Bev Baker's Blog, page 6
July 27, 2016
Take back your life…
The other day I was having quite a heated debate with a family member who was intent on telling me that according to the ‘experts’ …the world will cease to exist in 2050. I know we are going through a bad patch at the moment but I am a little fed up with people predicting the future as if they were ‘Mystic Meg’ at the circus. Analysts, politicians and gurus’ …one after another are intent on whip us up into a frenzy of doom and gloom based on their particular version of the truth. They present it in such a convincing way that it is all too easy to pass responsibility over to them. But, the leaders on the world stage have shown us over the past weeks that they are just as confused and conflicted as the rest of us. In a nutshell nobody knows what is going on.
Introducing Schrödinger’s cat
Consider this question.
Put a cat in a box with some poison and leave it there for about an hour. Now just BEFORE you open the box… pause and answer this question”
“Is the cat dead or is the cat alive?”
This is the hypothetical question that the Physicist Erwin Schrödinger asked his colleagues to highlight the dangers of certain ways of thinking in quantum mechanics. Now let’s borrow his cat and use it as a metaphor to ask a bigger question.
Consider this question.
Will you wake up tomorrow?
There is only one sensible answer to both those questions. We can huff and puff as much as we like…but the answer is: We don’t know.
Given that we don’t know the answer to life’s little and big questions…observing that most of us don’t have a clue what going when it comes to our leaders and considering that none of us makes it out of life alive isn’t time to take our lives back.
-We need to be careful about the information that we receive and take in to our minds. We need to be discerning and tough with the truth. We know that there are terrible things happening in the world but ask yourself do you need to hear it every time you turn on tune in or plug in. It is all too easy to feel overwhelmed ‘tragedy weary’ and suffer from ‘empathy fatigue’. Watch out for feelings of negativity and depression. Take a step back.
-Be careful with our words and particular when we are around young people who will have to pick up the pieces further on down the line. We need to be careful before we run our mouths off in front of children. I notice all sorts of graphic conversations in the presence of children. Just as adults are horrified and affected by the news, children are taking stuff in as well and soaking up information, speculations and fear passively and without filter.
-Now is not the time to disappear in to the past, desperately seeking information and indicators that will give us some clues how to proceed will not help matters. If there is one thing that we can learn from the past is that we do not learn from the past. There are only three things that we need from the past…a) the lessons learnt…b) the good memories… c) the knowledge that you made it. Based on what you have seen and what you have been through and with whom… you have enough resources and resilience to make it through whatever life throws at you and what you do not know…you’ll figure it out. Trust yourself. .
-Take back control of your life by making your own decisions and choices. Tough as it may seem this is the only way to peace and happiness…trust me.
–Live in the here and now. It is super important for you to focus on right now no matter how hard it all may seem. Do not put your life on hold for anything nor anyone. If you do not live in the now and you plan for the future you will never enjoy your life because when the future that you have planned for arrives you will already be planning for the future. Develop a sense of urgency. Stop putting things off until tomorrow. Do it now. Say it now!
Think to yourself and say this mantra when you feel flustered and out of it
“All problems that I cannot deal with right this minute are gone from my energy field…Now!
Skilful empathy…Focus your empathy on the people who are close to you and that matter to you. The root emotion of empathy is love. Tell folk that you love and appreciate them often. Be kind. Make someone’s day. The enemy of empathy is apathy and since you can’t do as much as you’d perhaps like for the people who are suffering you need to focus your empathy like a laser beam on your family and friends. Give them the best of you. Make sure that their lasting memory of you is always one of you smiling.
And this too will pass
The world is having a moment… having a real rough time. So we need to get mentally tough. We need to live in the moment. Savour every moment. Because as sure as night follows day… bad times will go and bad times will come. It is the nature of things. Our job is to recognise the good times and enjoy them to the max and find happiness wherever we can. When the bad times come…we dig in and we dig deep. Go hard or go home is the order of the day!
I am not an expert in what the future hold but of one thing I am sure. All the people around the world who are having a tough time would give anything to be where you are right now. Don’t let them down my suffering… because then all their suffering will be in vain. And if we were able to ask all the people who have lost their lives under tragic circumstances:
“What would you do if you had your life to live again?”
They are not here…but what would they say:
Finish the sentence for them…
20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
Leave Blank:Do Not Change:
Your email:
Do Well!!
Want to read more…order my books on Amazon.
Mind Synergy
Engineer In Heels
July 26, 2016
Confidence is not only for the birds!
July 20, 2016
Why relationships go bad
Everyone is looking for that someone that completes them. We have been raised on a hefty dose of ‘happy ever after’. In the movies boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy finds girl and they all live happily ever after. All of this takes place in ninety minutes, including whimsical music and credits. But we never get to see what actually happens after. We never get any detailed information about how to deal with the nitty gritty and sometimes shitty bits about being with another person. What is the purpose of a relationship? Where do we get our ideas about relationships from? The movies…our parents…friends. All of us want the best from our relationships but many of us have unrealistic expectations, assumptions and unconscious agendas about how things should be. When the reality doesn’t match the fantasy our love can quickly turn sour.
After many years as a couples’ therapist…
Here’s why relationships fail…
Many people love the idea of love. They dream about ‘falling in love’. They want to meet the person who completes them rather than looking for a person to share their life with. The whole premise of ‘falling in love’ is conditional and therein lies the problem. What we actually fall for is the passion…the romance…the giddiness and not a real life person. Once the mist clears who we are left with may not match up to the dream. Many people find themselves in a relationship with someone they hardly know; let alone love.
-Conditional love is a polarized emotion and that means it has an opposite. The opposite of love is anger and hate. When we love someone conditionally, we tend to want them to look, act, and think in ways that fit our unconscious agendas. We hold them accountable to our unconscious agendas in order to get our affection. If they act the way we want them to, we express our approval; if they act contrary to our wishes, we withhold our expression of acceptance of them. Conditional love means that people cannot be themselves…nor can they do what they want to do…hold their values, views or opinions. They can only be what their partner wants them to be.
-Everyone enters into a relationship with an expectation or history but some people come with baggage or damage from previous relationships. They dump all their pain, suspicion and jealousy at the new partner’s door for them to deal with. Thy come like wounded animals expecting the new partner to be able to read their minds, be their therapist and deal with all sorts of crazy behaviour.
Here’s how relationships fail…
-Miscommunication is the killer of all relationships bar none. Couples argue in healthy relationship… of course they do. It is normal to have a dis-agreement, retreat for a while to clear the air. Communication is the glue that bonds a relationship and is paramount in a relationship that wants to stand the test of time. When there is miscommunication in the relationship everything thing seems to rub the them up the wrong way…they are quick to lose their temper…to blame and accusations…to get the wrong end of the stick…to be offended or insulted… there is no negotiation or seeing the other point of view. Communicating becomes dysfunctional, scoring point and tongue lashings.
– Whenever there is a ‘dis’ in a relationship then the relationship is under threat and is likely to go belly up. Let me list the ‘dises’: 1. Disrespect 2. Disloyal. 3. Dishonesty. 4 distrust 5. Disregard 6. Distain 7. Disenchantment 8. Disinterest. 9. Disillusioned 10. Dissatisfied.
-Routine in a relationship is like death by a thousand tiny blows. Same shit different day syndrome. How many times couple say “We used to go out but now all we do is sit in front of the T.V with our TV dinners”. That has got to be death by a thousand slashes. In the end no one has the energy to turn off the TV, let alone get out of the relationship. Every day is the same. This will kill the relationship stone dead. Routine gives rise to a greater problem. Apathy. Everyone knows there is a problem but no one can be asked to do something about it. You see people like this all the time…doing stuff together and wishing that they were somewhere else; in restaurants…together but a million miles apart; folks at the dinner party that have nothing in common; The couples who are together… because they have nowhere else to go. Routine is a killer.
What is the purpose of a relationship?
That was my question at the top of this post. So now I’ll answer it…
-The only purpose of a relationship is to invite someone into your life to love you as you love yourself. If they cannot give you the love you want then you have to ask yourself what is this relationship about. The only relationship you will ever have is with yourself. When you feel love for another person you express it through you. When you feel love the only thing you can do is express love. Pure and simple. If the love is not built on a solid foundation then the weeds that it was built on, not matter how good intentioned will surface and strangle the relationship.
-The person that you choose to be your partner is a vehicle to help you to know yourself and love yourself. You can never know yourself alone. When your partner pisses you off… there is something in it for you to learn. If you are wise you will learn what pisses you off and better know yourself. It is as simple as that. Being in a relationship is the greatest self-development lesson you will ever get. And guess what. If you do not learn from the first and the second you will be destined to repeat the same lessons with different people until you get it. Until you get you!
-Once upon a time a sage said to me that relationships were hard work. I looked at them as if they were mad. How hard can a relationship be if you loved one another? I can now testify that being in a meaning relationship is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life!
-It is a contradiction in terms but a relationship with someone is all about you. It is never about changing another person that is not your role in a relationship. If you are still growing having fun and learning lots then stick around if you are ‘feeling less than’ then pack your bags and move on.
I will leave you with this wonderful quote from Eartha Kitt the amazing actress and jazz singer.
“The purpose of a relationship is to fall in love with yourself and then invite someone to share you with you”
Amen Miss Kitt…I’ll drink to that!
20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
Leave Blank:Do Not Change:
Your email:
Do Well!!
Want to read more…order my books on Amazon.
Mind Synergy
Engineer In Heels
Why relationships go bad
July 13, 2016
Is Somebody You Know A Narcissist…
Do you have a friend, family member or work for a boss who is a narcissist… if so hold on tight because sooner or later you are going to be in for a very bumpy ride. We all know someone who cannot pass a mirror without inspecting themselves or the person who turns getting ready to go out into an art form. I am not talking about these people. There is nothing wrong with a healthy narcissistic streak. What I am referring to here is the 10% of the population that display borderline or fully blown narcissistic personality disorders.
What is narcissistic personality disorder…?
-Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem and a very disturbed individual. The narcissist is crazy because they hate themselves but they want everyone else to love them.
-Narcissists feed off of the discomfort of their victims. That’s how they get their kicks. The more uncomfortable, confused and anxious the person feels the stronger the narcissist becomes. Think about it this way… normal People chew gum… narcissists chew people and split them out.
-The word narcissist comes from the Greek mythological character Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection in a lake. He finally pined away when he realised that the object of his desire did not exist outside of himself.
-The narcissist has a very complex personality. They are self-centred, self-absorbed and self-obsessed human beings. Under the charming exterior they have all the feelings of a shark. They never do nice things they do calculated things. If they give someone a compliment it is strategic. If they do anything for anyone it is planned so that they will benefit. They pretend that they are relaxed but they are far from it. Everything to them is about scoring points and winning… at all cost. The narcissist may come across as if they care about people but they don’t…all they want is to come across as the hero, the savour or the martyr.
-The narcissist does not like it when someone is more successful, more talented, younger or thinner than them. Other people’s success stories takes the focus off of them.
How to spot a narcissist
The DMS-IV is the bible were all known mental disorders are listed. The DMS-IV list the narcissist personality disorder traits as:
-Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. They love what they call ‘high end’ and designer stuff.
– Narcissist are preoccupied with their success, power, brilliance, beauty.
they believes that they are “special” or “gifted” and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
-Requires excessive admiration, flattery and compliments.
-Has a sense of entitlement. They treat people as their property.
-They have no filters. When a narcissist has a temper tantrum it is epic.
-Just like psychopaths they have no empathy or feelings of others.
– Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
– They can be arrogant, rude and abusive behaviour.
-No matter what happens the narcissist is always right they will never back down or say sorry.
-The narcissist has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. Their public face is charm itself, but they are quite the opposite in private.
How the narcissist works
The narcissist is a predator and they use Gaslighting as one of their techniques to get their victim into their web.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victim an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment.
The intention is to, in a systematic way, target their victim’s mental balance, self-confidence, and self-esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. The term “Gaslighting” comes from the 1944 Hollywood classic movie called ‘Gaslight’. The film is a twisted tale of how the perpetrator uses all sorts of manipulative resources to let his young wife think she is going crazy so that he can have her institutionalised and get her money.
The 3 stages of Gaslighting
Idealization stage
The first is the “idealization stage” or the honeymoon period. The narcissist chooses a victim. In the beginning the narcissist gives the victim a lot of attention and seeks to become their best friend. This is part of their plan so that the victim drops their guard. All information disclosed is stored by the narcissist to be used later. They want to know everything about their victim. They admire them. They mirror them. They even put the victim on a pedestal. The narcissist is charming, generous loving, charming, and flirtatious, energetic, exciting, and great fun to be with. The victim falls under their spell.
Devaluation stage
In this stage the victim’s falls from grace is a hard one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists admiring words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn. The narcissist uses offensive language… name calling…uses the silent treatment…withholds information…lies…ridicule and blame. They will even try to break down the victims support structure by criticising the victim’s friends and family. Totally confused, the victim has idea what is happening, and they become stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation. The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour, the victim works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hope of getting the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe. The narcissist despises who their supply person has become; they view them as powerless, inferior and worthless victims, but at the same time, their worthless prey is providing them with a bountiful amount of narcissistic food. Therein lays the paradox; the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become narcissistic food for the abuser, and the more important and powerful the abuser gets to feel.
The discard stage
In this phase, the game come/h3s to its final conclusion. Once the narcissist has sucked their victim dry, their ardor for the game dampens because in their eyes they have won the contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind.
How to survive a narcissist
-Whatever you do no not react and do not argue. Narcissist feed of your reaction. The more confused or dismayed you appear the better they feel. Your reaction is their food. The more uncomfortable you feel the better they feel. To the narcissist disordered way of thinking your uncomfortableness is a demonstration of your weakness and their strength. The narcissist get off on your misery. So if you want to swim with a shark…swim faster or do not bleed
-Try on to be alone with a narcissist. Stay in a group so that you do not get singled out.
– Trust your judgement if you feel there is something wrong go with your instincts.
-If the narcissist is a friend or family then you need to establish boundaries. The narcissist doesn’t see you as an equal they see you as property and they will take all sorts of liberties.
-If the narcissist behaviour is extreme. You will need to ask yourself what exactly you are getting out of this relationship. It is important to have people around you that respect and support you. A narcissist will never be there for you. Never!
– Do not try to take on a narcissist…you will fail as their only point of reference is themselves. Avoidance is the best strategy.
-Finally don’t let someone change who you are so that they get what they need. Work on yourself esteem so that one day you can finally tell the narcissist in your life to get lost!
20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
Leave Blank:Do Not Change:
Your email:
Do Well!!
Want to read more…order my books on Amazon.
Mind Synergy
Engineer In Heels
July 8, 2016
Ideas on Creativity
July 6, 2016
The Games People Play
![boris[1]](https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/hostedimages/1467916046i/19646227._SX540_.jpg)
#mindgames#emotional intelligence#personal development
Over the past few weeks British politics has been likened to the T.V series ‘Game of Thrones’ meets ‘House off Cards’.
There has been a murder…doubling crossing… infighting of epic proportions. Threats… back biting… hidden agenda…twists and turns… the last instalment was one politician falling on his sword and another being stabbed in the back by his friend. You couldn’t make this shit up. If Game of Thrones ever runs out of scripts… all they need to do is look at the state of British politics for new material. The British public have watched the antics unfold with disbelief. It turns out that the whole thing was not about the EU… it was all about power, ambition and control and a set of people who would do anything to get it.
In case you think that this post is an analysis of the political goings and comings of the past weeks it isn’t. What I want to explain is the mind games that people play and I’m going to use the happenings of the past weeks as an example as a masterclass in how to analyse mind games.
What is a mind game?
A mind game is just like a game of chess or monopoly expect it is all played out in the mind. It has a set of rules, manoeuvres and requires players. The ‘games people play’ was developed by the brilliant Psychologist Eric Berne. He was the one that got me hooked on psychology. His work was so famous in the sixties that a pop song was written about it. Check out the ‘The games people’ play Joe South on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5znh5...
Just to set the scene I give you a very simple example of a mind game.
Consider this sentence: “Are you going past the station”. Seems harmless enough doesn’t it? Well on the surface it seems a harmless request to make… but this sentence is very loaded. It is the set up for a mind game. Let’s look at it more closely. What does the person want? Yes….they want a ride to the station. So why don’t they just say that? Have you noticed that some people are less than direct about what they want? To quote Joe South in the song “Oh the games people play…every night and every day…never saying what they mean and never meaning what they say”. Instead they hide behind innuendoes, double talk and hidden agendas. So much so that you need to be Houdini to figure out what’s going on.
Why do people play mind games?
-People play games to confirm what they believe about themselves and what they believe about other people. So if believe that I am stupid I will play silly games and put myself in crazy situation so I can confirm that I am stupid or dumb. If I think I am smarter than everyone else I will play games and set people up just so I can confirm how smart one I am.
-To get what they want without having to ask for it or work for it. The idea is to get people to do things in such a way that the outcome is always as they want it to be. The person who plays mind games is a coward because they do not like to expose their motives for fear that they will be rejected, ridiculed or criticised. Mind game players do not operate on an level playing field. They hide behind hidden agenda and dirty tricks while at the same time appearing to be a regular nice person.
-The game player sees themselves as the star in their own movie, comedy, drama, saga or even a horror story. They play the main character and they are the only one who knows the script and how it all ends. Everyone who wonders into their path are pawns to be used in order to get whatever it is they want.
Do people know they are playing games?
No! The unconscious decision to play games is made early in childhood. To some people mind games is as natural as talking. They become expert game players. This is how they live their lives. Playing and reinforcing the games they play. They have no clue that they are playing a game because the game is synonymous with who they are.
Why do people play games with me?
-The person may have deliberately chosen you to play with…to amuse themselves…to sharpen their act…see if they can score points.
-For a game to be played there must be players and you have something in your personality which is perfect for the game player. It could be that you have a low self-esteem…you are a people pleaser…you have a passive personality… you love being a martyr. All of these personality traits are fodder for the game player.
– You just happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and got pulled into someone else’s drama before you realised what was going on.
– You play the rescuer and you like helping people out but every time you do this you end up being the victim or taken for a ride!
– You take people at face value and you are too trusting.
– You like playing games too.
How do I know I’m being played?
You know you are in a game when you get that ‘WTF’ just happened moment. Any situation where you feel awkward, ill at ease, confused…you feel ‘put down’ …or taken advantaged of…or the scapegoat…or the butt of someone’s jokes…or put in a corner…or made to feel bad/mad/sad…or the victim…is a game.
-If you feel bad around certain people then there’s probably a game of some sort going on.
Can mind games be serious?
Yes they can. Some games can be more or less harmless like the one that I used as an example at the top of this post. There are people who play games in their relationship but not in a good way. People play games at work…messing with your head. There are people who play games with alcohol/drugs/food. There are people that play games with their life…always on the edge or courting danger. Then there are those who play games with other people’s lives…and these are the most dangers of all.
What are the rules of engagement?
According to Eric Berne games have a pattern or a formula.
The formula is: C+N=H >R> S = P.
Games start when a con artist (C) recognising a person’s need (N), is able to hook (H) that person into a predictable response (R), upon which, the con artist then pulls the switch (S), which creates a moment of confusion and both players get the payoff (P) they were playing for.
So now lest go back to the example that I used at the top of this post.
Con artist:
Wants a ride to the station… but says:
Need: “Are you going past the station” They spot the need in the person to be ‘be nice to others’… instead of saying ‘no’ they say:
Hook: “Which station”?
Response: They have an awkward conversation about the location of the station…then con artist says:
Switch: “Normally I would ask but I do not know my way around here… or I shouldn’t have worn these shoes today they are not appropriate for walking…or it will be dark soon and I don’t want to be out walking all alone at this time of night…lays on the guilt. The person accept the guilt trip… plays straight in the other person’s hands … and says
Payoff: “Ok I’ll take you to the station…actually where do you live…I’ll take you home” …
Con artist: “You are so kind…”
In this simple example the con artist get the ride and the victim confirms that they are a nice person.
Now…let’s apply game theory to what happened between Boris Johnson and Michael Gove.
The story so far.
Boris and Michael were friends since university days. They are blue blooded Tories who hashed a plan for one of them to rule the country. I was not privy to the small talk but let’s image it went something like this:
Game on: Michael Gove wants to be Prime Minister but let’s Boris think that it is he Boris who is being groomed from Prime Minister.
Con artist: Michael make an emphatic statement to the world that he didn’t want to be Prime Minister and leads Boris to believe that if they were to get rid of David Cameron then he would be the obvious candidate.
Need: Boris is a very intelligent man but not everyone’s cup of tea. Gove knew that Boris’s weak spot was his need to be Prime Minister, his enormous ego and his insatiable thirst for media attention. The plan was to present Boris as the bumbling toff. Like a Hugh Grant character. The British were subject to endless photo opportunities off Boris looking ridiculous.
Hook: Boris falls for the game and plays it perfectly. Gove at the same time continues with his part of the deal and says: “I will write it in my own blood…I don’t want to be Prime Minister”.
Response: Gove is in it for the long haul and so he waits for his chance. Boris becomes the buffoon. The media starts to label him as such. All is going according to plan. ”
When David Cameron loses the referendum over the EU and Gove seizes his chance.
Switch: Gove waits for David Cameron to resign thus living the post vacant. Just as Boris is gearing up to step forward to run for Prime Minister… Gove announces that he must run from Prime Minister as duty to his country because Boris the Buffoon is “not up for the job”. Boris had been stitched up by a master worthy of a part in Game of Thrones. He cannot deny that he is a buffoon because that was the role he had been set up to play.
Payoff: In Gove’s game he was able to get David Cameron to resign, ruin Boris Johnson’s career and get a clear run for Prime Minister. Gove always wanted to be Prime Minister didn’t feel that he could make it on his own merit. When asked why he thought he couldn’t be Prime Minister he said because he had “no charisma”. So he hatched a plan to get all the big players out of the way. Boris’s ego was his downfall.
How do I get out of a mind game? The whole point of Berne’s work is for you to recognise a game and to nip in the bud. Games are a waste of time and energy.
-You were not put on the planet to get caught up in other people’s foolishness.
-You can’t stop people playing games but you can stop them playing games with you. When you know there is a game there is no game. The whole reason why games have power is because one player doesn’t know what is going on. As soon as you know then you can take back your power.
-If you feel like you are a reluctant player in someone else’s game. Stop…check it out…has this sort of game happened to you in the past? …don’t respond how you normally respond…change the ending. Change the subject. Use humour to dissolve the game. Ask question if you don’t understand. Ask them ‘why’ they are asking. Take time out to see how you feel…. if you smell a rat there is usually a rat. . Refuse to be the victim.
– Cut across the game and expose it. Use open and direct communication. Example “Do you want a lift to the station” By asking the person outright what they want forces them to show their hand. Game over!
Just make sure the game has a happy ending… for you!
Hi ….If you think that you are in a game just send me some info about what’s happening and I’ll let you know…Bev
20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
Leave Blank:Do Not Change:
Your email:
Do Well!!
Want to read more…order my books on Amazon.
Mind Synergy
Engineer In Heels
The Games People Play
June 29, 2016
Don’t worry about a thing…
What is the one thing that most people have in common these days? We do it a lot…and when I say a lot… I mean a lot! It is worrying. Some people worry so much that they would worry if they had nothing to worry about. It has become an art form. Worrying is now part of your 5 a day. If you do not have 5 things to worry about them there must be something wrong with you.
What is worrying…
Worrying is the fear that something might happen before it happens… the feeling of impending danger and not being able to cope. It’s like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain. Worry comes from a malfunction off the emotion fear. Fear is linked to our fight flight mechanism and when working well, gets us out of harm’s way. Worrying is a blip in the flight path. So instead of dealing with the problem as the problem arises. Worrying causes us to fixate and ruminate on the problem again and again as if we were in the movie Groundhog Day. In Groundhog Day the main character, played by Bill Murray must relive the same day over and over again until figures out the key to his life. In essence worrying is a defence mechanism to shield us from and guard us against events that may happen… but have not yet happened and may never happen.
Worrying is madness…
Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair…it gives you something to do but it takes you nowhere. In all my years as a psycho therapist no one has ever said to me that the way they solved all their problems was by worrying.
How can fixating on a problem make it better?
-We think that if we don’t worry and something goes wrong then it will be our fault for not taking the matter seriously enough.
-We think that by obsessing hard enough we can actually control the future.
-We think that anticipating the worst is a good way of investing our time and energy.
Worrying is an absolute waste of time and energy and ultimately waste your life. Worry gives you a shitty live and an early funeral if you’re not careful.
Worrying and the body…
The act of worrying places a lot of stress on the body. It causes the body to go into a state of ‘orange’ alert…a sort of ‘mild’ panic. Now if that sounds like a contradiction in terms…it is! So image the pressure we put on our bodies to maintain this unnatural state. Our bodies are amazing. It is brilliantly efficient. Millions upon millions of cells conspiring together every second of the day to keep you going. Worrying puts the body in a state of confusion it doesn’t know whether it is coming or it is going.
This is because the body is working overtime to deal with the stress that worrying causes. Your body is pumping all sorts of chemicals into you for no apparent reason other than the fact that you are worrying about something that hasn’t happened. These chemicals include cortisone, thyroid hormones, sugar and insulin, cholesterol and adrenalin. Worrying is a huge tax on the body and can leave us exhausted. It can causes physical problems like headaches and insomnia. It can cause behavioural problems like irritability, anxiety attacks, and lack of humour, difficulty in making decisions, and difficulty in concentrating. Excessive worrying is one of the components of stress and lead to all sorts of stress related illness such as heart disease, diabetes, chronic indigestion, colitis not to mention mental illnesses.
Don’t worry…
Mildred is 45 years old and has worried for at least 5 hours a day for 25 years of her life. She started to worry at University and hasn’t look back ever since.
Question: If you added up all the hours that Mildred has worried over the past 25 years…how long has Mildred has been worrying? Think about how many years you have devoted to worrying and ask yourself how if it got you anywhere.
You have been training your mind to worry for years. The operative word in the last sentence is ‘training’. If you have trained yourself to be a worrier then you can ‘uncouple’ yourself from worrying… you can train yourself not to worry. You must have started to worry somehow and for some reason. What was the reason?
Awareness is the first stage to growth and personal development and once you realise that worrying serves no purpose whatsoever decide to put worrying down. Just as you wouldn’t walk around with an empty glass all day… when things have served their purpose…you put them down.
-My therapy school teacher would say if you take something away then you need to put something back. In order to stop worrying successful you will need to fill the space in your life that not worrying will create. Take up a hobby, learn a skill. Help out with a charity. Doing stuff and staying really busy stops worry taking a hold of you.
-Live in the here and now. Predicting the future is not your job. Your job is to live now. Because you can never be in the future. That is why it is called the future. By the time the future that you are worried about arrives it will be the now and it will bring with it a whole new set of circumstances. The truth of the matter is that none of us know if we will be around next week. The future is not guaranteed so we need to be enjoying every moment of our lives.
-The most important ingredient that you need in order to stop worrying is faith. You need to have faith that things will turn out not as you would like it to be but how it is meant to be. You need to believe in yourself and your ability to deal with life as it unfolds. You have solved problems in the past with your resilience, courage and determination and, you can do it again. Worrying does not solve problems. You do!
-Develop strategies to deal with your worrying ways. Ask yourself if the issue is within or outside of your control. If it is inside your control….deal with it! If it is outside of your control… let it go! If you are an advanced worrier then you will have to wean yourself off worrying. Decide to have a worry period in the day were you can worry for the world and his dog. If you decide to worry for 2 hours then worry for 2 hours and then put worrying down. The idea is to make your worry period less and less as time goes by.
Finally worrying is a misuse of your brilliant imagination. If your track record is anything to go by you can deal with anything that comes your way. Why? Because you are here! So in the words of the late great Bob Marley… Don’t worry about a thing cause everything thing gonna be alright!
20 years experience….Consultant and Trainer to large companies including Microsoft and Intel…Subscribe and every 7 – 10 days you will receives… career coaching… life skills and professional advise…from me…Bev
Leave Blank:Do Not Change:
Your email:
Do Well!!
Want to read more…order my books on Amazon.
Mind Synergy
Engineer In Heels
