Meg-John Barker's Blog, page 18

Is non-monogamy for you?

In the second of my two interviews with Lori-Beth Bisbey, we chat about how to know if non-monogamy, or polyamory, is for you, and some of the practicalities of being non-monogamous.

We talk about how to figure out what relationship style works for you, as well as meta-communication, time-management, and dealing with difficult feelings like jealousy.

You can listen to the Sex Spoken Here podcast here.

If you fancy exploring these things more for yourself, check out our Make You Own Relationship User Guide zine over at megjohnandjustin.com.

What is non-monogamy?

I was recently interviewed for Lori-Beth Bisbey‘s Sex Spoken Here podcast about non-monogamy and polyamory.

We chatted about the spectrum from monogamies to non-monogamies, non-monogamy as an orientation or identity, and how to figure out what relationship style works best for you.

Check out the podcast here if you’re interested.

 

Please fill out my survey if you’ve read Rewriting the Rules!

This is just a reminder that later in 2017 I’ll be writing a second edition of my book Rewriting the Rules and I’m looking for your feedback to help me.

I’m very keen to hear what the readers of Rewriting the Rules think could be done to improve the second edition. This survey is to find out what you liked about the book, what didn’t work so well for you, and what things you’d like to see changed or added.

The new edition will be the same length as the old one to keep it as accessible as possible, but I’m able to change about 10-20% of the material, and I want to make sure those changes are helpful ones. That’s where you come in.

This survey will take approximately 10 to 20 minutes, depending how many suggestions you want to give me. You’ll be asked what you thought about the format of the book, and the overall content, before summarising your feelings on the book and any changes you’d like to see.

It’ll be anonymous so I won’t know who you are, or name you if I quote you. The only thing required is that you’ve read Rewriting the Rules. Feel free to stop at any time if you don’t want to continue.

I can’t promise that all suggestions will make their way into the second edition, but I will certainly do my best to incorporate those which several people agree on. Any that don’t make it into the book may well inform the resources on this website, and I might also write up the survey responses for a brief paper and use some of your comments in the second edition.

Please share this with anybody else you know who has read the book.

Thanks so much for your time.

Take the Survey

Explore more: Sex and relationship advice

The Explore More summit started yesterday, and my vid went live today, along with excellent chats between Dawn Serra and Feminista Jones (sexuality and anti-racism expert) and Betty Martin (consent inspiration).

Check out this page to watch all the vids and find out more about the rest of this amazing free online summit about sex, love, relationships, self-care, and much more.

Or watch my vid below which covers:

The systemic & pervasive problems with sex advice, and what Justin Hancock and I are proposing as an alternative to enjoying sex.
Why having sexual goals (orgasm, erection, wetness, intercourse) pushes us further from pleasure & connection.
Getting our needs met from a variety of sources and the importance of valuing non-romantic, non-sexual relationships.
Consent for the entire relationship and what that looks like for all of us.

Us and them, relationships, and mental health: Explore More Summit

Here’s a teaser video for my slot on the Explore More Summit. There’s still plenty of time to sign up to this fabulous free online event on sex, love, relationships, and much more.

My full video will be appearing on the summit on Thursday (9th March) and I’m stoked to be on the same day as the amazing black feminist writer and activist Feminista Jones, and one of my all-time consent heroes, Betty Martin.

Queer and bisexuality made simple

Lots of interviews are coming out at the moment! Here’s one I did with Alex Dueben from Comics Beat about the book I wrote with Julia Scheele – Queer: A Graphic History.

It’s a great interview because it covers a lot of the key ideas in that book pretty simply. There’s also a nice long section about the complexities around bisexuality in relation to queer, which is something that a lot of people have been asking about.

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Late last year Icon Books released Queer: A Graphic History by Meg-John Barker and Julia Scheele which looks at queer theory and the ideas and people that shaped this way of examining and thinking about society and individuals. Barker is a therapist, activist, writer and a senior lecturer at the Open University in the UK. They were kind enough to chat about the book and try to lay out some of the core concepts behind queer theory, which Barker admits are complicated.

Alex Dueben: Where did the idea for this book come from? What made you interested in making a graphic novel?

Meg-John Barker: Icon books have this whole series of books called ‘Introducing…’ where they try to make complex academic or political ideas accessible and engaging to everybody using the comic format. When they asked me if I’d be interested in writing one of these books about queer I was so excited. My love of comics goes back to childhood and I’ve been heavily into graphic novels all of my adult life. I also found the Introducing books super helpful myself when I was a student and trying to wrap my head around existentialism, Freud, or Foucault, for example.

At the same time as having a passion for comics, I’ve always been convinced that queer theory and queer activism has a lot to offer everyone, not just academics, activists, or people who identify as queer. So this was my opportunity to get that across.

Dueben: What was the process like? What did you give Julia and how were you initially envisioning the book? Read more…

Talking Gender

Seems like I’ve been talking about gender with lots of people lately. A couple of pieces came out this week that I want to share.

First you can here me chatting with the lovely Dr. Lori-Beth Bisbey on her A-Z of sex podcast about transgender, and gender in general, here.

Second there’s a nice long piece over on KQED about non-binary gender, which includes a quote from me. Here’s the full interview that I did with them if you’d like to read more…

What are the findings of the little research there is on the topic of non-binary gender identities?

So far we know that around 1 in 250 people identify as non-binary when given a choice between male, female and another option, but in terms of experience over a third of people say that they are to some extent the ‘other’ gender, ‘both genders’ and/or ‘neither gender’. Globally many cultures recognise more than two genders.

Those who identify as non-binary, and/or express themselves in ways that challenge binary gender, face similarly high levels of mental health difficulties to trans people generally due to the extent of transphobia in our culture. 40% of non-binary people have attempted suicide at some point, a third have experienced physical assault, and a sixth sexual assault based on their gender.

Like bisexual people, non-binary people often face erasure or invisibility in cultures that insist that gender and sexuality are binary (you are either male or female, straight or gay). Everyday misgendering and other microaggressions take a toll on non-binary people, as does discrimination from both straight and gay communities, and difficulties being recognised in their gender in the workplace, by medical professionals, and legally.

You mention your upcoming book, which will deal with this topic in-depth. Can you give us a little preview of what you discuss in relation to non-binary gender?

Absolutely. The book that Alex Iantaffi and I have written on gender focuses on the fact that all of us have a unique experience of gender. Whether we are binary or non-binary, trans or cisgender, we all have to navigate rigid social ideals about appropriate gender roles and behaviour, and these also have a negative impact on all of us. The book aims to help everyone to reflect on their own gender journey and how gender intersects with other aspects of their identities and backgrounds such as race, class, disability, age, etc.

So while the book contains lots of information about non-binary gender, including the words that people are currently using to describe themselves, and different options in terms of appearance and expression, it never suggests that those are unique to non-binary people. We all have a gender and we all express it and identify it in various ways.

Do you have any historical take on the genesis of non-binary gender as an accepted idea in the west?  That seems to be mid to late 2000s, according to therapists, academics, etc.

Yes I agree. I think the internet has a lot to do with the fact that non-binary gender, and asexuality as well, have been recently far more recognised and understood. People have been more able to find other people with similar experiences, and it’s also been easier to raise awareness in the wider world via social media. This has a knock-on effect that a lot of people who experienced themselves in non-binary ways in the past are now able to be more open about that, and identify in that way, because people have more awareness of non-binary experience, pronouns, etc.

Anything to say about non-binary gender in other cultures?

The important point is that there have always been non-binary genders across history and across the world. In the western world our understanding of gender used to be that there was one gender, with

women just being an inferior version of men. The current idea of two ‘opposite’ genders is a relatively new one. And there are cultures around the world which have three or five genders, or where gender just isn’t considered to be as important an aspect of being a human as it is in western culture.

Is there any indication that there’s a biological basis for those who feel neither male nor female?

Actually for all of us gender is complexly biopsychosocial. That means that it’s really impossible to completely tease apart which elements of our gender experience come from our genetic makeup, which from our life experiences, and which from the wider social forces around us.

All those things interact in complex ways. From research with intersex people we know that there is actually diversity (rather than a binary) across all aspects of sex: our chromosomal make-up, our levels of circulating hormones, the structures of our brains, and the ways our bodies express sexual characteristics. Anne Fausto-Sterling’s work on this is very useful. From recent neuroscience we know that our bodies and brains are massively influenced by what we learn growing up, and the social messages around us. So even when something is ‘biological’ that doesn’t necessarily mean we were ‘born that way’. Cordelia Fine’s work on this is very helpful.

It’s best to view gender and sexuality (whether binary or non-binary) as a complex biopsychosocial thing. It’s also useful to question why we’re often so keen to find its roots in innate biological factors. Perhaps if we recognised that somebody’s gender or sexuality shouldn’t make a difference to the way we treat them, then we’d be less concerned with questions of causation.

Have you treated non-binary patients? If so, what are the biggest issues they face? 

I certainly have worked with several non-binary clients – all adults in my case. I also looked at a survey done by the Beyond the Binary website on non-binary experience. The main issues faced by NB people

are:

Inability to access education, work, housing, or healthcare without misgendering oneself
Inability to have gender recorded correctly on medical, legal, educational, and other records
Hospitals, prisons, care-homes and other institutions failing to recognise gender accurately
Lack of accessible public facilities (toilets, changing rooms, sports facilities, etc.)
Facing constant misgendering by others in relation to pronouns, titles, and everyday terms
Everyday harassment, discrimination and hate-crime, leading to feeling very unsafe
Inability to access many trans healthcare services due to lack of non-binary provision
Feeling forced to present as male/female to be accepted, access work and make a living
Intense school and/or workplace bullying due to gender expression
Being labelled as ‘difficult’, ‘dangerous’ or ‘unprofessional’ when being open about gender, and the negative impact of this on employment, salary, childcare and/or accessing services
Being forbidden in school or work settings from presenting as non-binary -no legal recourse

Anything else you want to say on this topic?

As well as the book with Alex, I have a recent book out which covers a lot of these ideas about gender – and sexuality – in comic form.

My clinical colleagues Christina Richards, Walter Bouman and I are also just finishing a book which covers everything about non-binary gender for psychologists, medics, surgeons, etc. We hope to ensure that non-binary people have as easy an experience with gender services in the future as trans men and women do. This paper gives an overview of some of that material.

Talking relationships & history on the BBC

On Friday I was interviewed for a BBC World Service programme on love and marriage. It’s a great show covering the unexpected invention of speed-dating as well as historical and cross-cultural segments on marriage, divorce, non/monogamy, and same-gender relationships.

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My bit is mostly based around the book Jacqui Gabb and I published last year: The Secrets of Enduring Love. Particularly we chat about how the historical situation of relationships in our current cultural context can make it more – rather than less – difficult for them to endure, and what we might be able to do about that.

Have a listen to the show here if you’re interested.

Enrich TV: Interview on love and sex

Hey everyone. Here’s a new video interview with me chatting about various projects with Darya from Enrich TV, including my top relationships tips:

Reflect on the cultural messages about relationships and how well they fit for you
Consider treating all kinds of relationships as valuable, rather than prioritising romantic ones
Recognise that separateness is as important as togetherness
Practise being present to how things are now, remembering that everything changes over time
Put sex in its place (wherever that is for you)

I hope you enjoy it…

Explore More Summit

I’m so excited to announce that I’m speaking at the Explore More Summit again this year. I had a great time last year and was very pleased to be invited back to chat more about the Enjoy Sex book and many many other things.

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Explore More is a free online summit that is all about exploring your more: in sex (of all kinds), in your relationships, and in your life.

There are talks on sexual pleasure, body politics, oppression, diet culture, trauma, emotional intelligence, disability, and so so much more.

It all starts March 8th and runs for 10 days, but if you register early you get a free mini workbook full of prompts, questions, and quotes from all of the talks. Also there’s a private Facebook group where you can connect with other attendees and the speakers.

If you fancy it, grab your spot, check out the line up, and tell your friends – exploremoresummit.com