Beverley Price's Blog, page 3

Fear Nothing Review *Contains Spoilers*

The first of a series of Dean Koontz books known as “The Moonlight Bay”. The story is about Christopher Snow, who is not a normal individuals. He has a genetic condition that leaves him vulnerable to light. As he is used to the night as most people are used to the day, he is the only person who notices weird things happening. The story follows his struggle trying to get the heart of the mysteries at Moonlight Bay.

I am a huge fan of Dean Koontz, and I like the unusual way he looks at life. However, this is too weird, mainly because it is a story that has too many unanswered question by the completion of the book. The story takes place over a two-day period, and a lots of pointless conversations are squeezed into those day. These are all end with the veiled threats of “leave well alone.” Those that don’t tell Chris to “leave well alone”, accuse him of being the cause.

The character of Chris Snow is interesting enough. Giving him this generic flaw and knowing that he is lucky enough to have survive this long gives him a perfect attitude to living. For example his response to nearly getting killed is to grab a beer. He has a calming persona in the face of danger and it feels natural to the character. I just feel that the character was created and then he is waiting for a story, and that is what let it down. A lot of the other characters within the book seem one-dimensional, like Roosevelt, Chris’ friend. He seems to spend the time conversing with Orson, Chris’ dog, than Chris himself. Although Roosevelt indicates that it is Chris’ friends who are in danger from the faceless “them”. Chris, himself is safe.

I want a book to make me think, but I still want most of it to be wrapped up into a neat bow at the end. This does not happen with Fear Nothing. Why does Chris get respect to the point that people could not bring themselves to kill him? And hitchhiker? We know that Fear Nothing, the title of the book, is the last word to Chris from his dad, but that is the only reference. No explanation about the end of Chris and Manuel friendship, or what happened to Chris’ mother? The image of Chris like dolls is a horrific one, but there is no explanation of why they are in existence?  And the Monkeys? Do not get me started on those.

I would read the rest of the series in the hope that it would reveal more. But it is not a book that I would recommend.

Beauty? Fiction.

We all know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but what about the beheld? Where does their perception of beauty lie? We are constantly bombarded, especially on social media, of contradictory statements about both loving who you and to improve yourself because you should hate who you are. I have, and still, struggle with my physical appearance. And I don’t help myself, as I rarely put the effort into “looking beautiful”. So on the rare occasions I put a little bit more effort than usual, I get complimented. I struggle to understand what that means for my own perception of how I look. My first reaction, even time, is that I am being set up for a fall. This even apply if I have “flirted” with the individual in question. Don’t misunderstand when I said “I made an effort”. It means I wore a lovely dress, and put on a little foundation. No other makeup and still tied my hair back into a ponytail. Imagine what would happen if I “really made an effort”. But the lack of effort on my part is more than just laziness. But I just don’t have the skills to make myself “beautiful”. In my single days this is road I have been down before, and it ended up being a lonely road to nowhere.

I met a guy at a Halloween party, so “effort” had been made. We spoke for a while through social media, before he asked me to meet him later one day for a drinks. I went straight from university, in the pouring rain to meet him. He was clearly disappointed by the vision in front of him. When no “effort” has been made, the attraction that he felt at that party was gone. So as the beauty has been removed from beholder, is it also removed from the beheld? Is this ultimately all relating to pre-historic urges of making sure our genes continue with the strongest person?  Is that still applicable for couples that are homosexual or don’t want children? That procreation is not their goal, subconscious or not.

There are many experiments that show that “attractive people” are seen as “better” people, “better” partner and have “better” jobs, which becomes self-fulfilling, as more and more company seem to elevate “beautiful” people above “average looking” people. Despite the age-old adage, we do judge a book by its cover. We believe “beautiful” people are good inside. So it seems to pay to be “beautiful”, but we still return to originally conception of where does beauty lie? Charles Darwin once wrote: “It is certainly not true that there is in the mind of man any universal standards of beauty with respect to the human body.” Why does it still matter what someone looks like? Beautiful or otherwise. And why is beauty still a goal to inspire to? It seems that it will always been a stamp to live our lives, if you want to be seen as “succeeding”. Will that change? I don’t think it will. Even if there is no universal mark for beauty and each beheld individual makes their own choices about their own “beauty”. For me, maybe one day I will find the “beauty” in me.

What becomes of the “crazy” people?

I recently watched the epic film One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest and was blown away by not only the amazing acting but the whole storyline. The “in a nut shell” approach to the film is: a film in which a criminal believes he can cheat the system by pretending to be crazy, and becomes crazy. Before Jack Nicholson’s character, the patients want to get through the day without any trouble, but with introduction of Jack, causing a catalyst. The rebellion stirs up everyone but he retracts a little when he realises that his future is in the hands of one individual, Nurse Ratched. Of course that is an overly simplified explanation of the film, it is so much more than that. It is one of those “you must watch films”, however, my recommendation comes with a warning, if you are an individual whose mood can be “triggered”, then this is not a film for you, this film contains very disturbing images of electroshock therapy and suicide. The ending of the film is extremely powerful and upsetting.

Anyway, this is not meant to be a review of the film but an article about mental health issue in todays society and my own issues. Deinstitutionalisation of mental health took place in the 1950’s and 1960, mainly due to the fact that it become evident that patients were becoming dependent, passivity and ultimately becoming institutionalised. This is highlighted in the film as several of the patients are volunteers and can leave at any time and yet choose to stay there. They cite several times that they are “not ready” and yet at the same time seem to be functioning “normally”. One thing that has not seemed to change over time is the reliance on drugs. In the institution is was part of the agenda of the day that drugs were handed out to the patients. Drugs are still a part of the agenda of someone with mental issues and this can still cause the some of the same issues as the mental institutions themselves, dependency and passivity.

And this is my issues with drugs, I am worried that I will become a zombie and that I will become dependent on them to live. My depression and anxiety cause me all sort of issues, include severe mood swings, an inability to focus, the overwhelming feeling that I am being followed by a dark invisible force, and the strong desire to be someone else. All of this manifests negatively in tears, pacing and nervous hand twitching, stuttering and thankfully less frequently self-harming and food purging, although the desire lingers, I do not act on it any longer. But strange as this may sound to some individuals, my mental health has a positive effect on my life, mainly the ability to channel that negativity into something creative. The dark half of me has its own persona and its own outlet. And yes I have read Stephen King’s Dark Half so I know that can have a horrific twist to it, but this is life and not a novel. Without that part of me, having a free reign then I would not have the creativity that I do have. The question is do the positive parts of my mental health outweigh the negative? For me, yes but then I do not have to live with me and I am not sure my loved ones would agree.

So, what becomes of the “crazy” people? It is hard to know exactly. WHO estimate that they are 450million people worldwide who at some point in their lives have had mental health issues. That is a hard statistic to get your head around. Some exist, even in the numbness of the mental health issue itself or on the drugs that they are prescribed. Some live, with or without drugs. And yes, some die and some kill, with or without the intervention of professionals. At the end of the day, “crazy” people are the same as “normal” people, they become a product of life. But for me, and me alone, I have tried to turn my “crazy” into a art form, and I have become a novelist/poet.

Some people cry

Recently I watched Stephen Fry’s “The Not So Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”, the ten year recap after his show “The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive”. The show itself was highlighting the difference ten years can do, not only for the individual deal with the illness but for society view of this conditions. The overall feeling is that both the individuals and society is walking a tightrope between acceptance and denial. Many have used their experiences to a positive end. And yet some still struggle with their illness everyday, including Stephen Fry himself. The start of the programme talk about his own suicide attempt. For my information, read the following article:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/news-media/celebrity-supporters/stephen-fry

And a link to the iplayer show itself:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b07187tc/the-not-so-secret-life-of-the-manic-depressive-10-years-on

But it made me think of my own last ten years and my own struggle with my Manic depression. In 2006, I was in the honeymoon period of a new relationship, I was in a super house, marvellous job and a nice group of friends. While I had low days, like most people do. I was functioning very well. When the blue days came I tried to fill it with friends and some home education course. The main blip in those days was the fact that my partner had been fired but he was still pretending to go to work, unaware that I already knew his job status. I would say that then the low and highs were small shifts between the two. The cracks however, were beginning to say. The nights out that I had enjoyed some much were starting to be stifled but it was fine as I was till allowed to have female friends around for “dinner parties”.

But fast forward only five years and things are completely different. I am single but due to financial restraints still living with the ex. I am unemployed but at university. I have some joy with my uni friends but also had a great footing with my fait. During this time becoming a very active member of the local pagan society. This is what I call my “Jekyll and Hyde” phrase, not good and evil, but happy and sad. With uni and paganism I am jubilant person but then at home I wear the coat of misery. The only way I could cope with the black days, which seemed to be every day, was to either self harm or write. One of the most delightful thing about that time is that it spawned both a poetry book and a novel. Because my life seemed to be split into two halves the highs and lows were dramatic swings in mood. They were several times when I felt that I would not make it past that phrase of my life but I did.

And now? I am in the crazy loving relationship, back in a job that has a great camaraderie, and I am about to move into my ideal home. Still have an exciting group of friends and my involvement in my faith has grown. I am now a “high priestess” of my own coven, and have some awesome rituals. What once started as a coping mechanise, the writing has become a more stable part of my life, although it is still part of my coping strategy as well. I have not self harmed in over 2 years. I am not perfectly happy all the time, no one is. But the low days are few and far between and I am even happier than I was ten years ago, long may it continue.

Whole lot of dreaming going on

One of the motifs that I enjoy is the blending of fear into the subconscious. When you are unaware if you are in reality or a dream. There are a few films for me that highlight this  for me the most, and I think it is no coincidence that these are all children’s films as well. These are Labyrinth, The Wizard of Oz/Return to Oz and some verison of Alice in Wonderland. What all of these films have in common is that you see the things in the “alternative” world in the person’s “normal” world. In some of the film’s cases, the things that scare the individual in thier normal world, is then exaggrated in the “alternative” world.

In both The Wizard of Oz/Return to Oz and Alice in Wonderland, it is the people that are in the person’s “normal” life that are transported to these “alternatives”, where the individual can “fight” against these people that usually control thier lives. For Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, it is a simple tale of an innocent child craving the freedom for those trying to keep her a child. This simple fear is hyped up in Return to Oz, because the fear of growing up has been tainted with mind control. The film seems to be teaching Dorothy that what happened in Oz was a fantasy and she needs to be purged of her imagination for when she approaches womanhood. The people that Dorothy sees as controlling in both the films are the villians in the “alternative” world.

In some verisons of Alice in Wonderland they have employed the same permence. Although the fear is more relating to stage fright as Alice is anxious about performing in front of a group of adults. As Alice hides from the performance, her “alternative” world contains those audience members. How Alice sees the audience that is how they treat her in the “alternative” world, either genial or cruelly.

While Labyrinth follows the same idea of the “normal” world filtering into the “alternative” world, the approach is different. This is the child that is afraid to growing up and therefore there is no people that follow Sarah into her “alternative” world, but things. This is completly about power, sex and reaching adulthood. And the fact that Sarah remains “unbranded” by the Goblin King means that she achives the maturity she needs but without losing her childlike wonder.

It is interesting that there is only a year difference between the release of Return to Oz and Labyrinth and yet there are poles apart as “coming of age” films. Now all those films could be analysised more than I have done but I just want to touch upon them only. If you have not seen these film I would recogmend them all.

 

 

Ring of faith

So, like many people in today’s society I am part of the social media world and therefore I belong to several group on face book and pretty much I go unnoticed. However, I responded to a post with my usual jovial humour and to say it back fire would be an understatement. A question had been posted in a pagan group I belong to, of how long you had been practising and what level you see yourself as and why? I responded that I don’t believe in levels in faith and that I am a witch and not a gamer. I was then told that I was being disrespectful, not by the person who had posted the question but someone else. I tried to explain that I was not being disrespectful, I was being honest.

This in turned cause the person who had NEVER spoken to me before to question my faith in a very sarcastic way. Her unfounded argument that being a Wiccan and the Art of Witchcraft are two different things and if I had any grasp on the difference then I would have answered the question more sensibly. I know the difference but I don’t see that as separate.

Like the Wheel of the Year worshipped by some pagans, I see Witchcraft as circular, or maybe to be more precise a spiral, raising yes, as you get stronger but not in the sense of a step up, like the term level indicates. The spiral of witchcraft seems to have the less of the insistent of one individual being “better” than someone else. Oh well, that is just one person view of course.

Goodbye Cruel Me

It is coming up to that time of year when we pledge our resolutions for the new year. I have never really participated in this practice much but then nothing changes. So this year I have decided that to make those changes to my life that I hint about, I must write them down in concrete form for those changes to happen. None of the changes are unattainable or ridiculous. There is no promises to myself that I will be rich and famous by this time next year. Also no promise that I will be the ideal version of myself that I feel I should be. Just promises for a better life. And they follow thus:

Care more for me – If I gave half the love and attention I gave those that are important to me to myself I would be so much happier. The first thing that needs to stop is the negativity about myself. I am NOT perfect, things go wrong. And I am not happy about the way I look, so I must do something about it. This will include diet changes and exercise NOT to lose weight but to be healthy. Also time for my to pamper myself. I would have said it was a sign of vanity to have a facial, but as I have got older I have realised it is more than that.

Write and promote – I need to get back into a rhythm of writing and will try and to write something, three times a week. Once I start writing I am fine, the ideas flow, it is getting started is the issue. I have always said that my greatest enemy to writing is time, but actually it is procrastination. I also have to stop relying on chance that get my works sold, I have to do some leg work myself. Do not get me wrong, I am not lazy, (well, maybe a little), I am scared.

Be more random – When you have been finically so poor that living on the street loams large in your life, it is a hard life lesson to shake off. While I am not rich, I am stable. I have the money at the end of the month to splash out on once in a lifetime experiences. For example I wanted to go to a three day convention which cost £110, I thought this was a waste of money, until someone told me they spend £100 getting their hair cut and dye and they do this six times a year!!!

This is the year to make memories and to find who I am again.

 

Interview Space

There is a very weird habit that I do, and I am not sure if it is creative thing or not, but I have mock interviews in my head. Told you it was weird. I believe that I am famous and that I am being interviewed about my books. Some of which I have not actually written yet.  Why? I am not entirely sure, partly that escape the mundanity of life but partly as it is a great way to get the thoughts flowing. Some of the issue with this is that I am usually out and about or in work and I am not in a space where I can write these ideas down.

The other part of the “interview” is always more of the personal side of things. The kind of questions that you would probably want to ask someone who you only knew through their work. Questions like “Would you do other genres?” “Would you write children’s novels?” “What is your idea of hell?” and the most important one, “Who or what influenced you?”

Maybe I hope to have an opportunity to let those know who have influenced me that they did. I have always been a huge consumer of film, books and music and I think they have all played a part in who I am as a writer.

What is the most interesting about the “interviews” is that are solely centred around my novels, with a passing comment only to my poetry. Is this how I ultimately view my poetry? I don’t think it is. I enjoy writing poetry as much as my novels. I think I know that poetry is not as popular as novels.

Where is my narrative?

I listened to a wonderful talk this morning about narrative psychology and paganism. One of the thrust of this talk was our own “life story” and how we see ourselves in these story. This is highlighted  by Berne and his life scripts. He uses 6 myths to show how our narratives fall into society. These myths are Arachne, Hercules, Damocles, Sisyphus, Philemon and Baucis, Tantalus. This myth are examples how we using negativity on never reaching the life that we want. With those thoughts “I will never” “It always happens to me” “I can’t be happy until…” “What will happen after?” “I almost made it” or just living an open ended life are holding us back. There is also the fact of the “character” we see that we are in our own story. This can be linked to Joseph Campbell and archetypes. We can see ourselves as the “hero”, “mentor”, “shadow or antagonist”, “ally” “shape shifter or sceptic” “Trickster” or “threshold guardian and herald” in terms of Campbell. We may use more common thoughts of “hero” “villain” “victim” “comic relief” or worse still, the “bit player” in someone else’s life. And of course the way we see ourselves is sometimes clashing with how others see us. However, if your “story” is so ingrained into yourself not matter if others tell you the “truth”, you will believe only your story. And your story comes from your childhood, either the person who impressed you the most or the person you spent the most time with. This leads us to my story. And listening to the talk I realised that my “story character” is “martyr”. When I tell my story I tell of the horrible things I have “forced myself to endure” as if I had no other choice.

This “character” has been implanted in me, as mentioned early from childhood by my mother. As an only child, and with a father who worked, most of my time was spent with my mother. A woman herself grew up an only child with her mother only as her father abandoned her. A woman who was constantly told that she was not a good person, to the point that she abandoned her own mother at the age of 15 and never spoke to her again. All my memories seem to be of times when I was not “good enough”, despite from being the only emotional support for the woman. A woman who went through strong bouts of depression and agoraphobia. The woman who shared a home with her only child, her daughter. It may come as no surprise that my first long term relationship had the same bows of emotional support. A person who struggled with the outside world. A person who would use emotional blackmail and taunts to keep me by their side. But who could never give the same the emotional support in return. Even in this abridged version of the first thirty years of my life, it sounds like a tale of a martyr. I had no choice in the relationship I endured. And while that may be partly true for family, it is never true for love. And thankful I am in a wonderful relationship but I still speak as a martyr.

As a writer I subconsciously turned the “character” of me into a real character and I give them the life script is I felt I should have had. Pandora in Blood Bound started out as me, a woman struggling to find her place in the world after the death of her father. At the time of writing I had finally broke free from the aforementioned relationship. Blood BOUND was a very conscience title for the novel. Pandora is tempted by a persona of a person that she has yet to met. This is a mixture of people that I “met” online through my poetry. Many who claimed to understand, some did. Or at least they knew the tales to tell to tempt me. And the turning point was when true love entered my life and that become Pandora’s true love interest. The telling mother what she felt, just for the briefest moment is purely imagination as they would not be done by me. And the triangle was also created as a plot device. At this plot device Pandora become less about me, and more a character creation. Yet, I could not give Pandora the “happily ever after”. Why? If Pandora, even in the smallest part now, is me then the reason she does not get the happy ending is because I don’t believe I deserve it. Even before this talk I realised that the way I thought about myself was negative. And with my boyfriend giving me sly looks during the talk, he also was hearing the truth in these talk. But when you have been telling the same tale over and over again, how do you stop? Even those that “story” is not your present, you still make it your future. One step at a time I suppose. That first step will be to stop saying those negative things. I am constantly telling myself that I am a failure, that I am ugly, and the most hurtful one, and not just to myself but to my boyfriend, that I do not deserve him. I can list some of the things that I am proud of. That during the hardest time of my life I got a degree. I have turned the pain into at least one poetry book (hopefully another one soon) and a novel and I sold some. I crawled up from having no home, no job and no love to having all three. And I am on the verge of improving two of those. Not the love, that is beautiful and I deserve the wonderful man in my life. I know I am a great friend as well for those who have known me years or months. The one I find hardest to break is my own physical appearance, but while I will probably never see myself as beautiful. I am not ugly. And that is still a step forward.

Whole lot of black magic going on

I have recently finished Dennis Wheatley’s The Satanist and it is an interesting book in concept. As I am a huge fan of Hammer Horror films and therefore I have seen the film adaptions of some of the novels. So I was curious to how the novels were. I chose The Satanist as I did not want to read one that I had already seen and I was hoping the book does “exactly what it says on the tin!” The plot of the Satanist is following the double lives led by a young male and female to penetrate a Satanic group. Barney Sullivan is a secret agent, who is horrified by the death of a colleague who had managed to penetrate the Satanic group, which also seems to have connects to Communism. Mary Morden, the wife of the killed colleague is also searching for the people who killed her husband. A woman who has had to put her morals aside for the greater good before and is willing to do it again to catch her husband’s devil worshiping killers. The main problem with this book is the unnecessarily complicated storyline by having both the devil worshiping and Communism plots running along side each other. Sometimes novels are “of their time”, meaning that they are awash with racist and sexist views. If the novel is well written you can forgive such things, but The Satanist is not well written.

Saying that Wheatley lingers over the Satanic rituals which is well researched and are so detailed that they have the intended result, they are creepy. This lengthy description is also used to describe how Communism has infiltrated the Unions and ruining Britain. This feels like the author was trying to tell me what my views should be. Mary’s story and character was the only reason I read it to the end. It is her thought process of the sexual aspect of the rituals and the dawning realisation that when her husband had inflitarted the group he would have to have indulged in those orgies. She is a brave and rounded character. However, this book has meant that I do not want to read the other Dennis Wheatley book I bought at the same time “To the Devil a Daughter”. I am hoping that when I do read that one it is going to be a lot better written, as it has been turned into a film it has a bit more hope.