Randy Siegel's Blog - Posts Tagged "in-search-of-the-one"
Fan the Fire Within!
Princess Dianna exuded it; Prince Charles does not. Bill Clinton has it; Hilary has less. Jack Kennedy had it and so did Jackie. Call it life force, ju-ju, positive energy, spirit, spark, sparkle, fire, or passion; there’s an energy within us that when allowed to freely run through us makes us charismatic.
Some believe all of us have natural charisma, but we dampen it when we are afraid of being hurt. Being that open feels too vulnerable and scary. Here are six barriers to charisma. See if you recognize any.
One: We fail to put our focus and attention on the other person. Charismatic people have the ability to communicate with a person as if he or she was the only one in the room. Someone asked Queen Victoria once whether she preferred the company of Benjamin Disraeli or William Gladstone. She answered that when she dined with Gladstone she felt he was the most interesting man in England, but when she ate with Disraeli she felt she was the most interesting person in the world. Like Disraeli, we can put our egos aside and focus on the other person.
Two: We try to control others’ behaviors instead of our reaction to their behavior. When I try to control someone else, I cut off the flow. But when I focus on my reaction to their behavior, I remain more open because I can manage my reaction far easier than control what someone does or doesn’t do.
Three: We assume. Too often, we assume we know what others are thinking or how they may behave. It’s best to put assumptions aside and view every person and every situation with fresh eyes. Be curious, ask, and give charisma the space it needs to flow.
Four: We fail to see that bad behavior is often nothing more than a cry for love. Once we understand this, compassion comes. I’ve been a mentor to several boys in foster care. I’ve learned that the closer they get to finding a “forever home,” a family who wishes to adopt them, the more they act out. These boys are testing their new family to ensure they won’t abandon them if things get tough.
Five: We hold grudges. Few things block the flow of energy more than holding a grudge. Even if we can’t forgive another in the moment, we can set the intention that in the future we’ll forgive and release the resentment.
Six: We fail to give people the benefit of the doubt and look for their best. All of us are intuitive; we know if someone likes and respects us. Charismatic people help us to feel good about ourselves. F. Scott Fitzgerald is reported to have once said that the greatest gift you can give anyone is to see him or her exactly as he (or she) wishes to be seen.
Removing these barriers may not make you a charismatic person, but it’s an important start. I am learning that charisma is caused not so much by what we do, or don’t do, as much as our intentions. When we’re able to relax our defenses and place other’s interests first we invite charisma into our lives.
Some believe all of us have natural charisma, but we dampen it when we are afraid of being hurt. Being that open feels too vulnerable and scary. Here are six barriers to charisma. See if you recognize any.
One: We fail to put our focus and attention on the other person. Charismatic people have the ability to communicate with a person as if he or she was the only one in the room. Someone asked Queen Victoria once whether she preferred the company of Benjamin Disraeli or William Gladstone. She answered that when she dined with Gladstone she felt he was the most interesting man in England, but when she ate with Disraeli she felt she was the most interesting person in the world. Like Disraeli, we can put our egos aside and focus on the other person.
Two: We try to control others’ behaviors instead of our reaction to their behavior. When I try to control someone else, I cut off the flow. But when I focus on my reaction to their behavior, I remain more open because I can manage my reaction far easier than control what someone does or doesn’t do.
Three: We assume. Too often, we assume we know what others are thinking or how they may behave. It’s best to put assumptions aside and view every person and every situation with fresh eyes. Be curious, ask, and give charisma the space it needs to flow.
Four: We fail to see that bad behavior is often nothing more than a cry for love. Once we understand this, compassion comes. I’ve been a mentor to several boys in foster care. I’ve learned that the closer they get to finding a “forever home,” a family who wishes to adopt them, the more they act out. These boys are testing their new family to ensure they won’t abandon them if things get tough.
Five: We hold grudges. Few things block the flow of energy more than holding a grudge. Even if we can’t forgive another in the moment, we can set the intention that in the future we’ll forgive and release the resentment.
Six: We fail to give people the benefit of the doubt and look for their best. All of us are intuitive; we know if someone likes and respects us. Charismatic people help us to feel good about ourselves. F. Scott Fitzgerald is reported to have once said that the greatest gift you can give anyone is to see him or her exactly as he (or she) wishes to be seen.
Removing these barriers may not make you a charismatic person, but it’s an important start. I am learning that charisma is caused not so much by what we do, or don’t do, as much as our intentions. When we’re able to relax our defenses and place other’s interests first we invite charisma into our lives.
Being Open at The Opening
“I bet you’re excited about your art opening and book launch this week!” My friend emailed. She continued, “I’m sick I can’t be there. Know I will be with you in spirit.” My friend was one of the close to one hundred RSVPs “No” I had received in the past two weeks. Folks were traveling, and there were a number of competing events in Asheville. And despite 25 years of public relations experience, I had only been able to generate one tiny article, and that was three weeks ago. Was the Universe sending me a message?
On Tuesday, Don and I hung the show; it looked great, but as Thursday night closed in, my anxiety rose. What if only a few people showed up? I didn’t want to embarrass myself, and I didn’t want to disappoint my friends who were kind enough to offer the exhibition space.
I confided my insecurity with a group of dear friends. “Of course, you’re nervous, Randy,” they emphasized. “You’re sharing some pretty vulnerable stuff—not only in your art, but in your writing.” Another wise friend reminded me that the number of people who showed up for the opening wasn’t the only measure of success. I was attached to a specific outcome. For heaven’s sakes, it was an opening. Perhaps I needed to be a little more open.
I have been recently writing about the Buddhist notion of non-attachment, and now I had an opportunity to practice it. Paring the words with my breath, I silently repeated the prayer: “Into Your hands.”
Thursday morning, at my YMCA spinning class, I continued repeating my mantra. When the song “Tonight is going to be a good night” came on, I laughed knowing my prayer had been answered. It was going to be a good night—no, a great night—no matter who did—or didn’t—show up.
Don and I arrived a half hour early to set up the bar to find two beautiful floral arrangements sent by out-of-town friends. Fifteen minutes later, two friends walked in with two more arrangements composed of glorious flowers from their garden. As the guests started to trickle in, I was able to spend a little quality time with each. Unlike past openings, I was more relaxed and present. Before I knew it, a small crowd had gathered: old friends, new friends, and a number of people I had never met.
I had arranged for each guest to receive a “You are divine” sticker with the book’s logo. Standing in the middle of the room, I saw not only the stickers, but more importantly each divine soul wearing one. My heart swelled. Gratitude replaced anxiety, and love overcame fear.
On Tuesday, Don and I hung the show; it looked great, but as Thursday night closed in, my anxiety rose. What if only a few people showed up? I didn’t want to embarrass myself, and I didn’t want to disappoint my friends who were kind enough to offer the exhibition space.
I confided my insecurity with a group of dear friends. “Of course, you’re nervous, Randy,” they emphasized. “You’re sharing some pretty vulnerable stuff—not only in your art, but in your writing.” Another wise friend reminded me that the number of people who showed up for the opening wasn’t the only measure of success. I was attached to a specific outcome. For heaven’s sakes, it was an opening. Perhaps I needed to be a little more open.
I have been recently writing about the Buddhist notion of non-attachment, and now I had an opportunity to practice it. Paring the words with my breath, I silently repeated the prayer: “Into Your hands.”
Thursday morning, at my YMCA spinning class, I continued repeating my mantra. When the song “Tonight is going to be a good night” came on, I laughed knowing my prayer had been answered. It was going to be a good night—no, a great night—no matter who did—or didn’t—show up.
Don and I arrived a half hour early to set up the bar to find two beautiful floral arrangements sent by out-of-town friends. Fifteen minutes later, two friends walked in with two more arrangements composed of glorious flowers from their garden. As the guests started to trickle in, I was able to spend a little quality time with each. Unlike past openings, I was more relaxed and present. Before I knew it, a small crowd had gathered: old friends, new friends, and a number of people I had never met.
I had arranged for each guest to receive a “You are divine” sticker with the book’s logo. Standing in the middle of the room, I saw not only the stickers, but more importantly each divine soul wearing one. My heart swelled. Gratitude replaced anxiety, and love overcame fear.
