Carol Wyer's Blog: Carol Wyer, page 6
February 28, 2016
Why 50+ Generation Are Well-Balanced
My thanks to Michele for bringing this to my attention. I thought it was pretty accurate.
*
Even though you did not realize it at the time, most of the 50+ generation were home schooled.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the shop with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My father taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION ..
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a cave?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
February 22, 2016
I got on my high horse last week and wrote a controversia...
I got on my high horse last week and wrote a controversial article about Facebook and social media for The Huffington Post. Old Grumpy hates social media and I mean hates it, so he was quite pleased that for once I was on his side. Now, you all know how much I love being online but there are a few things that are beginning to worry me …
*
I, like many others of our generation, love social media, especially Facebook. I have hundreds of friends who share my humor, my passion for traveling and writing, and help me out with computer queries and offer advice on various aging issues I may have. I have friends who live abroad and when I chat to them I can almost pretend I am in the same room as them even though we are hundreds of miles apart. I discover the latest trends, have a laugh in various closed groups, obtain useful information about the menopause and generally spend hours gleaning facts, researching for books and enjoying social time. So, why do I now believe we ought to change our habits and get off Facebook and other social websites?
A couple of weeks ago, an ITV program featuring the Forrest family from Lancashire (mother Justine is one of my many friends on Facebook) focused on the negative effects of the Internet. The family gave up everything electronic for a week and suddenly discovered they could have fun as a family rather than continuing with their insular lives where each member hid behind phones and laptops, even Skyping or messaging each other rather than sit in the same room and talk to each other. Going ‘cold turkey’ was almost impossible for Justine who is a social media junkie. She is not alone. I fear that I, too, could be considered a borderline junkie.
Social media is fine when, like all things that are bad for us, it is used sensibly and in moderation. However, abuse it at your peril.
Reasons you should turn off your phone or tablet now include:
1. Checking through people’s statuses can make you depressed, especially when you are reading about exotic holidays or fun nights out and you are at home.
2. The blue light that is emitted from a tablet or phone suppresses the production of melatonin, the sleep hormone, so you are likely to suffer a disturbed, sleepless night. Along with that you are more likely to become depressed or more stressed.
3. You may experience weight gain associated with people who go to sleep later and eat more after 8 p.m. because of surfing on the Internet.
4. Posture may well suffer due to holding your head at an incorrect angle leading to long-term problems and you could become victim of headaches and early wear and tear on your spine.
All of the above are concerns yet there is one issue that troubles me even more than all of the above — and that is the fact that we are becoming desensitized to what we see and accept on these social media websites, especially Facebook.
In an age where all age groups are becoming selfie-obsessed, I am seeing an increasing number of photographs of people that could be considered almost pornographic. One middle-aged ‘friend’ posted a photo of herself to show how much weight she had lost. In it she wore the tiniest bikini bottom and a top that revealed far more of her ample cleavage than it ought to, leaving nothing to the imagination. Another showed off a tattoo dressed only in skimpy briefs that clung to his private parts.
Call me a prude but I maintain we are far too accepting of what we see or look at. Not only do people pour out all their thoughts and beliefs online when hitherto these would have been kept secret in the confines of a private diary, but they seem content to show themselves off to an audience they barely know.
Before Facebook was invented in 2004, most sane people wouldn’t have allowed anyone to take a picture of them naked — or even in a bikini — and post it in a public place like the newsagent’s window. Yet plenty of people have no problem sticking a photo of themselves on Facebook in the skimpiest of outfits, lulled into a false sense of security that ‘only their friends can see it’ — but of course, lots of us — especially teenagers — have ‘friends’ on Facebook whom we wouldn’t recognize if they fell on the floor in front of us.
In her new novel, “After The Lie,” the author Kerry Fisher looks at how the Internet has desensitized us to shock and how attitudes have changed since as recently as …
Read the full article at the Huffington Post HUFF 50
February 21, 2016
Trumpet Blowing
I hope you don’t object if I indulge in a little trumpet-blowing today. As regular followers will know Life Swap, my ninth book – crumbs – have I written that many?- will be released on April 22nd and is currently available for review on Netgalley.
Netgalley is where all the reviewers hang out and get free books they fancy from publishers ahead of their release. In exchange, they write reviews and publish them on Goodreads, blogs and eventually on Amazon. It is a super win-win for writers and reviewers – that is if the book is enjoyed. Write a duffer of a novel and you will have to put up with the consequences.
Us writers adore reviewers. Honestly. Without them no one would ever get to hear about our books. A good review has the power to make a writer walk on air all day and boosts their confidence hugely. (Many of us suffer from “eek” syndrome – also known as “Eek! Is my book good enough? No, I bet it isn’t. Oh why did I write it? What happens if no one likes it?” syndrome.)
If you enjoy a book, spend a couple of minutes telling everyone why. Even if you only write a few words on Amazon your review will be hugely appreciated.
*
Life Swap is a bit of a departure for me. It’s still chockablock full of humour but is part thriller and has a whopper of a twist that has managed to flummox everyone so far. I wanted to see if I had what it takes to surprise an audience and judging by the reviews, I have.
I wasn’t aware of how many times it had been downloaded from Netgalley and when I the first review for it appeared, I was totally blown away. It came from and avid reader who blogs at The Book Magnet.
Soon after, other reviews appeared along with messages on Twitter screaming “How could you? Wonderful!” Then I spotted Facebook reviews that made me squeal in delight. Yesterday, I decided it was time I popped along to Goodreads to see if anyone had posted a review there. Boy, had they? I scrolled through them all and made little “Whoop!” noises.
*
“Life Swap is such great fun and hugely entertaining with an amazing twist at the end that I didn’t see coming at all.” Michelle Ryles
*
*
“… Couldn’t read its fast enough. Hugely entertaining, and enormously original, this clever little gem had me laughing in my seat. Or should I say glued to my seat. It was hard to pull away once I began this infectiously amusing adventure. My hats of to the author as I sit here in her praise.” Brenda Perlin
*
“Do yourself a favor and go to Amazon and hit the order button on Life Swap. I know, it doesn’t come out until the endish of April but if you pre-order it now then it will automatically show up on your Kindle (or app) then and you can read it and thank me. (Added bonus: it’s only 99 cents. Believe me … I would be telling you to go pre-order it if it was 5 times that!)” Karen
*
*
” …what I will say is if you enjoy a fun, funny and overall excellent book then pre order this now or run out to the book store in April when it is released and pick it up, you won’t be disappointed!!” Kierann Davey
*
So, thank you to everyone who has downloaded the book and taken trouble to write a review. I have collected them all and put them in a virtual file. You have lifted my spirits, made me feel happy and made me appreciate how fortunate I am. You’ve also given me the encouragement I needed to try my hand at writing thrillers. Yes, I shall be embracing my dark side soon.
All of which leads me to say, are you tempted to pre order Life Swap yet? If so, head to Amazon and click that button. It’s only 99 pence/ 99 cents so grab a copy and see if you agree with the reviewers.
PRE ORDER AT AMAZON UK OR AMAZON US
February 19, 2016
Feel Good Friday
There is increasing evidence that laughter is really good for you, so hopefully you’ll enjoy at least one of this mixed bag of jokes. Hope they set you up for the weekend.
If you have any funnies you’d like to share with us, email me at author@carolewyer.co.uk and I’ll put them up.
*
Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says, “It’s awfully quiet on deck tonight.”
Murphy says, “Everyone will be watching the band.”
Paddy says, “There isn’t a band playing tonight.”
So Murphy says, “I definitely heard someone say, ‘a band on ship.’
*
The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets/sleeping bag, extra clothing (including scarf, hat and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads.
I did feel like a right twit on the bus.
*
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
“The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”
*
FLU SEASON To avoid it…
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
Go for a swim,
Take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can’t, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor’s approach.
Think about it…
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol….
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So…
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes and laugh….(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs
Can’t get you!
REMEMBER:
‘A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ass!’
*
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour’s dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, “The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?”
Paddy says, “I’ve put their dog in our garden – now we’ll see how they like it!”
February 7, 2016
Myths about Ageing Well
I was sent this humorous article on Facebook and thought you might enjoy it. Pass the chocolate …
Interview with a Japanese doctor
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
AND……
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
February 3, 2016
When Will I be Famous? Pt II #Masterpiece
The cat got let out the bag last week when I received a volley of emails and texts saying I had been spotted on BBC 1’s The One Show. I scratched my head and tried to remember talking to the presenters (I wouldn’t have forgotten chatting to Alex, would I?) then decided I must have a doppelganger until I realised the presenters had been talking to Alan Titchmarsh, famous person and household name who is hosting a brand new quiz show to do with antiques.
I was amazed to discover they used a clip of the show – Masterpiece that featured yours truly pulling faces at the camera and looking like a total buffoon. I had hoped to fly under the radar with this show and now it’s out I’ll have to face the ridicule when you all see my woeful appearance. 
I was invited to do Masterpiece after I was on Decimate. Apparently I was just what they needed for the show (no good at quizzes and bonkers, I guess) but I needed a team mate. When I first read the email I thought “no chance” I know nothing about antiques then a chance conversation with my very lovely neighbour, Emma happened and she divulged she had always wanted to be on Bargain Hunt or similar and I said, “As it happens, I have been invited to do a new antiques quiz show and I need a partner who has some idea of what they’re talking about since I don’t.”
We applied and within a day found ourselves in front of the producers for a Skype interview and got selected although the team refused to tell us who would be hosting the new show, what it was called and were it would be filmed. I love a mystery, so over the next three days, Ema and I tried to work out who would be hosting. Texts flew between us. “Fern Britton?’ “No. She’s doing a BBC antiques show.” “Dale Winton?” “Hope not!” “Ant and Dec?” “Eek!” and so on. We finally high-fived each other when we discovered it was to be Alan Titchmarsh as he was top of our list of “hosts we would most feel comfortable with”.
A week before we were due to be filmed we had a flurry of instructions and found out the filming was in a stately home down in the south of England. Of course, I spent a profitable day Googling everywhere but discovered there were more stately homes than I realised! Last October we were sent down south by train to Lewes and put up in a hotel overnight with all the other teams that were to appear on the show. The following day we were ferried out in black vans to the Firle Place where Masterpiece was filmed.
It was a totally mental day with three shows being filmed simultaneously and cameras, technicians, contestants, crew and miles and miles of cable all over the stately home. You can imagine the chaos.
It was also however, a brilliant day. We had such a laugh and I made some fantastic new friends who are going to be on the show. Having spent all day from 7am to 10pm we had oodles of time to find out about each other and play games of Jenga while we waited to do our bits to camera. It was a top experience and one that helped me write my next book which will be due out in September.
Can I tell you the result of the show? No! Ha!
Masterpiece starts on the 15th Feb 3pm ITV but I don’t know which episode I’ll be on. Watch out for close ups of my flipping wrinkles, lots of shocked faces, me being a total numpty and the classic car section. Oh, and by the way … Alan Titchmarsh was a fantastic host!
Next stop … Hollywood …
February 1, 2016
After the Lie – stunning! @KerryFSwayne
This is a special post today and it’s very much “hot off the press”. I’m proud to be part of the special cover reveal for Kerry Fisher’s fabulous new book. So without further ado, here it is …
After the Lie by Kerry Fisher
An addictive and gripping read about love, life and living a lie …
One little lie can make one big difference …
Lydia has the ‘right’ kind of friends, her children are at the ‘right’ kind of school and she’s married to the ‘right’ sort of man – kind, steady, reliable Mark. Her wedding business is flourishing and even though she is at loggerheads with her mother, she couldn’t ask for anything more from life.
But the truth is that Lydia has been lucky. She has been living a lie for years and Mark has no idea who he is really married to. But nothing lasts forever and the past has a funny way of catching up with the present. When the person who knows all of Lydia’s dark little secrets turns up at the school gates, his presence threatens to blow Lydia’s life apart.
What is Lydia’s terrible truth? Once the secret is out, you can’t put it back …
Publication date: 29th April 2016.
Available to pre-order now.
Born in Peterborough, Kerry Fisher studied French and Italian at Bath University, followed by several years working as an English teacher in Corsica and Spain before topping the dizzying heights of holiday rep and grape picker in Tuscany. She eventually succumbed to ‘getting a proper job’ and returned to England to study Periodical Journalism at City University. After two years working in the features department at Essentials magazine in London, love carried her off to the wilds of the West Pennine moors near Bolton. She now lives in Surrey with her husband (of whisking off to Bolton fame), two teenagers and a very naughty lab/schnauzer called Poppy. Kerry can often be seen trailing across the Surrey Hills whistling and waving pieces of chicken while the dog practises her ‘talk to the tail’.
Kerry has spent half her life talking about writing a novel, then several years at Candis magazine reviewing other people’s but it wasn’t until she took some online courses with the UCLA (University of California) that the dream started to morph into reality, culminating in the publishing of The Class Ceiling. The Avon imprint of HarperCollins picked it up and retitled it The School Gate Survival Guide, published summer 2014. Her second book, The Island Escape, came out in May 2015. It won first prize at the York Festival of Writing for the opening line: ‘I was wearing the wrong bra for sitting in a police cell’.
*
Best advice ever received: ‘This is fiction, we can skip the boring bits.’ Lynn Hightower, UCLA Writers’ Program.
*
Website: www.kerryfisherauthor.com
Follow her on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/kerryfswayne
Like her page on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/kerryfisherauthor
January 27, 2016
Grumpies Go Wild #travel
The grumpies have been at it again. This time in Portugal where Mr Grumpy has found a new hobby – paddle boarding.
Check out the videos on YouTube. It took hours to produce them. You can see why from the first video.
I honestly don’t get any better, do I? Next time I’ll film it in landscape not portrait.
Here’s one of the many failed attempts:
And the final attempt before my iPad ran out of available space. Did you spot Mr Grumpy?
We’ll be back again soon. Hope you’ll join us next time.
January 24, 2016
Is the Grass Greener? #LifeSwap
I cannot convey how thrilled I am to share the hot-off-the-press cover to my new book Life Swap. When my publishers Bookouture first revealed it to me I sat and stared at it in awe. It is perfect and hints at what lies in the pages of my most entertaining book to date. (In my humble opinion!)
A top book reviewer recently commented that Life Swap was “Genius!”
Intrigued yet?
…
Are you ready?
…
Are you?
…
Do you want to see the cover?
…
Ta-dah!
LIFE SWAP : A funny feel good read about starting again
Take a chance on a new life and maybe you’ll find your happy ever after. Because true love is always worth the risk…
Handsome prince, beautiful house, fabulous job? Polly has none of these. All she has to her name is a string of failed relationships and she’s up to her ears in debt. She sees herself as a hopeless case and would do anything to change her luck.
Simon is approaching the big 50. He’s off his game at work, his kids don’t seem to notice he exists and his wife seems to think he’s made of money. As for sex …what’s that?
So when the opportunity comes for both of them to swap their lives for a life of luxury, they jump at the chance. For Simon a life of helicopters, fast cars and hot babes beckons. For Polly, it’s all diamonds, spa days and celebrity parties. What more could they want?
Trouble is, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Is life in the fast lane more than either of them can cope with?
A witty, heart warming read, perfect for fans of Fiona Gibson and Carole Matthews.
LIFE SWAP
You can pre order your copy of Life Swap now so please check it out, and I hope you laugh as much at it as I did when I wrote it!
January 22, 2016
Feel Good Friday #exercise #exercisetips
Hands up if one of your resoultions was to get fit this year? Maybe I can help with my Feel Good Friday jokes and suggestions …
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
*
The first machine the health club put me on was the respirator.
*
I don’t need to go to the gym because I had a good workout swivelling on my chair.
*
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
*
Why did the shellfish go to the gym?
To get stronger mussels. (Groan!)
*
At this time of the year, many people take up new forms of exercise in an effort to ditch the excess weight gained from the festive season. You may be one of the hundreds who have decided to take up jogging. Therefore it might be useful then to bear in mind the “Eight essential tips for the beginner”:
1. Loosen up first. The ideal method is to throw back four fingers of scotch. If the urge to jog persists, double the loosening exercise.
2. Check your resting pulse. If you cant find your pulse, check the pulse of a loved one. This is sometimes called “playing doctor” and, with any luck, will take your mind completely off running.
3. Never run if you are a short person. Short persons are built too close to automobile exhaust pipes. The noxious fumes get into their brains and make them crazy and they try to bite buses, which can be pretty dicey, especially if the bus has not stopped.
4. Always wear – a) a brassier, and b) a jockstrap. (Strike out where inapplicable). The worst jogging injuries result from flopping. Never wear both at once. At least not in public.
5. Children often taunt passing joggers. After a while, you will become accustomed to this and even grow to enjoy it, especially if you carry a golf putter and rap taunting children smartly across the back of the head with it.
6. Dogs can be a threat. If a huge, vicious dog charges you and lunges at your throat, say “Get down,boy!”. If that doesn’t work, show him your membership card from the Humane Society.
7. Set your own pace. If you black out after five minutes, you are probably running too fast. If workman from the city come by and paint you green, you may be running too slow.
8. After jogging, check your pulse rate again. This time if you can’t find it, you are quite possibly dead. Look at it this way: your corpse is sure in great shape.
*
A school teacher asks a student, ‘Johnny, will you please conjugate the verb ‘to go’ for the class?”.
The boy begins, “I go … um … you go … ehmm… he goes … um …”
“How about a little faster?”, asks the teacher.
The boy replies, “Sure! I run, you run, she runs…”
*
Hope you enjoyed the jokes today. Yes, that is me in he photo although it was taken many, many years ago. Don’t overdo the exercise and remember to laugh – it is the best workout you can have.
