Jeff Mach's Blog, page 9

A Wolf-Crying

This is the famous tale of that young fellow, the lupine-screaming little gent, and what, precisely, ended up happening to him. I’m not saying this is the real story.

I’m not saying anything.

“It never troubles the wolf how many the sheep may be.”

~Virgil

_________

You likely know the story of the boy who cried wolf.

If you do not:

There was a boy, a shepherd. We don’t know the era. We’ll say 1873. Don’t ask why.

He was bored, they say. So one day, one long, slow day watching the sheep chew cud, he began to cry, “Wolf! Wolf!”

There was no Wolf.

But all the town came, to save the sheep and the boy.

Possibly not in that order.

Then the boy repeated his cry, once, twice, three more times, perhaps. Eventually, the townspeople stopped coming.

That’s when the Wolf really DID appear.

* * *

That story’s just a fable.

That poor boy called Wolf, and nobody came…and the Wolf was real…and…

…would they come if OTHER people cried Wolf? Perhaps not.

Did they associate the lie with the boy, or with the circumstance?

That is, did they know that Wolves are real, but the ones the boy discussed were lies?

Or do some of them think, perhaps, that there simply are no Wolves?

Especially the younger ones. Which isn’t the fault of the younger ones. Who knows how long this Wolf-hoax has gone on? When would they have a chance to find out if creatures of fang, fur, and faux-hominidry are real and not merely cryptozoological?

They wouldn’t.

The boy who cried Wolf was a fool, destined, if he persisted in his idiocy to be eaten by Wolves for having taken adventage of the credulity of others.

Unless.

Unless the boy was not so foolish, not so self-centered, not so dreamy-minded. (And why did one or another of his wolves tend to go missing so often?)

Not unless they boy was, in fact, the Wolf.

And wanted none to believe in the Wolf.

So he curated his cries for help… at inconvenient times, in moments when he knew the grumpiest would be on watch. He spaced them out just enough to be annoying, not quite enough to be predictably consistent.

Oh, surely there were no Wolves, just one lying boy.

No Wolves.

No Wolves at all.

Surely just a boy.

Not a hungry and incorrigible Wolf.

Not a Wolf busy encouraging you to believe that there are no Wolves.

Whyever would a Wolf do that?

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

 

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I Hate The Paladin

I surely hope that it’s a sin,
How much I hate the Paladin.
Hate something more? No, you can’t win
‘Gainst how much I hate the Paladin.

Oh, it’s true, I hate Bards more
There’s a part of my brain that’s perma-sore
From Bards that I just couldn’t ignore;
Bards are the vacuum I abhor.

Sure, they’re useful in a fight, just…
…unbelievably self-righteous.
I mean, I’d rather be painted plaid
Than have to deal with Galahad.

Paladins cast useful spells
But I still wish them into seven hells.
Paladins swing mighty swords,
But please let me cut their cords!

I’d rather team up with a carnivorous tree
Than a warrior Paladiny,
Rather have my party et by a Lich
Than a Paladin, making my hands itch.

Bring me a Paladin! Bring me twelve!
Let me my meat-grinder unshelve.
Some like poison, some like the noose;
For Paladins, I’ve a useful use.

Paladin burgers on +1 Buns!
Paladin meat loaf! (I could eat tons.)
Paladin sausage (no double entendre)
Impossible Paladin (too weird to ponder).

Paladins, Paladins refuse to yield
Each one’s a yummy, meaty shield.
I hate them as humans, I really do
But I’ve always got room for Paladin Ragout.

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post I Hate The Paladin appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Deadly Pudding

The monster known as “Deadly Pudding”
Is a good example of “They did so much ‘If I could-ing’
That they didn’t think enough,
“But… should?“—ing.

Deadly Puddings are dungeon dwellers
And a boon to healing-potion-sellers.
They’ll eat Adventurers like corn on the cob;
They’re suspiciously similar to ‘The Blob’.

Deadly Puddings are dungeon inhabitants
And familiar undertaker-slab-inants
Sure they’re weird, but be no critic:
They’re oddly strange, and quite acidic.

Dragons might have breath explosive
But compare that to pudding-spoo corrosive
Sure, the Dragon might fry you like a wonton
But the pudding might split you like a Taunton.

I’ve always wondered. And I’ll ask again.
AD&D first had Elves and Men…
…Hobbits, Dwarves, and other players
And monsters in assorted layers:

Trolls, Goblins, Vampires, Orcs
(All recognizable to us, because we’re dorks.)
Traditional monsters are sufficiently gooding;
Why the heck did we need fatal pudding?

I find this particularly scary
As I’m prone to poems culinary
And since I understand my venue,
I realize this monster is destined for the menu.

I don’t know. I’ve never got
Why dungeons are inhabited by living snot
But if they must be, then I’ll try to recall
The proper words for ‘Fireball’.

If pudding wants to make me a ghost,
Then that pudding can damn well roast.
Pudding is dangerous and funny-looking.
I think it could be improved by cooking.

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Deadly Pudding appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Pickup Lines For Insane Sorcerors

“Has the ever-enveloping Vision of Vishkantu emblazoned your physical form with the radiant fury of ten thousand exploding ions, or are you simply preparing to dissolve my body into component ions?”

“Good heavens, that cloak would look fantastic lying on the floor of the fifteenth level of Morkeleb the Black’s treasure-room.”

“Want to go out for a drink of Oil of Etherealness?”

“…Potion of Rapid Decalcification?”

“…a nice dinner of Hobbit?”

“Want to rearrange the Alphabet of AshKente and put the Ineffable Bruise-Sign of the Dread Makumbi next to the soul-sucking Rune of the Lemurian Undergods? And also, we could possibly share an ice cream soda?”

“Do you want to reach Heaven tonight? Because I’ve got an entire army of Hellbusters and they’re ready to kick some angel butt.”

“Is that a Staff of Extremely Misfortunate Erotic Encounters in your cloak, or are you simply attempting to steal my familiar?”

“I’m not a stone golem, you just make me feel like one. Or at least, you really make me remember that I’m only animate because of this holy word on my forehead. Wait, why are you reaching for that eraser?”

“You must be a magician. Because any time I look at you, everyone else disappears. One-fifth of the human race has already vanished. The rest won’t hold out much longer.”

“Hey, can I contribute my body to your next blood sacrifice?”

“You just took my breath away. I hope this telepathy is reaching your prefrontal lobe, because I’m turning blue.”

“Are you a broom? Because you’ve swept me off my feet, gathered up my terrified body holding on desperately to your handle, and now I’m flying over the endless Ocean waiting for you to get tired and drop me.”

“Did it hurt when you fell from the stars? Or are you destroying the stars for some other reason?”

“I’ve brought an Unholy Lexicon of Hominex in an effort to understand what strange and nigh-ineffable terror you instill in the parts of my heart which want someone to share an IRS-longform with on some cozy April evening. You want to go halfsies on an LLC?”

 

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Pickup Lines For Insane Sorcerors appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Mind Flayer

Mind Flayers, aka “Iithids”
Are detrimental to your lids.
They’re not optimal for your thoughts
Your brainwaves are a string of naughts…

Mind Flayers are extremely powerful psions
They inspire quite a lot of die-ons
But more than their ability to slay,
Their tentacles take over your matter grey.

Their own minds are alien indeed
They are an enigmatic breed
They’re about as charming and as sweet
As a farmer selecting poultry for meat.

They’re aware that they’re superior
To everyone, interior and exterior
It’s their place to make thralls
That’s evolution, and nature calls…

I mean, if they were not intended
To see all other species on knees bended
Then why would they have been graced:
Given mind powers, and made tentacle-faced.

Where are they now? I wouldn’t ask.
They kept their minds behind a mask.
Now that they’re mad and quite unpleasant.
And psychosis is omnipresent.

On the plus side, their shadowy home
Was darker than Under-Elf or Gnome
Are they gone? I’ve my doubts
Because of some strange comeabouts:

Do we think that our upper lands
Are insane purely by our own hands?
I think we’ve help. I think we’re full
Of influence from tentacles.

And if we don’t destroy each other,
We need not die from friend or brother.
There’s still that maddened Ilithid race
Which is perfectly happy to take your place.

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Mind Flayer appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Join the Sith!

Hello!

Do YOU want to be part of a vast army of Dark Lords?

Well, you can’t be. There are only two Sith. That’s the Rule of Two.

But you COULD be part of a VERY VERY TINY group of Dark Lords, one of whom will eventually slay the other, unless at least one of them becomes immortal and plans to essentially dangle semi-ultimate power in front of you forever, or until you try to take it and (probably) die.

Now, does YOUR job offer that level of job security?

We’re betting it offers WORSE job security, because we know something about the Universe you live in, and it still thinks digital watches were a pretty neat idea.*

Sure, you’re very unlikely to become one of the two Sith Lords, but you could be one of the highly expendable Sith Minions, or one of the slightly less expendible Sith Not Minions. But Somebody Reasonably Important. This is a good deal, beacause we’ve heard you might be a little short for a Stormtrooper.

Join the Sith! It offers vast wealth, sometimes. Sure, there are also times when you need to pretend to be intensely poor, but what is suffering compared to power unlimited?

Oh, it also offers power unlimited, or as close as you can get to it without dying, burning out, or being murdered by the other Sith Lord.

And that’s a deal you can take to the bank.

If you haven’t robbed it yet.

You might even be lucky enough to live while Palpatine is Emperor, which will be forever, obviously. Because sure, you’ll never become Emperor yourself, but Palpatine has so many secret apprentices he’ll probably forget to kill you for quite some time.

And your lightsaber is WAY cooler than those Jedi things.

Join the Sith!

You probably won’t be killed immediately!

You probably won’t die too slowly!

You probably won’t go mad or blast off your own head with power!

Your Master/apprentice will inevitably betray you, but that’s okay, because that’s what you’re into, you weirdo!

Also:

There will be cake.

* For the record, they WERE, Douglas.

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Join the Sith! appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Kuo-Toa

I’ve always loved the Underdark, although I don’t think you need to know anything about any edition of D&D to get some sense of the creature that even the official documents called ‘Gogglers’.

I think I may end up 

Also, they served a dark and hungry God…

__________

I suspect that the Kuo-Toa
Would not have been saved by some underdark Noah;
That the beasts who built their own Gods
Created their own unbeatable odds.

Contagious madness? Who’d have thought?
Shouldn’t have let themselves get caught.
Nobody’s better at wishing that the Illithid
Would get into disagreements with giant squid.

Sadly, they were driven quite insane
By the Flayers of the Brain,
And the Worshippers of the Spider Queen
And various things unholy, unclean…

…inhuman, inhumane, unbelievable,
Unspeakable beyond belief, inconceivable,
What we’re saying is (in a nutshell, pal, you
Shouldn’t go Underdark for high property value.)

Inside the giant mushroom forest
Hear the Llolth-cultist chorus
With eyes that see into the ethereal,
The Kuo-Tuo are weirder than Azothoth’s cereal.

Got some bad news from the Oorg-Poolgoopan
Telling you to slay a wood-Elf clan.
Then the Pincers of the Priest-King
Send you to the inquisition (they hate how you sing).

The Kuo-Toa are theocratic slaves
With little time for celebrations or raves
Their primary hobby (when they’re allowed time)
Is hanging out and excreting slime.

And trying to take over minds,
And becoming more psionic
World dominion attempts?
With the Illithid, they’re cronic.

And sure, their worship of Aboleths
Is sure to cause some hasty deaths;
Their fawning over Leviathan
Creates horror etc. beyond mortal ken…

But most of all, the undersea gogglers
Are multiple category togglers:
Half shambling things of eldritch night,
Half inhabitants of seas too deep for light.

How strange and delightful, these undersea
Parodies of you and me.
What very peculiar creatures! We will forever thank
Whoever can tell us what brand of Absinthe ’twas that Gygax drank.

~Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

The post Kuo-Toa appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Romancing The Stone Golem

Did I stay up late one night thinking of pickup lines for Stone Golems?

….maybe. Maybe I did.

To be fair, you’d appreciate it, if you were a Stone Golem, or ran a Cement Mixer Singles Bar.

____

“Want to come home and help me study for my archaeology exam?”

“This must be a museum because you’re a work of art.”

“Are you the seventh lower level of the Inner Hell of the Labyrinth of the Mad God? Because I feel like I could totally get lost in your eyes, if you had eyes.”

“Do you have a mirror? Because I could see the two of us together. And I’d like to do so rapidly, as I am fairly squishable.”

“God, I love the smell of gravel in the morning!”

“What say we re-arrange the alphabet and put the Forbidden Rune of AshKente on top of the Unspeakable Glyph of Torg?”

“Indeed. I, too, wish to rock this joint.”

“I wish to meet your beehive. Or if you do not have a beehive, I wish to know how you’re so darn sweet. If you’re not sweet, I would like a do-over.”

“Have you got levitation powers? Because when is saw you, my heart just lifted.”

“Did time just stop, or did you decide to freeze up and pretend to be a statue as soon as I came over?”

“What’s it like to be the most attractive stratum of quartz in this entire section of the cavern?”

“Are you made entirely out of an entirely solid material, or are you…no, actually, I think the answer to that one is obvious. Can I get a do-over?”

“Did  they discover diamonds in the metamorphic segment of this cave system, or did you just smile and/or bite off the head of a passing Bard?”

“Were you created by an insane sorcerer? Because you have 117 crab arms and are hoving upside-down.”

“Your hand looks heavy. Can I hold it for you? I brought a forklift.”

“Either there was an earthquake, or you just rocked my world…okay, I’ll show myself out.”

“You are almost too hot to handle. My compliments to your kiln.”

“Do you have a crush on me, or is that just your primary rotor limb flattening me against this boulder?”

“I think you may have just stolen my heart. Wise move. It’s a good first step on the journey to becoming a real boy.”

“How’d you like to get real close and make some gravel?” (sexy alternative):

“Let’s you and me get hot and heavy and generate some diamonds.”

“Let’s play hide and seek. You hide, and I’ll pretend that I’m unable to find a nine-foot-tall humanoid who weighs eight thousand pounds and is currently holding me suspended above her head.”

~Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

You could go here to join my mailing list.

 

The post Romancing The Stone Golem appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

An Elven Fairy Tale

10. ONCE there were some Elves who were very friendly to everyone who deserved it.

9. The fact that no-one deserved it is a reflection upon everyone except, obviously, the Elves. Those poor Elves went to all the trouble of preparing to be kind to inferior and lesser species, only to find no-one who deserved their generosity. What utter and total tommyrot!

Sorry. We sometimes get just the tiniest bit annoyed at the clumsy discourtesies of our many inferiors.

8. At any rate, those Elves were nice and kind and sweet. In moderation. Where appropriate. And only where appropriate. And when appropriate, and if appropriate. I mean, some people can take constructive criticism, and some people recognize it as a monstrous attack on their individual sovereignty. Constructive criticism is fine if one is, say, negging a Hobbit, but one directs it towards a fellow Elf at peril of one’s nail appointment.

7. Once, they were visited by a great Wizard. They showed him every courtesy and kindness and made it very, very clear to everyone in his party that they were quite a lot smarter than he was. The Wizard simply drank everyone under the table and stole their best horses while everyone was asleep. But that was a different branch of the family, if you know what I mean.

6. “Extreme sarcasm” looks almost exactly identical to “extreme compassion”, if some meddler drinks you under the table before you can reveal what your actual plans were. Jerkwad.

5. Now the Elven Kingdom is on high alert. Every pub, inn, and tavern has been ordered to (temporarily) stop watering down the wine and start (temporarily) even pouring actual whiskey.

4. Not to anyone but Elves, obviously.

3. At any rate, these Elves were very, very nice. They would gladly tutor you in the ancient and learned Elven language so that you could read the poetry they have writte about themselves. It is very beautiful and describes Elven history, ideas, and cheekbones.

Or, if you wanted, these Elves would show you their crafts of woodworking or glassblowing, so that you could see how much better than you they are at it, and understand how you will never be that good, but can be comforted that at least somebody’s that good.

They might even show you their Grand Ball, although you would not be permitted to behold it for more than about seven minutes, as your cloudy mortal eyes can’t behold something so enthralling for very long without your brain (such as it is) exploding from your cranial obtusion.

2. At any rate, the point is, these Elves were excellent.

You were almost good enough to experience it.

~Jeff Mach

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

 

The post An Elven Fairy Tale appeared first on Jeff Mach Writes.

Blibdoolpoolp ~ Goddess of the Undersea Underdark

When I started playing Dungeons & Dragons, I thought there was no need to make up so many (in my opinion) terribly weird monsters; I would have been happy just to have it be as traditional as possible. (Actually, I think trying to create a TTRPG that’s ‘as traditional as possible’ sounds rather like a lot of fun. Such a thing probably already exists, but I don’t know of it myself)…

…but I digress. 

The Kuo-Toa seemed especially needlessly peculiar. Rather belatedly, I wonder if they’re a little bit related to Lovecraft’s Fish-Men.

And Mr. Gygax and co decided that these undersea beings needed a Goddess of their own. And thus…Blibdoolpoolp.

_______

And now, the ballad of Blibdoolpoolp
Whom you really wouldnn’t want to invite over for soup
(Especially if you were plannning on crab,
Unless you’ve an eye or two you hope she’ll nab.)

Blipdoolpoolp is Goddess of the Koa-Toa
Which makes it very hard to know her.
Like most Gods, she’s not without vanity
So she dislikes the fact that she’s born of insanity.

The Kuo-Toa, watery weird
Fear as much as they are feared
Their peculiar theocracy
Has never heard of heathen ‘Democracy’.

And Blipdoolpoolp, in watery doom,
In Undersea and under-gloom,
Her giant claws to clack and rend;
Her mind, which is nobody’s friend.

For this grim Goddess of crustaceans
Has hobbies beyond merely kicking Dalmatians.
This Dark Queen of underdark undersea
Doesn’t like you, and doesn’t like me…

And from what knowledge we obtain
She’s most certifiably insane
In fact, though she rules as though eternal
She’s barely even vernal:

The Kuo-Toa, watery scared
Felt vulnerable, open, bared
How were they made with no Gods of their own?
What seeds of watery worship sewn?
__

What the chances? What the odds?
The Kuo-Toa made their own Gods
Are they grateful? Not at all.
The Kuo-Toa’s Gods recall

That the Gods of most other races
(Around whom they barely show their faces)
Were made first, and subsequent
Their worshippers were built, and bent

To the causes of those august beings
(Subjects of prophecies and seeings)
And made to serve the specific cause
Of that being’s race, its souls and paws.

But the Kuo-Toa, terrified
Made their own Gods; and those Gods lied
Swearing they came from First Creation
When less than an epoch is their real station…

Hail to thee, Blipdoolpoolp!
Having you as Goddess is quite a coup.
What insanity will occur with your next design?
Lobster claws, tentacles, madness, brine.

~Jeff Mach

(While this is its own story, I feel like there’s likely to be more later…)

 

My name is Jeff Mach (“Dark Lord” is optional) and I build communities, put on events, and make stories come into being. I also tweet a lot over @darklordjournal.

I write books. You should read them!

 

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