Sergio Tinoco's Blog

A Constant Reminder

Proud American is a biography about your journey through life in South Texas; from migrant worker to US solider and then US Border Patrol agent. What was the inspiration behind creating such a thoughtful memoir of your life?

My mother passed away in the summer of 2015. After her passing, I fell into a depression because I felt truly alone in the world. Being the only child of a single parent can do that to a person. I had my wife and kids with me but I still felt utterly alone, and I couldn’t shake it off.

My wife kept pushing me to discuss my thoughts and feelings, but I could not muster up the strength. I didn’t know how to discuss what I was experiencing. My wife suggested that I write my feelings down. For years, my wife has been telling me that she believes I’m a good writer. For years, I’ve been ignoring her compliments.

One night after dinner, she brought a letter to me. She handed me a piece of paper and asked me to open it. When I did, I saw that it was a letter I had written to her eight years ago. Eight years ago was when my wife and I first started dating, and one night she asked me over the phone, why I had joined the Army. I wrote her a letter and poured everything out on paper. It opened up the floodgates for me. That letter is now the first chapter of my book.

Do you remember what your idea of ‘America’ was as a child?

Because I began working at the age of seven, my idea of ‘America’ was that of tough living. It is hard for one to realize so young that his or her childhood is nothing like that of other kids. We were dirt poor and I had the full workload of an adult at the age of ten.

In time though, everything around me was a constant reminder of what else was possible in ‘America’. I knew there were better ways to make a living. At such a young age, I wanted to learn how to pursue my thoughts or dreams of a better life. I didn’t have time to dream of the next best toy or fun activity. I spent all my childhood dreaming and thinking of how to break my family cycle of picking crops for a living.

How did your outlook of ‘America’ change after your time in the US Army?

I must say that in many ways, the Army actually spoiled me. Although it increased my awareness of the harshness of life and the many challenges that it can impose on a person, it also continued to show me all the many possibilities available should one choose to work hard to achieve a desired goal. This only enhanced what I already believed as a kid. More so, I also learned of all the harsh realities of life and how people in other countries are in a far worse state than most of us here can ever possibly imagine or understand. I knew, after my military service, that we lived in the greatest country in the world. Even with all our faults and deficiencies, there is no comparison.

Being the son of a Mexican immigrant, was it hard for you to decide to become an agent in the US Border Patrol?

My decision to join the US Border Patrol was actually a fairly easy one. I was looking for something that would allow me to continue my government service. It’s important to note that my grandfather had never talked to us about his encounters with the US Border Patrol and thus played no role in my decision.

It wasn’t until after I had become an agent that I realized how my decision had impacted the entire family. It was a strange feeling and continues to be a delicate subject since I still have family that lives in Mexico and have not been able to visit them because of the dangers a visit from me would pose on them and even on me. With the violent cartel threat just across the border, it will be years before I can see my family again.

What is one stereotype that you think many Americans have of Mexican immigrants?

At this point in time, immigration has become a great issue for our country. With that said, the moment one begins to speak about immigration it is quickly considered to be a topic of Mexican immigrants and the ‘negative’ impact they have on our society.

I am an American Citizen by birth, but I do come from a Mexican Immigrant family and am now a Border Patrol Agent. I have to deal with criminals from every background one can possibly think of. As a federal agent, I don’t merely deal with immigration issues. I also deal with the issue of human trafficking and narcotics trafficking. In essence, I’m caught in the middle of the transaction.

I say this because in any transaction, there is a person providing a product and a person purchasing or demanding that product. I have to process undocumented individuals for deportation while at the same time prosecute the US Citizens that are committing the trafficking.

What role do you feel Mexican-Americans play in bridging the gap between these two countries?

I think we must all play the role of actual educators by way of providing facts and not opinions or emotional outbursts. I wrote a story in the book of an incident that happened to me while on the job as a Border Patrol Agent. The gentleman I encountered truly believed that he was above me simply because of my appearance and name tag. I chose to educate him and not escalate the situation with an emotional outburst. After that interaction, I earned the gentleman’s respect and he earned mine by showing me that he had learned the error in his thinking.

I’m a combat veteran who now has to deport people of my own Mexican Nationality because I have chosen to continue serving my country, the United States of America. And yet, I still have to educate people every single day of my patriotism and the struggles I’ve had to overcome in order to achieve the stability I now have.

Education is key.

Being the only child of a single mother, Sergio was raised by his maternal grandparents in a South Texas region better known as the Rio Grande Valley. This memoir details the upbringing of a poor Migrant worker of Mexican descent having to pick crops for a living since the age of seven. As a way to break from the family cycle of picking crops and depending on government welfare programs, he joined the United States Army and served ten years active duty. He deployed to Bosnia-Herzegovina shortly after the Bosnian War only to find and deal with the aftermath of the genocide that took place there and be caught in the middle of several attacks. His experiences in Bosnia ultimately led to experiencing signs and symptoms related to PTSD. After completing ten years of military service, Sergio joined the U.S. Border Patrol. Being of Mexican descent, having family in south Texas, and in Mexico gave way to new issues of having to counter threats against his family and ill-willed opinions of him for arresting and deporting “his own kind.””

A Heart for Heroism

Every now and then, remarkable people come into the world and make tremendous contributions for the benefit of the human race.

One such person is Dr. Denton A. Cooley, born August 22, 1920, founder of the Texas Heart Institute, and a literal lifesaver. He made breakthroughs in the field of medicine, making him a hero of many. When no human heart was immediately available, Dr. Cooley performed the first implantation of an artificial one.

According to Dr. O Howard Frazier, Dr. Cooley made heart surgery safe. However, the road to this immense success wasn’t easy. In 1951, Dr. Cooley met Dr. Michael DeBakey who was his mentor and former partner.

Both men were equally amazing in the world of surgery. It was Dr. DeBakey who developed the artificial heart. However, this led to a forty-year feud (ending just a year before Dr. DeBakey’s death in 2008) when Dr. Cooley used it in a surgery.

Dr. DeBakey then accused Dr. Cooley of violating regulations on human experimentation as the artificial heart had not yet been proven to be effective. However, Dr. Cooley contended that he performed the operation regardless of the implications to save a patient’s life, which was their duty as doctors first and foremost.

According to the Los Angeles Times, Dr. Cooley, while working with Dr. DeBakey, was able to develop a technique in order to repair torn aortic aneurysms. Both doctors were also able to perfect the use of a heart machine.

Not only that, Dr. Cooley also became known for his work on the congenital heart defects in children. His skillful surgical hands were vital to the success in operations done on them.

Dr. Cooley led a team of other brilliant surgeons and together they were able to perform 118, 800 open heart surgeries. He also did not retire. Instead, he devoted his time as president emeritus at the Texas Heart Institute.

He received numerous awards for his work namely, the Presidential Medal of Honor (the highest award for a civilian), the René Leriche Prize, and the National Medal of Technology. Dr. Cooley authored twelve books and over a thousand articles.

Like Dr. Cooley, it takes one to be willing to take risks to be recognized for the efforts exerted. Along the way, there will be people who won’t share the same ways and beliefs, but one must remain steadfast and true to the goals one has set in order to surely achieve them.

Not everyone may be recognized as a hero. However, with enough courage, determination, and perhaps encouragement, we can all be heroes in our own little ways.

References

Altman, Lawrence K. 2016. “Dr. Denton Cooley, Whose Pioneering Heart Surgery Set Off a 40-Year Medical Feud, Dies at 96.” The New York Times, November 18. Accessed January 24, 2017. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/19/science/dr-denton-cooley-whose-pioneering-heart-surgery-set-off-a-40-year-medical-feud-dies-at-96.html?_r=0.

Maugh, Thomas H. II. 2016. “Denton Cooley, Texas surgeon who performed first successful heart transplant in U.S., dies at 96.” Los Angeles Times, November 18. Accessed January 24, 2017. http://www.latimes.com/local/obituaries/la-me-denton-cooley-snap-story.html.

Texas Heart Institute. 2016. “Denton A. Cooley, MD.” November 18. Accessed January 24, 2017. http://www.texasheart.org/AboutUs/History/cooley.cfm.

Wikipedia. “Denton Cooley.” Accessed January 24, 2017. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denton_Cooley.

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Work Harder, Raise the Bar Higher

Why do we strive for more?

The pursuit of greater things is never­­-ending. People have this pressing need to achieve more, to never settle for what they have now. In a lot of ways, that’s a good thing; it encourages us to strive for improvement.

To achieve something, we must want it with our everything. This makes it our motivation. I remember my main drive to succeed was that I did not want to spend the rest of my life picking crops. It is a noble job, don’t get me wrong, but it is not one I imagined myself doing for the rest of my life.

It takes courage to rebel against the course of life. It is hard, but perhaps, life will be harder if you allow things to just unfold.

Joining the military wasn’t exactly my ticket to escape the mundane life of being a field worker. If being a field worker was hard, being a soldier was harder.

Back when I was newbie, the rigorous training––which included a lot of literal blood, sweat, and tears––almost made me want to quit. But with sheer endurance, I was able to surpass the challenges. I came to know a lot great men that helped me along the way.

True, I went through some of the lowest points in my life over my career as a soldier as it requires being away from my family and loved ones for long periods of time.

The ones left behind continue their lives without you, and when you come back, you aren’t even sure where you stand. As for me, I missed a lot of things like the birth of my son. However, I remember wanting to be the best role model for him. He, along with the rest of my family, became my drive to succeed in life.

My fellow soldiers also became one of the reasons why I don’t settle for mediocrity. I would push them harder in training, especially when I got promoted to sergeant. Not only that, I remember back in Bosnia, they were able to air out their pain and their anguish to me as brought about by the nature of our work. In a way, I felt like I had to push myself to be there for everyone even when I was fighting my own battle.

In retrospect, I learned to never settle for less. Excellence must be the way of life if we are to achieve anything at all. In all the things we do, we must always give our best. There might be a couple of setbacks and losses along the way, but we must push through in order to achieve the greater things.

 

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Being Rebellious While Young; A Chip Off the Old Block

Two types of people exist in this world—those who follow the rules set upon them and those who simply don’t. I was the latter, for the most part.

All my life, my grandparents raised me in a life of picking crops. It was hard work. My knees were bent all day while the scorching sun beat down on my back. Sometimes there was rain. I still remember how I ran with the others towards my grandfather’s old Ford for cover. It was a rough life, and I wanted something more out of it.

I couldn’t see myself doing field work for the rest of my life. I wanted to escape, which was ironic considering I was raised in a tightly-knit family. How could I want escape? But I did. I wanted freedom.

My rebellious tendencies sprung from this grueling situation. Where my dad (grandfather), brothers (uncles), and sister (aunt) worked all day in the fields either picking crops or weeds, I sought to work two jobs after school, one as a waiter at a Chinese restaurant and the other as a cashier at a local beer store. Not only that, I wanted to enter the Marines, much to both my grandparents’ disappointment.

It was arduous to balance school and my two jobs, but my determination saw me through. I was going to make more out of my just-above-poverty-line life.

I’ll give my mother some credit for my rebellious streak. She was an independent, strong woman who needed no man. There was one time, however, when she thought we needed to talk about my biological father. I had none of it. I felt that there was no need to.

I bore the same headstrong attitude towards life as her. There was another time when these other kids bullied me. My mom, unlike any other mom who would have rushed to their son’s aid if they saw him getting beaten up, yelled at me instead and said that I would receive a worse beating from her if I didn’t stand up and fight back. Though tears streaked down my face, I got the courage to do the exact same thing and successfully defended myself.

In a way, I was proud to be a chip off the old block. Yes, I went against the grain that caused hurt feelings for both my grandparents. I might have even sounded ungrateful for everything they had done for me with my defiance, but it was also because of my rebellious nature that I was able to elevate my status to where it is today.

If I hadn’t rebelled, I might have just been an ordinary field worker for the rest of my life.

 

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El Sueño Americano: The American Dream

Balancing one’s American pride with roots and traditions from another land.

Immigration to the United States is a difficult experience and subject to a significant public and political debate that shows no signs of cooling down anytime soon. As an immigrant, you are expected to shed off the mantle of your heritage and do what others before have come to accomplish—live the American dream. But that is not only difficult; it is impossible. A person who was molded by a different culture cannot simply leave the past behind because it is what makes a person whole. But it is also impossible not to be swept away with the tide of such a great country that offers freedom and opportunities that are otherwise not available in one’s homeland. So what is a migrant to do when facing this dilemma? Following the laws of nature, humans must adapt or face extinction. To choose either side of the spectrum—become fully “Americanized” or maintain the idea that you can still remain exactly the same as before you moved to the land of the free—will not only make your life in the USA hard, it will cause inner pain and confusion. But there is a middle way that allows you to have the best of both worlds and to do that, one must find balance.

 

To find balance, it is important to plant one’s feet firmly upon the ground; without a strong stance, all other movements are impossible. One of the hurdles many go through is speaking English. As a migrant, you may be tempted to keep using your first language, and if you live in a mostly white neighborhood, this will no doubt alienate you from the community. But this doesn’t necessarily mean giving up your language; it can be kept alive at home with your family, passing on the heritage to your children who will be better equipped as they will now be multilingual. Food is another aspect migrants can celebrate without affecting their new status as Americans. Through this, you can celebrate the traditions and flavors of your original homeland while sharing with your new neighbors your culture through a culinary experience. America is such a diverse place, and it is no way shameful to wear your origin while embracing a culture of liberty, egalitarianism, individualism, republicanism, and democracy.

 

The United States of America is the great melting pot of the world. To be a migrant in a country built by immigrants is following the great tradition of settlers that made America great. So be yourself and enjoy the good things your culture has shared with the world, and like all Americans, look to the future, for striving to be the best you can be while maintaining who you are in this modern frontier is the true meaning of the American dream.

 

 

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Veterans of the United States

The United States of America—the land of the free and the home of the brave—boasts one of, if not the largest military force in the world, with 1.4 million personnel employed to defend democracy and deployed to foreign nations overseas. Every individual is extensively trained in their skillset and is equipped with state-of-the-art technology, yet they are not immune to the passage of time nor are they impervious to the stress of combat. To maintain its strength, the Department of Defense regularly rotates units, recalling those who have completed a tour of duty and bringing them back home. These returning men and women are our veterans.

Can veterans become assets to the community?

Society expects veterans to be paragons of discipline due to the drills they’ve endured and the harsh environments they’ve had to survive. Their military training gives them the ability to act on instinct at a moment’s notice. This makes them valuable during emergencies. If a mugging were to occur and a veteran noticed it, you can be sure that they’d come charging in. As a matter of fact, veteran presence in the neighborhood can scare away petty criminals.

In the economy, Corporate America has begun to see the worth of integrating veterans into the workforce. In 2015, Fox News reported that Walmart, the nation’s largest employer by far, with 2.2 million workers, has pledged to hire 250,000 veterans by 2020. Through its foundation, the retailer has committed $20 million in grants to organizations that provide veteran job training, education, and community-based collaboration, according to Kevin Gardner, a spokesman for Walmart.

“Hiring a veteran can be one of the best decisions a company can make. They’re quick learners, team players, leaders with discipline, training and a passion for service. They help us to build a better business,” Gardner said.

The trend for better treatment of our vets continues to prevail as proven in this recent video from Fox News: https://youtu.be/XP01gL0KOag

This national wave of support brings us to our next point.

Do we do enough for our veterans as a country?

Since the founding of the United States of America, our government has sought to compensate the brave men and women who have served in our armed forces. The laws that Congress pass are always intended for the good of our veterans.

The new G.I. Bill, for example, is a law that expands the educational benefits for military veterans. Its main provisions include full funding for a public four-year undergraduate education to vets who’ve served three years on active duty since September 11, 2001. If they’ve reached ten years of service, they can transfer this benefit to their spouse or their children. This assistance allows people who do not have access to a college education a chance to attain one.

Yet despite such laws, the solutions to some issues are proving elusive. One glaring problem is that vets comprise 20 percent of national suicides, with approximately 22 vets committing suicide every day. Half of them were diagnosed as having a mental health condition, usually PTSD. There have been programs set up to provide community support, but unless we learn how to prevent or at least be more effective in treating trauma, veterans will have to continue battling with their demons.

Having served our country for more than twenty years, I am concerned about this state of affairs. Let us band together in bringing hope back to our heroes. Share any ideas for the betterment of the lives of our veterans.

“The willingness of America’s veterans to sacrifice for our country has earned them our lasting gratitude.”
—Jeff Miller

 

Reference

Singman, Brooke. 2015. “You’re hired: Jobless rate for veterans hits record low.” Fox News, December 08. Accessed January 9, 2017. http://www.foxnews.com/us/2015/12/08/youre-hired-jobless-rate-for-veterans-hits-record-low.html.

SAMHSA. 2016. “Critical Issues Facing Veterans and Military Families.” Accessed January 10, 2017. https://www.samhsa.gov/veterans-military-families/critical-issues.

 

 

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PTSD: The Nightmare after a War

All stressful events have an impact on our mind and body. Our minds are hardwired, through evolution, to respond to life-threatening occurrences. This built-in defense mechanism is called flight-or-fight response. The flight-or-fight response creates a series of changes in the body that will help us in times of trouble.

These changes often regulate themselves and go away without any reinforcement. However, for some traumatic experiences, the stress and their impacts often last longer than they should, inhibiting activities of daily living. One of these traumatic experiences is a war.

Wars have changed the lives of a lot of people. Families have been separated with no assurance of a reunion. And when, lucky enough, they reunite, things are never the same. There will always be this brush of coldness and air of distress brought about by wars. What our veterans went through those times is not easy, and what their families have to go through is challenging.

Most veterans suffer from PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD happens when the fear, anxiety, and other responses to a stressful event linger long after the event is over. This haunting of a distressful event often interferes with how a person goes through daily life. PTSD, like any other psychological disorder, presents itself in a combination of symptoms and is treated behaviorally.

Treating PTSD begins with the person accepting that there is something wrong and help is required. The patient should understand that it is okay to talk about it to someone. Although this may be a little difficult for them since not everyone in the family went to war, family members and caregivers should be of help by being attentive to the veterans. Family members should primarily be the ones to encourage them to share and always lend an ear.

Veterans with PTSD are also taught positive coping mechanisms through psychotherapy. There are various kinds of psychotherapy; patients can actually choose which one will help them most, depending on their preference. Family members can also join the sessions (depending on psychologists or psychiatrist’s discretion) to better understand the patient and to also provide support. Psychotherapy helps the veterans in diverting their stress and helps them deal with their past experiences.

The war and the nightmare we call PTSD that comes after it are something both veterans and their families should face together. Recovering from it is not a one-day thing but a gradual process that may take years. This is why the veterans and their families need all the support they can get, especially from each other.

References:

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/treatme...

 

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Fascinating Quirks of Texans

Howdy! Welcome to Texas, y’all!

You might think that the Lone Star State of Texas is all just cowboys and beers. Only when you actually live in this region that you realize you have thought them all wrong.

Might as well check these Texan quirks out and beam with delight as I give a quick rundown of what only Texans can understand.

Everything is bigger in Texas. As the second largest state in USA, it is only common reaction for foreigners coming to Texas to be overwhelmed at how big everything in Texas is. Stretched in view are the terrains and farm fields, big pickup trucks, and food and bottomless beers.
We love chili like the intensity of hot summertime weather. The scorching hot and humid weather of Texas does not stop its people to dig chili dishes. This has really something to do their amazing ability of taking in the heat while never losing their cool.
Texan lingo is unique. If you happen to be a new kid in the block, you would find yourself bangin’ your head by the winduh and fixin’ to leave with all the Texan accent. Y’all will not understand unless y’all stay longer. It takes time to get used to the way Texans say things, like how we refer to all sodas as coke. Y’all want coke? I’ll give you Dr. Pepper. You need to give it some time. It will grow on you.
To call Texans as avid baseball fans is an understatement. It is not unusual that Texans spend as much as twenty million bucks for a high school football game. Expect the stadium to be packed with a lot of Texan football fans.
Barbecue. Texans love barbecues very much, and every Texan region boasts its own barbecue style. Come down in East Texas and taste their beef cooked slowly over hickory and marinated in a sweet tomato-based sauce. Central Texans fancy their meat to be deliciously polished with spices and grilled in indirect heat from pecan or oak wood. Come up in West Texas and see to it that you cook your meat directly from mesquite wood. Last but certainly not the least, South Texas barbecue style includes thick molasses-like sauces that keep the meat very moist.
Rodeos. The people here are more than just farm guys and agriculturists. In this exciting event, men, with their bigger-in-life attitude, show off their bravery and arrogance in front of myriads of onlookers.
Don’t mess with Texas. A statewide advertising campaign was started in 1986 to discourage littering anywhere within the area of jurisdiction. That is, within the state of Texas. Since then, the law became the culture of every Texan.Do you agree with my list? What are the other quirks that you know about Texas? Share it with us!

Reference

Texas Proud. “For What Is Texas Famous?” Accessed December 5, 2016. http://texasproud.com/facts/for-what-....

Sources:

https://pixabay.com/en/big-texan-route-66-steak-ranch-1038096/

https://www.pexels.com/photo/athletic-event-crowd-event-football-game-163417/

https://pixabay.com/en/cowboys-bronc-rider-rodeo-bronco-1248620/

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Comrade in Arms

Why your war comrade means so much to you.

We developed a firm, practical feeling of solidarity, which grew, on the battlefield, into the best thing that the war produced—comradeship in arms. 

—Erich Maria Remarque

Soldiers from C Company The Royal Dragoon Guards, patrol around the Shinkalay area of Nad-e-Ali, Helmand Province, Afghanistan on 23rd September2010.
The areas around Nad-e-Ali are patroled on a regular basis giving security to the local population.
This image is available for non-commercial, high resolution download at www.defenceimages.mod.uk subject to terms and conditions. Search for image number 45152437.jpg
—————————————————————————-
Photographer: SAC Neil Chapman
Image 45152437.jpg from www.defenceimages.mod.uk

 

War brings many negative consequences—lost lives, destroyed properties. Even after the war, the psychological effects still remain. No one ever wins in war.

Perhaps, the people who have it the worst are those who fight in the war. Men and women offer their lives for the security of the country. In the battlefield, these people learn how to live and survive for a long time. This makes us wonder, “How do they do it?”

Comradeship. No matter what happens and whether or not they are in the battlefield, soldiers have each other’s backs. To have a better grasp of the value of comradeship, it is important we get to know why these war fighters mean so much to each other.

Here are some reasons.

They are each other’s life support.

Truly, a friend in need is a friend indeed. This motto sums up life for soldiers in the battlefield. For these brave fighters, comradeship serves as an oasis. Soldiers help each other through the tough times. They even have this undertaking to never leave a fellow comrade behind. Literally and figuratively speaking, they definitely have each other’s backs.

 

Their comradeship is founded on trust.

We all know that trust is essential. Without trust, you cannot form any relationships with other people. In the battlefield, how can you fight together with people you do not trust, right? Hence, soldiers trust their fellow soldiers with all their life. They trust that they won’t let each other down.

 

Great connection equates to great comradeship.

They feel the same things. Without the need for words, they can already decipher what the problem is. Before help is even asked, they are already on their feet. It’s like they are communicating through their emotions. Also, fighters share one goal. With that, it’s easier to build a connection without the use of words. They know what is needed to get to their goal.

 

They are each other’s counsel.

Comradeship serves as an emotional support for the war fighters. With the effects of war, their psychological affect is at stake. By talking to one another somehow relieves the stress. Well, talking is indeed a therapy to the soul. Soldiers hear each other out that is why they have deep connection. They know each other well because they often talk about their personal lives to the point that it seems they have grown up together.

 

Comrades to friends for life.

The war may end, but the bond of soldiers does not. Even after war, soldiers remain in touch with one another. They often hang out to catch up with each other’s life. With all the hardships they’ve been through together, it’s hard to ignore the kinship created. The comradeship turns into a lifetime friendship.

 

Life in the battlefield is not merely about survival but also about comfort. It somehow feels nice to know that someone can relate to you. That is why soldiers fighting together are tied by a special relationship. There is a bond that lasts forever.

 

References

Puiu, Tibi. 2014. “In the Face of Adversity and War, Bonds among Soldiers are as Strong as Kinship.” ZME Science, November 12. Accessed November 22, 2016. http://www.zmescience.com/medicine/genetic/kinship-warrior-soldier-532543/.

Stripes Korea. 2016. “Soldiers help each other through the tough times.” Last modified March 31. Accessed November 22, 2016. http://korea.stripes.com/news/soldiers-help-each-other-through-tough-times#sthash.25FCXClD.dpbs.

Zarate, Oscar. n.d. “The Value of Comradeship.” Grapes and Waffles Blog. Accessed November 22, 2016. http://grapesandwaffles.blogspot.com/2014/07/the-value-of-comradeship.html.

 

 

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The Odd One Out

Figure 1 | Photo source: Pixabay

Our family is our safe haven. It’s where we go when we’re looking for comfort, support, and love. It’s where we find acceptance when everything else has rejected us. It’s where we express ourselves without being judged. But what happens when this sanctuary turns against you?

The Black Sheep of the Family

Sometimes, the family isn’t the loving sanctuary you expect it to be. Sometimes, it’s unhealthy, abusive, neglectful, or all three. Sometimes, not all members are treated equally. The mother can favor the bright, beautiful older daughter, or the father can favor the more energetic, ready-to-please son over the others. Siblings can turn against their own sibling. This is especially the case when one is known as the black sheep of the family.

The black sheep of the family is one who has been rejected by its members. The rejection may be caused by the black sheep’s own rejection of the family, their rebellious behavior, or more commonly the family’s projection of their insecurities and issues into one member. There is no single cause the black sheep phenomenon; oftentimes, it’s a mix of a variety of reasons.

Rejection of Family Views and Values

A black sheep, more often than not, does not believe in nor practice the family views and values. As a result, a rift between them and their family forms. They become alienated. Such situations can be resolved by some understanding and comprise on both sides. However, when both sides are stubborn and refuse to budge, the alienated member will draw farther away from their family. Or it could be that it’s the family who pushes away the member and further alienates them. Thus, the member is dubbed the black sheep.

A classic example of this is when a member deviates from a family tradition. Imagine a family that is deeply religious. They pray and go to church regularly. The parents strictly enforce the conduct expected of the religious members. One family member rejects the religion the family believes in. They refuse to participate in the family’s religious practices. They deviate from the standards set by the family’s religion. As a result, they incur the disapproval and rejection of their family.

Figure 2 | Photo source: Flickr

Rebellious Behavior

When a family member repeatedly exhibits deviant behavior, regardless of the consequences, the family can either help or reject them. Ideally, the family accepts the member and helps them get through their problems. However, at times, some families would rather sweep everything under the rug. Their shame of the situation prevents them from helping the member. When the situation grows worse, the member will retreat further away from their family.

Rebellious or deviant behavior may range from manageable to serious defiance. Dressing differently, breaking minor rules, occasionally disagreeing, or something of that level can be considered manageable. But substance addiction, violence, and criminal behavior must be dealt with very seriously.

Scapegoating

An unfortunate but not unlikely cause of becoming a black sheep is scapegoating. This is when a family pinpoints one member to become the excuse for their dysfunction. In other words, they put the blame on all their insecurities and issues on that one member. More than the member’s behavior, it is the family’s behavior that alienates the member. From the beginning, the family assigns the role of the black sheep to the member through their treatment of the member.

Scapegoating can happen consciously or unconsciously. A couple going through a turbulent time can unconsciously displace the blame of the situation to their child. They become overly critical and strict to the child. They constantly scrutinize the child’s actions and are quick to capitalize on any mistake. When the situation escalates, they’ll start to hold the child culpable to every problem that occurs.

Being a black sheep is a terrible burden. Whether brought about by one’s own actions or by the family’s, it is never pleasant, extremely disheartening, and absolutely sad. Family should be the first to love, accept, and support each other.

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