You may have heard the phrase before: “We teach people how to treat us.” Simply put, how we behave and respond dictates how others act toward us. This gets very tricky when we try to make changes in ourselves and people take offence or friends distance themselves because they don’t like it. This is especially the case when trying to set boundaries. Watching how people in your life respond to your boundaries will tell you very quickly where their loyalty and character lie. It may be painful when you find this out but remember that others will come out of the woodwork that are better, truer people than you imagined- the shift just may be uncomfortable at first.Maybe you are an open book type and you feel free to tell it like it is and rarely get stepped on. Or, if you happen to be a pistol, most people will not push someone with a temper over fear of an upset. But I run into far more people who find it hard to stand their ground and stop being pleasers or saying yes when internally they are screaming no. For myself, it is a constant work in progress to politely decline answering or justifying anything about my life to others.After reading up on boundaries this week, I decided to compile a list of simple things to help me stand my ground. Others who have done the same thing have inspired me and I have echoed some of their thoughts in my own list.*Yours may look different. Remember, it’s called a private life because it’s supposed to be private.12 Things you don’t owe anybody and explanation for:1. Your background.Sure, where you grew up and such is not classified information but personal experiences and family dynamics may very well be, especially if you come from a family with a public profile. A few friends have shared that growing up in small town where everyone knew everyone else's business was especially hard. Most of us are touched by a bit of family scandal. That's just life. You are not 10 anymore. You are here, now. Glancing in the rearview mirror is one thing, but look back too long and you may lose sight of the road you're on.2. Your level of education.Life has all sorts of learning institutions, including the school of hard knocks. Don’t let your value ride on a particular classification or designation.3. Where you choose to live.So many factors go into this one, especially if you are raising a family. I hear a lot that a girl from the coast should find the prairies boring. Well, I don’t. Everything I wanted in raising a family, my city has given me and more.4. Your appearance.Holy smokes, our bodies go through a lot over the lifespan! Sometimes you’re going to look your best and others not. Don’t apologize.5. Your work situation.And certainly not your income. Many think home based work is not work at all. Maybe they don’t understand freelancing. Maybe they think motherhood is a walk in the park. Too bad for them. You don’t need to flesh it out for anybody.6. An apology, if you’re not sorry.We’ve all been accused by someone of something we didn’t do, a strange motive we never even considered because someone had a bad day and you happened to be in the firing line. Walk away or hang up. You don’t need the drama and they don’t care about truth, they’re looking to punish for something that has nothing to do with you.7. Your political views.Of course some love to share these but if you’re not the type that loves a heated debate, that’s your right.8. Your alone time.It’s so precious. And yet, I’ve heard so many pompous talks about why technology or Pinterest or Facebook are a poor use of time. Regardless of what your unwind time entails, it’s yours and your alone. Who’s to say that a game of Scrabble is more worthy than puttering around in your garden?9. Your relationships.I’ve been blessed with atypical friendships my entire life, a yin-yang type of thing. So I’m always surprised when I hear others say, “I’m surprised you two are close. You seem nothing alike!”As for partners, just know the idea that singlehood should always be corrected with a mate is alive and well. Loving being single and having a full life does not seem viable to others. Embracing whatever state you’re in is your prerogative. Don’t let anybody question it or try to convince you to be set up unless you want it.10. What you eat.Your life, your body. Sure, “allergy or preference?” has to be asked at the restaurant but you don’t have to go into it, nor should you be questioned. We have reasons for eating how we do and philosophies and beliefs are often intertwined. I actually don’t want bites of other people’s food and dislike being pressured into trying it with their chopsticks in my face. No thanks.11. What something cost.Your home, your clothing, what you paid at the vet. There are gentle ways of asking these questions if you are fact-finding for yourself, but sometimes it is only nosiness. Last week, my neighbours ram-rodded past my 12 year old at the front door during renovations and began to critique and question everything in my house before I made it to the living room to put out the fire. 'Big-spender vs. the spendthrift' is never going to work. Besides, it's none of their business.12. Your religious/spiritual beliefs/atheism/agnosticismI have saved the best for last because this topic is a sensitive one to most people. Perhaps because it involves judgment, comparison and bearing witness as an edict. Also because anyone who has gone through a transformation in their belief system will likely tell you that what they thought were genuine friendships, disappeared… instantly.It is insulting when anyone assumes you don’t have enough intellect to make the best decisions for yourself and your family. As the Dalai Lama said, “Just because someone is on a different path than you does not mean they are lost.”Tip: Have polite but honest answers ready so you are not flummoxed when you are caught off guard (or are working on assertiveness). It's as simple as:“I appreciate your concern but I’m not up for discussing this”"I'd rather not"“This is a very personal issue for me. If I need to talk, I know where to find you”On a personal note, the most beautiful peace and happiness has come into my life (more than I thought possible) when I started setting boundaries and listening to myself. Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed it took this long but I try to focus on the fact that I am here. I have moved from a prescribed life into a very honest, open-air, ‘trusting where the path leads me’ sort of life. When you shed the exoskeleton of pleasing others, a life that is authentic and true to who you are as an individual opens up and it is a wonderful thing!While this post may resonate the most deeply with introverts, healthy boundaries can benefit everyone. If you do make a list and try it out, I’d love to hear how it goes.Be well my friends,Lorelei* Boom Social, Higher Perspective.
Published on August 01, 2016 08:41
The term comes from the 1944 thriller filmGaslightwhich chronicles the life of a woman whose husband convinces her she is losing her mind. In present day relationship context, it describes being manipulated into questioning your own sanity, despite what you know to be true. Anyone can be the victim of this technique which begins subtly with mind games that play on your limited ability to tolerate vagueness or uncertainty. The goal is to undermine the victim's trust in their own sense of reality, leaving them asking themselves, "What just happened?"If this happens to be going on with someone in your life, it can be baffling. However, once you identify it, the good news is that you can become empowered to act in your own best interest, whatever that may be.Gaslighting has particular stages though they are not always clear-cut and may sometimes overlap. They include:Disbelief, DefenseandDepression.Disbelief: An event occurs that you find strange or illogical. You cannot ascribe meaning to what the other person has said or done, no matter how hard you try.Example: You are passed up for a promotion at work you were all but guaranteed.Defense: This happens when you are put in a position to defend yourself against the manipulation of the other person.Example:You: I was wondering if I could speak with you about not being given the promotion. I’m curious why it went to someone else. The response at my presentation was so positive.Boss: You’re too sensitive.You: I’m still curious about the promotion. Could we talk about it so I know better what to aim for next time? After our chat at the water cooler last week, I was certain the position was mine.Boss: What conversation? I don’t know what you’re talking about.You: You know, last week?Boss: You must be confusing this with something else. I would never talk to an employee about a promotion, even if it was going to be theirs. That never happened. You seem stressed out. Go home and get some rest. You used to be so on top of things.Depression: Once this goes on for a while, you start to feel isolated, cut off and foreign to yourself. You can’t talk to others about the relationship because it has become incomprehensible on many levels and you figure if you don’t understand, nobody else will either. No matter how you try to rationalize or stand up for yourself, you sink lower and lower as if something is wrong with you.Example: (inner dialogue) I should have worked harder, maybe my nerves were showing more than I thought, that guy has only been with the company for two months. I must be losing my edge. I wonder if I’ll even be here much longer at the rate I’m going.Maybe the boss was never going to give you the promotion and only acted like he was. You may never know the true story. But he lead you to believe it was yours and you have suffered a crushing, inexplicable defeat to someone you know to be less qualified, then been lead to believe it was all in your head.In the case of intimate partner relationships, gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse causes victims to disbelieve their own experiences and memories of things that have happened, even in cases of physical harm. The danger in this is numbing the instincts you were born with that protect you and keep you safe. If you dismiss escalating patterns of behaviour, you are actually putting yourself (and possibly others) at serious risk.How to know if you are a victim of gaslighting:-You are constantly second-guessing yourself-You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" frequently-You often feel confused or like you’re losing your mind-You are always apologizing-You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier-You know something is terribly wrong, but you can't put your finger on it- You have trouble making simple decisions- You feel you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed- You feel as though you can't do anything right- You wonder if you are a good enough partner/ son or daughter/employee/ friend- You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explainIf any of these points ring true, consider speaking with a trusted friend or counsellor about your relationship before your sense of self erodes any further. Doing this can re-establish your reality and either help you change the dynamic or get out of the relationship altogether. You are not crazy. You deserve to be surrounded by kind, supportive people who don’t mess with your head to get their way or bring you down. Knowledge is power.As always my friends, be well.LoreleiRelated links:http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/things-wish-known-gaslighting/https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslightedhttp://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=17626.0*Checklist adapted from R. Stern, PhD, Psychology Today, 2009.
