Scarlet Risque's Blog, page 6

You will do exactly what I say with no regrets

I had a vivid dream of a young actor auditioning for a role. He was unassuming and plain. He asked the judges for permission to start the auditions and bam, he was waxing lyrical poetry with his emotionally filled dialogue. He truly captivated the judges who were awestruck. The judges granted him the lead role and he was on screens, and movie posters.


 


Sometimes I wonder if I am actually running away from my love for languages and the screen by dancing yet another night away. That all I have done so far (publishing three books, joining performance dance teams, randomly filming videos) is actually my futile attempts at avoiding producing a movie.


 


The resistance is so strong towards the pull of producing the movie that I dream about it (the casting, the scenes, the storyline) instead of enacting on anything concretely in real life. It is a mirage that blurs but crystalises in my sleep. I tell myself, I am not good enough. I don’t have funding or support from a studio. And why is this calling so goddam strong? I did not study in theatre. Yet, the images of Broadway and West End filters in and out of my visions.


 


Sometimes I see her in my dreams. She is calling the shots, acting in a solo production, and materialising each step. She has lost a significant amount of weight, and she is mastering her body movements. She is replying to hundreds of fan mails and teasing them into utter submission.


 


When I see her up close in the mirror, I am like holy my god you monstrous being. You are ruining my life, why do you want to evolve when I am happy where I am? Please spare me and take someone else’s soul. I am not capable of your task. You are asking too much of me. I need to rest, I need to make a living. You are asking me to risk everything I ever knew to become someone I am not.


 


Then, she smiles, that sinister smile. And she says to me. “You will do exactly what I say with no regrets.”

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Transcendence

Do you have someone in your life that makes you want to transcend yourself?

That inspires you and elevates you to reach for the stars and beyond?

That supports you and cherishes you in your darkest moments?

That is always there no matter what happens?

The seasons change, yet, the love is constant?

——————

Treasure them, for they are the hidden forces who make you who you are today.

I believe for Ayumi Hamasaki and Jay Chou, their mothers were the person behind their success respectively.

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IKIGAI

Mastery Level

YOU = CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE = CAUSE OF THE MATTER = IKIGAI ZEN MODE

Legacy Level

YOU = DISAPPEAR = Your physical self exist in the universe without you being physically alive.

“When you possess great riches within you, seldom are you believed.” The Alchemist

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2018

There is a new beginning to every ending. 

This year I had lost 7kg in total as part of my preparations to film a self directed 20 min short film next year. I don’t think I am adequately prepared at this point and I don’t think I will ever be fully prepared. But the essence is at least I tried to do something unachievable than let this opportunity pass without a fight. 

I had confessed to my best friend that I would rather die in the middle of pursuing my dreams then not having lived my life to the fullest. I would rather trade my short term gratifications such as going on yet another aimless directionless wanderlust to achieve long term results of leaving behind a fraction of the masterpiece I am attempting to bring forth to this world. 

I am utilizing my limited time on earth to maximise my returns on investments to ensure I spend the least possible time on each project with the greatest scalability. It’s by no chance, and no luck that I am where I am today. I do not believe in the attribute of luck or fortune. I believe we can powerfully choose and will forces into existence using the focus of our mind.

 

I may never be rich or famous but at least I lived virtuously and lived my life in accordance to my principles. 

Lastly, I had been performing my filial duties to my family and I have no regrets. For death is the only certainty on this temporal journey on earth. 

I choose my suffering & my happiness. 

I choose myself. 

2018 

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Legacy Planning – 100 Years Into The Future

My parents are approaching retirement age. I have been tasked to help them plan for their retirement by compiling our family portfolio which consists of insurance, investments and planning their golden years beyond 30, 100 years from now.

This tedious work requires me to read the fine print and call relevant companies to verify to ensure their pensions and insurance are well covered. There are scenarios we have to plan for, eg: in the event of disability what happens? In the event of medical emergency what happens? We have been transparent with each other about these morbid topics that most people would rather not discuss about, but I think it is of crucial importance that our close family members and friends know what our wishes are, at the minimum.

My dad said I could write a book on legacy planning if I manage to pull off this 100-year project well. It is true. Sometimes I think it would be rather sad if I don’t have a kid to continue on my genetics, but at least, my books will live in virtual space forever as my eternal legacy. A 100-year legacy does not mean we have to put unrealistic expectations on the next generation to continue our grandiose unfulfilled dreams. It could mean leaving behind something on earth for the future generations to enjoy. That is why some people choose to start a foundation or donate their wealth to their chosen charities when they are gone, it is part of their effective contribution back to society.

If you ask me what would happen 50 years from now, I believe humans would have been infused with technology to become half andriods and half humans. It is known as the movement of transhumanism. The introduction of VR technology and Google Glasses are forward movements towards using technology with our interactions with the external world by having sensory input. That is, if we manage to prevent a major nuclear holocast, only then humanity can move towards the technological frontier of colonizing outer space.

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Reflections Post Hourglass Series

I wrote out my life and eulogy at 18 years old. The most irrational of which was to publish three books before the age of 30. I was young and foolish and needed to prove that I was an author. I spent winter nights in Melbourne working through the night typing on the keyboard till my fingers went numb from the cold as there was no heater in the room. I hated myself every single day for not writing fast enough. But being an author wasn’t about writing books but communicating ideas.

My ideas were lost in the process of hitting daily word count goals. In secret, I worked on short stories but I kept hidden from the world as I was afraid of myself. I was afraid my abilities and I sought to disintegrate my works by writing under different identities. I left all my short stories incomplete and unpublished. But there was one short story that lingered and haunted me.

It was The Scarlet Throne, but even which, I refused to name it it’s real name and called it “The Prince” when I initially published the first three chapters on my blog. The Scarlet Throne trilogy is the real deal and the legacy I will leave behind on earth. I will be working on this project for the next six years. I will be writing next trilogy (The Scarlet Throne) set in a science fiction dystopian post-nuclear holocaust universe with encoded with ideologies from French and Chinese philosophers from Feb 2018 to Feb 2024. The Hourglass Trilogy is available on Amazon.

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My Feelings Post Third Book Purple Python Release

Releasing a book on virtual space is like releasing an entity to the universal conciousness. It is scary. It’s akin to exposing my soul to the world, it’s worse than exposing myself nude in public. It’s exhibitionistic to the maximum level as it’s not just my body, but my heart and soul is released to the world. I don’t enjoy that particular feeling of being “exposed” or what the french call it, exposé. It’s a rather vunerable emotion. It’s like confessing my love to a secret crush after years of playing hide and seek. It’s like being a child all over again.

Flashback to the memory. I am in the school canteen, sitting alone. A girl comes up to me and tells me she likes me. She uses her belt to hit my arm playfully. She wacks my arm a few times as she gives a sadistic smile on her face. She was in pure delight, that she looks escatically pleased to inflict pain and red bruises on my exposed arm. As a socially awkward almost mute bookworm nerdish kid I was, I let her take control in total silence and obedience. She laughed and said this is how they treated animals. We humans deserve the pain we inflict on others. I could not move and I was rooted on the spot, on the seat. Her words lingered into my conciousnessness and the memory of which became permanently etched in my mind. Ever since then, I inflicted pain on those I loved.

Writing the Hourglass Series has been strangely theraputic. I am rather mixed. I hate and love it. But it would be considered my best work to date in my perspective. However, my best friend had advised me to work on The Scarlet Throne series (based on The Prince working title) to turn it into novel form. I can always continue the Hourglass Series at a later date. The Scarlet Throne would be my magnum opus, he said. I agreed. In fact, the visions of The Scarlet Throne is what penerates my dreams and visions in everything I see and do. It is probably the most soulful work what I will ever bring to fruitation if I start working on it.

I am seriously considering to stay in New York for a few months to work on my writings, attending theater and dance classes. Only by elevating my skills, I could then, elevate my art. I am in contemplation at the moment, but I am afraid of the person I would become as well. My heart calls for me to go forth towards New York and find the best teachers in the artistry I wish to pursue. Yet, I am in fear that I will no longer see myself in the mirror again. Every morning, I wake up nude and look at myself in the full length mirror before weighing myself to check my equilibrium.

I am unsure if I can do the same or start to hate myself all over if I go over to New York. I am afraid of losing myself, losing my mind, losing control. Or will it be the opposite – I will refine and gain more control over my identity through the pursuit of love, beauty and knowledge?

For this, I am at an artistic crosswords. I will be on a two weeks break to find these answers.

 

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Release of Purple Python, Hourglass Book 3 on Amazon

A BEAUTIFUL UNDERCOVER AGENT, Jessica, codename Purple Python, is sent to Singapore to prevent the expansion plans of Wilmar Enterprises in Asia under the White Queen’s orders. Jessica identifies the chief financial officer of an equity fund as her key target. Garrett is interested in investing in Wilmar’s Asia Fund and Jessica is tasked with derailing his plans. As Jessica works on getting close to Garrett, she finds herself becoming interested in Garrett for more than his business documents. Jessica engages in an internal tug-of-war as her feelings for Garrett deepen and she begins to question her loyalties. Will she betray the woman who saved her from the streets or will she sacrifice her chance at a soul mate?

Purple Python is a standalone full-length novel part of the HOURGLASS series of corporate espionage undercover femme fatale agents. The series explores about finding one’s identity in the backdrop of capitalism with dominance and submission themes, romance, love and betrayal entwined with undercover spies on a mission to serve the greater good.

Available on Amazon Now: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076ZFQV8X

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I am sick of you

Hi Purple Python, I am officially sick of you. I see you every day and you haunt me so much in my dreams to complete you that I had taken on some characteristics of the person I am not by losing myself completely in you. I detest you, and when you scream for my attention I want to slap the living daylights out of you. You are the marathon race I ran for nine months that soon, to be birthed into a monster for the world. As much as I had tried to tear you apart from me, you had penetrated into my pores like the sun. I hate you. Be gone. Get out of my body. For I will publish you and ensure you will be apart from me so I will never ever together with you again.

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Outsourcing and Delegation and the Pursuit of Happiness

In the Effective Executive, I learnt that an executive can perform the functions of 200 people. Given the automation of technology, this is true. Given the easy availability of outsourcing – this is true too. I find most of the work I perform is automated by processes and are on scheduled releases. For example, I could schedule to release my blog posts every week. I could write five posts in one day and set it on an automated release schedule. I could effectively delegate someone to write my blog and release it too. But that’s not the point of my blog as it is a personal blog so that would entirely make no sense to outsource something I enjoy doing, so I keep myself on this task.

But there is many things I do not enjoy doing – like repetitive work. They are functions that could be automated. The number of vendors that I have engaged this year is astonishing even to myself, my phone rings non stop on some mornings by vendors – banks, deliveries, appointments. My calendar has a recurring automated prompts to do weekly tasks or monthly routines. The more I engage with the concept of time, the more I find that my time on earth is too short, and too brisk for what I want to truly accomplish. I have be content that I will only produce a fraction of what I would like to do in this brisk stay on earth.

Even the countries I will potentially be able to visit is limited by my actual life span. I met an American tourist in a cafe in Beijing who said he had visited Greece 30 times. He is 72, divorced with no children. I wonder if in my later years I would try to repeat my fond memories by revisiting the same location. Or will I be contented with a lifelong companion with a house by a lake in my later years, doing gardening and keeping ten cats. Or will I even have family members or friends in my later years, or will I be able to dance the way I do now. In times of my quiet contemplation of life, I look to my grandparents for solace.

As much as I could outsource and delegate the functions of my life till I could spend each moment in the pursuit of pleasure, I am met with the existential crisis that still, the greatest fulfillment I find joy in is to bring out the best in others around me, and to perform in my dance and song.

When I watch my grandparents, in their advanced years, traveling on cruise ships and visiting casinos to spend their solitary remaining years – I am filled with a kind of despondence that one day I may meet this end. Will I be indulgent in seeking for temporary highs from my winnings by an electronic machine? I have a romantic ideal that I will spend my remaining years writing books, painting and drawing, and if I could move my limbs, still dancing to no nights end. But it will all be too lonely if I had not found a companion by then. For in one’s advanced years, it is no longer about young love, but an old familiar love that one is content to have by their side in their moments of joys and sadness.

My third book is almost ready at this stage. I wonder if I look back at my life now 50 years on, I may have a few hundred published books by then, maybe I will be well known, maybe no one will remember me. Maybe I might disappear from the face of earth without a trace for history is continuously rewritten by those who want us to believe in their truths instead of the real truth of what it is.

I will never stop writing the truth for it is my duty and service to humanity to only speak the truth and no less. Even if I lose my popularity for revealing the true nature of what it is, I am willing to sacrifice my egoistical self to be secure and safe. Why will I be lesser than what I am? Or be dishonest with myself when I could, in full honesty, life my live to the accords of the highest fulfillment of what it is meant to be?

I choose to be myself.

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