Kathy L. Salt's Blog, page 10

Dear past self…

It gets better.

Today I ran my fastest kilometer ever and it felt absolutely amazing. As I was feeling the world rush by, I couldn’t help but think back to just four years ago.

I can imagine the girl that I was, 22, run into the ground. When I was 22 I was… sad. I don’t want to say depressed because I never received any diagnosis nor did I seek help for it, but I was numb and completely empty inside. I cried every night. My body continued without me as I got up every day, as I cooked and cleaned, as I took care of my unwell girlfriend, as I listened to my mother cry every single day on the phone, as I worked part time and studied full time, as I counted every penny and knew that even if I cut myself in two and sold half we couldn’t afford food. Hardly rent. So I worked more. More money. Less time. But at least I didn’t have to stare at the tomatoes and cucumber and know that I had to choose. I couldn’t afford both.

And friends? I wasn’t too liked at my uni. We lived in the north and I was from the south. I didn’t speak like them. I didn’t know the area like them. I was isolated on the island we had created, far away from any friends and family. My girlfriend and I. Not really Swedish. We had only been in this country, my country, for two years. And I hated it. I missed Britain. I wished I hadn’t left the country I had lived my whole adult life in.

But at 22 I went back to writing. I had written earlier of course, but between the ages of 19 and 22 I wrote nothing. I didn’t have any words. But suddenly they came back with a vengeance. I wrote to feel something. To find myself again. To find the spark that had been killed as I had lost myself years before.

So I went looking. I went looking for the 17-year-old who had left home, fresh-faced and naive. I didn’t know the girl I had used to be anymore, all I knew was that she had died in Britain. She had died so that I could be born and at 22 I didn’t know who I was yet. I have tried telling people this. But they always say “you’re always so happy” and I guess I was always happy. I had the world on my shoulders and a smile on my lips. I was good at pretending.

I used to feel sorry for myself. Not the 22-year-old me, but the Kathy who was a teenager. The 18-year-old who lived alone in a cold flat in a little British town. No hot water. I boiled water on the stove to wash my clothes in the bathtub. The building I lived in was situated between three pubs and I would lay awake in my bed listening to the roars and shouts of the drunk people downstairs. In the winter my flat was so cold I would go to bed at 6 PM just to get warm again. Double trousers, jumper, cover and blanket. And I learned. I learned to cook, and after the skin fell of my hands I learned not to wash my clothes without plastic gloves.

But at the same time I lost myself.

I wanted to hug little me, and tell her that it’ll be okay and that I’m so sorry she had to die.

But everyone has to grow up sometime.

At 22 I changed. I found writing again, and a friend was nice enough to send me Jae’s Backwards to Oregon. Then several of Gil McKnight’s books. Which introduced me to lesbian fiction.

And I found myself again. My girlfriend stopped sleeping so much. We moved back south and I started studying here instead. I started believing in myself. I started running. I’m asthmatic and sometimes I thought I would die. But I ran. And I wrote. And I read. And I lived.

I don’t live by my past anymore. I don’t need every difficult thing to be a part of my identity and I have restored the connection with the girl I was. And now?

Now I’m married. We have two dogs. I have graduated and I have a wonderful job waiting for me that I’m starting on Monday. And this week I published my first novel.

And today I ran my fastest kilometer ever.

 

Interview

My wonderful friend and fellow bookperson, Madge Whitlin, interviewed me today about State of Emergency and about writing in general.

It’s up on her blog, go check it out!

 

State of Emergency is here a day early!

It’s now available in the kindle store!

Pick up your copy here!

… and they called it puppy love

“Rae?”

The soft voice by her door made Rae lift her head. She had ignored the earlier yells from somewhere in the house, but her homework wasn’t interesting enough to ignore Leone looking at her shyly.

“Can I come in?”

Why are you here? Leone had never visited her room like this before.

 Rae nodded and moved her chair back so there was enough room for Leone to come inside the tiny bedroom. “Of course it is.”

Leone plopped down on her bed so that Rae could put her chair back in front of her desk. She leaned over her homework again; when Leone was ready she would talk. If there was something she had learned during the past year that they had known each other it was that Leone always had something to say. Sometimes it just took a little while for her to get her words out.

“I don’t buy it.”

“What don’t you buy?” Rae didn’t look up from her textbook. School wasn’t her forte and she didn’t really have time for Leone. Not tonight. Not with her finals coming up and Rae being nowhere near ready.

“That you’re some kind of hardcore criminal.”

Rae dropped her pen. Her shoulders tensed up and she closed her eyes, trying to calm her hammering heart. No, please no. Not Leone too. She tried to ignore the ticking time bomb in her head and held her breath.

“What have you heard?” Her own voice sounded strange in her own ears.

“That you robbed a gas station.” Leone sounded doubtful, her voice otherwise completely normal.

 Rae’s heart was beating so hard she was worried that Leone could hear it, but she ignored the need to turn around and see what she assumed was probably disgust in Leone’s eyes. Instead she slid down on the chair, scratched her bare arm subconsciously and ignored the instinct to run a hand through her messy black hair. She wanted to appear confident, not nervous.

“Rae?” Leone implored when Rae still hadn’t answered.

“Huh?” Rae coughed. “Sorry, I was studying.”

 “I shouldn’t bother you, sorry.” Leone got up. “Will I see you later?”

Rae turned around then and looked at her. Little Leone, older than her and still so tiny. With her blond pony-tail and flowery dress two sizes too big she looked even smaller than usual. What she was doing at a home for troubled girls, Rae didn’t know. Leone looked like she couldn’t hurt a fly, even if she tried.

Leone’s cheeks flushed as she waited for Rae to answer.

Say no, Rae. You know it’s the right choice. Come on, you can do it.

But Rae couldn’t. She couldn’t deny Leone any more than she could rip out her own eye. She nodded to Leone curtly.

 “Yes. I’ll be there.”

 Leone smiled, the sides of her mouth hardly being raised at all, but that smile meant everything to Rae. “Good, see you later.”

She stood up and walked across Rae’s bed to get to the door. And then she was gone.

Rae sighed deeply and returned to her textbook.

 

* * *

 

 Later the same night, Rae had pulled on boxer shorts and a tank top and lay down in her bed. Turned off the light. Closed her eyes. When the matron came to inspect, Rae pretended to be fast asleep.

But as soon as Rae had heard her door shut and a key being turned in the lock, she counted.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

When a whole minute was over, she got up. She sat still on the bed for a little while. Just go back to bed, Rae. If you’re caught, you’ll never get out of here. And if you’re caught – Leone will be caught too. Is that what you want?

Rae sighed.  And if Leone knew what thoughts ran through your head when you held her, she would hate you as much as you hate yourself.  She had promised. Even if going back on that promise would be better, the thought of Leone staying awake all night wondering where she was made Rae’s heart ache.

Quick. She got up and grabbed Leone’s hairpin that she had nicked several months ago. She picked the lock on her door and carefully, slowly, pushed i open. Holding her breath and praying that it wouldn’t make a sound. Doors and floors in old houses are notoriously creaky.

 She was finally out of her room, her cell, and she dashed down the corridor on bare feet, quick and stealthy as a ghost. And just as dead inside. She stopped by Leone’s door, picked the lock open and went inside.

 Leone’s room smelled like her, dried flower petals, somehow both sweet and dusty at the same time. As soon as Rae was inside, she gulped down the air, unable to get enough. It was as if she had been drowning and she could finally breathe again.

 She didn’t say anything, and neither did Leone, as Rae lay down next to her. Leone just turned around silently. They looked at each other, the white of their eyes shining in the dark. Then Leone closed her eyes again, turned around and snuggled closer. Rae put her arm around Leone’s waist and drew close, so close that Leone’s bottom was pressed against her pelvis.

It was here, wrapped around Leone, with her heart beating against Leone’s back, their bare legs pressed together that Rae could finally close her eyes and relax. It didn’t mean that she slept. But it didn’t matter. Feeling Leone’s soft breathing and the sleepy noises she made were more than enough.

 

* * *

 

When Leone woke up, she was alone again. It was only the warm feeling in the pit of her stomach and the drawing on her desk that told her that Rae had been there at all. That it hadn’t just been a dream.

Leone got up and walked over to her desk. She always left her notebook open with a pen next to it when she went to bed, and Rae always left a doodle on it. Today that doodle was a black cat with stars for eyes.

 Leone traced the cat with the tip of her finger, feeling blood come to the surface of her cheeks. Why would Rae, dangerous, troubled, unattainable Rae leave her little doodles like this. Or hold her as they slept. It was beyond her understanding.

 Leone got up from her desk and grabbed her shower kit. She had been woken up by the matron unlocking her door – Rae always made sure to lock it again before she left in the early hours of her morning – and she needed to hurry if she would manage to shower before the end of breakfast.

 She hurried to the communal showers, almost running into Rae in ripped jeans and tank top at the door.

“Oh sorry.” But Rae didn’t look at her. Rae never looked at her.

 Leone had been living at the house for only a month when she had been awoken by a sound of somebody breaking into her room. It had been Rae. What she had really been there for, Leone didn’t know. She had just taken one look at Leone’s tear stricken face and then announced that she was there to help her sleep. She had probably been lying, saying anything so that Leone wouldn’t call for the matron, but Leone didn’t care. She had just thankfully buried her face in Rae’s shoulder and revelled in being held by another human for the first time since her mother had died. Since then Rae had returned night after night. They weren’t friends. They hung around with different groups. But during the night, they slept wrapped up in each other.

 Leone stepped in the shower and started washing herself in the freezing water. She didn’t know why Rae came to her. What it meant, or if it meant anything at all. Maybe Rae is just using me, she thought as she worked up a lather on the top of her hair, maybe she’s as starved of human contact as I am.

As Leone dried herself she realised that she didn’t care. Rae was welcome to use her, as much as Leone was using her. The only physical contact I get is from her. Physical contact at the house was strictly forbidden, but that didn’t remove the very human need that probably all the girls had. Or so Leone thought.

 She looked at herself in the mirror while brushing her wet hair. She looked so different from Rae it was almost laughable. She was short and round where Rae was tall and lanky, and she had freckles and slightly pink skin while Rae was very pale. You look like a total dork, Leone. She put her head down, not liking her own reflection.

 

* * *

 

“You got my cigs?” Rae ignored the instinct to kick the boy sitting on the stairs. Useless piece of shit better have them or I will –

He lifted his hand without looking at her, his back to him. Rae grabbed the package and without a word of thanks headed back to her ‘friends’. She used the term loosely.

They were in school and for once Rae had actually tried to pay attention in class. It was her last year, finally, and she didn’t want to screw up in any way. Not when I’m so close to being out of here.

 She approached the group of seniors standing behind the cafeteria like usual. She might have paid attention in class, but there was no way she was not going to relax and enjoy herself during recess.

 She grabbed one of the cigarettes from the package and then threw it to Evan who was standing next to her. They passed the pack through the group, everyone taking one.

 “How did you get the pack? Did you pay him?”

Rae chuckled darkly. “Nope. He put it on my tab.” She grinned. She was going to pay him, she would. But later. When she had money. Belonging to the badass group at the school did have some benefits.

 “Any plans for your graduation?”

 Rae grimaced. “What kind of lame question is that? Of course I don’t. The bitch at the house is just going to be happy that once I turn 18 in August she’s legally allowed to kick me out.” She put the cigarette to her lips and inhaled deeply, then exhaled through her nose, filling the air in front of her with smoke.

 “What are you gonna do after?” A girl with purple hair and a nose piercing named Zoie asked.

 “Fucked if I know.”

 “Hey, isn’t that one of yours?” Evan pointed to a group of girls who had just come around the corner, maybe heading to PE class.

 Rae flicked her head to quickly glance at who it was. Oh fuck. Because of course it was Leone, walking alone with her PE bag slung across her shoulder. Rae’s chest constricted when she took in the easy smile on Leone’s face and how her hair shined in the sunlight. It should be freaking illegal to be so pretty. She cringed inwards at her thoughts. Get a grip, Rae.

“Yeah, she is,” Rae answered quickly. “So what are you -” But she hadn’t been quick enough.

“Hey, you!” Evan called out.

Leone stopped and looked at them, a slight blush filling her cheeks. Her glance fleetingly landed on Rae and their gazes met, but only for half of a second.

“Yes?” She looked at Evan. “What is it?”

“You live at the same place as Rae, right?” Evan punched Rae in the shoulder.

Leone smile was wistful when she nodded. “Yes, I do.”

 Evan grinned and Zoie took a step forward.

“So what did you do? You don’t look the part.” Zoie put the cigarette to her lips again. When she exhaled, the smoke drifted toward Leone.

“Cut it out,” Rae mumbled.

“What do you mean?” Leone’s eyebrows knitted.

“You know,” Evan said. “What you did? What kind of criminal are you?”

Leone’s eyes shone as if they were filling with tears and Rae’s arms started shaking. She noticed to her distress that she had tensed her fists so hard that her nails were digging into her palm.

Leone looked at Rae now, as if expecting her to say something.

“Not everyone at the house is a criminal, you know.” The words were out before Rae could stop them. Her heart beat so hard she worried that the others would hear. “Some of us are just…” she met Leone’s gaze, her own heart sinking. “Some of us are just unwanted.”

 Leone’s smile was completely gone now and the slight colour in her cheeks had been replaced by an almost grey complexion.

I’m sorry, Leone.

“Well,” Leone said. “I have PE so I’m just going to go. See you later, Rae.” She pursed her lips.

“Yeah, later,” Rae mumbled and dropped her cig on the floor. She stepped on it with the heel of her combat boots. She was annoyed with Leone, she was annoyed with Evan and Zoie, and she was annoyed with herself. She didn’t even know what it was about Leone that made her question every word and every action. If it had been anyone else, Rae would have joined her friends in on the tormenting. But with Leone she couldn’t. The thought that Leone had been thrown out the way she had was unbearable. Whatever life had dealt Rae, she had deserved it. But who wouldn’t want Leone?

 

* * *

 

 That same afternoon Leone was sitting by her desk in her room, trying to focus on her homework. It was difficult when her thoughts kept drifting to Rae. Part of her couldn’t believe that Rae had let her friends talk to her that way, and part of her thought it was insane that she even found it puzzling.

What? You thought that you and Rae shared some kind of understanding just because you sleep together at night? Rae is not your friend. You better get it through you head.

Leone shook her head and tried to focus. Okay, so Snorre Sturlason wrote about the vikings because…

Leone and Rae were very different people, that was just something that Leone had to accept. They weren’t friends. They were just two unwanted kids in an unforgiving world.

It was true that Leone hadn’t committed any crimes before being sent to the home, not like some of the girls. She had just had the unfortunate fate of being born into the wrong family. And her parents had succumbed to their addiction three years too early. If they could have just waited a little bit longer before kicking the bucket, Leone could have been of age and gotten to live her own life instead being sent there by well-meaning relatives.

At least you’re not on the streets. Yes, Leone did agree that this was probably better than homelessness.

At least you still get to go to school. Yes, Leone still had every opportunity to get very far in life.

At least you met Rae. No. Leone shook her head. What did it matter that they had met? Rae didn’t care for her in the least.

 A bell from the kitchen rang and Leone closed her book with a frustrated groan. She should have focused instead of thinking about Rae. She needed to, if she was going to have any chance at passing the next exam.

She brushed her hair quickly, the matron hated scruffiness, and headed downstairs. There were quite a lot of people already gathering around the long tables but Leone only had eyes for one person.

I don’t know how she dares, she thought as she looked at Rae’s short, unruly hair and baggy trousers. Not to mention that she smoked, openly. At school. No, Leone didn’t understand Rae at all. And it didn’t matter, she supposed. Rae would be gone in a few months anyway. Then Leone would have to learn to sleep on her own.

 

* * *

 

Rae groaned at the grey slop in the pot and tried to hold her breath as she poured a generous scoop on her plate. She could have skipped dinner but considering she had also skipped lunch it wouldn’t be wise to skip another meal. She held her breath as she walked past the matron; she was pretty sure that the cigarette smell would be quite evident on her but the action was almost involuntary at this point.

She walked down the table looking for a space to sit. Finally she found a free spot on the bench and still she hesitated. She stared at it, unsure what to do. It was only until Leone looked at her, rolled her eyes and turned back to her plate that Rae hesitantly sat down next to her.

She must think that I hate her or something. Good going, Rae.

They ate in silence despite the cheerful talk going on around them. Leone seemed to be ignoring her, but Rae couldn’t do the same. Whenever Leone was near, it was as if Rae’s brain short circuited. She couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe.

“Rae Steen!” The matron came out of nowhere and a heavy hand was put on Rae’s shoulder. “A word, if you please?”

Now what? Rae’s heart started pounding like a captive bird but she faked calmness as she put her fork down and started to get up.

“Why?” All of a sudden Leone spoke up. “Is she in trouble?”

  Leone looked at her and her eyes were filled with so much concern and sympathy that Rae felt sick. She didn’t deserve Leone’s affection like that.

“Don’t.” She mouthed at her. Don’t get in trouble you too.

Then she got up and followed the matron to her office. She didn’t know what it was she was in trouble for. The smoking? The way she dressed? Please don’t let it be the sneaking around at night. Don’t let Leone get in trouble because of me.

 

* * *

 

Ugh, this is ridiculous! Leone flipped to her other side one more time. She was in bed; it had been a whole hour since the matron had checked on her and Rae still hadn’t shown up. Leone couldn’t help but wonder if it was something she had done. Or maybe it isn’t that Rae doesn’t want to come here anymore, maybe it’s that she got thrown out.

She had indeed seen Rae come out of the matron’s main office, but she had just mumbled something in a grumpy voice and headed off to her room. Hopefully to do her homework.

 Finally the sound of her lock being picked made Leone sit up. She usually greeted Rae half-asleep and non-committal, afraid to scare her. But she didn’t want to just sleep this time.

Leone wanted to talk with her. Connect with her. Understand her. And more than anything she wanted to ask: what do I mean to you? Did she mean anything at all? Or was she just a warm body, a human teddy bear that helped Rae sleep? Leone hoped it wasn’t so.

 Rae stopped dead in her tracks, frozen, when she turned around and saw that Leone was sitting up. Leone couldn’t see her facial expression but she could hear the change in her breathing.

 “Are you in trouble?” She had to ask.

 Rae didn’t answer, she just stared at her.

 “Should I leave?” She asked eventually.

“Don’t you dare.” Leone’s words were whispered and she moved to the side of the bed. “Come and lie down. I’ll be quiet if you need me to.”

 Rae still didn’t move.

“We don’t need to talk.” Leone was starting to feel desperate, it was as if she could feel Rae’s anguish all the way from the door and it was making her heart ache.

 She turned to the wall, hoping that it would finally give Rae enough courage to come and lie down next to her. She smiled into the dark when the bed dipped behind her and an arm tentatively curled around her waist.

 She pushed herself into the cool solidness of Rae’s body and couldn’t help but hum contently. She wanted to open her mouth again. She wanted to tell Rae about all she was feeling and how she loved their silent hours in the night together. She wanted to ask Rae if she was okay, what her plans after graduation were. If Rae even knew her name.

Her breathing strained as Rae started running her fingers up and down her abdomen. Leone became very aware of the fact that there was just a thin layer of fabric between her skin and Rae’s fingers. A need rose within her, something so foreign she at first didn’t recognize it. All she knew was the pounding of her heart and the insistent need to turn around and press their lips together.

Leone knew that she could never do that, she wasn’t brave enough, confident enough and she didn’t want to risk seeming like a fool to Rae. Instead she did the only thing she could think of, grabbed Rae’s hand and ever so slowly moved it upwards. She pressed it against her breast, hoping that Rae could feel the rapid fluttering of her heart and know what she was doing to Leone.

Rae groaned, the sound vibrating against Leone’s back and the hand she was holding against her breast tensed.

“Rae,” Leone whimpered.

 “Ungh…” Rae seemed to have lost her ability to talk. Her hand twitched on top of Leone’s breast and she pressed herself to her back. Her hips rocked once against Leone’s ass and fire fled through Leone’s veins…

 … then before she knew what was happening, Rae had ripped her hand from Leone’s grip and thrown herself off of the bed. She sat on Leone’s chair, breathing hard and cradling her head in her hands.

Leone sat up and looked at her. The streetlight from outside shone through her little window, shining in Rae’s hair. Rae was gasping for air, almost wheezing and her shoulders shook violently.

Is she crying?

“Rae?” Leone reached out but before she managed to put her hand on Rae’s knee, Rae moved out of her reach.

“Don’t touch me!” She hissed.

Leone stopped, her eyes wide and her heart pounding with fear and embarrassment.

“You’re disgusting. You think I want to touch you… there? You’re sick.”

 Her words caused cold dread to flood through Leone’s chest and she looked down on her lap. She couldn’t believe she had done that. She blinked. Please don’t cry, please don’t cry. She refused to make even more fool of herself.

 “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Just come back to bed, I promise I won’t do anything.” I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Please, please, please, Rae, don’t be angry with me.

 “No.” Rae stood up. “You’ve ruined everything.” Her tone of voice was unreadable. She almost sounded like she was close to tears herself.

 She walked to the door and picked the lock to get out. She didn’t lock it when she was back on the other side.

 “Rae,” Leone whispered into the dark. She curled into a ball on top of the covers and cried her eyes out.

 

* * *

 

 Rae opened her eyes when the alarm rang. Despite not sleeping she wanted to do was pull her covers over her head and disappear. She definitely didn’t want to get up. She couldn’t get up and risk seeing Leone. Rae didn’t think she could ever face Leone again.

 What have you done? She sat up and let her face fall into her hands. She felt like crying and screaming and ripping of hair out.

How could she have said those things to Leone? How could she have called her sick when, in reality, it was Rae who was sick, not Leone?

 Rae trembled as she had thought about last night. It had felt so good to hold her, to just hold her. Smell her. And then Leone had squirmed in her arms, stoking her desire and confusing her in more ways than one. Rae was just starting to decide if she liked it or not when Leone had made the stupid mistake of moving her hand to her breast.

 Rae kicked the covers away and got up. With a small yell she covered up her mirror, she couldn’t bear to look at herself.

 It had felt so good. Leone’s breast had fit in her palm perfectly and the hardening of her nipple against Rae’s hand had made Rae feel things that she shouldn’t have. Things that weren’t okay. Things that were wrong, sick, twisted.

 “I need to talk with her,” Rae said to no one. She grabbed her tight black jeans and started pulling them up her legs. “I need to tell her… tell her… that it isn’t -”

She fell silent when there was a soft knock on her door. She stared at it in panic.

“Rae? Are you there?”

The gentle tone of Leone’s soft voice caused Rae’s heart to beat in staccato rhythm. She felt like she was going to pass out or throw up or start screaming or…

“Rae.” She sounded sad. “Will you talk with me, please?”

Rae’s inner anguish was only matched by the sadness she could hear in Leone’s voice. As angry and disgusted she felt with herself, she couldn’t deny Leone. Not now. Not after she had felt her heart beat under her fingertips.

 “Come in.” She couldn’t recognize her own voice.

Leone opened the door, went inside and closed it behind her. Her hair was pulled back, showing off her sober facial expression.

“We need to talk.” She looked up, her eyes drilling in to Rae’s soul.

“We need to go downstairs.” Rae swallowed several times. “The matron…”

“The matron isn’t going to notice that we’re not there. You always skip breakfast.” She sat down on Rae’s chair.

Rae fell back onto her bed. She supposed Leone was right about that. Still she wished she was anywhere but where she was.

 “Rae, I want to apologize.” Leone looked straight at her. “I had no right to do what I did last night, to take your hand and…” she sucked in air through her teeth which only made Rae look at her mouth. “Well, I don’t need to tell you what I did.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Rae felt like she was drowning. “You don’t need to apologize.”

Leone looked at her silently. Rae curled her fingers around the edge of the bed, digging her nails into the mattress, she could feel Leone’s gaze burning on the top of her head.

 “Just leave, okay, Leone?” Oh crap. She felt the stinging heat of tears on her cheeks. “What the fuck?” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her arm.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Leone got up and knelt in front of her. “Don’t cry, please don’t cry.”

I’m not crying, Rae felt like yelling but it would have been a lie. Her tears were now flowing freely and she would have given anything to be anywhere else but there.

 The seconds ticked by, but Leone didn’t do or say anything else. She just watched her cry in silence. Rae was almost grateful for the reprieve.

Finally the tears stopped coming and she could breathe more easily. Crying was strangely cathartic and she felt herself calm down.

“Better now?”

Rae nodded.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“I won’t do it again, okay?” Leone stood up.

“Thanks,” Rae whispered. She couldn’t look at her.

Leone went toward the door, she didn’t turn around as she talked again.

 “Will I see you tonight?”

“Yes.”

 

* * *

The weeks went by, one after another. For Rae, it felt as if her life was back to normal. She could go to class, go home, smoke, drink, hang out with friends, ignore the impending dread of what she was supposed to do when she came of age. But at night she slept with her arms around Leone, their hearts beating in time, able to feel every flutter and sigh as Leone slept.

 Since Leone had promised never to make any advances on Rae again, Rae could relax and enjoy her sexual fantasies on her own. It was safer in her head. There was no need to act on it. Rae didn’t want to act on it. She just wanted to feel and imagine and let her heart pound against Leone’s sleeping back. She wanted to be safe.

 Everything would have been fine if it hadn’t been for fateful afternoon when Rae decided to find an empty classroom to do some last minute studying before a test. She would have studied in the common room, but she didn’t want Evan or Zoie to catch her actually caring about her studies.

 She walked up to the second floor and pushed the door open, carefully so as not attract any attention. She froze when she heard giggling and as the door swung open completely, the sight in front of her caused nausea to wash over her in waves. She couldn’t believe the scene that was in front of her. She helplessly looked on as Leone stood on tiptoe and pressed her strawberry lips to some adolescent boy’s. The kiss was quick, almost just a peck, but Rae felt like she had just witnessed an execution. She wanted to fall to her knees and wail, and instead she just coughed awkwardly.

“Oh, sorry.” Leone giggled again, a blush spreading on her cheeks. “This is Tony.”

 “Hi,” Rae said through gritted teeth. She couldn’t believe what she had just seen. What a slut? Kissing boys in the middle of school? What am I supposed to think, what –

She wanted to yell out loud, she wanted to cry until Leone understood everything. More than anything she wanted to punch that stupid smile of the boy’s face. He didn’t deserve Leone. Nobody did. Not even her.

“See you later, Rae.” The look in Leone’s face was unreadable. It had gone from smug to almost sad. It was as if she could see Rae’s inner anguish.

 “Whatever.” Rae couldn’t face her anymore and she sure as hell couldn’t study now.

Before Leone and her friend had made their way next to her, she turned around and fled. Screw school. Screw the Matron. Screw Leone. Fuck everyone.

* * *

 

You’re an idiot. Leone twisted on top of the covers. Not only did you piss off Rae more than you wanted, you didn’t just piss her off. You hurt her. She had seen the pain in Rae’s eyes. And what about Patrick? You know you’re just stringing him along.

She pulled the covers up to her chin. She really wasn’t proud of herself. The triumph she had felt at the distress on Rae’s face when she had walked in on them had quickly turned to emotional anguish. So she had proven that Rae did in fact have feelings for her? What did it matter? What did anything matter?

 Leone closed her eyes. Maybe if I focus really hard I can just fall asleep and forget everything. Maybe when I wake up I can… The thought fell silent as Leone drifted off to sleep.

 

 “Mmmm.”

Hot breath gasped in her ear and wet lips enveloped around her earlobe.

“What -” Sleep still had Leone in its grasp and she struggled to get her eyes to open.

“Leone.” The words were urgent and full of pain.

  The smell of alcohol enveloped her as another pair of lips pressed against her own. A hand came to rest on her breast, kneading and feeling.

“Leone. Please, I…”

Rae abandoned her mouth and started licking and biting at her neck instead. She was practically lying on top of Leone and her hand was travelling downwards, fast. Electricity ran through her veins and her breath stuck in her throat. She kissed Rae back, eagerly, licking at her lips. It was everything she dreamt of, except in her dreams Rae wasn’t completely smashed. The breath in her mouth tasted of beer and Leone knew that if Rae had been completely sober they would not have been on Leone’s bed, doing what they were doing.

 It was only when Rae suddenly plunged her hand under the hem of Leone’s panties that her excitement turned to nervousness.

“Rae?” Leone tried to be gentle as she stopped Rae’s hand and pulled away.

They stared at each other, their breath mingling. Rae was breathing hard and there was something swirling in the irises of her eyes. Something that made Leone’s heart pound and sweat break out all over her body.

Leone wasn’t ready for this.

Rae’s eyes were filling with tears. Come on, Leone, don’t make her sad now. Tread lightly.

“Come on, let’s take a breather, okay?” She did something she had wanted to do for months and ran her fingers through Rae’s hair.

“What? Now you don’t want me anymore?” Rae sounded strangely normal and clear-headed which meant she wasn’t as drunk as Leone had originally thought.

“I do.” Leone sounded equally breathless. “But I still think we should… umm… talk.”

“Whatever.” Rae sat up.

But Leone wasn’t going to let her run away this time. She curled her hand around Rae’s bicep.

“Please don’t leave.” She spoke in a hushed tone. “You’re safe with me, okay?” She wanted to pull Rae down for an embrace but instead loosened her grip just in case she wanted to flee.

 “Leone…”

“Yes?” Leone held her breath.

“I’m sorry, okay? I don’t mean to be such a fuck-up.” She sounded so sad it broke Leone’s heart.

“You’re not a fuck-up.” Leone took her hand. “I’m not much better, honest.”

“I don’t like to…” Rae sucked in air through her teeth. “I mean, I can’t… I…”

“If you don’t want to tell me, it’s okay.”

 Rae laughed mirthlessly and leaned forward, cradling her head in her hands.

“I don’t even know you.” Rae straightened up and met Leone’s gaze. “I don’t know why you’re here or where you’re from. I don’t know your fucking last name.” She looked down. “The first time I came into your room, I…” She fell silent and Leone could see how she was trembling.

“I know you didn’t come to help me sleep.” Of course I knew. Leone wasn’t stupid.

 “But.” Rae looked up again.

She looked younger in the dark. Softer. Leone could hardly help it as she leaned forward and pressed her lips against Rae’s cheek.

“My full name is Leone Maxine Jankowski.” She kissed Rae’s cheek again; it was just too sweet under her lips. “I’m from a small town upstate. My parents were addicts and kicked the bucket too early, that’s how I wound up here. That’s good enough for you?”

“No.” Rae sounded grumpy. She picked on Leone’s cover, looking down.

 “So take me out.”

“Huh?” Rae looked up, her eyes wide.

 Leone felt her cheeks heat but ignored it. She needed to sort this out for them.

“Take me on a date. Get to know me. That’s what normal people do.”

“But I -”

“You like me,” Leone said matter-of-factly. “I like you. Normal people date, so let’s date.”

“But, I…” Rae seemed to have lost her words completely.

“We have free time on Friday,” Leone continued. “I have some money saved up. We can go out for a coffee or something in town.” Another thought occurred to her. “We can choose one that isn’t too popular, so you don’t need to be seen with me.”

“No, I…” Rae seemed to think. “Thanks.” She chewed on her bottom lip. “But I’ll pay,” she took a deep breath. “It’ll be my treat.” She smiled, but it was more of a grimace and she looked so out of her comfort zone, it made Leone’s heart ache for her.

“Nothing needs to happen, okay?” Leone squeezed Rae’s hand. “Nothing will happen that you don’t want. I just think it would be good for us to meet outside my bed. To get to know each other.”

“I know what a date is.” Rae’s tone was mocking but there was an undercurrent of insecurity there.

“And now that that’s settled.” Leone lay down and turned her back to Rae. “Let’s sleep.”

 Without a word, Rae settled down next to her. Then, carefully, slowly, as if not sure if it was okay or not, Rae put her arms around her.

A few minutes later a soft voice spoke in her ear.

“What about your boyfriend?”

“Who? Oh damn.” Leone had forgotten all about Patrick. “Yeah, that was just… “ You suck, Leone. “… just to annoy you. Or hurt you. Or whatever.”

“I don’t know what you see in me.” Rae’s words punched her in the chest.

“Don’t worry about that now.” Leone pulled Rae’s arms tighter around herself. “Just sleep, okay?”

“Mmhmm.” Rae nodded in the back of her neck.

* * *

 

Rae pulled on the sleeve of her new white shirt. She couldn’t believe she had gotten dressed up like a loser. She had enjoyed the look in the mirror, with black trousers that hugged her ass just right and the white shirt that looked proper yet kind of badass combined with her leather necklaces and dark hair. But now when she was sitting at the cafe, waiting for Leone to show up, Rae regretted everything.

 I wish I hadn’t agreed to this stupid date in the first place. She took a sip of the soft drink – she couldn’t stand the taste of coffee – and smiled at herself. She was really looking forward to the date. She was looking forward to spending some time with Leone.

 Either I will fall in love with her, or I will realise she’s an absolute idiot and then I can finally let go of this weird infatuation that’s –

“Hi.”

Leone’s voice made Rae look up. There she was. She looked different somehow. Happier, lighter. It was summer now and Leone dressed accordingly, short flowery skirt and a light beige buttoned shirt with short sleeves. Thin silver hoops completed the look.

 Why am I thinking about her earrings? You have a problem, Rae.

She smiled and tried to look completely confident as Leone sat down in front of her. Their eye contact was too intense and Rae looked away, focusing again on her soft drink.

“Oh, I should get something too.” Leone started getting up.

“No! I mean, no.” Rae scrambled to her feet. “I’ll get it for you. What do you want?”

Leone blushed.

“You don’t need to. I was hoping to get a pastry as well; I don’t want you to waste all your money on me.”

 Rae mentally counted the change she had in her pocket. I shouldn’t have bought that packet of cigs, fuck.

“Forget about it.” Rae flashed her a grin. “I got it covered. What do you want?”

“Hmm.” Leone stretched her back. “A black coffee and a pastry. Surprise me.”

 Rae nodded.

She left Leone by the table and went over to the counter. She looked at the different pastries and other sweet things that that they had for sale.

“Hello,” the young man behind the register said.

“Hi, umm, can I have the… umm… that one?” She pointed at a pastry that looked nice in her eyes.

“The Napoleon?”

“Yes.”

“Anything else else?” The man put the Napoleon pastry on a small plate.

Rae ordered the coffee.

The smile that Leone gave her when she sat down was worth everything. The discomfort. The money. The risking of her heart.  Rae returned her smile.

They sat in the back of the cafe, away from windows, away from prying ears or eyes. Rae felt quite safe. She watched as Leone ate her pastry.

“Gosh, I feel bad you spending all the money on me.” She had a patch of cream on the side of her mouth that Rae was dying to remove but didn’t. “I hardly think you have more than me.”

“Don’t worry about it, seriously.” Rae made a dismissive gesture with her hand. “I’m getting a job this summer.” Well, I should be getting one anyway. So I’m not lying.

“Oh yeah.” Leone licked the last remnants of cream from her spoon. Rae stared, her throat suddenly dry. “You’re leaving in August aren’t you?” There wasn’t an ounce of sadness in Leone’s voice which annoyed Rae.

Isn’t she a little bit sad to see me go?

“Do you have any plans?”

Rae scratched the back of her head. “Not really. I…” Way to be a good role model. She sighed. “I suppose I’ll find somewhere cheap to leave. I have a friend, Chloe, she used to live with us, I think I could probably crash on her couch for a little while until I find something permanent.”

“What would you like to do? Is there a job that…” Leone licked her lips; “… that you’d really like? What are you dreams?”

“My dreams? Uhh…” You sound like an idiot, get a grip. “Not really, I mean, I like drawing. That’s about it. It’s not like I have good grades or anything.”

 “I’m sure you’ll wind up exactly where you’re supposed to.” Leone picked up her cup and drank from it.

“What about you?” Rae leaned forward, happy to switch the subject from herself. “What do you want to do when you grow up?”

Leone chuckled at her words.

“I would like to be a vet,” she sounded shy. “Or maybe just… a zoo keeper or something. I just want to work with animals.”

“If you want to be a vet, I’m sure you can be.” Rae ignored the urge to reach out and grab Leone’s hand. She wasn’t that –

“Thanks.” Leone surprised her by reaching across the table and grab her hand instead. “I really hope so. But you know how it is. How are we going to go to college? I’d need one hell of a scholarship.”

“Maybe I could help you.” Rae didn’t even know what she was offering, she just couldn’t bear the thought of Leone not following her dreams because of the stupid society.  “I mean, by the time you graduate, I’ll have worked a while and -”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Leone smiled toothily. “You don’t need to help me. I’ll fix it somehow.”

Rae nodded but made a mental note to check out scholarships and ways to become a vet. Even if she couldn’t help her financially, she still wanted to do something.

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

Rae coughed out the soda that was in her mouth.

“What?”

Leone smiled even as her cheeks slowly turned red.

“I thought I’d just ask you, in case, I mean. If you like me.” She looked down on the table and picked at her napkin.

Rae stared at the paper shreds that landed on the dark blue table cloth, one after another.

“What does that word mean to you?” Her heart pounded and she was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. “Sex?”

Leone’s mouth dropped open.

“No!” She smiled coyly. “I mean, yes. But not right away. I mean…” She licked her lips. “Maybe we could start with kissing a little bit. If you want.”

This is so fucking awkward. It’s not supposed to be like this, is it? Rae cleared her throat.

“But why? Why do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Leone produced a brilliant smile.

“Because I like you.”

It seemed too simple to be true.

* * *

 

The first few weeks of their relationship, Rae lived in constant panic. But pretty soon she relaxed. Leone didn’t expect the world of her. They continued sleeping together, but Leone never asked for more than a good night kiss. They exchanged smiles during the class and sometimes during the afternoons they snuck off together. Just to talk and sometimes do a bit more kissing. The waves of discomfort and distress that Rae had first associated with physical contact slowly abated. She learnt that she was safe with Leone. That Leone wouldn’t ask anything that Rae wasn’t willing to give.

 The semester ended and the summer started. Rae graduated barely afloat and got a job working as a check-out girl at the local supermarket.

 At first she wanted to spend all the money on getting things for Leone. Little things. Pastries. Flowers. A new dress. But soon she realised it was better for her to save all her money. Her goal was to get out of there, but still live close enough so they could actually still see each other. What Rae wanted more than anything was just to get her life together.

 Sometimes, with a sleeping Leone in her arms, Rae let herself feel. She would relax her muscles, breathe deeply, smelling Leone’s hair and trying to take in how it felt to have her girlfriend in her arms.

 Don’t be scared Rae, she would tell herself. You’re safe. She didn’t know what it was about physical arousal that scared her so much, she just knew that it was a feeling she couldn’t handle; she didn’t like the feeling of losing control, of being swept up in something bigger. She didn’t know what to do with it. What it was supposed to lead to.

But in the middle of the night, with her arms around Leone, so close to being skin to skin, Rae let the feelings sweep over her in waves. And by the end of August, Rae wasn’t scared anymore.

 

* * *

 

They were in the kitchen of Rae’s friend Chloe’s place. It was the day before Rae’s 18th birthday and they had moved most of her things. Everything was ready.

“I’ll be sad to see you go.” Even though Leone was happy that Rae would finally be free and not have to deal with the matron anymore, it was the absolute truth. “But this place is great, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.”

“It’s not like I’m staying indefinitely.” Rae opened the fridge. She had done it three times already. It’s like she can’t believe there is a real fridge she’s actually allowed to open. Leone thought it was cute.

“I’m going to get my own place as soon as I can.” Rae closed the fridge again and turned around, leaning her hip against the counter. “Then you can come and visit me.”

“I’d love to.” Leone reached forward and grabbed Rae’s hand.

 It didn’t matter if Chloe walked in on them holding hands, she wouldn’t mind. Or start screeching like the matron had when she had walked in on them hugging. Just hugging.

 Leone pulled her in for a hug. I can’t wait for us to be both adults. To be free. Free to be together.

 

* * *

 

Rae waited patiently while the matron locked her door for the last time.

This time I’m going to wake Leone up, she thought. I’m going to wake her up and kiss her all over. I’m going to –

She opened her mouth in a gasp when she heard the small metallic sounds of her lock being picked. She sat up and could only stare as her door swung open and a small female body tiptoed inside.

 “Rae?”

“Leone?” Rae held out her hand for Leone to grab in the darkness. Leone had the streetlamp outside, but Rae didn’t and her room was almost pitch-black. “What are you doing here? I was going to come to you.”

“I know.” Leone giggled. “But I wanted to give you your birthday present. And you can see it better in a darker room.”

“Oh?”

 Their hands entwined in the darkness and Rae pulled her into the bed. She sat up and leaned her back against the pillow, then she pulled Leone into her lap. They kissed, the fleeting touch of lips warming Rae on the inside.

“What do you have for me?”

“It’s silly.” Leone rested her head on Rae’s shoulder. “I don’t want to give it to you. It was a stupid idea.”

“No, come on. I wanna see.” Rae pressed a quick kiss to the top of Leone’s hair. “Show me.”

Leone opened her hands. Inside her hands there was a shining star. It was probably just the plastic that glowed in the dark. But to Rae, it looked like Leone had presented her an actual star.

“I’m sorry it’s just one,” Leone whispered into her shoulder.

“I love it.” Rae wasn’t lying.

She lifted her hand and touched the star. It looked so bright and felt so mundane to the touch. She moved her hand again and put her palm on Leone’s cheek.

She put her hand in Leone’s and angled her face upwards. Their lips met. At first the kiss was like most of them, sweet but careful. But then Rae wanted more.

She held Leone close and moved her hand to the front of Leone’s body, she wanted to touch her, feel her. Just dreaming wouldn’t do anymore.

“I want you,” she whispered against Leone’s lips; her words abnormally loud in her own ears. “Will you be with me?”

 “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 Rae yawned. She felt like she could hardly keep her eyes open. As much as she enjoyed living on her own, having her own flat and all, she required two jobs to manage all her payments. It was worth it, more than worth it. I just wished I had time to just relax and play around like I used to. She had even given up smoking, she wanted to save up every penny she could.

It was stupid, maybe silly and maybe Leone would refuse, but Rae wanted desperately to be able to at least help her a little bit to reach her dreams. It didn’t matter if Leone would break up with her, Rae just wanted to give her the chance that she had never had.

She went over to the window and looked at the street below. A wide grin broke out on her face. It was the only logic reaction to seeing Leone coming to visit her. It was late November and Leone was wearing an old mocha coat that looked like it was beyond second hand, but the scarf was new. It was good that she was dressed well in the cold weather. Rae remembered the sorry state of some of the jackets and coats the matron handed out. She waited by the window, a cup of coffee in her hand, for Leone to make her way up the stairs.

 

________

 

AN: This story grew out of proportions for me, but I’ve honestly enjoyed writing it. I already have plans to revisit Leone and Rae again, but probably when they’re adults and around ten years older.

 

State of Emergency Teaser

Today I’d love to share a small segment from my novel “State of Emergency” that’s going to be published on August 10.

“Idun! Thank God!”

It didn’t matter that Idun was tired and slightly groggy from the pain pills; she would recognize her sister’s voice anywhere.

 “Jo! Hey! What’s up?” She felt a twinge of guilt for not calling her sister for so long. Did Jo even know about Idun’s accident? I doubt Mercedes called and told her. Idun scoffed.

“Look, I don’t have much time. It’s very important that you listen to me now.”

Idun’s eyebrows knitted and she sat up to be able to focus. Sudden pain reminded her that she couldn’t yet move freely and she took Mercedes’ pillow and pressed it against her abdomen with her free hand.

“I’m listening.”

“Some bad things are going to happen and soon; I’m breaking more rules than I can count telling you this, but I couldn’t bear something happening to you.”

Idun hugged the pillow closer.

“You’re scaring me.”

“Good. I need you to hide. Don’t come out no matter what you hear. Not if someone calls for you, not if someone knocks on the door. Just stay away from the windows and hide. I’ll see if…” The call dropped.

“Jo? JO?” Idun looked at the phone. She couldn’t even call back since Jo had called from a private number. What is happening? She quickly called Mercedes’s number, her heart beating in her throat.

As the phone kept ringing and it became clear that nobody on the other end was picking up, Idun felt her throat turn dry; Mercedes always answered her calls.

What do you guys think?

10 Funny Book Dedications That Actually Got Published

This is so funny…

I love reading book dedications! Often, it is our first touch with an author. it is intimate to read those words that often show what they truly cherish in life, what they hope for the book, what they hold dear.

But sometimes, authors get bold, and instead of constructing a “proper” dedication, they write words that are unorthodox, honest and often humorous. Here are 10 of dedications like that!

“The Selection” by Kiera Cass

“Psychos: A White Girl Problems Book” by Babe Walker

“An Introduction To Algebraic Topology” by Joseph J. Rotman

“The House of Hades” by Rick Riordan

“My Shit Life So Far” by Frankie Boyle


“Austenland” by Shannon Hale



“The Land Of Stories” by Chris Colfer



“Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” by Mark Twain



“No Thanks” by E.E. Cummings



“Post Office” by Charles Bukowski

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Exciting News

I’m very pleased to announce that I’ve decided to self-publish my first novel, State of Emergency. I’ll have more information in the days and weeks to come, but the goal is for it to be out on August 10.

Here is the blurb:

Sweden, Present Day: Idun Tyr receives a warning from her sister, and army lieutenant, telling her to hide and not come out no matter what she hears. By the time she re-emerges, the world has changed. Her phone has no signal, the internet and televisions aren’t working, and her town is empty of people. Everyone is gone. She sets out to find her missing girlfriend, Mercedes and embarks on a long journey, learning to survive in this new reality. A dystopian lesbian novel about a country torn apart by a vicious disease, following three women on different sides: military, vigilante and prisoner.

Bubble and Squeak (short lesfic, romance)

Beta read by my lovely friend K.

 Hannah glanced at the tall figure next to her. Seeing Jane on her feet, smiling and alive was more than fantastic. If it wasn’t for the scrapes on her cheek, the black eye and the left arm resting in a sling, Hannah could almost pretend that everything was normal and that the past couple of weeks hadn’t happened.

 She reached for another potato to peel and in the same moment Jane reached for another egg. Their fingers brushed over the counter.

“Oh, sorry.” Hannah blushed as their eyes met briefly and she hurried to focus on the potato in front of her.

No. Nothing was normal. Nothing would ever be normal again. Everything was new and exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.

“It’s no problem,” Jane said in a calm voice.

Their eyes met again, Hannah smiling shyly before focusing once more on the task at hand. How many potatoes had she peeled while trying to ignore Jane?

 It was hard to believe that they had spent the first weeks of their acquaintance fighting like cats and dogs. Jane had accused Hannah of being a shallow and bitchy straight girl and Hannah had retaliated by calling Jane a dyke. To say that they had disliked each other would be an understatement.

 But all that had changed now.

“I can whisk those eggs.” Hannah hated to see Jane struggling with only one functioning arm.

“I’m not an invalid.” Jane didn’t look up. “And I need to do something.”

She held the bowl with the fingers of her broken arm and whisked with the others, but the bowl swayed dangerously, threatening to get away from her.

Hannah dropped the potato and pulled the whisk from Jane’s grip.

“If you have to do something, go and set the table.”

“Fine, princess.” Jane rolled her eyes but didn’t struggle. Instead she left and went to get the plates while muttering something under her breath.

Hannah ignored her while she quickly threw the peeled potatoes in boiling water. She then took out some leeks, sprouts and broccoli and started chopping them up. Another thing that Jane couldn’t do with her injured arm. It didn’t matter that she had promised to help Hannah, Hannah was adamant to not let Jane do anything that was too difficult.

“Hey!” She heard behind her. “I was supposed to do the chopping.”

Hannah turned around just in time to see Jane pout. It was a funny sight. The tall butch woman with a black eye, pouting like a little girl. Hannah wanted to kiss those lips until they stopped pouting. Not that she would ever tell Jane that.

She stuck her tongue out.

“The table needs glasses as well.”

Jane muttered something else but still did as she had been told. Hannah smiled triumphantly and returned to the vegetables. She did feel a bit bad though, she couldn’t even imagine how hard it was for Jane to be incapable of doing so many things.

 Her heart jumped into her throat when a head was placed on her shoulder and copper hair covered her right eye. She let the knife drop to the board, too terrified to move. An unarmed arm snaked its way around her waist. This was the closest they had ever been.

“Thank you for taking care of me.” Jane spoke into her hair, the small puff of air sending shivers through Hannah’s body.

“Any time.” Hannah hated how lame it sounded. She should have said something better, something cooler, something – She sighed and tried to relax. She didn’t want the gentle embrace to end.

Jane held her for a few more minutes, then let go of her rather abruptly.

“I suppose the table needs cutlery too.”

Hannah’s body felt cold as Jane left her. She returned to her vegetables, trying to ignore how her heart refused to calm down.

 

* * *

 

“So what is this called again?” Sarah, Hannah’s cousin viewed the contents of the pan suspiciously.

“It’s called bubble and squeak,” Hannah said as she divided it and held out her hand for the others to hand her their plates.

“Of all the things you could have cooked, you chose a glorified omelette, is that all they teach you over at -”

“Hey, if you must know, it is a British staple. Or so Hannah tells me.” Jane chimed in with a teasing wink.

Hannah didn’t care about the teasing, she knew they would like it once they had tried it.

They sat down and ate in silence for the first few minutes.

“I’m moving in with Bianca,” Sarah said all of a sudden. She looked relieved as soon as the words have been uttered, as if she had struggled to keep them in all night.

Hannah and Jane both stared at her and then each other. It was almost expected since Sarah had been sleeping at Bianca’s almost every night for the past month. The direction they had been heading in had been clear.

“I’ll cover you with rent, of course.” Sarah spoke quickly. “At least until you find a new roommate, if that’s what you want to do, or until you’ve moved.”

 Of course Sarah expected them to move. She and Jane had fought so much in the beginning, making life hell for the three of them. But that had changed now. Hadn’t it?

“I’m willing to pick up half of the rent,” Jane said, looking at Hannah. “If that’s okay? I don’t want Sarah to have to pay more than necessary.”

Hannah noticed that both of them were looking at her. She quickly chewed her food and swallowed. Made a quick calculation in her head; she was still a student after all. But she could do it.

“Yes.” She nodded. “Of course I don’t mind.”

“I’m sorry to be leaving you like this.” Sarah still looked worried. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

She looked at Jane now. They had been friends since they were six years old and had lived together since they had left home. Hannah guessed it would be strange for them to live apart. She had seen glimpses of their great friendship since moving in with them to start culinary school. She hadn’t expected to clash so badly with Jane for the first few months, or to be facing living alone with her.

Jane nodded and smiled at Sarah.

“Yeah, we’re sure. Right?” She looked at Hannah.

“Right,” Hannah agreed.

 

* * *

 

Hannah had insisted on washing up on her own in spite of Jane’s and Sarah’s protests, so the friends sat down on the sofa. Jane didn’t like the idea of Hannah having to do all those dishes on her own, but she tried to focus on her other friend.

“Congrats! On the move-in. That’s awesome.”

“I’m glad you think so.” Sarah smiled. “Are you really sure you’re okay, though? I know that you and Hannah don’t really -”

Jane held up the arm that wasn’t in a sling.

“We don’t have a problem with each other anymore.” Jane sighed. “I was wrong about her and I hope that she realises she was wrong about me. I…” She felt herself smiling almost unwillingly. “I’m looking forward to living with her.”

 “Do you…” Sarah looked like she was struggling to get her words out. “Do you think it’s because of your… accident?”

 Jane looked down, the thumping of her heart speeding up. She couldn’t, wouldn’t, talk about it yet. And she didn’t want her friendship with Hannah to have been born out of such an ugly experience.

“I’m sorry,” Sarah hurried to say. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

No, you shouldn’t have.

“It’s okay.” Jane tried to calm her quivering voice. “I don’t know what brought it on, our new friendship. I’m just glad we don’t fight anymore.”

 Sarah nodded.

“Me too.” She punched Jane’s shoulder lightly. “So do you think Bianca will want our new bedroom all pink?”

 

* * *

 

 Inside the kitchen, Hannah had heard everything. She wiped the final fork with a cloth and placed it back in the drawer. She usually let the dishes dry on their own but she had wanted to give Jane and Sarah a chance to talk. It hurt her to hear that Jane was still so very affected by what had happened, although it was hardly surprising.

 Hannah never wanted to experience that again. That feeling of hopeless anger at seeing somebody you cared for in a hospital bed, beaten unconscious. Not knowing if she would wake up again, but knowing that if she did she would carry mental and physical scars for the rest of her life. And that somebody else had put them there for no apparent reason other than hatred.

 Hannah thought that she had hated Jane, but when faced with real hate she had learned that she didn’t hate. She disliked. And dislike could be overcome and turned into liking. At least in their case. In their case, liking a lot. It had taken something so extreme for Hannah to wake up, and realise that if Jane had died, she would have missed her. Hannah felt ashamed when she thought about it.

“Hannah?” Sarah came into the kitchen, holding her phone. “Bianca just called, I think I’ll head home now.”

Hannah suddenly swallowed back tears. She didn’t know why she felt so emotional, but she didn’t want to say goodbye to Sarah.

“What’s wrong with you? Silly Hannah.” Sarah opened her arms and held her gently. “I’ll be back, you know? We’ll still see each other.”

“I know, I know, I just…” Hannah couldn’t explain it. She put her arms around her cousin’s waist and held on.

“I didn’t know being alone with me was that terrible?” Jane came into the kitchen.

 Hannah and Sarah let go of each other and Hannah wiped the stray tears from her cheek.

“That’s not it and you know it.”

 She could feel Sarah’s questioning gaze in the back of her hair. Something was going on with her and Jane, and it was probably clear to everyone in the kitchen.

“Well, I’m going to head out.” Sarah pressed a kiss to Hannah’s forehead and gave Jane a quick kiss. “Speak soon, okay?”

 They went to the door and saw her out. They watched her go to her car and drive off. Then Jane closed the door, and locked it with all the extra locks she had installed after ‘the incident’.

 “I think I’m going to have a cup of tea,” Hannah said, not tired yet. “And then sleep.”

“I think I’ll just go ahead and brush my teeth already.” Their eyes locked and Jane licked her lips. Hannah didn’t even know if she was aware of how she was looking at her. “I’m tired.”

Bullshit, Hannah thought but didn’t say anything. She nodded.

“Good night then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” After some visible hesitation, Jane leaned down and brushed her lips to Hannah’s cheek.

“G’night,” Hannah mumbled at Jane’s back.

 

* * *

 

Jane put the sling over a chair in the bedroom and lay down on the bed, on her back wearing just a T-shirt and panties. Her knees were hurting and her back almost pounding. She was still not as healed as she wished she was. But more than the physical pain, she hated the reminder of what had happened to her.

 She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. She really was tired but there was an unrest in her body that just wouldn’t get away. It was different than the fear of nightmares that had haunted her nights just a few weeks ago. This was an unrest that made her legs tremble and butterflies dance around the pit of her stomach.

Somewhere not too far away, in the kitchen, Hannah started humming. The melody was nonsensical, not a real song, but the sound was absolutely heavenly to Jane’s ears. It was followed by the subtle sound of something being cut. Probably prepping for tomorrow’s meals. It was something that she had started just a month before, thinking like a chef even though she was at home. It was one part annoying and two parts adorable.

The kettle was put on, Hannah most likely preparing her tea. Jane could imagine her, sitting by the kitchen window, looking at the garden with a dreamy look on her face and a cup in her hand. Maybe she would have changed into her pyjamas and let her hair down in a messy ponytail. Happy and relaxed. Jane fell asleep with a content smile on her face.

 She wasn’t sure how long she had been sleeping when she felt more than heard her bedroom door being opened. In a heartbeat, her eyes were open and she sat up fast, her covers pooling at her waist. Fear gripped her by the throat and she desperately reached for the light on her right.

“It’s just me.” It was Hannah and Jane’s fear immediately abated. She still turned on the light so the room wasn’t so dark.

“What’s wrong?”

Hannah was indeed wearing pyjamas with a messy ponytail; she had a lost look on her face.

“Nothing is wrong,” she said. “I just…” She bit her bottom lip, unknowingly drawing Jane’s attention to her mouth. “I need to apologize.

“Apologize? Geez, Hannie, it’s in the middle of the night.”

“I know.” Hannah sucked in air through her teeth. “But… right is right.”

She looked so distraught it tugged on Jane’s heartstrings and she patted the bed next to her.

“Come and sit down.”

Hannah did as she was told, but looked down on the floor the entire time as if refusing to meet Jane’s gaze. It was puzzling behaviour. Usually Hannah was confident, brazen even, and she had never before looked down.

“What’s wrong?” Jane reached forward and grabbed her hand.

“I’m what’s wrong.” Hannah looked up now. “I’ve been horrible to you, ever since I moved here. I don’t know why you want to live with me now.”

“That’s what you’re thinking about?” Jane couldn’t believe her ears.

Hannah nodded. “I can’t sleep because of it. I need you to forgive me.”

“Hannie.” Jane spoke slowly. “There is nothing to forgive. You were mean to me, but I was mean right back. The person we should both apologize to is Sarah. She’s the only innocent party in this.”

“But you’re the one I worry about it.” The words were soft and all of a sudden, the hand under Jane’s turned and their fingers entwined.

Jane sighed. She wasn’t used to people worrying about her, she liked being independent and free. It felt like everything had changed, that horrible, horrible day.

“Is this because of what happened to me?” She couldn’t keep the poison out of her voice. She didn’t want Hannah’s pity.

“I…” Hannah sighed. “You know that we had stopped fighting before it happened -”

“But?” Jane didn’t care about her harsh tone of voice. She didn’t want to think about what had happened. She didn’t want to remember. If Hannah wanted her to work through it, that meant she couldn’t be around her. That was just how things were.

“Jane!” Hannah forced her to look up with a finger on her chin. “What’s wrong? Why are you being so cold?”

“I’m not a victim.” Jane’s voice was stone cold. “If that’s all I am to you, then I think it’s best we both find somewhere else to live.”

Hannah leaned backwards and looked at her in silence. Jane knew that what she had said was hurtful but couldn’t help it. If she was going to be reminded of what had happened to her every time she looked at Hannah, they really couldn’t live together. Jane just wanted to leave it all behind. She had to.

“Jane.” Hannah’s voice was soft. “Please don’t think that way. I…” She tried to grab Jane’s hand again but Jane pulled away. “Please don’t be upset with me.”

“Just go to bed, Hannah.”

Jane lay down and pulled the covers over her head. She wanted Hannah to leave.

 But Hannah didn’t leave.

To Jane’s surprise and confusion small hands came to push her to the side and when she finally moved with a groan, Hannah lay down next to her. Always a princess.

“I’m not leaving while you’re still upset with me. I just can’t.”

“Well I can’t live with you knowing that every time you look at me, you see a victim,” Jane bit back.

 Hannah turned on the bed until they were facing each other. Her gaze was very soft. She reached out and tucked Jane’s hair behind her ear.

“That’s not all I see when I look at you, are you crazy?”

“I don’t know.” Jane refused to give in.

“Yes, you do know. I don’t know why you’re being so thick-headed about it. Jane, when I saw you at the hospital I thought I was going to die. I thought you would die, so I thought I would die with you. It has nothing to do with what happened to you but about who you are. I used to hate you but you won me over.”

 Hannah’s gaze was unwavering and Jane had no choice but fall into her loving eyes.

“It didn’t change after what happened to you. It changed before. You know this.” Her eyes pleaded to Jane.

Jane nodded.

“I’m so-”

Hannah silenced her with a finger to her lips.

“I can’t wait for you to heal,” she said. “I can’t wait for you to go back to work and come home telling me about it. I can’t wait for you to get your confidence back, I can’t wait for -”

“All you’re doing is reminding me that I can’t right now.” Jane couldn’t wait to go back to her job as a personal trainer at the gym. She was sick of feeling so helpless.

“But soon you’ll be able to.” Hannah was right there, her soft hand on Jane’s cheek and her gentle gaze meeting Jane’s. “You just need to be a bit more patient. Just like you were with me.”

 Jane couldn’t look away; it was as if Hannah was staring right into her soul.

“You did require a lot of patience.” She smiled teasingly. She needed to make a joke to lighten the mood a bit.

Hannah nodded and smiled fondly.

“That I did. Sorry.”

Jane shook her head.

“There is nothing to be sorry about, not anymore.”

 Hannah bit her lip and then before Jane was able to react in any way, she had leaned forward and pressed their lips together.

 As many times as Jane had imagined kissing Hannah, the reality was much, much sweeter. The kiss was soft, almost chaste, a gentle press of lips against lips, and despite the carefulness of it, it sent Jane’s heart hammering away, heat pooling between her legs and goose bumps rising on her arms.

Hannah pulled back, biting her lip, her cheeks reddening.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for so long.” The breathlessness in her voice sent thrills through Jane’s body. “I hope I didn’t make a mistake?”

“No.” Jane shook her head. “No, not at all, I… that was a very nice kiss.”

 Hannah smiled and looked like she was about to say something, but Jane had had enough. She didn’t need to hear what Hannah was going to say. Either it was something about the incident in which case Jane didn’t want to hear it. Or it was about their feelings for one another in which case, Jane didn’t need to hear about it. It was as clear as the sky being blue. They had been dancing around the issue for months. Jane didn’t want to dance anymore. She didn’t want to talk anymore. She wanted to learn to feel whole again. She wanted to find herself again. And she wanted to do this with Hannah.

Before any words had come out of Hannah’s lips, Jane had covered them with her own. This kiss was harsher, more desperate. She wanted to feel something, and she came alive where they touched.

 

* * *

 

 Kissing Jane was heaven. Hannah could hardly believe it was finally happening. She couldn’t get enough of Jane’s lips, sounds or how her fingers were running up and down Hannah’s arm.

 Hannah squirmed forward so she was closer and snaked her arms around Jane’s neck. It was only when her kissing partner winced and pulled back that Hannah remembered. Oh!

“I’m so sorry!” She leaned back and turned the light on. She carefully touched her fingers to Jane’s arm. “Are you okay?”

“I am.” Jane groaned and looked at her pleadingly. “It just hurt for a moment; can we forget about it and just keep kissing?”

 Hannah nodded but made a mental note to go very slowly. Jane was still injured after all.

She leaned in again and joined their lips together. It was strange really, how wonderful it was to kiss someone she had felt such distaste for before. Jane wasn’t even her type and still here Hannah was, dying for Jane to kiss her and touch her.

 When Jane tried to move her arm to Hannah’s hair and again groaned in pain, Hannah had had enough. She pushed Jane back and leaned up, resting on her elbow. Her long blonde hair fell forward, creating a shield around their heads as if protecting them from the world. The look in Jane’s eyes made her shiver inside. Jane’s eyes had turned black and there was a slight trembling in her limbs as if she was ready to pounce but was holding herself back.

 Hannah chuckled softly and stroked her fingers against the side of Jane’s face.

“I know you have a top-mentality to go with that butchness, darling.” She pressed a kiss to Jane’s nose. “But you’ll have to keep that caged for a little bit longer. And then you can do whatever you want with me okay?” I’ll be here later too.

 They were roommates now. Girlfriends? Well, at least roommates with benefits, Hannah thought. Whatever it was that was going to happen between them during the following weeks, they would eventually wind up back here. In bed together.

 Hannah pushed her fingers into Jane’s hair, scratching her scalp. Jane closed her eyes and exhaled, some of the tension disappeared from her shoulders. She knew what Jane liked, she had shared a wall with her for the past couple of months. And while she had occasionally hated, and occasionally enjoyed, the subtle sounds of sex that had flowed from Jane’s room into hers, it had taught her a thing or two. She knew who Jane was in the bedroom, and as excited as Hannah was to experience that for herself, perhaps it was a good thing that they could get a bit acquainted before… before Jane is completely unleashed. Hannah giggled to herself.

“What?” Jane opened one eye and regarded her with a teasing smile.

“Nothing.” With her hand still in Jane’s hair, Hannah leaned down and kissed her again.

She opened her mouth carefully, giving access to Jane’s searching tongue. It felt like she was melting. Jane’s mouth was hot and wet and she tasted absolutely delicious.  

 Hannah reached down and started running her hand over Jane’s abdomen. She circled a finger around the belly-button and rejoiced in the tightening of muscles underneath. She wanted to take Jane’s shirt off and look at her completely but wasn’t sure if such a request would be appreciated or not. Not only would it be tricky to take it off, what with her arm, but it would probably also be bad to remove it and expose more bumps and bruises. At least as they were now, they could almost pretend they didn’t exist. Hannah didn’t want to break the magic.

They kept kissing as Hannah kept stroking the bare skin there, backwards and forwards, creating goose bumps under her fingertips. She moved lower, stroking the line of Jane’s panties.

“Hannie…” Jane mumbled. “Don’t. I…” She cried out softly when Hannah stroked right between her legs, over her panties. She panted. “I don’t want to do anything when I’m not capable of reciprocating properly.”

 “I don’t care.” Hannah’s heart sped up as she stroked faster, finding the hard prominence of Jane’s clit under the fabric.

“Of course you don’t.” Jane groaned low in her throat when Hannah pressed harder. “Princess.”

“You know it.” Hannah started pressing soft kisses around the curve of Jane’s jaw while never stopping the movement of her hand.

 The fabric under her fingers was becoming increasingly damp and she fought against the impulse to put her fingers into her mouth. Jane’s whole body was trembling and her hips were thrusting upwards gently in time with Hannah’s movements.

 She moved Jane’s panties to the side with one finger and touched another to Jane’s burning flesh. Jane was wet, so, so wet, and when Hannah rubbed her thighs together she could feel that she was in the same predicament. It felt as if she wasn’t careful they would go up in flames.

 “Let me touch you, please.” Jane sounded like she was in pain. “It doesn’t feel right that I’m…” She fell silent and whimpered instead when Hannah circled her opened with a teasing finger.

“You prefer to be the giver, huh?” Hannah nipped at her ear. “I. Don’t. Care.”

Before Jane could say anything more, Hannah swirled one more time around her entrance and then pressed a finger inside.

 She moved her finger slowly, rejoicing in Jane’s moans and the feeling of slick muscles around her. She knew that this was out of Jane’s comfort zone, being on her back and just letting Hannah pleasure her. It made the gift even sweeter. Jane was showing Hannah a huge amount of trust.

 “Hannie.” Jane’s clit twitched under Hannah’s thumb. “Fuck, princess… I.”

Hannah pressed her hips into the mattress, wanting to find something, anything, to soothe the ache between her thighs. Her pyjamas were too warm and she wished she was naked. She wished both of them were naked and that she could feel Jane’s skin against hers.

 Jane pressed her lips together, closed her eyes and moaned throatily. Her whole body tensed up as the muscles around Hannah’s fingers pulsed. Hannah had slept with other women, but never before had another woman’s climax made Hannah feel this powerful or accomplished.

 When Jane dropped her head to the side, panting and her mouth slightly open, Hannah couldn’t help but claim her lips again. They kissed slowly, taking their time, Hannah moving her fingers gently to coax every last tremor out of Jane’s body.

 Eventually Jane went limp and Hannah removed her hand. She couldn’t help but to lick her fingers right away. She didn’t want to seem lewd but she also didn’t want to wait to taste the woman in her arms. And she knew that they were done now.

“You should sleep now.” She kissed Jane’s closed eyelids.

“Huh?” Jane even sounded sleepy. She deserved another kiss just for being so cute.

“I enjoyed that.” In fact, Hannah was pretty sure that if she didn’t go back to her own bedroom and relieve some of the pressure by her own hand, there would be permanent damage. “But you should sleep.”

 But Jane’s eyes were droopy and she was looking more grey than alive. She was still injured and whatever pills she had taken for the pain after dinner were probably making her drowsy.

“But what about you?” Jane’s eyes kept close.

“I’m fine.” Hannah hoped that Jane could hear the happiness in her voice since she couldn’t see her smile. “Just sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Their fingers entwined.

Jane sighed deeply. As she exhaled her fingers relaxed and let go of Hannah’s.

Hannah waited a few more minutes, then she carefully got up from the bed and tip-toed out of the room.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Jane woke up to the smell of fresh coffee, scrambled eggs and Hannah humming to some nonsensical song that she had probably made up herself. There was a smile on her face that she first couldn’t understand but when she noticed her still damp panties the events of last night came back to her.

 So it had finally happened. Jane chuckled to herself. It had been a long time coming. And suddenly she couldn’t wait to see Hannah. She had missed her during the night, even while being fast asleep.

 She got out of bed, put the sling back on her body and hurried into the bathroom. She couldn’t see Hannah fast enough but it was probably best to brush her teeth first. When she surprised Hannah in the kitchen with a good morning kiss she wanted to taste fresh and not like sleep.

 “Jane!” Hannah’s whole face lit up when Jane came into the kitchen.

“Morning, princess.” Jane put her good arm around Hannah’s waist and drew her close. She kissed her gently on the mouth. “I slept well. Thanks to you.”

“You’re very welcome.” Hannah kissed her back just as eagerly. “Now sit down and eat. I made breakfast.”

Jane wanted to keep kissing her, but the smell from the stove was equally seductive and she let herself be led to the table. Hannah pressed a fork in her hand and placed a plate in front of her. She took her own plate and sat down in front of Jane.

 They ate their first bites in silence, from time to time sharing a quick smile.

“You know,” Jane said when she had swallowed the last piece.  “For being in culinary school, you sure cook simple things. Bubble and squeak, scrambled eggs.”

Hannah nodded, her blonde curls bobbing.

“I could have made you a cheese soufflé with rosemary but what do I have to prove?” She licked her spoon. “I’m becoming a chef because I love cooking, not because I don’t have a love for simple foods.” She giggled. The sound warmed Jane from the inside. “And my scrambled eggs have cream, cheddar and chives. Hardly simple.” She looked so pleased with herself, Jane couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Then she leaned over the table and wrapped her fingers around a chunk of Hannah’s hair. She pulled her forward gently, but firmly, and pressed a big kiss on her lips.

 “Mmm.” She said when she let go of Hannah’s hair and sat back down. “Your kisses taste better than your food, you know.”

Hannah laughed.

“Not sure if I should be offended.”

 Jane smiled at her gently.

“You shouldn’t, trust me. Your kisses are just that good.” She winked.

 Hannah got up and got their plates. After leaving them by the sink, she went over to Jane. She made a gesture and when Jane had moved her legs, Hannah sat down in her lap. She put her arm around Jane’s neck and pulled her close, Jane’s injured arm between them.

 “Are my kisses really that good?” Her smile was somehow both shy and confident in the same time and Jane had to place a kiss at the curve of her mouth.

“You know that they are.”

It was nice to have Hannah in her lap, it made her feel strong and less like an injured victim. She put a hand on Hannah’s waist and squeezed softly, wanting to assert her dominance just a tad. Yesterday she had let Hannah play her like a violin, today it was her turn.

“What do you want to do today?” She leaned forward and started nibbling on Hannah’s neck, smiling against the soft skin when the woman in her arms squirmed and shivered visibly.

“It’s Saturday.” Hannah sounded breathless. “My day is wide open.”

 “Good.”

Jane motioned for Hannah to get up. She stood up and grabbed Hannah’s hand, then she led her into the closest bedroom without another word.

 

I love this

Kudos to whoever it was that made it.

What Have You Done To Me? (short lesfic, erotic romance)

Or The Queen of Fire and the Empress of Ice

“I knew you would come.” Rafaela, queen of the Reattlen, couldn’t keep the smirk of her face as she looked at the intruder in her chamber.

Talanamar, the leader of the Eibmoz – a people made up of only mercenaries – walked towards her on visibly stiff legs. Rafaela hated the way Tala walked, it reminded her of old injuries, and yet it was something she wouldn’t change. It was part of Tala, part of her past and her present. Probably her future too.

 Not that Rafaela would know of Tala’s future. Their time together was over now. Rafaela had called for help across the five domains and Tala had answered. She had, together with over five thousand soldiers, come to the Reattlen’s aid. The threat was gone. The Eibmoz had to return to the Frozen Lower Islands now.

“Yeah well… You made it clear, my queen.” Tala sounded pained. “You made it clear that you wanted me to come to you. I couldn’t find it in myself to refuse.”

  Rafaela got up from her throne and walked forward. The look in Tala’s eyes as she took step after step, made Rafaela throb inside. It made her feel powerful and very, very female. Tala almost looked scared. Having the tall, buff and heavily armored warrior woman tremble at her feet was dizzying.  Rafaela’s throne was on a stage so even when she stopped right in front of Tala, she could look down on her.

 “Why are you still wearing your armor?” It made no sense to Rafaela. Surely, despite the dimwitted emotional slowness Tala did understand why she was there, yes? So why the ever-present armor? “Talanamar?” Despite calling her Tala in her head, Rafaela wasn’t sure it would be appreciated said outloud.

 “I need to leave at dawn.” Tala looked down, a blush spreading on her cheeks. “I was uncertain how long you wanted me to stay so I thought it was better I take my armor with me.”

Rafaela smiled triumphantly. So Tala had understood what it was that Rafaela wanted from her. Good.

 “Do you have a long way home?” Rafaela went off the ledge and walked toward a small cabinet by the side of the room. She poured them two cups of wine and went over to Tala with them. They were on the same level now and Rafaela was again almost a head shorter.

“It’s several days, my queen.”

She handed Tala one of the cups.

“Have you tried this before during your stay?”

Tala smelled the wine and regarded it carefully. Rafaela counted the lashes above her eyes. Such a feminine feature on the otherwise not-so-feminine woman. Long black eyelashes.

“I haven’t had much time off, my queen.” Tala took a tentative sip of from the cup.  “I’m sure there are many things from your great nation that I haven’t had a chance to sample.”

I’ll say. Rafaela quickly swallowed her wine, needing the liquid courage. She threw the cup to the floor, ignoring Tala’s puzzled look. She was tired of beating around the bush.

“Kiss me now.” One last command. Then she stepped forward and waited, their lips almost touching. Their breaths mingled.

 She enjoyed the small gasp that Tala produced and how her mouth dropped open. She reached up and touched her fingers to the tattoo that Tala had framing one of her eyes. Rafaela had asked about it several times but Tala had never said what it meant. Eibmoz secrets probably. She let her thumb dance over the small scar that ran down the side of Tala’s face. Despite the blemishes and the tattoo, Tala was absolutely glorious. Her skin was pale but it made such a nice contrast to her pitch black hair and her icy blue eyes. She was so different from Rafaela’s own sun-kissed brown skin and golden locks.

Ice and fire. And Rafaela wanted to make Tala burn.

The kiss was sudden. And surprisingly forceful. Tala was always gentle outside the battlefield but there was nothing gentle about this kiss. Before Rafaela could really register what was happening, she had Tala’s tongue in her mouth and she was pressed against the nearest wall.

 “You drive me insane.” Rafaela groaned when Tala moved to nibble on her neck. “You drive me completely insane. No marks!” But it was too late and she knew it. Tala had latched onto her neck and was sucking on the skin there like her life depended on it.

“I’m sorry.” Tala pulled away, breathing deeply and leaned her forehead on Rafaela’s shoulder. “I don’t know what came over me. Forgive me, my queen.”

It was true that Rafaela hurt. Her head had banged on the wall when Tala had pushed her there, and the spot on her neck was pulsing like a second heartbeat. There was a third heartbeat somewhere low in her abdomen too, but that one didn’t hurt and it made all the other aches and little pains obsolete.

“I don’t want your apologies,” Rafaela bit out. “I want you to touch me.”

Tala’s jaw tensed and she looked like she was fighting an inner battle. It meant nothing to Rafaela. She knew that Tala had a knight in shining armor thing going on, but she could care less. If Tala didn’t touch her within the next couple of minutes she couldn’t be responsible for her actions.

  Tala almost looked like she did in the negotiations and planning room. Looking over plans. Discussing attacks. Rafaela, being a queen and not a warrior, hadn’t joined in the talks. But she had watched. And the look in Tala’s face had made her ache. She had wondered for weeks if Tala brought that quiet intensity into the bedroom. It didn’t matter if such thoughts were beyond a queen.

  But Rafaela was a merciful ruler. She got away from her place by the wall and picked up her cup that laid there, still abandoned on the floor. She turned her back to Tala as she went to the table and put the cup down. She fought against the impulse to pour Tala another drink. Rafaela didn’t want her inebriated. She wanted Tala here. And she didn’t want to live with the question if Tala had actually wanted her or if it was just the drink.

 She turned towards Tala again and regarded her from afar. The warrior leader who always seemed to have control over her emotions, even in the face of death, seemed to be close to coming undone. When Rafaela reached up and undid her coat, letting it fall open, Tala’s eyes visibly expanded and her mouth fell open. Rafaela felt like laughing. However Tala was actually feeling, it was clear that she wasn’t completely unaffected by Rafaela’’s presence or the now exposed skin of her upper chest.

 It was strange, Rafaela mused. She wanted to see all of Tala. She wanted to feast her eyes and hands on everything that was inside Tala’s armor. But more than that she wanted Tala to see her. She wanted to take her pretty gown – her own armor – off and know that Tala had seen her. She didn’t even know why.

“My queen.” Tala sounded lost. “Maybe this was a mistake.”

No! Don’t do this to me.

 It took Rafaela a moment to realise that she had actually said the words out loud. She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. “There is nothing wrong with what we’re about to do.”

“Lady,” Tala took a step closer but looking like she didn’t want to. “Without proper courtship, it doesn’t feel right to -”

Rafaela walked over to her and silenced her with a finger to her lips.

“It’s my honor you’re worried about right?” She waited until Tala nodded. “Well, I’m telling you that I don’t care.” Come on, just kiss me. Just once more. I need to remember what it feels like.

“I don’t want us to regret this.” Tala spoke against her finger.

“We won’t.” Before Tala could say something else, Rafaela removed her finger, stood on tiptoe and pressed their lips together.

Tala groaned but held back so Rafaela kept the kiss gentle, unwilling to scare her and push her too hard. She opened her mouth and smiled internally when Tala did the same and their kiss naturally deepened.

 When they had been kissing for several minutes and Tala hadn’t moved her arms despite tensing them several times, Rafaela had had enough.

“I need you.” She pulled away just long enough to whisper the urgent words. “Touch me here.” She pulled Tala’s hand to her breast. She didn’t care that it was still gloved. Rafaela felt as if she didn’t feel Tala’s hand on her right this second she would die, or go insane or likely both.

Tala’s hand twitched upon her breast.

“Let me get my gloves off, please.” Finally there was a note of pleading in Tala’s voice.

Yes, Rafaela thought triumphantly, I’ve got her now.

“Come to bed.” She took Tala’s hand and led her into the small alcove that lay to the side of the room.

 She pulled the canopy out of the way and sat down on the flowery blanket. Not for one to beat around the bush, she pulled her dress off. She wore nothing underneath.

 As she felt more than saw Tala come closer, she kept her gaze low. There was a shyness inside her she didn’t recognize. She hoped that Tala would like what she saw.

“Why are you shy?” Tala came to her, put a finger on her chin and made her look up. “I’m the one who isn’t worthy.”

“How can you say that?” Rafaela whispered. “You’re Talanamar Rei, leader of the Eibmoz, empress of the the Frozen Islands.” Tala jerked at the word empress. “You’re known for your bravery and skill on the battlefield. If you’re not worthy, who is?”

“No one.” Tala’s eyes was filled with something close to reverence and it made Rafaela’s stomach churn. “No one is worthy.”

Rafaela giggled, nervously.

“Such things you say.” She stood up on her knees and pulled Tala closer. “Are you to tell me that the brave Talanamar Rei runs from my bedroom with her tail between her legs?”

 Tala sucked in air through her teeth.

“What have you done to me?” Her voice was breathless.

 “Get your clothes off,” Rafaela said instead of answering Tala’s question. After all she had no answers. She could have asked Tala the same thing. But there were more pressing matters at hand. She wanted Tala naked and in her bed.

 Their gazes stayed locked as Tala took a step back and slowly took her armor off. Within moments Tala stood in front of her, in the nude. When she took a step toward Rafaela’s bed, Rafaela held up her hand to make her stop.

“Let me look at you first.”

 Tala was indeed glorious. Muscles under soft looking skin, subtle lines from scars, both old and new. The new ones were harder to look at. They were there because of Rafaela, because of the battles Tala had been in for her domain. Without the woman in front of her, the Reattlen would have been invaded and Rafaela would have probably been married off or dead. She certainly wouldn’t have been free and alive and happy.

 “My queen?”

Rafaela noticed to her distress that she been shamelessly staring at the patch of dark hair between Tala’s thigh for longer than appropriate. She lifted her gaze and stared into the careful amusement of Tala’s face.

“Come here.” She held out her hand.

Tala came closer and took it, their fingers immediately entwining.

Rafaela pulled her closer, groaning when their naked bodies touched. She leaned up and bit Tala’s earlobe, hard.

“I want your fingers inside,” she whispered.

She felt Tala’s heart speed up under her fingertips before she had even noticed that her hand was cupping Tala’s firm breast. A nipple hardened in her palm which made waves of pleasure skitter down her spine.

They fell together on top of the bed, both of them completely naked. At first they landed with Tala on top but, as much as Rafaela enjoyed the heady weight of Tala on top of her, she was forcefully turned around until Rafaela was on top.

 Tala held her close. Her skin was warm and the callouses on her hands scratched Rafaela as Tala ran her hands up and down Rafaela’s back. Eventually they landed on her buttocks and Rafaela was pushed into her.  

“Oh.” Rafaela couldn’t help but rock against Tala again. And then again. She felt empty, pulsing around nothing as she ground herself even harder into Tala.

Their gazes met and Rafaela hoped that Tala could see the plea in her eyes. She didn’t want to have to beg.

“I’ve got you.” Tale leaned down to nibble at her neck. Rafaela let her, there was already a substantial love bite forming there anyway. So she would have to cover up her neck for a few days, it was no big –

Oh! Suddenly Tala mouth moved from her neck and with a hand under Rafaela’s breast, Tala held it to her mouth and gently bit around her nipple.

“Tala.” Rafaela couldn’t help the whimper that escaped her lips. Her hands went up in Tala’s hair, the soft strands tickling her fingers as she held Tala’s head close to her breast. Whatever it was that Tala was doing, it was making Rafaela feel great. At first it was everything and then it wasn’t enough enough.

 Tala was sitting up, propped up against the pillows and Rafaela was sitting in her lap, straddling her upper thighs. One of Tala’s arms were around her waist, holding her close, the other was lingering back and forth across Rafaela’s naked thigh.

Rafaela put her palms on both sides of Tala’s face and pulled her face up. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t miss the sweet heat of Tala’s mouth on her nipple, but there was other things she wanted more.

  She guided Tala until their faces were aligned, their breaths mingling. They kissed again. Slowly. Gently. Heat was pooling at the core of her and she knew she was dripping on Tala.

 She pulled back first and took hold of the hand that was playing with her nipple.

“Touch me here.” She pulled it to between her thighs, not caring how wanton she seemed.

“Oh by The Great Red Snow,” Tala swore when she came into contact with the copious amount of wetness between Rafaela’s leg.

 “Talanamar.” Rafaela groaned when Tala’s fingers rubbed a tentative circle around her clit. “You break my heart.”

“My queen.” Tala started to pull away. “What do you -”

“Don’t.” Rafaela grabbed hold of Tala’s arm. “Don’t you dare.” She was almost growling.

  Something gentle ran through Tala’s eyes and she nodded.

“I won’t stop.” Somehow knowing exactly what Rafaela needed to hear. She slowly but surely cupped Rafaela and then slipped inside her with slightly more force than necessary.

Rafaela couldn’t help but yelp, and Tala immediately leaned back, seeking her gaze. Her face was filled with worry and Rafaela shook her head.

 “I’m okay.” She pressed a kiss to Tala’s usually cook cheek. “I was just a bit unprepared.”

 She started moving against Tala, lost in pleasure. She kept her eyes open, needing to keep their gazes locked, needing to share this with someone. The other times she had invited someone to her bed, she hadn’t felt this way. She hadn’t been this… present. Tala kept her there, with fingers reaching into her depths and a hand on the small of her back, pushing her onto Tala’s hand.

Tala was panting and it wasn’t hard to see that she was trying to hold herself back. It really wasn’t fair.

 Rafaela claimed her lips as she reached between them and palmed Tala. She wanted to moan at the hot sensation of wetness and silky skin under her fingers. Tala groaned and pushed into her hand, which in turn moved the finger inside Rafaela.

Rafaela gasped and arched her back, knowing that Tala would hold her. Wouldn’t drop her. She continued stroking at the heart of Tala, drunk on the feel and smell of her. Tala was trembling now and the low grunts that were escaping her were so unbelievably sexy, it pushed Rafaela right to the edge.

 “Rafaela.” Her name sounded like a prayer in Tala’s mouth. “Rafaela, I can’t.”

She twitched under Rafaela fingers, and a similar pulsing was starting in Rafaela’s lower abdomen.

“I’m sorry.” Sweat was running from Tala’s hairline and dropping onto Rafaela’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, breathless and less controlled than Rafaela had ever heard her be. “Rafaela, I can’t. I’ll… if you touch me like that I will…”

Rafaela whimpered but really she wanted to laugh. Even in the throes of passion, Talanamar upheld her chevalier nature. But Rafaela didn’t want her to be a chevalier anymore. She wanted Tala the woman, Tala the person.

With her one free hand, she dug her fingers into her hair and angled her hips up. She pressed their bodies together, craving Tala’s climax as much as her own.

  Tala moaned in an almost sultry fashion, a strange feminine noise that again lmost made Rafaela giggle. It made her thrust harder until two of her fingers were buried deep inside Tala.

 That did it.

Tala’s face fell forward and she shuddered violently. The muscles around Rafaela’s fingers tensed and pulsed, but even though Tala must have been feeling intense pleasure, she didn’t utter a single word. It was as if it was too much.

 It was different to Rafaela’s reaction. One moment she was taking stock of every reaction her lover made and the next, climax hit her. Waves of pleasure flowed through her and she moaned loudly. Rafaela didn’t care if anybody heard her. If this was the only time they would ever have together, she would be damned if Tala couldn’t understand exactly what she was doing to her and what she was making her feel.

 

* * *

 

 They held each other for a long time, keeping warm together under the down blanket. Tala could hardly believe what had happened. Part of her still felt guilty. Rafaela deserved so much more than a desperate tryste during their last night together. The queen in her arms deserved a proper courtship, marriage and stability. She did not deserve to be left alone after a night of passion.

And yet she couldn’t regret anything that had passed between them.

“Tala?”

Tala smiled down at the little woman in her arms. No one had ever called her Tala before tonight and yet it was already her favourite nickname. It was upsetting that when she got home later today, there would be no one there to welcome her home. No one would call her Tala. No one would kiss her. Or worry about her. Or make sure she had eaten. No one would do the things that the queen of Reattlen had done for her, unbidden, during the past couple of weeks.

“What is it?”

“Maybe the relations between our domains could use some further greasing.” Rafaela looked tired and lively at the same time, her skin a healthy glow. To Tala, she was breathtakingly beautiful.

 “Really?” Tala pulled Rafaela’s head to her shoulder and ran her fingers up and down her arm. “What do you suggest?”

“Maybe my ambassadors and I should call upon you in a few months.” Rafaela pressed a quick kiss Tala’s breast. “Visit the Frozen Islands. I have never been there.”

 Visions of showing Rafaela her home filled Tala’s head and she smiled at the thought.

“You’d have to wear more clothes though.” Tala chuckled softly.  

“What?” Rafaela spoke into Tala’s skin. “You’re saying my silk dresses won’t be enough?”

“Hardly, my queen.” Tala kissed the top of her head. “I’d have to cover you in bear pelts.”

 Rafaela sat up and looked at her.

“What about in your bed?” Her tone was soft. “Will I be cold in your bed?”

Heat gripped a hold of Tala’s heart and she gasped.

“No.” Her voice turned husky. “When you’re in it, my bed will never be cold.” Not even in the midst of deepest winter.

A bell chimed somewhere not far away. It was time.

Rafaela coughed and turned around.

 “Well, Talanamar.” Tala hated the sudden distance in Rafaela’s voice.

 “My queen?” Tala sat up as well.

 “You have a long way home.” Without looking back, Rafaela got up and got a robe from somewhere in her closet. It was red and gold, fit for a queen from the land of fire. “You should go.”

 Tala knew that she was right, but it didn’t make it any easier. She got up as well and started putting her armor on. At least all her packing were already in the stable and there was nothing she had to do except show up and start the long ride home.

 She was tying her belt when two thin arms, hands adorned with rings and rubies, snaked their way around her. She covered Rafaela’s hands with her own gloved ones. Not being able to feel Rafaela’s soft skin under her own felt like a cruel reminder that their time was now over. It was time to return to reality.

  It didn’t matter how much it felt like her heart was breaking, Tala was in no position to come with an offer of courtship or marriage. What she had been free to give, she already had.

 “You have my heart.” Rafaela’s arms tightened around her.

“And you have mine.”

That would have to be enough for now.

 There were no talks of goodbyes and no farewell kisses. Tala’s heart couldn’t bear it and Rafaela seemed to feel the same way. Instead they walked to the exit, neither of them touching each other.

 “Talanamar.” Her name and title wrapped into one. It didn’t feel like such a burden when it came from Rafaela’s lips.

“My queen.” They didn’t face each other, instead they looked at the sun rising above the mountain. “Write me?”

“Of course.” Rafaela nodded and squeezed Tala’s arm briefly. “I’ll start writing as soon as you’ve left.”

 Tala nodded as well. Then she left.

She didn’t turn around.

 

THE END