Danielle Steel's Blog, page 67

Will the Real Danielle Steel Please Stand Up??? (Remember that One???)

Hi Everybody,

Well, I've just had an exotic 'modern' techno experience. I discovered yesterday that there are people out there in Internet-land pretending to be me. Wow!! How's that for strange?? Apparently with money schemes and all sorts of exotic fare, all pretending to be me. Why would anyone want to do that??

It suddenly reminded me of years ago, way at the beginning of my career, when my face was not yet well known, and my career was just taking off, my publisher got a call that there was a woman on the loose in Southern California, notably having an affair with some radio personality and claiming to be me. We informed him that she was a fraud, since I wasn't having an affair with him, and the poor guy was really disappointed. She'd been giving him copies of my early poems, and telling him she'd written them for him. I don't know how it worked out for them, but I was just happy to clear my name. If she was having all the fun, and getting all the flowers and chocolates, no point in my getting credit for it!!! Shortly after that, there was some woman hitch hiking around the state of Virginia, doing interesting sexual things to the people giving her rides, and also claiming to be me. I never knew about any others, and I suppose as my fame grew and people knew my face along with my name, it didn't leave as much room for people to pretend to be me. I've come across a few people over the years, standing right next to me in stores in 2 cases, who were claiming to the people they were with that I was their best friend, although I was standing right next to them and they didn't recognize me. That's always a weird feeling, like being suddenly invisible in a bad science fiction movie.

And now, the Internet has opened up new vistas. Apparently it's a common thing to have people on the Internet pretending to be someone else. I have to admit, it gives me a creepy feeling. They can claim whatever they want, say whatever they want, portray me in any way they want, and if they have all the fun, why should I have all the headaches that go with being Danielle Steel?? (And there are a few).

Anyway, as my publisher announced on the Internet yesterday, the only official Danielle Steel sites are my publisher's web site at daniellesteel.com, my own/this one, and I believe there is a fan page on Facebook. Anything else, just isn't for real…..so if someone asks you for a hot date, describes their/my sex life, wants a rundown on yours, tries to bilk you out of money or invites you on a Caribbean vacation as me, I'm sorry to say, it just isn't me….beware of fakes, in all areas of life…..and the real Danielle Steel is just little ole me, writing to you here every week….maybe we should develop a secret hand shake???? Take care…..thanks for tuning in.

Love, Danielle

21st Century

My head is spinning a bit, and I had to share it with you. I think I've mentioned to all of you before that I am deeply, powerfully, and sincerely technologically challenged. I write on a 1946 manual typewriter that seems modern to me. I paid $20.00 for it a million years ago, at the beginning of my career, in a second hand typewriter store. And I love it. I can't write on anything else, and wouldn't try. I could never even write on an electric typewriter that takes off at the merest touch. And I can't write on a computer. It just doesn't work for me (except for email). And I'm happy this way, unchallenged, unconfused, and entirely unmodern. It also semi-hides the fact that I am completely confused by technology. And the thought that a computer would EAT 3 chapters of a book, or all of it, is horrifying to me. So I'm definitely sticking to my ancient typewriter, still going strong (best investment I ever made, 116 books later), which very politely only eats what I feed it. My typewriter's name is Ollie (an Olympia, a German hand made table top manual typewriter, which weighs as much as I do. It is an incredibly fine machine. And I'm happy to say it's older than I am).

My children have tried to get me to I Chat, want me to get a Blackberry, insist that I can use a computer….but the reality is that it took me 5 years to learn to use a fax machine (and I still cant work the one I have in Paris, which hates me), another 5 years to learn to email. I can't use a digital camera. I use an 8 year old cell phone that is falling apart in my hand and I won't give up. Let's just say I have some SERIOUS resistance to modern technology, either due to inability, terror, or just plain stubbornness. But in any case, since learning email, I have dug my heels in and learned NO new technologies….well, actually I learned to send text messages a few years ago, and that seems useful too. Although I am by no means in the leagues of my children, who carry on a full conversation with me face to face, while their thumbs are flying over the keyboard of their Blackberrys and they have a whole other conversation with a friend by text. I am an excellent multi-tasker, but not when technology is involved. (Like any mother, I can make a sandwich, listen to a kid, talk on the phone at the same time, and manage 3 conversations at once, while telling a husband where his gray socks are and what time our Christmas party is……but technology is not involved in any of those tasks).

My assistants have gently tried to introduce me to new concepts in technology, and I won't hear of it, and my children really pound on me on the same subject, but they're easy to resist. I know them all well, and don't even have to pretend to be reasonable, or modern, with them. My ex husband gave me a fancy new computer, which I still don't know how to work. But in each case, I know them well enough to blow them off without embarrassment, and stubbornly stick to Ollie, email, and the occasional text. Kids today are a whole different breed. At 4 and 5, they know how to use computers and it's second nature to them. And my assistants would never have gotten hired anywhere, if they were as incompetent as I on a computer. (The good news is that I also don't know how to reach EBay, or any other site where I can shop on line. Good news for my budget!! I suspect I would get into serious trouble if I could!!)

Several months ago, I got a new assistant in Paris, who does everything imaginable on a computer, his social life, his work life, Facebook, a million things for me. And he noticed tell tale signs of my antique notions of communication early on. (Another of my many quirks is that I have a nervous breakdown if anyone touches my computer, even my kids. Since I have virtually no idea how to use it, I figure someone else will do something that I can't fix, manage, or undo, so even breathing in its direction is taboo, so as not to interfere with my emails, which I assume appear by some kind of voodoo or magic on the screen, and want nothing to interfere with). The new assistant entered my world oblivious to my eccentricities, bad habits, and total ignorance of technology (well, I think he suspected that), and began to make improvements, subtly, quietly, without arguing with me, discussing it, challenging me, or warning me that he would. He just quietly went about his business, while I did what I do: write books. He got me a new cell phone (which I couldn't use, and nearly hyperventilated trying to use it, so he backed down and had my old one fixed. Whew!!! Fantastic, it is now almost as good as it was 8 years ago. Museums are begging me to donate it, and I won't!! He picked his battles carefully, and backed down immediately on my beloved cell phone). He commented that I needed a stereo system in the Paris apartment (I was using a small unit, like most 10 year olds would carry to the beach—-now they all have IPods, which I also don't know how to use). I have no idea how to work the new stereo, but he does, and it sure is nice. I like it, as long as I don't have to figure it out, which I probably couldn't do. He quietly installed Skype on my computer, without discussing it with me, so now I'll be able to talk to and see my kids (and no one else, since I don't want to have to comb my hair for my morning emails!!). He installed an additional email address. And noticed a Christmas gift from 2 years ago sitting near my desk still in Christmas paper. I had not yet unwrapped it; it was a digital camera and printer that I also had no idea how to use. It is now sitting next to my desk ready to use, and I can enjoy the gift that has baffled me for 2 years. It is amazing how these small improvements improve my world, and would have long ago. Everyone else is stunned that the new assistant has gotten away with getting me to make changes that no one else could convince me to try til now, AND touch my computer without my putting a contract out on him. Part of it is that he didn't discuss it with me; he just did it very quietly (without lecturing me about what a klutz I am), knowing that it would be helpful to me, and not giving me time or the opportunity to say No. It's also embarrassing to admit to someone new how stubborn and antiquated one is, and hostile to the modern world. So he got me by being subtle, and by my own embarrassment to resist openly. I'm not embarrassed to say a resounding NO to my kids or employees who know me well, it's harder to do with someone who assumes you are a reasonable, modern person—-and really embarrassing to admit that you're not. So I have put a toe in the waters of some technological improvements. I have not set fire to the world, I am still writing on my ancient computer, I have not yet made it to EBay or Google (my researcher does that), and I don't think I will ever be a computer whiz, and will probably always be a computer Klutz. But I am impressed that I've made some minor improvements, and that I actually let someone do it. Whether by embarrassment, trust, or because I simply wasn't paying attention to what he was doing, he has actually improved my world, and dragged me a few inches further into the 2lst century, a MAJOR accomplishment—-he may win the Nobel Prize for that one.

To top it off, my beloved editor has discovered a manual typewriter that looks like mine (please don't tell Ollie, I have been faithful to him for 116 books!!), but that is actually hooked to a computer. Apparently, I can type as usual, and it will roll paper pages out of the typewriter as usual, AND make a disk of what I'm typing, on a computer, hooked to the typewriter. A double header. I can remain as old fashioned as I want, while hooked up to modern technology too. My publisher will be thrilled. And I am going to try that combination set up soon. I've ordered the machine. Wow!!!

Modern wonder, I can not only text and email now, but I can also Skype, use a digital camera, and enjoy my new stereo system, and all because someone just gently and quietly took care of it for me, and somehow slipped under the radar, and got past my early warning system that alerts me to anyone who goes near my computer. The answer from me to all technology questions is always no. He didn't ask, and probably would have been stunned to know that it is a big deal to me. So I've been embarrassed into putting a toe into the waters of the 21st century. It shows me that I can do it….I think a Blackberry will be next….maybe another new new email address……and who knows what other surprises are in store!!!!!!! I can't say it was easy, and I hyperventilate a little while trying to deal with one of the new technologies I've learned (like Skype). It may seem simple to you, but it sure doesn't to me. And who knows, maybe by my 200th book, on my l00th birthday, I'll be writing on a computer…..well, maybe not….but any day now, I'll be shopping on line, checking things out on Google, or dating on Match.Com Anything is possible…..it shows what a gentle introduction can do, and an open mind…….mostly, I was just too embarrassed to stamp my feet as usual and shoo the new assistant away from my computer, and admit what a klutz I am. It's a brave new world!!! 21st century, here I am!!!!!!!!!

Love, Danielle

A Big Subject: Mutual Respect Between Parents and Adult Kids

I have often said that being the parent of adult kids is an art, and not always so easy to achieve. But I am beginning to think that being the adult children of one's parents is not so easy either, and also an art.

I recently laughed with a friend about how I used to feel still 10 years old when I visited my father, as an adult, and often did and said things that I couldn't believe I'd just done. Who said that? Sometimes I couldn't believe it was me. They treated me like a child, and sometimes in spite of myself, and being all grown up, I acted like a child around my parents. Ugh. The friend I was talking to about it had recently had the same experience with his parents, who had treated him like a five year old on a visit home, although he is very grown up, and a responsible, intelligent adult. Sometimes, our parents bring out the worst in us, even after we're grown up. They expect us to fail, be irresponsible, or act out, especially if we were less than perfect, a lot less than perfect, when we were young!!! And some parents remind us constantly of our failings when we were young. Doing that seems like a bad idea to me, and brings out the worst in all of us. "Remember when you…." followed by some hideously embarrassing story that makes us look like fools. Ugh.

I think the basis for a great relationship between adult kids and parents is respect. Another important factor is not expecting your adult kids to be you. (And by adult, I mean even 'kids' in their early 20′s, or pretty much anyone who has left home, no matter how young or old they are). I am very opinionated and have very definite ideas and opinions, about how life should work and people should behave. (I hate people being unkind to others, and wanton nastiness that hurts others' feelings). And I have been blessed with great kids, who are all loving, decent responsible people. But no matter how wonderful they are, they are individuals with their own ideas, and they are not me. Maybe we all secretly expect our children to grow up to be just like us, and they're not. They follow different careers, have friends we don't always like, date and marry people that suit them, but not always us. I am speaking generally, and not specifically of my kids. But how simple it would be if they all lived exactly the way we do, like little carbon copies of us—-WITHOUT all the hideous glaring mistakes we made. Yeah, remember those?? I sure made my share of terrible mistakes when I was young. My kids have made much wiser choices than I did, so far. But I also didn't have the kind of family support they do. In fact, I had absolutely none; I was totally on my own. But whether it's the food they eat, the people they hang out with, the way they wear their hair (whatever they pierce or tattoo), or the careers they choose, the cities they live in, or the neighborhoods they love, or even the number of children they have, the way they dress them, or the religions they embrace (or none at all, no matter how they were brought up, or what Sunday school we sent them to), adult kids have the right to make those decisions and be who they are. They are not leading our lives, they are leading their own. And sometimes you just have to swallow it, and respect who they are, and not even comment on the strange pets they have, or the way they bring up their kids. It's great if their ideas are similar to ours—–but what if they're not? That's where the art, and the challenge, come in. You have to respect them, as well as love them, and the choices they make. As a parent, it can be a challenge, and sometimes we are just surprised, or maybe even frightened by a choice that seems dangerous to us (of a mate, a sport, a neighborhood, or a kind of job). Our children are their own people, they are not us. We have a right to worry about them, but we really have to try and trust them to know what they're doing, and to make the choices that work for them. I think we will have much better relationships with our adult children if we trust them, and respect who they are, no matter how different or similar they are to us. it has always been one of my goals to respect my adult kids, and so far mine are easy to respect—-but even as responsible people, they are still very different from me, and once in a while I want to scream, "you did WHAT?????", and then I remind myself again that they are not me. And their choices are different from mine and have a right to be.

BUT —-guess what??? That kind of respect is not a one way street, it is a two sided coin. If we are expected not to comment, or even flinch, at the fabulous new tattoo running up one arm, the fact that their children go to bed later than ours did, follow no routine, or have a nearly Hitlerian routine, that they get vaccinations, or don't, that they have now become Buddhists instead of Episcopalian, want to join the circus, or go sky diving in their free time, bought a house they cant afford, or live in what we consider a hovel——whatever it is they're doing that may shock you, or surprise you, if you are trying to adjust to it and be fair, and respect the choices they've made—–GUESS WHAT???? They owe you exactly the same respect about whatever it is you do. Or at least that's how I see it, as a two way street, NOT a one way street that benefits only them.

The age I hated most was when my daughters were 14 and 15. I couldn't do anything right when they were that age. You're wearing THAT?? (Them to me). Kids that age have total contempt for their parents, particularly their mothers, and don't hesitate to criticize their parents night and day. And guess what, kids? It really hurts. Parents have feelings too. And kids that age hurt their parents' feelings a lot. Fortunately, all of mine are past that age. But nonetheless, although I am prepared to visit them in their homes and not comment on whatever is different from what I'm used to (when I visit one daughter, I recognize nothing in the fridge. It's all bio health food that looks like a science project to me. But she loves it and insists it's healthy. I don't say "yerghk, where are the Hostess Twinkies, and can we send out for a Big Mac?" I discreetly take a bar of chocolate out of my purse, which will tide me over til the next recognizable meal. But what I do find is that sometimes adult kids forget that we have a right to be different and independent too. And I find that many adult kids are far more vocal about being critical of their parents. If you're still living in the same way in the same place, your adult kids are likely to tell you that your house looks beaten up, the curtains are tattered and the rug is worn to a nub. They may tell you that your clothes are out of date, and you look ridiculous still wearing your hair that way. My girls work l8 hour days in the fashion industry in 8 inch heels, and they don't love it when I wear flats in the day time. They think stilettos are running shoes. Me, I'm willing to wear a high heel at night, but if I'm going to run around all day, I wear flats. Adult kids are liable to tell you that your clothes look out of date, or that you're too old to wear whatever you have on. my kids tell me that my hair is too long (it's down to the middle of my back, it's me, and I love it that way), but do I tell them how to wear their hair? I try not to. I think criticism is a bad habit we all get into, parents as well as adult kids. It's a right we think we have, to tell people we're close to what's wrong with how they look, how they dress, who they date, what they eat, and how they live. But the truth is, no one likes to be criticized, not even by those they love. Maybe especially not by those they love, whom they want to please and impress, and whose praise they really want. Our adult kids want us to tell them that they are doing great, and in most cases they are——-but so do we. We want to be told that we look good, that we're doing a good job, and we're not totally over the hill. So I think the basis for a good relationship between adult kids and parents is mutual respect. Maybe parents of adults have decided to learn a new language (why on earth would you want to learn Chinese, mom? Why not?), or a skill, or taken a job they've always wanted and can indulge now, or go back to school (law school at your age? Yeah. Maybe so). Parents can have pets their kids don't approve of, boyfriends or girlfriends who may not be their kids' cup of tea but are good for them, employees their kids don't like, they may have changed the curtains in the living room, or painted their house a weird color the kids don't like. But life is about moving ahead, doing new things, even trying new things, and sometimes clinging to habits or people that give us comfort.

I think what adult kids and parents need is tolerance of each other, compassion, understanding, respect, and a sense of humor about the things we don't always like. But if our kids want us to respect them and their occasionally wonky choices (blue hair, sweetheart?? really???), then they have to respect ours as well. Life is an experiment. We really do need to be tolerant of each other. And NONE of us want to hear about what we're doing wrong all the time. Even if it's wrong for someone else, it may be right for us, no matter how strange it seems.

So I would like to cast a vote here for mutual respect and tolerance. I think if both parents and adult kids make an effort in that direction, we'll all have a better time together, and a lot more fun. It will keep life surprising and interesting, and keep our minds open. They don't want to be us—-and we don't want to be them. And just as they have a right to be who they are, so do we. Someone said that being an adult is when you accept your parents for who they are. That would be very, very nice. And just as we need to salute our kids for their independence, and respect their freedom to be who they are, no matter how different from us———they need to do exactly the same for us!!! It's a two way street, and a great exchange!!!

Love, Danielle

The Aftermath of Christmas

Hi Everybody,

Wow!!! The aftermath of Christmas…..I love the holidays, and all the cozy, childlike traditions we embrace. The old decorations we hang on the tree from bygone years, that bring back memories, the trees we put in the same place and decorate in the same way. I love that my kids come home, though never for as long as I'd like (like forever….or what about a time machine to take us back to the years when they were tiny and we waited for Santa Claus to arrive, breathlessly!!! And I knew that they would be home for years and years, instead of all grown up, and only home now for days). Christmas brings back so many memories, many of them so tender, and others so bittersweet (like those that include my son Nick, who is no longer here). But even grown up Christmases, with adult kids, are fun. They're just different than they used to be. Everything now is in High Definition, and rushes past at lightning speed. We wait for Christmas all year, and it's over before you know it.

So now, the kids have left, save my college senior who still lives with me, in a separate apartment in the house, with an incredibly full and busy life. But mine is pretty busy too. The others have gone, their rooms are empty again, they left with their dogs, their gifts, and left a trail of small things behind. And for one precious week, when they're here for Christmas, I can almost pretend that they are kids again, but not quite. We cooked dinners together, had lunch in the kitchen, and had breakfast together every day. Sheer heaven for me. I flew from Paris to be in San Francisco with them, and just missed the giant snowstorm that shut the Paris airport down (and airports all over Europe). I got out right before they closed the airport, and get out by the skin of my teeth every year, and made it home the day before the kids. They're off to their own cities again, and after I organize things a little, I will be off to Europe again, to freezing weather and probably more snow. (And it's cold in San Francisco too). Each of my kids came home with their dog, so the house was full of laughing, barking, and friends visiting. And the only thing we couldn't fit in this year was baking brownies for our friends, there just wasn't time. Next year.

There were some really fun times, family dinners, lots of cooking, and one night when we all cooked, and danced in the kitchen while we did. I love all the activity and chaos that goes with having a big family (if not, why have so many kids? I have always loved everything that goes with it, multiplied by nine). And dancing in the kitchen while cooking is fine with me, better than fine. In fact, it seems so deadly dull in the kitchen now without them, and all the music, dogs and noise. Big families are not for everyone, but they suit me just fine!!! The kids are the greatest joy of my life, and my house has been much too quiet since they left home.

There were sobering moments this Christmas too, with one member of the family ill, recently diagnosed, and our love and attention and concern was focused on him. But with so many people loving and caring for him, we hope that he'll do well, and recover soon. But things like that are a reality that none of us can escape, and remind me of what I write about—-that no matter how perfect our lives seem to people outside the family, or how fortunate one is, how blessed, or how materially comfortable, none of us can escape the dangers, sadnesses and sometimes bad surprises in life. We are so grateful for the happy moments and good times, but no one is exempt from the bad moments too. They are better when shared, but no one can escape the bumps in the road. (I had an email from a friend 2 days ago, that his mother is very sick, and 2 of my friends in Europe are ill too). Our human frailty and vulnerability is a common bond we all share. We can't escape our own humanity, our frailties, and those of the people we love. It's a good reminder to reach out to people we care about, at whatever age. It's good to stay close and spend time with those we love.

I hope that your holidays were as good as you hoped they would be, or even better, and that the memories will keep you warm for a long time. And if for whatever reason, your holidays fell short this year, then put them behind you, like last year's Christmas decorations, and let's move ahead into a bright, healthy, exciting new year. Let's all look forward to the blessings and good times ahead. May the coming year be a wonderful one for you, and may all your dreams come true.

Love, Danielle

Auld Lang Syne…

New Year's Eve is always a dilemma for me. Maybe a little like Valentine's Day, only worse. If you don't have a romance in your life, and aren't a couple, you're pretty much left out on Valentine's Day, except that I get wonderful cards and thoughtful gifts from my children on Valentine's Day. But it's pretty much a day for lovers, and if you don't have one……better luck next year!!! And I'll admit, it can be a sad day if you're not on a lucky romantic streak on Valentine's Day.

And somehow, New Year's Eve always seems even worse to me. The WHOLE world is celebrating New Year's Eve, or appears to be (which isn't necessarily the case on Valentine's Day). People in Times Square are waiting for the 'ball' to drop to announce the new year. People are dancing, celebrating, and kissing at midnight….uh oh, there's the rub….what do you do on New Year's Eve if you have no one to kiss at midnight???? You're in deep doo-doo there, and the whole evening is liable to be a bust, as you watch happy couples celebrating. Talk about feeling left out!!!

I used to give a fancy dinner dance on New Year's Eve, elegant and somewhat formal, and then the game of musical chairs left me without a seat, and suddenly I was the odd man out at my own dinner dance, and had a really lousy time with no date, no one to dance with, and no midnight kiss to bring the new year in. Before that, when I was married, sometimes it was fun (usually in fact), to do nothing at all, go to bed early, and watch old movies on TV. More often than not, we were asleep long before midnight, cuddled up, and starting the new year cozily. That's my ideal way to spend New Year's Eve. But if you're not with someone you care about—-then what?? I don't like to go out, because I don't want to worry about other drivers having too much to drink, and getting in an accident. So I like to stay home on New Year's Eve. And then what? That's where the dilemma comes in. What do you do?? I like having friends in, but year after year, I'm the only one alone, without a date. Ouch. It makes for an awkward scene at midnight when everyone is kissing and you're not. I've tried to wrestle with the problem in numerous ways. I stopped doing the formal dinner dances, and switched to a more informal dinner. I figured that less fancy food would make it seem like less of an 'event'….but the moment of truth always came….just like Cinderella, the clock strikes twelve inexorably, and Cinderella lost her glass slipper, and watched the coach turned into a pumpkin, and I watched my coupled friends kissing at midnight, and wound up seriously depressed every time. (Well, not seriously, but sad for a moment or two.) I switched to serving fast food (hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza, corn dogs) instead of elegant meals on New Year's Eve—how romantic can you get over curly fries and corn dogs with a side of chili (not to mention the indigestion afterward not being conducive to romance). That still didn't do the trick. For several years now, I've given poker parties on New Year's Eve. I love to play, and if I'm winning twenty dollars, how upset can I be over no one to kiss at midnight? Well, I love winning the twenty dollars, but that midnight moment still got to me. And this year, I was about ready to give up. My great debate for several months was which would depress me more: going to bed and doing absolutely nothing (would I feel like a total loser to be alone, or relieved??? hard to say), or should I keep plugging along and have friends over on New Year's Eve, knowing I'd be the only one without a partner or mate? For some reason, this year I had a really tough time deciding. I used to hire a band, and this year, let them go, and let someone else hire them instead. I didn't feel like playing poker. I didn't want to have no one to dance with, and no one to kiss. I was tired of being a good sport about it—-but not quite brave enough to do nothing at all. So I have sat on the fence, unable to guess which evening would be the easiest for me. And finally, I decided to give it up, and go to bed this year, and forget celebrating New Year's entirely. I mentioned it to one of my daughters who was appalled, and absolutely forbid me to do nothing. She actually made me feel guilty for being such a bad sport about the evening entirely, and shamed me into pulling my socks up, sucking it up, and making New Year's Eve plans after all.

Okay, so I'm back in business. I'm having friends over for dinner on New Year's Eve, half a dozen couples I really like and enjoy. I will serve decent food, not fast food this year, we'll play some poker after dinner, I've hired a DJ, and those who want to will dance….and the midnight moment will come….people will kiss. I won't. And I'll survive. And maybe next year will be better, and New Year's Eve will be more fun. Or maybe it will be just fine to be with friends, celebrate the evening, and share a new year with friends, EVEN without getting kissed at midnight. It is what it is. And I have a feeling I'll be fine….they'll play Auld Lang Syne, and I'll be nostalgic for a minute, the clock will strike midnight, I wont turn into a pumpkin, I won't lose the glass slipper (I'll be sure not to wear my glass slippers that night!!), and the new year will arrive, just as it does every year. And we'll start the new year together. Sometimes you just have to make the best of it, and enjoy being with good friends. I usually have the best time on the nights I don't expect to…..so maybe it will be a great New Year's Eve after all…..I'm counting on it….and if it isn't, I can always go to bed and pull the covers over my head next year….but this year I'm going to be a good sport about it…..again. I hope your New Year's Eve, and the whole year to follow afterward will be fabulous!!! Happy New Year!!!

Much Love, Danielle

Fly Safe

After the tragedy of 9/11, someone said to me that travel would never be the same in this country again. It seemed an odd thing to say, when the real focus was on so many lives lost, and such a shocking betrayal and attack on our own turf. I suppose the people who experienced Pearl Harbour felt the same way. Other than those two events, I can't think of any other attacks on American soil, by people from a foreign country. And yes, things have changed since. Like any terrible event, once you know it can happen, life is forever changed.

But the prediction about travel in this country, as a sidebar to that, and directly related to it, certainly turned out to be true as well. We now stand in security lines for hours at airports, taking half our clothes off to go through the metal detector, we get frisked, patted down, wanded, felt up, felt down, trot around the airport in bare feet (yerghk!!!), and recently I was offered the opportunity (and declined it, fortunately it was optional) to go through a machine at airport security that shows you naked on the films. Great, I'm afraid they're a few years too late on that one, if ever, and the woman who offered me that easily resistible opportunity assured me that they 'get rid of the films later'—-yeah, to whom? The National Enquirer? Just what I want to see while buying my groceries, standing at the check out stand at Safeway, is me naked at the airport. No, thanks. I passed on that one. Besides, I'm used to being frisked now. Not to mention the fact that they throw away your make up, your toothpaste, any liquid, and treat you like a criminal if you have an Evian bottle in your purse. And honestly, I don't mind the intense security, it reassures me that if I can't get my make up onto the plane (I now check it through), hopefully some terrorist can't get a bomb on either. Let's hope. Although occasionally I wonder if while they are going through every paper in my briefcase, and eyeing me with suspicion—-are they missing someone really suspicious further down the line? I look pretty harmless when I travel, and still follow my grandmother's rule about being 'properly dressed' when you travel or fly. I've slipped a little, and am more casual than I used to be, but I still look pretty respectable when I fly. And they still go over me with a fine tooth comb anyway. It's just part of travelling now, although not a lot of fun to spend an additional hour in the airport before a flight, to accommodate the long lines, frisking, patting, and search through my handbag (Good luck if they can find anything in my purse, I sure cant.)

But what I was reminded of recently, as 3 of my children flew home for Thanksgiving, and all called before they took off—–I was reminded of something I have noticed again and again in the 9 years since 9/11, which really makes me sad. It is something that has changed radically between my children and me. Before 9/11, we were always a family that travelled a lot. I have family in France and Germany, I spend a fair amount of time there and always did, many of my kids went to college in the East, I do business in New York, and we move around a lot, so travel is not new to us, and it seems like every week, one of us is going somewhere, and always did. And we travel for pleasure too. In the past, all of us got on planes, went where we were going, didn't think about it, and didn't communicate with each other en route, until we walked through the door of wherever we were going, if then. Travelling and flying was just something we did, and considered commonplace. Calling me to say goodbye from the airport would have seemed silly, and if I had called them before the plane took off they would have thought me ridiculous. What's wrong with Mom? Is she sick? But not so anymore. Remembering those fateful flights on 9/11 where everyone lost their lives, as soon as we began flying again after 9/11 (and not long after, albeit somewhat nervously), each child called me just as they got on the plane to say "I love you, Mom". It was as simple as that, and it gripped my heart as they started to do it. Suddenly, each child was calling me from whatever plane they were on, before take off, and before they told them to shut off their phones. And I realized that they weren't just telling me they loved me, but it was a way of saying goodbye to me 'just in case'. And often their last call before take off was followed up by a text, again telling me they loved me, and my rapid response also by text, telling them I loved them too. And the term 'fly safe' became part of our travel vocabulary as part of that goodbye. Within a short time, I began doing it too, calling each of them before I flew, and I have a lot of kids!!! Now as I drive to the airport, or am driven, I call to tell them I'm leaving, and tell them I love them, and I call or text each of them to tell them when I land and arrived safely.

What it implies very clearly is that none of us feel fully safe anymore when we travel, that we realize that a terrorist can change our lives forever in an instant, that flying has now become risky business and nothing is sure anymore. Whereas people used to be afraid of plane crashes, now they are afraid that a terrorist might recreate 9/11. It saddened me greatly to realize that my children now feel so unsafe, that they realize they might not survive some random ordinary flight that they wouldn't have thought about as risky before. They want to say 'goodbye' to me before they go, in a touching, poignant way that is the direct result of that terrible day of 9/11. And I who am a relatively fearless and constant flyer feel it too. I won't leave the ground now without telling each of them how much I love them, so that will be the last they heard from me 'if anything happens'. None of us have expressed in words why we make those calls now, but we all know. And the need to say 'fly safe' has become an almost superstitious ritual, because our safety in the air is not quite so sure anymore as it was before 9/11. I never erase my children's pre flight text messages now until they have safely reached their destination.

I don't mind being frisked by strangers in the airport, or standing with my arms and legs wide while someone turns the waistband of my slacks inside out, or walking across the filth on the airport floor in stockings or bare feet, but I mind so much that each of my children realizes now, even if unspoken, that their I love you call to me from the plane might be the last time we speak, and they want to tell me that they love me, or hear it from me, one last time before we fly, 'just in case'. How incredibly sad that young people have to think now, each time before they fly, that their lives might be in jeopardy and they might never reach their destination, because of a random act of terror (and not a mechanical failure of the plane, which could happen too, but is far less likely. Statistically, flying is far safer than driving on a highway).

I had a bout of fear of flying in my early 20′s, and took a wonderful fear of flying class, offered by United Airlines then. It got me flying again with no problem, and ever since, I take one, two even three flights a day sometimes to make connections, without problem or second thoughts. But about 4 of my children are afraid to fly now, and have really had to wrestle with it since 9/11. They are anxious now, although they have grown up on airplanes and never thought about it before. Now they really don't like to fly.

But as three of my children called me this morning from the airport, before they got on flights home from the various cities where they live, they told me how much they love me, they sent me a text right after we talked, and before we hung up I told them to 'fly safe'. So much feeling and fear wrapped up in those two awkward words…..fly safe….please don't let anything happen to you….please God keep them safe….please know how much I love you…..fly safe….come home….and don't let a 9/11 happen to anyone ever again…..I was struck again by how much fear we are all left with after 9/11, not just the inconvenience, even if we are not overtly conscious of it, after these 9 years of intense security at the airports…..fly safe…..I am so sorry that my children feel a need to say goodbye to me and tell me how much they love me, before every flight now. How sad, and what a terrible price we have all paid for that fateful day……fly safe….forevermore, and may no one ever attack us on our turf again. May our lives be safe, and those of our loved ones, on the ground or in the air….fly safe….be safe…..

Love, Danielle

The Relationship You Have…..

Once upon a time, a long time ago, a very wise and dear friend said to me that the relationship you have with someone is the one you HAVE, not the one you wish you had, would like to build, hope to have one day, but the one you have RIGHT NOW. I think many of us tend to live in the future, and in our hopes and dreams (and who can blame us. sometimes whatever we're dealing with right now is so tough that the only thing that gives us hope is dreaming that things will change and be different). This friend said it to me when I was dealing with a difficult relationship/marriage, and I kept thinking "If Only" this or that would change, or if I just hung on a little longer, or if we just understood each other better, or if I could just be more patient or more what he wanted, or he what I wanted, then everything would work out fine and we'd have the relationship we wanted and felt we deserved, and had both been waiting for. And maybe sometimes that's true, but she pointed out to me, that the difficult relationship we had was EXACTLY the one we'd had since the beginning, and none of our problems had changed. I was sure it would get better one day. And eventually, we both gave up, and you know what? She was absolutely right, the relationship I had with him was exactly the same from beginning to end. That was the relationship we had, and it was never good.

I still forget her wise advice sometimes and find myself fantasizing about people/men, that after things calm down in his life, or his children do x or y, or his ex wife or current wife turns into a different person, or he does… Or that people will become more compassionate or understanding about me. And then I remember my friend Julie's words to me, about the relationship we have being the one we have in reality, not the one we wish for or think/hope it will become one day. Her words were a real dose of reality for me. And in fact, every difficult relationship I've ever had stayed the same (or got worse) for exactly the same reasons it didn't work in the first place. Whatever those component parts are (or personality traits in one or both of you) that make it not work are the givens in the relationship and they don't change. I have done some serious wishing and hoping in relationships, and sometimes hung on for years thinking things would improve, but in the end, when I walked away, or they did, we had the same inadequate dysfunctional relationship we had in the very beginning. It took me a long time to learn that lesson and realize how true Julie's words were.

I haven't thought about it in a while, or had reason to, and then today I remembered Julie's words, not for a sad reason, but a pleasant one for a change. I was thinking about a dear friend whom I've enjoyed spending time with and what a great time we've had together, just doing fun things, shopping, eating, walking, cooking, talking, sharing views about life and the world, and what an enormous pleasure it has been every time we spend time together. And I suddenly realized that Julie's words are apt not just for bad relationships, but for good ones, and maybe even for friendships as well as relationships of all kinds. The relationship you have with that person is the one you HAVE, not the one you wish for. It makes relationships in all forms a real gift. And what a joy to spend time with someone who likes you, respects you, enjoys you, admires you, just as you admire them and enjoy spending time with them. What a pleasure not to be picked on, criticized, pushed and pulled and 'beaten up' emotionally for everything they think you should be and they wish you were, but instead what a joy to be with someone who likes/ loves you just as you are, and you feel the same way about them. Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or a family relationship, I can't think of anything better. So as I thought about it, I was reminded today that the relationship you have with someone is truly the one you have. And with luck, that relationship is just the way you both want it to be. What a gift!!! Thinking about it today made me grateful to my wise friend Julie yet again. Her words to me were an enormous gift.

Love, Danielle

Expecting A Different Result

If it sounds like I'm complaining all the time, I apologize, but writing to you gives me the chance to talk about the things I care about, that hurt me, or I wish for, or I've learned, (or wish I hadn't). None of us are exempt from life's lessons, and talking about them somehow puts them into sharper focus and perspective. And basically, we're all in the same boat, facing the same problems, in one form or another. Success, fame, age, or even wisdom and experience are not always a shield or a guarantee against making mistakes. I make plenty of them—–we all do—-and sometimes it helps to share those moments of truth or ephiphanies with others. And then you think, "duh" (as my children would say), how could I have been so stupid. When you say it out loud, it's so obvious. But it's not always obvious when you're going through it, to any of us.

I am cursed (and I am beginning to think it's a curse as well as a blessing) with basic optimism, and a profund faith and belief in people. We know that hasn't always turned out right. I'm divorced, like everyone else I've been disappointed, most of you know that I was embezzled and discovered it in the last couple of years, so I'm no smarter than anyone else, and possibly less so. But part of my basic make up is that profund faith I have in people that they are basically decent, that they will behave better next time, that if you treat them fairly and honestly, they will do the same to you. I know it's naive, but I hate the thought of being suspicious of everyone. Although, let's be real, I would not re-hire the person who embezzled from me. I may be optimistic, but I'm not totally stupid!!!

Whenever people ask me for quote that I'm particularly fond of, I always think of the quote from Anne Frank, that defines how I feel about life and people: "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are truly good at heart." I love that, and also the quote from Albert Einstein that says "The only life worth living is a life lived in service to others". Both of those are my favorite quotes.

Having said that, there is also a very worthwhile saying in 12 Step Groups (like AA, NA, Coda, and all of those groups that are based on the 12 step model, which I have always been impressed by). It says that "Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity." And I will admit to you that in my life, I have been guilty of that particular kind of insanity at times. And I have learned that people's behaviour toward you in the past is the best predictor of how they will continue to behave and treat you in the future, and who they are. Most people dont' change, even if we think they should or wish they would. But sadly, if they have treated you badly, they are liable to do it again, possibly worse next time, if you give them that opportunity. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering that, or believing it. Because admitting it means that they really meant to treat you badly, it wasn't an accident, or an oversight, or a mistake, they actually meant to do whatever they did, no matter what the consequences to you. That's when my optimism and faith in people can be a curse, because I have a hard time believing that some people are as rotten or nasty or ill intentioned as they seemed to be (not all people, just some people occasionally), and really meant to hurt me. You mean it wasn't a mistake? No. They weren,t just confused? No. Some people just aren't nice. Sad reality, but the truth. And I need to remind myself of that at times.

This moment of philosophy came up because a once very dear friend was very dishonest with me about ten years ago, and really upset me badly and hurt my feelings. It was a shocking blow at the time, and impacted our friendship forever. It has never been quite the same since, or even close. Before that, we were like family, since then, we have been cautious (on my part) and distant friends. And a few months ago, that same person began trying to be closer again, showed all the appealing traits that made me trust them and love them a long time ago. And I decided that I had been too harsh in my judgements, told myself not to be so unforgiving, and give them another chance. I did. And within three months, that same person was dishonest with me, manipulated me shamelessly and disappointed me again. I can't blame the other person this time, but only myself, for being trusting and believing that things (and that person) had changed. I thought perhaps time had healed them, or taught them something. Apparently nothing. The same dishonest person that spoiled our friendship ten years ago has just done the same thing. Only this time I don't really care, I didnt have as much invested in the friendship, and I am disappointed but not injured. But what a lesson and reminder it has been, that in fact people's previous bad behaviour really is a an indicator of what you can expect from them in future. I get it. And I won't be fooled again.

It really is too bad. It would be nice to think that people can do it better next time, want to be more honest, and demonstrate something better next time after they screw up. But some people are just never going to change, or even improve. And with all due respect to Anne Frank, I too believe that, in spite of everything, people are truly good at heart…..some people….not all people, and some people have adequately demonstrated that they dont deserve my love, friendship or trust. It's a hard lesson, particularly for someone who is basically optimistic (and always thinks things will be better next time), and one who belives in the decency of the human race. But unless we want to get hurt again and again, sometimes we have to learn the lesson, and swallow the bitter pill that not all people are good people, and some have shown us just what kind of inferior treatment we can expect from them. Lesson learned. It makes us sadder and wiser, but once they've shown us who they are, if they're not good people, we have no choice but to protect ourselves. I had a wake up call and reminder this time. And this time, I will quietly put that friendship in a drawer, with old souvenirs and past memories, and move on. I won't be trusting that person again. Maybe you've had an experience like that too. Some people just disappoint us every time. We can't teach them, or show them, or explain it or change them, we just have to acknowledge what we can expect from them, and move on. So……moving on…….and hopefully the next experience will be better!!! There is nothing more precious than a faithful friend whom you can rely on and trust, and nothing worse than a bad one who is not worthy of your friendship. Some people just aren't. It's a reality of life. Lesson learned.

Love, Danielle

Giving Thanks

As you all know, I talk a lot about gratitude, and how important I think it is. And I love knowing that there is a holiday dedicated to that idea. I know, it's about family and food, and sharing a good meal with friends, and we all fret and stress about who's doing the cooking, do we have enough, is the turkey too dry and who will carve it, and we groan over the one guest someone invited that no one likes (but maybe really needed a place to go). Squabbles break out, children show up in ridiculous outfits, or arrive late (so the turkey gets even dryer), or relatives have too much to drink and misbehave…..any family gathering is bound to be fraught with the kind of stresses which distract us from the bigger picture or the smaller one. But usually at some point in the Thanksgiving weekend, amidst all the fuss and hubbub, I somehow get a quiet moment, usually late at night, and suddenly remember what it's about…..being thankful, being grateful for all those big and small blessings that we often take for granted, the fact that we have a family to be with, that we are together (no matter how stressful, or how weird our relatives are, most people's are), or that we are with friends if we don't have family to be with. No matter what the day looks like, there is something to be thankful for, from earlier in the year if not on that day.

Long ago, I had some very lonely Thanksgivings, at a very small table, and even now, nothing in life is perfect—no matter how many laughing, smiling people we are at our dinner table, there will always be an ache in my heart over the one person who isn't there: my son Nick, who died at 19 (he would always come downstairs wearing something totally outrageous on Thanksgiving, and have to be sent back to his room to change (usually several times!!!), and oh how I miss that now!!! Not to mention the year he showed up in clown pants with a red tie with GIANT white polka dots, and of course I sent him back to put a suit on (he was 14 or 15 and full of fun and mischief, with a wicked sense of humor!!….and the final version was always handsome and respectable, whew!!! But until we got there, I did some serious complaining!!!)……my three married older kids usually go to their in-laws on Thanksgiving, so we are all together for Christmas, but not on Thanksgiving…..so there is always something missing in all our lives on these special days, no matter how perfect and joyful they seem from the outside….in my more solitary days, before I married and had many children, I came across a quote in the Bible once that stayed with me and said "God places the solitary in families", and he certainly did that for me, and a very big family at that. But there are other kinds of families that feed our souls too, families made up of friends, and good people we enjoy. And some years, there is no one to be with, and maybe then, we can be of use to others who need our help even more. But whoever we spend Thanksgiving with, or how we spend it, if we can find one tiny thing to be grateful for, it makes the day worthwhile…..I hope that your Thanksgiving is filled with blessings, people you love, a great turkey and good times….but even if you spend it quietly, or even alone, I hope that gratitude touches and warms your heart. One of my favorite Thanksgivings was the year that someone put our turkey back in the freezer the night before (don't ask me why), and when I woke up on Thanksgiving morning, at dawn, to cook the turkey, it was of course frozen rock solid, and I spent the morning dashing to small, local markets that were open, to buy a bunch of chickens, which I cooked for our Thanksgiving dinner. I started out really annoyed about it, and by the end of the morning, I was laughing at the absurdity of it….and the chickens didn't take nearly as long to cook, and weren't as dry!!! Everyone loved it!!!. However you spend the day, I hope it warms your heart, and that there are smiles and grateful moments in it for you. I hope that your Thanksgiving is filled with blessings in abundance, even if not obvious ones, and I hope that no matter what, you find one thing to be thankful for. If so, it will light up your day. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Love, Danielle

YES or NO? Or maybe…

This is a big subject for me, and one I care about a lot. Clarity. Easy to say, but not always easy to deliver, and offerred less often than one would like. As I've told you before, I dont make New Year's resolutions. I hate breaking promises, even to myself. When I promise to do something, I want to be as close to certain as I can be that I will do it. Things can change, new circumstances can arise, entirely unexpected and unforeseen, that can change one's ability to deliver (like a high fever or an illness preventing you from meeting a friend, even if you promised). But generally, if I promise to do something, I will move heaven and earth, to the best of my ability, to do it. I am a woman of my word, and I dont take promises lightly—–so I'm not going to make resolutions that I wont eat cake, or chocolate, or smoke, when more than likely, I won't keep my word. It's a big deal to me. So if I promise you something, you can be certain that I will do my damnedest to do it. Count on it.

One of my big problems, and I think I'm not alone in this, is that I find it hard to say no. A friend asks me to do something, often that I don't want to do, or don't have time for, and I don't want to hurt their feelings, so I say yes. Urrgghjjjkkkk….and then my feelings about making promises enter into it, and I feel I have to do it, no matter what—-and I wish I hadn't promised. I find it hard to say no to children or friends, and particularly the man in my life. Their wish is my command—-I come from a generation where women were taught to say yes to their men. The man was king. No matter that I was juggling 3 jobs, or 9 kids, or whatever else I was doing. Yes, darling, of course. No is the hardest word in the world for me to say—-I don't want to hurt people's feelings or disappoint them. It is agonizingly hard for me to say no—–at some things I draw the line obviously, anything I think is immoral, dishonest, or wrong. But if it's something that requires my time and energy, and sacrificing my own, I can't get the word 'no' out of my mouth. It tastes like poison. A friend of mine wrote a wonderful book called "The Answer is No, If That's Okay With You", it's about how hard it is for most women to say no. It has been hard for me to say no all my life. I'm working on it, but it's not easy. I'm always too willing to sacrifice myself and what I need or want in order not to disappoint someone else. And couple that with a promise, where I feel honor bound to do it, like it or not, and I'm screwed.

But the thing I really hate is Ambiguity. When nothing is clear. When people don't tell you plainly what they mean, or worse try to give you one impression (like yes), and mean something else (like no). Ambiguous situations have been my curse all my life. And although I dont make new Year's resolutions, I occasionally make promises to myself, and try to keep them. Earlier this year, I made such a promise: No more ambiguous situations in my life, of people who say one thing and mean something else, or intentionally try to confuse me—–I no sooner made that promise to myself, when a whole flock of new ambiguous situations landed on me like birds. And let me tell you, it is one thing I hate. I have been in love with men who gave me the 'impression' they loved me, and really didn't. Who were leaving me and wouldn't admit it clearly, or were cheating and swore they weren't. I have known one man for 20 years who always hints at the fact that he cares for me 'deeply', but really doesnt, and has never gone anywhere with it, but always hints that he will. I pay no attention to him now. There are married men mostly in Europe who feel that if they no longer love their wife, or even like her, that makes them free and virtually single (try telling that to the Judge!!). In my book, hating your wife doesnt make you single or give you license to date others, it just makes you a cheater. I don't want someone else's husband, and married men are not 'free', they are heartbreaks waiting to destroy your life. I know other married men, still in Europe, who hint that they will leave their wife IF you get involved with them….yeah, whatever….just another heartbreak waiting to happen. I had one man who barely knew me swear he was madly in love with me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, (this info sent by email of course, which is a minefield of false emotions and information, where the cowardly get brave, but only briefly, and then chicken out again), only to find that he wouldn't have dinner with me when we were in the same city. HUH? My last husband prided himself on being 'the master of the double message", and indeed he was. We're good friends now, but those double messages are painful and wreak havoc with your life. He cancelled our wedding twice, talk about ambiguous, finally married me, then divorced me, and after he divorced me, still wanted to spend vacations together and occasional nights. That's about as ambiguous as it gets. Do you want/love me or not???? We've been divorced now for many years, he's a wonderful person, but ambiguity as a way of life doesn't work for me. After that very confusing experience, I once said that I want a relationship where I don't need a shrink, three psychics, 10 friends, 2 priests and a box of tea leaves to figure out what's going on. Ambiguity really is a bitch. Just tell me what you think, what you want, what you know, if you love me, or don't. Sometimes, we honestly dont know. Sometimes we really need time to figure things out. Sometimes we dont know if we love someone or just wish we did, or if we're done and wish we weren't. But it's better to just say that. 'I dont know' is a reasonable answer. I'm not sure. I need time to figure this out. I can live with any of that. What I can't stand is when people give me one impression and really mean something else. They want me to think they love me (just to keep me on hold and interested) and mean something else (the real answer is no, but they just won't say it). I hate pretend games, and lack of clarity, in any situation. If I don't get the job, or the man, or don't qualify, or you don't like me, or like me but don't love me——-just say it!!! I hate playing games, or having games played with me. It's not fair. And some people don't know how to do it any other way. Maybe they're not honest with themselves, or they know exactly what's going on and what isn't, and they don't want to be honest with you. I want to avoid those situations, and those people, like the plague!!! And I try to. But I seem to be a magnet for ambiguous people. It's okay to be scared, or not to know, or to need time. But it's not okay to give people an impression that simply isn't true. That's just plain mean.

Years ago, I had been plagued with game players, ambiguous situations and dishonest men, and along came the man I then married, who became the father of 8 of my 9 children. He was simple, he was straightforward, he was clean in his dealings with me, he knew what he wanted and didn't, and he said it, and he wanted me. We got engaged in 6 weeks and married 4 months later. And I'm not saying you have to rush anything, you can be engaged for 10 years if you want, or never get engaged or marry, but just say what you think or want. His honesty with me was so refreshing. We were married for 18 years, with 8 kids as a result of that marriage. It didn't last forever, but 18 years is a hell of a good run these days, and we have great kids. And he was honest when it was over for him too. I always valued his honesty and still do. There was never any ambiguity with him.

So that is my pet peeve. Ambiguity. I am so tired of situations which pretend to be one thing, and are really something else. I can try to adjust to anything, if I know what it is, but dealing with ambiguity is like trying to cross a room full of marbles, you slip and slide, and inevitably wind up flat on your ass and confused. it's all smoke and mirrors, which some people find entertaining. I just don't. I don't like confusion, in business, in relationships, with friends. I like to know where I stand (even if the other person isn't sure, it's okay to say that too. Relationships are complicated and sometimes take time, even a long time, to figure out. That's honest), and I try to be clear with other people. No more ambiguous situations in my life…..that's a resolution I really want to keep!!!

Love, Danielle