Arwa Stone's Blog, page 3

The Illusion Of Being A Writer

Taking a closer look at being a writer and how other people see me as a writer is one big clash of an illusion which almost feels like being sucked into a giant black hole.
Illusion 1:
Being a writer and loosing myself into a fantastical world is the happiest place I find myself in. The ultimate goal of being published and doing this for a living sometimes feels like being in a hamster wheel while trying to catch passing clouds. In reality, the act of writing is the happiest place.
Illusion 2:
This is the bigger bubble that surrounds the hamster wheel which is other people's opinions and ideas on how I should act or behave as a writer. That also includes the endless criticisms of why I'm not published yet, how I should write, what I should write and why I'm not writing at every minute of the day. 
This puts tremendous pressure on the cracking hamster wheel on needing to succeed right now. Occasionally, I find that hamster bursting straight through into oblivion and floating around outer space, while gently being nudged around by astroids. 
The illusion of bring a writer feels like vibrating molecules trying so hard to be solid. 
Breaking out of these illusions starts with writing for the love of writing and letting the other illusion flow away, and bounce back at the criticisms. Sometimes not paying attention to it disintegrates the illusion.
There are times doing that is really hard. Hold on to your authenticity. Write whatever you want to write. The illusions will float away like smoke on a mirror and all that's left is you.
Stay safe, take care of yourself. 
Wonder Woman XXX 

Friday Night Frights 10

                                                                          Chapter 10

   The hot water beat down on Heather's back. Last night was incredible. Dinner was delicious. The conversation was flowing. Billie was hers. 
   She turned the tap off and wrapped herself in a large white towel. In the bedroom, she dropped the towel and walked closer to Billie's figure. 
   "Are you comfortable?"
   "Untie me right now!"
   "No."
   She gagged him with one of his socks. From her wardrobe, she dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt. Her bare feet slapped against the wooden floorboards. Grabbing a pair of scissors, she approached him with glee. 
   He muffled through his gag while trying to break off the chain between the leather cuffs. 
   She pulled out the gag.
   "Any last words?"
   "You're dead!"
   "I doubt it."
   His phone rang from the inside of his pocket trousers, which were lying on the bedroom floor. Heather dropped the sock and answered the phone.
   "Hello?"
   "Where's Billie?"
   "And you are?"
   "Marc. Put him on the phone Heather."
   "How do you know who I am?"
   "He texted me last night to make sure that he's OK."
   "Not anymore..." 

4 Podcasts I'm Loving Right Now

Hi! Here are the 4 podcasts that I'm loving right now. I hope you love them too. If you are already listening to them, please let me know of other podcasts you think I might enjoy.

1. My Favourite Murder
Karen and Georgia are the hosts of this popular true crime podcast. They are funny, respectful when it comes to the victims and I can't stop listening to them. I don't know if they're best friends, but they sound like it. It's a weekly podcast and you can read the show notes, as well as the sources of the crime stories on their beautiful website.
Here is a link to the website:
https://myfavoritemurder.com/222-that-s-how-water-works/
You can listen to My Favourite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify and Player FM.

2. The Double Cleanse
I started listening to this podcast after watching way too many videos of James and Robert Welsh. James Welsh does skincare on YouTube and Robert Welsh does makeup on YouTube. Robert does Ghost Stories and Make Up on Mondays. I love watching him do his make up while telling us about ghost stories.They are twin brothers that are adorable and I love their content. You will love them too. The episodes are released on a weekly basis. They make me laugh so much. Here's a link to their podcast:
https://podtail.com/en/podcast/the-double-cleanse-podcast/
You can find them on iTunes, Podtail, Podbean, Spotify and Player FM.

3. The Micah Hanks Program
This program is a weekly podcast hosted by Micah Hanks. He discusses with his guests subjects like UFOs, ancient mysteries, cryptozoology, science fiction and much more. There's so much to ponder about on each episode that it's hard to stop listening to it. Whether you believe in aliens or big foot, this is a podcast I keep going back to.
Here's a link to his podcast:
https://micahhanks.com/podcast/
You can listen to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Podbean, Stitcher and Tune In.

4. The Big Séance
This podcast is bi-monthly and hosted by the wonderful Patrick Keller. He has some interesting guests that talk about the paranormal, mediums, ghost stories and hauntings. There are many more topics he discusses that fascinate me. He has a funny laugh. The podcast is atmospheric and will pull you in immediately.
Here's a link to the podcast:
http://bigseancepodcast.com/
You can listen to it on Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Podcasts and Google Podcasts.

5 Podcasts I'm Loving Right Now

Hi! Here are the 5 podcasts that I'm loving right now. I hope you love them too. If you are already listening to them, please let me know of other podcasts you think I might enjoy.

1. My Favourite Murder
Karen and Georgia are the hosts of this popular true crime podcast. They are funny, respectful when it comes to the victims and I can't stop listening to them. I don't know if they're best friends, but they sound like it. It's a weekly podcast and you can read the show notes, as well as the sources of the crime stories on their beautiful website.
Here is a link to the website:
https://myfavoritemurder.com/222-that-s-how-water-works/
You can listen to My Favourite Murder on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify and Player FM.

2. The Double Cleanse
I started listening to this podcast after watching way too many videos of James and Robert Welsh. James Welsh does skincare on YouTube and Robert Welsh does makeup on YouTube. Robert does Ghost Stories and Make Up on Mondays. I love watching him do his make up while telling us about ghost stories.They are twin brothers that are adorable and I love their content. You will love them too. The episodes are released on a weekly basis. They make me laugh so much. Here's a link to their podcast:
https://podtail.com/en/podcast/the-double-cleanse-podcast/
You can find them on iTunes, Podtail, Podbean, Spotify and Player FM.

3. The Micah Hanks Program
This program is a weekly podcast hosted by Micah Hanks. He discusses with his guests subjects like UFOs, ancient mysteries, cryptozoology, science fiction and much more. There's so much to ponder about on each episode that it's hard to stop listening to it. Whether you believe in aliens or big foot, this is a podcast I keep going back to.
Here's a link to his podcast:
https://micahhanks.com/podcast/
You can listen to the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Podbean, Stitcher and Tune In.

4. The Big Séance
This podcast is bi-monthly and hosted by the wonderful Patrick Keller. He has some interesting guests that talk about the paranormal, mediums, ghost stories and hauntings. There are many more topics he discusses that fascinate me. He has a funny laugh. The podcast is atmospheric and will pull you in immediately.
Here's a link to the podcast:
http://bigseancepodcast.com/
You can listen to it on Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Podcasts and Google Podcasts.

5. Mysterious Universe
This is a weekly podcast hosted by Aaron Wright and Benjamin Grundy. They are so funny and always crack me up. The subjects they discuss range from UFOs, weird science to cryptozoology. There are so many more topics that they talk about and always with a sense of humour.
Here is the link to the podcast:
https://mysteriousuniverse.org/category/podcasts/

Unorthodox

Deborah Feldman's Unorthodox is an honest journey of a little girl trying to fit in a Hasidic community with all its rules and laws. As she grew up, and got married, she continued to question herself on her life and where it's taking her. 
With a young son, she took a poetry class at a college that accepted her in their adult learning program. She met new and interesting people that opened her eyes to a different world with all the freedoms she could ever want. I won't spoil it for you. She has had an interesting life that only a few people know of the ins and outs of the Hasidic community. 
I've related to her so much. I came from a Muslim background with its own rules and restrictions. I too craved that freedom that she talked about in the book. The freedom to choose my own husband, my own career, my own wardrobe and to wear it in public. To go out anytime I want. I think we would have been friends, hiding books under our beds and dreaming of an authentic life.

Friday Night Frights 9

Chapter 9


   
   The left tap sputtered and trickled small drops of water into the sink. Bracing himself for the cold water, Billie turned the cold tap clockwise. He rinsed the soap off his hands and dried them on his jeans. Looking up, he opened the medicine cabinet. There was a basic first aid kit, paracetamol, cold medicine, a small box of tampons, anti-septic cream, a bottle of Listerine and a box of plastic gloves. He closed it and walked out of the bathroom.

   
   In the kitchen, Heather was boiling spaghetti and frying veggies with minced meat. A bottle of Chianti was opened an hour earlier and was chilling in the fridge. Billie wrapped his arms around her and kissed the nape of her neck.

   
   “Mmm, you smell so good.”

   
   “I always smell so good.”

   
   He smiled and opened the fridge door. She removed the spaghetti and frying pan off the heat.

   
   “Dinner is ready.”

   
   “I’m ravished.”

   
   She forked out a small amount of spaghetti and spread minced meat and veg on top. Billie poured the wine and they ate on her bedroom balcony. The only room in the flat with a view. When they were done eating, she placed the plates in the sink. Billie searched her bedroom for clues of anything strange or suspicious, but found nothing. He did notice something unusual compared to a normal lived in home. It was super clean. All the surfaces gleamed and shined. There wasn’t a speck of dust. When he heard her footsteps, he turned around and found her in a blue lace lingerie set.

   
   “You’re so sexy, Heather.”

  
    She moved closer to him and started unbuttoning his shirt.

  
    “You thrill me, Billie. Stay tonight, and you won’t regret it.”

   
   “I’m right here.”

   
   He kissed her deeply. Her fingers dung painfully into his crouch. He liked it. With one hand, he unhooked her bra. He was in deep. That night, he lost himself completely in her.

Toxic Positivity

Feeling good, positive and having good vibes is perfectly fine. What does toxic positivity have to do with seeing a glass as half full?

What does toxic positivity actually mean? 
From the Urban Dictionary, toxic positivity is the belief that, "if you just stay positive, you will overcome any obstacle," to such a degree that you invalidate natural emotional responses and the person having those feelings.
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Toxic%20Positivity
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Toxic%20Positivity
I've had my dose of toxic positivity in my almost 39 years of life. At home it was, "just smile everything is going to be OK," at school it was, "you have nothing to be sad about, you have everything you need," at uni it was, "just have fun you're young," at work it was, "you have nothing to complain about, be happy, at least this that or other." None of the above made me feel better, grieve faster, heal quicker  or feel better about my life while drowning myself in gratitude.
Acknowledging my feelings, sitting with them and being OK with not being OK made me feel a lot better. I know I'm not the only one who has experienced toxic positivity, whether it was with good intentions or maliciously. 
I'm sure you've experienced this during lockdown. Please don't invalidate what you're going through just because you're doing your bit by being at home.
The sticky sweet even sickly positivity can on the surface seem harmless, but once you're flailing on the fly trap, unable to move due to pushing down all your feelings, all the time and wondering why filling yourself with, "good vibes only", didn't work, you succumb to depression or what you were going through. 
Looking after your mental health is really important. Whether you spend a day filled with self-care or self-love or sit with yourself for a few minutes everyday, your emotions are valid. You are valid. You are worth it. All your emotions are valid.I'm not an expert on mental health. I hope you're well and are staying safe.
Wonder Woman XXX

Friday Night Frights 8

Chapter 8


   Billie vomited as he turned the corner from Roots Opticians. The eyeballs bored into his mind, invading his senses. Who is Heather? And why does she have a pair of eyeballs in her handbag? He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. The walk to the NCP car park was slow and nauseous. His body slid smoothly into a brown Ford Cortina he inherited from his father. The smell of the leather and pine air freshener settled his stomach. He drove around the Roots Opticians building and spotted the front entrance and the back one.

   
   His stomach gurgled. The thought of food made him feel worse, but if he was going to tail her, he had to eat. He parked on a single yellow line and ran across the street. He entered the Roots building through the back entrance. Scanning the row of sandwiches, he picked a cheese and pickle one, an all-day breakfast one, a bottle of water and a mango smoothie. As he turned to pay for them, he was surprised to see Heather paying for a stick of gum. She turned towards him and smiled.

   
   “DI Turner, I thought you’d left.”

  
    “Yeah, I did. I thought I’d get some food before going home.” He noticed her coat and handbag. “Are you done for the day?”

   
   “Yes, I am. Early shift today.”

   
    He nodded nervously.

   
   “Would you like to join me for a drink?”

  
    “Sure. Just the one though.”

   
    They walked out together into the cloudy day. Billie pointed towards his car.

   
   “My car’s right there. I’ll give you a lift to the pub.”

   
   “There’s no need. Mine’s in the NCP car park.”

   
   “Then let me walk you to it.”

   
   “What a gentleman.”

   
   He laughed to himself. No one’s ever called him that.

   
   “No, Heather, just old school manners.”

   
   “Ah, my car’s just there.”

  
    She unlocked a dark blue BMW with a beep. Billie noted the license plate numbers. His memory was as sharp as it was when he was a young twenty five year old sergeant.

  
    “I’ll meet you at William the Fourth.”

   
   “OK, see you soon.”

   
   Ten minutes later, they were both seated with a pint in Billie’s usual spot. He drained his first pint and signalled to the bar tender for another. Heather took a sip and put it aside.

   
   “Something wrong with your drink?”

   
   “No, it’s not my favourite.”

   
   “What would you like instead?”

   
   She got up and removed her purse from her handbag.

   
   “Don’t get up, I’ll be back.”

  
    He watched her as she walked towards the bar. Something inside him stirred again. He noticed how the pale blue V-neck jumper showed a hint of a cleavage. How the navy pencil skirt cinched in her waist. He swallowed back his need for her. A second beer appeared before him. He drank it slowly imagining himself inside her. She came back with a glass of white wine.

   
   “So, Heather, are you single?”

   
   She laughed out loud. Touching his hand she smiled that smile.

   
   “Detective …”

   
   “Billie, you can call me Billie.”

   
   “Billie, yes I am.”

   
   “It’s hard to imagine.”

   
   “Why is that?”

  
    “A beautiful woman like you? I would never have imagined it.”

  
    “You can imagine it more if you let me cook you dinner.”

   
   Billie’s eyes brightened. Dinner with an irresistible hunter. An unmissable opportunity to look into her nest and see what he can fine.

  
    “What would you like to eat?”

   
   “Surprise me.”

  
    Heather looked at his well-groomed greying brown hair, his full lips and steel blue eyes.

   
   “I can’t wait.”



  

Friday Night Frights 7

Chapter 7


   Billie’s knee jerked when his name was called.

  
    “Mr T…Turner?”

   
   A young woman about the age of twenty, stuttered and corrected herself.

  
    “That’s me.”

  
    He stood up and followed her to the pre-screening area.

  
    “I’m sorry, I meant to say DI Turner.”

   
   “It’s OK, I don’t mind.”

  
    She took him from one machine to another, when she was done, she lead him to Heather’s testing room. After the introductions, he sat in the big chair. Anxiety filled him like moths jerking around in a glass bottle. He plastered a fake smile, hoping that he didn’t look too demented.

   
   “DI Turner, I’ve never had a detective on my chair.”

  
    She smiled seductively.

   
   “What can I say, we all need to have our eyes checked.”

   
   He noticed the curve of her cheek. The waves on her blond hair. Her enticing curves.

   
   Shit.

  
    He was attracted to her. Every time she wheeled her chair closer to him, his body lit up like it was on fire. He had to concentrate on the letters. A knock on the door broke the tension. She swivelled towards the door.

  
    “Come in.”

  
    A tall older man carrying a clipboard entered the room.

   
   “Sorry to disturb you, but Miss Cox is having difficulty with the fields test.”

   
   “I’ll be right back detective.”

  
    “Take your time.”

   
   Heather closed the door behind her. This was his opportunity. He leapt up and carefully opened her handbag. Billie recoiled at the two blue eyeballs that looked up at him from a glass jar. He quickly closed the bag and returned to his seat. There might be something to Jim Hardwick’s letter after all. The door opened and Heather returned to her seat.

   
   “Right, detective, if you sit back, let me take a closer look at those beautiful blue eyes of yours.”

   
   He smiled nervously.

Uncertain Times 2

When I woke up this morning, I heard the bin men take the recycling. The crash and clank of glass bottles reminded me that there are people out there, working to help us through these uncertain times.

Feeling emotional, anxious, scared and uncertain if you're getting paid or if life is going back to normal is OK. There's nothing I can say that will make you feel better. One day, we will wake up to a new normal. Going outside won't feel strange. Remembering to keep your distance from the person in front of you in Sainsburys or the Co-Op  (wherever you shop) will be a faint memory. 
Being furloughed made a few things really important to me. I have one life to make my passions my priority and being happy is the ultimate goal. Like Gary Vee always says, "Money is a tool, happiness is a state of mind."
Take care of yourself, stay safe, stay at home (if you're not working on the frontlines) and wash your hands. This one is the hardest, don't touch your face.