Bill Rodgers's Blog, page 2
December 30, 2016
Driverless Cars! Can You Trust Them?
Driverless cars are now being tested in cities across the U.S. by Tesla, Uber, and Google. We’re putting our safety in the hands of companies whose names sound like Star Wars action figures.
Is this kind of technology reliable? How many times have you entered the address of a restaurant into your car’s GPS, only to have it lead you to some dark, deserted setting from The Walking Dead? Recalculating!
The success of driverless cars depends on their ability to communicate electronically…in other words, give each other the virtual finger. But with all this wireless connectivity, will they suddenly stop to play Pokemon Go?
At this point, we have more questions than answers. Like, who fills these cars up with gas? And after you’ve tossed back a record number of tequila shots at your favorite sports bar, can a driverless car navigate the all-night drive-thru at Burger King so you can scarf down a Triple Whopper?
Until these important issues are resolved, we’re still responsible for driving our own cars and not taking our eyes off the road, except when we’re texting.
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Driverless Cars! Can You Trust Them? appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
November 29, 2016
Oh, no! Christmas is coming!
There’s still leftover turkey in the fridge and they haven’t even finished counting the votes from the November election, but Christmas is barreling right toward us. And yet, we shouldn’t be too surprised.
Top Five Signs Christmas Is Coming:
5. The mall has been playing Jingle Bells since Labor Day.
4. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch is so rotten, it even makes your dog gag.
3. Your kids are trying to get off the “naughty list” by swearing they don’t know how the fire got started in your golf bag.
2. You’re actually thinking you might like to try egg nog again.
And The Number One Sign Christmas Is Coming:
1. You just paid off your credit cards from last Christmas.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!
Makes A Great Stocking Stuffer!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Oh, no! Christmas is coming! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
October 27, 2016
Aaaaggghhh! It’s Election Time!
Every four years, we have the presidential election and Halloween at about the same time. They completely take over TV and the Internet. There’s no escape!
Of course, Halloween and the presidential campaign coverage are two very different events. One is an endless stream of zombie-like characters scaring people all hours of the day and night. The other is Halloween.
But if you’re undecided and you feel that picking a candidate is like a bad Trick or Treat choice, you can get through this. Just grab your bag of Halloween mini Snickers, get a good sugar high going, close your eyes, hold your nose, and vote!
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Aaaaggghhh! It’s Election Time! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
September 29, 2016
Pull My Hoof!
California has passed a new law to regulate greenhouse gasses originating from dairy cattle. According to their research, methane gas from cow flatulence contributes to global warming, although some say that research doesn’t pass the smell test.
Apparently, the problem is not something easily handled with Febreeze or Rolaids.
It sounds like California is desperate to clear the air. What will they try next? Tell Kraft to stop cutting the cheese?
While these new regulations will make things difficult for the dairy industry, the person who will suffer the most is the inspector who has to go around to all the dairy farms to decide if the cows are too gassy. And you thought your job stinks!
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Pull My Hoof! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
August 26, 2016
Presidential Olympics
Every four years, we get to watch TV coverage of the Summer Olympics and the presidential race at the same time. The candidates go after each other like Olympic competitors, but things can get a little mixed up.
For instance, Donald Trump thinks fencing is something done on the border with bricks and mortar and barbed wire.
And when Hillary Clinton plays tennis, she uses her own private server.
While it’s fun to watch the presidential candidates compete in the tradition of the Olympics, we’re most grateful they don’t do it wearing Speedos.
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Presidential Olympics appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
July 28, 2016
It’s Political Party Time!
The Democrats are wrapping up their national convention this week in Philadelphia, nominating Hillary Clinton as their presidential candidate. Last week it was the Republicans in Cleveland nominating Donald Trump. These candidates are carefully chosen by electoral delegates whose qualifications appear to be their ability to wear silly hats, hold a cocktail in one hand, a sign in the other, and yell without spilling their drink.
Every four years, the whole world gets to witness this time-honored political pageantry. It looks like a WWE SmackDown challenge, but with fewer folding chairs being thrown.
Next up will be the televised debates between the two presidential candidates. If you want to participate in this part of the election process, just put on a funny hat, pour yourself a stiff drink, and yell at the TV!
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post It’s Political Party Time! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
June 30, 2016
The Laugh’s On Me!
Here is a sample joke from my latest book, History Retweets Itself: Texas Edition. Hope you get a chuckle out of it!
OUTLAWS & SCOFFLAWS
August 19, 1895
On this day…
outlaw John Wesley Hardin, who once claimed he’d killed 42 men, was shot and killed by a constable in the Acme Saloon in El Paso, Texas. According to legend, Hardin once shot a man for snoring.
After that, Hardin didn’t have much luck inviting his buddies for a sleepover.
@John_W_Hardin – Say what you want, but it did cure his snoring.
#SleepWalkersAreHarderToHit
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post The Laugh’s On Me! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
April 27, 2016
Arbor Day is for Tree Lovers!
National Arbor Day is celebrated on the last Friday in April, and is dedicated to the appreciation and planting of trees.
We love trees for their beauty. Trees are also loved by birds, cats, and especially dogs. Who doesn’t like trees? Okay, kites and frisbees, maybe. But that’s it.
So take time to really show your appreciation for trees on Arbor Day, because the next day is…
National Chainsaw Day!!
Now Available!
Find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
Signing books at the Full Circle Bookstore in Oklahoma City.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Arbor Day is for Tree Lovers! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
March 29, 2016
Get Ready for April Fools’ Day!
The origins of April Fools’ Day go back as far as the Roman Festival of Hilaria. Now, it’s celebrated by normally well-behaved people pulling horrible pranks on their friends, expecting all to be forgiven when they yell, “April Fools!”
But wouldn’t it be great if some things actually were April Fools’ jokes? Here are my top five picks:
#5
Commercials for new medicines that recite long lists of gross side effects.
#4
Selfie Sticks.
#3
The Kardashians.
#2
Kardashians with Selfie Sticks.
And the Number One thing I wish actually was an April Fools’ joke:
#1
Presidential Candidate Debates.
Of course, that wish will never come true. So just brace yourself for another April Fools’ Day!
Now Available!
Find it on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Get Ready for April Fools’ Day! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
February 27, 2016
Oh sure, Now it’s Funny!
As many of you know, I’ve been writing jokes about current events for many years. Now, I’m excited to finally put them into book form!
Today’s headlines are full of serious issues. But just give it a little time, and these things won’t seem so ominous. In fact, some will be downright funny. It’s always been that way. History Retweets Itself: Texas Edition takes a fun look at significant events through the lens of modern day social media. As an example, here’s an excerpt from the book:
DALLAS
May 19, 1894
On this day…
the original Parkland Hospital opened in a group of wood frame buildings at the corner of Maple and Oak Lawn Avenues. In 2015, the newest, state-of-the-art Parkland Memorial Hospital opened.
This new facility offers the latest in patient care technology, including the new iPoo digital bedpan from Apple.
#DownloadARingtone
#TheOtherBootyCall
Coming March 2, 2016!
Available on Amazon,Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Oh sure, Now it’s Funny! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
