws everything away, and acts so coldly. Only hours before, did I promise her, a fresh start, to fix the mess growing between us and yet there I was - moments away from picking up my best friend and making love to her. I know I would have, Sophie was willing, and I was incapable of stopping. I only saw and felt her, and in that moment – it was all that mattered to me. Pulled in by her spell and just so willing to follow her to the ends of eternity.
I hear the noise of her in the room outside and I pause, holding my breath as she does whatever she is doing out there, it makes the pain in my gut grow larger, threatening to consume me from the inside out. It sounds like she is pulling boxes, or a case and I know I should get up and help her.
Stop her.
I am so fucked up about this right now. I don’t even know what to do. I just lay here, tense, muscles taut and poised.
I told her I chose Natasha…. Even when I was saying it, it was like sawdust in my throat and the look on her face was ripping me apart. I couldn’t breathe, but I know it’s the right thing to do. More than just Sophie’s heart is at stake in this, and as much as it kills me right now - I know she will forgive me eventually. She’ll understand that having each other, forever, as friends… is better than an affair that could end us. I need her too much to screw everything up with sex. I need her in my life and if we cross that boundary, there is no guarantee of that.
I need the guarantee that I won’t lose her.
I can hear the scraping of something heavy and I sit up, body tense, still, and aching to go to her, but something holds me back. A deep internal feeling of something that just won’t let me follow her, as though some invisible force has me gripped. My breathing gets more laboured, but yet I am still silently straining to hear her. Picturing her in my head. Torturing myself with images of her naked last night.
It’s still dark out, clock says its before six and even that little fact hurts me. She never gets up before the sun is up, it’s against everything she is. Sophie has never been an early riser, she hates mornings with a passion, so I guess this is her trying to get away from me before I get up.
Not that I blame her.
I fucked us up royally last night, and the look on her face is all I can fixate on. It’s killing me to see that betrayal, that pain in those eyes I love so much. It gnaws at me like an eternal twisting slice. Every time I see her in there, looking back at me with so much disappointment, my throat constricts, and I have to fight the urge to clutch my gut. She knows how to make me bleed.
With a look.
A killing little look.
The elevator pings, she’s pressed the button to summon it and I am on my feet in a flash, needing to stop her, without thinking anymore. Panic rising inside of me, and impulsively going after her. Fear consuming me that if I let her leave, it will change everything. My head's running one way, yet my body is taking over.
My feet freeze as I get to the door, hand on the metal handle and I can’t move. Natasha swimming in my mind, guilt eating me, the voices of those around me telling me to let this go.
Do the right thing. Be the good guy. Don’t be selfish and hurt people who love you.
I clutch my head and try like crazy to get some sense and some focus.
Instinct takes over as I hear the swoosh of the doors and I am out of the room in a flash, the only thought in my head
Hold onto her…. Don’t lose her….. Don’t let her go.
I run out into the open plan room and see the doors closing, she’s inside with her back to me. A pile of boxes around her feet and she looks so god damn small, and fragile. That slim little body, holding herself in her own arms, like she did the first time I ever laid eyes on her. Closed up, broken and alone.
I’m doing this to her.
My heart breaks at the sight of her and I am fast on my feet, running for the doors, running against the panic consuming me. Needing to just pull her out of that elevator and tell her I don’t mean any of it. To wrap her in my arms and make it all better for her, that’s my job.
That’s my soul purpose in life – to be Sophie’s healer. To take care of her.
I always said I would take care of her. I promised her I would never leave her.
I’m not fast enough and my voice sticks in my throat when I try to call to her, hitting the closed steel surface, seconds after it’s shut; frantically clawing at the tiny gap in the doors and getting nowhere. I hit the button manically. Over and over, willing the doors to open for me, pressing it like I might impale it through the wall, but they don’t. Like fate is trying to give me a real message, that I made my choice.
She’s going………
Something in my stomach is telling me this is all wrong, and try as I might to calm my breathing and the tension growing inside of me. I can’t push it away. I run back to my room, searching for my cell, searching for shoes to go after her. Manically throwing shit around as I look for it and realise I have no clue where it is. I pull on sneakers. Throw on a hooded sweater and grab my keys in a blind flash, head set on one purpose.
Follow her. She needs you.You need her.
The elevator takes an age to reappear, hitting the button, and cursing out the fact they need more than one in this building for my fucking apartment. It’s the down side to an access via elevator only, floor. One fucking exit. I could die up here in a fire, waiting on this god damn piece of shit. Die waiting for a fucking elevator, while she could already be in a cab.
I hear my cell ringing in the apartment behind me and turn impulsively, frantic taking over, incase it’s her and manically running back, searching for the source. I spy it on the counter in the kitchen, with my wallet, and realise she must have let them there for me… after Natasha….
Fuck.
It’s Natasha, almost like she is reading my head right now, knowing how close I am to tearing after Sophie and sending us all back to square one.
I can’t keep doing this shit. It’s not fair on either of them. I stare at the screen and just stand still. Watching it flash, listening to the fucking, annoying as shit, ringtone, she put on there and staring at the selfie she sent me. A girl I am supposed to love, a girl I promised forever too - who loves me, who trusts me, who spent two years devoted to me.
I crumple down on the floor and take a slow deep breath, eyes straying to the elevator as it opens, and I have no clue what I should do anymore. Body unable to choose a direction and my heart just bursts and spills all over the floor. I feel like my head is about to self-implode.
Sophie deserves more. She deserves someone who knows what he wants, knows how to treat her. How to love her. She is so worth loving. She’s beautiful, smart, funny…cute as hell; yet there is a seriously addictive aura that comes with her. She’s special and she’s like no other girl I have ever met. She makes me laugh, and everything just feels better when she is here. She has a way of making me forget about all the crappy serious shit in life that drags me down. Brings me back to the fun and the light. She makes me a nicer guy to be around.
Natasha is staring back at me from the screen and I know that I have responsibilities. Duty to be a grown up about this. The girl who has been by my side for two years, devoted, adoring, patient and understanding. She puts up with so much and she never complains. Ending things to run after Sophie is the ultimate in cruelty, and betrayal, and I just can’t do it. She deserves loyalty at least. I owe that to her, and so much else.
It stops ringing and I just sit, staring, head a chaos of mess and emotions. Heart heavier than lead and the apartment just feels empty and dead.
Sophie is gone…in every way. I scan the room around me with an empty soul as I take in all the almost unnoticeable differences. Things most people would not even see. In the small things she leaves littered around, they are all gone. The trinkets, magazines, her shoes, her bags, and her eternal trail of all things unicorn, that she leaves on every surface. There is nothing here. Not even that dumb pink flower magnet she stuck on the refrigerator two years ago, when I first moved in and she claimed I had to have something pink in this house, for her. She has removed every single microscopic piece of her from my life, from every corner, shelf and surface. All that is Sophie is just gone, and my apartment looks empty and devoid of life. It hurts like hell.
This is what I deserve. This her final message to me.
Boy does that girl know how to deliver a blow that kills, without even trying.
All I can see is the anger in her face as she walked to that room last night, her parting words coursing through my brain, and despite the agony I feel, I know I need to leave this alone. Let her simmer and stew. Let us get used to how things are, and try to rebuild what we were. She’s angry right now, she’s hurt. But in the long run, it will be better this way.
I need her. More than I need anything else in life.
I will get her to forgive me, and we can all go back to how things were, eventually.
I’m not choosing Natasha… I’m choosing the right thing, doing the right thing, for all of us.
I just need for my heart and soul to catch up, before it ends me.
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluenceBook 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolutionBook 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOVJust Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Please note - there is swearing and sexual references, this is not suitable for those under 18 years of age.
Read at your own risk!!
Arrick Carrero's POV
The Carrero Heart book 1 - After Sophie and he part ways, in the last scene.....
I lay in bed staring at the ceiling of my room, I haven’t moved from this spot all night. The weight in my chest is almost holding me in place, crushing me with the pain, and I can’t stop running last night through my mind endlessly. I’m restless, torn. Scrunching my fingers in my hair like I can rip this out of my head. I want to go to her room and see her, but I can't. I can't get her out of my head, even though she is only feet away.
I kissed Sophie… I did more than kiss her, and it felt good, it felt right. It made me feel a thousand things about her that I can’t even begin to analyse, comprehend how to. I know that I have feelings for her, so overwhelming that it’s terrifying and I have no clue how to navigate it, without completely losing my mind. She makes me feel like I am on the edge of a precipice and one little step will send me falling to the depths. It’s the single most scary thing I have ever felt.
Sophie scares me.
Her blind faith and trust that we can just come together, and I will be everything she needs and wants in life. It’s crushing and suffocating, that she has so much faith in what she thinks it will be; she has no clue about the depths of pain that come with it falling apart. How real the threat of not working is, how it will destroy us. And there is no guarantee that we won't fall apart.
I wanted her so badly, every part of my body blocking out the niggles and doubts, despite the tidal wave of them. Natasha was the last thing on my mind – only Soph’s and that perfect face as she looked at me with those gorgeous blue eyes; that mouth that just aches to be kissed. She has no idea how much I wanted to just lose myself in her, and forget everything else around us. The pull she has always had over me. She’s like a siren who was built specifically to pull me in.
Natasha showing up and destroying all that was a slap in the face. A wake-up call. I can’t go down that road with Sophie, I have too much to lose. Everything that clouds how I feel about her, the way her family would look at me for chasing her that way. I have everyone’s trust, including hers, and it crosses so many boundaries to give into my desires. She was a child, one who needed me, needed a hero and a protector. I would be abusing so much if I let my own needs overtake all that. It would destroy what we have if it all fell apart, there would be no coming back from that and it doesn’t bear thinking about.
Natasha was distraught, her sobbing and heart-breaking almost ended me; sitting for hours with her and feeling my guilt consume me. Listening to her cry, trying to fix what I did. My head on the girl I left in my apartment the whole time and it just made it all so much worse to deal with. I just clamped down and hid inside my own head. Saying what I needed to, to get her to stop crying. To undo some of the damage I inflicted on her. I’m not someone who just destroys the heart of the girl who loves me.
I am not that guy.
Not some cheating ass hole who throws everything away, and acts so coldly. Only hours before, did I promise her, a fresh start, to fix the mess growing between us and yet there I was - moments away from picking up my best friend and making love to her. I know I would have, Sophie was willing, and I was incapable of stopping. I only saw and felt her, and in that moment – it was all that mattered to me. Pulled in by her spell and just so willing to follow her to the ends of eternity.
I hear the noise of her in the room outside and I pause, holding my breath as she does whatever she is doing out there, it makes the pain in my gut grow larger, threatening to consume me from the inside out. It sounds like she is pulling boxes, or a case and I know I should get up and help her.
Stop her.
I am so fucked up about this right now. I don’t even know what to do. I just lay here, tense, muscles taut and poised.
I told her I chose Natasha…. Even when I was saying it, it was like sawdust in my throat and the look on her face was ripping me apart. I couldn’t breathe, but I know it’s the right thing to do. More than just Sophie’s heart is at stake in this, and as much as it kills me right now - I know she will forgive me eventually. She’ll understand that having each other, forever, as friends… is better than an affair that could end us. I need her too much to screw everything up with sex. I need her in my life and if we cross that boundary, there is no guarantee of that.
I need the guarantee that I won’t lose her.
I can hear the scraping of something heavy and I sit up, body tense, still, and aching to go to her, but something holds me back. A deep internal feeling of something that just won’t let me follow her, as though some invisible force has me gripped. My breathing gets more laboured, but yet I am still silently straining to hear her. Picturing her in my head. Torturing myself with images of her naked last night.
It’s still dark out, clock says its before six and even that little fact hurts me. She never gets up before the sun is up, it’s against everything she is. Sophie has never been an early riser, she hates mornings with a passion, so I guess this is her trying to get away from me before I get up.
Not that I blame her.
I fucked us up royally last night, and the look on her face is all I can fixate on. It’s killing me to see that betrayal, that pain in those eyes I love so much. It gnaws at me like an eternal twisting slice. Every time I see her in there, looking back at me with so much disappointment, my throat constricts, and I have to fight the urge to clutch my gut. She knows how to make me bleed.
With a look.
A killing little look.
The elevator pings, she’s pressed the button to summon it and I am on my feet in a flash, needing to stop her, without thinking anymore. Panic rising inside of me, and impulsively going after her. Fear consuming me that if I let her leave, it will change everything. My head's running one way, yet my body is taking over.
My feet freeze as I get to the door, hand on the metal handle and I can’t move. Natasha swimming in my mind, guilt eating me, the voices of those around me telling me to let this go.
Do the right thing. Be the good guy. Don’t be selfish and hurt people who love you.
I clutch my head and try like crazy to get some sense and some focus.
Instinct takes over as I hear the swoosh of the doors and I am out of the room in a flash, the only thought in my head
Hold onto her…. Don’t lose her….. Don’t let her go.
I run out into the open plan room and see the doors closing, she’s inside with her back to me. A pile of boxes around her feet and she looks so god damn small, and fragile. That slim little body, holding herself in her own arms, like she did the first time I ever laid eyes on her. Closed up, broken and alone.
I’m doing this to her.
My heart breaks at the sight of her and I am fast on my feet, running for the doors, running against the panic consuming me. Needing to just pull her out of that elevator and tell her I don’t mean any of it. To wrap her in my arms and make it all better for her, that’s my job.
That’s my soul purpose in life – to be Sophie’s healer. To take care of her.
I always said I would take care of her. I promised her I would never leave her.
I’m not fast enough and my voice sticks in my throat when I try to call to her, hitting the closed steel surface, seconds after it’s shut; frantically clawing at the tiny gap in the doors and getting nowhere. I hit the button manically. Over and over, willing the doors to open for me, pressing it like I might impale it through the wall, but they don’t. Like fate is trying to give me a real message, that I made my choice.
She’s going………
Something in my stomach is telling me this is all wrong, and try as I might to calm my breathing and the tension growing inside of me. I can’t push it away. I run back to my room, searching for my cell, searching for shoes to go after her. Manically throwing shit around as I look for it and realise I have no clue where it is. I pull on sneakers. Throw on a hooded sweater and grab my keys in a blind flash, head set on one purpose.
Follow her. She needs you.You need her.
The elevator takes an age to reappear, hitting the button, and cursing out the fact they need more than one in this building for my fucking apartment. It’s the down side to an access via elevator only, floor. One fucking exit. I could die up here in a fire, waiting on this god damn piece of shit. Die waiting for a fucking elevator, while she could already be in a cab.
I hear my cell ringing in the apartment behind me and turn impulsively, frantic taking over, incase it’s her and manically running back, searching for the source. I spy it on the counter in the kitchen, with my wallet, and realise she must have let them there for me… after Natasha….
Fuck.
It’s Natasha, almost like she is reading my head right now, knowing how close I am to tearing after Sophie and sending us all back to square one.
I can’t keep doing this shit. It’s not fair on either of them. I stare at the screen and just stand still. Watching it flash, listening to the fucking, annoying as shit, ringtone, she put on there and staring at the selfie she sent me. A girl I am supposed to love, a girl I promised forever too - who loves me, who trusts me, who spent two years devoted to me.
I crumple down on the floor and take a slow deep breath, eyes straying to the elevator as it opens, and I have no clue what I should do anymore. Body unable to choose a direction and my heart just bursts and spills all over the floor. I feel like my head is about to self-implode.
Sophie deserves more. She deserves someone who knows what he wants, knows how to treat her. How to love her. She is so worth loving. She’s beautiful, smart, funny…cute as hell; yet there is a seriously addictive aura that comes with her. She’s special and she’s like no other girl I have ever met. She makes me laugh, and everything just feels better when she is here. She has a way of making me forget about all the crappy serious shit in life that drags me down. Brings me back to the fun and the light. She makes me a nicer guy to be around.
Natasha is staring back at me from the screen and I know that I have responsibilities. Duty to be a grown up about this. The girl who has been by my side for two years, devoted, adoring, patient and understanding. She puts up with so much and she never complains. Ending things to run after Sophie is the ultimate in cruelty, and betrayal, and I just can’t do it. She deserves loyalty at least. I owe that to her, and so much else.
It stops ringing and I just sit, staring, head a chaos of mess and emotions. Heart heavier than lead and the apartment just feels empty and dead.
Sophie is gone…in every way. I scan the room around me with an empty soul as I take in all the almost unnoticeable differences. Things most people would not even see. In the small things she leaves littered around, they are all gone. The trinkets, magazines, her shoes, her bags, and her eternal trail of all things unicorn, that she leaves on every surface. There is nothing here. Not even that dumb pink flower magnet she stuck on the refrigerator two years ago, when I first moved in and she claimed I had to have something pink in this house, for her. She has removed every single microscopic piece of her from my life, from every corner, shelf and surface. All that is Sophie is just gone, and my apartment looks empty and devoid of life. It hurts like hell.
This is what I deserve. This her final message to me.
Boy does that girl know how to deliver a blow that kills, without even trying.
All I can see is the anger in her face as she walked to that room last night, her parting words coursing through my brain, and despite the agony I feel, I know I need to leave this alone. Let her simmer and stew. Let us get used to how things are, and try to rebuild what we were. She’s angry right now, she’s hurt. But in the long run, it will be better this way.
I need her. More than I need anything else in life.
I will get her to forgive me, and we can all go back to how things were, eventually.
I’m not choosing Natasha… I’m choosing the right thing, doing the right thing, for all of us.
I just need for my heart and soul to catch up, before it ends me.
Interview with the Carrero brothers!!!
As promised this is the first instalment of the brothers interview. You can add questions for the next one via this post or on my Facebook page!
Interview with The Carrero brothers, from The Carrero Series by L.T.Marshall. Jake and Arry Carrero, brothers and heirs to The Carrero Corp empire.
How did you meet the women in your lives?
Jake – Emma was my new PA, she walked into my office after I returned from a two-week trip and just floored me. I don’t think I realised in that moment that I had just come face to face with my forever girl, but I knew there was something about her I wouldn’t forget.
Arry – I met Soph’s in my momma’s kitchen, came home for a weekend from college and there she was. Sweet little kid with big blue eyes, a serious glare and the cutest face I ever saw, and it just hit me in the gut. I just knew I wanted to get to know her.
Does Arrick see his future in fighting, or the company, and does Jake approve?
Arry – I see me taking fighting as far as I can, but it’s never been the forever plan. I can only go so far with it, I will retire when I am done. I will always be in the family business as it is a part of my children’s future too.
Jake – I have always approved of my little brother following his own dreams. I know he will always have a hand in the business and there will always be a place for him, when he wants it. He’s good at what he does, and I fully support it.
Do you both believe in love at first sight, after meeting your girls?
Jake – Yes. I didn’t know it’s what it was at the time, but looking back…… I fell in love with her the second she came face to face with me. I still feel the same way when I look at her now that I did when those baby blue eyes hit me head on.
Arry – I agree, I didn’t at the time. Didn’t think all the years that I knew her that I was in love with her, but now I can look back and see it. I always did. From that first moment. She just got to me in a way no one else has an ability to do. She still does.
How would you describe your relationship with your father?
(Both men laugh and look at one another)
Jake – Complicated. I respect and love him and we’re closer now than we have ever been.
Arry – Close, I guess. I always understood him more than Jake, so I get how he is. I can talk to him and I respect him.
How would you describe the relationship with your partners?
Jake – Good. The best. I love Emma heart and soul and I tell her everything. She’s my best friend, my whole focus in life.
Arry – Perfect. Sophie is the other half of me, the whole reason I get up every day. She’s just the missing part I was always looking for, and now I feel whole.
Does Arrick plan on buying a house in the Hampton's in the future?
Jake – (laughs and nudges his brother in the shoulder) Well? Do you?
Arry – (shrugs) I haven’t thought about it. We are happy in the city right now. I don’t know if that will change as we grow up a bit and our priorities change, but for now we like where we live. I like the vibe of the city.
Does Arrick want children in the future?
Jake – God, I cannot even imagine Sophie as a Mom. Pretty sure that girl will always be a kid to me, and I mean – Soph’s isn’t exactly maternal. (Jake laughs as Arry glares at him coolly)
Arry – She doesn’t need to be. She has a lot of love inside of her and I think she will do just fine. Yes, I want kids, one day. Sophie might take more convincing though. (Arry breaks into a smile and shakes his head at Jake)
Describe your brother?
Jake – Without insult? (Jake and Arry both laugh, and fist bump one another, interviewer nods.) Arry is my best mate. He’s young sometimes, but he can be really mature. He is a sensitive guy, but he hides it well; he can be spontaneous and fun, but he likes to fool the world into believing he’s too cool for all that. He can be stubborn though, and he cares too much about what people think of him. He cares too much about people in general, even when it affects his decisions, it’s his biggest flaw. I guess he’s capable, caring and reliable. Loyal.
Arry – I was waiting on the insults bro? (Arry grins at his brother) Jake is a stubborn pain in the ass. Overbearing, bossy as shit sometimes, and generally a huge headache in my day. (Jake shoves him, and he laughs in retaliation) Actually no. Jake is my best friend, next to Soph’s. He’s always there, wise, guiding and loyal. I have always looked up to him, so I guess he’s worthy of some praise. Head strong, capable, aggressive at times, but overall a really caring guy who just lives for his family.
What plans do you both have long term?
Jake – To carry on as I am. To have more kids with Emma, to buy her a bigger house when we run out of bedrooms for them all and to just keep spoiling all of them. I will be in Carrero Corp until my kids are old enough to step in, I already have Mia in training to be the first Carrero Girl to head the empire.
Arry – See where my fight career goes, stick with the family business. Convince my girl that marriage and kids are not a terrifying ordeal and actually get her down an aisle. I see all the things my brother has in my future too, although it might be a bit harder to obtain with a headstrong fashion designer with her eye on the goal of stardom. (Arry smiles proudly and Jake smiles too.)
Jake – Good luck with that bro.
Arry – Thanks. I may need it. (Both men laugh)
To be continued...................
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffectBook 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluenceBook 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolutionBook 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOVJust Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
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November 20, 2017
A Rock 'n' Roll Lovestyle by Kiltie Jackson
I have the utmost pleasure in introducing you to a fellow author of mine this week, a fellow Scot too, whom I met some many months back during an author event I hosted. Kiltie is such a lovely lady with a crazily hilarious sense of humour that I just had to share her debut book with all my followers.
The book!
A Rock 'n' Roll Lovestyle is a modern day love story which travels from Austria to London to Italy, as the main characters, Sukie McClaren and Pete Wallace, develop an unexpected, and unlikely, friendship. He is a world-renowned rock-star who is the darling of the paparazzi – regardless of how much he detests the publicity – and she is an office supervisor who can’t even bear to have her photograph taken for the office newsletter. Having been used badly in the past, by ladder-climbing, celebrity-seeking wannabes, Pete no longer trusts anyone and is finding life lonely at the top. Through Sukie, he begins to learn that not everyone wants something from him and that there are people who will go out of their way to make life better for others. Sukie’s lesson is to learn that true love means making sacrifices and that love can only be perfect when people are prepared to compromise. As Sukie and Pete prepare to spend a family Christmas together in Austria, they are unaware that, in Verona, Italy, Eduardo Di Santo is carefully planning his revenge against Pete as payback for the life-changing accident his kid sister had at a Pete Wallace concert three years prior. When Pete announces his new world-tour, which includes a gig in Verona, Eduardo knows this is what he has been waiting for. He begins to make his plans – plans in which Pete’s death is the only acceptable outcome. A secondary sub-plot involves Pete’s manager and long-standing family friend, Jordie Ray, and Sukie’s mum, Beth McClaren. They are two older people who have come to accept that the days of love and affection are behind them.
Despite a very rocky beginning, they find they are developing romantic feelings for each other - something neither of them had ever anticipated experiencing again. Their own love story develops in-between the drama unfolding with Sukie and Pete. A Rock ‘n’ Roll Lovestyle is a 21st-century love story. The leading lady is independent, feisty and takes no nonsense from anyone. These traits, however, do not stop her from being a kind, caring and funny person. The leading man is trying to deal with living a life in the public spotlight and highlights how society today puts celebrities upon pedestals where we then try our damnedest to knock them off.
Readers of Jill Mansell, Karen Swan and Tilly Bagshawe would most likely find ‘A Rock ‘n’ Roll Lovestyle’ to be to their liking. A Rock ‘n’ Roll Lovestyle by Kiltie Jackson can be purchased online from Amazon.
November 17, 2017
Support release day!!
You can support release day today by making this your prof pic until midnight!!! #teamcarrero #thecarreroseries #launchday #teamarry
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOV
Just Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
Universal book links
Book 1 - myBook.to/TheCarreroEffect
Book 2 - myBook.to/CarreroInfluence
Book 3 - myBook.to/CarreroSolution
Book 4 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
Book 5 - myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
Jakes POV - myBook.to/JakesPOV
Just Rose - getBook.at/JustRose
New release - The Carrero Heart 2
☆:*´¨`*☆~☆ RELEASE BLITZ ☆~☆*´¨`*:☆
The Carrero Heart - Part 2
By L.T. Marshall
Release day: 17th November 2017
Universal Buy Link: myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
This is the second half to the story of Arrick and Sophie, in my Carrero Series. This is the 5th book from this series.
Sophie has been living her life for the past three months. She is finding her feet, her strength, and doing it in an Arry'less world, determined that she no longer needs him in any way shape or form. She's heartbroken, but refuses to let him infiltrate her everyday life and take her from the goal she set herself. To succeed as something more and prove to not only everyone else, but herself, that she can do this.
Unfortunately for her, the wheels of fate, and the depth of how he feels about her, tug them straight back together, like magnets pulled by a stronger force that neither can fight. The heart is a funny thing, it can both hate and love, hurt and heal, at the same time.
Sometimes trusting someone the first time is so much easier than having to forgive them for breaking your heart. Something given so readily once upon a time is not so willing to peek out from the safe shadows. Sophie has to decide if she can let that one person back in, that she never thought would ever betray her.
Goodreads Link: https://www.goodreads.com/…/36541828-the-carrero-heart---th…
Also available in the series
The Carrero Heart - Part 1
myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
About the Author
Leanne Marshall is a Scottish born and bred romance writer with more than the average person's life experience. She has been a torrent of wild things, including singer in a girl band, animal rights activist and charity owner, worked in radio and offered jobs in TV.
A passionate, restless soul, who has always found peace in writing, the only way to calm that fiery spirit.
She uses her wit and dark humour to her advantage in her works and has been an avid reader for most of her life. Her influences vary, but from early life and a teen stint in journalism, she applies logic to most of her plot lines, is a self confessed research fiend, and likes a lot of psychology behind her characters actions.
She currently resides in Central Scotland with her two children and Fiancee of 13 years, making waves in the book world with her signature 'WTF moments' she likes to apply in each story, hints of humour and devastating emotional rollercoaster rides.
Quote from L.T.Marshall - 'Writing has always been an escape for me, loving that no matter what you are doing, where you are - you can create ideal fantasy and get lost in someone else's life. I love nothing more than drawing a reader with me on a journey that tortures your every emotion before the grand exhale.'
www.ltmarshall.com for all links and updates.
Find her on twitter https://twitter.com/LMarshallAuthor
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/LTMarshallauthor
Follow her blog for Character updates, giveaways and more, or sign up to her mailing list.
#LTMarshall #SLPA
The Carrero Heart - Part 2
By L.T. Marshall
Release day: 17th November 2017
Universal Buy Link: myBook.to/CarreroHeart2
This is the second half to the story of Arrick and Sophie, in my Carrero Series. This is the 5th book from this series.
Sophie has been living her life for the past three months. She is finding her feet, her strength, and doing it in an Arry'less world, determined that she no longer needs him in any way shape or form. She's heartbroken, but refuses to let him infiltrate her everyday life and take her from the goal she set herself. To succeed as something more and prove to not only everyone else, but herself, that she can do this.
Unfortunately for her, the wheels of fate, and the depth of how he feels about her, tug them straight back together, like magnets pulled by a stronger force that neither can fight. The heart is a funny thing, it can both hate and love, hurt and heal, at the same time.
Sometimes trusting someone the first time is so much easier than having to forgive them for breaking your heart. Something given so readily once upon a time is not so willing to peek out from the safe shadows. Sophie has to decide if she can let that one person back in, that she never thought would ever betray her.
Goodreads Link: https://www.goodreads.com/…/36541828-the-carrero-heart---th…
Also available in the series
The Carrero Heart - Part 1
myBook.to/CarreroHeart1
About the Author
Leanne Marshall is a Scottish born and bred romance writer with more than the average person's life experience. She has been a torrent of wild things, including singer in a girl band, animal rights activist and charity owner, worked in radio and offered jobs in TV.
A passionate, restless soul, who has always found peace in writing, the only way to calm that fiery spirit.
She uses her wit and dark humour to her advantage in her works and has been an avid reader for most of her life. Her influences vary, but from early life and a teen stint in journalism, she applies logic to most of her plot lines, is a self confessed research fiend, and likes a lot of psychology behind her characters actions.
She currently resides in Central Scotland with her two children and Fiancee of 13 years, making waves in the book world with her signature 'WTF moments' she likes to apply in each story, hints of humour and devastating emotional rollercoaster rides.
Quote from L.T.Marshall - 'Writing has always been an escape for me, loving that no matter what you are doing, where you are - you can create ideal fantasy and get lost in someone else's life. I love nothing more than drawing a reader with me on a journey that tortures your every emotion before the grand exhale.'
www.ltmarshall.com for all links and updates.
Find her on twitter https://twitter.com/LMarshallAuthor
Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/LTMarshallauthor
Follow her blog for Character updates, giveaways and more, or sign up to her mailing list.
#LTMarshall #SLPA
November 1, 2017
The Carrero Heart Part 2 Release Date
I can finally announce the official release date of The Carrero Heart Part 2. I have been working my butt off in an attempt to get this second half to you as quickly as humanly possible and now can confirm it's release date. We are currently amassing bloggers and reviewers to set the date on fire on November 17th 2017.
The official blurb and promo is all yet to come , but this is a sneak peek of the finalised cover.
You can follow me on Amazon to be notified of new releases.
The official blurb and promo is all yet to come , but this is a sneak peek of the finalised cover.
You can follow me on Amazon to be notified of new releases.
October 23, 2017
Letters to Leanne - Agony aunt weekly. #4
I have always been someone that people have asked advice of, since an early age. I became known for my level headed outlook on life and was trusted in all manner of personal issues. I have a lot of life experience, and my honest attitude, logical way of seeing any scenario meant that over the years I have received many requests for advice through social media. Anyone who gets to know me, knows that I always give my best advice wholeheartedly and am always there to be an ear and shoulder to cry on. It has gained me many friends across the sea's for years and I felt it was time I extended the efforts. I will post one 'Letters to Leanne' blog a week, from 1 to 3 letters each time, from the many emails and messages I receive with your consent. To have advice published please contact with your problems at the form below.
Weekly agony aunt post - Need advice ? Contact me here
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Dear Anon
It sounds like you had a knee jerk reaction to a very serious proposition, fear induced most likely, as you admitted you panicked. I am guessing that possibly you have been hurt in the past, had failed relationships and learned the value of having this man as a good close friend through all of that. Now he wants to change the dynamics, and instead of trusted stability he wants to take you down the path of the unknown where your heart will then be vulnerable.
I am guessing you are afraid that it will fail and you will lose him in the process.You need to ask yourself if missing out on someone who could very well be your happy ever after is worse than being afraid? If you already know that deep down the feelings are already there, then what is stopping you. You have already fallen; the hard, scary part was natural and didn't kill you in the process. You just need to see where this could go.
Many people marry and have long happy lives with their best friends, the best relationships are based on friendship.
You clearly trust him, have the right emotions, and you're hurt that he has pulled away because he obviously feels the same way about you. He is in pain, more than just a bruised ego. He obviously sees a future with you and will pull away to guard his own heart.
There is a very real chance that for a while he may disconnect from you to get over his feelings if you truly do not want to go there, but I get the sense that you are really asking for someone to tell you it is okay.
Yes, it's okay to fall in love with your best friend. Go for it.
You have already lost your heart to him.Good luck, I hope you swallow the fear and give him a real chance.
Leanne xxx
Agree or disagree with my response? Have another view or opinion? Please comment below. I love nothing more than interaction with readers who may offer a wider variety of solutions to my letter writer.
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