Julie A. Fast's Blog, page 26

September 10, 2017

Guest Blogger Martin Baker on Bipolar Disorder and Creating Strong Friendships

How do I maintain friends when I have bipolar disorder? One great step is giving them High Tide, Low Tide: A Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder by Fran Houston and Martin Baker. If you have a friend who shows interest in helping you maintain stability, High Tide, Low Tide is a compassionate gift for any friendship! I also recommend it highly for siblings. Here is a guest blog post from author Martin Baker on creating strong friendships. Julie

I have a lot of embarrassment when I get sick. I worry that my friends will leave me because of my bipolar disorder. Knowing there is a tool they can use if they need more information about my moods helps me stay strong!

Julie

High Tide, Low Tide: Our Transatlantic Best Friendship

—by Martin Baker

“I know what you could do, Marty! You could write a book about what it’s like to be friends with someone with bipolar disorder.”

October 2012. The English Lake District. With those words, my American best friend Fran changed my world. Not for the first time. We’d been friends since meeting online the previous May. We would not meet in real life (as they say) until June 2013, but despite living 3,000 miles apart, we’d grown a strong, mutually supportive friendship that had weathered episodes of wild mania, depression, debilitating pain and fatigue, with suicidal thinking never far away.

Fran Houston, my best friend, lives with bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS/ME), and fibromyalgia. These are her diagnoses. They shape her days, but they are not who she is. As we shared our lives through social media, voice, and video calls, we learned what needs to be common knowledge, but isn’t: that caring relationships between “ill ones” and “well ones” are not only possible, but can be deeply and mutually satisfying.

We also learned it doesn’t matter where you are in the world—which is great, because friends and loved ones often live far apart. In the Internet era no one is too far away to be cared for, or to care. That is our message, and it is a message of hope.

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Four years on, and our book—High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder—was published. It’s been quite a journey. We hope our book will inspire and inform others who want to support a friend with mental illness. But High Tide, Low Tide is neither the only, nor the greatest, reward.

Fran is still alive. She has told me many times she would not be here if it was not for our friendship. There’s no way to know how true that might be, but I take her words at face value. To some, that might appear to put an inordinate strain on me and our relationship, but it doesn’t. We are not still friends because either of us is afraid of what might happen if we were not. We are friends because we want to be, and because—well or ill—that is how a committed friendship works.

I am more than I was. These five years have challenged me to be the best I can be. More, they’ve helped me discover who I am. I knew little about mental illness, stigma, and discrimination before I met Fran. I knew less about empathy, compassion, and caregiving. I still mess up, of course, with Fran and with other people. But I’ve grown. I am more aware than I was. I am more than I was. I am a better friend, father, and husband—a better man—than I was or would otherwise have become.

I have found my tribe. I never felt I belonged anywhere, outside of my immediate family. I found a best friend, but also the joy of connection with people at home and the world over; people who know how to live genuinely and honestly. That is joy indeed. I have found my voice and discovered I have something to say. I have found my place in the world.

Click here to read more about High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder, (Nordland Publishing)

About the Author

Living in the north-east of England, Martin Baker is an ASIST trained Mental Health First Aider and Time to Change Champion. A member of the National Alliance on Mental Illness, Mind, and Bipolar UK, Martin is primary caregiver and lifeline to his best friend Fran Houston. Passionate about making invisible illness visible, Fran lives in Portland, Maine.

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Published on September 10, 2017 00:37

September 7, 2017

Bipolar Mood Swings and Shame: I Did a Lot of Foolish Things That I Really Didn’t Mean

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Three Tips to Recognize, Feel and Ultimately Let Go of Shame Due to Mood Swing Behaviors

1. Recognize what was caused by a bipolar disorder mood swing. Remember that bipolar disorder is an illness that causes some pretty darn crazy behavior that you would never, ever do when well. It’s not like there is a choice in the matter to

Sleep with two people at once when full blown manic
Buy a car you can’t afford
Leave someone you love because you are so depressed you can’t see straight
Drop out of school because you can’t sit still.

Remember. If it happens because of bipolar- treat the bipolar and you won’t have to go through the shame… as much. For most people, mood swings come back and sneak up on you and even after years of management, you can still get sick. That is what happens to me. So I remind myself, if I’m feeling embarrassed and ashamed of something because I have bipolar and feel I should know better, that’s not realistic. I need to treat the bipolar and then deal with the shame.

Bipolar is a tricky illness. I must recognize that the shame I’m feeling is a result of something that happened during a mood swing, not a personal failing. I can prevent it from happening in the future. When something does sneak up on me, I say to myself, “Julie, you now prevent 90% of the mood swings that cause damage. Before, they all got through. I’m proud of you. Now deal with your feelings and move on.”

2. Feel the shame fully. Even if the reason you did what you did was bipolar, you still did it. It still had consequences. It still affected other people. Write it out.Talk about it. Here’s a very typical email I get all of the time:

“Julie, I’m so incredibly ashamed that I spend my daughter’s college fund on remodeling my kitchen. I didn’t listen to anymore- my partner was so upset that she threatened to leave. I didn’t feel that it was mania. I just felt invigorated and excited to FEEL something after being depressed for three months. I wish I had known that what I was feeling was mania. I understand the depression, but this mania kicks my ass sometimes. I need better meds I think. This was a $23,000 mistake. Julie, I’m going to do what you say. I’m open about my bipolar- first I need to apologize to my wife for not BEING ABLE to listen to her.I wasn’t in denial- we truly were having Bipolar Conversations. We will get Loving out again and strengthen our management plan. I need to tweak my meds- I’m not depressed like I use to be, but I forgot about the mania and how it feels so good.I wonder if my new meds let the mania back in? Julie, I’m so embarrassed. Maria’s college fund is gone. But, I love how you say Treat Bipolar First and things will work out. I make enough money to put that money back. Maria is only 11, it will work out. I forgive myself for what happened. It’s an illness. We are going to be OK.” Jim

Yes, you are Jim and I am too!

3. Prepare for Breakthrough Episodes and Stop Them Before They Go too Far. I told Jim that I also have break through episodes. A break though episode means you are taking meds if needed, working with a management plan- (Jim and his wife use the plan in Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder), and yet the mood swing shows up anyway. His daughter Maria fully knows about the bipolar- but he had not been manic for so long that everyone missed the signs at first and by the time his wife noticed them, Jim was in MANIA LA LA LAND and couldn’t translate what she was saying.

If we constantly have destructive mood swings- then it’s up to us to do something about it. A new plan is needed- then the shame will be less because there are less mood swings. For people like Jim and myself and possibly yourself or someone you care about, we DO have a plan, but bipolar disorder can be stronger than anything we throw at it. My mom is my greatest support in the world- she says, “Julie, I tell you I think you’re manic and you blow me off.” I always remind her. “Mom, when I’m so manic that all I feel is a raging curiosity and a desire to help others- I’m only half on this planet! I do hear you, but it takes me awhile to react- so please just keep saying that I’m manic, get out my Health Cards- put them in my face and help me get out of the clutches of bipolar. I always hear you eventually!” Also, when we let go of our shame- it helps our immune system heal from the mood swing.

Embarrassment and shame, guilt and worry. These are often the emotional after effects of a rough episode. Here’s a script we can all use when this happens- and then we must strengthen our plans because serious mood swings simply can’t be allowed to go too far. They are too destructive. We can manage this illness!

***Script example of what to say to yourself- or to say to someone you care about. It’s also nice to send this in an email!***

Dear (your name here- or a loved one’s name) You are a loving, kind and normal human being. You do your best- love other people- help others in need and are a good friend. You are pretty good at managing your money and you always do you best to stay stable. If bipolar disorder simply went away and if the meds were full proof with no side effects, you would not have to go through the embarrassment of these mood swings. But you know what (your name here!) I’m so proud of you! This is a tough illness. It’s not like having the flu! It’s tough and you are tough. Feel any shame you need to feel- feel the embarrassment of what you did and starting right this minute, make your plan stronger so that you don’t have to go through this again any time soon! You are loved…. signed, ME.

We are not alone in doing foolish things in the name of bipolar disorder. Only we an stop it from happening again and again and again by having a plan in place.

Treating bipolar disorder first with a strong management plan that includes meds when needed, a filled out symptom list for each mood swing and the help from people around you prevents shameful episodes. It’s ok if you got sick and did something you regret. Let’s work together so it doesn’t happen again!

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I would start with Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and then move to the Health Cards if the mood swings are still causing problems.

Click here to watch the Stevie Wonder video that says- I did a lot of foolish things- that I really didn’t mean! Hey Hey Hey!

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Published on September 07, 2017 11:22

September 6, 2017

Will This Relationship Survive? The Author of High Tide, Low Tide Helps Julie with a Friendship Question

I recently shared with Marty what happened when a very dear friend with bipolar disorder came to visit. She was in a manic episode that I found intensely stressful and upsetting. After three days, I made a difficult decision and asked her to leave. I had to do this, but I am fearful that our friendship will not bounce back from this experience. I am not being judgmental. In fact, I 100% identify with what happened as I have been manic like this in front of my friends many times. They don’t like it either. My problem is the energy around the mania. I want to be stable and being around someone who is choosing behaviors that fuel the mania fire is not healthy for me.

With his experience as a long-term support for his best friend Fran Houston who lives with bipolar disorder, and the insights they have shared in their book High Tide, Low Tide: The Caring Friend’s Guide to Bipolar Disorder, I asked Marty and Fran for guidance based off of the teachings in their book. Marty’s reply, in the form of an open letter, has been extremely helpful. I am sharing it in the hope it may be of value to others.

Dear Julie.

In the six years we’ve been friends, I have accompanied Fran through episodes of mania, depression, debilitating pain and fatigue. We discuss the key qualities of a successful caring friendship in our book.

Fran has bipolar disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia. We live three thousand miles apart, and at the time of writing have only met once face-to-face. We nevertheless have a close, mutually supportive friendship. How have we done this? Is there a secret? No. There really is nothing special about us! We are friends, and like friends the world over we handle what comes up as best we can. But while there is no great secret to share, there are qualities which are crucial to our success as friends. We trust each other, we are open and honest, and we love to connect.

You and Melissa share these qualities. You were honest with each other through an intensely traumatic experience. You kept the channels of communication open when things got rough. Crucially, you took steps for your self-care. Where you need guidance is in what happens next. I asked Fran about how she manages her friendships.

A Note from Fran: I’m bipolar 2 and my illness has driven friends away due to lack of understanding. For me resonance is imperative. If I am resonating with friends then it works. If I am not then I need to be vigilant about how I manage that friendship. Healthy boundaries, honesty, compassion, and forgiveness are vital. It’s important for me to check in to see how I feel and to be present in the moment. I meditate a lot. It helps me be in touch with myself and handle things better than I would otherwise.

When Fran and I are stuck we turn to Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Also called Compassionate Communication, NVC is a technique developed by American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg to foster compassion and resolve conflicts peaceably. You can take classes in NVC and there is a wealth of material online, but you can use the approach without going too deeply into it.

Feelings and needs are at the heart of NVC. Fran and I begin by acknowledging our feelings, relating them to whatever needs are not being met for us. If other people are involved, we consider (or guess) what their feelings and unmet needs might be. From there, we think about what strategies could bring us closer to meeting our needs. This might involve making a request, of ourselves or the other person, in order to move things forward.

What I pick up most strongly from you Julie is that you felt overwhelmed, shocked, and stressed. Right now, you feel apprehensive and vulnerable about what to do next. My guess is that the following needs are not being met for you. The first is the need for closeness. This event has got in the way of your friendship and you don’t know how to bridge the gap. In your words, “How can a friend who has witnessed and been greatly affected by a person’s manic behaviour find a way back into the relationship?” Authenticity is very important to you. You need a way forward which resonates with your core values, including personal responsibility and honesty. You work hard to maintain a degree of safety and stability in your life, and are unwilling to put yourself at jeopardy. You also care about your friend’s wellbeing and that of your friendship. All this seems under threat. As you put it, “This is a situation where I truly don’t know what to do. I have to protect myself. I want to respect her. I am not being mean, but I cannot go through that ever again and since it’s [due to] bipolar, I know it’s very possible it will happen again.”

I don’t know your friend well, but I would say she feels self-conscious and guilty about what happened; specifically that she didn’t identify what was going on for her and take steps to manage that effectively or communicate it to you in advance. On the positive side, she is appreciative of your honesty, and optimistic about finding a way forward. My needs guesses for your friend are the needs for awareness and clarity regarding her symptoms, also consideration and companionship in her relationships.

Let’s see how you might fulfil your key needs (closeness, authenticity, safety, and security) whilst also respecting your friend’s needs. The good news is there is a lot of common ground. You both understand that a change of situation and environment can be a massive challenge when you live with bipolar disorder. You also know the impact bipolar behaviour—especially manic behaviour—can have on others. Most importantly, you both recognise the vital role vigilance plays in stability and wellbeing. Fran and I talk a lot about this in our book, including the role of friends.

No matter how effective Fran’s medications are, and no matter how diligently she works at her therapies and self-care, wellness can never be taken for granted. If life is a journey, illness is part of the landscape through which Fran travels. It is easy for her to inadvertently find herself in regions of mania, depression, insomnia, pain, or fatigue. Staying well requires Fran—and those who care for her—to be constantly vigilant. It is part of my role as her friend to watch for behaviours and situations which suggest she is becoming unwell.

You have your Health Cards System, Julie, which you have developed to help manage your symptoms. I don’t know if your friend uses your system or another tool such as the Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) developed by Mary Ellen Copeland. Fran has a number of strategies, central to which are her personal care manual and wellness plan. The latter is designed for friends, family, and others she trusts to help her stay as well as possible.

Fran’s wellness plan describes warning behaviours, and asks for help in identifying them should they occur. (“Let me know if you feel I am exhibiting any of these behaviours. I might not want to hear what you are saying, so remind me of this document and that I asked you to help me take care of myself.”) It also lists strategies Fran knows help keep her well. (“This is what I need to do to look after myself. Please remind me if it seems like I am not doing them.”) If people become concerned there is a list of contacts, including her doctor, psychiatrist, care coordinator, and a mental health crisis helpline. We update the plan from time to time and modify it for specific events such as trips abroad. It was invaluable a few years ago when Fran travelled in Europe, far from her usual support team and routines.

Such tools tend to focus on personal wellness, but the approach can be extended to support the stability of our key relationships. Julie, you might consider developing a wellness plan for when you have visitors to stay. It could include such things as how long you anticipate the visit lasting, what activities and strategies you need to stay healthy, and anything you need your visitor to be aware of such as behaviours you find especially difficult or triggering. For longer stays, it might include an agreement that you and your guest will check in with each other, say after the second day, in case either of you are having difficulties. The idea would be to share the plan ahead of time. It would have enabled you and your friend to share how you were feeling in the days leading up to her visit, so you could decide whether to go ahead or reschedule.

I hope this has been useful. I’m interested to know what you and your friend think of my suggestions. Best wishes to you both!

Marty

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Published on September 06, 2017 08:41

September 5, 2017

Bipolar and Marijuana: A Parent’s Guide to Cannabis, Psychosis and Mania

I teach private classes for parents and partners who would like balanced information on the topic of bipolar disorder and weed. Please visit my Bipolar, Cannabis and Psychosis page to learn more.

My approach is calm, focused and reasonable. We use pot for a reason- to feel better. Learning about bipolar disorder, THC and CBD helps parents and partners have an intelligent conversation with a loved one about marijuana use.

This is a tricky topic that can be discussed without arguing.

Julie

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Published on September 05, 2017 21:51

What is Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder?

The term rapid cycling can be very confusing. I recently asked my co-author Dr. John Preston for a clear explanation:

“Rapid cycling is at least four discrete episodes during a 12 month period (these can be mania, hypomania, or depression). The term ultra-rapid cycling is not precisely defined but many refer to this as having possibly monthly cycles (e.g. 12 per year)….

Ultradian cycling is where there are not really

discrete manic or depressive episodes, but the person is extremely emotionally labile, with chaotic and intense mood changes that occur every day or several times during a day.

One way to describe it is that they experience intense emotional instability….some mood shifts are in response to stressful events (e.g. an argument with a friend), but some are unprovoked- seem to come out of the blue and not associated with a specific trigger.”

I have ultradian rapid cycling, but my mood swings are often discreet. That shows how these categories are simply a guideline.

When I am very ill, I can have six or seven mood swings in a row between mania and depression and they are very obvious. This is usually a reaction to a drug, such as when I tried Ritalin for my ADD symptoms.

If you or a loved one are prone to rapid cycling, it’s likely you will not tolerate anti depressants, high THC pot, meth, coke, ADD meds, steroids or changes in sleep patterns due to work or travel.

I know. What a BummeR!

Julie

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I recommend reading Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder in order to create plan to end rapid cycling. If you want something more intense in terms of a full symptom management plan,

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I recommend The Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder.

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Published on September 05, 2017 20:48

Accepting New Parent and Partner Coaching Clients

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I specialize in crisis coaching that eventually becomes a management plan for the whole family. My work is extremely discrete. I never share my client list and I offer help even when change feels impossible. You are not alone. Coaching works. I also specialize in helping parents and partners understand the connection between marijuana and bipolar disorder symptoms.

***

Over seven years ago, I started coaching partners and family members of people with bipolar disorder as an addition to my writing career.

I never thought I would find work that I enjoy as much as I enjoy coaching. I feel at home with the parents and partners as I have been where they are- and I remain calm during the crises that many of my clients are going through while we are working together. Bipolar disorder is like a puzzle. It’s not always easy to find the right pieces on your own. It helps to have a coach as a guide.

My coaching practice has room for new clients. It’s a partnership that saves relationships and often lives.

Coaching is not for everyone, but if you are concerned about your relationship with a person with bipolar disorder, it may be a good fit for you. The following link will tell you more. I look forward to talking.

Julie Fast Family and Partner Coaching

My work often involves custody cases, loved ones in the justice system, helping loved ones get into the hospital, problems with loved ones who have a substance abuse problem (especially cannabis) and many more situations that require extreme discretion.

Julie

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Published on September 05, 2017 20:43

September 2, 2017

Are You Manic?

I hear stories all summer about people who go off their meds because they feel so GREAT and then the disasters that follow. It’s easy to think – the sun is just so WONDERUFL!!!!!! when the weather gets nice, you’re off school, you have a vacation, the kids are home, etc.

There is no doubt that summer is wonderful if you were depressed in the winter- but this is just a friendly reminder that when things get WONDERFUL!!!!! it’s time to check for mania. Here are some questions to ask yourself – or ask the person you care about.

1. Are you sleeping a lot less than what is considered the norm- but are still filled with energy the next day? The norm is six to eight hours- mania sleep would be less than five hours for example- or sometimes not even sleeping at all.

2. Did what seemed truly hopeless just a few months ago suddenly become full of possibility and beauty?

3. Are the people in your life commenting on your energy level and that you need to cool it?

4. Are you more creative, but less functional?

5. Do you have the thought that you don’t need your medications as you feel JUST FINE!

6. Are you acting ( or even thinking ) compulsively regarding spending, sexuality, travel, etc?

7. Are you filled with nervous and uncomfortable energy? Is this energy painful and worrisome- but you can’t seem to calm down?

8. Is your mind racing, are you starting to see things and hear things, do you feel paranoid or agitated?

There are two levels of mania– hypomania (bipolar II) and full blown mania (bipolar I). Mania can start slowly and stay at a low level. This is called hypomania.

Mania can also start really quickly and spin out of control and often into psychosis really quickly. This is called full blown mania.

Within the levels of mania- there is

Euphoric (happy! grandiose!)

Mania and dysphoric/mixed mania (agitation, racing thoughts, irritation, anger, feeling uncomfortable.)

I created the Health Cards Treatment System for Bipolar Disorder to help my depression- but they have helped the most in terms of mania. It’s hard to catch lightening in a bottle- and mania is like lightening. The treatment window is SO short.

Please make sure you are ready for the absolutely first signs that mania is starting. Fill out or look at your mania Health Card.

I want us all to have a wonderful summer- not a WONDERFUL!!!!! summer.

Julie

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My book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder has more information about mania symptoms as well.

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Published on September 02, 2017 17:03

June 9, 2017

Common Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

1. Inability to stay in a

job for long.

2. Difficulty working

despite possessing

the qualifications to

do the job.

3. Money problems.

4. Feelings of being

overwhelmed by job

requirements or other

life responsibilities.

5. Sadness and frustration

over inability to

work or get things

done.

6. Feelings of hopelessness

about the

future.

I lived with these symptoms daily until I learned to manage my bipolar disorder more successfully. I want to encourage people with bipolar disorder to see the list as what life is like without a good management plan. Once the plan is in place, everything changes.

We are able to find work that fits our needs.

We can create relationships that help us stay stable.

We can learn to live a life filled with joy and good times vs. life filled with being ill due to bipolar disorder.

The symptoms on the above list still come and go for me. They are always lurking. But I no longer live a life controlled by bipolar disorder.

We can take charge of this illness. My plan is in all of my books. I encourage you to find what works so that you can manage the symptoms and find the path you want to take in life.

I believe in all of us!

Julie

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Published on June 09, 2017 10:11

May 19, 2017

Guest Blogger Noor Baizura: What’s my Unique Signature Relapse?

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by Noor Baizura

Every each one of us is unique.

That is why Stigma deserves a stick in the eye.

Our unique personality, experience and nature

Requires us to navigate how we interact and react

To the people and environment around us.

With Bipolar Disorder, we have unique reasons that triggers our highs and lows.

So we need a unique recipe, set of tools and map to navigate our road to recovery

For our unique and amazing destiny in Life.

There is wisdom in both our pains and pleasures, but are we ready to discover and embrace it?

This powerful awareness and knowledge is what I call The Unique Signature Relapse.

It is only after I studied the recurring patterns in my upward and downward bipolar spirals, that I was able to manage my health and condition with very limited medication and stop the vicious cycle of needing to be hospitalized for two weeks or a month almost every single year.

Previously, when I was falling into an episode, my family and people around me use to notice the change in my behavior, speech and actions way before I was aware that I was spiraling into an episode. As time went by, I grew tired of always having to debate with them about whether I was having an episode or not. Worse still, whether I needed to up my dose of medication that was already blanking my brains out even in small doses.

The worst part was always that, when I was excited about a brilliant idea, and I couldn’t wait to share it with people, they use to shut me off unintentionally by asking me if I had been sleeping properly or if I was taking my medications or not, or worse…that I should take my medication. Seriously?! Man…here I was trying to do something productive and amazing and this is the reaction I get? I couldn’t believe it.

Same goes for any issue that I felt strongly about. It was as if I was never allowed to raise my voice, or stand up for what I believed in, or even tell anyone my two cents worth of what is right or wrong because, being someone with bipolar disorder, we seem to be a champion of creating a mountain out of a molehill. Being emotional beings, we tend to emotionally charge up every single thing out of proportion to the extent that any form of emotional display sends people into a panic frenzy because they are afraid that we will fall into an episode.

Although I do not agree with my doctor a 100% of the time I must emphasize that it is important and good to have a doctor and medical support team back up for the bad days that neither my family nor my brains are capable of handling. Days of too many sleepless nights, till the point of hallucinations, or when you are in that state of being so restless that your body is really worn out and tired as heck but your brain just can’t stop bubbling with ideas and racing thoughts. So you start looking like a half dead, half alive Frankenstein, with cracked and painful heels that can’t stop walking. And when you’re too accident prone, feeling lightheaded and surviving on 5 minute naps as you half stand, half sit. And your face and eyes starts looking discolored, puffy or sunken…just basically worn out. Don’t do that, too many people with bipolar have died from such breakdowns from not seeking professional help.

Same goes for family support. Although I do not agree with everything they say or do, I must admit that on some days, when reality seems to slip beneath my feet, my family tries their best not to be my trigger and help me get back on my feet and get a grip, or just take away some responsibilities so that I can rest, recover and get myself together or take a break and chill, so that I can sleep and eat properly again and avoid getting hospitalized. And if it gets out of hand for them to cope, they convince me to take some medication, just to keep their sanity, so that I won’t end up losing mine.

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Who am I?

They asked me if I am Crazy

As if I have not asked myself before

They medicated, restrained and locked me

As if…my freedom could start a war.

Manias and Depressions

The type that drowned me

and made me soar

Madness and Genius

that crowns me

That has made me score yet numb & sore.

Take me as I am

My Lord, You Created me

And so therefore…

In You I put my Faith, O Guide

Help me Navigate and Win This War.

Last but not least, and like the words in my poem, I must emphasize the importance of believing in God. I don’t intend to come off preachy, but honestly, when all else fails, I mean preferably BEFORE all else fails. To hold on to the rope of God, The Divine Creator, when your mind fails you, your judgement fails you, your emotions fail you, your insurance, your job, your boss, your family, friends, doctors and everyone seems to fail you… having a mustard seed of faith in God goes a long, precious, miraculous and divine way to have something to hold on to when there is nothing to hold on to except for the words that say hold on.

Let sincere prayers accompany your tears,

Till they dry away your tears.

Let sincere and forgiving prayers soothe you,

When anger seems to give in to your fears

Let sincere and honest prayers fill you

Till He heals you and gives you renewed strength

To take action and fulfill your mission

With the Gift of His Power from deep within.

Noor

About Noor Baizura:

Poet. Artist. Author.

4 upcoming books:

“I am Not Crazy… I’m Cool”

Mastering the art of living with bipolar disorder

“The Dog that cried Woof”

Fresh Perspective of understanding mental illness, societal stigma and self stigma

“Living in a Bipolar City”

Navigating the Highs and Lows of Daily Living

“Soul VS Ego”

The Balancing Act of our Heart, Mind, Body and Soul

Corporate Trainer in various Hospitals.

Real Estate Consultant.

Mental Health Advocate & Living with Bipolar since 17.

EXCO member, Assistant Honorary Treasurer and Head of Fundraiser for Club HEAL, a mental health non-profit organization in Singapore that helps to provide counselling, training, rehabilitation, education, eradicate stigma and raise awareness about mental health. Conducts Bipolar Support Group,

Noor, please add your links here. I will make them live.

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Published on May 19, 2017 11:09

May 18, 2017

Chris Cornell: When Suicide Doesn’t Make Sense

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Click here to read a copy of this article on the Huffington Post.

Sometimes, people commit suicide and it does make some sense. It’s scary and upsets our world, but on a basic level we understand. The suicide of Robin Williams comes to mind. He had a history of depression and his health was failing. Oh how we all wish he could have found more help, but I don’t think it was as much surprising as it was devastating and sad for the millions who loved him when he dies.

Then there are suicides that make no sense. They don’t fit in the current life of the person or fit what the person is actually saying about life in public. The partner or other loved ones seem surprised and usually vehemently deny that the person was acting suicidal. Society likes to look for something deeper when they hear that the person wasn’t outwardly suicidal. A possible secret life or maybe the person was lying to everyone.

I have a different opinion based on very personal experience that I would like to share.

There are all kinds of suicides. Some are society based and accepted such as seppuku as part of the Japanese samurai bushido code of honor. For some, suicide is an act of loneliness and despair that fits with what is actually happening in life. This is suicide in reaction to an event.

There there is suicide from an ill brain. I call this brain chemical suicide. These are the people who ‘have it all.’ Who are getting their jobs done and sharing their lives with the public. People like Chris Cornell.

How can these people possibly take their lives?

In order to answer this question, we need to better understand suicide as an illness. Instead of thinking of suicide as a conscious choice that happens when someone doesn’t want to live anymore, we need to see the other side of suicide. The kind of suicidal life I experience.

Suicidal thoughts and behaviors from an illness.

You can easily read about me online. I’m one of the top bipolar disorder writers in the world with over 450,000 books sold. I teach bipolar disorder management. I’m incredibly open about my daily struggles with this illness. By any standard, I’ve got my bipolar act together. My relationships are stable. I teach the people around me to help me. I get on with life despite many physical health obstacles. I help others who are suicidal. I know what affect my suicide would have on my readers. You would think this would keep me immune from suicidal episodes.

It doesn’t.

Last year I moved to the South of France to reach a dream. I did it! I started school and began balancing my work and school life. It was going well. One day, I was sitting in my room in Cannes. I could literally hear the waves of the Mediterranean sea outside my window. I saw gorgeous orange and yellow buildings with clay tiles. I heard the amazing sound of trains from Paris going by my window. It was heaven. I had been a bit depressed for a few days, but just assumed it was from the big change I had in life. Overall, I knew I had made the right decision.

In that moment, I heard a voice say, “Julie, jump out of your window. Jump out now.” Then I had a feeling that all would be better in my life if I just killed myself in that moment. This felt incredibly real. Like it was my own thought and my own desire to die.

There was nothing and I do mean nothing personal in my life to justify this kind of feeling. If you looked at my life in the moment, it made NO sense that I was suicidal.

But there was something in my brain that made sense of the situation. My mood disorder comes with suicidal depression. It gets triggered. I don’t have to be down or upset. It just happens when it gets triggered. It feels as real as breathing. I hear the voice, have the thought and in my case see a movie of myself jumping. Something in me simply yells, “Do it Julie! Do it!”

It’s visceral. It’s magnetic and hypnotic and REAL. Brain chemicals are far more powerful than any drug and when mine go off, I get suicidal. I’ve come close to dying many times.

If I had killed myself in that moment, people would search for the why. Why Julie A. Fast? It’s not possible! She was the one who made it through. She wrote the books! If she killed herself, how is there any hope for me!

I thought of all of these things in the moment that I saw myself jump out of the window. Luckily, my suicide plan kicked into place when I needed it. The one I’ve used for 20 years to keep myself alive. Not everyone has a plan to counteract chemical suicidal thoughts, but I do.

When you don’t have a plan that helps these sudden and inexplicable suicidal thoughts, the resulting suicide can never be explained by what is going on in life.

The chemicals win in these situations. The illness wins. It’s not about killing ourselves. It’s about an illness killing us.

That is a different kind of suicide.

I am not a likely suicidal candidate if you look at my life. But I am a likely suicidal candidate if you look at my illness. There was nothing going on in that room last year to in any way explain the thought of jumping out my window, except illness.

I remember sitting there alone, after I had the thought that I was going to jump out of my window. I started to cry and I said to myself, “Oh my God. I’m a lot sicker than I thought I was.” It took me a few days to figure out that I was having a chemical brain reaction to a new sleep medication. I stopped the medication and the suicidal thoughts were completely gone in two days. I was very suicidal for a week and could easily have died at one of the happiest times of my life.

Chris Cornell talked openly about depression. It an illness that never really goes away. We can perform though it. Have kids and write books and songs and make millions happy with our work, but it’s always there for some of us. We understand this about diabetes and heart problems and some cancers. Why can’t we understand this about depression?

You may read about Chris Cornell and ask yourself, “ How could someone who is married with three beautiful children, in one of the biggest bands in the world, who had literally just finished an incredibly successful live show go to his room and kill himself?”

He has a brain like mine. He was sick. It may have had nothing to do with his amazing life. Sometimes an illness is simply stronger than the person.

The idea that suicidal ideation leaves people alone when they create a good life is an absolute lie.

The idea that being in love and having beautiful kids you would die for is going to prevent suicidal thoughts is a lie.

Sometimes this illness is too strong and it kills someone just as if that person had died of a heart attack.

I didn’t know Chris Cornell, but I do know why some people who seem to have everything take their own lives. I have no idea what was going on in his relationships, but I do know what was going on in his brain.

I’m often overwhelmed with the doom and groom surrounding the topic of suicide. The hushed tones and the shame are misplaced. When we understand and treat suicidal behavior as a physical illness, no different than cancer or diabetes, we will truly end our suicide epidemic.

When we talk openly about the chemical side of suicidal thoughts, we teach people in the deepest moment of suicidal ideation to step back, just as if they were having the signs of a stroke and say, “Wait! This is not me and it is not what I want. I need immediate help.”

I didn’t listen to the voice telling me to jump out of the window, not because I stronger than others. I have no more strength than anyone. I didn’t listen because I had taught myself that this is what happens when my depressed bipolar brain gets sick. We can teach others to do the same and save our beautiful public figures who bring so much love and joy to our lives.

Julie A. Fast

Chris Cornell. You will always be in my memory. You came out on stage in black leather pants with a white shirt and a camel colored jacket. You were fly. The bomb! And then you sang and my brother and I went to another world. You are loved.

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Published on May 18, 2017 13:19

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