Jeff Mach's Blog, page 41

They Won’t Come For you

At least there’s one thing that we know to be true:
They just come for them. They won’t come for you.
It might otherwise scare you, so just think it through:
They just come for them. They won’t come for you.

There’s no need to worry, nor to discuss
Why certain ones got thrown under the bus.
Oh, sure, the looked and sounded like us,
But they deserved to be thrown under the bus.

Because, in their hearts, they were always unclean.
And you really wouldn’t want to be seen
With those scoundrels and ruffians, strange and obscene.
Unclean, unclean, unclean, unclean;

Because on this point we must not be confused:
if they weren’t guilty, they’d not be accused.
Accusations are facts, and cannot be misused;
if they weren’t guilty, they’d not be accused.

I know this, you know this, we all know, and yet
When they come for us, we are always upset.
You thought you were innocent? Not a good bet.
They can find crimes that you’ve never even met.

At least there’s one thing that we know to be true:
They just come for them. They won’t come for you.
It might otherwise scare you, so just think it through:
They just come for them. They won’t come for you.

Just look, and you’ll see that they take away
People who are wrong, and are not okay
And that’s never you, and that’s how it will stay.
You’re fine, you’re fine, and besides, anyway—

They’re evil. You’re not. So just go along.
Authority say so; and they can’t be wrong.
Go about your business. Sing a little song.
You’ll be safe, if you just go along.

Now, it’s hard to read intention in text.
I’m here to help out those who get perplexed.
I’m sure it’s a mistake, so please, don’t get vexed

when they come,
when they come,
when they come for you next.

Because if there’s one thing that you know is true,
It’s that they’ll come for THEM, and never for YOU.
Let that be your compass, or, if need be, your glue
And if, by mischance, it should happen to YOU,

you’ll know it’s a nightmare
and that it’s not true

You’ll wake up and find
That they didn’t mean you.

Which is a good thing
’cause there ain’t
a damn thing
anyone will do

when they come,
when they come,
when they come for you,

because everyone,
everyone
knows that it’s true:
They won’t come for THEM
if they let them take YOU.

It’s true,
it’s true,
it’s probably true,

and the ones who disagree?
You can’t ask them, can you?
Because they came for THEM
while you thought about YOU

and when it’s your turn,
the cycle spins anew:

once YOU become THEM
and THEY
come for
YOU.

The post They Won’t Come For you appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

The Difference EnGin – A Cyberpunk Cocktail

Mach’s 4th Law: Any sufficiently advanced Villainpunk is indistinguishable from what people seem to believe is real life.

(From “The Villainpunk Cookbook”)

‘The Difference EnGine’ – first a machine, then a book, and now a cocktail…or five or six cocktails, if you wish; we won’t tell…. tastes best when you shake it like you’re trying to produce steam by shake power alone, or trying to escape a future megacorp-surveillance dystopia via primitive but effective energy transference. We also recommend that you infuse it with nanite microchips which follow the drinker around so as to sell one’s private data to large corporations, for that proper Cyberpunk touch.

2 oz lime flavored gin (or a really well-muddled gin-infused lime)

3/4 oz triple sec (unless you live in one of the realities which has octuple sec, in which case, strain out the tentacles and pour the hell out of the thing)

the freshly squeezed juice of 1 lemon

1 dash of orange bitters

1 dash of whatever other flavor or color of bitterness you’re feeling right now.

One shot of Amaretto. We know. It drops a smoky-strange color into the beverage. But the Future can be a bitter time; you deserve a little sweetness in your life.

We also recommend those non-ice cooling cubes which chill a beverage without melting water into it. Myself, I don’t mind the slow invasion of water, but I’m old-school. Besides, most of those cubes are made of the perfect ingredient…silicon. You might do a hybrid (old-school and new-school) of silicon cooling blocks, and the aforementioned ice. This way, the next part becomes more destructive.

Place all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with a generous amount of ice.. Shake, shake, shake this baby till the liquid is filled with teeny, tiny shards of broken ice.. Congratulations, you’ve now earned one cardio unit for the week! Celebrate by straining the cocktail into a martini glass.. Serve immediately and savor slowly. You’ve got a lot of horrifying future to wait out.

__________

(Originator of all the best parts of this: The Caranator.)

The post The Difference EnGin – A Cyberpunk Cocktail appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Evil Egg Creams With Scotch

Bonus Beverage: Evil Egg Cream With Scotch

If you’re a semi-New-Yorker, as I am, egg creams are essential to life.

You will need:

 

Chocolate or Strawberry U-Bet Syrup. Other syrup can be used; it’s just morally wrong

Some milk. How much milk, exactly, is a question similar to “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” The answer is 87,421; but since we don’t know what units they’re using, we just have to experiment.

Two-cents plain. This is commonly called “Seltzer”, for some damn reason.

No eggs. Listen, I didn’t name the damn thing.

Good Scotch. I recommend Glenlivet 18-year, or Laphroaig 10-year. But then, I’d recommend that to anyone for any reason, at any time.

Mix the seltzer, milk, and syrup until you have something foamy with the consistency of milk and the attitude of a semi-active volcano. DO NOT ADD EXPLOSIVES OR POP ROCKS.

Add generous lacings of Scotch.

Re-mix.

Drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and, perhaps, fight, or else, just drink more.

 

The post Evil Egg Creams With Scotch appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

The White Wizard Circle of Protection

(A standalone piece from my book, “I HATE Your Prophecy“.)

If you have heard any of the many, many White Wizard declarations of Anathema, you have heard some of these ideas before. What you might not understand is that they are not random; they are not a simple outpouring of hatred or anger. They are, in fact, the only truly pure thing in the Universe: a circle; the very geometric personification of purity—no edges, no ugly bits which jut out or cause friction, a flawless and unceasing loop which permits no entry. Consider it, if you want, as each part building every other part, like the flawlessly cut stones which, individually, are just rocks, but together can build a pyramid with extraordinary precision.

Perhaps you have seen this in pieces, and you thought it was simply the natural hatred all things Right possess for all the Blighted things of the World. Not so. It’s a formula, a mindtrap. Once you place something within, it can struggle, it can scream, but it can’t escape.

Declarations of Anathema, proclamations of anger, excommunications—they are all symptoms. You might see similarities; but the actual formula is larger than you know, and complete. And that is very good to know.

Let yourself be comforted by the nature of this Enclosure. Nothing outside can get in at all, and the only thing that can get out is a beam of blinding, burning light.

In short, The Never-Ending Enchantment Against Darkness happens thus:

Certain places, things, groups, realms, and ideas are of the Darkness.

             All that which is of the Darkness is toxic; it harms everyone and everything it touches.

             Those of us who serve the Light can identify that which is of the Dark.

The Darkness can only be identified; it cannot be cured, except by obliteration.

             All must recognize and proclaim that the thing is of the Dark; or they are, themselves, toxic.

             None may come into contact with the Dark, save to attack it. Any other contact is toxic.

             All those things which are affiliated with, identified with, or even appear as though they might be in some way connected with the Darkness must renounce it; otherwise, they are contaminated, and toxic.

             All that which seeks to understand the Darkness without attacking it is contaminated and thereby toxic.

             Any who permit the things of the Dark to speak are contaminated. Darkness is known and absolute; nothing can disprove it, and any attempt to disprove it defends the Dark; it is toxic.

             Those who hear the words or ideas of the Dark and do not immediately denounce them are contaminated and toxic.

             Those who are of the Dark must renounce it, or they are toxic; but most of them lie. No matter their words or actions, they are almost certainly of the dark, and toxic they remain.

             Nothing toxic can be friend to anyone. Nothing toxic can do anything but produce toxicity. Nothing toxic has anything to offer the world but toxicity.

             Anyone who does not fight the Darkness by containing, restraining, attacking, and decrying the Darkness, and those who would speak for the Darkness, and those who would look at the Darkness, and those who would think about the Darkness without denouncing it—they are of the Dark and they are toxic.

             All who question this are, tragically, infected and toxic.

             All that which is toxic may be, and must be, destroyed; they may not be shown any forms of kindness, mercy, or Humanity; for they are purely a plague, and it is worth harming any number of lives to protect all the rest of us from the Darkness.

Because:

Darkness is everywhere. Darkness is increasing. Darkness is winning .

All Darkness must be burned to ashes, and then the ashes burned to dust, and the dust mixed with mud until none can find it.

This is our only protection. Anyone who violates a single precept of the Circle of Protection endangers all life as we know it; and anyone who does not seek, with all their being, to obliterate those persons is of the Darkness and must be obliterated.

All things started toxic. All things which have been built up have rotten, toxic foundations. There is no safe place anywhere; and so, we must call upon all sentient beings to cast out all Darkness; only those already consumed by darkness would disagree.

Envelop. Isolate. Silence. Attack. Silence. Isolate. Envelop. Attack. Always shoot to kill. If you must burn down your friend’s house to contain the toxicity, it is your job lest toxicity burn every house. If you must burn every house in order that a few isolated basements remain pure, you must do that thing; it is your job.

Nothing is safe.

Darkness is everywhere.

Darkness must be obliterated.

If we obliterate all things in order to destroy Darkness, then we have saved all things from toxicity. It is a painful, desperate act of ultimate heroism to tear down everything; only then can we start anew.

No one knows how we will ever build anything again, standing with broken hands in the broken rubble of shattered lives and dreams.

But at least we will be protected from the Dark.

 

 

The post The White Wizard Circle of Protection appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Punishing Cabbage Bread

I know, another DAMN recipe from The Villainpunk Cookbook!

 

Hardcore Old-School Boarding-House “How Did I End Up In A Magic-Infested Young-Adult Novel”, “Food Is Character-Building Punishment In And Of Itself” Cabbage Bread

 with added Tea Temptation: ginger-basil tea-infused butter!

 

“There is something unalterably British about the cabbage; I mean, not necessarily to British people, but to millions of Continentals who have experienced the horrors of Albion’s perfidious boarding schools merely through cinematic screen. As Martian Duplicate Winston Churchill once remarked, “Indeed, people has spent so long trying to figure out exactly why we would ever consider consuming such a vegetable that they were too busy to notice our armada of steam engines advancing upon them. We assuredly would’ve conquered the world, were it not that we made the wise decision to stop for tea every three hours.”

 

~Major General Stanlie

 

It’s important to remember, if boarding schools didn’t have weird social and culinary traditions, we wouldn’t have the modern Young Adult Novel. And I’m sure that would be a tragedy for…somebody out there.

 

What makes this recipe really shine is the simple yet startling butter. And by “shine”, we mean “gives you telepathic powers like in that Stephen King book, which are basically a curse and sort-of end in tragedy”. Or possibly we mean “very very tasty”. Experiment at your own risk.

 

Simply take ½ of a cup of softened butter, add freshly-ground basil and tumeric (or, if you choose, powdered basil; we won’t tell) – and either ground ginger, or powdered ginger.  (Although we won’t object to a liberal dollop of Faerie dust, stolen from your very own captive Faeries.)

 

Mix the basil and ginger into the butter in a mixing bowl, until the butter is thoroughly and evenly infused – then simply present it in your favorite serving container, and invite your guests to spread it liberally upon your bread.

 

Now, the best way to gain a cabbage bread truly worthy of your home and guests is to find it within a disappearing fairy marketplace, wherein it is stealthily wrapped around a treasure map which clearly marks locations of hordes of gold beyond counting. It may fail to lack location of enormous dragons beyond counting, but that’s cartography for you. It is an inexact science, and frequently involves 12th degree burns.  But assuming you survive the Great Wryms, you will find this recipes to be both savory and delicious. It’s also simple to make this vegetarian friendly by taking out the ground beef and adding ¼ cup vegetable stock to the cabbage while steaming it.

 

Yield: 8 servings

Skill Level: 2

 

1 small green cabbage, shredded

2 tablespoons butter

1 ¼ pounds ground beef

1 medium onion, finely chopped

½ teaspoon salt

1 ½ – 2 teaspoons black pepper

0 Goblin Fruits*

Fresh bread dough**

 

Directions:

 

In a large pot, melt the butter and add the shredded cabbage. Stir to coat well. Cover and steam over medium heat for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

 

Brown the ground beef and onion in a skillet. Add the salt and pepper and continue cooking for 1-2 minutes. Add the ground beef mixture to the cabbage pot and mix well.

 

Transfer the mixture to a colander, drain and transfer to a large bowl. Allow to cool completely.

 

Roll out your bread dough until it is thin. Cut into rectangles about 5″ X 8″.

 

Place a large spoonful of the cabbage mixture in the center of each rectangle. Bring each corner up to the center and pinch closed to seal into a packet.

 

Place the sealed side down on a greased cookie sheet. Let them rest at room temperature for 10-15 minutes. Bake at 425° until golden brown, about 15 minutes.

 

Serve warm or room temperature. For an extra kick, serve this with a good English or deli mustard. Or a blue cheese mustard. Or a wasabi mustard…okay, we like mustard.

 

*Note: Either store bought dough, or the recipe for Busy Peasant Bread in this book, will work fine.

** “We must not look at goblin men,
We must not buy their fruits:
Who knows upon what soil they fed
Their hungry thirsty roots?”

-Rosetti

 

The post Punishing Cabbage Bread appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Unsympathetic Magic

If you’re familiar with modern magickal theory and/or reasonable amounts of fantasy writing, you know the Law of Sympathetic Magic, and if that’s the case, you probably think this is fiction. If you’re not, or if you know this stuff but don’t believe in it, you probably think this is fiction. So let’s just assume that I’m lying to you, and therefore, it’s perfectly fine to take in this clearly-not-real thaumaturgical lesson.

Sympathetic magic generally says that “like calls to like”, which is to say that you can use symbols to affect reality. Or, in other words, it says a representation of a thing has a chance to affect the actual thing itself. This is completely ridiculous; for example, who believes that making offerings to some sort of idol will have an actual effect on the world? That would be like, say, listening to commentary about a thing. and believing the commentary, without ever checking the source materials. Nobody would do that, eh?

Unsympathetic magic is repulsion. That is, unlike drives away unlike.

So, while in sympathetic magic one might, say, steal someone’s toenail clippings (ewww) and make from them a doll or figure, and then stick pins into said figure in order to attempt to cause pain to one’s subject, in unsympathetic magic, one does basically the opposite. If you’ve read your Lovecraft, you might recall that the priests of Sarnath practiced secret rites of detestation against the statue of Bokrug, the Water-Lizard.

And, as with everything in Lovecraft, that worked out really well, albeit not necessarily for the priests.

In sympathetic magic, one needs to identify that which is similar to a particular thing. We referenced using discarded bits of body (did we say “ewww” earlier? We did, didn’t we?) in order to have a sort-of direct, organic connection. But it’s quite common to use something symbolic instead, a fact which will not surprise anyone who’s tried to acquire black-market toenails.

The difficulty here is simple. In order to find a reasonable opposite of a thing, you need to have some understanding of the thing.

Magic is not quite as unrelenting as physics; to some extent, magic knows what you want. If you say black is the opposite of white, magic tends to know what you mean, and doesn’t get too hung up on the whole “one is a shade, the other is a combination of all the colors put together” thing. Likewise, it tends to have a reasonable idea of what you mean by ”

Unsympathetic magic is one of the least physically-exhausting forms of magic to attempt. This is because the magic itself can do much more with less. That is to say, ordinarily, if you utterly bungle a spell, or, say, cast something which might be cosmically inappropriate, that spell will draw more energy from you, and then come back to smack you upside the head; usually somewhere in the realm of the parietal lobe, which is essentially fatal to mind and/or body.

But if you bungle unsympathetic magic, it need not do anything else.It’s extremely efficient.

Some people speak of Karma. Some speak of Balance. Some speak of The Threefold Law. Some disbelieve in all of those things, or have no idea what they are. It really doesn’t matter.

The idea that what you do will often come back to haunt you comes from a very simple idea in the Universe:

The Universe is generally out to get you. It just wants an excuse.

Ask any spellworker – or, hell, if you don’t trust those, ask any engineer. Ask any assassin.

If you go around saying, “I don’t understand, I thought I’d washed all the poison off my hands after I tipped the rest of it into his drink, why am I lying on the ground bleeding from within”, you probably have never understood that challenging endeavors involve risk, and fatal endeavors involve potentially fatal risk.

Sorry, friend, it’s late, and it’s time you got out of the gene pool.

 

The post Unsympathetic Magic appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

The Bloody Bullshot – An Actual Recipe

Some of you might know my general opinion that, in the original Bond novels, there are always at least two major villains: Whoever the book’s alleged villain is, and also James Bond. And I don’t know that Bond would have necessarily disputed this idea; certainly, it’s no spoiler to say that, the single time he’s brainwashed, it’s with the idea that he’s always been a weapon, simply pointed in the wrong direction.

There’s a lesser-known Bond story where, while there’s no grand scheme, everyone seems guilty. (This is not a spoiler; it’s a murder mystery where everyone has motive, and the ‘victim’ is eminently dislikable). It’s the aforementioned jerk who introduced us to the ‘Bullshot’, described as ‘iced vodka in beef consommé’. (…no, we wouldn’t drink that, either.)

Now, I roamed far and wide in researching this book, and was fortunate, with the aid of a kindly birthday gift certificate, to get to Morton’s, The Steakhouse, here in lovely Mordor, New Jersey. There I encountered a bartender who was willing to indulge my wildly insane ideas involving my obsession with Islay single malts and my madness involving obscure culinary ideas.

I give you, then: The Bloody Bullshot!

Concept: Jeff Mach, and The Angry Ghosts of Ian Fleming and Travanian

Creation: Kai Smith, Bartender

1 ½ ounces Laphroaig

3 ounces beef au jus

Dash of lemon juice

2 dashes Worcershire sauce

2 dashes tabasco

Celery salt to taste

Ground pepper to taste

Garnish: Lemon Wedge

Put on flameproof gloves.

Mix everything together in an Adamantium shaker. Or just pour into a glass and stir with a spoon.

Serve warm or chilled, depending on the season and your own personal madness.

The post The Bloody Bullshot – An Actual Recipe appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Insidiously Sweet and Treacherously Spicy Pecans

The people of the Other Simulation have basically the same basic priorities as the people of today:

Fight Morlocks.
Eat snacks.

Obviously, the two were deeply interconnected; one can hardly have the energy to battle endless hordes of ravening humanoids without sufficient amounts of protein and sugar in one’s system.

(A little caffeine doesn’t hurt, either, although I wouldn’t know, as I never settle for less than A MASSIVE DOSE OF CAFFEINE.)

This recipe draws on the smoky, sugary-savory taste of pecans, kicks it up with some heat, and adds the natural amino acids inherent in nuts (and brains, but that’s another story).  Together, they’ll give you the strength to defend yourself from monsters, and/or to help you stay awake as you binge-watch the media of your choice. Or, if you’re like me, both. I try to keep a wary eye on my digital devices as they, in turn, keep their unblinking electronic eyes on me.

 

Yield: 4 servings

Skill Level: 1

Nonstick vegetable oil spray

3 tablespoons light corn syrup

1 ½ tablespoons sugar

A Horrifying Amount of Pop Rocks

¾ teaspoon salt

¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

⅛ teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 teaspoon of brown sugar (c’mon, you didn’t REALLY think you had enough sucrose there, did you?)

1 ½ cups pecan pieces

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325°F. Spray baking sheet with nonstick spray. Bash any passing Goblins on the head with the aforementioned tray, lest they steal your goodies.

Combine corn syrup and next 4 ingredients in large bowl. Stir to blend. Add pecans; stir gently to coat. Transfer to baking sheet.

Bake pecans 5 minutes. Using spare (unpoisoned) dirk or (if need be) a relatively clean fork to stir pecans to coat with melted spice mixture. Continue baking until pecans are golden and coating bubbles, about 10 minutes. If the pecans being to melt and eventually set fire to your oven, you waited too long.

Place large piece of foil on work surface and transfer baked nuts to foil. Working quickly, separate nuts with fork. Cool via Frost Dragon, or by waiting a few minutes, whichever.

Can be made 3 days ahead. Store airtight at room temperature in the vault where you keep your Polyjuice Potion; alternately, keep within a hermetically sealed segment of your Moonbase, some part the Yeti won’t find. Hopefully.

The post Insidiously Sweet and Treacherously Spicy Pecans appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Imaginary Places Where I Don’t Belong

I tried to visit

Never-Never Land,

But they never let me in,

Even when I was a kid.

So I dived 2000 Leagues

Under The Sea—

I think they thought

I was a giant squid.

The world is full of magic places;

Magic Everywhere,

and I guess I really should have known.

The world is full of places

Wondrous and strange:

Places I never will and never have known.

Thought I’d fly a spaceship

To other galaxies;

Explore the Universe,

Go forth, and boldly Go.

I asked a starship captain

If I could join his crew

He raised his phaser

and said, “No.”

The world is full of magic places;

Magic Everywhere,

described in many a picture, tale, and tome.

The world is full of places

Wondrous and strange:

Imaginary places that are never Home.

Some people never see

Imaginary Worlds;

I’m lucky to have gained

Whatever vision I could win;

But I’ve opened doors

Ten thousand times or more,

and never found a place

where I fit in.

The world is full of magic places;

Magic Everywhere,

and I guess I’ve known it all along.

The world is full of places

Wondrous and strange:

Imaginary places where I don’t belong.

The post Imaginary Places Where I Don’t Belong appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.

Some Ingredients

I’ll have four ounces of your tears, please,

on ice,

with a splash of gin,

and a little orange slice,

and a good,

heavy wedge of lemon.

I’ll take, let’s see,

two of your most broken dreams,

extra-jagged edges,

oddly sweet with the sharp remnants

of hope;

let’s grind them up,

perfect seasoning for a salmon,

or even a brook trout,

bringing out the delicate flavor

of the skin.

For the barbecue,

would you mind bringing

a couple hunks of your conscience?

You may have to hunt it down,

as I think it’s on the run,

but it’s the sporting thing to do,

and in this ecology,

it would never survive in the wild anyway.

We can debate the ethics of the hunt

if you can find someone

whose conscience

is still hanging around;

otherwise,

they do roast up a treat.

I don’t think you should flavor your coffee

with so much fear;

adrenaline has a bitter aftertaste,

and really,

you can get the same numbing bitter sense

from Kava tea,

and Kava relaxes you,

whereas fear just makes you jumpy.

And no,

switching to decaf won’t help,

it never does.

If you don’t mind,

let’s share our grief?

Between you and me,

there should be enough for both of

us;

I know you like the lighter cuts

of regret,

and I prefer the darker ones,

and so,

betwixt us,

we’ll clean the platter,

to paraphrase the old rhyme.

And that brings us back to gin,

gin,

gin,

always gin,

when tears run dry,

but need to be shed,

who is your friend?

Gin,

gin,

gin.

They say it’s possible to replace tears

with belief;

but who knows what to believe these days?

No; a sip of gin,

a dollop of pain,

and grim determination.

It hurts;

but we persist.

Life is a painful banquet,

but it is a banquet nonetheless,

and dammit,

I want to see what the next course is.

The post Some Ingredients appeared first on Worlds of Villainy.