Halley Bock's Blog, page 3

Toxic Relationships: A Look Under the Hood

Every time I see an article about Toxic Relationships on my newsfeed, I click on it. I’m like a moth to a flame when it comes to this particular subject, perhaps because of the HUGE impact that remaining in a few toxic relationships has had on my life. One cost me my job and livelihood and another cost me a close friend.

Anytime something goes south in my life, I work to understand it. If I can reverse engineer, puzzle out, decode, or make sense of an aftermath, I will. Like most people, I’d much rather avoid a second lesson, preferring to stick with the “one and done” strategy. Unfortunately, we can’t always avoid these second (or third or fourth!) opportunities [ahem] for learning thanks to the multitude of unpredictable variables at play in complex situations. And if anything falls into the category of complex situations, it would be toxic relationships – the volatile, yet exhilarating, relationships that sweep us off our feet and leave us exhausted and confused once spit out the other end.

Which is Toxic: The Person or the Relationship?

When I began to take a closer look at the dynamics involved in toxic relationships to grok the particulars and thus avoid getting into another one, my initial focus was on “them” – you know, the other person. The TOXIC one. The crazy, uncontrollable, evil, hopeless, uncaring, and despicable other. The one for which we “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” avoided if only our radar was a bit more fine-tuned. We often feel like we got caught in someone else’s trap and are lucky to have escaped when we did.

Part of me (okay, a BIG part of me) likes that line of thinking. Why? Because it paints me as a sort of wholesome and naïve Princess of Special Land who got tangled up with the Big, Bad, Ugly truth of the world only to come out the other end enlightened and as clean and sparkly as ever. The problem with that? It’s too good to be true. Anytime we come out looking like roses and/or portrayed as a victim in an unfair situation, it’s usually bullshit. Which is exactly what the above scenario is. Bullshit.

Here’s the Truth. Ready for it? That person isn’t toxic just like you aren’t toxic. PEOPLE ARE NOT TOXIC. Yes, people can suffer from psychological conditions due to some seriously effed up childhood situations or as an unfortunate spin on the genetic wheel of fate, but they are not toxic. They are unwell and may lack the tools or capability to engage in a way that feels like love to the majority of us. They alone, however, are not toxic. No one is. To deem someone as “toxic” would be a shaming act and one that is totally void of compassion. Not a respectable choice, in my world. What is toxic, or what can become toxic, is the relationship. A toxic relationship is the alchemy created by two or more people – where one person’s wound activates and agitates the wound in another.

We Are All Wounded Warriors

Every one of us has a history and history involves pain. You simply cannot navigate through life without collecting a fair share of scars – love unrequited, disapproval of another, exclusion, bullying, feeling unworthy, feeling separate, feeling shamed. These common wounds lie deep within our psyche and, when triggered, cause us to act from a primordial place – a place concerned with survival and the burning desire to heal a story that, to this day, still holds a painful ending.

We try to repair the broken past but our tactics are often ineffective and damaging. While the person before us may look like the antagonist in our story, they are not. They are merely a hologram of the person who caused our wound and, therefore, could potentially heal it. And while it may appear that they are mirroring us and cognizant of our storyline, they are not. They are just as caught up in their own story, perceiving us as their hologram and their means to heal their past. Their wounds and ways of acting out activates and agitates our wounds and when left to persist in an unsupported environment, this cyclical exchange can very quickly become toxic.

Honestly, it breaks my heart whenever I am reminded of this insight. I see so much hurt, blame, anger, and vitriol directed at people who were merely dance partners in a subconsciously choreographed movement that beckons to heal the past. Blame doesn’t belong here. It is compassion that calls. We become wounded through the acts of other people and it is through people that we attempt to heal. Sometimes that works but other times it does not.

When the wounds of both people are too severe or are at direct opposition from one another – such as Person A striving for acceptance from Person B, while Person B strives to form Person A into acting and behaving a certain way – it results in a relationship becoming toxic. Neither one is able to get their individual needs met and the ways in which they act out their pain only exacerbates the wounds in one another.

What To Do When We Find Ourselves in a Toxic Relationship

When we find ourselves in a dynamic that is constantly frustrating, confusing, and/or full of highs and lows, it’s a telltale sign that we are engaged with someone whose wounds are activating our own – and doing so in a way that is not producing positive results. The best thing you can do for yourself and them is to stop the dynamic by naming it. And then, instead of playing the blame game and punishing yourself or them for the toxicity the two of you created, get curious. Take a healthy “time out” from the relationship and figure out what wound this relationship activated for you. This often takes the insight of a professional to not only help you identify your piece –  your wound – but to also engage in a healthy and productive healing process while doing so in a safe container.

Once you’ve resolved this issue and/or gained a clear insight and awareness of it, you can check in with the other person to see if the relationship is one that can be resurrected. If they are full of blame or anger, take no responsibility, or have not done the deep work of discovering and tending to what was activated in them, save your breath. Just as it takes two to create toxicity, it takes two to create harmony. In that case, send them love and compassion from afar and continue on your road, free of distraction.

As much as I’d like to say that we can be free from toxic relationships, we cannot. But with an awareness of what creates toxicity, we can short-circuit the dynamic much more quickly – saving yourself and others a lot of grief. And with the added layer of compassion for both yourself and the person you were engaged with, healing can occur that much faster.

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If you have a few relationships that have you questioning whether or not you should keep them or let them go, enter your email below to receive the Toxic Relationships Checklist. Eleven questions that will gauge the health of your relationship while taking the guesswork out!

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The Meaning of Rejection: Badge of Honor? Or Critical Warning?

As a lifelong risk taker, rejection has been an omnipresent partner in my life — mostly unwanted yet always revealing. Now that I’ve survived my fair share of rejection, I’ve come to embrace it as a valuable indicator of one of two things: A beacon illuminating a new path or a rumble meant to test my internal drive.

Rejection as a Critical Warning

In business, rejection comes in multiple forms even in times of great momentum, ample resources, and highly attuned, engaged employees. It could be a project stalled. A team member suddenly disengaged. A plan hopelessly complex. A budget undermined by economic fallout. An idea with no energy around it.

At the start of my career, I took these as MASSIVE frustrations and employed my pile-driving “Type A” techniques to try and break-down, fast-track, roll-over, and/or out-wit the offending obstacle. Rejection in the form of persistent resistance was something I felt only occurred when a deficiency existed in myself or the plan, concept, strategy, you-name-it. And success would occur if I could just implement a fix to overcome the obstacle. Not so much.

Truth is, 9 out of 10 times, rejections were due to extenuating forces that had nothing to do with the validity, cleverness, or implementation of the effort itself. Instead, ideas didn’t work when they were ill-timed. Strategies didn’t pan out when there was a shift coming around the corner that would change everything. Relationships stalled when we were coming together for the wrong reasons. Turns out, rejection was the universe’s way of saying, “Not now. Something else needs to happen first.” And when I learned to listen to the resistance and let go of preconceived outcome, the organization hardly missed a beat in our cadence of growth. No longer were there such things as a “bad idea” or “failed strategy”. Instead, simply instincts and ideas ahead of their time.

Rejection as a Badge of Honor

But what about personal rejection? The kind an artist faces down every day/week/month? Is rejection a sign that you’re misguided and should drop everything? To this, I say “Absolutely not!”

There’s a key difference between manifesting a vision that lives only within us versus manifesting a vision on behalf of others. A business doing well, a client turning customer, a perfectly orchestrated event are all things you may be passionate about but, in the end, they are efforts either done on behalf of others or to benefit ego and circumstance. However, impacting the world via personal passion is quite different as egoic intentions fall to the wayside and is made distinct in its ability to survive and thrive without spark from the outside world.

For endeavors of this nature, rejection transforms from Critical Warning to Badge of Honor. Rather than acting as a guide that seeks to divert us from our coveted aspirations, rejection serves as a sign that we aren’t playing small. That we are taking risks.

And should the day come when we can no longer stomach rejection (even after our usual short-term spiral into self-doubt), then it’s likely our passion has shifted elsewhere. Possessing the desire to exercise one’s passion should never depend wholeheartedly on another person’s approval. If it does, it has moved from an internally driven passion to an outward driven aspiration. BIG difference as it’s here that the role of rejection shifts from Badge of Honor to Critical Warning. To interpret rejection appropriately, we must understand which locus we are driving from.

EMBRACING REJECTION

When we look at rejection, we have a choice in how we frame it:

Is it an irritating and persistent fact of life that we all have to suffer through again, and again, and AGAIN?

Or… is it the universe whispering to us that something better may await us if we were to stop forcing our will upon it? Or, perhaps, it’s a thoughtful gesture intended to test our passion so we can confirm or adjust?

Having lived this long, I now know that rejection is serving as a Critical Warning when I am:

In a relationship that just won’t fire or is constantly mired down in difficulty,
Pushing a plan forward while being met with constant obstacles and set-backs,
Selling an idea that can’t find an audience,
Writing on a topic and the words won’t come.

In those cases, I drop back, ease off, and ask myself, “What else wants to happen here?” By pausing, I can see if another opportunity awaits. If nothing arises and my gut still screams to move forward then I do. But! I change approach. Often adopting the same curious standpoint but this time turning the question outward to see if there’s a nuance I have missed that could change everything.

And when engaged in one of my passions, rejection serves as a Badge of Honor when I am:

Told by a publisher that I’m not a good fit,
Passed over as “not celebrity enough” for an event,
Asked to come back when I’ve earned a Ph.D,
Told to rewrite an article incorporating more “corporate-ese” mumbo jumbo.

In those cases, I ask myself, “Do I want to keep going?” And if the answer is an emphatic “Heck YES!!!” then I do. And I pat myself on the back for having taken another risk big enough to experience rejection.

Here’s to you finding your own badges of honor (I have an entire wardrobe full of them!) and for hearing the messages hidden within any form of rejection. When we embrace rejection as an ally in our journey, the path becomes much friendlier to travel.

What experiences have you had with rejection? And what was the message delivered to you?

The post The Meaning of Rejection: Badge of Honor? Or Critical Warning? appeared first on Life, Incoporated.

The Competitive Edge of Gratitude: Use It or Lose It

The holidays are right around the corner which means the impending bombardment of cliche articles and posts about “giving thanks” have been loaded into the barrels of every editorial calendar under the sun. As much as I am a huge proponent of gratitude, I find this annual exercise troubling – the only time we spend time on the topic is when the calendar marches it across our desk.

The Benefits of Gratitude

Truth is, there’s an exhaustive list of reasons – both scientifically backed and those that are just “plain old good sense” – as to HOW practicing gratitude positively enhances our lives when practiced every single day of the year. Amy Morin does a great job of listing some of these out in her article for Forbes. Her list includes:

Better relationships,
Improved physical and psychological health,
Better sleep,
Enhanced self-esteem,
Reduced aggression, and
Increased mental strength.

Brené Brown, well known author and researcher, shares this in her Power of Vulnerability course: 

“I have never in 12 years interviewed a single person who describes themselves as joyful, their lives as joyous, or described the ability to lean into joy who did not actively practice gratitude.”

I’m no idiot. Sign me up. But how do we DO gratitude? Here are 5 ways you can incorporate the practice of gratitude in your daily routine.

How to DO Gratitude

In her book, The Magic, Rhonda Byrne provides 30-days of exercises to build your gratitude muscle. For those looking to seriously transform a life by bringing in more of what you desire, I highly recommend her book. Building on the universal law of attraction and “that which you focus on expands“, she gears each exercise, or practice, to play right into the wheelhouse of this truth.

But for those looking for a quick hit on how to begin practicing gratitude, here are 5 of my personal favorites. Ones I can vouch for and practice myself:

Reflect. Pretty simple, yes? But how many of us actually take the time to reflect on what we are grateful for each day? We may take a moment to fist pump our latest win as we scurry through our day, but bringing intentional awareness to what occurred in our day is essential to the practice of gratitude. At the beginning or end of each day, write down 5 things you are grateful for and WHY you are grateful for them. Understanding and articulating the “WHY” is an essential component in attracting more of the same.
Share One Compliment Daily. Gratitude shouldn’t stand solely as a self-reflective exercise. Put the power of positivity to use and share one compliment (or gratitude) daily. The key is to be specific. No, “Nice job on that call, Karen.” Snooze. Instead, be clear and share why it had a positive impact on you or another. For example, “Karen, I really appreciate the way you handled that call with our customer. Your ability to listen and empathize made them feel heard and let them know how important they are to us. Thank you for embodying our values so well! It had a tremendous impact on my day, and theirs.”

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is “thank you,” it will be enough.” 

—Meister Eckhart

Bring it Home. Find ways to incorporate gratitude into your family life. The dinner table is always a great place to share gratitude with one another as it’s often the only place everyone is together and focused. My family holds weekly family meetings to discuss issues important to us and to plan out our week. At the beginning of each meeting, we share what it is that we appreciate about one another.
Remember Yourself. We often turn our gratitudes out onto others as it’s easier and more comfortable for us to praise those outside ourselves. But practicing gratitude where we acknowledge our value is just as important. If not more so. Especially in times of difficulty, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what it is about you that you are thankful for. Even in the depths of despair, you can find something. Being appreciative of your own vulnerability is one of the strongest stances I’ve ever seen.
Commit, Don’t Quit. People often pick up the practice of gratitude in times of struggle as it’s such a well-known tool for turning the tides. The pitfall to starting at a time like this is the tendency to drop the practice as soon as those tides do begin to shift. Why we drop our strongest tool in times of success, I’ll never know. And, yes, I’m as guilty as everyone else. The ask here is that you resolve to STAY with the practice during all phases of life. And it’s okay to recognize that you’re human and that you won’t always want to do it. On those days, simply be grateful for showing up to do the work along with the commitment and resolve it demonstrates.

















Putting It All Together

Adopting a daily gratitude practice is not only a life-enhancing maneuver, it’s smart. And it is, without a doubt, a competitive edge. Whether you’re seeking to turn things around or continue the trajectory you’re on, I highly recommend you put gratitude to work by putting it to practice.

If you have a story to share about how practicing gratitude transformed a life, a relationship, or a circumstance, please share!

What you think,

you become.

What you feel,

you attract.

What you imagine,

your create.

— Buddha

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