Sonia Killik's Blog, page 2

Stairway to Heaven

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I Want To Love You

I want to love you.
Feel my body unfold like lace dragged over skin.
Allow my heart to awaken through the spider web of scars.

But will it last?

Should we not rather ignore the softness of lace, and seek instead the quick and sleek hardness of latex?

We can stop before the full awakening takes place, stay cocooned in sweat and desire. Swim in a different kind of awakening. One where we know the time will end, before the pain and disappointments… and latex starts to strangle.

It is a sweet thing, to touch another’s soul but briefly, to hold forever the memory of touch and laughter. To encase their essence in your own, to learn and grow just a little more from the melding.

But what if we go further? 

What if we peel away our skin and expose the bottomless maelstrom that is within us both? What if we forget the past that taught us how to guard, the pain that made us foolishly believe that love is anything but glorious.

What if we breathe into each other the totality of our selves? But this time we do it in the anticipation of wonder, and not fear.

I have danced with desire – it has offered its fulfilment. But it is a surface reprieve, and in that temporary relief I have managed to quiet the yearning. The joys of latex-loving and all it brings can be addictive, as well as self-delusional. 

It offers a glimpse of true feeling – inflamed emotions and delicious excitement. But we are more than brief moments of ecstasy – we are barely contained vessels of immensity, seeking to reveal and expand. 

We are visions of purity, fathomless depths; joy that hurts to feel and pain that keeps us breathing. We are constantly transforming what it is to be human, how we can share that expression of energy.

The restriction of solitary desire has tired me; bindings I once found attractive are now simply chains. Heavy with repetition and small-mindedness. I am seeking to bring it out of the comfort of my dreams; where my skin can feel its caress, my heart must beat and my mind cannot escape.

Because this is my fear: that if I leave the safety and joys of beginnings, the middle won’t taste as sweet. That when our dance comes to an end my dreams will be drained of colour. It frightens me.

But what frightens me more is to stay forever in the dream.

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How Many Rules have you put on your Self-Worth?

None of us are totally bereft of self worth, we may acknowledge ourselves worthy in our artistic talent, our negotiation skills, a subject we excelled at, or a sport we thoroughly enjoy. 

Where we lack true worth, are the areas within ourselves that we feel we have to pay for in some way, before we can allow ourselves care, dignity and respect. Or in other words, the good treatment we have to earn before receiving. There is a deeply seated primal belief that yes, we are worthy of love and success… if... we prove our right to it (blame religion for that embedded nugget of self-sabotage).

The currency used to pay for self-worth will differ from person to person; some will sacrifice their well-being, others their truth, their pride, happiness, dignity, time or money. 

Most of us aren’t aware of this silent narrator controlling our behaviours and choices. We aren’t conscious of the ways in which we continuously earn our worth, whether that be acts of service to others, or unconsciously punishing ourselves. 

If we base our worth on a “only when / if” rule, then when the conditions of that rule aren’t met (and 90% of the time they won’t be), our confidence and peace quickly deflates like a 10-day-old balloon. 

Let me illustrate these unconscious rules by sharing with you my own personal version of “when / if”. 

I am worthy! Hell yes I am! Because… look at how much I accomplish! I have an impressive trophy wall and all those shiny medals prove that I have worth! My self worth is based on accomplishment. 

I’ve written on this subject before, and I know my equation is familiar to a lot of you reading this article, after all, our society has determined that the measure of an individual is based on a lengthy CV. 

Now, quick side step; human beings are social animals and cannot survive doing the solo gig. Evolution has required us all to contribute towards the survival of our species by hunting, protecting, and procreating. Every cellular mechanism within the human being is designed to push our species forward into the next generation through collaboration and good old fashioned hunting and killing skills. 

Anthropologists will argue that it is natural that we feel good when we ‘contribute’ and feel useless when we don’t. Evolution has required it of us. I agree wholeheartedly – you should feel embarrassed if you are able to provide for yourself and your family but choose not to. 

But humans have evolved, significantly, and the basis of our contribution is no longer bringing home meat for the tribe, or telling stories to keep the collective memory alive. Our contribution has broadened to include designing ever-increasingly strange fashion, recording one’s self doing dumb shit for entertainment, and playing video games for profit. Hardly survival necessities. 

It’s no wonder we have a population desperately seeking therapy, meaning, self-help books or Susan. Biologically, we are not feeding our self-worth with the fuel it needs. 

There are many reasons why our self worth is so wounded, they range from childhood trauma to religious, cultural and gender damage. Throw in our biological compulsion to contribute towards the tribe (which most are unable to do), and we are left with very confused and unhappy little organisms. 

Side step over. 

So we have two drivers behind our self worth; the first being a biological compulsion of which we constantly measure ourselves against, and the second is a twisted mess of relationship, cultural, economic and subjective experiences that effect our mental and emotional health. 

No wonder we created rules to try to govern this mess. Rules like…

If I am thin, muscular or pretty… I will be worthy of being loved.If I have a degree behind my name… I will be respected.If I am always accommodating and sweet… I will be liked and accepted.

The thing is, you have worth simply because you exist. With that birthright comes a prepackaged worthiness kit that includes respect, dignity, care and safety. And yet even these bare minimum expressions of worth are an unattainable goal for most. Most feel unworthy of receiving care, asking for help, saying no, or maintaining boundaries. 

The very concept and understanding of worth must be re-examined by the individual, and fostered by society. 

Ideals of success, achievement in the sciences, arts, business or sports, are not constructs of self-worth, but should rather be recategorised into pride, motivation, and creative expression. Similarly an attractive form should most definitely be under the ‘mating’ category, and certainly not self-worth (sorry Instagram models). 

So, where does this leave you? 

With an invitation to look at how you have attributed worth to yourself, how you have paid for it, and what the truth of worth really means. 

I’ll get you started with a few questions that will have the most impact if you can be beautifully and courageously honest with yourself (the good news is no one is listening to the voices in your head but you, so you have the freedom to try total self-honesty). 

Are you afraid to be hurt, or to hurt others, if you say no?Do you think exhaustion is a ticket to allowing yourself a moment of rest or peace?Has procrastination left you feeling there is no hope for change and you don’t have what it takes to feel fulfilled?Are you constantly at the mercy of outside events that leaves you feeling either happy or sad?

Self-worth is not given to you, it is not granted, allowed or dependent on circumstances. Self-worth is what you are born with. If it is feeling a little (or a lot) depleted, your inner reservoir is not going to be filled with other people’s buckets, nor is it going to magically appear one day because your partner, boss, colleague or social media has decided it is time for you to feel worthy.

You ARE worthy… the only thing to be decided, by you, is if you want to squander your birthright, or give it away.

 

 

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Is Crisis Giving You Purpose?

I have long pondered the difference between radical zealots, versus the ordinary citizen who is content watching YouTube videos and complaining about their neighbour. 

To me the defining difference is obvious: purpose. 

Our energy, creative power, focus and passion are all contained within the structure of purpose, it provides a road that our energies can navigate and manifest through. When our purpose is unclear, sporadic, spread thin and undefined, so too is our focus. 

Enter the zealots; these people care not for coffee with friends, health goals, relationship drama or status through social validation. Their purpose is clear and singular – destroy or convert any and all who disagree with their beliefs (often confused as two separate missions). 

The average citizen however, is spread rather thin. They may give thought to their overall life path, and put some energy into achieving short term goals such as developing their 6-pack or getting a promotion, but these are fleeting, lack urgency, and are prone to change and fade over time.

Most humans cannot provide their own purpose and rely heavily on external instruction. In the case of radicals they have the benefit of god or extreme right-wing ideologies to guide their focus. With the average citizen however, they have social and material pressure, a dollop of religion they dip and out of, family responsibilities and Netflix to provide their somewhat watery path. 

And then… one rather strange and disbelievingly bizarre occurrence happened back in the year AD 2020. The entire globe was gifted with a common and singular purpose in the form of Covid 19.

Hallelujah! A purpose we didn’t have to think up ourselves and one we can all get behind! Not only was this new purpose gift wrapped for us, but it had all the benefits of a Hollywood movie as well! 

Crisis! Drama! Life or death! Tigers and bears oh my! 

How easy it suddenly became to narrow our focus, readjust values and priorities, simplify our lives, reduce the noise and cut out the crap. 

Now I am not discounting the grumblings, conspiracy theories, challenges, economic pressure or any other symptoms of the time, I am merely bringing your attention to… laziness. 

We are lazy with our time.
We are lazy with our talents. 
We are lazy with our drive, dreams, goals, motivators and experiences.
We are lazy with our life. 

We wait for external pressure to provide meaning and direction and drift alongside it until the next shiny object is waved before us (otherwise known as pain avoidance). 

Radicals don’t have this problem. Their passion won’t allow them too. Which makes them so damn dangerous of course. 

We have witnessed the incredible power that Covid 19 gave the planet. We have seen families, communities, businesses, countries, hell… the entire human race put race itself aside and all got down to the business of change. 

We didn’t have much choice in our collective requirements to join the cause of course, because as I’ve just said, that purpose was demanded of us. 

Now… here’s the crunch. 

What would it take to give yourself your own unwavering, and above all, urgent purpose? What would you be capable of if your purpose was singular, focused and unchanging? What could you achieve and experience? 

Time is indeed relative, a day can last a lifetime and a year disappear in a haze of confused memories. I know that it requires effort to remain committed to your purpose, your goals, and your dreams.

I know that not only does this effort require you to battle the outside challenges stacked against you, you must also battle the voice inside that encourages you to do it tomorrow or questions your desire to even manifest your dreams at all.

I suppose that is the defining factor between purpose and laziness… effort.

I ask you to ponder how much of that magical substance you have within you and then ask yourself if you are making the best use of it. If you are reading this post, and have reached this paragraph, I know that you have bucket loads of effort that can be tapped into.

So… fuck external purpose, fuck outside challenges. Make your effort align with what lights you up and stick to it! Through the doubt, the tiredness, the distractions… stick to it. Provide yourself with your own urgency and honour the finite fragility of your time.

2021 baby – let’s do it!

 

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How to Connect More Authentically with Your Emotions and Others

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YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT – AND YOU LEAD WHO YOU ARE

A rather wonderful ability of human beings is our ability to find the positive and celebrate crisis with memes and good humour. We are resilient little mammals that keeps us bravely (and sometimes ignorantly) marching through the challenges of our times. 

Up yours The Great Depression we will invent new industries!

Screw you Covid-19 we will continue commerce dressed in pajama’s and connecting virtually!

But we must couple our optimism with conscious learning. While we continue to laugh off face-mask fashion and presidential faux pas that trumps the mediocrity of our news, we should also be turning our attention to growth.

And by growth I mean extreme, profound and necessary, individual and collective growth.

The kind of growth that has seen us leave out-dated relationships, rethink our priorities, adjust our consumerism, and above all, realign wellbeing with productivity.

Businesses have had to rapidly adjust not only their models, but their leadership styles and team management. People around the world are awakening once again to their own humanity and the richly complex needs that we all have above and beyond ticking off to-do lists. 

What I find most positive about this shift is how it is effecting the biggest piece of our life pie-chart: our work.

Despite the return to more humane practices and outlooks, we seem to be strangely ill-equipped to navigate all this emotional vulnerability and authentic communication. While many individuals and organisations are aware of the importance of incorporating these new experiences and ways of operating into their blueprint, the question remains – how?

There are 4 parts of the human brain that when activated and nurtured, provide the cornerstone to wellbeing. But guess what – wellbeing is a skill and one that needs to be learned and practiced in order to be effective. Luckily 2020 opened the door for this practice to be included in both our personal and professional lives.

Now more than ever, leaders need to upskill not only their team cohesion, communication and effectiveness, but their own wellbeing as well. As a leader, you will only ever be able to identify, nurture and grow the best from your staff and business if you, yourself, are personally able to demonstrate balance, optimism, empathy and resilience.

These 4 solutions to creating a happy, resilient, healthy and powerful state are:

Outlook – The ability to see the positive in others, to savour positive experiences, to see others as a human being who has innate basic goodness, and to seek opportunity within challenges.Resilience – The rapidity with which you recover from adversity and learn from, rather than become defeated by, set-backs and disappointments.Attention – Being present and fully engaged in the moment and to what it is that you are working towards in your immediate environment, rather than constantly worrying about either the future or the past.Generosity – Engaging in practices that cultivate kindness and compassion, the sharing of your energy, time, and knowledge, and applying generosity to your own wellbeing in the form of gratitude.

These states-of-being require a shift in our habits, our mind sets, and sometimes even our beliefs. Because of our brain’s neuroplasticity, we can cultivate these types of thought patterns by exercising the circuits of our brain. And once activated, these new practices will spread their influence into all areas of our lives, creating a true state of prosperity, happiness, purpose and focus (otherwise known as wellbeing).

But like any new exercise regime, it sometimes helps to have a personal trainer on your side who can guide the process, challenge stagnant beliefs, and gently nudge you out of comfort zones that have prevented you from true, authentic expression and the realisation of all that you are capable of.

Leaders, individuals and teams are being called to meet our new environment, and for the first time in modern history, we are looking at a positive change that elevates, acknowledges, empowers and celebrates the human being.

Will you grab this once in a lifetime opportunity to become a leader of the future?Will you focus on your own wellbeing, and thereby positively impact the lives of your staff?Are you excited about where this new mind set will take us?

I know I am

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Making Peace With 2020: Emerging From Fear

Wow it has been a looooooong time since I have put pen to paper. Like you, I entered lockdown with a list of things I would accomplish that ordinarily I didn’t have time for. Things like learn a new song on the piano, paint, cook, begin writing my new book… hell, even ‘get more sleep’ made it onto my list.

Sigh. The truth is I was busier than ever. I think the only thing I managed during juggling home schooling and work was to increase my daughter’s vocabulary with words she is definitely too young to use (nevertheless, still an accomplishment).

It was an emotional rollercoaster that had me fluctuating between extreme peace and gratitude (gained from the opportunity to re-examine the meaning of life), to really unexpected lows where I came face-to-face with fears and insecurities I had thought long healed. 

Yup… like you, I got to experience the full gamut of human emotion which conveniently came packaged within the confines of my 4 walls (screams silently while banging head against wall).

Fun times.

Which brings me onto the reason for this article. 

Let me explain that sentence a little more:

Last week I was one of the panelists on the Collaborative Exchange where we spoke about the possibility that Covid-19 was the biggest human growth tracetory of our time[image error] watch the video. 

Allow me both the honesty and vulnerability to say what I think many people have felt, but perhaps haven’t acknowledged or admitted to: 2020 bitch slapped us,a klap I think was a long time in coming. 

We needed to be reminded of our humanity, of our need for connection, of our imperfections, and above all, that certainty is an illusion and creativity is our greatest strength.

We needed to reassess our priorities and values.We needed to re-learn the skill of vulnerability by sharing our fear and offering support.We needed to vividly experience how interconnected every race, gender, culture, and nationality truly is.We needed to see that consumerism will not keep your heart warm or create self-worth.We needed to experience the joy of generosity in sharing our skills and knowledge freely with people all over the world, and in doing so, begin to heal the fear of scarcity.

Do I believe 2020 has offered unparalled opportunity for personal and collective growth? Absolutely. But only if you consciously integrate the learning and experiences.

Is it easy? No…

It’s not easy to have your identity stripped away if it was based on material accomplishment. It’s not easy to admit to fear when you have maintained a facade of perfection for many years. It’s not easy to learn to ask for help when you prided yourself on your independence. It’s not easy to move from prideful ego to humble acceptance.

It is a journey into self that allows you to emerge free from false beliefs, empty relationships and weak boundaries. The only true barrier to making the most of what 2020 offers – is fear (which just happens to be one of my favourite topics to teach).

If this is resonating with you, and you feel that it is time to fully step into the next chapter of your life, face lingering fears, and emerge as your authentic and beautiful self, I would love you to join me next week on the Xtraordinary Women platform (men welcome) where I will be taking you through the mechanisms and physiology of fear – and what to do with it.

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The Death of Industrialised Humans ?

It’s no stretch of the imagination to see how all human creation is a reflection of our psyche. From industry to geography, we have carved our mental and emotional shadow into the construction of our world.

All human invention is a road map of our evolution of consciousness. As we individually and collectively expand in awareness, so too does the purpose and form of our creations. 

Corporate business is one such creation that was birthed during a time when we valued capital gain over personal well-being, dominance over compromise, patriarchal structures over diversity. This monolith of the 20th century is now struggling through growth pains as it tries to hold on to its founding princples of stubborness, exclusivity, might-equals-right, and power-hungry mentality.

But human consciousness has moved on…granted…not all 8 billion contributing members have boarded the train, but enough have to achieve a tipping point.

Yes siree (please use one of the available 46 gender definitions in place of ‘sir’ if you find that saying offensive), times they are a changing.

We are in an energy vortex at the moment; a dynamic, helter-skelter, frenetic mental and emotional earthquake that is unearthing a lot of stuff. And by ‘stuff’ I mean all the buried darkness that the human being has accumulated over the past 200 000 years. 

Darkness such as racism, sexism, fundamentalism, totalatarism, radicalism, consumerism, capitalism… cannibalism and necrophilism (who saw those two coming? ) 

Rather a nice piece of poetic justice that a schism is destroying all those ‘ism’s’. 

Because we are experiencing a schism, a gigantic disharmony between the majesty of what we can be and seem to be moving towards, and our old creations that have no more place in the new world. An earthquake of consciousness that has forced us to begin the process of transformation.

We have known for a long time that we are stronger and more effective when we work together. But before, we defined ‘together’ as ‘same’…. same nation, culture, race, gender or religion. 

I hope this earthquake continues for a while to come. I hope we continue to shake up our mindsets, our beliefs, and our habits. I hope that we truly leave the industrial revolution behind us, a time where enormous progress was made, but which also represented the seperatism that our pysche of the time revered.

I hope that when the dust settles we will no longer see each other and our world through eyes indoctrinated by mechanical wealth creation, but rather with empathy and joy. Because the human being is majestic. We are capable of profoundly humbling acts of love, and it is this value above all else that I hope becomes the foundation for our future creations. 

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Are You Practicing Resilience or Resistance?

Victimhood. Don’t deny it now, there have been times in your life when you were unapologetically, completely justifiably, a suffering victim.

I am not speaking about being a true victim of crime or economic disasters, but rather when some nefarious person or circumstance conspires to make your life difficult or painful in some way. A situation where you were so perfectly innocent, the angels themselves came to bow at your feet.

The thing is, when you divulge in all the emotions that come with being a victim, emotions like righteousness, revenge and fear, you are literally signing away your capacity to live an enjoyable life. 

Responsibility = Power. Spiderman’s uncle got that equation back to front. It is through accepting and owning your own reactions and emotions (responsibility) that you become powerful.

 Life is not only going to throw lemons, but the whole damn lemon plantation at you. There will be betrayal, loss, fear, misunderstandings and embarrassment. You will experience pretty much everything that the oxford dictionary describes. You can either resist these experiences, or become resilient to them.

Building your emotional and mental resilience is not about becoming immune to your emotions, but rather it is moving through your challenges quickly with grace, humility and creativity. It is understanding that all circumstances or relationships (and I do mean all) are determined by your reaction towards them. It is about giving yourself the gift of authentically feeling what you feel, without the need to pass those emotions onto others (unless they are feelings of love in which case, share as much as possible.)

It is understanding that while you may not have the power to change those same circumstances or relationships, you do have the choice about how you want to engage with them and how they will shape you. You can remain in victimhood where you feel powerless and resentful, or you can take ownership of how it makes you think and feel. And then do something about it.

That ‘doing’ is pretty simple actually; process your emotions before responding, detach from the drama and instead seek to be the observer. Whatever challenge you are currently going through will only have as much power to influence your life as you allow it to.

Here’s an interesting little scientific fact you may not have known: your heart sends more neuro signals to your brain than your brain sends to the heart. What this means is that your mindset, your health, your physical operating system, let’s just summarise and say your whole being, is controlled by your heart.

Happy, peaceful and calm heart = healthy, calm, creative mind and body with higher cognitive functioning.Angry, anxiety-ridden and tumultuous heart = disease, sleeplessness, high-stress and over reactive states.

You, and only you, have the power (and responsibility) to decide how you want to live. Do you want to live in a constant state of blame that will only result in your own ill-health? Or do you want to spend your time on earth in a state of creative power?

As always, love is the answer.

Practice it with yourself.

Practice forgiveness.

Pour love into your own heart and those of others.

You will be richly rewarded.

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How Your Brain Stops You From Changing

Change is the ultimate paradox of the human experience; we are constantly changing through the aging process, our experiences and our environment, and yet the vehicle in which we operate pretty much hates change of all kind.

You know what I’m speaking about…you want to start a goal (or finish a project you began 12 years ago), carry out an exercise program, change a relationship, study something, or even choose to eat an apple over a cookie. And the moment you find the resolution within yourself to do it… you don’t. (Que: self-loathing, remorse, guilt, pressure, netflix and chocolate.)

You are not entirely to blame for this phenomena because you possess the worlds most advanced thinking machine. Which sadly has one tinsy-tiny character flaw⁠—it is lazy AF.

Our brains are hard-wired to conserve energy which means that they love habits and detest change. Change requires them to wake up from sleep mode and start working. Whereas if you keep doing the same thing over and over (and over) again they can happily stay on autopilot and carry on indulging in memories and future plans where all your enemies have been vanquished, and you have taken your rightful place as ruler of the universe.

Getting out of paralysis and staying commited to your convictions requires the conscious (and mature) you to recognise this physiological trait. When you can disassociate your self from your physical brain, you have a lot more power to override it’s functions as you will no longer be emotionally invested in all the excuses it vomits out.

Think about that: wouldn’t you feel better about yourself knowing that your success is determined by working around a lazy computer, rather than identifying your self-worth, talents and capabilities with said data-capturer? You can retrain your brain to stop avoiding change with a bit of daily effort until it becomes habitial and your new ‘sleep mode’. More on that here.

As if the lethargy of your character-flawed super computer wasn’t enough to contend with, your brain likes to torture you with an emotional onsluaght to make sure you don’t initiate any change. It does this by deep-diving into all your wounded memories and throwing every negative emotion it can find at you. Gym? Hell no! Someone never passed you the ball in 3rd grade and you have reeeeeeeeally low self-esteem around exercise….remember? Nudge nudge wink wink let’s rather go back to bed.

This emotional onslught is called ‘triggers’ for the simple reason that they are designed to trigger you into inaction by responding in one of four ways:

Flight: OCD behaviour and obsessive thinking mixed in with a lot of anxiety and a real difficulty in relaxing and trusting to life unfolding as it should.Fight: Aggressive, confrontational behaviour that sees a lot of ‘action’ but none of it is purposeful or conscious. Problems are created where they don’t exist, drama fuels the motivation, and there is a lot of busyness but no true progress.Freeze: This reaction is a complete dissociation from the decision/event/desire. This can include too much sleep, binge watching tv and refusing to take responsibility. It is a state of contraction where no growth or progress happens.Fawn: People in this category seek to make themselves unthreatening by people pleasing, focusing on others to the detriment of themselves. They avoid action by giving their attention, time and energy to others. Co-dependent relationships are a result of this.

Nobody promised that the human experience would be easy, luckily though, we have the ability to learn and make adjustments with the knowledge we gain.

If you want to have an easier time with your goals and desires, see which one of the above four responses you default to, and refine your healing journey by choosing which thoughts you do and don’t wish to believe. Remember at the end of the day it’s all data and hormones and Not. The. Real. You.

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