Nick Cato's Blog, page 28

Those CRAZY 70s!

In my never ending quest to see every obscure low budget 70s film, I came across (no pun intended) a 1972 sex comedy titled THE GODDAUGHTER, which--among other things--just might be a precursor to the current crop of adult films that parody popular movies (not to mention Nunsploitation films).  Thanks to the lunatics at SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO, this disgusting piece of cinematic slime can now be enjoyed outside of seedy urban theaters.  Just make sure the kids aren't home--or your spouse for that matter!
In this goofy spoof of THE GODFATHER, Michael Carrione (!) is the Don--one who is "A f___ing faggot!" according to a member of a rival family who are in attendance at the Don's sister's west coast wedding.  Before you can say INEPT ACTING, a topless woman pops out of a cake and whacks the don by putting a bullet between his eyes.  Said rival family threatens the Carrione's to replace the faggy Don or THEY'LL take over.  The Carrione's learn that the Don has an illegitimate daughter back in Italy, and she comes to America to continue the family business...with one slight catch: she's a nun!  And after the rival family rapes and crucifies her (yeah, this thing gets a bit sick, although none of the violence is convincing), Toni Carrione vows revenge by employing a group of nuns who each have a secret weapon: big booby legend Ushi Diggard (not credited for some reason) offs one gangster by smothering him to death with her mammoth mellons, then shoots another guy in the head with a bullet from her nipple (don't ask).  Another girl, with a mouth full of  metal teeth, castrates two guys (mind you this was 33 years before a similar scene in 2001 MANIACS), and yet another girl strangles one guy to death with her hair as she shoots another guy in the brain with a gun hidden in her ass.  And Toni Carrione herself slides a poison needle into her crotch to off a lesbian family turncoat.  Unbelievable...
Add to this the sleaziest movie producer ever to grace a film (fitted with a HUGE fake johnson to make him live up to his nickname), a 70s-style orgy that's scarier to look at than a hitman's gun pointed in your face, and rapid-fire classic dialogue that'll make you want to grab a pen and paper.
Somehow this softcore sex comedy managed to stick in (again, no pun intended) some flashes of hardcore, guaranteeing the film will never be seen on late night cable.
While nowhere near as entertaining as last summer's re-discovered lost 1981 mafia flick, GONE WITH THE POPE, THE GODDAUGHTER is an interesting piece of grindhouse trash for mob film completists with little to no conscience.

Two members of the Carrione family make plans...

They tried to capture the feel of THE GODFATHER's classic wedding scene...and came up MUCHO short!

Mario Carrione (a.k.a. The Gay Don!)

Mario after being whacked by a topless cake girl

DO NOT mess with the Carrione girls!

Toni Carrione may be a nun, but she has NO problem whacking those who oppose The Family...

Hitmen and nun mobsters: WHAT were they smoking in 1972?

A rival family member is shot in the head...the gun was carefully concealed in a woman's booty.  You've been warned.

KIN is a MUST Read

I recently had the absolute pleasure of reviewing Kealan Patrick Burke's forthcoming novel, KIN.  Check out my review at THE CROW'S CAW
Enjoy...

A Little Little Goes a Long Way...

URSA MAJOR by John R. Little (2011 Bad Moon Books / 88 pp / tp)
Little follows a string of fantastic time-travel novellas with a suspense-filled action yarn, this time pitting a man and his girlfriend's 6-year old daughter against an 8-foot tall grizzly bear at an isolated cabin.  In classic Little style, we get plenty of great writing jammed into this 70-paged novella, and an ending that'll rip your heart out.  But that's all I can say about this short work without giving anything away.
There's also a 10-paged (!) introduction by Gene O'Neill and Gord Rollo that's quite funny, but at $15.00, few outside of the serious collector's market will get to read this.

More GODZY Goodness!

More all-out monster mayhem in the 5th issue of IDW's GODZILLA: KINGDOM OF MONSTERS.  More of the same as what came before, but it looks like it's leading somewhere good.  Rodan in Russia!  Godzilla and Anguirus grapple in L.A.!  Battra in France!  Can't wait to see what comes next...

What looked to be a ridiculous idea has proven itself to be anything but in the second issue of IDW's GODZILLA: GANGSTERS AND GOLIATHS.  This time the thug who kidnapped Mothra's twin girl keepers is using Mothra to wipe out the Tokyo underworld...and again, as silly as it sounds this thing is actually WORKING!  Great script here and plenty of places for the tale to go.
LOVIN' these new GODZY comics...

A Multi-Genre Collection that's DEAD-ON

IT'S FOR YOU & OTHER DARK SPECULATIONS by Keith Minnion (2011 White Noise Press / 304 pp / tp)


For the past several years I've been enjoying the artwork of Keith Minnion; he's one of those artists whose style is instantly recognizable.  He has also designed and produced some of the best-looking chapbooks I've ever seen through his small press.


Imagine my surprise when I discovered this busy artist was also a writer.  Don't you just HATE show-offs?


It turns out Minnion's stories have been published in some top-notch markets (dating back to the late 70s) and the best of his chops are collected here in IT'S FOR YOU & OTHER DARK SPECULATIONS.


After an introduction by Norman Prentiss, we're thrown into 19 stories that span several genres (most with a dark edge).  Among my favorites are 'On the Midwatch,' a creepy scifi tale set at sea in the North Atlantic; 'Up in the Boneyard,' about an old man who had accidentally discovered a strange portal while flying in 1913--and in 1986 has found a way to get back to it; 'Empire State,' an apocalyptic yarn set in 2238 on a post-flooded earth; 'Bushidio' deals with odd goings-on aboard an interstellar ship (and reminded me of a classic tale you'd find in HEAVY METAL magazine).  'Room to Let,' while similar to 'Up in the Boneyard,' is another take on a mystical doorway, this time full of interesting oddballs.


The final story (which was also released this year as a chapbook by Cemetery Dance Publications), 'Island Funeral,' is easily the best of the crop.  Great atmosphere and a solid cast drive this heart-breaking account of a man trying to keep his deceased wife's final wish.


Minnion's pen is as sharp as his pencil (most stories here are even accompanied by a character's portrait, drawn by the author) and his prose as smooth as his strokes.  IT'S FOR YOU is a fine showcase of one truly talented individual; BUT...can he also dance?  (It wouldn't surprise me in the least at this point).

YET Another Comic Geek Update...

Dark Horse's reboot of CREEPY reaches it's 6th issue, and the truly CREEPY cover art represents a tale titled 'Commedia Dell'Morte,' which turned out to be the best story of the issue (no easy feat considering the opening horror/western is written by the legendary Joe R. Lansdale).  Hats off to author Christopher A. Taylor for one of the finest stories in all of this new run (artist Jason Shawn Alexander--who also did the cover--gets the clown-terror willies going quite well, too).  Kevin Ferrara's pencils look great in 'The Wreck,' despite Alice Henderson's familiar story line.  This issue's 'Loathsome Lore' section deals with Hitler's kinky niece and the woman the ILSA films were based on, and for some reason the editors decided to end this installment with a reprint from an old issue of EERIE (go figure).  Dark Horse continues to deliver the fun for those who miss the days of 60s/70s-era horror comics.

The second and final of the two-issue CONAN: ISLAND OF NO RETURN turned out to be a fantastic, classic-style Conan story, but as I mentioned in my last Comic Geek Update, Bart Sears' artwork is too sloppy and comical for such a finely written tale (PLEASE keep this guy away from our favorite Cimmerian, Dark Horse peoples!).  Stjepan Sejic's cover art is beautiful, and this issue's story would've looked much better had he rendered the extreme violence and cave creature brawl.  Looking forward to the regular CONAN: ROAD OF KINGS to pick up next month after a two month hiatus (and keeping my fingers crossed the long-awaited CONAN film doesn't suck!).

Superman helps Constantine get closer to finding the whereabouts of the Swamp Thing in the second issue of DC's three-issue mini-series, BRIGHTEST DAY AFTERMATH: THE SEARCH FOR SWAMP THING.  The ending promises a decent final installment in the next issue, but I'm hoping DC stops with the DARKEST NIGHT/BRIGHTEST DAY thing...it ran its course and this short post-series is apparently just trying to keep a good thing going.  DC: Quit while you're ahead!

iZOMBIE issues 15 and 16 are basically the same thing--but that's not to rag them.  Gwen and her monster-hunting boyfriend finally rescue the were-terrier from a cave that's full of zombies, and a couple of building side-plots with Gwen's ghost and vampire friends fill in the background quite nicely.  I wasn't crazy about a four-paged mini-story started a couple issues ago called THE DEAD PRESIDENTS, but in these two issues they're actually a part of the main iZombie story.  As long as Vertigo keeps this up I'll have no problem with it (they even used one of the DEAD PRESIDENT characters for issue 15's cover--see above).  Issue 16 ends on a doozy that'll have zombie (and Gwen) fans drooling.  Been loving this series since the first issue and it shows NO signs of slowing down.

The Name Game (Volume One)

I've always been a "fan" of re-titled movies, especially after renting one (back in the early days of VHS) titled:



TRAP THEM AND KILL THEM was packaged to look like one of those Third World Cannibal films (ala MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY or CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST).  And while there's plenty of gore and cannibalism, there's three-times as much nudity and sex.  Why?  Because this puppy was originally titled:
EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS is one of several euro-Emanuelle films staring the beautiful Laura Gemser (although this was the only one with extreme violence thrown into the mix).  Italian sleaze legend Joe D'Amato (who was responsible for many euro gore epics, and even a gore/hardcore hybrid titled PORNO HOLOCAUST) was the man behind this...although who gave it the TRAP THEM AND KILL THEM title remains to be discovered.  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED...

Stross Belts one out of the Park...

RULE 34 by Charles Stross (2011 Ace Books / 258 pp / hc)


In this loose sequel to his 2007 novel HALTING STATE, someone (or something) is murdering (in unusual fashions) spammers across the Internet in 2035 Scotland.  Inspector Liz Kavanaugh--as head of the Rule 34 squad--must track the source of these murders down, and Stross brings the suspects flying at you from every angle.


In case you don't know what "Rule 34" means,  it's a "generally accepted internet rule that states pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject."  And while Stross manages to pull some really funny ideas out of this (the first victim is killed by an ancient enema machine!), there was still room for him to go a bit further...but considering this is a mainstream scifi novel, perhaps he kept things right on the dividing line?  And considering victims are offed by various household appliances, the author surprisingly pushes his tale at a (mostly) serious pace.  (I still can't get the image of one victim shrink-wrapped to his mattress out of my head).


While some may have a problem with the Internet lingo and Scottish slang (not to mention the second-person "real-time" viewpoint), Stross makes it work; and like William Gibson's classic NEUROMANCER, there isn't much time wasted explaining the technology that's in place: the reader is required to accept it and move on (something I have NO problem doing, and something that made Stross' HALTING STATE tedious at times).  Stross' near-future world features the Internet in continual personal access, and the brain-implanted mobile phones aren't so far fetched.


As a scifi police prodecural, RULE 34 moves along at a nice pace, bringing people from all walks of life together from several unusual subplots (my favorite being Anwar, a Muslim who does whatever he has to do to support his family, even when he becomes involved in international intrigue).


While I wish Stross would have given more time to the building relationship between Inspector Liz and Dorothy (perhaps we'll see that in a 3rd novel?), the perpetrator of the appliance murders took me by surprise and the novel as a whole left me satisfied.


(My only gripe: Every mention of Americans was extremely negative (but thankfully brief).  I don't know if Stross is trying to tick off his American fans or not, but if this keeps up it'll be hard for me to buy another title from him, which would SUCK being he's one of my favorite authors.)


Otherwise, RULE 34 makes up nicely for Stross' less-than-stellar third Laundry novel released last summer, THE FULLER MEMORANDUM.  Check it out.

The Unborn Alien Avenger!

Check out my latest column over at CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT, as I take a look at the seldom-seen scifi splatter classic, HORROR PLANET (a.k.a. INSEMINOID)

Things I Learned at NECon 31

Back in July of 2009, I attended my first NECON (a small gathering of horror writers and artists) in Rhode Island and have gone back each year since.  Having just returned from my third, I felt it was time to reveal some things I actually learned in-between the excessive drinking and partying.
1) I need to spend much less time horsing around on social networking sites.
2) Miller Lite is made from 98% calf urine.
3) If you actually LISTEN to professionals on the panels, you can benefit from mistakes they've made in the past.
4) Rhode Island--despite the beautiful scenery--has too many leech pits.
5) The horror-fiction community (in general) is the most family-like, down-to-earth, coolest bunch of people in ANY genre.
While I came home inspired after the first two conventions, this time I had advice given to me from a couple of writers (who I've been admiring for years) that not only encouraged me to get more serious, but actually "straightened" me out a bit.  Endless thanks to these two gents who shall go unnamed to protect the innocent.
BOTTOM LINE: NECon is a fantastic con that's been going strong since 1980.  It's a great mix of professionals, newbies, and fans where much can be gained...despite the college-party-animal climate.  Definitely try to attend at least once.  I've been looking forward to next year as soon as we left the parking lot...

This year I was part of the HORROR FILM PANEL, where everyone had the chance to recommend horror films they thought all horror fans should see at least once.

Among the many friends I've made at NECon, author John Dixon is one of the funniest...you'll be seeing his name around quite soon.  Now only if we can get him to partake in a real beer...

With fellow NEConers after the annual foosball tournament (I won the bronze this time, BTW).  Jason Harris in the background, Monica O'Rourke on my shoulder, Sheri White in the McCartney tour shirt.