Halley Bock's Blog, page 2

Family Manifestos: What Will Your Family Value in 2017?

What better way is there to begin 2017 than with fresh energy and a strong vision for the present that leads to an even brighter future? One way to accomplish this with your family is to spend some time together making up a family mission statement or manifesto. This living, breathing document is most effective when it is created collaboratively as a family and adjusted as time goes on to make it relevant as your family grows and develops together. Here are some tips for getting started!

 

Process

This could be a part of a weekly family meeting, if you are currently doing them, or a special family activity. Perhaps most importantly, this is not a top-down activity, in which you hand down a set of rules to your kids. Instead, this is an opportunity for every member of the family to be heard and every person’s ideas to be valued. Kids are so much more likely to buy into this concept if they are given respect in the process of its creation.

As you are working together, pay attention to your kids’ levels of focus and energy. Perhaps you could bracket this meeting with some outdoor activity time to blow off steam. Don’t stress if you still have more work on the manifesto that you would like to do but your kids are clearly done with the activity. Remember that you can always revisit it in days to come!

 

How

Begin by talking with your kids about how important it is to be clear about purpose and values. You could say that most companies and schools have mottos of some kind to motivate their employees or students. You could say that a family is like a team and teams work best when they have common goals. It may be important to mention that you don’t expect everyone in your family to share exactly the same goals but that you know that there are many that you can agree on.

It might be helpful to begin with a large piece of paper which you can use to brainstorm. Remember that all ideas are welcome in brainstorming—no one gets to say that other people’s ideas are not worthwhile. Write down every idea that comes up as you ask questions, such as:

What does our family believe in?
What do we try our best to do?
How do we like to be treated?
What do we need to work on?
What do we do really well?

As your family’s ideas spring out and are written down, begin to look for links and overlap between ideas. Your job as a parent will be to look at the big picture and find connections between ideas. Ideally, you will be able to pare the manifesto down to key statements that everyone in the family feels good about. You can remind your family that this is a work in progress. You can try out the wording in practice and see if it feels right. Tell them that it will be a responsive document that can change as the family grows and changes, but that certain key values will stay constant.

The last step in this process is to write out the manifesto in way that you would like to have displayed in your home. It can be nice to post it where you have family meetings so that you can refer back to the ideas and values that it represents. You can also use it during times of struggle or challenging behavior, to remind kids of the values that your family holds dear. You can use it to help relieve a power struggle by asking a child if his behavior is in accord with the manifesto. This is a way to hopefully gently remind without harshly correcting. But, fully expect this to be a two-way street and tell kids that they, too, can remind you when you the parent are not holding up your part of the contract as well!

 

Another Option: Parenting Manifestos

Another take on this manifesto is to work on your own personal parenting manifesto. Instead of focusing on the collaborative effort of the whole family coming together, this is an opportunity for you to dive deep into your own personal parenting values. This can be a great exercise to do either on your own or with your parenting partner. As you clarify your own values, you will find a greater sense of the big picture of parenting and hopefully that will inspire you as you navigate through the sometimes messy nature of day-to-day parenting.

“What did your own parents do wonderfully and what could they have done better? What do you want to bring forward and what do you want to leave behind from your own past? Research shows that parents who engage in self-reflection are more able to attach to their own children and form strong, meaningful family relationships.”

In her forthcoming book, Life Incorporated, author Halley Bock offers suggestions on how to write your own personal manifesto. She suggests that you “challenge yourself to come up with ten statements about what you believe, three statements about how you want to change the world, and five statements about what you know to be true. You will then combine these statements to create your personal manifesto.” You can use these same steps to create your parenting manifesto.

As you think about this manifesto, it may be a great opportunity to reflect on your own family of origin. What did your own parents do wonderfully and what could they have done better? What do you want to bring forward and what do you want to leave behind from your own past? Research shows that parents who engage in self-reflection are more able to attach to their own children and form strong, meaningful family relationships.

 

This is a great time to look at our big goals and ways that we can help them come to fruition. I wish you the best of luck as you create and implement your family manifesto in the new year!

 

Further Reading & Examples

Brene Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bren/wholehearted-parenting-manifesto_b_1923011.html

Gretchen Rubin’s podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin

http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2016/08/podcast-manifesto/

Life, Incorporated by Halley Bock

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Incorporated-Practical-Wholehearted-Living/dp/1626343551/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481595476&sr=8-1&keywords=halley+bock

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What Others Are Saying

Read some of the early praise Life, Incorporated has already received!

“I read – and wrote all over – my copy of ‘Life Incorporated’ in two back to back sessions. The reason it was two sessions rather than one was because I had to to stop, gather myself, and reflect on the lessons I’d already learned from the first two chapters alone.

Halley Bock hasn’t written just another self-help tome for a narcissistic generation – she’s written a searingly honest, immediately practical road map for anyone who wants to find, re-discover, re-position, or just polish their north star. Buy it, learn the lessons, work the exercises, and I guarantee you’ll put down ‘Life Incorporated with a renewed sense of who you are and what you’re here to do.”

Les McKeown

Best Selling Author, Predictable Success

“Mindfulness may not be an easy skill to master, but Halley Bock’s Life, Incorporated will help you get there. Through personal anecdotes and practical tips anyone can employ right now, she takes the reader on their own journey of self-discovery in the process.”
Kristin McGee

Celebrity Yoga Instructor

“At last, we have an author who has taken the genre of ‘self help’ and completely transformed it into what it should be: a real, practical, and essential roadmap for life. Halley tells a story that will engage you and then backs it up with approachable, actionable, and most of all, doable steps you can take immediately to take control of your life and make it what you want it to be. Halley’s tested and well-researched guidance combined with an easy-to-read style make this book a must-have for anyone looking to make their lives better.”
Ann Herrmann-Nehdi

CEO and Co-Author, The Whole Brain Business Book

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Parents, Pry Teens Away From Those Phones

Originally posted by By Janna Farley, LifeZette | December 7, 2016

Modern innovation has given us the technology to live life better, simpler, and with less. But teenagers today are busier than ever, stressed out, over-medicated, narcissistic — and losing the ability to connect with others.

Something is not working.

“Today we play ‘the game of life’ and rack up self-worth through likes, profile views, follows, re-tweets, etc.,” said Halley Bock, an expert in human dynamics and author of the forthcoming book in January, “Life, Incorporated: A Practical Guide to Wholehearted Living.” “We play for an audience, not for ourselves, and we become further disassociated with who we really are and what we are passionate about. So, just as we rely on others to boost our self-esteem and self-worth, we look to outside means to fill the emptiness we create when we live life on the stage.”

Short-lived bursts of momentary gratification hinder a teen’s ability to cultivate long-lasting, deep relationships, Bock told LifeZette. Living in a hyper-connected world has resulted in a more disconnected self.

“As we play to others, as if acting on stage to receive accolades via social media, we become less and less tethered to what intrinsically drives us. We become people-pleasers and lose touch with what produces fulfillment and long-term gratification for ourselves.”

But it’s not too late — teens can reconnect with loved ones, and more importantly, themselves, without technology.

“Every time we receive an alert on our devices, we receive a dopamine hit, which is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward.”

“As we play to others, as if acting on stage to receive accolades via social media, we become less and less tethered to what intrinsically drives us. We become people-pleasers and lose touch with what produces fulfillment and long-term gratification for ourselves.”

Bock shared more of her thoughts in an interview.

Question: How does technology hinder the way we connect with the people around us?

Answer: Technology is a lazy and easy form of relationship. Connecting with people in person requires vulnerability as our views may be challenged, an interaction may not go as planned, and we can’t tightly control the outcome. It also requires energy for sustained presence, listening, and empathy. When we relate online, we can be lazy with our words, our attention span, and the frequency and level of response. When too much time is spent communicating this way, it erodes our ability to connect and communicate in a meaningful way with another person in the flesh.

Q: Why do teens allow technology to get in the way of meaningful relationships?

A: Every time we receive an alert on our devices, we receive a dopamine hit, which is a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. The pull of dopamine is so strong it can create addictive behavior and has been linked to social media or online addiction. The impact that technology has on our brains can go a long way in explaining why we feel pulled to check our phones even when we are cognizant that it is not the best choice for the long-term.

[image error]Q: Are teenagers today more narcissistic than ever before?

A: Social media breeds narcissism, as it rewards us on a very surface level — usually appearances or special talent. And the algorithms social media uses — it pushes popular content out to more and more people — creates a feeding frenzy mentality. In turn, teens are placing value on superficial qualities. That said, I don’t think the majority of teens are narcissists. I would say they have narcissistic tendencies but are more likely lacking in self-worth and are quite insecure outside of the social media realm.

Q: Let’s talk about cultivating long-lasting deep relationships, and why this is so important.

A: This is how we develop compassion and empathy. Without these traits, we would disassociate and devolve into self-centered beings who have no concern for impact on another.

Q: What do you think will happen to teenagers as they become adults if they are so disconnected with others?

A: They will evolve from having narcissistic tendencies to full-blown narcissists and/or will needlessly struggle with communicating successfully with others. This could impact the workplace, family dynamics, and their ability to fit in and contribute to their larger communities.

Q: Yet abandoning all technology is not the answer either …

A: No, of course not. Technology provides access to information, viewpoints, communities, and opportunities that we wouldn’t have without it. Instead, the message is to recognize it for its strengths and not over-rely on it as a substitute for all communications and relationships. It can serve a temporary need to maintain or nurture an existing relationship, but it is no surrogate for the real deal.

Q: Why is it important for teenagers to stay connected with loved ones?

A: We’re human. We have a tribe mentality and every person needs it … at some point or other. As teenagers, we may feel we are invincible but the time always comes when we need the support of our family and friends. We need to have those relationships well in place and consistently nurtured in order to have them available to us and to provide support for others in their time of need.

Q: What can parents do here? How can they smartly help their teens reconnect with others?

A: Insist on technology-free zones or times of day. Turn off all screens (including the TV) and have conversation — meal times are perfect for this. Also, model the behavior you want to see. If you are staring at your device and/or sneaking glances constantly, then so will your children.

In addition, make it a point to visit with others in person over the weekend — and bring your children with you. And volunteer. Become active in the community.

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Serving Up Discourse for the Holidays: How to Navigate Post-Election Family Gatherings

The table is set, the turkey is in the oven, and holiday décor nests “just so” in every nook and cranny. It’s a familiar scene but this year it’s set against the backdrop of rabid political discourse. Instead of carving the bird amongst jovial faces, we’ll likely be cutting tension amidst guarded interactions.

This is the fear I hold as I ready my “blue” self to spend the holidays with my very “red” extended family. And given the amount of press inquiries I’ve received asking for my advice on how to handle this situation, it appears that I am not alone. So I owe it to myself, and everyone else out there who is about to walk into a highly charged environment, some thoughts on how to navigate the sea of forced interactions served up to us thanks to holiday tradition.

When I was first approached on this topic, I honest-to-god had a hard time coming up with coherent advice. My decades of experience in EXACTLY this subject matter (how to have difficult conversations, how to create connection with others, how to bridge the divide, blah-blah-blah) somehow seemed to fall short. I had never been confronted with an issue that produced as much angst, anger, and fear in me as this. What I wanted to utter was the advice to keep either your bottle or bible close to your chest at all times and be done with it. But that level of escapism didn’t quite scratch the itch and after some thought, I was able to come up with some more practical and mature options. That said, I still like this advice and see it as a viable option so I suggest we keep it on the table as Option C. Now for your other two options:

 

Option A: Say nothing. Hide. Stuff your feelings with mashed potatoes and gravy.

Okay, so perhaps I’m being a tad dramatic but in all seriousness, you do have the option to not engage. If you are the host, you could declare the gathering as a Politics-Free Zone explaining that you among many others have become fatigued with the issues, and while they are important and pressing, your goal is to give everyone a “day off” from debating or engaging on the topic. You just may find yourself the most popular host on the block by relieving your friends and family of their political party duties for one evening!

If you are not at the party of a host who has declared a safe zone and someone broaches the subject with you, you can respectfully decline to engage. In the same vein as our fearless host, you can share that you have given yourself this day to address all the other important and relevant topics that have been buried under the political fall-out. Such as catching up with your family on college plans, football picks, career changes, and other personal news.

 

Option B: Take the bait and/or go there.

Your other option is to seek out conversation or engage when you’ve been engaged. But BEFORE opting for this particular action, you need to get clear on your intention. Is your intention to: Prove you are right, change their mind, make them wrong, sprinkle shame like fairy dust blowing out of Tinker Bell’s you-know-what? If that is your intention, this is a non-starter. The election is over, the votes have been cast, and this will only result in more conflict. Please see Options A and C as better suited for you.

If, however, your intention is to: Widen your understanding, listen to learn, hear a differing perspective, and educate yourself then this, indeed, is the option for you. But be warned, you will need to possess copious amounts of patience, curiosity, and the serenity of Buddha himself. You will likely be triggered multiple times during this interaction as the other person will, naturally, be expecting an attack and may enter the conversation defensive, perhaps aggressive. But if you can hold onto your intention and avoid taking the bait of confrontation, then profound things can happen.

Remind yourself of your intention BEFORE entering into a conversation. In situations like this, I find having the objective of “being able to speak the concerns on behalf of this audience” as very powerful in keeping me grounded. This means that I am rarely making statements but, instead, am asking questions directed toward THEIR view of the issues at stake, THEIR fears involved, and the desired outcomes THEY are trying to achieve. Think of it as a reporter who has been assigned to represent this story in full color. Drop your position and don curiosity.

If I find myself asking leading questions or defending a position or questioning their intent, then I have lost the objective and thus the purpose of the interaction. When this happens, it’s either time to re-ground in the objective or disengage. But if you hang in there, remaining genuinely curious and compassionate, you will learn something about the situation or the person you didn’t know prior. And when we expand our own view of the world, we are better equipped to address the core issues and get to the cancer that is causing the turmoil. You also just may find that by allowing this person the space to be heard and seen, they may become curious with your perspective as well. Should they begin to ask questions, stay steady in your intention to describe your reality without laying blame. Lo and behold, a REAL conversation may take place and bring you closer than you had been before.

 

Option C: Get drunk on scripture or booze.

And then there’s this. Simply remove yourself from being a target by immediately getting hammered or spouting scripture at anyone who gets within 3 feet of you. That ought to scare off the liberals or conservatives trolling for a showdown.

 

In all seriousness, holidays are meant for coming together and experiencing unity and laughter. There is a common place of connection for each of us – we are family after all –  and we may need to look beyond politics to find and nurture it. Or, we can view these gatherings as our first opportunity to widen our view, understand our differences, and forge a path together to the future. I hope your interactions and holidays are full of the latter.

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Why We Were Shocked: The Loss of Connection

On Wednesday, November 9th 2016, I woke up to the news that Donald Trump had been named President Elect. Like half the nation, I was stunned. Reeling. As a gay woman, I was terrified. In a daze, I paced circles in my living room – the questions filling my head: How could this happen? Where did this come from? How could so many of us, myself included, be caught so off guard? I had no answers at the time only a profound sense of loss. I grieved for my gender, for my brothers and sisters in the LGBT community, for the bi-racial daughters of my trainer at my gym, for my 6-year old daughter and 8-year old son. To say that I was at a loss of words would be an understatement. I was gripped in a straight-jacket of fear that had laced around my chest, crushing my lungs, robbing me of words.

For hours I walked around like a zombie, disoriented and confused while making my way through the various stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, but I couldn’t seem to make my way to the final stage, acceptance. Instead, I looped through the first four stages and lingered. Being a gay woman in her 40s, I have experienced defeat. I have been in my fair share of battles, many of which did not go my way. And I have lived long enough to experience elections that delivered shocking and disappointing results but there was something different about this one. What it was, was the sheer magnitude of surprise and how violently the rug had been yanked from underneath me. I did not see it coming and that is what I find most upsetting about this election. That level of surprise even trumped Trump. And the fact that millions more like me are experiencing the same is the real issue we need to address. We have become disconnected as a nation and the nation is suffering as a result.

My father lives in the Midwest and I am 99% sure he voted for Trump. I found out about his support for Trump during a visit over the summer when a quip I made about Trump was met with a scathing remark about Clinton. I remember my surprise at the intensity of his emotions around Clinton which was then followed by an immediate decision to drop the subject and never return to it. I would make this decision a hundred times more as the months progressed and I now know that decision was fatal. If I had made a different decision to engage in an exploration of views, if all Americans had, we wouldn’t have been so surprised at what happened on November 9th. And if we had listened earlier, perhaps we may have experienced a different outcome altogether.

The fact is, there are a lot of disenfranchised Americans right now, mostly in rural areas. For years they have felt marginalized and ignored by the system and while my complaints are different and not necessarily in agreement, I know exactly how it feels to be pushed aside and overlooked. Anyone who has fought for their rights or the rights of others knows the epic levels of frustration dismissal can cause. As a country, we swing a pendulum of favoritism when one majority gains the mouthpiece and attention while the other suffers in shadows. At some point, that minority lassos the spotlight and the other is pushed down. No one listens to one another. Instead, we focus on the pendulum of power – trying to gather enough strength to muscle majority our way. In this way, the rifts only grow wider and more extreme. At this time of catastrophic division and chaos, it’s time to find our way back to one another. It’s time to start a conversation and mend the fabric of our nation through connection.

 

The Three C’s of Connection

The new framework under which we need to operate is one of courage, compassion, and curiosity. If we can embody these values, then we stand a chance of meeting back up with one another while creating a stronger America.

Courage. First, we must be courageous. We need to possess the grit to not only protect the rights and issues important to us but to understand that there are points of views on issues that need to be heard. And maybe, just maybe, through actually listening to these perspectives we may find that the approach or solution we’ve been so married to is flawed {gasp!} and that a better solution exists that no one side could have developed alone. To confront the possibility that we may be wrong takes guts and now is the time to suck up the nerve.

Compassion. Second, we need to work from a place of compassion not only for others but for ourselves. For ourselves, we need to embrace the momentary pain and not judge others for how they are processing the results. The nation needs healing and we can only bring that about by accepting what is here, just as it is. The reality is, THIS is our America like it or not. As we wrap our minds and arms around her, we need to include all those that are suffering eliminating the aisle that separates our views. We need to be willing to walk in one another’s shoes.

Curiosity. And, finally, as we open our mouths and step into those conversations, we need to embody the mind of an explorer. When we do, what will undoubtedly occur is the discovery that many Trump voters are not the caricatures that our Facebook stream and media would like us to believe. We will find that it is possible to vote for Trump and vote for gay rights. That it is possible to be a Republican and support a woman’s right to choose. How many are out there? Who’s to say. But we will never know if we stand defiantly in our corner, judging “the other” with blinders on.

 

America has always billed itself as “one nation” yet has rarely shown up as one. And while complete unity in such a diverse world isn’t possible, we can do a heck of a lot better than where we are now. Bottom line, there should be no surprises of this magnitude when it comes to our political system. If you were surprised, like me, then that is your sign to come off of the sidelines and onto the field. I look forward to seeing you there.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I’ll meet you there.

– Rumi

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If I Knew Then: About Patience

If I knew then what I know now about patience, I can’t help wondering whether the trajectory of my life would have been different.

Not that I’m at all unhappy about where I’m at… it’s just that for many years, I confused patience with passivity, and in those instances either waited with stoic forbearance for a person or situation to change, or obediently allowed someone or something to make my decisions for me. Patience, I was to learn, was something entirely different.

I actually became aware of the difference between patience and passivity several years ago as I was power walking on a treadmill at the gym. It came in the form of an epiphany…an “aha moment,” while I was eavesdropping on a conversation between two women on the treadmills to my right. As I recall, it was pretty mundane stuff, until one said to the other, “Yeah, I’m just killing time until I have to go to my next meeting.”

All of a sudden, it felt as though I was struck by lightning, and the words “killing time” began to reverberate in my head in an otherworldly voice that sounded like a cross between the Great and Powerful Oz and Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments: “killing time…Killing Time…KILLING TIME,” over and over…louder and LOUDER. Then in a split second my life, from early childhood, flashed before me.

I remembered how impatient I would become in those days or weeks between waiting for a birthday, or a party or vacations or holidays; and how that carried into my adult life: in romance, in business…from the time I boarded a plane to the time I landed, those hours in air had no value; between dates—killing time; waiting in a line for anything—a waste. It was as though that “in between time” was a void…a black hole.

As my mind continued to race, I felt an energy that had a life of its own… crystalizing seemingly disparate thoughts into a single cohesive mind-blowing concept. I understood the value of a single moment, and how each one was of equal importance…precious. I realized that I was the custodian of my moments…and they were not unlimited…not to be wasted, and that it was the journey and not the destination that was important.

Then a profound sense of calm washed over me as I returned to my body from wherever I had gone. I was still on the treadmill, walking; the same ladies were still to my right, chatting; and only a few moments had lapsed since my epiphany. I felt changed, but I didn’t know how.

As the days passed, life in New York presented me with ample opportunity to be impatient, but it wasn’t happening. I even got stuck on the runway at JFK for hours waiting for a storm to pass, but instead of getting antsy I made friends with the people in my row and the time passed quickly.

Since that day, I have been called a human Valium, a human Prozac and have been told I have a calming effect by people who don’t even know one another. I’d like to say I have evolved to the point where I never get impatient, and am no longer passive, but that’s not the case…although, I do have a true north that helps me get back on track, and at least I know the difference between patience and passivity.

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The One Question I Will Never Ask My Kids Again

The other night my 6-year old daughter, Uma, and I were relaxing on my bed before it was time to say good night. We were reading, chit-chatting, and enjoying each other’s company. At one point, I looked over and asked her, “Uma, what do you want to be when you grow up?” And as soon as the words left my mouth, I was struck by the absurdity of them.

It’s a question I was asked many times growing up and it’s a question I hear many others ask. It seems innocent enough right up until you actually HEAR the words you’re asking, which I had done a thousand times before.

“What (or who) do you want to be when you grow up?”

Here’s the problem. What I want my daughter to be when she grows up is Uma! I want her to be more of herself. Not identify her worth through what she does for a living but, rather, through showing up and being all of herself each and every day of her life. I don’t know about you but I’ve become exhausted by having to identify myself to others by what I “do” for a living rather than how I have impacted the world. Or for how I have influenced others. I don’t think it should be any surprise why people are killing themselves over their jobs – they simply want to BE someone GRAND. And our society has given them no other way to achieve that than through these limited means.

I propose we “do” something different. Lets stop asking our children what they want to be when the grow up. They want to be themselves. It’s us asking moronic questions like these that quiet their inner force. Instead, lets ask, “How would you like to impact this world?”  or “What influence would you like to have on others… this planet …the animals …your community …your family and friends?”

I think then we’ll have some interesting conversations! And I plan to take these with me to the next dinner party I attend. (if you see me there, consider yourself warned)

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Embracing “Good Enough” Parenting

(Originally posted on Grow Parenting | July 19, 2016)

I can think of no better time of year to revisit the concept of “good enough” parenting! With summer upon us, I am struck again by the disconnect between the kind of parent I wish I were and the kind that I actually am. My mythical ideal parent has her kids with her all day the whole summer enjoying inventive and educational opportunities as we bask in each other’s company without the distractions of technology or sweet treats (in this version, my kids don’t even ask for these things because they are outside playing in the woods and reading fortifying literature). In reality, I am the kind of mom who adores her children and needs a break from them. I love having summer time adventures together and I love for them to have their own independent adventures and for me to have mine as well.

The key here lies in my attitude towards my own idea of a perfect mom. When I recognize the disconnect between what is ideal and what is real for me without beating myself up, I am able to be content with my own good enough parenting. This does not mean that I let myself off the hook or that I don’t have high standards in my parenting, it simply means that I am being authentic to my own parenting style. I know that I will always be working on my relationship with my kids, working to be more present and more positive and accepting. But when I approach that work with self-compassion and self-knowledge I avoid the trap of beating myself up for all the ways that I fall short as a parent.

D.W. Winnicott, the noted British psychoanalyst, developed the idea of the “good enough mother” after World War Two. He also called this mother the “ordinary good mother” or the “devoted mother.” The idea is that the ways that we fail our children are myriad but that when we provide an ample base of love and support, our children will continue to thrive. In fact, if we met every single need of our children at every single moment, they would have little resilience or grit with which to approach the world at large. It is through these daily small failings—a baby who cries for minutes before being soothed, a toddler who falls and scrapes his knee, an older child whose parent loses her temper and speaks harshly at him—that a child learns that he is strong and capable. What is also key here is that in these examples, the child is soothed by the parent eventually or the parent does return and repair the damage done by harsh words. Thus, the child learns that he can overcome hard moments and he also learns that he can accept love and nurturance from a parent—this is the stuff of “ordinary, good” parenting. In fact, I would suggest that a child whose every need was met by his parent would grow up to be someone we would never want to spend time with as an adult. We must learn to trust ourselves and our independence, while still in the warm embrace of a loving parent.

Some parents never received this kind of parenting themselves and thus face the hard work of trying to parent without a map. These parents often judge themselves harshly and hold themselves up to incredibly high standards. To these parents I would suggest firmly that they are not their parents. Where we came from is important, but each day we get to move forward in new relationships with our children. Through self-awareness, that challenging job of “doing our own work,” we can heal our pasts through creating a positive, though imperfect, childhood for our own children. There is so much hope in this perspective, but it is only possible when we are aware of our own expectations and able to be realistic about parenting’s challenges.

Recently, a parent with whom I was working said that she hadn’t expected parenting to be so messy. I smiled in recognition. I also strongly believe that there is no way for it not to be messy. Parenting at its heart is about relationship and relationships are not often neat and tidy. Despite, or perhaps even because of this, they are places for enormous personal growth and self-revelation. When we embrace our “good enough” parent we make space for our own authenticity to shine through.

Resources

The Child, the Family, and the Outside World, by D.W. Winnnicott

Parenting from the Inside Out, by Dan Siegel

Mothering Without a Map, by Kathryn Black

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel

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The Art of Being Yourself

In this smart, powerful, and eye-opening TED Talk, Caroline McHugh reveals her insights on individuality — what keeps us from embracing our own uniqueness and how to fully possess it.

“Life is large. But most of us don’t take up nearly the space the universe intended for us, we take up the sweet space around our toes, which is why when you see somebody in the full flow of their humanity, its remarkable. They’re at least a foot bigger in every direction than normal human beings. And they shine, they gleam, they glow. It’s like they swallowed the moon. And all the work I’ve done has led me to believe that individuality really is all it’s cracked up to be, in fact people who are frightened to be themselves will work for those who aren’t afraid.”

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If I Knew Then: About Dieting

If I knew then what I know now about dieting, I might not have let it consume my life like it did, for as long as it did.

Since early childhood, someone was always watching my weight…and it wasn’t me because, at 5 years old, I didn’t know any better. I ate what I was given so, if I was headed for Chubbytown, it wasn’t me driving that train.

I first became aware that my weight was an issue when my mother—a model—made me and my grandmother join her in generational fashion show to raise money for charity. The outfit I was supposed to wear was too tight, so after several minutes of pulling, tugging and telling me to suck in my stomach, they gave up and put me in something totally random and unrelated to the theme.

It was the first time I ever felt embarrassed about my body…so much so that I hid backstage, crying my eyes out under the snare drums, hoping no one would find me until after the show was over. No such luck. My mother found me, and she was not happy.

As the announcer introduced us, my embarrassment morphed into defiance. “I’ll show YOU,” I thought, as I puffed myself up into some kind of Honey Boo Boo-like prancing show pony: hands on hips, snarling lips, all swagger, with a balls-to-the-wall attitude that made my hurt go away. Then out we came… me mimicking every catwalk move my mother made, like I was a sassy little supermodel.

The audience began to laugh, harder and louder with every move I made and it started to make me feel bad. “They’re making fun of me,” I thought. I remember feeling like I was being suffocated by shame. Years later, my shrink would tell me they were probably laughing because I was adorable, but you couldn’t have convinced me of that back then. Maybe if someone had comforted me at the time… hugged me and said it was OK; but no one did. Instead, I was put on my first diet.

Dieting coincided with me starting first grade. My first foray into the cafeteria got off to a pretty decent start. Everyone was “new”–no cliques had formed; no best friends had been made; lunch table politics hadn’t kicked-in yet, so it was a pretty level playing field. Each kid had a lunchbox; all that differed was the theme…until the soon-to-become-ritual unpacking of the boxes began.

Since it hadn’t occurred to me to pre-check the contents of mine, I had no expectations—silly me. One by one, out came the thermoses full or juice, sandwiches– bologna, PB&J, tuna salad, ham and cheese–bags of chips, pieces of fruit, cookies. Then it was my turn. I preface this by saying that if this happened today, it would have set me up as a really cool kid, but back in the day, a skinless chicken leg, cold artichoke, blue-tinged skim milk and a grapefruit made me seem like a freak.

My relationship with food forever changed that day…and so did I. Eating, which had previously been a carefree, innocuous and enjoyable part of my life, suddenly became fraught with anxiety. Every mouthful held the power to punish, reward, comfort. My mother’s laser-like focus on my weight made me feel abnormal, damaged, unlovable and unloved. She barely took notice of the fact I was smart, funny, talented, pretty; I began to define my value by the pound: the less I weighed, the more she seemed to love me.

“It’s amazing you’re not more ‘effed-up’ than you are,” my shrink told me at our first appointment. “You have a spark of mental health that’s helped you transcend your history.” I was 24 years old. Even as a child, I knew that I did—I just didn’t have the language for it. There was something in me that kept me going…that made me push through my fears.

Years ago I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), which for me, was like seeing myself through a distorted lens, regardless of my weight. I have weighed as much as 190 pounds and as little as 115 pounds—no matter. When I was having an “episode“, I’d look in the mirror and be so repulsed by what I saw, I’d literally feel nauseous…desperate.

It was when my therapist said, “I’ve seen you 40 pounds heavier, 40 pounds lighter and you’re never happy with your appearance, so maybe it’s not about your weight after all,” that something clicked. “Next time you’re feeling fat and ugly, take a few deep breaths and look at the kinds of thoughts you’re having and feelings you’re carrying around inside of you.” When I did, I discovered that I had repressed my anger; I hadn’t spoken up for myself when someone had done something aggressive or hurtful to me…at least not out loud. Instead, I would replay the situation over and over in my mind, thinking about what I should have said and didn’t, until I was so full of ugliness, I ended up hating myself. It had nothing to do with my body after all.

My shrink had given me a gift… a mental life jacket that would keep me from drowning in my own desperation…something I could really hold on to and integrate into my life.

In spite of the weighty issues that I have grappled with throughout my life, by focusing on feeding and nourishing my spirit, I have been able to achieve a healthier balance. It’s the weight of my character that defines me now.

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