Jonathan L. Howard's Blog, page 3
August 16, 2013
Squirrel Girl and Me
Came across a passing reference today that reminded me of one of those odd coincidences in life and, because I have a ton of work to be getting on with and absolutely shouldn't be doing a whimsical blog entry, here's a whimsical blog entry about it.
Way back in about 1990, I was going to run a superhero RPG session and so was planning it out. It was going to be set in Manchester where I lived at the time, with an eye to immediacy and familiarity -- when the heroes punched a villain through a shop window, it would be possible to name the street and and the shop, and the players would know exactly where it was and how it looked. I was using the Golden Heroes ruleset from Games Workshop, dating from their pre-Warhammer niche marketing days. Awful name for a system (it's currently available under the name Squadron UK), but a good, playable game that does a good job with super powers as long as they don't get too cosmically scaled. My big bone of contention with the system was character generation was randomised with no balanced option for designing a character. Having something really unexpected landed upon you can be fun to play, but if a player desperately wants to run a Batman analogue and instead ends up with Ambush Bug, that's not ideal. Thus, I asked the players beforehand what they'd like to play and hand built the characters with an eye to them being more-or-less balanced. One player when I asked her, however, said "surprise me."
I liked her a lot as a character and a few years later when between jobs, I pitched a comic book series based on her and the team of which she is a member to Malibu Comics. They were interested and told me to resubmit when they were deciding their next round of titles in a few months. Unhappily, it never happened as by then I was working for a company that was a (non-comics) rival to Malibu. Malibu never really got any wind into its sales (Yes, that's a pun, not a misspelling. Shut up), and ended up being bought out by Marvel. Shame, as it had some good titles ("Firearm" in particular). Still, Squirrel Girl and her team stayed in my memory and I occasionally thought about pitching them to another company.
Then a two or three years ago, I was flicking through a magazine in the dentist's waiting room and came across an article about underwhelming superheroes. Lo and behold, there was Squirrel Girl. I think I may have stood up in consternation. I was certainly surprised enough to.
There wasn't much information about her, and the article was predictably snide, so I did a bit of research. It turns out that she turned up as a one-off in a Marvel adventure involving Iron Man and Doctor Doom, plotted and drawn by Steve Ditko, no less. In it, Squirrel Girl surprises Iron Man and asks to be his sidekick. He dismisses her as ridiculous, but then is promptly captured by Doom along with Squirrel. Doctor Doom disregards Squirrel Girl as no threat, which turns out to be a big mistake because she then uses her squirrel powers (she's a mutant as opposed to my technological variant) to summon a zillion squirrels that mob Doom and chew the wiring of his aircraft to pieces. Doom retreats in confusion. Oh, yes. She defeats Doctor Doom, one of the biggest bads of the Marvel universe.
She was then forgotten about for ten years or so before returning and proceeding to hand the arses of many more of Marvel's baddest of bads to them on silver platters. The Mandarin, MODOK, even Thanos, the mega-villain lurking in the wings of The Avengers movie and, one assumes, the sequel. She even beat the Wolverine in a fair fight.
Spookily enough, as far as I can make out, my submission to Malibu was with them at about the time Squirrel Girl first appeared in a Marvel title. There's no possibility of plagiarism, I hasten to add; her Marvel appearance will have been in the pipeline for months before she appeared, so there's no chance Ditko could possibly have heard about it in some staggeringly unlikely sequence of events, incestuous as the comics industry is (a trait common throughout creative jobs).
The long and the short of it is that it's simply a coincidence, albeit a very lovely one. I always liked my version of Squirrel Girl, and the thought that there's an alternative dimension version of her out there, leaping from tree to tree and fighting crime, is pleasing. I especially like that her persona seems to be a little like the benched Stephanie Brown Batgirl, one of my favourite comic book heroes of all time.
If you'd like to know more about the Marvel Squirrel Girl, there's a Wiki entry for her here, and some nice blog stuff with lots of images here.
And, yes, I still want to do my odd superheroes comic. Publishers, you know where to find me.
Way back in about 1990, I was going to run a superhero RPG session and so was planning it out. It was going to be set in Manchester where I lived at the time, with an eye to immediacy and familiarity -- when the heroes punched a villain through a shop window, it would be possible to name the street and and the shop, and the players would know exactly where it was and how it looked. I was using the Golden Heroes ruleset from Games Workshop, dating from their pre-Warhammer niche marketing days. Awful name for a system (it's currently available under the name Squadron UK), but a good, playable game that does a good job with super powers as long as they don't get too cosmically scaled. My big bone of contention with the system was character generation was randomised with no balanced option for designing a character. Having something really unexpected landed upon you can be fun to play, but if a player desperately wants to run a Batman analogue and instead ends up with Ambush Bug, that's not ideal. Thus, I asked the players beforehand what they'd like to play and hand built the characters with an eye to them being more-or-less balanced. One player when I asked her, however, said "surprise me."
I liked her a lot as a character and a few years later when between jobs, I pitched a comic book series based on her and the team of which she is a member to Malibu Comics. They were interested and told me to resubmit when they were deciding their next round of titles in a few months. Unhappily, it never happened as by then I was working for a company that was a (non-comics) rival to Malibu. Malibu never really got any wind into its sales (Yes, that's a pun, not a misspelling. Shut up), and ended up being bought out by Marvel. Shame, as it had some good titles ("Firearm" in particular). Still, Squirrel Girl and her team stayed in my memory and I occasionally thought about pitching them to another company.
Then a two or three years ago, I was flicking through a magazine in the dentist's waiting room and came across an article about underwhelming superheroes. Lo and behold, there was Squirrel Girl. I think I may have stood up in consternation. I was certainly surprised enough to.
There wasn't much information about her, and the article was predictably snide, so I did a bit of research. It turns out that she turned up as a one-off in a Marvel adventure involving Iron Man and Doctor Doom, plotted and drawn by Steve Ditko, no less. In it, Squirrel Girl surprises Iron Man and asks to be his sidekick. He dismisses her as ridiculous, but then is promptly captured by Doom along with Squirrel. Doctor Doom disregards Squirrel Girl as no threat, which turns out to be a big mistake because she then uses her squirrel powers (she's a mutant as opposed to my technological variant) to summon a zillion squirrels that mob Doom and chew the wiring of his aircraft to pieces. Doom retreats in confusion. Oh, yes. She defeats Doctor Doom, one of the biggest bads of the Marvel universe.
She was then forgotten about for ten years or so before returning and proceeding to hand the arses of many more of Marvel's baddest of bads to them on silver platters. The Mandarin, MODOK, even Thanos, the mega-villain lurking in the wings of The Avengers movie and, one assumes, the sequel. She even beat the Wolverine in a fair fight.
Spookily enough, as far as I can make out, my submission to Malibu was with them at about the time Squirrel Girl first appeared in a Marvel title. There's no possibility of plagiarism, I hasten to add; her Marvel appearance will have been in the pipeline for months before she appeared, so there's no chance Ditko could possibly have heard about it in some staggeringly unlikely sequence of events, incestuous as the comics industry is (a trait common throughout creative jobs).
The long and the short of it is that it's simply a coincidence, albeit a very lovely one. I always liked my version of Squirrel Girl, and the thought that there's an alternative dimension version of her out there, leaping from tree to tree and fighting crime, is pleasing. I especially like that her persona seems to be a little like the benched Stephanie Brown Batgirl, one of my favourite comic book heroes of all time.
If you'd like to know more about the Marvel Squirrel Girl, there's a Wiki entry for her here, and some nice blog stuff with lots of images here.
And, yes, I still want to do my odd superheroes comic. Publishers, you know where to find me.
August 7, 2013
Incoming! Stuff I'm Doing This Year
Hello, and my apologies for a lengthy silence when I just didn't get around to posting much. Anyway, I've done a bumper list of stuff I'm doing between now and November, so without further ado, for you delight and delectation...
NINE WORLDS
https://nineworlds.co.uk/
Sunday 10th August 2013
I shall making a couple of appearances on panels, and generally ninja-ing myself around elsewhere. Say hello. Buy me a drink. Say hello and buy me a drink. The panels are:
Doctor Who: The Ones You Love To Hate 11:45am to 1:00pm
Jonathan L Howard, Adam Christopher, Ben Aaronovitch, David McIntee, James Swallow, Abigail Brady and Lesley McIntee
Nothing's more fun than a really hissable villain, and Doctor Who's had more than its fair share of dastardly dudes and dames over the years. What makes a perfect villain? Is it the megalomaniac schemes? A catchphrase? Or just a natty line in sinister clothes? We talk all about the nastiest people in history.
In George II & III, Renaissance London Heathrow Hotel
Doctor Who: My Best Friend 6:45pm to 8pm
From Susan all the way through to Clara Oswald, the Doctor’s companion has been a fixture of the series for as long as it’s been on the air. But who’s been the greatest of them all? Jamie? Jo? Tegan? Rose? Donna? Or do you fly the flag for Dodo or Lady Christina? Jonathan L Howard, David A. McIntee & Matt Nixon.
In George II & III, Renaissance London Heathrow Hotel
THE KRAKEN RISES
http://unputdownable.org/event/the-kraken-rises
Saturday 19th October 2013
Bristol is a wonderfully odd place, and “The Kraken Rises” illustrates that perfectly, both literally and metaphorically. The gig is that folk who want to write turn up and discover that the arrival of comet will trigger much weirdness around the city. These doughty folk are sent hither and yon between locations where they bump into assorted reprobates (Hello there!), who help them out as they put together their own story about The Doom That Came to Bristol. Or didn’t. The writers can do whatever they like within the broad framework, and the best stories will end up in a proper published anthology organised by the lovely folk at Angry Robot. Helping the peripatetic writers on the day will be Gaie Sebold (Babylon Steel, Dangerous Gifts), David Gullen (Shopocalypse), Emma Newman (Between Two Thorns, 20 Years Later), Gareth L. Powell (The Recollection, Ack-Ack Macaque), Tim Maughan (Paintwork, “Limited Edition”), and myself.
Bristol city centre, around and about in currently secret places.
JOHANNES CABAL: THE FEAR INSTITUTE NORTH AMERICAN PUBLICATION DATE
http://us.macmillan.com/johannescabalthefearinstitute/JonathanHoward
Tuesday 1st October 2013
Johannes Cabal: The Fear Institute finally gets its much belated US publication day. Cabal has upped test tubes and defected to Thomas Dunne Books, an imprint of Macmillan, who will also be publishing the fourth Cabal in late 2014.
BRISTOL-CON
http://www.bristolcon.org/
Saturday 26th October 2013
I was on a couple of panels last year, and that’s likely to be the case again this. Bristol-con is a very friendly one day do with this year’s guests of honour being Philip Reeve, Storm Constantine, and Mark Buckingham. If you can make it, I’d throughly recommend that you do so.
Doubletree Hotel, Bristol.
WORLD FANTASY CONVENTION
http://www.wfc2013.org/
Thursday October 31st – Sunday November 3rd 2013
Nothing scheduled in stone for this one, but I shall be round and about.
Hilton Brighton Metropole
KATYA’S WAR (RUSSALKA CHRONICLES #2) PUBLICATION DATE
http://strangechemistrybooks.com/books/katyas-war-by-jonathan-l-howard/
Tuesday 5th November 2013 US and ebook publication
Thursday 7th November 2013 UK publication
Katya’s War is out on these dates, and I’m very much looking forward to its publication. I’ve had some lovely feedback from readers about Katya’s World (along with some slightly boggled comments from people who are confused and sometimes resentful that I write things that aren’t about Johannes Cabal. Considering what a pejorative term “one-trick pony” is, I never expected to be criticised for not being one. Ah, well). I have a lot of plans for “The Russalka Chronicles.” Oh, you just wait.
No release or launch day plans yet, but I think there’s likely to be something happening. Tough to get anything planned at the moment, but I have a few ideas. Watch this space.
BRISTOL-CON FRINGE
http://www.bristolcon.org/?p=2062
7:30 pm Monday 18th November 2013
I shall be doing a couple of readings in the back room of the Shakespeare Tavern (the Shakespeare on Prince Street, that is. This one: http://gkpubs.co.uk/pubs-in-bristol/shakespeare-pub/ Not the one near Temple Circus), along with Ian Milstead. I’ll probably be doing a Johannes Cabal bit and something else non-Cabal. Might even write something v. short specially.
Shakespeare Tavern, 68 Prince Street, Bristol.
NINE WORLDS
https://nineworlds.co.uk/
Sunday 10th August 2013
I shall making a couple of appearances on panels, and generally ninja-ing myself around elsewhere. Say hello. Buy me a drink. Say hello and buy me a drink. The panels are:
Doctor Who: The Ones You Love To Hate 11:45am to 1:00pm
Jonathan L Howard, Adam Christopher, Ben Aaronovitch, David McIntee, James Swallow, Abigail Brady and Lesley McIntee
Nothing's more fun than a really hissable villain, and Doctor Who's had more than its fair share of dastardly dudes and dames over the years. What makes a perfect villain? Is it the megalomaniac schemes? A catchphrase? Or just a natty line in sinister clothes? We talk all about the nastiest people in history.
In George II & III, Renaissance London Heathrow Hotel
Doctor Who: My Best Friend 6:45pm to 8pm
From Susan all the way through to Clara Oswald, the Doctor’s companion has been a fixture of the series for as long as it’s been on the air. But who’s been the greatest of them all? Jamie? Jo? Tegan? Rose? Donna? Or do you fly the flag for Dodo or Lady Christina? Jonathan L Howard, David A. McIntee & Matt Nixon.
In George II & III, Renaissance London Heathrow Hotel
THE KRAKEN RISES
http://unputdownable.org/event/the-kraken-rises
Saturday 19th October 2013
Bristol is a wonderfully odd place, and “The Kraken Rises” illustrates that perfectly, both literally and metaphorically. The gig is that folk who want to write turn up and discover that the arrival of comet will trigger much weirdness around the city. These doughty folk are sent hither and yon between locations where they bump into assorted reprobates (Hello there!), who help them out as they put together their own story about The Doom That Came to Bristol. Or didn’t. The writers can do whatever they like within the broad framework, and the best stories will end up in a proper published anthology organised by the lovely folk at Angry Robot. Helping the peripatetic writers on the day will be Gaie Sebold (Babylon Steel, Dangerous Gifts), David Gullen (Shopocalypse), Emma Newman (Between Two Thorns, 20 Years Later), Gareth L. Powell (The Recollection, Ack-Ack Macaque), Tim Maughan (Paintwork, “Limited Edition”), and myself.
Bristol city centre, around and about in currently secret places.
JOHANNES CABAL: THE FEAR INSTITUTE NORTH AMERICAN PUBLICATION DATE
http://us.macmillan.com/johannescabalthefearinstitute/JonathanHoward
Tuesday 1st October 2013
Johannes Cabal: The Fear Institute finally gets its much belated US publication day. Cabal has upped test tubes and defected to Thomas Dunne Books, an imprint of Macmillan, who will also be publishing the fourth Cabal in late 2014.
BRISTOL-CON
http://www.bristolcon.org/
Saturday 26th October 2013
I was on a couple of panels last year, and that’s likely to be the case again this. Bristol-con is a very friendly one day do with this year’s guests of honour being Philip Reeve, Storm Constantine, and Mark Buckingham. If you can make it, I’d throughly recommend that you do so.
Doubletree Hotel, Bristol.
WORLD FANTASY CONVENTION
http://www.wfc2013.org/
Thursday October 31st – Sunday November 3rd 2013
Nothing scheduled in stone for this one, but I shall be round and about.
Hilton Brighton Metropole
KATYA’S WAR (RUSSALKA CHRONICLES #2) PUBLICATION DATE
http://strangechemistrybooks.com/books/katyas-war-by-jonathan-l-howard/
Tuesday 5th November 2013 US and ebook publication
Thursday 7th November 2013 UK publication
Katya’s War is out on these dates, and I’m very much looking forward to its publication. I’ve had some lovely feedback from readers about Katya’s World (along with some slightly boggled comments from people who are confused and sometimes resentful that I write things that aren’t about Johannes Cabal. Considering what a pejorative term “one-trick pony” is, I never expected to be criticised for not being one. Ah, well). I have a lot of plans for “The Russalka Chronicles.” Oh, you just wait.
No release or launch day plans yet, but I think there’s likely to be something happening. Tough to get anything planned at the moment, but I have a few ideas. Watch this space.
BRISTOL-CON FRINGE
http://www.bristolcon.org/?p=2062
7:30 pm Monday 18th November 2013
I shall be doing a couple of readings in the back room of the Shakespeare Tavern (the Shakespeare on Prince Street, that is. This one: http://gkpubs.co.uk/pubs-in-bristol/shakespeare-pub/ Not the one near Temple Circus), along with Ian Milstead. I’ll probably be doing a Johannes Cabal bit and something else non-Cabal. Might even write something v. short specially.
Shakespeare Tavern, 68 Prince Street, Bristol.
May 10, 2013
Mace Windu Explains the Force
I come across some odd things in my work folders sometimes, things I don't even recall writing. The following is one such example.
I distantly remember thinking to myself that it was pure luck that Obi-Wan Kenobi survived the suppression of the Jedi and not, say, Mace Windu. That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars (I'm sorry, but I still cannot bring myself to call the film anything but Star Wars. I saw it six times in the cinema under that name, and no amount of later jiggery-pokkery by Mr George "But I Didn't Want to Do It That Way, Really. Honest" Lucas will convince me that it is actually Episode 4, is called A New Hope, and that Greedo fired first)... I'll start again. That parenthetical comment ran on a bit longer than intended.
That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars might have been with Mace Windu lurking out in the deserts of Tatooine, awaiting the day when events brought young Luke Skywalker to him. It is, I suppose, a partner to the Star Wars spoof I posted a while ago. It is also, I regret to say, a bit sweary. I shall therefore hide it away behind an inviolate "Adults Only" shield, both to avoid corrupting any minors, and also because I've never played with the "Adults Only" gizmo before, and I do love to tinker.
THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
LUKE: Sure, go ahead.
MACE watches as THREEPIO’s eyes go out, indicating he is in low-power mode.
MACE: Well, thank fuck for that. Where did you get that whiney ass piece of shit, son?
LUKE: The… we bought him from the Jawas.
MACE: Jawas. Shit. So it’s not just whiney, it’s hot? You got to be some sort of special dumb to bring that thing around my crib. Fuck. Look, just take the piece, will you?
MACE hands Luke the saber.
LUKE: What is it?
MACE: Your pop’s lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Think a blaster’s gangsta? THIS is gangsta.
Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling.
MACE: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. When you absolutely, positively haveta kill every motherfucka in the cantina. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice and shit in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the motherfuckin’ Empire.
Luke hasn't really been listening.
LUKE: How did my father die?
MACE: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: He killed my father…
MACE: Fuck, no, man. He IS your father.
LUKE: WHAT?
MACE: Want me to tell you about the Force?
LUKE: My father..?
MACE: Sure you do. Well, the Force is what makes a Jedi a badass motherfucker. It's an energy field created by all living things, or somethin’. Kinda snoozed through that part of Jedi 101. Anyways, it surrounds us and penetrates us and lets us do awesome Jedi fu. It binds the galaxy together, too, but that ain’t so interesting.
Artoo makes beeping sounds.
MACE: Okay, so let’s try and figger out what this POS droid is, and maybe where it came from.
LUKE: My father’s alive, and is evil, and is the Emperor’s right hand hatchet man? Is that what you’re telling me?
MACE: Old news. Wait, wait, wait… time for my shows.
LUKE: My dad is Darth fucking Vader?
LUKEis cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Artoo's head.
BEN: Whoa, you got porn on this thing?
Luke stops as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes.
LEIA: General Windu, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
MACE: Is THAT what he told you? ‘Cos that is bull… shit.
LEIA: Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
MACE: That’ll be your dad. The fuck.
LEIA: I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it.
MACE: Would that be your biological dad, or your adopted dad, princess? Meh, probably both.
LEIA: You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Mace Windu, you're my only hope.
There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old MACE leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. LUKE looks traumatised
MACE: She do like to impose, don’t she? Okay, here’s the thing, Luke. You gotta learn the ways of the Force if you're coming with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan.
MACE: Sure you are. And you know the great thing about Alderaan? It ain’t this shit hole, that’s what.
LUKE: I've got to go home. I need to talk to my aunt and uncle about my father.
MACE: Fuck that, homeboy. I need your help. Your sister there needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got… MY SISTER?
MACE: Yeah, so when we rescue her, no tongues, okay? ‘Cos that would be fuckin’ weird.
LUKE: I need to talk to my uncle and aunt REALLY urgently.
MACE: Hello? Hel-loooo? Tatooine to Luke? (Raps LUKE on the forehead) This… is… not… complicated. Darth Vader’s your long lost pa, Princess Cinnamon Swirls there is your long lost sister, you’ve been lied to your whole life, and your aunt and uncle are probably dead already because they were dumb enough not to hide you under a fake name. So, yeah, it’s a big fuckin' furball. Now cough it up and let’s move on to when I get to fuck up Vader’s shit for being an asshole. Alderaan, okay? Focus.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.
MACE: Don’t make me hurt you, son. I got a purple lightsaber, and I ain’t so old I can’t take you outside and cut off your legs with it like I did with your old man.
LUKE: You did WHAT?
MACE: He was evil, or maybe you missed that factoid? Dropped him in a lava flow, too. Thought I’d fucked him up but good. Resilient lil cocksucker, it turns out. (Sighs happily) Good times. Oh, is your lip wobbling? Am I upsetting you? Suck it up, man; how do you think I got his lightsaber?
LUKE: You’re an asshole.
MACE: Maybe, but I am a fucking righteous Jedi asshole. Now let’s get to Mos Eisley. Show you a good time there. Warp a few minds, cut up a few motherfuckers. Then hire a ship, then Alderaan, then rescue your sis. Remember: no tongues.
I distantly remember thinking to myself that it was pure luck that Obi-Wan Kenobi survived the suppression of the Jedi and not, say, Mace Windu. That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars (I'm sorry, but I still cannot bring myself to call the film anything but Star Wars. I saw it six times in the cinema under that name, and no amount of later jiggery-pokkery by Mr George "But I Didn't Want to Do It That Way, Really. Honest" Lucas will convince me that it is actually Episode 4, is called A New Hope, and that Greedo fired first)... I'll start again. That parenthetical comment ran on a bit longer than intended.
That started me thinking about what kind of film the original Star Wars might have been with Mace Windu lurking out in the deserts of Tatooine, awaiting the day when events brought young Luke Skywalker to him. It is, I suppose, a partner to the Star Wars spoof I posted a while ago. It is also, I regret to say, a bit sweary. I shall therefore hide it away behind an inviolate "Adults Only" shield, both to avoid corrupting any minors, and also because I've never played with the "Adults Only" gizmo before, and I do love to tinker.
THREEPIO: Sir, if you'll not be needing me, I'll close down for awhile.
LUKE: Sure, go ahead.
MACE watches as THREEPIO’s eyes go out, indicating he is in low-power mode.
MACE: Well, thank fuck for that. Where did you get that whiney ass piece of shit, son?
LUKE: The… we bought him from the Jawas.
MACE: Jawas. Shit. So it’s not just whiney, it’s hot? You got to be some sort of special dumb to bring that thing around my crib. Fuck. Look, just take the piece, will you?
MACE hands Luke the saber.
LUKE: What is it?
MACE: Your pop’s lightsaber. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Think a blaster’s gangsta? THIS is gangsta.
Luke pushes a button on the handle. A long beam shoots out about four feet and flickers there. The light plays across the ceiling.
MACE: An elegant weapon for a more civilized time. When you absolutely, positively haveta kill every motherfucka in the cantina. For over a thousand generations the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice and shit in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the motherfuckin’ Empire.
Luke hasn't really been listening.
LUKE: How did my father die?
MACE: A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. Now the Jedi are all but extinct. Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force.
LUKE: He killed my father…
MACE: Fuck, no, man. He IS your father.
LUKE: WHAT?
MACE: Want me to tell you about the Force?
LUKE: My father..?
MACE: Sure you do. Well, the Force is what makes a Jedi a badass motherfucker. It's an energy field created by all living things, or somethin’. Kinda snoozed through that part of Jedi 101. Anyways, it surrounds us and penetrates us and lets us do awesome Jedi fu. It binds the galaxy together, too, but that ain’t so interesting.
Artoo makes beeping sounds.
MACE: Okay, so let’s try and figger out what this POS droid is, and maybe where it came from.
LUKE: My father’s alive, and is evil, and is the Emperor’s right hand hatchet man? Is that what you’re telling me?
MACE: Old news. Wait, wait, wait… time for my shows.
LUKE: My dad is Darth fucking Vader?
LUKEis cut short as the recorded image of the beautiful young Rebel princess is projected from Artoo's head.
BEN: Whoa, you got porn on this thing?
Luke stops as the lovely girl's image flickers before his eyes.
LEIA: General Windu, years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.
MACE: Is THAT what he told you? ‘Cos that is bull… shit.
LEIA: Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father's request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack and I'm afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
MACE: That’ll be your dad. The fuck.
LEIA: I have placed information vital to the survival of the Rebellion into the memory systems of this R2 unit. My father will know how to retrieve it.
MACE: Would that be your biological dad, or your adopted dad, princess? Meh, probably both.
LEIA: You must see this droid safely delivered to him on Alderaan. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Mace Windu, you're my only hope.
There is a little static and the transmission is cut short. Old MACE leans back and scratches his head. He silently puffs on a tarnished chrome water pipe. LUKE looks traumatised
MACE: She do like to impose, don’t she? Okay, here’s the thing, Luke. You gotta learn the ways of the Force if you're coming with me to Alderaan.
LUKE: Alderaan? I'm not going to Alderaan.
MACE: Sure you are. And you know the great thing about Alderaan? It ain’t this shit hole, that’s what.
LUKE: I've got to go home. I need to talk to my aunt and uncle about my father.
MACE: Fuck that, homeboy. I need your help. Your sister there needs your help. I'm getting too old for this sort of thing.
LUKE: I can't get involved! I've got… MY SISTER?
MACE: Yeah, so when we rescue her, no tongues, okay? ‘Cos that would be fuckin’ weird.
LUKE: I need to talk to my uncle and aunt REALLY urgently.
MACE: Hello? Hel-loooo? Tatooine to Luke? (Raps LUKE on the forehead) This… is… not… complicated. Darth Vader’s your long lost pa, Princess Cinnamon Swirls there is your long lost sister, you’ve been lied to your whole life, and your aunt and uncle are probably dead already because they were dumb enough not to hide you under a fake name. So, yeah, it’s a big fuckin' furball. Now cough it up and let’s move on to when I get to fuck up Vader’s shit for being an asshole. Alderaan, okay? Focus.
LUKE: Look, I can take you as far as Anchorhead. You can get a transport there to Mos Eisley or wherever you're going.
MACE: Don’t make me hurt you, son. I got a purple lightsaber, and I ain’t so old I can’t take you outside and cut off your legs with it like I did with your old man.
LUKE: You did WHAT?
MACE: He was evil, or maybe you missed that factoid? Dropped him in a lava flow, too. Thought I’d fucked him up but good. Resilient lil cocksucker, it turns out. (Sighs happily) Good times. Oh, is your lip wobbling? Am I upsetting you? Suck it up, man; how do you think I got his lightsaber?
LUKE: You’re an asshole.
MACE: Maybe, but I am a fucking righteous Jedi asshole. Now let’s get to Mos Eisley. Show you a good time there. Warp a few minds, cut up a few motherfuckers. Then hire a ship, then Alderaan, then rescue your sis. Remember: no tongues.
May 8, 2013
Skeletons! And the Big Statue! A brief appreciation of Ray Harryhausen
I remember it so well. It was shown, I would guess from the evidence, on a Sunday evening and I would make a small bet it was on ITV, their Sunday evening schedules always being more fluid than the BBC's.
Sunday evening, and we settled down to watch a film called Jason and the Argonauts." I'd never heard of Jason, either the original myth or of the film. In fact, The name "Jason" only suggested to me at the time Peter Wyngarde being louche -- I had never heard the name in any other context. I had seen no trailers, I had no preconceptions. I had just been told it was an adventure film with "monsters in it."
That was enough to make me excited, but then the film delivered all that and so much more.
Next day at my primary school, it was all any of the boys in the playground were talking about. We just kept riffing through our favourite bits again and again. There were skeletons! And the big statue! And the flying things! (Nobody got very excited about Poseidon, as he was obviously just a bloke, and not magically animated). And the hydra! And the skeletons! And the big statue!
Talos, the Big Statue, was my favourite at the time, and the sheer nightmarish implacability of the great bronze man as it methodically hunts and kills the terrified Argonauts is a striking image to this day. I think Jason and the Argonauts started my fascination with Greek myth and the legends and folklore of many nations in and of itself. I certainly remember reading a children's retelling of the tale at about the age of nine and being disappointed that, in the original, they only encounter Talos on the way back and not, as in the film, a dramatically more satisfying encounter en route. The film also skips all the subsequent unpleasantness with Medea as well as perhaps the most humiliatingly mundane and ironic death for a hero in any of the myths of Ancient Greece (if you don't know it, I'll let you find out for yourself. Suffice to say, it isn't glorious).
The original story is also inferior in lacking a Bernard Hermann soundtrack. Those silly Ancients Greeks.
As an adult, although the lead-up and staging of the Talos sequence is undoubtedly brilliant (the foreboding valley of the monuments raises the hackles before Talos moves even a millimetre), it's the sheer intricacy of the skeleton fight -- the Children of the Hydra -- that is probably my favourite scene.
And now I screech to a halt, because the man who raised those skeletons, who made Talos step down from his plinth, that made the harpies bedevil poor blind, Patrick Troughton, has gone, and I can't quite believe it. Yes, Ray Harryhausen was 92, good innings, la la la and all that. But... somewhere inside myself, I was sure he'd turn out to be immortal. I mean, he did all the grunt work for Zeus in Jason and the Argonauts, and again in Clash of the Titans. He attacked San Francisco with a giant octopus (actually a hextapus, because there wasn't enough budget to animate eight legs) and Rome with a Venusian. He knackered the Washington Monument by whacking it with a flying saucer, and made Tom Baker look cool by animating a statue of Kali. How can a man who does all this just die like a normal person?
Of course, his work has made him immortal for the foreseeable future, the clear adoration with which film-makers have spoken of him has marked him out as one of the greats, and the sheer imagination and energy he put into his creations will continue to delight for a very long time to come.
But I don't know. Can a man like that ever really die? I have a belief, held more seriously than an atheist should, that up on Mount Olympus, Hephaestus has cleared space at his workbench and he and a new god are making plans.
"That's a lot of legs."
"Is that a problem?"
"No. Not if we have the budget for them."
Sunday evening, and we settled down to watch a film called Jason and the Argonauts." I'd never heard of Jason, either the original myth or of the film. In fact, The name "Jason" only suggested to me at the time Peter Wyngarde being louche -- I had never heard the name in any other context. I had seen no trailers, I had no preconceptions. I had just been told it was an adventure film with "monsters in it."
That was enough to make me excited, but then the film delivered all that and so much more.
Next day at my primary school, it was all any of the boys in the playground were talking about. We just kept riffing through our favourite bits again and again. There were skeletons! And the big statue! And the flying things! (Nobody got very excited about Poseidon, as he was obviously just a bloke, and not magically animated). And the hydra! And the skeletons! And the big statue!
Talos, the Big Statue, was my favourite at the time, and the sheer nightmarish implacability of the great bronze man as it methodically hunts and kills the terrified Argonauts is a striking image to this day. I think Jason and the Argonauts started my fascination with Greek myth and the legends and folklore of many nations in and of itself. I certainly remember reading a children's retelling of the tale at about the age of nine and being disappointed that, in the original, they only encounter Talos on the way back and not, as in the film, a dramatically more satisfying encounter en route. The film also skips all the subsequent unpleasantness with Medea as well as perhaps the most humiliatingly mundane and ironic death for a hero in any of the myths of Ancient Greece (if you don't know it, I'll let you find out for yourself. Suffice to say, it isn't glorious).
The original story is also inferior in lacking a Bernard Hermann soundtrack. Those silly Ancients Greeks.
As an adult, although the lead-up and staging of the Talos sequence is undoubtedly brilliant (the foreboding valley of the monuments raises the hackles before Talos moves even a millimetre), it's the sheer intricacy of the skeleton fight -- the Children of the Hydra -- that is probably my favourite scene.
And now I screech to a halt, because the man who raised those skeletons, who made Talos step down from his plinth, that made the harpies bedevil poor blind, Patrick Troughton, has gone, and I can't quite believe it. Yes, Ray Harryhausen was 92, good innings, la la la and all that. But... somewhere inside myself, I was sure he'd turn out to be immortal. I mean, he did all the grunt work for Zeus in Jason and the Argonauts, and again in Clash of the Titans. He attacked San Francisco with a giant octopus (actually a hextapus, because there wasn't enough budget to animate eight legs) and Rome with a Venusian. He knackered the Washington Monument by whacking it with a flying saucer, and made Tom Baker look cool by animating a statue of Kali. How can a man who does all this just die like a normal person?
Of course, his work has made him immortal for the foreseeable future, the clear adoration with which film-makers have spoken of him has marked him out as one of the greats, and the sheer imagination and energy he put into his creations will continue to delight for a very long time to come.
But I don't know. Can a man like that ever really die? I have a belief, held more seriously than an atheist should, that up on Mount Olympus, Hephaestus has cleared space at his workbench and he and a new god are making plans.
"That's a lot of legs."
"Is that a problem?"
"No. Not if we have the budget for them."
February 6, 2013
Robin Sachs
I can hardly believe the news that Robin Sachs has died (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21343137). When Christopher Cazenove died, Robin took over the role of reading the second Johannes Cabal audio book Johannes Cabal the Detective. He called me and we had a long and pleasant chat where he asked a lot of salient questions about pronunciations and so forth. He was fun to talk with. Then, late last year, he dropped me a line to ask if I was interested in him doin Johannes Cabal: The Fear Institute? At that stage, the contracts weren't done and I wasn't sure of the rights would be available, so we chatted about this and that at length. As it turns out, the rights were still available and, if not for my own recent illness, we would have been moving ahead on an audiobook version by now. Now he's dead, and at the ridiculously early age of 61. I am truly shocked. There's no indication yet of what happened.
I can't call myself a friend of his, just somebody who worked with him once and was very much looking forward to working with him again. I chatted with him on a couple of occasions, but they were good chats. He was funny, and droll, and namedropped some huge names into the conversation precisely because, "I like hearing you go, 'Whaaaaaat?'" and then he'd laugh.
Thoughts, of course, to his family and close friends.
I can't call myself a friend of his, just somebody who worked with him once and was very much looking forward to working with him again. I chatted with him on a couple of occasions, but they were good chats. He was funny, and droll, and namedropped some huge names into the conversation precisely because, "I like hearing you go, 'Whaaaaaat?'" and then he'd laugh.
Thoughts, of course, to his family and close friends.
February 5, 2013
My tweets
Mon, 20:24
: Many thanks for the very kind wishes for my recovery. Back home now, and focussing on getting back to full health once more.
February 3, 2013
My tweets
Sun, 08:44
: Just so you know, I've been in hospital for the last couple of nights. Nothing life-threatening, just painful. May be home today.
January 31, 2013
My tweets
Wed, 16:27
: Hey, endocrine system, I know you're just trying to help, but you *really* need to get a sense of proportion.
January 30, 2013
My tweets
Tue, 17:17
: RT @mattstaggs: Here's that sex toy and dog bed combo you needed. http://t.co/xhakIwnm
Tue, 22:21
: RT @EddieRobson: My sitcom, Welcome To Our Village, Please Invade Carefully is recording on 11th & 16th February. Apply for tickets ...
Tue, 22:24
: I enjoyed the pilot of PLEASE INVADE CAREFULLY. It took pleasure in playing with words, which gets it points from me.
Wed, 10:44
: RT @D_Shariatmadari: Please everyone read this by @MartinRowson http://t.co/dhU5Jtk9
Wed, 10:48
: Wonderful actor. MT "@ghostfinder: RIP Bernard Horsfall. Shame. His appearances in Doctor Who are all fabulous. http://t.co/33UU1a7l"
January 29, 2013
My tweets
Mon, 12:33
: RT @hayleycampbelly: We will always need bookshops because where else will we half-read the work of our enemies before creasing them and ...
Mon, 18:46
: Further adventures in illness related weight loss: "Ha, ha, I'm wearing clown trousers! Oh, wait, those are my usual ones."
Mon, 21:08
: RT @Gollancz: We want a 99p book not a �4.99 book, a 20p book not a 99p book, a free book not a 20p book. Then we all spend eight hours ...
Mon, 21:22
: Wish I could draw. I want to make an animation called "Hello, I'm Will Self," in which Will Self goes around, introducing himself to people.
Mon, 23:07
: RT @PenguinPbks: The "World's Smallest Bookshop"--and it sells on the honor system! From @BookRiot: http://t.co/Hlz98ObJ
Mon, 23:09
: I have taken All The Drugs. Victory Through Pharmaceuticals. </ul
