Veronica Brush's Blog, page 13

Puppy Surgery

My puppy is fashion-forward. She’s trying to bring leg-warmers back. Admit it: you want a pair. Or at least one.

Actually my puppy had to have surgery on New Year’s Eve (I think I accidentally rear-ended 2015 and that’s why it hated me so much). It went fine and she’s recovering, by which I mean the vet was happy with how the surgery went, but everyone in the house is now miserable and sleep-deprived. This is how it has been going:

Day 1: Puppy in pain. Makes heart-wrenching cries that make everyone else cry.

Night 1: Everyone rejoices when, at 3am, puppy demonstrates she is still able to pee fine. I never liked that pillow anyway.

Day 2: Despite not letting anyone sleep, puppy is wide awake and starting to walk. More celebrating as she poos for the first time, especially when it happens outside. Consequently our neighbors are starting to give us more odd-looks than normal.

Night 2: Puppy confuses surgery with group-concussions and so won’t let anybody sleep.

Day 3: Puppy is completely cured, at least in her own mind. She wants to run and jump and lick and scratch and can no longer hold still, despite causing herself pain. Have taken to laying on puppy, both to keep her still and to try to get some sleep.

Night 3: Why? Why can’t we sleep, puppy? I’m starting to hallucinate.

Day 4: Confined puppy to crate to keep her still. She is attempting to dig her way out of the crate and to China, where she plans to start a new life of constant running and licking.

Night 4: As I lie awake, I can hear them. The puppy toys are talking to me.

They want revenge.  Especially the now-earless-deer.

Day 5: Have duct-taped puppy to wall to keep her still. It’s not cruel: I duct-taped her food and water dishes to the wall, too.

Night 5: Turns out you don’t need sleep to survive. Have joined Twitter. They have accepted me as one of their own.

Day 6: Puppy and I have come to agreement that for every half-hour she holds still, she can lick one centimeter closer to her wound.

Night 6: Made peace with puppy toys.  They have accepted me as one of their own.

Day 7: Not sure how we are on day 7 three days after her surgery. Can no longer tell night from day. Am living in dog crate so I can have plausible deniability about how much running my dog does, endangering her stitches.

Night 7: I think all this time I have been living in a delusion. I may be my own puppy. Like Life of Pi, only cuter. And less cannibalism. Unless you count arm-licking as cannibalism, in which case, more cannibalism.

The vet said two weeks. I don’t think I’m going to make it. In lieu of flowers, send sleep.

Dates on Drugs, Part 7

For those of you who skipped parts 1-6, I’m not recapping.  So go back and read them all before you start here!

(For those of you who read part 1, there are no parts 2-6.)

And now, the thrilling conclusion to why I seem to attract guys on drugs.

Maybe I should make a survey to take with me on dates. And then when we have the “We need to talk” talk, I can let them down gently, then ask them if they wouldn’t mind taking just a few moments to fill out this survey to better help me in my future dating. I know you think that sounds crazy, but I would make it multiple choice, not short answer/essay. Because I’m considerate.

For Example:

What did you first notice about Veronica?

A.) Her consideratecy

B.) Her sense of humor

C.) Her creativity

D.) Her nose, which is a little large so it would make for easy cocaine-sniffing

 

How would you describe Veronica’s laugh?

A.) Loud

B.) Demure

C.) Contagious

D.) Obviously drug-induced

 

What the heck about Veronica made you think she was into drugs?

A.) She’s a writer. Aren’t they all on absinthe or something?

B.) She wears tie-dye socks

C.) She blows her nose more than average

D.) Nobody can possibly be that straight-laced

 

I think it could be very helpful. Not that I would stop wearing tie-dye socks. But maybe I could get taller shoes that hide them.

I would just like to avoid having the “we need to talk” talk so often. But when a guy says, “Can I get your number?” you can’t respond, “Will you pee in this cup first?” Actually, I know a woman who could respond that way. And she’s married now. This is why dating confuses me.

I’ve also considered carrying around a pamphlet that I could hand out to guys who ask me out. Something like: “Is Dating Veronica Right For Me?” It would be informative (ie: “While dating Veronica, you will experience an increase in the amount of Mexican food you eat.”) and include all those pesky deal breakers (the 4 D’s: drugs, disrespect, and dislikes dogs). I think it could be a real time saver:

“Veronica, I was wondering if you’d like to maybe go grab a cup of coffee sometime?”

“Wow, I’m flattered. But before I answer, take a few moments and familiarize yourself with this info and then see if you’re still interested.”

“Oh, I see here that drugs are a deal breaker. Does that include bongs?”

“I’m afraid it does.”

“Alright, well thank you very much for your time.”

“Thank you, and good luck with your future endeavors.”

Bam!  Just saved myself $5 on coffee. Can you imagine how efficient that would make things? Yes, it’s a little business-transactiony, but still efficient. Okay, so maybe we abandon the pamphlet idea and just go right to everyone wearing shirts with a list of their major likes and dislikes on them. Can you imagine?

“Hey, I think that guy over there is checking you out.”

“I think he’s just noticing that I’m really into krav maga.”

Crazy? Absolutely. But I’d have that clearly printed on my shirt, too.