Richard Langridge's Blog, page 3

UPDATE: *FREE* Kindle Version Now Live! (for 48hrs)

Hello again, gorgeous internet peeps!

As stated previously, in thanks to the great response D & F has received thus far, over the course of this weekend I will be making the Kindle version of Dan and Frankie Save the World free to download.

Well, I’m pleased to tell you that the free period has now begun!

Hurrah!

*performs scandalous and highly inappropriate Kevin Bacon dance moves*

Ahem.

So–what are you waiting for? Go grab yourselves a copy now!

And remember: stay classy!

-Rich

To Say Thank You…

As a thank you for the great response Dan and Frankie has received thus far, this coming weekend (Feb 6th) I will be making the digital version available for the highly agreeable price of… nothing! That’s right, people. FREE. Not a single penny. Aren’t I swell?

So yeah, pick up a copy! Rub it on yourself. Make the cat watch. You know he wants to. Or, you know, just read it. Or whatever. Shut up. Weirdo.

And remember: stay classy!

-Rich.

 

 

 

 

 

Giveaway Now Over!

Okay, folks, the giveaway for Dan and Frankie Save the World is now over! Thanks to all who entered, and a big congratulations to the winners! Your copies will be shipped shortly.

For those of you who didn’t win, hey, there’s always next time! But in consolation, here are 10 Richard Coupons to be used at your discretion. I know. I’m kind. You’re welcome. Spend them wisely, kids.

Stay classy,

-Rich.

 

(Please note, Richard Coupons are not in fact currency and cannot be redeemed in any store, anywhere, at any time).

 

Dan and Frankie Save the World Now Out!

It’s here! It’s here!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce my debut novel, Dan and Frankie Save the World, is now available for purchase!

Are you fabulous? Are you beautiful and/or have a large penis?

Then Dan and Frankie is for you!

Pick up a copy on Kindle or paperback and increase your awesome today!

-Rich.

5 Things to Consider When Writing Your Masterpiece

Writing a book is hard. Pretty much anyone who’s ever tried can attest to that. You spend ages coming up with a plot, an angle, characters, and then you have to make them all fit together like a puzzle, only the pictures don’t match and the shapes are all chewed up and the wrong size.

It’s complicated.

Then on top of all that there are all these other things to consider, things you might not have realized were actually even things. It’s no wonder life as a writer can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Below is a list of things I wish I knew back when I first started out.

Have a read—it might just spare you some headaches later on down the road.

Time Scale

Be prepared for your book to take a lot longer you initially anticipate. A lot of new authors hold the misconception that you finish the first draft and then… that’s it. Voila! Job done. Now where’s that champagne?

If only.

It’s an easy mistake to make if you’re new to the game, but a potentially fatal one. During the year it took me to write Dan and Frankie Save the World, only about the first three months were dedicated to completing the first draft. The rest were, the second, third—all the way up to the seventh—drafts. And then there’s the beta reading, editing, proof-reading etc. It’s endless.

If you’re writing to a deadline, you’ll want to plan out as much of what you intend to do and when beforehand. And if you aren’t, it’s still something worth keeping in mind.

Criticism

People will hate your book.

No, they will. Trust me. Even if you were to go out and write the best darn book anybody’s ever written, there would still be somebody out there that hates it. You simply can’t please everybody.

And it will sting. Bad. Like that UTI you got that one time. Remember that? Yeah. Like that.

For new authors it can be demoralizing to have somebody you’ve never met verbally beat your baby to death. Maybe a beta reader, or workshop partner. But here’s where a little perspective is key—if Stephen King, who has often times been heralded as the Charles Dickens of our generation, can’t escape criticism, why should you?

Embrace the criticism. Learn to accept it for what it is.

Even if it does occasionally feel like you’re pissing razorblades…

Why?

Why are you writing this book? Who is it for? Are you writing it simply as a means to get rich and famous, because you read somewhere online that authors get paid ludicrous amounts of money to spit words onto paper?

Whilst it’s true that there are authors out there absolutely rolling in it, that’s hardly the status quo. Most authors will never see a six-figure salary—or even a five-figure, for that matter. And that’s okay. It shouldn’t all be about the money.

But writing a book requires a lot of investment in time and mental energy. You have to write it for the right reasons, otherwise you’ll quickly become disheartened and give up. And whenever a book dies before it has a chance to be born, that’s tragic.

Be practical.

And be honest. 

There Will Be Blood…

Nobody has ever written a book and thought “Wow, that was easy!” That shit’s tough. Labour, tough. Like squeezing a bowling ball through your hoo-ha. Okay, maybe not that tough. Sorry, ladies—but it’s still hard.

A lot of times you’ll sit down before the computer and it will be just the absolute last thing in the world you’ll want to do. You’ll rather crawl across hot coals in nothing but your birthday suit than write. And that’s fine. We’re still human, and sometimes other things take precedent. Totally normal.

—KEEP WRITING—

Even if you don’t feel like it, and yeah but the X-factor’s on and oh I should really take the goldfish for a walk now and hey look is that a kitty?

Stop. You can always go back and revise a day’s sloppy writing. You can’t, however, revise a blank page.

Set a goal—a thousand words a day, for example—and stick to it.

Rinse and repeat.

That’s how books are written.

Enjoy Yourself

Look, you’re human. You have down days. Maybe the plot is just not working for you today, or your characters all seem like pretentious, whiny assholes. It’s normal to at some point or another feel like you should just give up and go get a ‘normal’ job. Whatever that means.

But writing’s supposed to be fun—and it should be. You have the greatest job in the world. You’re God. You get to make wonderful things happen and/or kill whomever you like at will, with no repercussions whatsoever. What other job grants you that kind of power, hmm? Right. Exactly.

So remember—it’s okay to bleed for your craft.

Just so long as you remember to have fun, too.

 

—Rich.

ATTENTION: Giveaway Incoming!

That’s right, people. From now until launch day (February 2nd) I will be giving away 5 signed, first-edition copies of Dan and Frankie Save the World.

For you chance to win, simply click on the link below!

*Please note, I will be doing inappropriate things to ALL copies before shipping them out to the winners. So there’s some extra incentive for you.*

Good luck, and stay classy!

-Rich

 

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/169285-dan-and-frankie-save-the-world

 

5 Ways to Make Your Characters Not Suck

 

Make Him/Her Flawed

Nobody’s perfect. I’m not. You’re not. Like it or not, we all have our little vices and imperfections.

And so it is with your protagonist. A protagonist who has no flaws whatsoever is not a protagonist, but merely a cardboard cutout of one—and a poor one, at that. Like a waxwork model at Madame Tussauds; yeah, he or she may look like the real thing, but they’re not. So quit groping them already. Perv…

Make your protagonist believable. Give her something to work through aside from the obvious external element of the story.

Let us see her grow.

Give Him/Her Something to Fight For

It’s hard to really empathize with a character without knowing what he or she has at stake. Without stakes, there’s no story. Simple as that.

Give your protagonist something to lose. It doesn’t have to be huge. It could be something as simple as the respect of a friend, or an object of intense personal value—but whatever it is, it has to mean something to your protagonist.

Make sure your readers know what cards are on the table.

Only then will they care.

Humanize Him/Her

Just like in the real world, fictional people have their little habits, too. A good way to add believability to your protagonist is by imbuing him or her with a tic. Maybe your heroine sucks her thumb when she’s nervous or intimidated; maybe your hero can’t stop picking his nose. Point this out. Maybe even make it into a running joke.

Make them human.

And remember, whatever tic you decide to give them, it has to make sense within the context of the story. What a character chooses to keep near them can tell us a lot about who they are. For example, a recovering alcoholic may keep a bottle of gin around the house as a reminder. Or a devout church-goer may grip the cross around their neck in moments of strife or turmoil.

Show us them holding it.

Save the Cat

Even a character who’s a dick can’t be a dick all the time. Not even the central antagonist. In fact, as a means to fully round-off your antagonist, it’s important to give him or her at least one redeeming quality. To truly hate someone, you have to care about them at least a little bit. Take The Governor from ABC’s The Walking Dead. Yes, he was a mean, psychopathic sadist with a penchant for mass murder. But he was also a devout family man—which made it all the more impactful when he started slaughtering people by the dozens.

The same is true for protagonists. Even if your protagonist is a bit of an asshole—and they might be—they still need to have some sort of redeeming quality in order for us to get onside with them. Blake Snyder called this a ‘saving the cat’ moment, and goddamn if he wasn’t onto something.

So remember: it’s okay to be an asshole.

Just don’t hurt the fucking cat.

Give Him or Her a Challenge

As with giving your protagonist something significant to fight for, it’s equally important you give him or her something significant to fight against. Overcoming a sprained ankle isn’t much of a hurdle—unless it’s the eleventh hour at the Olympic finals and your protagonist is a hurdler, that is, in which case, yeah, it probably is. But you get my point.

Make sure the odds are well and truly stacked against your protagonist.

Then let us marvel at their courage as they rise to the challenge anyway.

-Rich.

5 Tried and Tested Ways to Overcome Writer’s Block

You’ve tried writing. You’ve tried not writing. You’ve tried drinking that potion you got from the homeless guy down on the corner, who may- or may-not be some kind of unlikely street-wizard (and if he isn’t, you should definitely stop letting him live in your basement. Just saying). And yet, despite your best efforts, the words still refuse to come.

Welcome to THE BLOCK.

Suffered by many, understood by few, THE BLOCK is a foul, evil thing that some say was born straight out of Satan’s gaping, fiery butthole. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are DE—

*checks notes*

Oh no, wait, that’s the Terminator. My bad.

Now, you might think that only writers with some sort of mental impairment get THE BLOCK, but the truth is that all writers suffer it to some degree or another. You could say it’s all part and parcel of the process—the yelling, the weeping fits, the occasional punching of the neighbour’s dog and/or son.

Whatever the reason, you’re probably wondering what you can do about it, whether or not you’re stuck with this impediment for the rest of your literary life. You’re probably frightened. Maybe you’ve even peed a little—and that’s okay. It’s a defense mechanism.

But fear not, o’ weary traveler.

Uncle Dick’s got you covered…

 

5 Tried and Tested Ways To Overcome THE BLOCK:  

WRITE SOMETHING

‘But that’s the problem, Uncle Dick!’ you cry. ‘I can’t!’

Well, actually—you can. Assuming you still have the ability to type and scrawl, you can write just fine. It isn’t your inability to write that’s the problem. The problem, rather, is that nothing you write seems any good. It’s all just smeared cat doo-doo up the wall. So you stop. You give up. You put on some of your wife’s lingerie and begin repeatedly flogging yourself in the mirror with a fish stolen from the neighbour’s backyard. Or whatever.

But here’s the trick—just write. Don’t even think about it. Pick the flimsiest, crappiest start off point and just run with it. So what it won’t go anywhere? So what it’ll be a terrible, stillborn monster? Just run with it, and keep running, even if it’s dumb and doesn’t make sense and kinda tickles but in a nice way and MMM DON’T STOP. Just keep running. Forrest Gump that shit, yo.

And in the end, even if you throw the damn thing away (which you most likely will)—HOLY SHITBALLS, SON!—you wrote something. And hey, you never know—maybe it will have worked loose some of that crap that’s been clogging up your head-meat.

IMAGINATION IRRIGATION, baby.

(Don’t bother, already coined it).

EXERCISE

I know, I know, we all hate it. Exercising is the pits. It’s like sex, only without the sex part and all of the usual sweating/panting/punching/hysterical weeping.

But did you know that there are actually other benefits from a little mild exercise than just the obvious ones? Apart from improving bodily functions and overall health, exercising also increases the amount of oxygen that gets sent to the brain, thus helping you think.

So… yeah.

THE MORE YOU KNOW.

TAKE A FUCKING BREAK

Yes, I’m serious. It may seem counterproductive, but by taking a break what you’re actually doing is allowing your brain time to recharge. Part of the problem is likely you trying to ‘force’ the magic to happen, and I’m sorry to say it just doesn’t work that way. This isn’t labor. It’s not a case of push till the fucker comes. Step off the gas a moment. Chill.

Whilst it’s true that good ideas often ‘hit us like a bolt of lightning’, inspiration sometimes needs to be seduced, too. Buy it drinks. Tell it how pretty you think it is. Maybe slip a little something into its drink—whatever.

I’m just saying, you need to cultivate that shit a little if want to get your mojo back.

Be patient, and it will come.

DO SOME SHIT

No, I don’t mean take a shit (although if you think that’ll help, be my guest). What I mean is—do some other shit, shit other than the same old shit you’re always doing. You need to shake things up a bit. Go to a movie. Read a book. Take a walk. Stand on the balcony of your apartment and shower passersby with your own fecal matter, if you like.

The body and mind are linked. If you allow the body to stagnate, the mind will too.

SACRIFICE A LOVED ONE

Okay, so this one is sort of a last resort. Sacrifices can be a messy business, so only use this if all the other methods prove fruitless.

Now, first off, I’m not talking about your wife or son or mother or anybody like that. I mean, we’re not animals. Come on. No, I’m talking more an uncle you don’t like, or a second cousin. Someone like that. Someone extraneous.

It’s probably worth mentioning I have no idea if this will actually work. There’s every possibility all you’d be doing is murdering someone for no good reason. Which would be bad. Of course, on the other hand, if it does work, you’ll be killing two birds with one stone. Which would be good…

(Please note: no dogs were harmed in the making of this blog post. Except for one, which was shaved and made to walk provocatively before a group of other, larger dogs as penance for an earlier indiscretion. Oh, and like, don’t kill people and stuff. Or whatever).

-Rich.

Dan and Frankie Save the World, Now Available for Pre-Order!

CLICK HERE TO PRE-ORDER YOUR COPY NOW!

So I wrote a book!

That’s right, folks. After much dilly-dallying, the first book in the Dan and Frankie series, DAN AND FRANKIE SAVE THE WORLD, is now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Now, this is the part where I’m supposed to tell you how inspirational and life-changing this book is, and how you should buy like, a GAZILLION copies or whatever and spread the word. And you should. Not because it’ll change your life. Because I need to get paid. Seriously. It’s bad right now. I ate out of a dumpster last night. Like a whole half-eaten McChicken Burger, just straight out of the trash. And I’m pretty sure a homeless guy had already had sex with it. Or do McChicken Burgers always taste like that? I forget.

So yeah. Buy my book! FEED ME. If it makes you feel any better, you can think of it as charity. We’ll call it the Richard Relief Fund. And I promise I won’t spend it all on midgets and crack.

Not ALL of it, anyway…

-Rich.

CLICK THE IMAGE TO ORDER YOUR COPY NOW!

Official release date: February 2nd, 2016.