Veronica Brush's Blog, page 9

Terror of Itsy Bitsy Proportions

I was innocently filling my coffee maker this morning when I noticed something hanging from the faucet. I thought at first it was a crumb, but it was actually a very small spider, struggling to fight the wave of water to get back up to the faucet.

The point is:

An itsy bitsy spider really did climb up my water spout.

Down came the faucet water and almost washed the spider out.

Off went the faucet and dried up all the “rain”.

And the itsy bitsy spider got hit by a shoe,

Which it really was not expecting in the sink.

If the physical trauma didn’t kill it,

It probably died from being crushed in the tissue

Or drowned in the toilet.

And I can only hope the itsy bitsy spider’s next-of-kin

Warned the rest of the itsy bitsy community

To stay away from my house.

Because I have lots of shoes.

And I’m not afraid to fling them anywhere

Even at the faces of loved ones

If I have to.

The End.

 

I love a good twist ending. I also hate spiders.

But I prefer the itsy-bitsy ones to the ones that are so big, you couldn’t bring them as a carry-on on a commercial airplane because they wouldn’t fit under the seat in front of you.

One time at work, there was a spider the size of a freakishly large watermelon climbing up my wall. “Spider Assassin” is not in my job description. So I did the only sensible thing: I got on the PA system and announced that I needed an adult.

It worked well: A lot of people showed up just to see what the heck was going on.

Let me pause here to say it’s important to use the right tool for a job. Like the old saying goes, “There’s a right way to do things, and then there’s Veronica using a power drill to hammer a can of paint closed.” (True story)

So as me and my newly-formed Spider Crisis Team discussed what to do, I suggested we use the right tool for the job.  Namely: a flame thrower.

But my co-worker was all, “Ha ha. It’s just a little spider. Your shoe will work just fine.”

I have small feet. And this was a big spider.

Despite my objections, my coworker took my shoe and threw it at the spider.

Guess how that ended?

The spider ATE my shoe. That’s how big it was! The spider swallowed my shoe whole, shoved my coworker out of his way, and then ducked under my desk to hide and plot his revenge.

Don’t believe me? I took this picture shortly afterwards so I would have photographic evidence:

Why else would I be wearing only one shoe at work if a spider that could bench-press a Harry Potter book hadn’t eaten the other one?

I accept your apology for doubting me.

Nothing like having a spider clearly hopped-up on steroids go sneaking around your office to make you get absolutely no work done because you have to check over your shoulder and on your legs every twelve seconds to make sure it hasn’t returned, and possibly in greater numbers!

Maybe even with a few snakes, just for good measure.

Snakes dressed as clowns.

This spider is that twisted.

We never found that spider. He’s still out there somewhere. And he is angry. He had the sort of face that suggested he held grudges.

So if I go missing, tell the police to look for a really big spider with a shoe lace tangled in his fangs.

Outlanderish

I watched part of an episode of Outlander. It’s about a British woman from the 1940’s who gets sent back in time to Scotland in the 1700’s. It would have been a very different show if the woman was a modern American.

Outlandisher

The Story of a 21t Century American Woman Who Gets Sent Back to Scotland in the 1700’s.

(A woman awakes in a field.)

Woman: That’s weird. I was just in the parking lot of IKEA and now I’m here. But where IS here? Siri, I am talking to you! Where is here? Stupid phone.

(Suddenly a bunch of red coats come running over a hill, firing their guns)

Woman: OMG. It’s worse than I ever could have imagined! It’s a dramatic reenactment!

(She runs away, winding up being taken in by a clan of scruffy looking guys in kilts.)

Woman: I just want you all to know that we are all on the same side. My facebook profile pic had rainbow on it for like two weeks.  So I am totally cool with you all wearing skirts.

Captain: What is she talking about, Scotty?

Scotty: I dunna a’know, Cap’n.

Captain: Well, let’s fix this man’s arm and then we’ll be on our way.

Woman: Wait! You might break his arm if you do that. Let me just look up on WebMD what to do. What are your symptoms?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Well, it’s me arm. It’s pointing the wrong direction.

Woman: Okay, and are you nauseous at all?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: A little.

Woman: Any headache?

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Not really. It’s mostly just my arm that hurts, having popped out of the socket.

Woman: Okay, let me just put that in there and…oh, man. I’m sorry, but WebMD says you have cancer.

Man With Arm Out of Socket: Is that an arm disease?

Woman: No, just boobs and skin. Don’t worry, though. I’m going to start a crowdfunding page for you, so we can send you and your boyfriend to Disney World.

Man With Arm Out of Socket: My who?!?

Woman: Smile!

(Takes cell phone photo for crowdfunding page)

(They ride off on horses, riding all night and into the day)

Woman: Hey, wait a minute, everybody! We’re about to get ambushed.

Captain: How do you know?

Woman: I just image-searched that mountain over there and Wikipedia told me that this exact spot is where people used to get ambushed all the time.

(Suddenly, a bunch of red coats jump out and start shooting)

Woman: Well, I am going to give this Wikipedia page a very good rating for accuracy.

(The red coats are beaten and the clan passes around some celebratory alcohol.)

Captain: Here, have a drink for saving our lives, lass!

Woman: Not unless it’s gluten free, organic, and diet because this guy on Instagram said that he only drank gluten free, organic, diet shakes for a year and he lost 300 pounds and had the pictures to prove it. It was nasty! I don’t know why people put up gross pictures like that. You should see it. Here, look!

Captain: I think a woman with your peculiar skills might come in handy. You will stay in the castle and work for us.

Woman: OMG, I could do so much for you guys. I worked for a Renaissance festival one summer and it was so much fun, except one of my friends actually got scurvy. At least that’s what WebMD said it was. I told him he should sue the company, but then it turned out he was eating a whole lot of “special” brownies, and that was causing most of his problems. Look, I’ve already started a blog for your castle!

(They ride into the castle. The woman is introspective.)

Woman: Have I really gone back in time? Can this really be happening? I feel like a paper napkin perched on the edge of a trashcan, that could with just the slightest breeze fall in or out of where it’s supposed to be. Oh, I’ve gotta tweet that!

End Credits

12 Angry Men and a Weirdo

I recently had jury duty.

(It was actually like ten years ago, but I’m hoping if I put it out there that I had it recently, I won’t have to have it again. Like chicken pox.)

Nobody likes jury duty and now I know why.

First of all, it’s like getting picked for teams at recess, but in reverse because no one wants to get picked for this team. Unfortunately all those poor kids who always got picked last for everything have now grown up into successful adults who now get picked first for everything, like jury duty, helping people move, and tax audits.

Pretty soon there were twelve of us sitting in the jury box answering questions from the attorney.

The questions attorneys ask you are not normal questions, either. It’s more like the questions you get asked by a first date when they’ve just gotten out of an incredibly unhealthy relationship and are trying to make sure that you’re not the same kind of crazy that they just escaped.  Like:

“If I were to ask you if you wanted to buy some chickens from me, and you did and you paid me cash, but then found out I didn’t actually have the chickens yet and it was going to be up to two years before you could get the chickens, and you wanted your money back, but I told you I had already spent it on a professional butler, how likely would you be to have the sort of reaction that would cause you to run the butler over?”

That part went okay (and the defense attorney seemed pleased that I thought I could see myself running over the butler in the chicken scenario), but then it started to go downhill when the attorney asked the first normal question:

“Who would rather not be here?”

My hand shot up, eager to be the first to stand out from the crowd of people who didn’t want to be there.

But the crowd never came.

Mine was the only hand raised, which seemed odd given that I had overheard every one of the other people in that room express a desire to be anywhere else, including the judge when he thought his mic was turned off.

I was going to have to call a mass Pants-on-Fire, but I wasn’t sure if that was allowed from a juror or if only an attorney could call that.

What I didn’t know, being a mere lass (25) was that jury duty fits beautifully into another dating analogy:

It’s like when you’re dating someone desperate and the more you can’t stand them, the more they love you and won’t let you leave.

And then it became even more like that analogy when the lawyer asked that horrible, awkward question: “Why? Why don’t you love me?”

Or maybe he asked something about me not wanting to be there. It was a long time ago.

The point is that I had taken a solemn group oath and while it was early in the morning (10am) and I wasn’t paying attention to what exactly I was swearing to, I was pretty sure “truthfully” had been said a few times. Also “pudding” for some reason. And unlike the 11 shameless liars I was having to share that jury box (and possibly pudding) with, I was going to uphold the words I couldn’t remember saying.

So I answered truthfully (while thinking about pudding just in case).

When the lawyer asked, “Why don’t you want to be here?”

I said (and this is actually true), “Because I have better things to do with my time than settle the problems of four adults who are having a childish dispute that they could handle themselves instead of inconveniencing every single person in this room, your honor.” (I added “Your honor” because I wanted to tell the truth, but did not want to get thrown in jail or, worse, sued by one of the four childish adults and have to go to court and listen to some honest and naive juror insult me when asked why they didn’t want to be there).

Spoiler alert: I did not go to jail and I swear I heard the judge giggle.

The lawyer, who was not giggling, shuffled some papers around and then it was decided I could leave right then, and shortly after that courthouse moved and changed its phone number (and that is also true, although there may have been plans to move the courthouse before I was there).

I feel that Karma truly won that day. The truth set me free, while 11 people with their beflamed trousers got stuck in a stuffy jury room eating what I hope was sub-par pudding.

Lifestyles of the Weird and Flammable

Lifestyle blogs are all the rage right now, so I’ve decided that’s what my blog is.

Now I just need a lifestyle.

But first I should ask how early do you have to get up in order to have a lifestyle? Because that could have an impact on my decision. I can barely even talk before noon. I usually just communicate through a series of grunts and the international gesture for “waffles”. So how am I supposed to be able to lifestyle first thing in the morning?

Also, how much Dr. Pepper are you allowed to drink? Because I would describe my personal lifestyle as very Dr. Peppery. Does that count?

How about this: Dr. Pepper advertises that it has 23 flavors, but I like mine with a little shot of coke (the soda, not the other kind) because apparently my tongue has ADD and 23 flavors just isn’t enough! And that’s almost like cooking. And cooking is lifestylish. Unfortunately that is 1/3 of all my cooking knowledge. The other 2/3 are:

Draining the water from the noodles is an important step in making macaroni and cheese, even if they forget to include that step in the instructions on the box
With only the use of a toaster oven and a frozen pot pie, it possible to light what is essentially ice on fire

Those are both true stories and the reason I no longer have to cook at family gatherings.  But I remain the best dang table setter in the west.

Oh, I have a baking story! And baking is definitely a lifestyle, right?

My sister made a 7 layer cookie for a party the other day. We’re both gluten-intolerant, which means we often say mean things about gluten, like “Stupid gluten, taking jobs from other hardworking grains!” Because of that, she had to leave out some of the layers of her 7 layer cookie, including the cookie. So what she actually made was a cheesecake with toppings. But we decided we could still call it a 7 layer cake.

Except it only had two toppings: chocolate chips and coconut. So we got creative with finding the other layers. Her 7 layer cake was:

-The pan

-Cheesecake

-Love

-Chocolate Chips

-Coconut

-Resentment

-Air

Don’t worry: the resentment’s bitter taste was offset by the air.

I know fashion is very lifestylagous. I actually have some things to say about fashion.

First of all: slacks, aka fancy pants. There’s really only two places you wear fancy pants to and those are work and funerals. No one says “We’re going clubbing/to the zoo/camping/on a bank heist? Shoot! I just put my slacks in the laundry!”

So I would like to know: why do they make modern slacks so tight and thin as to show off your underwear. Call me old fashioned, but if other people can see your underwear, I’d say you failed at getting dressed this morning.

It’s called “underwear” because it should be fully UNDER other clothing and people, if they want to see it, should have to ask WEAR is it? No one has ever thought Superman is trendy for his outer-underwear. People with visible underwear are only one degree of separation away from that.

But slacks add that extra awkwardness of not saying only, “Hello, world! Look at my underwear!”, but saying that to the two people it is most awkward to say it to: your boss and people in mourning.

A good rule of thumb for showing off your underwear is this: If you would not present your underwear TO a person, then it probably isn’t a good idea to present it to them while on your person.  I hope this helps.

Second: if you wear shoes with holes in them, wearing brightly colored socks attracts attention to the holes.

This may be too much work. Forget the lifestyle. My blog will just go back to being…difficult to describe.

Grin and Bear It

This morning started like every other morning: namely, in the afternoon because it was 12:30 when I got up.

That’s when I found THE NOTE.

This is what it read (and this is verbatim):

“Dear Veronica –

These muffins are for you.

Also, bear sighted near our intersection yesterday. Check for bear before letting the dog out.

Love, Mom”

Have you ever done a spit-take with a muffin? I have now. I will be finding bits of muffin in weird places for weeks to come.

Check for bear? That’s not like checking the weather or making sure you didn’t forget to put on pants before you left for the grocery store. I’m not a zoologist. I don’t know how you check for bear. Is there an app for that? I’m starting to think there should be.

Do you just go out and start reading Winnie the Pooh out loud and listen for clapping? And in that case, how do you know the clapping is coming from a bear and not just a roaming, free-range toddler?

I dug deep in my memory banks to see if I had any pertinent bear-detection skills lurking in the recesses of mind, but all I came back with was “Stop, look, and listen”. I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re supposed to do to avoid getting hit by a car. But it was all I had, so I decided to try it.

I looked out the window and used my keen observation skills to notice that I was not staring into the open jowls of an angry bear.

Then I realized I had failed to actually do the “Stop” part. So I ceased not stopping and began starting my stop. Overall, I found this step to be the most useless.

Then I opened the back door just a crack and listened carefully for the sound of yodeling.

You’re wondering where yodeling came into the mix, aren’t you? Well I’ll tell you how my mind got there. Then you’ll be sorry.

The closest I have ever come to a bear is watching the trailer for the Revenant and since the bear in that movie wasn’t union, he did not get any lines. So I have no idea what sound a bear actually makes. In all my years as a child, Old MacDonald always failed to have a bear on his farm to make whatever sound here and there and everywhere.

So then I thought that I could simply listen for noises that were out of the ordinary and that would alert me to the presence of a bear. And then I thought, “What sort of noise would be out of the ordinary to hear in my backyard?”

Yodeling, obviously. Never have I heard the slightest amount of yodeling in my yard. And so if I heard any now, it would be obvious that something was amiss.

But since there wasn’t any yodeling, I felt pretty sure that it was relatively safe to let my dog out. I just wasn’t about to make her go out all by herself.

And so I armed myself with the best bear-avoidance equipment I had on hand:

I put on my sneakers so I could outrun the bear
I got my cell phone so I could distract the bear by ordering a pizza
I had on my pajamas, which are tie-dye, a natural bear repellent
I found a weapon to protect us with. I was looking for a baseball bat, but all I could find was a yard stick. So I brought that.

I took my dog out on a leash and waited impatiently for her to do her business (Import/Export Management). Of course she took her time, as though she did not understand the reason I was clinging so desperately to that yard stick was because it was possibly the only thing standing between us and seeing the inside of a bear’s intestine.

I could already see the headlines:

“Crazed woman runs at bear with yard stick, screaming ‘YOU CANNOT EAT MY PUPPY! SHE’S THE QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!!!’ before being eaten. In lieu of flowers, please send doggie toys.”

Spoiler alert: we did not get eaten by a bear.

However my dog will still need to go out a few more times today.

Does anybody have a thick, hard-back copy of “Paddington” I could borrow and possibly get bear blood on?

New Stereotypes

Sometimes I feel left out, just like everyone does.

Hey, wait a minute…

I decided a good way to combat that was to come up with some stereotypes that will make me feel more normal.

I know what you’re thinking, “If everyone is losing socks in the dryer, why don’t socks just come in sets of 3?”

Well, normally I do embrace my weirdness. But you, the readers, have started expecting that of me, making it normal. So I have to do something strange and unexpected. And the only thing people don’t expect me to do is act normal.

So you see my conundrum. I’m stuck between a rock and an angry flamingo selling insurance.

I love this picture so much, I had to use it twice.

But you knew I was going to say that.

I don’t generally fit into stereotypes. Except for being both Irish and aggressively pale. But eventually all my freckles will fuse and make me look tan.

In eager-anticipation of that amazing day, here are some new stereotypes I can fit into.

Dog lovers have small feet. I believe our obsession with small feet has to do with the Chinese tradition of foot-binding. I think the Chinese have put mind-control devices in everything we buy from them that secretly repeat subliminal messages about how small feet are attractive. Just a theory.

Before you get jealous of my small feet, I invite you to look at this graph about size of feet and how it relates to amount of time spent falling down:

What’s that dip and peak about? That’s a meaningless dip and peak to make it look like more of an official graph. Sorry, people with size 7 feet.

But the great thing about this stereotype is that it will make people feel good about themselves. And after all, isn’t that what stereotypes are all about?

If you love dogs, you will naturally look at your feet and think “They are kind of small, aren’t they?”, even if they aren’t particularly. So everyone’s a winner. Except for people who don’t like dogs. But those people obviously have bigger problems than just their ginormous feet.

Creative people are skinny. This is of course based on the age-old saying “You burn more calories writing a book than running a marathon.” Don’t believe that? Well more people suffer from running-related injuries than carpal tunnel syndrome every year, and yet we have an obesity epidemic. You do the math.

Maniacal people are sexy. You’re just saying that because otherwise I’ll exact horrible revenge on you in a way you’ll never see coming. And I’m okay with that.

People who’s favorite color is purple are also the smartest. I feel like this one is self-explanatory. Purple is awesome. It survived both Barney and that one weird Teletubby with the man purse. No other color could persevere through such trauma.

Successful people wear pajama pants for several hours every day.* This one fits me to a T. I wear pajama pants a lot and I work from home, supporting myself entirely with ideas, exactly like Steve Jobs, except I don’t have a beard or money.

But this one has an *asterisk because it does not apply to people who wear their pajama pants in public. I’m a blogger with a Twitter account and I am telling you to have some self-respect. That should be a wake-up call.

The more knick-knacks a person has, the less likely they are to ever be mugged. Let me put it this way: if I had been on the Titanic, the boat would have sunk while sitting at the dock because of the sheer weight from my bobble-heads alone. Lives could have been saved. Someday I’ll elaborate in my post entitled “How Bobble-Heads Could Have Saved Lives Throughout History”. (Side note: That was a joke, but now I really want to write it!)

And this is another one that is rooted in reality. If I were to actually dust all these knick-knacks I have, I would never leave my house, thus protecting me from getting mugged.

Night-owls are great at parallel parking. I want to be good at parallel parking.

Short people make the best friends. This one is absolutely true. You know why? Because we shorties (I’m reclaiming that word for short people everywhere!) share our left-over leg room. If we’re sitting behind you in the car, you can always move your seat back to give your legs more room. You can always put something by our feet so it’s out of your way because we aren’t using that space.  And in fact, we LIKE having your stuff on our floor-space because then we can put our feet on it and pretend that our feet are actually touching the ground.

If you’re a tall person, you NEED a short friend.

If you’ve been looking for a short friend, I am available. But full disclosure: I should warn you, I am very, very sexy.

Watch It!

Today I have a few pitches for TV shows I’d like to make.

Cops. Everyone loves cop shows and, like Kardashians or political arguments on social media, you can just never have too many of them.

But here’s a twist that hasn’t been done before:

They’re not just cops. They’re also cats. Get it? They’re cats who are cops. That’s why I spelled “Cops” with a ‘C,’ for cat, instead of…wait…

Okay, we’ll make them kittens and call it “Kops”. Even better!

There’s so many ways you can set up the premise to make sense:

Two of the city’s best cops get turned into kittens by their arch nemesis, but they’re so dedicated, they decide to stay on the job while the good guys try to figure out how to turn them back into humans
Some hackers break into the police training facility’s computer and replace the pictures of the recruits who are graduating with pictures of kittens. But nobody realizes they’ve been hacked, so the kittens get put on the job. By the time the truth comes out, the kittens have proven themselves and get to stay
Don’t even bother explaining it. Just roll with it.

I envision this as a drama, but that doesn’t mean there’s not room for a little bit of comedy. Maybe the kittens have to go undercover at a dog show or as lifeguards, but they can’t stand the water.

Also, one of the kittens is trying to hunt down the mysterious killer who murdered his mother. That’s a requirement.

Reality? This is a reality show where cameras record contestants watching a reality TV program. People who watch shows like “The Bachelor” have really strong opinions about which contestants should get roses and which contestants should have to find and disarm the bomb over the active volcano.

Okay, I’ve never actually watched “The Bachelor”, so that may not be exactly how it goes. But I assume there has to be some sort of penalty for not pursuing the bachelor, because why else would people actually be sad to be getting off the show?

Anyway, you put a bunch of people in a room and make them watch a reality TV show and let them argue about which contestants they like and which ones are total jerks. Whoever makes the most and fastest judgments wins that week. They’re presented with the coveted “Winner’s Pizza” and the loser is over-dramatically driven away by the pizza delivery guy.

The remaining contestants don’t find out until the final episode that the reality show they’ve been watching the whole time is the reality show that they’re on. So they’ve been watching and judging themselves all along.

Did I mention we’ll put them all in mustaches so they don’t recognize themselves? That’s a key point.

Killing Cousins. It’s kind of a misleading title, but this is a charming cooking show where long-lost cousins get to meet for the first time and learn to cook a fancy meal. I think the title will really draw in viewers, as people who watch TV seem to have a disturbing obsession with killers.

The title may make it hard to get willing participants, though.

“I’m calling to ask if you’d like to be on our reality show? We’d like to reunite you with your long lost cousin and teach you both how to make flan. It’s called ‘Killing Cousins’. Hello? Hello?”

Escaping Twilight. This is like the walking dead, only instead of a ragtag group of humans, it’s a group of vampires. And instead of zombies, they’re being chased by tweener fan girls who want to marry them.  Scary.

Sell-Out Doc. This would basically be an hour long commercial for various “health” products with the goal of making as much money as possible off of them before they get taken off the market for causing death in most cases.

But this would be different than that show you’re thinking of because the doctor would also be a cat. That’s why I spelled “Doc” with a ‘C’ instead of…dang it!

Technically…

People misuse the word “Fact” a lot.

And by “people”, I mean the internet.

And by “fact”, I mean “Michael Jackson comes out of hiding, admits to faking his own death, and throws support behind Trump, sources say.”

Even when people use the word “fact” correctly, it can still be misleading.

To prove my point, I’ve come up with some completely useless, confusing, and odd things that are technically facts.

I should warn you that to get to my technical facts, I have to use some actual, factual facts that you can look up and verify are all really true. As a result, you may accidentally learn something. Please consult your physician before learning anything.

(And I’m serious: you will not believe these things that I say are facts, but you can Google them and see they are all true!)

Fact: If you are ever swept up in an avalanche, you are supposed to flail as much as you can.  The idea is that you will create an open space around yourself that, when the snow settles, will provide you with a supply of air that will hopefully last until you are found. This is why I spend so much of my free time flailing, in case I ever decide to go somewhere there are avalanches. (That is a less factual fact.)

Fact: Conversely, though, if you are ever caught in quick sand, you are supposed to AVOID flailing because it will make you sink faster.

Which leads us to the Technical Fact: No one has ever survived a quicksand avalanche.

See how that works? It’s factual without being the least bit helpful or educational.

Let’s look at a few more.

Fact: When you are attacked by a shark, you are supposed to punch it in the nose. (That is also a factual fact, but no one ever believes me when I tell them that because it sounds like something I would make up. Sort of like my “tickling it will stop a rhino from charging” theory, which has gotten me banned from several zoos as well as the continent of Africa.)

Fact: On the other hand, violence never solves anything.

Technical Fact: Saving yourself from a shark attack does not solve your problem.

Fact: The average bank robber gets $2,500 from his heist.

Fact: The average retainer for a defense attorney for a federal case is $5,000.

Fact: 93% of bank robbers are caught.

Technical Fact: On average, robbing a bank costs $2,500.

Fact: The fear of long words is called hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Technical Fact: The person who came up with that was a jerk.

Fact: The longest a chicken has ever been seen flying is 13 seconds.

Fact: Wilbur and Orville Wright’s first flight was 12 seconds.

Technical Fact: Wilbur and Orville’s first flight could have been on a chicken.

Fact: Over 10,000 people die from drunk driving accidents every year.

Fact: Over 10,000 birds die from flying into windows every year.

Technical Fact: We could save twice as many lives a year if, instead of convincing people not to drive drunk, we just threw drunk people through windows.

Fact: The average US household gets around 850 pieces of junk mail every year.

Fact: You swallow 1/10th of a calorie every time you lick a stamp.

Technical Fact: Junk mail contributes to the obesity epidemic in America.

Fact: Actor Hugh Jackman has never been divorced.

Fact: I have never been divorced.

Technical Fact: Hugh Jackman and I have never been divorced.

Fact: When you’re born, you have 300 bones.

Fact: As you age, some of your bones naturally fuse together, so adults only have 206 bones.

Technical Fact: Old people are less likely to be hunted by poachers.

Fact: In 1945, a chicken had its head cut off, but continued living for another 18 months. It didn’t starve because its owners shoved food in its neck.

Fact: The soap opera “As the World Turns” aired for 54 years.

Technical Fact: Humans can grow attached to anything; useless animals wandering around helplessly or even headless chickens.

I hope you have learned as little as possible from this article.  I know I technically did!

Fewer Wronger Grammar

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation. They’re important because some people are apparently one misplaced comma away from snapping.

And we, certainly, don’t want anything, like that, to, happen,,,,,

Which is why I’ve put together a short guide to grammar. I like to call it:

Grammar: It’s Not Spelled With an ‘E’ Anymore, or Possibly Ever

There are just a few simple rules to remember when speaking And/Nor typing. (Loophole: you can completely disregard all grammar, spelling, and punctuation rules when typing provided you type in ALL CAPS.)

1.) Their/There/They’re/The Heir

It’s easy to know which one of the above to use in a sentence if you just ask yourself two simple questions:

How many people are you talking about?
Are any of them royalty?

Once you’ve answered those questions, their should be an obvious choice for which word you think you should use. Whatever it is, your first instinct is always going to be wrong so pick one of the others, knowing you’ve increased your odds to a 50-50-50 chance of getting it right.

The same method can be applied to You’re/Yore/Prince Charles/Your.

2.) Who/Whom

This is a tough one. It can be tricky to remember when to use who and when to use whom. That’s why I’ve come up with this little rhyme:

Use ‘Who’ when you’re speaking of an unknown person.

Use ‘Whom’ when you want people to think you’re pompous.

It’s the 21st century. Rhymes don’t have to rhyme anymore.

The End.

You can also print that out and carry it around with you as a reminder. People are always impressed by people who reference pieces of paper before finishing a sentence.

3.) Effect or Affect

This is the Holy Grail of grammar, but I will be honest with you: you have no chance of getting it right. That’s because the meanings change every year.

At the end of the 100 years war, when we defeated the British at the battle of Washington, the British had to sign a treaty declaring that we’d beat the snot out of them. Unfortunately nobody noticed some fine print one sneaky British General added at the bottom of the treaty, saying that “effect” and “affect” had to change meanings based on a system the British got to devise.

So if America were to ever come to its senses, rise up, and just declare that affect and effect are actually the same word, we’d have to sadly go back under British rule. I know that might sound okay during an election year, but then we’d all have to start spelling “colour” with a U.  I don’t know about you, but I for one have hot-glued all the letter U’s in my Scrabble set to all the letter Q’s, so I just can’t do that.

It’s better if we all just learn the simple system for knowing when it’s okay to say effect vs affect. It’s based on the Chinese Zodiak, made famous by restaurant placemats. If the animal of the year is a hoofed-mammal, you should use “effect” every time. If the animal of the year has played a side-kick in a Disney film, you should use “affect” at least half of the time, but no more than three-quarters of the time. If it’s the year of the snake, you shouldn’t even be out talking to people because snakes are gross. If the animal of the year can fly, it’s illegal to use “affect” or “effect”, but you can use “whom” in these instances.

Or you could just always say “result”, if you feel trying to learn all these yearly changes would negatively result you.

If typing an important document and you don’t know which word to use (and your Caps Lock key is broken), use ‘Affect’. Then go through the document and replace all the letter E’s in all the words with letter A’s. Then no one will be able to tell if you used the right word or not. They won’t even be sure if it’s your computer or your brain that’s malfunctioning.

4.) Can vs May

This one is actually really important if you plan on seeing any movies this year.

For example just because Superman CAN bleed doesn’t mean Batman MAY make him.

Or just because Katniss CAN save someone’s life in the first movie doesn’t mean that character MAY survive through the fourth movie so all that sacrificing in all those movies wasn’t all just one big waste of time!

And just because you CAN kill off Harrison Ford from your franchise doesn’t mean you ever, ever, ever should!

I MAY not ever recover.

I cartainly hopa this lasson has baan affactiva for you.

How to Infomercial More

Welcome back to my guide on infomercializationingizing.

For those of you who didn’t read the first half, let me sum up:

It was awesome.

And for those of you who read the first half, but have a terrible memory, here were steps 1-4:

Actually, I’ve forgotten the first step.

Step 2 was some sort of follow-up for the first one.

I’m not even sure I had a step 3.

And then there was something about pickles.

Now you’re caught up, let us continue.

Step 5) Now comes the price. This is a sensitive area for a lot of people. People will be willing to give you their first born child for this product up until you tell them that’s what it’s going to cost. Then they suddenly become very cheap. You have to tell them how much it’s going to cost, but if you do it right, they’ll have no idea how much it’s going to cost.

“You would be blessed to get this amazing product for only $5000. Our employees thank their lucky stars that they only have to pay $4000 for this phenomenal product. People who bought this infatuating product for only $3000 started religions dedicated to us. But if you order right now, you can get this flabbergasting product for only a few payments of $19.95, plus shipping, handling, and bribes.”

$19.95 is a really hard number to multiply by, so as long as you make the number of payments challenging, too, (like 17) no one will know what they’re paying. Not even you, which gives you plausible deniability should anyone ever accuse you of charging too much.

Step 6) Present great reviews of your product. (Don’t worry: you don’t need great reviews of your product in order to do this.)

For those testimonials where people sit in front of the camera and explain how your product saved their marriage and helped them regrow a kidney, you just need another group of actors. Then you make them legally change their last name to “Not an Actor”. That way, as they’re singing the praises that you wrote of your product, you can display their first name and “Not an Actor” on screen and that’s not a lie. It’s just their name. That’s why you never see a testimonial with someone’s full name. It’s never Susan Smith. It’s just Susan or Susan G. (her middle initial), followed by the words “Not an Actor”. Susan is an actor, but one desperate enough to change her legal name to Susan Garfunkle Not an Actor.

Written testimonials are much easier thanks to your friend, the ellipses. All you need for these are a review, and not even a good one.

If you can get someone to say “No one should buy this terrible product!” you can use ellipses to quote:

“Buy this…product!”

Maybe you’re lucky enough to get someone to say, “This product is useless, a horribly designed piece of trash, not to mention the greatest money-waster I’ve ever had presented to me for review.” Enter the ellipses:

“This product is…a…great…present…”

Or at the very least, if someone says, “This is definitely a scam product!” you can quote:

“This is definitely a…product!”

Step 7) Now all that’s left is to tell your viewers they can’t have this product. Emphasize that it’s not sold in stores (even if it is, you can still say this as long as there’s a couple stores in existence that don’t carry your product, like a Mom-and-Pop jerky store in Alaska and the Smithsonian gift shop).

Make sure the viewers know this commercial is going to be over in only another twenty-seven minutes and who knows if it will ever air again (except for 3:30am, 4:00am, 4:30am, 5:00am, and 5:30am), and that twenty-seven minutes probably won’t give them enough time to get hold of one of your operators, who are all overworked fielding calls from all the people buying up all your product, which means you may have already sold-out of them!

Now just sit back and wait for the 17 payments of $19.95 to start rolling in, which, if my calculations are correct, is probably upwards of $37.

Congratulations!