Bill Rodgers's Blog
December 14, 2017
The Oil Field Night Before Christmas
The Oil Field Night Before Christmas by Bill Rodgers
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the patch,
Not a roughneck was stirring, not even to scratch.
The drill pipe was stacked by the derrick with care,
In hopes a new drill bit soon would be there.
It had all gone so well for the first thousand feet,
And it looked like the schedule might even be beat.
But all came to a stop when we hit solid rock.
We had run out of luck, no more drill bits in stock.
The crew in the bunkhouse bedded down for the night.
No engines were running, not since sunset’s last light.
So with nothing to do but wait in the shack,
I pulled out a cot and had just hit the sack.
When from out on the lot there came such a racket,
I jumped out of bed and threw on my old jacket.
I tripped and I slipped as I ran ‘cross the floor,
Till I reached the far side and yanked open the door.
The moon on the mud pit spread light all about,
Like the high voltage spotlights had not been turned out.
When, from out of nowhere, there appeared in the glow
A small diesel rig with a flatbed in tow.
It circled the sky, leaving contrails and stripes,
As bright colored smoke billowed out of its pipes.
Then it swooped to the ground, where it rolled to a stop,
As the hiss of the airbrakes made one final pop.
The driver’s door opened right in front of my eyes,
When out jumped a man of diminutive size.
His hair was all gray, and his beard even grayer,
His coveralls smudged with a 30-weight layer.
Could this be the mythical figure of lore?
The one spoken of by so many before?
His name, Hal E. Burton, by my best rationale,
But most folks just called him jolly Saint Hal.
He rared up and whistled, when out of the back
Tumbled eight little helpers, running ‘round in a pack.
Saint Hal gave a chuckle, as beside him they came,
Then he pointed and shouted and called them by name.
“Hey, Boomer! Hey, Lefty! Hey, Curly and Louie!
Yo, Scooter! Yo, Shifty! Yo, Swifty and Chuy!”
Half climbed on the flatbed, half stayed on the ground,
While they loosened the tie downs and chains all around.
The cargo was wrapped in a velvety tarp.
What was it, I wondered, my curiosity sharp.
They threw back the cover to proudly reveal
A magical drill bit of diamonds and steel.
All eight elfin helpers surrounded the gift,
Then hoisted it high in one unison lift.
Toward the platform they scrambled and fastened the bit
To the end of a drill pipe for a good, solid fit.
Saint Hal stepped right up as if leading a band,
With a wave of his arm and a twirl of his hand.
The equipment responded and sprang into action.
The turntable turned to his great satisfaction.
As the drill bit descended down into the hole,
It appeared that Saint Hal had accomplished his goal.
He looked all around, then did bellow and call,
“Now, frac away, frac away, frac away all!”
He sprang to his rig and his helpers pursued,
Leaving everyone hope for an abundance of crude.
Then I heard him exclaim, as they made their way out,
“Happy Christmas to all, and an early pay out!”
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“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
October 26, 2017
Halloween is Coming!
Halloween is Coming!
Halloween is lurking around the corner. Here are some of the worst Halloween costumes you might see.
TOP FIVE WORST HALLOWEEN COSTUMES:
5. Zombie Massage Therapist
4. Frankenstein Karaoke Singer
3. Incredible Hulk Customer Service Rep
2. Bloodsucking Vampire IRS Agent
And the number one worst Halloween costume:
1. Edward Scissorhands Proctologist
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
September 14, 2017
Football is Here!
Football is Here!
The NFL season has finally started. But while you’re cheering for your favorite team, it’s interesting to note that many original team mascots have been changed over the years. Here’s a few that didn’t last.
TOP FIVE REJECTED TEAM MASCOTS:
5. Chicago Chia Pets
4. Philadelphia Philanderers
3. Denver Derelicts
2. Pittsburgh Parolees
And the number one rejected team mascot:
1. Baltimore Ballerinas
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
July 27, 2017
Tweeter-In-Chief!
Tweeter-in-Chief!
President Trump is the first president known for using Twitter to blast out his message. Ever wonder what George Washington would have tweeted? Now, through the magic of Internet algorithms, we know!
Top 5 Tweets by @realGeorgeWashington:
5. That British town crier keeps yelling fake news! Sad! #TownLiar
4. It takes like forever to pose for a selfie because the paint has to dry. #ButHardToPhotoBomb
3. As a flag maker, Betsy Ross is sew-sew. LMRAO (Laugh My Revolutionary Ass Off)
2. Hey, @KingGeorgeIII. I’ll make you a good deal on some used red coats! #RoyalLoser
And the Number 1 @realGeorgeWashington tweet:
1. Say what you will about my powdered wig, but at least it’s not orange! 
June 29, 2017
Keep Your Cool this 4th of July!
Keep Your Cool This 4th of July!
Top 3 things to wear to beat the heat on the 4th of July:
3. Haagen Dazs hat
2. Popsicle Speedo
And the number 1 thing to wear to beat the heat:
1. Sno Cone bikini top
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
May 25, 2017
Summer’s Coming!
Summer’s Coming!
Top 3 ways you know you’ve gotten too much sun:
3. Your body sets off the smoke detector.
2. Your skin smells like someone is frying Spam.
and the No. 1 way you know you’ve gotten too much sun:
1. You’re so red, lobsters laugh at you.
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
April 27, 2017
Oh Sure, Now it’s Funny!
Time changes everything! Here’s an example from History Retweets Itself: Rock and Roll Edition.
PUNK
September 2, 1980
On this day…
American punk rock band Dead Kennedys released their first album, Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables. Among their most popular songs are “Holiday In Cambodia” and “Police Truck.”
The original lead singer, Jello Biafra, ran for mayor of San Francisco in 1979, finishing fourth out of ten. His slogan was, “There’s always room for Jello,” and his platform included a requirement that businessmen would have to wear clown suits.
The best part about being a businessman in a clown suit? A nametag that squirts water.
#CrowdedCarpoolingInAClownCar
#YourBossIsARealBozo
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
March 30, 2017
Get Ready for April Fools’ Day!
The origins of April Fools’ Day go back as far as the Roman Festival of Hilaria. Now, it’s celebrated by normally well-behaved people pulling horrible pranks on their friends, expecting all to be forgiven when they yell, “April Fools!”
 
But wouldn’t it be great if some things ACTUALLY WERE April Fools’ Jokes?
Here are my top five picks:
#5
Income taxes.
#4
Assembly instructions written in what appears to be Klingon.
#3
High-speed Internet service that is slower than the Pony Express.
#2
“Easy Opening” medicine bottles that even the Jaws of Life can’t open.
And the Number One thing I wish actually was an April Fools’ joke:
#1
That orange alien creature living on top of President Trump’s head.
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Get Ready for April Fools’ Day! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
February 23, 2017
It’s Here!
Sneak Peek!
MARCH 9, 1970
On this day…
British rock singer Ozzy Osbourne performed with Black Sabbath in their first public concert. In 1979, he began his solo career. Often called the Prince of Darkness, some of Ozzy’s best-known songs include “Bark at the Moon” and “Crazy Train.” During a 1982 live performance in Des Moines, Iowa, someone threw a bat onstage. Thinking it was fake, Ozzy, who was high at the time, picked it up and bit off its head. To his surprise, the bat was alive.
Of course, he wasn’t quite as surprised as the bat.
#WorstMunchiesEver
#YouCouldUseATicTac
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and IndieBound.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post It’s Here! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
January 26, 2017
Cover Reveal!
Following is an excerpt from History Retweets Itself: Rock & Roll Edition.
Available February, 2017. Watch for it!
JANUARY 8, 1935
On this day…
Elvis Presley, the King of Rock & Roll, was born in a two-room shack in Tupelo, Mississippi. He went on to become not only one of the biggest influences on Rock & Roll, but on popular culture, as well. In addition to his musical career, Elvis appeared in 31 movies. He had his first No. 1 hit single, “Heartbreak Hotel,” in 1956. Sixteen years later, in 1972, Elvis recorded his last major hit, “Burning Love.”
Turns out, “Burning Love” can now be easily treated with penicillin.
#AlsoWorksOnTheBoogieWoogieFlu
#ThereAintNoCureForTheSummertimeBlues
Now Available!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and in Austin at BookPeople.
“Bill has been making me laugh for over twenty years!”
Jay Leno
“Will tickle your funny bone. Damned clever!”
Jesse Sublett, Author, Musician, Austin Character
“Bill knows where the funny is!”
Shannon Sedwick, Esther’s Follies
The post Cover Reveal! appeared first on Bill Rodgers - Comedy Writer.
