Amy Lane's Blog: Writer's Lane, page 16

Don't Panic...

She's fine.

There's that moment in the Harry Potter movies, where Mrs. Macgonagal looks at Harry, Hermione and Ron and goes, "Why is it always you?"

Ron replies, "Believe me, Professor--we ask ourselves the same question."

Geoffie.

If anyone is going to get sick, it's Geoffie.


When she weighed three pounds she stepped on a fox tail, it penetrated her widdle foot, and she was the sorriest 3 lb. piece of fluff on the planet.
When she was two years old, I went away for the weekend and came back to her life-threatening eye infection.
A year later, I gave three dogs a big pork soup bone to gnaw on. One dog got a chunk of bone too big to digest in her teeny digestive track and almost died.
And this?
We have no idea.
It started out as a boo-boo, and then she chewed on it and it became an ouchie, and today she was three-legging it around the park and now she has a cone of shame and a goblin paw.
And she's been force fed pills and had icky stuff rubbed on her skin.
She is every bit the sad panda.
But she is, indisputably, ours.

Valentines Day and Serendipity...

Okay-- so I wasn't going to post today, I was going to write a story for Patreon, but the following happened.

I've been working on a pair of socks and I'm so close to done--like, one good conversation and some Friday night TV close to done.

But there was a sale on this super bulky yarn, and I... I had one of those moments of inspiration.

I KNEW what this yarn wanted to be.

I could imagine this yarn being knitted, I could imagine the pattern, I could imagine myself wearing it. It would be so romantic--a hooded infinity scarf, super bulky yarn, off-white with eggplant colored edging.

I HAD to make this scarf.

Well, I was at my desk today when I got a text from ZoomBoy--"My teacher wants you to make her a sweater."

Ha ha--very flattering. But then, I thought about this teacher. It's his choir teacher--she's been the choir teacher through grade school and middle school--she's the one behind the fantastic choir program, who makes beautiful shows out of air and wishes and kids who adore her.

If anyone deserved a sweater, it was this teacher.

Alas, I needed to finish this scarf and then the socks and then...

Wait.

About that scarf...

So I picked ZoomBoy up from school and we laughed about the sweater thing and I said, "Do you think she'd want a scarf instead?"

He laughed and I said, "It should be done tonight--maybe you bring it in tomorrow and say 'My mom can make you a sweater but it will be a while. Maybe this can keep you warm while you wait.'"

He loved the idea--and even Squish said, "Oh, Mom, I'd give up my own sweater so she could have one. She's superhuman. She deserves a sweater."

But it meant I had to push on through to finish, and, well, there went my time for the Patreon.

And there went my dreams of me in the hooded scarf--but that's fine. I don't think was ever really meant to be mine anyway. Next week is President's week and the kids just finished a big program--I think if anybody deserves knitwear it's ZoomBoy's choir teacher.

Besides--Mate sent me flowers. I've been pretty much taken care of this Valentine's Day, you think?

Lovefest 2020

Oddly enough, everybody wanted to know about my day.
Seriously--I have repeatedly told people, "I live a very uninteresting life!" and about six people asked--but, oddly enough, I have something to tell!
For starters--last night, I thought I'd lost my fingerless mitts on my walk, and I was much depressed. :-(  
This morning, on the first leg of my loop, I FOUND them, and I was much cheered!  :-)
And then, after finishing the loop, I put the dogs in the car and realized I couldn't find my keys, and I was much panicked!  

When your native tongue is Lit Geek!

Okay-- so, sorry I didn't report back last night. So. Tired. Also, I had to make up word count.

But teaching at the East Bay chapter of RWA was a blast! Lovely, lovely authors--all of them kind and accepting, and I felt right at home. Their usual room was hijacked by somebody (there was much grrrrrrrr about this--heads will roll!) and we had a smaller classroom and it was packed to the gils. (See the chapter's promo picture of me with Kilby Blades, who, bless her, was the one who asked me to speak
But there was enough oxygen for people to breathe and to laugh at my jokes and I was much encouraged.

I got to use a real life example in my speech--I was talking about character communication.

"Yes, so very often people don't talk--but that doesn't mean communication doesn't happen. As an example, you may notice the little favors at your desk? Well, my Mate and I got up early this morning to get me here, so that I might have my coffee, and I was halfway through my coffee--when all good insights come--when it hit me. I had left the bag with the favors at the hotel. So I said this to Mate. Who went, "Really? Dammit." And then he stood up, gave me a kiss, and muttered, "I'll be back in a minute."

"Thank you Mate. I love you."

"Grumble grumble grumble."

"But ladies, I submit to you, that you all have those favors, and my Mate just said 'I love you' very very clearly, without saying a recognizable word."

Many, many hands were held to chests, and then I hit them with, "And he got me a SPACE HEATER for my WRITING SPACE for Christmas!"  I told him he will be much in demand after my passing--people got misty-eyed, I swear.

He doesn't believe me. That's okay. We can let him think I"m the only one who sees what a marvelous Mate he is.

Anyway--I talked to people. It was OUTSTANDING. And then we came home and there was napping, and the kids didn't feel great on Sunday so... we went to a movie. We have been trying to see Ford vs. Ferrari for MONTHS. And it was good. So good. Laughed my ass off. Cried like a baby.

Had a very lovely date weekend that was not officially date weekend with my Mate. 

So sorry--reinventing the wheel...

Okay-- so, VERY short post tonight.

This weekend, I am, alas, not going to be at the Lavender Library with my QSAC folks--and I'll miss it! *waves* Instead, Mate and I are driving to Berkeley tomorrow night (the older kids including my ginormous son will be here with the younger kids which makes me very happy).

Anyway-- I'm teaching on Saturday morning for the RWA Chapter that meets in Berkeley and you guys I'M SO EXCITED.

SO excited that I did what any good presenter would do and opened my worksheet files and Power Point to brush up on what I had to say so I didn't get in front of all those lovely writers and go, "GEEGLE agglplak GURK!!!!"

Because that's a fear, you know, when you're talking to a group of lovely and consummate professionals who possibly know more than you do about writing books, and you're there to tell them how YOU write books, and you're not sure that does anybody any good at all.

Anyway-- I open my notes and I realize... there's something... there's something...

Wait a minute... this is the hour version. It's not stored with the hour version, but this is the hour version. I had an entire version of this which took around 1 1/2--2 hours, and I was very proud of that. Had the whole "Setting the table for dinner" thing, looked very impressive.

I knew I had that--I presented it in Emerald City in October--and it wasn't there.

So if I've been a little MIA in social media, and if I've seem a little distracted, it's because I've been rewriting that, and repracticing that, and... and... and.... EGGLE agglplak GURK!!!!

Or, you know, something along those lines.

If anyone needs me, I'll be the passenger in a shitty Odyssey on the way to Berkeley tomorrow, boring my husband to death with Fiction Haiku: Conflict and Setting the Table for Dinner.

Because he's seen me to the Geegle aggleplak gurk thing, and he was not impressed.

Life as Yakety Sax

https://youtu.be/w8j-U6L8lFA


So VERY short post today-- I just want to say, my life is a circus, and I'm not so sure I'm the ringleader.

Picked the kids up from school--nothing. Silence all the way home. I actually got lost in my audiobook and forgot they were there. Then Squish was like, "I'm talking to my former crush about my present crush and I need to go."

She ran into the house and had an actual conversation. AN ACTUAL PHONE CONVERSATION.

When does that happen?

Then I have to admit--I crashed for a lONG TIME. (I think my cold is trying to come back. There was a lot of sleeping today--and all of it was necessary.) When I woke up the house was still silent. Had to check to see the kids were breathing.

Then Mate got home.

Chaos.

Sheer chaos. He was doing knee exercises on the floor--with dogs. The cat got locked in the garage. Suddenly everyone has forgotten how to make their own tacos. (How does that happen, people? Mommy puts a taco bar in front of you and you forget how to eat?)

We settle down for a little bit, watch some Leverage, get our hearts broken by The Good Place finale, and then, just when Mate was down for some ass-kicking with John Wick 3? 

ZoomBoy needs to know how to write satire, Squish is discussing the nature of humanity via her essay on Frankenstein and the dogs have heard the call. *ding* LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!*

Mate hits pause on the TV so I can discuss the nature of satire and humanity and we're off to the races. Finally, everybody gets settled with bed or homework, and I get a chance to go kiss my Mate goodnight while I go to work.

The dogs follow me in.

There I am trying to have a nice conversation in the dark with my Mate and it's like Yakkety Sax is playing in the background.

Finally I get out here to my computer, ZB is still working on the essay and it's quiet...

Too quiet.

*sigh*

Kermit Flail--February!!!

YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!
So last month I was worried about February because January sucked so hard--but you know something? February is the shortest month of the year--and there are some awesome things planned for this February, including a chance to teach next Saturday in Berkeley. So I am going to WOOT-WOOT! and celebrate this February-- it is the month of love, dammit, and I want everybody to get a Valentine's Day card, because I said so that's why. 
And speaking of Valentines...
We have some adorable creations here.
First we have Powder and Pavlova, a BRAND NEW release from Jay Hogan, with an adorable "just a fling" premise. Definitely worth checking out!

Powder and Pavlova
by Jay Hogan
ETHAN SHARPE is living every young Kiwi’s dream—seeing the world for a couple of years while deciding what to do with his life. Then he gets a call.
Two days later he’s back in New Zealand. Six months later his mother is dead, his fifteen-year-old brother is going off the rails and the café he’s inherited is failing. His life is a hot mess and the last thing he needs is another complication—like the man who just walked into his café,a much older…sinfully hot…EPIC complication.
TANNER CARPENTER’s time in Queenstown has an expiration date. He has a new branch of his business to get up and running, exorcise a few personal demons while he’s at it, and then head back to Auckland to get on with his life. He isn’t looking for a relationship especially with someone fifteen years his junior, but Ethan is gorgeous, troubled and in need of a friend. Tanner could be that for Ethan, right? He could brighten Ethan’s day for a while, help him out, maybe even offer some… stress relief, no strings attached.
It was a good plan, until it wasn’t.

Buy HERE 
Moving on, we have a spot of M-Preg, and what looks to be a sweet maiden-uncle sort of hero, with a love handles and a lot of love to give--let's hear it for Misha Paige and A Serpent's Bond!!!


A Serpent's Bond
Myth Kissed
by Misha Paige

A former foster kid, Hudson always had a simple dream for a perfect life. A husband to love and a family he could come home to every night. It wasn’t a fancy wish, but it might as well have been.

Approaching forty, he’s still single—and fighting the battle of the bulge—so his dream probably wasn’t going to happen. Not in this lifetime.

Especially not with Drakein Nacash, the drop dead gorgeous man who’s the subject of his nightly fantasies and barely even knows he exists.

In one day, his life is turned upside down and he’s introduced to a myth turned real. What if he could have everything he ever dreamed of?

Buy HERE 

And I have to admit--while most of my Kermit Flail books are sent to me, I have one here that I sort of, well, stole. Kilby asked me to participate in the promotional chat for this one, and it looked so awesome--and it's Kilby's first M/M book--so I wanted to give her a big welcome and a *muwah* from all of us in M/M land. Let's hear it for Kilby Blades and Adam Bomb--YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!

Adam Bomb
by Kilby Blades
Moguls, Royals, and Rogues

Can a lifelong friendship survive the fallout?

Levi Cossio’s best friend Adam has always been larger than life: a smoking-hot billionaire hotelier whose charm can bend the world to his whim. When New York City stops being big enough for both of them—at least if Levi ever wants to fall out of love with Adam—he leaves it behind for a job in in San Francisco.

But when Adam pulls an Adam—upending the calm new life Levi has come to love with a plea to lend his talent to a worthy cause—Levi is helpless to resist. Adam will be the first Fortune 100 CEO to come out of the closet on a grand scale. He needs a trusted ally on his PR team. Levi is a lauded portrait photographer. And the job will only last three weeks.

Levi accepts on one hidden condition: he’ll keep his new friends away from Adam, certain that if they get a whiff, they, too, will fall under Adam’s spell. Bent on keeping his two lives separate, Levi barely makes it through the first two weeks unscathed—and then Adam drops another bomb….
Buy Here
And finally, I have my March release, which is sort of a crossover book--but MOSTLY a standalone with lots of cameos from some of your favorite people. It's called Shades of Henry, and it's about a soldier whose entire life detonated and his brother sets him up with the most unlikely of jobs.
I think a lot of people have been waiting for this book--and the cover is lush

Coming in March--
Shades of Henry
by Amy Lane

A Flophouse StoryOne bootstrap act of integrity cost Henry Worrall everything—military career, family, and the secret boyfriend who kept Henry trapped for eleven years. Desperate, Henry shows up on his brother’s doorstep and is offered a place to live and a job as a handyman in a flophouse for young porn stars.
Lance Luna’s past gave him reasons for being in porn, but as he continues his residency at a local hospital, they now feel more like excuses. He’s got the money to move out of the flophouse and live his own life—but who needs privacy when you’re taking care of a bunch of young men who think working penises make them adults?
Lance worries Henry won’t fit in, but Henry’s got a soft spot for lost young men and a way of helping them. Just as Lance and Henry find a rhythm as den mothers, a murder and the ghosts of Henry’s abusive past intrude. Lance knows Henry’s not capable of murder, but is he capable of caring for Lance’s heart?
Pre-buy HERE
And a letter from management--
-I have to admit--I could SWEAR someone else sent in a Kermit Flail earlier on in the month. I know I was planning on three posts besides mine and Kilby's and I CAN'T FIND IT IN MY G-MAIL. So, if this was you--it's not because I don't like you or blew you off--please contact me and I'll edit this post and add you in. PLEASE contact me--I'm totally serious--because it's going to drive me NUTS until I remember who that was I was supposed to add. Also, I'm so sorry--I usually prefer if things run a little more smoothly than this. My incredibly embarrassed apologies. DON'T FORGET TO SEND THAT IN! Thank you. Amy

Steve, Glorious Steve...

First of all, Mate is home, and there is much rejoicing! (yayayayayayayyayayay!)

It's funny how a Mate--any Mate--isn't missed so much in the big things--the grand dramatic gesture of bringing me yarn, for example, although that was much appreciated!--but in the little things.

 Touching hands as you pass through the house. Someone to watch television with. A hug in the kitchen?

I missed my Mate. It's taken me a day to assimilate to having him back again. *happy sigh* He's home.

In other news-- ZoomBoy was reviewed by an instagram influencer at his school, as @the_eternal_box. The interview should show up Tuesday, and, bless him, they asked him to wear his sweater and his scarf AND his tophat, AND his Infinity Mitten.

Apparently I have been preparing him for this moment for years.

Also, Steve seems to have claimed my yarn as her own. I, uh, think we shall have to discuss this. I mean, she couldn't possibly be that harsh a negotiator, you think?

And I am working on a plain DK weight sock. Which would probably be boring me shitless, if the color wasn't so damned purty.

Tiny Convos...

Short post tonight--my newsletter is up on Patreon for the public-- come look!  

It's been me and the kids this week, and some of it has been blargh but most of it has been us--and we've had a little bit of fun. Sometimes--whether it's at home or out and about, it's the tiny convos that keep us going throughout the day.

Little-old-lady-at-the-pool: Oh, I love vegetables--everything but Brussels sprouts.

Me: I LOVE Brussels sprouts!

LOLatP: Oh no! No no no!

Me: Well, with butter.

LOL: With BACON! 

* * *
Me, tonight, after I'd about finished my newsletter: (Posted on FB): Just realized my first five releases this year are Silent Heart, Shades of Henry, Slow Pitch, Shortbread and Shadows, and Safe Heart. So the year 2020 has been brought to Amy by the letter "S", the number "5", and the portmanteau "headdesk"

* * *

ZoomBoy *with full urgency*: Mom! Mom!
Me: What?
ZoomBoy: The domain "p*nis.c*m" is for sale for 2 million dollars!
Me: ...
ZoomBoy: We have to save up!
Me: ...
...
* * *

Me: Squish! You didn't wash the insta pot when you did the dishes!

Squish: You didn't ask me to.

Me: I did too! I said it specifically.

Squish: Did not. You're making that up.

Me: Just because you say it, doesn't mean that's true! I TOLD YOU!

Squish: Hearsay. Your word against mine. I was just sitting here, your honor, doing the dishes...

Me: ...  You can't testify at a murder trial where you're the victim.

Squish: Fine. Next time.

*  *  *

Mate (over Skype), looking at bank statements: So, I see you went to the yarn store...

Me: Well, uh, yeah. Sorry.

Mate: Well, I was going to get you some yarn from Vermont, but why would I get you yarn when you already have some?

Me: I'm sorry, what was that?

Mate: Why would I get you yarn when you already have some?

Me: I don't understand.

Mate: Why. Would. I. Get. You. Yarn--

Me: No, no, I understand you're saying the same words, I just don't get what they mean!

* * *

Mate  (over Skype again): Well I was going to get you yarn, but it turns out all the yarn stores in Vermont are closed on Tuesday.

Me: Seriously?

Mate: I'm serious! I don't know why Tuesday was their day off, but it was!

Me: That's a likely story. When do you have to be at the airport tomorrow?

Mate: 12:30.

Me: See? You have plenty of time!

Mate: I need to see my dad first! (Please remember, this was the entire reason for the trip--his dad is still not doing well, but there's neither improvement nor deterioration so Mate is coming home.)

Me: Well fine. If you're going to make THAT a priority.

Mate: I'll give him your love.

Me: Sure. YOu'll give everybody your love, but do I get any yarn?

* * *
And finit. But I do have to say-- no blog  tomorrow, because my baby's  coming home tomorrow night, and I can't wait to see him.
He's coming home

Letters from home...

A long time ago, when ZoomBoy and Squish were little, Mate's job took him on business trips a lot. Weird shit always managed to happen when he was gone. Raccoons in the backyard? Only once in 22 years--when he was gone. A terrible thump and a giant blood spot on the floor of the garage? A mystery never solved, even though I called the police for a drive-by. Because Mate was gone. You name the catastrophe--broken heater, little kids with the plague, big kids in crisis, animals needing emergency medical care--it all happened when Mate was gone.

I, uh, did not deal with any of that shit with grace and aplomb. I mean, for one thing I was working full time, and for another, two kids in diapers and two in middle school, and for another, I'm... you know. ME.

But I"m older now--there are only two kids and they're frighteningly self-sufficient. My only real function is taxi, and I do make dinner because otherwise they'd exist solely on Ritz crackers and oatmeal and call that nutrition.

So, much less hectic. So I was a little sad--and a little amused--when Mate and I were talking about his stay in Vermont to see to his father. (Right now the prognosis is... extended? He needs full time care but for how long? Nobody knows. I think our entire cadre of GOP senators should be put in hospitals as they're passing and told that if they don't croak within three months their family's finances will be gutted and they'll be in debt for the rest of their lives so could they hurry it up a little? Because THAT'S fucking humane.)

Anyway--Mate's trying to square things away with his stepmom and half-brother, and I'm here, guarding the fort. Yeah, I'm tired--I work until late and the kids have to be at school early--but seriously, I can deal. So I amused myself writing "letters to the front" to my brave husband far away, fighting the cold and the crud and the barbarianism of modern day health care. Please take this tongue in cheek-- that's certainly how I meant it. Twelve years ago I would have been a mess--but today, I think we're going to live.


Dear Mate--

It's hard living in this house without you. The smoke alarm went bonkers, and ZoomBoy and I had to deactivate it. It felt so final. I ordered new ones from Amazon but what if they're the wrong one?

The uncertainty is the hardest thing to bear. 

Your Amy


Dear Mate--

We spent most of yesterday shotgunning old television, because I was too tired to think of anything better to do. Taking over your chores is exhausting--how do you manage to wake up at seven in the morning? It's terrifying. There are monsters then! And cars! Fortunately we have a solution--I understand those profligate writers use it, those people who stay up until one in the morning and sometimes must function before coffee. 

It's called a nap, and after I took it, I could perform my household duties so much better. 

And I even ordered pizza.

Your Amy

Dear Mate--

The dogs miss you, beloved. Tonight they spent ten minutes running around the living room trying to find a place to sleep together because they could not share my lap. 

They ended up sleeping on my lap anyway. I'm afraid my knitting may be a bit delayed--no scarf for you.

Your Amy

Dear Mate--

Alas, we missed your call! Emboldened by the whole "nap" idea from yesterday, today I resolved to do something exciting and adventurous.

We settled for going to the movies but I had to sign up for Cinemark to do so--Can we even have two accounts in one house?

Anyway, the kids and I were enraptured by the violent poetic antics of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence--they are, indeed, the naughtiest of young men, and still watchable today. 

I'm running circles here in order to not watch any of the shows we watch together. If you're gone longer than a week, I may crack.

Forgive me for being weak, beloved--

Your Amy

Dear Mate--

It is beginning to dawn on me that on those mornings I thought we had acquired friendly dish-washing pixies, you were actually the one to wash the dishes. 

I miss you, my darling, but I rather wish it was pixies. So do the children. We'll do our best to make sure we have clean cutlery and plateware to welcome you home. 

Our poorly, sad, and pathetic best.

I do not deserve the tidiness that is you--

Sincerely,

Your Amy