Becky Eldredge's Blog, page 13

Living as Contemplative Leaders in Action: Immerse Yourselves in the World

People dream about moving to a desert island- to “get away” from it all so that they can think.  Others think of retreats in far-away places where no distraction can lure them away from the “work” at hand of meeting and responding to God.  Others want “just a few minutes to myself.”  Sound familiar?

Now, I have been on retreats in far away places and have benefited greatly from entering into the deep silence that can only be found by slowing down and letting go of all the other competing sounds, thoughts and plans I have for my life, ministry, and relationship with God.   And it is true that entering into that deep silence enables me to pay attention and listen- to God’s “small still voice,” and to myself.  These are the privileged moments we experience occasionally…

But that isn’t exactly where most of us live- now, is it?  Becky, in her article on Contemplative Leadership, highlights Ignatius’ mandate to: “Immerse yourselves in the world.” Can this really mean meeting and responding to God right in the middle of my often messy life? Yes.  

In fact, where else? This life- yours, mine and ours- is the focus of God’s activity in our world. If we believe this to be true, and act on it, we are invited to be part of Incarnation in this time and place- again and again.  Jesus came, human, embodied, “one of us, yet humbled still,”(Phil 2:7) and made God present to the world. Jesus made the world -in all its beauty and in all its sorrow- holy.  Even death, our deepest fear on many levels -not just that of our bodies, is shown to be but a passageway to new life, if we immerse our God-touched selves in it.

God has been active and loving in our world from before all time and still continues to mold and shape us and the universe. Teilhard de Chardin understood and articulated creation’s ongoing nature and our implicit call to be part of it beautifully: 

{Creation’s] act is a great continuous movement spread out over the totality of time. It is still going on; incessantly but imperceptibly the world emerges more and more from nothingness.

You and I are invited to be part of this continuous creation and incarnating of God today- wherever, however, whoever we are by similarly entering into the world and allowing God’s holiness to create and sanctify it again and again. How?  

Ignatius and Sacred Scripture give us plenty of help with that question– through our loving attentiveness to it all and through trusting that God is in the world.

In Ignatius’ Principle and Foundation to the Exercises, we read: 

All things in this world are gifts of God, presented to us so that we can know God more easily…For everything has the potential for calling forth in us a deeper response to our life in God.

The first thing to note is that we have nothing to fear from this world- everything has the potential for drawing us to God!  Immerse yourself, you will find God already there!

Paul tells us the same thing:

Do you not know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s spirit dwells in your midst? -1Cor.3:16

We are, and this place is, the holy dwelling place of God.  (A temple, no less!)

As Paul told the Athenians: 

God is indeed not far from any one of us. For in [God] we live and move and have our being. -Acts 17:27b-28

We ourselves and our surroundings (i.e. our world) are where God is to be encountered. 

In Haggai we have another directive:

Be strong, and work!  For I am with you… My spirit is in your midst, do not fear.  –Haggai 2:4-5

Ignatius and the Scriptures seem to take for granted that once we  have immersed ourselves in this world, and experienced God there, we  will know what to do. We will see what the needs are and God will be there with us  as we  discern our  response.  

But first we must love it, as God loves it.(!)

The answer to “how?” is simply, profoundly, to be lovingly attentive to God’s world and all that fills it.

At the end of the Exercises, The Contemplation to Attain Love brings us back to where we began- to realize that God dwells and is lovingly involved in everything- not just in any beginning, but in continuing to work and labor, to sustain and reveal God’s self through all things.

Ignatius offers us a picture of a God who is lovingly involved in every nook and cranny of creation, indeed in every detail of my own life. (Contemplation to Attain Love, Ian Tomlinson, SJ -cf. full article referenced below in Going Deeper)

It is no wonder, then,  that Ignatius formed contemplative leaders by teaching them to “immerse themselves in the world.” We will meet God there.  It is God’s universe and God fills every little bit of it.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning knew it.

“Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God,
But only [the ones who see takes off their shoes];
The rest sit round and pluck blackberries.”

 

Go Deeper:

Poetry – e.g. of Mary Oliver, Gerard Manley Hopkins, David Whyte, Rainier Maria Rilke, Rabindranath TagoreListen to and pray with Carrie Newcomer’s Every Little Bit of It . Consider praying The Contemplation to Attain Love (theway.org.uk)

Photo by Anna Dziubinska on unsplash.com 

 

Living as Contemplative Leaders in Action: Following Jesus, Our Model

Doing it Ourselves.

Nowadays everyone knows the acronym DIY. Need an effective window cleaner? DIY. Challenged by a stubborn stain? DIY. Don’t know how to prepare spaghetti squash? DIY. Can’t figure out how to change the battery in the key fob? DIY. Need a Halloween costume? DIY. There are literally hundreds of solutions to each of these small (and not so small) problems.

Sometimes we succeed when we do it ourselves. At other times we feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped. We say no to DIY. We call an expert or we venture out to buy the ready-made option. 

Sadly, there aren’t any five-minute YouTube videos for the big challenges that we face in life. Need a career change? Challenged by family disharmony? Don’t know why life feels empty? Angry? Unforgiving?

Asking the expert.

Why not ask the expert?  Why not go to Jesus instead of clinging to a DIY mentality? How can we engage in prayer so that we have an encounter with Jesus, bringing our questions and challenges to him? David Fleming, SJ explains that contemplative prayer is the key, “following Jesus is the business of our lives. To follow him we must know him, and we get to know him through our imagination.” In my own life, I find imaginative prayer is a powerful tool to help me get to know Jesus and to know how to follow him and to lead like him.

The first step of contemplative prayer is to turn to Scripture. Let’s use Luke 7:36-50 as an example. We see a weary woman enter a Pharisee’s home, uninvited. The Pharisee and his guests stare at her, their mouths gaping. How dare she! And then, without hesitation, she walks right up to Jesus, kneels at his feet, and crying, begins to wash his feet with her tears.

All eyes are on her. The Pharisee and his guests sit in shocked silence, but the Pharisee’s thoughts are made known…“If this man were a prophet, he would know who and what sort of woman this is…that she is a sinner.”

Then Jesus begins with a rhetorical question:

“Two people were in debt to a certain creditor; one owed five hundred days’ wages and the other owed fifty. Since they were unable to repay the debt, he forgave it for both. Which of them will love him more?” Simon said in reply, “The one, I suppose, whose larger debt was forgiven.” He said to him, “You have judged rightly.” Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? When I entered your house, you did not give me water for my feet, but she has bathed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but she has not ceased kissing my feet since the time I entered. You did not anoint my head with oil, but she anointed my feet with ointment. So I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; hence, she has shown great love.”…[Jesus] said to her, “Your sins are forgiven..Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

We smell the costly oil that anoints Jesus’s feet. We hold our breath, afraid for the woman because we feel the tension in the room. We imagine the softness of her hair as she dries Jesus’s feet. We hear Jesus boldly proclaim “your sins are forgiven.” We breathe a sigh of relief as we hear Jesus say to the woman, “Your faith has saved you.” We ask ourselves, what would Jesus say to me?  

Knowing Jesus. 

Imaginative prayer is one way that we come to know Jesus. The words Jesus uses are for our ears. Jesus’s gentle, non-judgmental ways are for us too. We know Jesus. His love is constant and consistent. He is for us. We are for him. 

Following Jesus.

We are called to go out and spread the Gospel. Knowing Jesus strengthens us for our role to lead as Jesus led.

Like Jesus’s apostles, we are all uniquely gifted. Each of us is called to use his or her God-given talents to proclaim the Kingdom. We rely on Jesus for direction. We ask for the grace to hear Jesus so that we might be ready and willing to follow him.

The following questions can help us to know where Jesus calls us. 

Pray, reflect, and journal:

What are my gifts?Where am I needed?Who needs me?When should I begin?

Finally, we need to remember that it is not how much we do. It is how we do it. Returning to our story of the woman who bathed Jesus’s feet, we see that she brought her gifts to Jesus. She saw a need and she immersed herself in the task of caring for Jesus. The woman in the story illustrates the value of using our gifts, however small, to follow Jesus. She is a shining example for us. As St. Mother Teresa said, “Not all of us can do great things. But we can all do small things with great love.”

 

 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on unsplash.com

Living as Contemplative Leaders in Action: Our Family Examen

St. Ignatius believed the Examen was a gift from God. This 500-year-old prayer tool is available to all of us- religious and lay, young and old, male and female. In our family, we have even created our own version of the Examen, making this gift from God accessible to all of us.

Each night before the kids go to bed we pray together as a family. We have our prayer routine in place- the six of us gather in our boy’s bedroom, the boys all in their beds, our daughter on the rug, my husband in the chair, and I sit on our middle son’s bed. My husband says our rote prayer, which has been adapted from this book. Next, I offer a review of the day to help our younger two remember what happened and we all think about our day. Then, we take turns thanking God for our favorite parts of the day, naming what we did well, and once they are in second grade, what we can do better. After each person is finished another family member will offer a prayer.

For example, our bedtime family prayer looks something like this:

My husband says our rote bedtime prayer.I offer a broad review of the day to help us remember what happened.   We take turns praying. “Thank you, God, my favorite part of the day was P.E. and playing outside. I did well on my math test today. I can do better at not complaining about dinner.”After this prayer, another member of the family offers a prayer. “Thank you, God, for letting (name) enjoy P.E. and playing outside, and thank you for letting him do well on his math test. Please help him do a better job of not complaining about dinner tomorrow.”We continue this until everyone has had a turn.

Most nights, our prayer ritual goes as well as we can expect with four little ones. Some nights, though, someone won’t listen, or someone will say something silly to cause everyone to giggle. On these less-than-ideal nights, I often wonder why we even bother trying to pray as a family. Maybe this has happened in your family, too? But, in God’s great timing, these harder nights are usually followed by a moment of joy. 

The following night, someone may be visibly excited to thank God for their favorite part of the day, telling us about gymnastics or what happened at recess.  Or they may beam with pride from getting a perfect score on a hard test and thank God for doing well and getting an A. Sometimes we can even see the sorrow in their faces when they pray to do a better job of listening at school, knowing they really want to do better. 

It wasn’t until recently in my own prayer time, though, that I humbly realized our kids can excitedly thank God, beam with pride, and truly want to do better because my husband and I have modeled this prayer for them time and time again. Just as I was taught about the Examen and shown how to pray this prayer in college, and on several retreats since, we are teaching them and modeling for them how to reflectively pray about their day. Our kids know they can bring all the different parts of their day to God in prayer because we are teaching them God is with them in their daily lives.

Our kids know they can excitedly thank God for their favorite part of the day being their chosen sport, piano, or playing with friends because they have seen my husband and me excitedly thank God for good conversation with friends, playing rugby, or going to the park as a family. They can beam with pride as they thank God for doing well on a test, learning the rest of the song, or winning the game because they have seen my husband and me proudly thank God for doing well on a big project at work or successfully cooking something new for dinner. Our kids can truly want to do a better job of listening to their teacher or being more respectful to us because they have seen us pray to do better at staying off our phones, folding the giant pile of laundry, or being more patient with them. 

The Examen truly is a gift from God. It helps us to see our day as God sees it and it helps us reflect with God on all the moments of our day, not just the ones we feel are “good” enough for God. The Examen helps me remember that even when I mess up, or experience a moment of desolation, that God still loves me and offers me mercy. The Examen has also helped me be more aware of and appreciate the moments of consolation and joy in my everyday life. The practice of reflecting on my day and seeing the day as God sees, with gratitude, has helped me notice and savor the moments of joy, goodness, and kindness I see in myself and in my family.

 

Go Deeper:

Learn more about the Examen on our prayer resource page.Read more about the Examen in Jim Manney’s book A Simple Life Changing Prayer.Pray with a guided Examen from Mark Thibodeaux’s Reimagining the Ignatian Examen.Join us for our virtual cohort of Naming the Real: Stepping Forward in Hope, an Ignatian guided retreat for small groups to prayerfully process the pandemic and all the complexities of life. More information is available here.

 

Living as Contemplative Leaders in Action: Communal Discernment

Three kids, a pandemic, and nearing the “late thirties” stage of not-so-young adulthood… Suddenly, shopping is not as fun as it used to be. Fall has brought a few occasions that require me to ditch my uniform of mom jeans and Ann Taylor Loft T-shirts. The most important of these is my sister’s long-delayed wedding celebration. In the midst of back to school preparations for the kids, my own work schedule, and my husband’s promotion at work, I snuck in a few quick shopping trips.  I  frantically grabbed anything off the rack that might fit me (or the color scheme for the wedding). Everything turned out to be a bad shape, the wrong size, or an unflattering cut. No matter where I looked, I could not find the right fit. I felt discouraged and hopeless. 

It was time for a serious intervention. No more quick browsing when I had an extra 30 minutes between obligations. Enough of the ordering things online that end up looking nothing like the pictures when they arrive. I was done with the picked over racks in a near-empty mall. My best friend and I blocked out an entire afternoon. We left our kids with babysitters and drove 30 minutes away to a bigger, better stocked shopping center. We were committed and we were not leaving without a dress. We spent 4 hours and I tried on dozens of dresses in two stores.  I actually ended up buying the first thing I saw when I walked in the door. What did this experience tell me about Ignatian discernment?

I realized how many similarities there are between a successful shopping trip and the process of prayerful decision making with the Lord. These tools can assist us during an individual discernment that affects our families or livelihoods (a move, a career change, a new ministry opportunity) or a communal discernment that involves more stakeholders. In healthy ministry settings, leaders use these and other techniques to truly listen to the needs of the people involved and assess the gifts and limitations of the staff and volunteers in order to better discern where God might be revealing a response.

So my rules for buying an important dress OR making a major discernment in life…

1. A Dedicated Time
When faced with an important decision, it is important to set aside time to allow the key questions to emerge. Oftentimes I find myself “reacting” and grabbing at whatever solutions seem to be available, rather than taking the time to step back and think about what I really want or what my family really needs. By not allowing proper time, I limit myself to whatever ill-fitting dress is on the discount rack rather than choosing what truly works best for me. 

2. A Safe Place
The pandemic exacerbated a general feeling of “never being alone” and constantly having my kids hanging on me and clamouring for attention. As I tried to fit dress shopping into our busy schedule, I was only focused on the outcome of getting a dress quickly and cheaply. I did not have the space to process my dissatisfaction with what I was seeing in the mirror or frustrations regarding the lack of options in the stores. In discernment, we require a “space” where we can allow ourselves grief, disappointment, joy, and apprehension. Sometimes our physical space helps facilitate mental and spiritual space. These can include going on a weekend or week-long retreat, taking a day off for recollection and rest,  or just allowing a set time for prayer each day. These types of “safe spaces” make it easier to recognize the voice of God communicating to us. 

3. A Companion You Trust
A friend, spiritual director, therapist, or mentor can provide companionship that encourages honest discernment. Oftentimes we are so close to the situation that we either struggle to see clearly what is going on, or encounter resistance to accept the truth in some way. This compassionate listener can be one part of creating a safe environment for discernment. A companion raises questions, reflects back emotions, points out assumptions, and offers support. These individuals offer a sense that “we are not alone” or a reassurance that even if we fail, we are loved. 

4. A Clear Mirror
When I finally showed my friend the very first dress I saw, she stared at me in disbelief. “It’s perfect. How did you not see it was perfect? It looks exactly like you.” As I tried on dress after dress, I had begun to doubt what I saw in the mirror. My perception had become warped by disappointment and self-doubt. I did not trust that beauty was reflecting back at me, I only saw the lumps and rolls. My friend provided the encouragement I needed to both make a decision, as well as reconnect with my own instincts. 

Sometimes we sense that deep down, we have the answers we seek, but we need to wade through the emotions, doubts, and fears in order to arrive at a conclusion. The Ignatian way of discernment can provide helpful tools to break through those barriers, see more clearly, and take a step forward with greater trust in God. In A Friendship Like No Other, William Barry, SJ describes that as we discern with God, “we allow the Spirit to transform us into people who are more like the images of God we are created to be—that is, more like Jesus, who was clearly a contemplative in action.” The Gospels show us example after example of Jesus as a leader who listens to people, hears their fears and concerns, and moves them towards greater life. 

Each day, we are presented with similar opportunities to listen to God’s unique way of speaking to us as leaders in our families and work. The setting could be anywhere: a Board of Directors meeting for a non-profit, the spiritual direction room on a silent retreat, a Zoom screen, a playdate at the park, a department store fitting room.

 

Go Deeper:

Learn more about St. Ignatius and Contemplative Leadership here. Be inspired by Stephanie Clouatre Davis as she tackles her own discernment.

 

 

Living as Contemplative Leaders in Action: Naming the Real

There are certain conversations with people that stay with you for years after they occur.  There is a conversation I remember having in July 2014 with an older ministry colleague that remains with me and serves as continued fuel for my “yes” to my call.   

The conversation happened at a ministry meeting focused on how to reach and include young adults in our faith communities.  The gathering discerning this question held people of all ages and for the first part of the meeting we began with naming the real of what we were noticing.  As a young adult participant in this meeting, this topic was near and dear to my heart. In me was a passion to speak up and share not only the longings of my heart, but also to be an advocate for my peers. 

 At one point an older ministry colleague who I learned was not an advocate for seeking to reach younger people in any way spoke up and said, “Why does it even matter if we reach young adults or not?  What do they have to offer to us? They aren’t in leadership anywhere anyway.”  I have no doubt my face turned beet red as I tried to control the anger that welled up inside me.  I could not get words to come out of my mouth because my insides were literally shaking as names and faces of my peers both in leadership in ministry and in their professions scrolled through my mind.  The dozens of conversations with them about their desire to incorporate faith in their daily lives and their leadership flooded my thoughts.  Thankfully, the meeting closed out for the day shortly after his comment and we went home for the evening before regathering again the next morning.  

I drove home with holy fire in my chest, that hot holy fire that illuminates a core value or a deep knowing that has been rubbed against. I talked out loud to God the entire way home.  “How can someone say this?  How does he not see?  How can I show him what I know to be true?”  My conversation continued with God as I pulled into my driveway and walked into my house.  I flung my purse on the table, and as I did, my keys fell out on top of the newspaper.  My eyes caught a headline:  Top 40 Under 40 Announced.  

I quickly grabbed the paper and began scanning the list of business women and men under the age of forty who were recognized for the award this year.  Tears began pouring down my face as I read the roles these young adults held…Senator, Superintendent of the School District, Doctor, Owner of a Business, Non-Profit Executive Director, Social Justice Advocate.  Here in my hands was the concrete evidence of why it mattered to me that young adults are reached in our faith communities.  These women and men were in decision making and leadership positions.  They impacted and influenced thousands of lives.  I wanted them to know Jesus.  I wanted them to know the tools of discernment and prayer.  I yearned for them to be contemplative leaders.

In the Apostolic preferences named by the Jesuits the first preference is named as:  “To show people the way to God through the Spiritual Exercises, prayer and discernment.”  The other three preferences are tied to walking with the excluded, journeying with youth, and care of our common home. In Father General Arturo Sosa SJ’s letter about the apostolic preferences, he mentioned that when the Holy Father confirmed the preferences said: 

“the first preference is crucial because it presupposes as a basic condition the Jesuit’s relationship with the Lord in a personal and communal life of prayer and discernment.” And he added: “Without this prayerful attitude the other preferences will not bear fruit.”

Pope Francis’ words capture the fire that was in my heart that day at the ministry gathering.  It matters that young adults know how to pray and discern.  It matters that adults of all ages know how to pray and discern.  It matters that our leaders know how to pray and discern.  When we have found a pathway to God through prayer and discernment, our hearts are changed and transformed. Our hearts, minds, and eyes are expanded to see beyond the one towards the all.  We are invited outside of ourselves. We are invited to see and name the real around us in the world.  We are sent forth to be the hands of feet of Christ in the world today.  We are called to be heralds of hope.     

That conversation from years ago remains with me.  It serves often as fuel for my passion to teach people to know God and to know the tools of prayer and discernment.  As I look at the world today, I feel a strong urge to help form and call forth contemplative leaders in the many facets of our lives. 

This next series will focus on several qualities of Contemplative Leaders based on an article I wrote for Ignatianspirituality.com last year.  As we move together through this series, I invite each of us to prayerfully discern, how are we being invited to contemplative leadership today?

 

Go Deeper:

Part of being a contemplative leader is action. Read more about faith in action on our resource page here.Read another article by Becky about being a Contemplative in Action here.Consider praying with The Beatitudes.

Photo by Naassom Azevedo on Unsplash

 

My Ignatian Moment: Humility for the Greater Glory of God

“Humility” is rooted in the Latin word, “humus”, in earth, soil, and ground. Although occasions of humiliation can lead to feeling ashamed, perhaps it is more helpful to reframe those experiences as opportunities to cultivate the virtue of humility.  Tending to the roots of our being, we become grounded in the source of who and whose we are, a beloved child of God, growing confidence in who we were created and called to be.

In the beginning of Chapter VII, The Autobiography of St. Ignatius, St. Ignatius recalls:

He left for Paris on foot and alone, and, according to his own reckoning, arrived there toward the beginning of February, 1528. … At Paris he lived with some Spaniards, and attended the lectures given at the College of Montaigu. As he had been advanced too rapidly to the higher studies, he returned to those of a lower grade, because he felt that in great part he lacked the proper groundwork. He therefore studied in a class with children. 

This back-to-school moment was not the first time that the pilgrim (as St. Ignatius referred to himself) needed humility. Six and a half years after being hit by a cannonball at Pamplona, he was well into his journey toward “the great things he would do for the greater glory of God.” (cf. Chapter II)  Grounded in his call St. Ignatius’ desire to serve God never waned despite many detours, health crises, false starts, insufficient education, the Inquisition, and imprisonment. He felt that probation restrictions placed on him after prison were “preventing him from helping his neighbor” (cf. Chapter VI), prompting pursuit of additional studies.

I’ve started over more than once in the pilgrimage of my own life.  A mid-career transition from process development to consumer research required learning how to listen to people’s experiences and translate them into design criteria to guide product development. My move into ministry drew on project management and communications skills developed at Procter & Gamble. I also discovered some corporate habits that no longer served me well. 

Faced with limited ministerial resources (time, people, money), I had to grapple with what reasonable expectations were for myself and coworkers. I learned through practice that Ignatian “magis” doesn’t mean doing more activities, rather, how to choose between good options for the “greater good” of our mission. I was learning to discern what was more grounded in God. 

Those familiar with Jesuit pedagogy know that “Open to Growth” is listed as the first among five qualities educators strive to impart to students, cultivating a joy and capacity for lifelong learning.  Whether engineer or minister, others have encouraged me to learn new things, especially when working at the limits of my competence compared to a project’s needs. Sometimes it’s just a simple spark of curiosity that moves me to pursue a new interest. 

A growing edge is learning to let go of a sense of responsibility to care for everything that comes my way. The greater glory of God is generally not best served by running myself ragged –  “the glory of God is a human person fully alive!”  (St. Irenaeus, bishop and theologian c.185 AD).  As a capable woman able to juggle priorities, I sometimes fall into the “I can handle it” trap. Predictably, I become frustrated with others and angry with myself for overcommitting.

Part of cultivating humility is to become re-grounded in who I am, with all my gifts, strengths and limitations, prayerfully asking, are all these activities mine to do, consistent with the call I am living into at this time, or are others better suited?  When clear that the tasks are mine, a follow-up question is, am I equipped to do them well, or would additional training be helpful?  Focused on the mission, taking on “beginner’s mind” as our Zen Buddhist friends might recommend is not an issue. Freed from ego worries, I am eager and available for learning.

As you reflect on your own life, where might God be inviting you to cultivate the virtue of humility?  What helps you become re-grounded, strengthening your roots that will support producing more good fruit?  Further education is only one source of enrichment.  Turning over your compost pile of life experiences can also release rich insights for growth.

Lately I’ve been contemplating: just because I would enjoy the work being offered, and I would do it well, do I have sufficient understanding of local culture, norms and expectations?  Additional education might not be the answer. Is there a community member to partner with? Or even better, might I step aside and encourage someone else, taking delight in the glory of God lighting up another person!

 

 

Going Deeper:

In his article, The Magnanimity and Humility of St. Ignatius Loyola, P. Bracy Bersnak observes that” humility, far from being opposed to magnanimity (doing great deeds and seeking great honors), serves to temper it, because humility makes us recognize the great gifts that God has given to others.”Pray with Sr. Joyce Rupp, O.S.M. as she reflects:  “Each autumn I now seek inspiration from those dying leaves gathering in ever deeper layers on the ground. As the trees let go of what enabled them to sip of the nourishing rays of summer sun, their falling leaves will eventually become a rich humus to nourish spring’s greening growth. If I stay open to the inner and outer changes that naturally arise … my life can be a nourishing source for personal and world transformation. I hope the same for you.”

Photo by Nikola Jovanovic on Unsplash

 

My Ignatian Moment: Searching for Our Umbrella

While the baby and I play in the sand, the older kids ride wave after wave into the shore on their boogie boards. My husband stands guard in the shallow water. He shows them and my niece how to watch the waves approach, let the small ones pass, and then ride into shore on the stronger currents. Over and over again, all afternoon. They swim out, wait, and “catch” the waves. 

Every so often, they stand on the sand, their eyes dart around, scanning over the various multicolored umbrellas and E-Z ups. They take in the man pulling a wheeled ice cream cart; pass over the family fully dressed and opening sand toys from a package; ignore the teenagers who brought their puppy to see the ocean for the first time. They are seeking out our “set-up” in the collage of umbrellas and towels dotting the beach. Sometimes they need a drink of water, or just to wipe the sand out of their eyes. They race over to this temporary home just long enough to satisfy their immediate needs. And then the ocean calls them back. 

How could this beach umbrella really be an Ignatian moment? 

Although St. Ignatius of Loyola became a masterful expert in discernment, he did not start out that way. His youth was filled with self-serving choices and his “home base” was not God. As he went out into the world, fought in battles, and cavorted with other soldiers and courtiers, the truth he returned to was the honor and glory of his family and his country. The truth he continued to seek was his OWN comfort, pride, and success. 

After his conversion experience while convalescing in the castle at Loyola, he was energized and ready to give his life over to God. On the road to Jerusalem, he had a disagreement with a Moor over key matters of theology regarding the Virgin Mary. Filled with righteous indignation, Ignatius’s first instinct is to defend Mary’s honor at all cost. Our newly converted Ignatius was considering murdering the Moor over this disagreement. Unsure whether this was TRULY what God was calling him to do, Igntatius let the donkey walking ahead of him make the decision for him. If the donkey took the same route as the Moor, then Ignatius would follow and kill the man. Thankfully, the donkey took the path towards Jerusalem and Ignatius continued on his way.

Instead of relying on the insights in prayerful decision making that God had already begun to reveal to him, Ignatius demanded that God “send a sign” that he was doing the right thing. How often have I done the same thing? When I demand that God send a quick answer, I ignore the voice of God that has already been murmuring in my ear. I block out the invitation to trust, and allow fear to be amplified. I allow the doubt to become a cycle that feeds itself.

My donkey is fear and indecision.  I allow the fear to drive me where it wants to take me. I become caught up in its energy. Once exhausted, I abdicate control. The donkey tramples over grace, barreling through the path God had already prepared for me. The past 18 months of global pandemic has only increased the cycle of doubts. I revisit decisions already made. What instincts can I trust? Did I make the right decision? Hindsight is not 20/20 right now. In hindsight, I find more reasons to doubt myself. 

I am like my children, standing on the sand looking for the right umbrella.  In discernment, I stop and look around me. I take in the cacophony of distractions.  I remind myself of where I have been and where I am trying to go. I retrace my own steps.  God has also come down to the beach. God has set up God’s umbrella, and brought cool water and snacks.

Will I sit down and enjoy this time with God?

 

Going Deeper:

Consider praying with John 21:1-14 //Jesus appears to the disciples on the beachGet in touch with how God speaks to you.  Listen for how God might be inviting you to take a step towards greater love.

Photo by Herson Rodriguez on Unsplash

 

My Ignatian Moment: A Change of Heart in the Cave

“Ms. Knobbe, you look the same, but your heart is different.”

These were the words from one of my students when I returned from my first encounter with the Spiritual Exercises. A profound transformation had taken place in me during those 30 days of silence. As I returned to campus, I felt like I had emerged from a dark place, and my heart was filled with light again – and my student noticed. I don’t know exactly what he saw in me from the outside, but he was absolutely right about the change I had experienced on the inside. I was the same person, but my heart was different.  

For nearly 10 months, St. Ignatius lived in a tiny cave just outside the town of Manresa, Spain where his insights and encounters with God became the foundation for the Spiritual Exercises.  After leaving his former life behind and relinquishing his sword, St. Ignatius immersed himself in a life of prayer and service. In the darkness of the cave, he learned to listen for the sound of God’s voice. 

When I first decided to complete the Spiritual Exercises, I was tired and exhausted. It had been an incredibly challenging year, and I had a lot of doubts about my abilities as a minister. I reached out to a colleague in our Human Resources department for some advice. I was ready to quit, and to be honest, she was not exactly helpful. The night before I left on retreat, my best friend and I went out for dinner. We raised a toast “to Erin from HR” with the hope that my time away would provide some much-needed clarity. 

Looking back now, I ask myself, “where was my heart?” 

A broken heart. Sometimes grief isn’t the result of an unexpected death, but the accumulation of a series of small losses. I had been through a tremendous season of growth, which involved a lot of letting go. I missed the tight bond of community that I had with my graduate school classmates. Our monthly women’s prayer group disbanded after several members moved away to pursue new jobs and relationships. Most significantly, my boss – the mentor who had taught me so much about ministry – had been assigned to a new parish. My heart ached for the people who knew me well and had supported me through my early years of ministry. 

Hardness of heart. It’s no exaggeration that I was also on the verge of physical and emotional burnout. I was surrounded by people at work who were relentlessly critical, and I had started taking everything personally. I found myself reluctant to forgive and unwilling to overlook other’s mistakes. I started skipping my exercise routine, short-changing time spent in prayer, and I was too exhausted to make time for the things that brought me joy. 

When our hearts are hardened we become fearful and forgetful. We forget how much God loves us! We are suspicious and afraid of those who wish to reveal God’s goodness to us. Our inability to forgive can fester and quickly turn to bitterness and resentment. My heart was becoming closed off to God’s presence, and I knew something needed to change.

For followers of St. Ignatius, the cave is a metaphor for periods of formation, training, and the source of our call. Imagine those seasons of life where you have experienced significant growth. The cave could be a defined period of time, like the college years. It could also encompass a particular season in life, like welcoming a child or adjusting to retirement. The pandemic has been a sort of cave for many of us. Whether expected or unexpected, the cave is where God reveals God’s self to us, transforming us, and calling us to follow. 

My encounter with the long-retreat of the Spiritual Exercises was one such cave. It was there on the shores of Eastern Point Retreat House where I experienced the gentle, healing touch of Jesus. As the psalmist writes, “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18) I experienced so many graces on retreat, and even years later, I continue to draw upon that time as a source of consolation.  

There are 3 movements of the heart that I experienced in a profound way: 

I encountered God’s love and the intimacy of being known by God. Much of this came during uninterrupted time in prayer, relishing long walks along the ocean, perusing local artist shops, meditating on scripture, and lingering over early morning coffee while watching the sunrise. Where have you encountered God’s love? I experienced God’s healing. Jesus truly began to soften my heart after being hardened by years of transition and in response to many changes that were beyond my control. I experienced many layers of forgiveness and a genuine desire to extend that forgiveness to others. Where is your heart in need of God’s healing?   I discovered a newfound freedom and desire to share God’s love with others. In praying through the life of Jesus, I heard God’s call to throw my nets out into deep water, to not be afraid of rejection, and to care for those on the margins – all of which helped me understand my own call to follow in Jesus’ footsteps as a missionary disciple. How are you called to share God’s love with others? 

On the last day, one of our retreat directors shared this prayer by St. Claude La Colombiere, S.J., It summarizes my gratitude for the experience in the cave and the transformative experience when we allow God to touch our hearts. 

Give Us New Hearts

O God, what will you do to conquer 

the fearful hardness of our hearts? 

Lord, you must give us new hearts, 

tender hearts, sensitive hearts, 

to replace hearts that are made of marble and of bronze.

You must give us your own Heart, Jesus. 

Come, lovable Heart of Jesus. 

Place your Heart deep in the center of our hearts 

and enkindle in each heart a flame of love 

as strong, as great, as the sum of all the reasons 

that I have for loving you, my God.

O holy Heart of Jesus, dwell hidden in my heart, 

so that I may live only in you and only for you, 

so that, in the end, I may live with you eternally in heaven. 

Amen.

 

 

Going Deeper:

Read more from Pope Francis on Hardness of Heart. Consider praying with the following scriptures:Ezekiel 36:26-28 – “I will give you a new heart” Mark 6:30-32 – “Come away and rest a while” 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you” Learn more about the Spiritual Exercises in everyday life

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

 

My Ignatian Moment: Laying Down the Sword

I remember so clearly how the chapel looked back then. It was kinda tiny – a little sliver of a thing parked between two bigger parts of the high school campus. One of the long sides of the narrow rectangular room bordered the library where the Campus Ministry office was housed. The other long side was an accordion wall that bordered the cafeteria and folded up when we needed to expand the space for a school mass.

That particular afternoon, the accordion wall was flattened out and locked and the lights in the chapel were out. I walked in the door blinking from the bright Louisiana sun and sat down in the darkness letting the narrow room hug me tight like an old friend. In my two years teaching at the school, I had visited this small space many times alongside colleagues and students to set up or orchestrate one Campus Ministry event or another, but that afternoon was the first time I can remember coming to it alone to just be with God. Ok, not just be… truth is, I walked in with an agenda. I had an urgent question to ask, and I knew I could not leave that chapel without an answer. So as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I whispered into the quiet space: “So, God, do I stay or do I go?”

I had a habit of visiting darkened chapels for answers to questions like this back in those days. There was something about being alone in the dark with God so visibly present before me. I would sit or kneel with my hands empty and outstretched, allowing my brain and heart to still so I could finally hear what God had to say.

That particular day I was asking God about the contract I clutched tightly in my hand. It was an invitation to serve a third year at the school. I had been teaching math and assisting in Campus Ministry, but the contract was offering me a unique opportunity to dedicate all my time to Campus Ministry. Signing it meant I would get to live and breathe ministry without any other obligations vying for my time. Signing it meant that I would get to see my first class of students graduate. I would get to help them through their senior year with all its ups and downs and see what incredible things they brought to life both inside and outside of the classroom. 

Not signing it meant I had no idea where I was going next. Not signing it meant I was letting go of the only job offer I had at the time. It also meant I had to say goodbye to my students right after I had just pumped them up with excitement about what the next year in ministry would have to offer. But not signing it also meant that I was paying attention to the desolation I was feeling when I imagined staying. I really didn’t understand the desolation at the time. First of all, I had never heard of the word desolation. Secondly, the feelings I was having just didn’t make sense. Afterall, I loved the school. I had friends in Baton Rouge. I felt connected to the place. Still, everytime I imagined signing the contract, I felt anxiety, trepidation, and unexplained sadness leaking in. 

This was before I knew anything about St. Ignatius, consolation or desolation, paying attention to the movements in my heart. So, I didn’t know that I was feeling desolate. I just knew that I wasn’t putting pen to paper for some reason, and I needed God to tell me once and for all if I should stay or go. I needed God to tell me if I should lay down something that I loved. I loved ministry. I had no confirmation that I would ever be able to work in ministry again if I laid this contract down and that scared me. I wish I had known about Ignatian Discernment then, maybe it wouldn’t have taken me weeks to decide. Maybe I would have understood what my heart was feeling. Maybe I wouldn’t have waited beyond the absolute last possible moment to figure out what to do with the contract I held (it was a couple weeks late at that point).

But I didn’t. Back then I didn’t have the tools for discernment I have today. So, I went to a chapel, and I sat in the dark, and I waited for God’s grace to answer my question. 

After I left the chapel that day, I walked into my principal’s office and laid down the unsigned contract on his desk. I wasn’t exactly sure what propelled me to do that at that precise moment, but when I had walked out of the chapel into the Louisiana sunshine, I just knew I had to do it right then. I walked to the Campus Ministry office next and told the Director I was not coming back. That wasn’t easy. It’s really hard to put into words what I felt when I left school at the end of that day though. It was something akin to an internal peace. Mind you, I still had no job prospects. I didn’t know what I was going to do in a month when my current contract was up, but that visit to the chapel, that time with God had made me realize that I had to lay something down to leave room to eventually pick something even better up. 

This year I start my twentieth year of teaching and my eleventh year as the Director of Campus Ministry at a Jesuit school. It took seven years after I laid that contract down to fully pick back up ministry… but I got there because God knew what God was doing. 

Maybe you think the story ends there. I mean, after all I’m back doing what I love. I’ve been back for a while now. I’ve been given the incredible gift of not only laying something down but picking it back up again (even if it took FOREVER). But the truth is, that day was not the only day I had to lay something down for God. I have had to lay something down every single year of those twenty. Sometimes they are things I get to pick back up again because when I first held them, it just wasn’t time for them yet. However, sometimes they are things I will never touch again because they were meant to be only a fleeting part of my story. That’s okay because I realize now that no one thing is the essence of this epic story God wants to tell with my life.

What is God asking you to lay down? Will you do it even if it means you may never pick it up again? Just imagine what it may free you to pick up instead!

 

 

Going Deeper:

Check out The Magis: An Ignatian Antidote for Burnout for what my desolation turned out to be about at that time. Leaping Into PuddlesNine Reasons to Embrace Ignatian DiscernmentCheck out our NEW resource pages! This page is full of resources on discernment.

Photo by Priscilla du Preez on Unsplash

 

Uncovering the Movement of God

This is a guest post by Andy Otto

One of the most common questions I get in spiritual direction is, “How do I hear God’s voice?” In other words, How do I know what God wants me to do? This is the biggest Godsend of Ignatian spirituality. In the Spiritual Exercises St Ignatius gives us the “Rules for the Discernment of Spirits” and various prayer methods to discern the will of God in our lives. He believed that the Creator dealt directly with the creature. We don’t require a guru or a priest or wisdom figure to tell us what God is saying. We can discern that ourselves because God speaks directly to us. But Ignatius knew God’s voice didn’t come from the clouds; it came from within. Through the movements of our interior, our feelings, emotions, and reactions to various life experiences, God spoke. By paying attention to these ordinary things that are always going on within us, we can begin to notice God inviting us into new places.

While the “Rules for the Discernment of Spirits” are helpful, they’re hard to explain in one spiritual direction session or one blog post. What I believe is most helpful, however, is the daily Examen prayer. We will have a hard time making sense of God’s movements in our feelings unless we examine them and learn from them every day. The guilt I feel working long hours to support my family and not spending enough time with them may come from God (or the “good spirit” as Ignatius calls it), but it may also be coming from the evil spirit. Spending time with my family is important and good, but so is working to support them. I need to bring this feeling of guilt to daily prayer, examine it with God, weigh it against the other ways I care for my family, and then make sense of it.

The Examen, which is simply a prayerful review of your day (an example can be found here), is just one method to help us better come to understand how the good and bad spirits use our feelings and experiences to draw us closer to or away from God. Another important tool is spiritual direction. Sometimes I need an objective outsider to help me sift through my feelings, to help uncover the movement of God I may not initially see. A good director will ask questions which will help me examine my life’s experiences in the light of my relationship with God. He or she can help me explore that feeling of guilt and put it in a spiritual context. I want to be able to ask myself, Is God using this feeling of guilt to communicate something to me? Perhaps, after my own daily reflection on it (in the Examen) and conversations with my spiritual director, I come to an awareness that the guilt I feel about working long hours is actually God inviting me to be creative in ways I can spend more time with my family.

The ordinary moments of life may not seem like something worth bringing to prayer or spiritual direction. They may not seem “religious”, but Ignatius knew that God speaks through those ordinary things in life. Discerning the subtle ways my feelings and life experiences indicate God’s desire for my life is not easy, but patiently taking the time to pray and examine on my own and with a spiritual director, can uncover the movement of God in these plain and ordinary things.

Go Deeper?

 Pray:1 Kings 19:9-14// Listening for God’s voice1 Thessalonians 5:16-18// Pray without CeasingEphesians 6:18-20// Constant PrayerRead:The Prayer of ListeningSaint Ignatius’ version of the ExamenA downloadable Examen prayer cardReimagining the Examen appLearn more about finding a spiritual directorBeginning Something New Watch:Video: Becky Eldredge speaking with Paul Campbell, SJ on the ExamenSeveral audio Examens you can download for free