Shaikh Ashraf's Blog: Shaikh Ashraf Writes, page 4

Suffocated

I’m feeling suffocated,
Exasperated, frustrated with my head,
I’m going insane, living a mundane life,
Going full on crazy.

It’s like I’m engraved in a pit,
Dark and full of hatred which has gone lit,
Grit, I have inside me for the passions and dreams,
Slit, my dreams with this reality of the world.

The world was beautiful once now it’s guns and roses,
It was a great morning now a never ending darkness,
It was a pleasure loop now just a guilty scoop,
Scoop of agony and pain.

I’m frustrated, agitated,
Don’t know what’s going on in my head,
I’m motivated by my dreams,
But, stopped my by reality.

If I had a chance, no fear in my heart,
I’d aim for the moon instead of staring the stars,
If I had an opportunity, no doubt in me,
I’d leave all this beside and chase, my reality.

But, I ain’t got nobody,
I ain’t got nothing,
Just my dreams burning in my veins and motivation,
Just desires popping open and a yearning to make them come true.

© Ashraf Shaikh

Player

Confused, infused with dreams and chase of them,
Living in a never ending loop of pursuit,
But, still I refuse to give up.

This is all a game to me,
Which I play with myself looking at the mirrors,
I curse and abuse myself,
I cry my dreams out aloud, I weep the pains and miseries out,
When they come out, it looks like a blue blood slashed in a piece of a paper.

I dance with the words I play with,
I sing in my head songs of you,
I watch my.dreams getting bigger and bigger everyday,
Even, if I loose the battle with myself, the whole day.

My dreams are battle, and I’m the warrior who’s fighting,
Taking the sword in my hand and running towards the enemy,
The enemy is me,
There lies dreams, and aspirations fulfill,
There stands here, me, unfulfilled.

I’m my own competition,
I’m not gonna give up,
Everyday is a fight with myself towards my dreams,
And I’m not gonna end up, like a nobody.

Infused with dreams and wild Obsessions,
I try up my confessions on a piece if paper,
Ink by ink I bleed,
Plead guilty for my life,
The only guilty is me, to live a life like this.

Here, looking in the mirror,
I plead, and taking up a candle I pray,
I’m gonna stay in this game, long enough,
I’m gonna fight the fight and hit the ball harder each and every time.

This, is a game,
And I’m the best player to be ever around.
© Ashraf Shaikh

Freedom

There lies a land between right and wrong,
There stands in constance you,
You glowed through that dress, i bought for you,
While I see you depart.

There stays a tomb in which our love stays buried,
In which our desires and dreams hurried,
Carried our loads of frustration and anger,
While all we had for each other was hunger.

The hungers shouts loudest,
It shouts and roars to the highest,
It boils up the lava of lust,
But, soon, our desires get turned into dust.

Thin crust, is what we have become,
On the deserted land, because of this hunger and thirst,
First, we chased each other’s mirage,
Now, we could help but chase, freedom.

© Ashraf Shaikh

Passion Forest

Crawl deep inside you,
I got lost in the middle of passion,
Sneering through life,
Now, I don’t have any compassion.

The way we met, your eyes searched mine and mine yours,
The day we met, our desires boiled,
The coiled serpent rose up towards the head,
Exploded love.

My heart skipped beat whenever I sneered into your tiny eyes,
Your lips crisped when they called my name, I died a thousand times,
Your eyes when they searched for me and your elegance, which burned for me,
I burned the same for you.

Where are we stuck, neither do you know nor I,
We’re in middle of a jungle called Life,
In the dark sky we made love,
When the morning came, our lives twisted and turned,
The compulsions of the world hit us,
We grew up and forgot what love meant.

Where are we stuck, in the passion forest,
Where the only fruit we ate is the forbidden one,
The only danced we had was the dance of love,
The only thing we slept at, were bodies of each other.

But when the morning came, the forest burned,
It caught fire, set ablaze by thousand dreams,
Crept into our lives, and flamed up our desired,
Burned thorough our lives, and ended our love.

The only thing left between us, is ashes,
If burned dreams, love and times we made love,
The only thing left now, is our dead souls.

© Ashraf Shaikh

Recurring Dreams

“EXCERPT FROM, “THE GREAT SOUTH INDIAN ADVENTURE” ONGOING SERIES ON WATTPAD.

The ruined world in the ruins of humanity. Houses left into rubles. The stench of dead bodies from a corner and of gunpowder from another. One child cries, blood all over his face. One mother searches for her child. Here I sit in a dark room awake, staring at the ceiling, tied around with rope on a chair. I keep having the same dream every day, I don’t know what it means. I am kidnapped by goons on my vacation. I don’t know where my friends are, I don’t know where I am. I was considering not coming on this trip. I even thought of canceling it at the last moment.

I was waiting for a cab and I wanted to call Mahesh and tell him, “I can’t” “Some emergency has arrived” “I’m sorry” but that’ll look like a thought out story. That’ll mean I did not want to come. But, I wanted to go. I had to, all this year I have been thinking about Sonal. I have been angry, which leads to frustration, then to rage and destroys my writing. I wanted to go on this trip to tell Sonal to fuck off and tell her I have moved on. I never knew I would get kidnapped, left in a room in the middle of a Karnataka village with nothing but only water to drink.

The door opens and there stands the same shadow.

“Money,” the shadow asks.

“For the thousand times, I am telling you this, I do not have money, our money got stolen,” I said.

I remember giving money for the tickets, and the weed we took, the roofies, the rape drug. The room around me is smelling of my urine, these guys do even allow me to use the washroom. The food tastes bad, like its year old. I want to get out, meet my friends to check if they are alive or not, but I have to find a way out of this ruckus I am involved in.

The world is a shitty place and everyone around here only wants to snatch away things from you.

“Money or life,” the guy says as he enters the room.

“Nothing, neither,” I said.

He kicks me, throws water down my face. I gulp and gargle and choke on it. I try to sit up but can’t help myself.

“You must choose,” he said.

“I already told you, we don’t have money,” I said.

“I gave you the costliest weed and drug, and you have no money,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“It was the driver who gave us the drugs and the weed, it was him and he gave us for free,” I told.

“I want the money from you,” he said.

“Otherwise you die,” he said.

“Where are my friends?” I ask.

“They are safe somewhere, don’t worry”

“Take me there,” I said.

“No,” he said.

He took his gun out, loaded it.

“What is your last wish?” he asks.

“Seriously, you are going to kill me for weed?” I asked.

“Also for roofies, I need money otherwise I settle things with life,” he said.

“Last wish?” he asks.

“Please do not kill me,” I said.

He chuckled, kept his gun on my head, pressed it tighter. My life played in front of my eyes. My first day of school, first kisses and first porn film, first trip to south India, this one right here. Now everything is ending.

“Let me do the countdown,” he said.

“1……..2,” he said.

“If you do not tell you story, your last wish in the count of five, then this bullet hits your head it becomes a watermelon. Just to let you know, cannibals are living in the corner of this forest, they’ll like eating fresh Mumbai meat,” he told.

“We can negotiate,” I said.

“Yeah, only with money or your head,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to say,” I said.

“Then die,” he said.

He lifted his arm and aimed at me. I can smell the gunpowder and blood. I can smell death. Think hard what is the last thing you want to do before you die. Before your head gets splattered and get fed to the cannibals, think hard.

Gunshot. Darkness. Silence. Splattering sounds, water gushing out, liberation.

No, when I open my eyes, I see him standing right there. He shot something else to scare me.

“Last wish”

“Sonal”

I don’t why after four years she came to my mind. But her face still haunts me.

I'm Still

I’m still in the tall lanky mountains,
Where the world was upside down,
Where the meaning of life was different,
Where life was more than what I thought about.

I’m still driving in the curvaceous dangerous roads,
Where one wrong turn can kill you,
Where the weather is so cold, that you shiver,
Where you breathe in clean air,
Where all your worries fade away into smoke.

I’m still in the river, on a speed boat,
Where the waves blow my face away,
Where the water splashes on my head,
While I stand to look out at the setting sun between the mountains,
Where the world became beautiful again.

I’m still in the boat, in the river,
Where the boatmen sing their loudest of voices,
That echoes in loudest noises,
Where the water, slowly tides way and rows the boat ahead,
The beauty of the world comes close.

I’m still in between the valley of large mountains,
Tied around with a rope, going from one end to other, hanging loose,
I might die, might the rope get loose and hang there,
I’m still stuck there.

I’m still at every moment,
Now, there is nothing to worry about,
No commitments to keep,
No responsibilities to follow,
I still, living every moment of my life,
The only happiness I swallow.

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Why you should Travel Even If you don't want to?

From the past six months or so I have been busy.

I got a job for which I wasn’t ready. I somehow took it as it was a big multinational company. I was proud of myself that I got a job there.

Three months into the job my accident happened. Nothing major, but it got me shit scared. Got a few bruises of my face, my left eye, just above it, two small pieces of glass were stuck inside for two days. I shivered in the middle of a dangerous of Mumbai looking up in the sky for the first time I realized a presence of God.

Anyways that accident got me wondering something about my life. I hadn’t written anything for all these months. I was working off a novel, “Dirty, Greedy, Bombay” but I wasn’t able to finish it. Because of the job.

That accident made me wonder about life. What if I keep working daily and do not work on my dreams? Live my life like that, what will I be leaving behind in this world?

I asked these questions to me every day. But I could not help myself come to discipline and write and read.

I November somehow I got this discipline and this commitment to my dreams to grind every day. But these past three-four months I have been 24/7 busy.

By writing a novel, working on my poetry collection, reading and writing more. I haven’t gotten time for myself.

But, I took an unexpected journey. I went to Meghalaya, and I spent nine days traveling.

I took a risk by going there, I didn’t inform my office, I didn’t tell anyone I’m going. Till the last moment, I wasn’t ready. But somehow I packed my bags and went on the train.

I learned a lot. I learned that I have been scared my life all along. I am scared of this job that isn’t even related to my career. I love writing but I am not willing to make it my full time thing. I have learned a lot of things about myself.

I came back two days ago, didn’t go to the office, sat at home. I have been thinking about the strategy ahead in life.

I question why we live the way we live?

Why do we put rules in our lives for ourselves?

Why do not we chase our dreams and live the life we want?

While travelling I didn’t get enough time to worry, or even think about something.

I was zip-lining through the tall lanky mountains. Sailing through India-Bangladesh border. Sleeping in the coldest weather in a camp, shivering. Crossing a river in the night with my travel group and feeling like an illegal immigrant.

Heard the loudest music in the silent way and silent in the loudest way. Driving through the dangerous curvaceous roads.

Living life, on the upside. Breathing in the cleanest air, and exploring India, or a part of India which is not yet explored.

I stopped giving a damn. I stopped worrying, I stopped thinking things through and did it. It was a much-needed trip. I was inside my head for a long time and it got me out of it. Gave me a break and uplifted me.

With open eyes, I know what I want in life, writing. I have to study for more two years. I also got to try my hand on stand up comedy. I will, I won’t stop.

But I won’t worry about the job which isn’t related to my career. I won’t worry about trivial things in life. I will live my life at the fullest, highest way possible and work towards my dream.

That’s why you should travel too.

Go out in your nearest place, take time out in weekends or every two-three months. Go out and explore, cultures, traditions, places, do adventures.

I am now thinking to make travel one of my priorities. I want to go to different places, try stuff off and live life on the edge. I hope I can do that.

People get stuck living the same life day in and out. Do the same things, there is no room left for rejuvenating soul. That might be the reason a lot of us are depressed.

A lot of us live in this rut and we have made this rut our everything. We must come out of it every once in a while, break the chains and look what the world has got to offer.

Cause when you see it you’ll know, your problems are smaller than you think. Your job is not everything, your job is not your career. Your life has bigger things to offer you, come out of the rut, of the shell of your comfort zone.

When you do that, you’ll see the world with a different perspective. The world is not black and white, or grey, as we see it in news and movies, or novels.

The world is colorful, filled with beauty yearning to be seen. You just need to open your eyes and see it yourself.

Rock Bottom

[image error]Rock Bottom

I’m stuck in a loophole, a maze of constant confusion,
Emotions going through thousands of destructions,
Life having numerous compulsions,
Only to realise, it’s our hidden inhibitions.

It’s a jungle of wild dreams and hidden obsessions,
A turmoil of land in construction,
A little more life, is left inside me, but these confusions,
Inhibitions erase my desires to live,
To breathe and stay in the game.

But, how can you run through this maze called life,
Without getting confused, falling back, and getting back stronger in the game,
Hitting every opportunity firmly, strongly with gusto,
If you get stuck, struck, in the middle of nowhere,
Remember this is not the end, it is just the beginning of all the endings that were left.

Stories stuck in your life without ending,
Relationships hanging loose,
Desires clung onto your body,
Obsessions burning through you.

Cut them off, loose your inhibitions,
Get out of the rut which holds you & cuts your wings away by putting rules in your life,
Cut them off, loose those shards of chains that have you locked in a useless world,
Then run, far ahead, for your dreams, for your life,
Chase every dream until it becomes a reality,
Stay strong,
Hit hard,
Fight back,
And, if you hit rock bottom,
You can come through it stronger than ever…

© Ashraf Shaikh

Why Self Improvement is Masturbation?

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You might have heard this dialogue, “Self-Improvement is masturbation” in the movie Fight Club.

It has a sort of truth to it, but also sort of false. People go on the journey of Self-Improvement to, let me be obvious, improve themselves.

The journey of self-improvement may be a masturbatory to do for yourself.

Let’s discuss masturbating now, what is it, but you stay in your room and jerk off to porn. Or to your imagination. You learn a thing or two about yourself, like what arouses you, what you hate, what brings your arousal down, etc.

Self-improvement is the same as masturbation, you might end up learning a whole lot from it. You’ll learn your strengths, weaknesses, where you can improve yourself.

For me, it has told me that one of my strengths is storytelling, poetry, and my weaknesses are technical writing. I still got to improve myself in reading, as I slack off whenever I read, and it has also taught me management, time management, a lot.

But, the effects of it can be positive and negative.

I have been on this journey for two years. and in these two years, I experimented a lot, in my writing and other habits.

But, in these two months, my poetry, my WordPress blog, and this blog had an increase in readership. My writing process is simpler now. I can write pretty fast, even when I have no clear idea of what I’m writing about, it’s subconscious.

The thought process has become subconscious whenever I’m writing. An image comes and with a snap of fingers at my keyboard, I write the whole scene out.

But, it also has its negative, you’ll end up getting sucked into the loophole in continuous improvement and never get out of it. As I said, it is masturbation.

When you’re continuously improving yourself, you get joy at it, happiness at it. And you run through the loophole a thousand times.

You’ve read a book a week. Okay, why not read two books a week. You wrote 2000 words an hour why not increase it up to 3000/4000 an hour. You give yourself goals like that and you keep getting sucked into that.

When you enjoy masturbation, you enjoy your arousal, you keep at it, just like that the obsessive journey of self-improvement works.

I’m not demotivating, or anything, but I have learned this the hard way.

Two years ago, I had a novel named, “Leila. Same two years ago I embarked upon this journey of self-improvement.

I gave myself goals to read a non-fiction book a week. Workout every day. Write every day. But, as I began to find improvements in writing, the perfectionist in me got a boner.

I finished that novel in 6 months, then edited it, re-edited it for perfection, then did that thing for 6–7 times. I wrote my whole novel 6–7 times in the editing phase and destroyed the characters and their stories completely.

After that, I had a hard time finding the motivation to write, read and gave up.

The obsessive self-improvement can hinder your growth, but constructive will put you ahead.

Only if I had motivated myself to edit it 2 times. Improve my writing, read more fiction, then the story might have been different.

Self-improvement journey has its strengths and weaknesses, but don’t get obsessed with the results. Work towards achieving what you want, but don’t make it your only goal. Because at the end of the day, you have to live your life happily.

The secret to achieve anything in life

[image error]Startup Stock Photos

You might be wondering what the secret is?

Is it some Law Of Attraction mumbo-jumbo I’m gonna talk about?

Is it increase your vibration by drinking Lemon water every morning?

While it might be true, but the real lesson. Which we all tend to forget is this, the secret to achieve anything in life, is, 1. Staying Consistent. 2. Having a discipline and a routine and 3. Hustling it out.

Discipline and routine are the two most things many of us talk about. Yet many fail to achieve discipline and establish a routine in their life.

I know we Millenials talk about how routine hinders creativity. But, creativity also works best when the creative is in the flow state. That is achieved by doing it daily.

But, discipline is necessary to achieve your goals. Be it the novel you’re writing or a poetry collection you’re working on. When you do whatever you aim to do every day, day in and day out you grind, you hustle, happens, something clicks.

What this discipline has taught me is that, when you keep going, day in and day you. You hustle and grind it out. When every day you wake up for your dream and work towards it, it will bring results.

The dream will stay a faraway dream. It will never make it to reality. Unless you work on it, everyday.

When you wake up and you start your day, to join the hustle, ready for the war. You announce the world you’re ready to fight.

It will be a pain at the start. But, as you go taking in all the pain and agony, you’ll flourish. You’ll learn everyday things about yourself and your craft and you’ll flourish.

Strict discipline and a routine will allow you to flourish in life.

Consistency is key, that is why discipline plays a big role. No matter how ambitious you’re. How many great ideas you have. But if you don’t work towards achieving your dreams, you don’t grind it out every day. You don’t join the hustle, then it won’t happen.

Whatever you’re working towards in your life. It takes discipline. Waking up on time. Sleeping on time. Eating, drinking, reading and writing, Discipline.

And, the only way to achieve discipline is by being consistent. Your consistency will bring out a new you. Every day, you choose to be disciplined, and you stay consistent.

When you do the same thing day in and out. Your brain subconsciously picks it up. Within days, you get used to that routine, it’ll be easy to get in that flow, to create whatever you want. It’ll be easy to work towards your dreams.

You must choose to be consistent on an everyday basis. When you choose, you make an effort to achieving your dreams. With consistency, you learn things about yourself.

The hustle of it is important. Why’d you think Malcolm Gladwell says, “10,000 hours it takes to master one hobby” it is because when you put in your time and efforts. When you work things out, get inflow. Churn, grind yourself out, you learn and there you grow.

Working on your dream project once a week might not bring you results.

But, work on it every day, taking time out, will bring double-fold results.

But, as humans, we tend to get bored.

We set goals loose focus and forget it. But, we set it too big. Start too big, you’ll end up weak. Start too small you’ll end up with nothing at all.

Set achievable goals. Before I used to focus on quantifying my every goal. Reading 50 pages. Writing 2000 words. Doing this much in a number of this.

But, now as I have a full-time job. I have divided all these things into hours. I read for an hour. I work on my manuscript for an hour. Poetry/short story for an hour. And this blog too.

Thereby I end up doing things I planned while staying consistent.

There is no small or big, it is showing up when you’re supposed to and making the best out of it.

I show up every day and I have gotten results.

In these two months, I have written my novel, finished my poetry collection, read more. By doing only one thing, establishing my routine and following my discipline.

What I learned from my consistency or my journey in discipline is that I get tempted, I lose my focus and focus on unimportant things. Like this article I’m writing now, I’m supposed to work on the manuscript of my novel, which is still in DRAFT ONE. But, I also have this goal to write one short story, one poem, one blog every day, and I’m staying consistent.

I don’t get enough time, living and working in Mumbai, takes 14 hours of my life every day. Still, I choose to come home and work towards my dream.

It has taught me a lot. Nowadays it is easier for me to write, read and get inflow.

This is my third month, I have also started working on my short stories, something that I always wanted to do.