Apollo Blake's Blog, page 7
August 9, 2019
Paperback Problems & Other Misadventures
Today I woke up determined to get something done. I didn't care what as long as I accomplished something with my day. I kept thinking of Storm of Masks and what I could do for it... We have a complicated relationship, since it's my least popular book and totally flopped upon release, but I still have a soft spot for it and want it to find an audience even though I think it's kind of slow-paced and boring.
I decided I would revamp the cover yet again. I love the ghostly turquoise cover and I think it fits the mood of the novel really well, but I don't know if it communicates urban fantasy or paranormal romance. It looks like a horror story. I wanted something that would telegraph the genre immediately. I also decided to go ahead and rewrite the entire blurb. The new synopsis is much better so I'm glad I went for it. And the synopsis for book two might be one of the best blurbs/descriptions I've ever written. I'm super excited to share it!
Once I'd finished a new cover and synopsis I decided it would be cool if I could finally get around to creating paperbacks like I keep saying I will. I designed a simple, cute wraparound cover and downloaded a paperback template, formatted everything and converted it to PDF....only for Amazon to tell me the paperback would cost $53.00! Obviously that's not acceptable. I have to bring that cost down to $11.00 or something because I'm not rich and neither are my readers.
I'm pretty sure I chose the wrong size or trim. I guess I should go for something a little taller so it's using less paper? I'll experiment with it a bit this week but for now I published the expensive version because I'd already set it up and I was tired and frustrated. I do like the idea of having fat doorstopper copies of my books just to stroke my own ego, but it's probably not in the cards. Paperbacks and physical copies in general are the main part of being indie I dislike because they're so pesky and time-consuming.
This makes me nervous for the Shadows of Ourselves paperbacks coming up because that book is a beast even in ebook format. I may have to split it into two volumes for the paperback, like they do with A Song of Ice and Fire in France...it's an excuse to make more cute covers so I'll keep that in mind, lol. I have no idea where I would split that huge book in half though.
Aside from that I spent today lazing around and drinking too much coffee. I watched a few episodes of The 100 (I'm finally on season 6 and it's amazing) and listened to the new Trisha Paytas EP which is her best music yet. Advice has to be her best song so far, I'm in love with it!
Anyway, I'll leave you with the new cover for Storm of Masks:
I decided I would revamp the cover yet again. I love the ghostly turquoise cover and I think it fits the mood of the novel really well, but I don't know if it communicates urban fantasy or paranormal romance. It looks like a horror story. I wanted something that would telegraph the genre immediately. I also decided to go ahead and rewrite the entire blurb. The new synopsis is much better so I'm glad I went for it. And the synopsis for book two might be one of the best blurbs/descriptions I've ever written. I'm super excited to share it!
Once I'd finished a new cover and synopsis I decided it would be cool if I could finally get around to creating paperbacks like I keep saying I will. I designed a simple, cute wraparound cover and downloaded a paperback template, formatted everything and converted it to PDF....only for Amazon to tell me the paperback would cost $53.00! Obviously that's not acceptable. I have to bring that cost down to $11.00 or something because I'm not rich and neither are my readers.
I'm pretty sure I chose the wrong size or trim. I guess I should go for something a little taller so it's using less paper? I'll experiment with it a bit this week but for now I published the expensive version because I'd already set it up and I was tired and frustrated. I do like the idea of having fat doorstopper copies of my books just to stroke my own ego, but it's probably not in the cards. Paperbacks and physical copies in general are the main part of being indie I dislike because they're so pesky and time-consuming.
This makes me nervous for the Shadows of Ourselves paperbacks coming up because that book is a beast even in ebook format. I may have to split it into two volumes for the paperback, like they do with A Song of Ice and Fire in France...it's an excuse to make more cute covers so I'll keep that in mind, lol. I have no idea where I would split that huge book in half though.
Aside from that I spent today lazing around and drinking too much coffee. I watched a few episodes of The 100 (I'm finally on season 6 and it's amazing) and listened to the new Trisha Paytas EP which is her best music yet. Advice has to be her best song so far, I'm in love with it!
Anyway, I'll leave you with the new cover for Storm of Masks:
July 25, 2019
Iceblood New Edition Cover Reveal + Sequel Announcement!
Earlier tonight I published a new edition of Iceblood, and it should be live in a few hours! I wanted to publish a new edition because I felt like more than any of my books Iceblood deserved an updated, more professional looking cover. I liked the old one but it felt both amateur and very dated.
The novella itself has been cleaned up quite a bit and I'm happy with the better round of editing and the few bits and pieces of new material it has. They've made it a much stronger story.
And the new cover? Beautiful.
However I also decided to write two sequels, rounding it into a trilogy. They'll both be a little longer than Iceblood, but I've got them both outlined and I'm drafting them once I'm done writing Glimpse and a story Deadly Divine. Glimpse has been tricky but I finally figured out what I need to change to make it feel right.
Iceblood is book one in the Thief Materials series and will be followed by Inheritance and Scoundrel, as well as a bindup of all three. It's set in the same world of Souls of Salt and Seawater and takes place step that book, but before it's upcoming sequel. Rayna and Alice will both appear in minor assisting roles.
I can't wait to show you their covers, but it will have to wait until they're done and ready to publish!
The novella itself has been cleaned up quite a bit and I'm happy with the better round of editing and the few bits and pieces of new material it has. They've made it a much stronger story.
And the new cover? Beautiful.
However I also decided to write two sequels, rounding it into a trilogy. They'll both be a little longer than Iceblood, but I've got them both outlined and I'm drafting them once I'm done writing Glimpse and a story Deadly Divine. Glimpse has been tricky but I finally figured out what I need to change to make it feel right.
Iceblood is book one in the Thief Materials series and will be followed by Inheritance and Scoundrel, as well as a bindup of all three. It's set in the same world of Souls of Salt and Seawater and takes place step that book, but before it's upcoming sequel. Rayna and Alice will both appear in minor assisting roles.
I can't wait to show you their covers, but it will have to wait until they're done and ready to publish!
May 1, 2019
Ian's Fetish & A Twink in The Woods (Book Release + Cover Reveal!)
The new books are live, so it's time for a cover reveal and release announcement! These are always my favourite posts to write. They make me feel productive and like stuff is happening. Which is cool. Cause it is.
Without further ado, here's the new stories:
Ian's Fetish: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07RCBGCNX/
A Twink in The Woods: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RBC2SNJ/
Ian's Fetish is about two best friends and is more romantic, while A Twink in The Woods is about cruising and is more overtly sexual. I have two more stories on the way as well, which are shorter than these but still pretty fun. I may write more erotica soon, but I'm focused on a couple other stories. I want to put out three or four novels this year and I obviously don't have much time to do it, but I tend to write a lot in quick bursts and then sit on stuff and publish it all at once later.
I had a really cool novella halfway done set in the world of Iceblood and Souls of Salt & Seawater, but the file got deleted and I can't get it back. I don't remember what it was called which is probably a sign I would have changed the title, but it's about two men in a prison who become lovers, and their escape attempt.
I do love these novellas, but writing them also made me miss fantasy elements and the supernatural. It's fun to experiment though, and I also have a nonfiction book in the works, which has been pretty cool.
Anyways it's time for me to listen to some music and get in the headspace to write. I have a lot to do tonight and I still haven't washed the dishes. I hope you guys check out the new stories if they're up your alley. Thanks for reading!
Without further ado, here's the new stories:
Ian's Fetish: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07RCBGCNX/
A Twink in The Woods: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RBC2SNJ/
Ian's Fetish is about two best friends and is more romantic, while A Twink in The Woods is about cruising and is more overtly sexual. I have two more stories on the way as well, which are shorter than these but still pretty fun. I may write more erotica soon, but I'm focused on a couple other stories. I want to put out three or four novels this year and I obviously don't have much time to do it, but I tend to write a lot in quick bursts and then sit on stuff and publish it all at once later.
I had a really cool novella halfway done set in the world of Iceblood and Souls of Salt & Seawater, but the file got deleted and I can't get it back. I don't remember what it was called which is probably a sign I would have changed the title, but it's about two men in a prison who become lovers, and their escape attempt.
I do love these novellas, but writing them also made me miss fantasy elements and the supernatural. It's fun to experiment though, and I also have a nonfiction book in the works, which has been pretty cool.
Anyways it's time for me to listen to some music and get in the headspace to write. I have a lot to do tonight and I still haven't washed the dishes. I hope you guys check out the new stories if they're up your alley. Thanks for reading!
Much Ado About a Troll Review
Troll reviews are one of the weirdest parts of being an author. I'm a gay guy. I'm specifically a gay guy who talks about homophobia when I see it, and who gets in arguments with anti-SJWs and incels and idiotic Trump supporters sometimes, because I can't help myself. I'm learning to engage less and less, but sometimes someone just needs to call them on their stupidity or hypocrisy.
The problem with that is the red-pill weirdos have no lives, so they then stalk my social media, find my books and author info, and leave troll reviews of my work on Amazon.
The last time it happened was around the time my novella Wolves came out, and a bunch of awesome people helped me by reporting those reviews. A few are still up, but most are gone, as they should be.
Last night I checked my Amazon page and noticed that a couple months ago someone threw more up.
One of them is for Shadows of Ourselves and the other is for Wolves. The one for Wolves Is actually hilarious because he says he bought it on another site, which is impossible, since it's only available on Amazon. He also calls my main character an obvious self-insert, which is hilarious because the main character of that is a surly twink with a truck and a boyfriend, and I'm a shy fat dude who can't even drive, let alone handle a relationship. He also says that writing a sex scene doesn't automatically make it sexy, which is further hilarity because there's no actual sex scene in that book, and if there were, it would be more desperate and emotional than sexy, because that's not a sexy book. I think it may mention sex in passing, but there's no sex scenes,
The one for Shadows just goes on about how Sky and Hunter are stupid and how I 'write like a teenage edgelord' which is hilarious because Sky IS a teenage edgelord and I wrote his voice that way on purpose. That's the entire purpose of the character. He's depressed and cynical and has to stop choosing to be snarky and bitter and isolated. He's a semi-goth painter with an abusive mother and a grunge aesthetic, and a drug problem. Of course he's an angsty edgelord; if he started the series as a well-adjusted adult there'd be no point or room for him to grow.
The one about Shadows actually talks about the content, so it may be a genuine rant review even though it reads like a troll who has a personal vendetta against me. So as much as I hate it I'm not going to report it, because people have every right to trash my books if they actually read them and don't like them. They even have the right to trash me, if they really want.
But the Wolves review is not only trolling, but also telling random lies about the book and attempting to insult me personally, and is obviously not a verified purchase, so I reported it. That's all I can really do, aside from attempt to garner more positive reviews for both of them to combat the trollish ones. Shadows deserves more attention anyway, but I'm sure the new edition coming out and the sequel following in the early or middle of next year should also help. I have a novella coming out for it before the year is up too, so.
Tonight I got way more done that I thought I would. I hit publish on A Twink in the Woods and Ian's Fetish, which are just silly, sexy fun, so hopefully both of those should be up by tomorrow or the next day, unless Amazon pulls some foolery or decides the titles or covers are too risqué and makes me change them. Cross your fingers it all goes as planned! If it does I'll post cover reveals and links tomorrow as well as add new pages for both of those!
Storm of Masks is now live again, and I made some slight adjustments to the colour filter and text/layout of the cover I like. It's still the same image, but it's a fresh cost of paint. I also have two new shorts to publish tomorrow and the next day as well, so it should be a steady stream of releases for the next few days.
Now I'm going to eat Mini Snowballs and drink black coffee and recover from all my hard labour. Peace!
The problem with that is the red-pill weirdos have no lives, so they then stalk my social media, find my books and author info, and leave troll reviews of my work on Amazon.
The last time it happened was around the time my novella Wolves came out, and a bunch of awesome people helped me by reporting those reviews. A few are still up, but most are gone, as they should be.
Last night I checked my Amazon page and noticed that a couple months ago someone threw more up.
One of them is for Shadows of Ourselves and the other is for Wolves. The one for Wolves Is actually hilarious because he says he bought it on another site, which is impossible, since it's only available on Amazon. He also calls my main character an obvious self-insert, which is hilarious because the main character of that is a surly twink with a truck and a boyfriend, and I'm a shy fat dude who can't even drive, let alone handle a relationship. He also says that writing a sex scene doesn't automatically make it sexy, which is further hilarity because there's no actual sex scene in that book, and if there were, it would be more desperate and emotional than sexy, because that's not a sexy book. I think it may mention sex in passing, but there's no sex scenes,
The one for Shadows just goes on about how Sky and Hunter are stupid and how I 'write like a teenage edgelord' which is hilarious because Sky IS a teenage edgelord and I wrote his voice that way on purpose. That's the entire purpose of the character. He's depressed and cynical and has to stop choosing to be snarky and bitter and isolated. He's a semi-goth painter with an abusive mother and a grunge aesthetic, and a drug problem. Of course he's an angsty edgelord; if he started the series as a well-adjusted adult there'd be no point or room for him to grow.
The one about Shadows actually talks about the content, so it may be a genuine rant review even though it reads like a troll who has a personal vendetta against me. So as much as I hate it I'm not going to report it, because people have every right to trash my books if they actually read them and don't like them. They even have the right to trash me, if they really want.
But the Wolves review is not only trolling, but also telling random lies about the book and attempting to insult me personally, and is obviously not a verified purchase, so I reported it. That's all I can really do, aside from attempt to garner more positive reviews for both of them to combat the trollish ones. Shadows deserves more attention anyway, but I'm sure the new edition coming out and the sequel following in the early or middle of next year should also help. I have a novella coming out for it before the year is up too, so.
Tonight I got way more done that I thought I would. I hit publish on A Twink in the Woods and Ian's Fetish, which are just silly, sexy fun, so hopefully both of those should be up by tomorrow or the next day, unless Amazon pulls some foolery or decides the titles or covers are too risqué and makes me change them. Cross your fingers it all goes as planned! If it does I'll post cover reveals and links tomorrow as well as add new pages for both of those!
Storm of Masks is now live again, and I made some slight adjustments to the colour filter and text/layout of the cover I like. It's still the same image, but it's a fresh cost of paint. I also have two new shorts to publish tomorrow and the next day as well, so it should be a steady stream of releases for the next few days.
Now I'm going to eat Mini Snowballs and drink black coffee and recover from all my hard labour. Peace!
April 30, 2019
Motherboard Blues
Today was a little hellish. The power went out around 4am and was out for hours. Someone hit a power line with her car nearby, but from what I heard she was fine. Anyway my computer wouldn't turn back on after the outage, and I was afraid I'd lost everything, but I opened it up and shorted it with a screwdriver, so it's fine now, but the power button is done for good.
The tower looks like this right now:
I need a new computer really bad but I have no money, which is why it's so important for me to edit these stories and get them out already. I've been getting a lot of work done but it doesn't feel like it because I haven't shared any. I'm quitting pot because it freaks me out so I'll have the mind to write more, too.
Tonight I'm going to finish editing the second novella, pen a new short story, write a new chapter of the current book, and then edit more of Shadows New Edition. That sounds like a lot but it's not. Editing Shadows is hardest, even though it's a copy read to catch any final editing errors, and I'm not adding or changing anything substantial. It's hard reading my own books without judging them very harshly, and wanting to change stuff, but I can't because Shadows is done and published, and all I can do now is clean it up more and not totally rewrite lines.
Anyway, I'm going to go eat something and play video games for an hour before I get to work, and maybe then I can figure out this whole author thing.
The tower looks like this right now:
I need a new computer really bad but I have no money, which is why it's so important for me to edit these stories and get them out already. I've been getting a lot of work done but it doesn't feel like it because I haven't shared any. I'm quitting pot because it freaks me out so I'll have the mind to write more, too.
Tonight I'm going to finish editing the second novella, pen a new short story, write a new chapter of the current book, and then edit more of Shadows New Edition. That sounds like a lot but it's not. Editing Shadows is hardest, even though it's a copy read to catch any final editing errors, and I'm not adding or changing anything substantial. It's hard reading my own books without judging them very harshly, and wanting to change stuff, but I can't because Shadows is done and published, and all I can do now is clean it up more and not totally rewrite lines.
Anyway, I'm going to go eat something and play video games for an hour before I get to work, and maybe then I can figure out this whole author thing.
April 28, 2019
Can I Cook or Not?
Today I got in a huge fight with my parents, and now my head is pounding. My best friend Kuma cheered me up a bit and comforted me, because they're awesome. And I've been listening to all the good new pop music to make myself feel better. Olivia O'Brien's new album is crazy. I also like the new Ashnikko song, and of course, Taylor Swift finally dropped her new single. I didn't like it at first but it's growing on me. She always picks bad lead singles anyway, then her albums have amazing deep cuts.
I made some beats in BandLab tonight that I really enjoy. I made like six songs and of those I think four have potential, so I wrote some lyrics for those to record later today once the sun is up and I'm home alone.
I want to move out really bad but I'm not sure I want to leave the country, I'm kind of too used to it even though it's inconvenient and spooky sometimes. I think cities are scarier because of inevitable societal collapse. I mean, I say inevitable, but I hope it's not, but all the climate change news and deforestation freaks me out. But if I lived in the city my neighbours would hear me singing, and that's awkward. Even though I do post some of my songs online, it's the final versions that I think sound decent enough to share. And even now I look back on many of those songs and cringe. But I still feel a compulsive need to make them, even if I'm too shy to sing when other people are around. Basically everything I do is a random compulsion though, so that's that.
I have a short story in the works I really don't want to finish. I'm just not in the mood to write more erotica tonight, but if I don't finish now I don't know if I ever will. (Note: since writing this I finished it. It was easy and fun, I was just being a drama queen.)
All I want to work on is the sequel to Storm of Masks. I have so many ideas for it and I feel genuinely inspired, but I have other things on my checklist first. To satiate myself I'll republish Storm of Masks sometime soon, since it's down right now. I'm very excited for these sequels. Each one ramps things up a step further, to crazy levels. I've got a few things to finish first though, and right now all I want to do is go play video games and be lazy.
First I'm going to eat more baked potatoes and salad though, because that's the only thing in the world I want right now. I don't know why I have such intense cravings for baked potatoes lately. It's probably that weird Tierra Whack music video for her song Unemployed. I just love the texture of the skins I think, they're super crispy and I drench them in butter and salt and pepper. Plus they're simple to cook and require like 3 tiny steps. If I have to put in effort in a dish I'm either going to burn it or ruin it some other way.
I disagree with my parents on a lot of things but they have finally convinced me I can't cook, so there's that, but I can make baked potatoes, and salad, and that's good enough for me.
Actually since I said that I cooked some honey garlic chicken and rice that my mom said looked good, and she told my brother I'm an awesome cook. So I think she's as indecisive as me. Maybe it depends on the day. I do burn stuff a lot but it's usually because I get stoned and forget I turned the oven on.
I made some beats in BandLab tonight that I really enjoy. I made like six songs and of those I think four have potential, so I wrote some lyrics for those to record later today once the sun is up and I'm home alone.
I want to move out really bad but I'm not sure I want to leave the country, I'm kind of too used to it even though it's inconvenient and spooky sometimes. I think cities are scarier because of inevitable societal collapse. I mean, I say inevitable, but I hope it's not, but all the climate change news and deforestation freaks me out. But if I lived in the city my neighbours would hear me singing, and that's awkward. Even though I do post some of my songs online, it's the final versions that I think sound decent enough to share. And even now I look back on many of those songs and cringe. But I still feel a compulsive need to make them, even if I'm too shy to sing when other people are around. Basically everything I do is a random compulsion though, so that's that.
I have a short story in the works I really don't want to finish. I'm just not in the mood to write more erotica tonight, but if I don't finish now I don't know if I ever will. (Note: since writing this I finished it. It was easy and fun, I was just being a drama queen.)
All I want to work on is the sequel to Storm of Masks. I have so many ideas for it and I feel genuinely inspired, but I have other things on my checklist first. To satiate myself I'll republish Storm of Masks sometime soon, since it's down right now. I'm very excited for these sequels. Each one ramps things up a step further, to crazy levels. I've got a few things to finish first though, and right now all I want to do is go play video games and be lazy.
First I'm going to eat more baked potatoes and salad though, because that's the only thing in the world I want right now. I don't know why I have such intense cravings for baked potatoes lately. It's probably that weird Tierra Whack music video for her song Unemployed. I just love the texture of the skins I think, they're super crispy and I drench them in butter and salt and pepper. Plus they're simple to cook and require like 3 tiny steps. If I have to put in effort in a dish I'm either going to burn it or ruin it some other way.
I disagree with my parents on a lot of things but they have finally convinced me I can't cook, so there's that, but I can make baked potatoes, and salad, and that's good enough for me.
Actually since I said that I cooked some honey garlic chicken and rice that my mom said looked good, and she told my brother I'm an awesome cook. So I think she's as indecisive as me. Maybe it depends on the day. I do burn stuff a lot but it's usually because I get stoned and forget I turned the oven on.
April 24, 2019
All The Books That Vanished
I was rereading old blog posts, and I realized I talked a lot about books that never materialized in the early days of this blog, and I want to clarify what's going on with those books and projects, so you all know, and so I can direct people with questions here in the future. So, here it is:
The Dark Divinity Trilogy/A Darkness So Divine: pending. Originally a novella trilogy, then it morphed into a novel. These stories will be published as Shine & Hex, the two new Lilac Jones novellas, once I finish them. Those will close out Lilac's story for good.
Mirror, I Am: cancelled. It was a paranormal novel I was meant to write with my cousin, but it fell through. She's not serious about writing or publishing and thinks of it as more of a hobby for now. I'm sure she'll do something with it someday, though. She wants to go back to school and she just had her first kid so for now her hands are tied.
The Indigo Horde: cancelled. I may cannibalize ideas from it for future novels, including the idea of the Indigo Horde itself, which was a giant group of monsters I came up with. It simply wasn't meant to be, and I started it four or five times before putting it on hold for books that were actually working for me.
Iceblood 2: pending. I will write and publish a sequel to Iceblood one day, but it has to be the right story at the right time. I really enjoy Iceblood but writing it was a hard task. Josmea is an intense, complicated fantasy world so it's a lot to keep track of. I want the sequel to be longer and a bit sexier, but I have no ideas yet. I tried several and scrapped them all, so now I'm waiting for a more natural premise to come along. The first was just 'lets rob a house' and I want the second to be more complicated, at least a little.
So that's what's been happening with those. I have a few projects on the way I can confirm, because they're actually done and just need a bit more editing, such as Ian's Fetish, A Twink in the Woods, and Just for Kicks. But I also have more serious paranormal stuff coming along if that's up your alley. It's just in certain stages where I don't want to say anything right now.
The Dark Divinity Trilogy/A Darkness So Divine: pending. Originally a novella trilogy, then it morphed into a novel. These stories will be published as Shine & Hex, the two new Lilac Jones novellas, once I finish them. Those will close out Lilac's story for good.
Mirror, I Am: cancelled. It was a paranormal novel I was meant to write with my cousin, but it fell through. She's not serious about writing or publishing and thinks of it as more of a hobby for now. I'm sure she'll do something with it someday, though. She wants to go back to school and she just had her first kid so for now her hands are tied.
The Indigo Horde: cancelled. I may cannibalize ideas from it for future novels, including the idea of the Indigo Horde itself, which was a giant group of monsters I came up with. It simply wasn't meant to be, and I started it four or five times before putting it on hold for books that were actually working for me.
Iceblood 2: pending. I will write and publish a sequel to Iceblood one day, but it has to be the right story at the right time. I really enjoy Iceblood but writing it was a hard task. Josmea is an intense, complicated fantasy world so it's a lot to keep track of. I want the sequel to be longer and a bit sexier, but I have no ideas yet. I tried several and scrapped them all, so now I'm waiting for a more natural premise to come along. The first was just 'lets rob a house' and I want the second to be more complicated, at least a little.
So that's what's been happening with those. I have a few projects on the way I can confirm, because they're actually done and just need a bit more editing, such as Ian's Fetish, A Twink in the Woods, and Just for Kicks. But I also have more serious paranormal stuff coming along if that's up your alley. It's just in certain stages where I don't want to say anything right now.
Confusion & Pizza
I thought today was Thursday, but it's still just Wednesday, which makes me sad. I thought Riverdale would be out, but now I have to wait another 24 hours, since in Canada it comes out on Netflix the day after it airs in America. In lieu of another episode of Riverdale I'll probably spend my morning writing. I finished a short last night, which ended up 2000 words longer than I thought it would be, so now I'm debating whether to draft another erotic short, draft the rest of Glimpse, or finish up my story I Kill Your Gods.
I'm supposed to have the house to myself today at least for a few hours, which sounds nice. People stress me out even when they're not doing anything, even when they're sleeping in another room making no sound, their presence unnerves me. Sometimes it's nice to have folks around, but mostly I find it very irritating, especially since the folks in question are my parents, and although I know they love me, I also know they judge me a lot and I don't live up to their expectations, so that's stressful. I mentioned to my mom yesterday that I wanted pizza (just an offhand comment about a craving) and when I woke up at ten last night, she'd ordered a giant pepperoni for me and a veggie pizza for her, so that was sweet of her. My dad, weirdly, does not like pizza.
My mom and I are usually more on the same page, and I look like her, but I have my dad's irritant personality and quick temper. He and I fight like cats and dogs, which is insanely stressful, but it's better than when I never stood up to him and just let him snap at or yell at me instead. At least I feel better about myself if I yell back, because then I have a backbone, right?
To be fair my dad works hard and is constantly tired, and he smokes too much and doesn't eat enough, so he probably feels like warmed over crap most of the time. But he quit for years and the new started again, so he only has himself to blame.
With that anti smoking PSA aside, I am going to listen to Grimes and get ready to write. Hopefully I have a cover reveal to share tomorrow! I do have finished works I can publish but I'm waiting until my backlist is longer; right now it's six titles total.
I'm supposed to have the house to myself today at least for a few hours, which sounds nice. People stress me out even when they're not doing anything, even when they're sleeping in another room making no sound, their presence unnerves me. Sometimes it's nice to have folks around, but mostly I find it very irritating, especially since the folks in question are my parents, and although I know they love me, I also know they judge me a lot and I don't live up to their expectations, so that's stressful. I mentioned to my mom yesterday that I wanted pizza (just an offhand comment about a craving) and when I woke up at ten last night, she'd ordered a giant pepperoni for me and a veggie pizza for her, so that was sweet of her. My dad, weirdly, does not like pizza.
My mom and I are usually more on the same page, and I look like her, but I have my dad's irritant personality and quick temper. He and I fight like cats and dogs, which is insanely stressful, but it's better than when I never stood up to him and just let him snap at or yell at me instead. At least I feel better about myself if I yell back, because then I have a backbone, right?
To be fair my dad works hard and is constantly tired, and he smokes too much and doesn't eat enough, so he probably feels like warmed over crap most of the time. But he quit for years and the new started again, so he only has himself to blame.
With that anti smoking PSA aside, I am going to listen to Grimes and get ready to write. Hopefully I have a cover reveal to share tomorrow! I do have finished works I can publish but I'm waiting until my backlist is longer; right now it's six titles total.
April 23, 2019
A Game of Laptops
I can't watch Game of Thrones yet because I have no HBO and no clue where else to watch it. We don't have cable or satellite anymore because we find Netflix sufficient most of the time. Now I have to find a way to stream that that will probably be too expensive anyways. Ugh. Instead of doing that I've been reading fanfiction of Ryan and Shane from Buzzfeed Unsolved because I'm a weirdo and I think they'd be cute together. Also I might think Ryan is the most adorable guy ever.
Some relatives visited today. One of my older cousins, Christine, brought me a new nightstand from a set she bought years ago, since she's getting ready to move out of her old house and start renting it out instead, and has to sort through all her old stuff. She mentioned she may just sell the house instead and has been talking to a realtor. It's crazy to me that that house won't be in the family soon, since I have so many memories there. It's the first place I played IMVU or downloaded LimeWire.
Around 2007-2009 I would hang out there on the weekends a lot. My Nan had died and I'd always spent a lot of my weekends at her house, and Christine's husband had died and their son moved out, so we were both lonely, so somehow we ended up pairing up. I spent most of my time on her computer like any pre-teen who didn't have internet at home would, but she didn't mind because she didn't know how to use it.
Actually I'm pretty sure I eventually gave that computer a virus looking at gay porn on it, but hey, I was a preteen boy, and I was deep in the closet. Cut me some slack!
Anyway, I would sit in her computer room/nook and listen to Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé and She Wolf by Shakira, on rotation, for hours, while I played IMVU. I also listened to a Justin Bieber cover of some older sixties or seventies song constantly, but I can't remember the name now. It was in his feminine elf-boy days when he looked like a little Keebler Elf and wore all purple all the time. I actually like that he committed to purple as HIS colour for so long, because purple is Boss. Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree was also a go-to bop in those days. God, I have good taste in music.
So I downloaded IMVU on her computer and hung out in a bunch of virtual nightclubs trying to find surveys to fill to get more IMVU coins to buy avatar clothes with. One Christmas I spent like $100 dollars of real money on it and my parents almost murdered me because I was supposed to order actual clothes for myself, but I was super bad with money growing up. I actually still am but I tell myself I'm not. The truth is I never wanted practical stuff like clothes or new shoes or hygiene products, I wanted more books and IMVU credits and laptops. Constantly.
I think I went through like a billion laptops as a kid. Maybe not that many, but:
The beat up and incompetent debut laptop; I bought it from my friend Caitlin in grade six and used it to download music on LiveMesh, a LimeWire ripoff, paint in MS Paint, and write in the default Notepad. I could only use the internet on it when I stayed at Holiday Inns with my aunt because it only connected to wired internet. I downloaded a bunch of pictures of Naruto Yaoi because that was all the rage in the late-aughts.
The cherry red netbook. This was a beautiful little red Acer piece I didn't take care of enough. It was a grading present because I finally passed sixth grade after failing the first time, but it was also definitely my mom and dad buying back my love after forcing me to move out of the city and switch schools. It mostly worked but then stopped when we fought about the next thing, which I'm pretty sure was me being gay. Anyway I used this to watch Mirror's Edge playthroughs, played a lot of Mirror's Edge 2D, and watched anime speedpaints on YouTube. I would stay up all night watching I <3 Vampires (A web-show CLASSIC) and be tired all day at school. I skipped a lot anyways, since I was bullied, I would stay home reading really long, overtly sexual Harry Potter fan fictions about Harry and Draco.
The refurbished $100 dollar mess. I hadn't had a laptop in like two years, and my dad brought me to a clearance/liquidation hardware shop where they had a bunch of refurbished old Windows XP laptops, which were not that good, but better than nothing, obviously. I had it for a week before it broke and we brought it back. I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower on it. On Primewire, which no longer exists in a reliable form, or else I'd be watching Game of Thrones right now. I might stop by that shop again and see if they have a new batch of cheap refurbished computers. It would be nice to draft in bed.
The actual laptop laptop. A super nice Windows 8 laptop that was the culmination of all my Christmas money from every relative, plus promising my dad ten hours of work to match my half. I had this for a lot of early high school and loved it. I'm pretty sure I wrote Stars Full of Lies, my first actual book, on this laptop for Camp Nano in April 2013. It's insane to think about now. I would stay up all night with this in the summer, drinking Red Bull and writing vampire stories of my own between watching episodes of True Blood. I painted parts of my room orange. And I posted to this blog and my last one with it, I'm pretty sure. I took this uptown a lot and wrote on it in Market Square on sunny days. RIP laptop prince.
The short-loved touchscreen debacle. I bought this $500 fancy touchscreen laptop I loved while I was a seasonal hire at Bath & Body, Xmas 2016. You can find posts about and from it on this blog. I was super excited. It ended up breaking on me, blue screen of death. That was traumatizing. By then I'd finished my seasonal job and lost the warranty on that laptop so replacing it was a no-go. I lost some decent writing I didn't have backed up but most of it was spared. I don't think I finished a book while I had this laptop, but I blogged more than ever, so this blog was at its peak at that time. I want another one like this, and I honestly spent months after getting it trying to touch other screens because I forgot they weren't my laptop.
Anyway, now I'm back to square one. I have a desktop on its dying legs and an iPad older than all my pets. If I win the lotto, which I won't because I don't play it, I'll buy a million fancy laptops and just be able to grab a new one when one of them breaks. I don't know how I'm so rough with them. Obviously though if I have some huge windfall of cash I'm just going to buy my parents a bunch of gifts and throw a wall of money at their mortgage because they deserve it. And also plant some fields to save the bees. I want to create a giant bee sanctuary one day.
Anyway I didn't write a short yesterday, so now I have to go write two tonight. And finish Glimpse. Being behind on things is my brand. But it was Easter so maybe I deserved a break? I sat around and ate a lot of roast beef and squash. Now it's time to work. :)
ETA: I did NOT write two shorts or work on Glimpse the night I wrote this. Now that I'm posting it a day late I feel the need to cop to that, lol. I'm about to finish my first short of the day and start another one, though, so I'm making up for lost time!
Some relatives visited today. One of my older cousins, Christine, brought me a new nightstand from a set she bought years ago, since she's getting ready to move out of her old house and start renting it out instead, and has to sort through all her old stuff. She mentioned she may just sell the house instead and has been talking to a realtor. It's crazy to me that that house won't be in the family soon, since I have so many memories there. It's the first place I played IMVU or downloaded LimeWire.
Around 2007-2009 I would hang out there on the weekends a lot. My Nan had died and I'd always spent a lot of my weekends at her house, and Christine's husband had died and their son moved out, so we were both lonely, so somehow we ended up pairing up. I spent most of my time on her computer like any pre-teen who didn't have internet at home would, but she didn't mind because she didn't know how to use it.
Actually I'm pretty sure I eventually gave that computer a virus looking at gay porn on it, but hey, I was a preteen boy, and I was deep in the closet. Cut me some slack!
Anyway, I would sit in her computer room/nook and listen to Sweet Dreams by Beyoncé and She Wolf by Shakira, on rotation, for hours, while I played IMVU. I also listened to a Justin Bieber cover of some older sixties or seventies song constantly, but I can't remember the name now. It was in his feminine elf-boy days when he looked like a little Keebler Elf and wore all purple all the time. I actually like that he committed to purple as HIS colour for so long, because purple is Boss. Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree was also a go-to bop in those days. God, I have good taste in music.
So I downloaded IMVU on her computer and hung out in a bunch of virtual nightclubs trying to find surveys to fill to get more IMVU coins to buy avatar clothes with. One Christmas I spent like $100 dollars of real money on it and my parents almost murdered me because I was supposed to order actual clothes for myself, but I was super bad with money growing up. I actually still am but I tell myself I'm not. The truth is I never wanted practical stuff like clothes or new shoes or hygiene products, I wanted more books and IMVU credits and laptops. Constantly.
I think I went through like a billion laptops as a kid. Maybe not that many, but:
The beat up and incompetent debut laptop; I bought it from my friend Caitlin in grade six and used it to download music on LiveMesh, a LimeWire ripoff, paint in MS Paint, and write in the default Notepad. I could only use the internet on it when I stayed at Holiday Inns with my aunt because it only connected to wired internet. I downloaded a bunch of pictures of Naruto Yaoi because that was all the rage in the late-aughts.
The cherry red netbook. This was a beautiful little red Acer piece I didn't take care of enough. It was a grading present because I finally passed sixth grade after failing the first time, but it was also definitely my mom and dad buying back my love after forcing me to move out of the city and switch schools. It mostly worked but then stopped when we fought about the next thing, which I'm pretty sure was me being gay. Anyway I used this to watch Mirror's Edge playthroughs, played a lot of Mirror's Edge 2D, and watched anime speedpaints on YouTube. I would stay up all night watching I <3 Vampires (A web-show CLASSIC) and be tired all day at school. I skipped a lot anyways, since I was bullied, I would stay home reading really long, overtly sexual Harry Potter fan fictions about Harry and Draco.
The refurbished $100 dollar mess. I hadn't had a laptop in like two years, and my dad brought me to a clearance/liquidation hardware shop where they had a bunch of refurbished old Windows XP laptops, which were not that good, but better than nothing, obviously. I had it for a week before it broke and we brought it back. I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower on it. On Primewire, which no longer exists in a reliable form, or else I'd be watching Game of Thrones right now. I might stop by that shop again and see if they have a new batch of cheap refurbished computers. It would be nice to draft in bed.
The actual laptop laptop. A super nice Windows 8 laptop that was the culmination of all my Christmas money from every relative, plus promising my dad ten hours of work to match my half. I had this for a lot of early high school and loved it. I'm pretty sure I wrote Stars Full of Lies, my first actual book, on this laptop for Camp Nano in April 2013. It's insane to think about now. I would stay up all night with this in the summer, drinking Red Bull and writing vampire stories of my own between watching episodes of True Blood. I painted parts of my room orange. And I posted to this blog and my last one with it, I'm pretty sure. I took this uptown a lot and wrote on it in Market Square on sunny days. RIP laptop prince.
The short-loved touchscreen debacle. I bought this $500 fancy touchscreen laptop I loved while I was a seasonal hire at Bath & Body, Xmas 2016. You can find posts about and from it on this blog. I was super excited. It ended up breaking on me, blue screen of death. That was traumatizing. By then I'd finished my seasonal job and lost the warranty on that laptop so replacing it was a no-go. I lost some decent writing I didn't have backed up but most of it was spared. I don't think I finished a book while I had this laptop, but I blogged more than ever, so this blog was at its peak at that time. I want another one like this, and I honestly spent months after getting it trying to touch other screens because I forgot they weren't my laptop.
Anyway, now I'm back to square one. I have a desktop on its dying legs and an iPad older than all my pets. If I win the lotto, which I won't because I don't play it, I'll buy a million fancy laptops and just be able to grab a new one when one of them breaks. I don't know how I'm so rough with them. Obviously though if I have some huge windfall of cash I'm just going to buy my parents a bunch of gifts and throw a wall of money at their mortgage because they deserve it. And also plant some fields to save the bees. I want to create a giant bee sanctuary one day.
Anyway I didn't write a short yesterday, so now I have to go write two tonight. And finish Glimpse. Being behind on things is my brand. But it was Easter so maybe I deserved a break? I sat around and ate a lot of roast beef and squash. Now it's time to work. :)
ETA: I did NOT write two shorts or work on Glimpse the night I wrote this. Now that I'm posting it a day late I feel the need to cop to that, lol. I'm about to finish my first short of the day and start another one, though, so I'm making up for lost time!
April 20, 2019
I Want Whiskey When I'm Sick
(Title from the song Thin Line by Honey Honey)
I'm pretty sure in my last blog post I said I'd post the next day, and now it's three days later, but that's fine because I was busy working. Plus I don't think many people read this blog anymore. I used to get 30 or so views per post, average, and now I get like 4 or 5 per post. I haven't published anything new in forever and I don't advertise this blog as much as I used to, so it's fair. I'm sure traffic will pick up as I get back into publishing and start blogging more.
Today I finished another short story and polished up the first chapter of this novella 'Glimpse' which I normally don't do, but it needed a few paragraphs added to really set up the story efficiently. It felt wrong to leave it any longer. Tonight I'm going to write at least three more chapters. I'm hoping I can finish it but I don't want to bite off more then I can chew and intimidate myself.
To be honest I've been very exhausted and on-edge the last few days. I'm a generally stressful and paranoid person and I have no real emotional support network because I find it hard to open up to people or trust them, so I tend to just bottle things up until I inevitably have huge emotional and mental breakdowns. It's probably due to my highly chaotic and abusive early life, but in the past few years I've lost several family members, five pets, witnessed other family members devolve into intense drug addictions that caused huge fights and rifts in the family, lost friendships, had several breakdowns, and relapsed several times with self-harming. For a long time I beat myself up for all my bad choices and failures, but recently as I start to come out of it, get back to myself, and engage in slightly healthier behaviours, I've come to realize three vital things:
I've suffered a lot more than I allowed myself to acknowledge and it really took a huge toll on me that I was in straight up denial about. Things hit you one after the other and you put blinders on to deal with them, existing on auto-pilot for months at a time, so you can only see it all as a whole months or years out from the fact. In retrospect everything happened so fast it's insane. 2016-2018 have been the single most traumatizing years of my life so far.
I can never be the person I was before all this happened. I've spent a long time trying to be the person I was at eleven, or fourteen, or sixteen, and I have to accept those versions of me are gone and I've gone through permanently life-altering and personality-altering trauma. I have to forge a new identity even if the loss of my old self makes me sad.
It's not enough to acknowledge what you've been through. You have to forgive yourself and hold yourself accountable at the same time. The only thing I can control is me, right now. I can't take back my past actions or habits, I can't go back and relive my life or get any do-overs. I have to be better in the present and do things differently, having learned from my mistakes.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm slowly getting back on track with writing and publishing. I'm trying to go outside more even if it's just to walk the dogs for five minutes. I'm cutting sugar out of my coffee nine times out of ten. And I'm being more forgiving of myself and getting better at telling the evil, snide voice in my head to shut up.
I should probably be in intense therapy and on medication, but both of those things cost money, even here in Canada, and I can't afford them right now. Even if I could, I'm not sure I'm ready for therapy and may never be, but I'm making healthier choices and trying to be more mindful, and most of the time I'm able to get through the day by focusing on little things. Writing a certain number of words. Rewatching BoJack Horseman. Doing small chores around the house and escaping into video games. Basically trying to do things that make me feel present in the moment while also distracting me from the things I constantly stress about.
Here's a brief list:
life and deaththe human soulrelatives I've lostfriends I no longer speak tothings I said but wish I could take backthings I didn't say but wish I didrelatives I wish I had a better relationship withhow much I generally hate myselfhow I'll spend my entire life either manic or depressivemy talent or lack of itwhat if I end up homeless?what if the world ends?how will I stop from killing myself?why don't I talk to X anymore?my lack of a high school diplomahow certain relationships will always be strained because of past abusehow I'll never let anyone in again because of said past abusewhether or not I'm redeemablewhether or not any of us are redeemableis there an afterlife?did my now dead pets know I loved them?could I have saved certain people if I knew what I know now?
And the list goes on and on. I imagine scenarios that won't happen and get crazy over them. And even if they do happen in some approximation, worrying about them now only means I have to worry and be stressed twice. So I'm shutting down worries and anxiety and tying to worry about situations as they come. Going with the flow, I guess they say.
The truth is I think I reached such a high amount of anxiety, the part of my brain that handles stress and anxiety just broke or something, and now it barely registers. I overloaded the machine, lol.
Or maybe I'm used to living with such high amounts of stress it's just my new normal.
I wish they would recast me sometimes, like when Marnie from Halloweentown turned into Sarah Paxton/Aquamarine, and Reggie from Riverdale turned into an actor with a less punchable face. If I got to just go away, and someone else had to step into the role of Kai for a day. That would be nice.
Actually, on the subject of Reggie from Riverdale, the actor who played him in season one--who is also in 13 Reasons Why, where I like him better--is caught up in a murder investigation with Kurt Cobain's daughter, over a guitar her ex-husband took in their divorce. It's kind of crazy they do keep asking for the guitar back, though. Her ex sounds like a dick, but if she gave it to him, she gave it to him, and she can't really act like she gets it back now just because she regrets it. Maybe don't give away the last object you have of your dead father's to a man, no matter how much you like him?
Maybe that's just me; I have no problem giving stuff away, including expensive stuff, but I won't if it has sentimental value. I have certain blankets, old stuffed animals, and little ornaments and random statuettes from my dead grandma that I know I'll never give away. It's just too important.
I wish I started keeping a diary when I was younger, but I didn't think my memories would be so precious years down the road.
Anyway, enough of the heavy. I had to get that all off my chest. But tonight is really a good night; I did some good work and now I'm going to make a few little pizzas and do research on Ancient Rome for a fantasy short I might write. I'm excited about the work I have coming up. I stepped on a staple today and squirted blood everywhere and now my foot hurts, so that's not fun, but my dad pulled it out and it's not bloody anymore. Writing will distract me from the pain, I'm hoping.
I've always been very clumsy, especially as a kid, but now it's pretty bad again. If I worked out more my core balance would probably be better, but as it is I run into shit and stumble over nothing and impale myself on splinters. Yikes.
If I hear a weird noise I go explore it, too, so I bet I'd die in a horror movie. The new season of American Horror Story looks like it will be a slasher set in the eighties. The next season the witches come back, apparently, again. So then the show might end. Which is sad. But even if they renew it I think Ryan Murphy is too busy for it, he has a lot on the go, along with his new Netflix deal, so I think he could pass the torch to someone new. I think if he leaves, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, and Even Peters might leave, but I hope fans would stay loyal while the show reinvents itself into something new.
I guess I'll leave you with my current ranking of AHS Seasons from best to worst:
CultRoanokeCovenHotelMurder HouseApocalypseAsylumFreak Show
And if you've never seen the show, but don't like anthologies and want a normal chronological show to watch, go in this order:
Murder HouseCovenHotelRoanokeCultApocalypse
Some people might debate me on this, but here's my reasoning: Murder House is the first season and a good introduction to show as a whole, it introduces The Harmons and murder house, which are important figures, and prepares you for the craziness of the show, and the mythology of ghosts. Coven is next in the timeline, chronologically, and it expands on the mythology of ghosts to introduce witches, zombies, immortals, and also some minor deities and the existence of hell, which is important to the overall story. Hotel then explores ghosts in more depth, introduces the Cortez, and of course features a returning Coven character in an important plot point for the show overall.
Roanoke and Cult may be controversial here for their placement potentially, since they break up the ghosts/coven ARC, but I think they're important asides to explore the 'human nature in times of chaos' and 'the danger of political turmoil' themes that are present in Apocalypse. You could easily watch them in the same order before Murder House, though. Finally Apocalypse reunites characters from Coven and Murder House, and wraps up many of the fan favourite character's storylines in a better way than Coven did. It's interesting to see the casts of two seasons collide, especially when the fate of the world is at hand.
AHS is insanely good but I don't think it's a hugely accessible show for a lot of audiences, so if you haven't seen it, I hope you watch it. I never finished Asylum or Freak Show because I didn't care for them, but I'll watch them all the way through one day, when I get them all on DVD.
I covet AHS, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, American Dad and Family Guy on DVD. Once I have every season of those shows in my collection, everything will be complete. At this point in my life I thought I would have enough money to buy some DVDs, but you win some, you lose some. I do have season one of True Blood, but some of those episodes skip in places, so.
Anyway, that's enough ranting about depression and TV shows today. I'm going to go cook pizza and figure out what to do with my life.
I'm pretty sure in my last blog post I said I'd post the next day, and now it's three days later, but that's fine because I was busy working. Plus I don't think many people read this blog anymore. I used to get 30 or so views per post, average, and now I get like 4 or 5 per post. I haven't published anything new in forever and I don't advertise this blog as much as I used to, so it's fair. I'm sure traffic will pick up as I get back into publishing and start blogging more.
Today I finished another short story and polished up the first chapter of this novella 'Glimpse' which I normally don't do, but it needed a few paragraphs added to really set up the story efficiently. It felt wrong to leave it any longer. Tonight I'm going to write at least three more chapters. I'm hoping I can finish it but I don't want to bite off more then I can chew and intimidate myself.
To be honest I've been very exhausted and on-edge the last few days. I'm a generally stressful and paranoid person and I have no real emotional support network because I find it hard to open up to people or trust them, so I tend to just bottle things up until I inevitably have huge emotional and mental breakdowns. It's probably due to my highly chaotic and abusive early life, but in the past few years I've lost several family members, five pets, witnessed other family members devolve into intense drug addictions that caused huge fights and rifts in the family, lost friendships, had several breakdowns, and relapsed several times with self-harming. For a long time I beat myself up for all my bad choices and failures, but recently as I start to come out of it, get back to myself, and engage in slightly healthier behaviours, I've come to realize three vital things:
I've suffered a lot more than I allowed myself to acknowledge and it really took a huge toll on me that I was in straight up denial about. Things hit you one after the other and you put blinders on to deal with them, existing on auto-pilot for months at a time, so you can only see it all as a whole months or years out from the fact. In retrospect everything happened so fast it's insane. 2016-2018 have been the single most traumatizing years of my life so far.
I can never be the person I was before all this happened. I've spent a long time trying to be the person I was at eleven, or fourteen, or sixteen, and I have to accept those versions of me are gone and I've gone through permanently life-altering and personality-altering trauma. I have to forge a new identity even if the loss of my old self makes me sad.
It's not enough to acknowledge what you've been through. You have to forgive yourself and hold yourself accountable at the same time. The only thing I can control is me, right now. I can't take back my past actions or habits, I can't go back and relive my life or get any do-overs. I have to be better in the present and do things differently, having learned from my mistakes.
So that's where I'm at now. I'm slowly getting back on track with writing and publishing. I'm trying to go outside more even if it's just to walk the dogs for five minutes. I'm cutting sugar out of my coffee nine times out of ten. And I'm being more forgiving of myself and getting better at telling the evil, snide voice in my head to shut up.
I should probably be in intense therapy and on medication, but both of those things cost money, even here in Canada, and I can't afford them right now. Even if I could, I'm not sure I'm ready for therapy and may never be, but I'm making healthier choices and trying to be more mindful, and most of the time I'm able to get through the day by focusing on little things. Writing a certain number of words. Rewatching BoJack Horseman. Doing small chores around the house and escaping into video games. Basically trying to do things that make me feel present in the moment while also distracting me from the things I constantly stress about.
Here's a brief list:
life and deaththe human soulrelatives I've lostfriends I no longer speak tothings I said but wish I could take backthings I didn't say but wish I didrelatives I wish I had a better relationship withhow much I generally hate myselfhow I'll spend my entire life either manic or depressivemy talent or lack of itwhat if I end up homeless?what if the world ends?how will I stop from killing myself?why don't I talk to X anymore?my lack of a high school diplomahow certain relationships will always be strained because of past abusehow I'll never let anyone in again because of said past abusewhether or not I'm redeemablewhether or not any of us are redeemableis there an afterlife?did my now dead pets know I loved them?could I have saved certain people if I knew what I know now?
And the list goes on and on. I imagine scenarios that won't happen and get crazy over them. And even if they do happen in some approximation, worrying about them now only means I have to worry and be stressed twice. So I'm shutting down worries and anxiety and tying to worry about situations as they come. Going with the flow, I guess they say.
The truth is I think I reached such a high amount of anxiety, the part of my brain that handles stress and anxiety just broke or something, and now it barely registers. I overloaded the machine, lol.
Or maybe I'm used to living with such high amounts of stress it's just my new normal.
I wish they would recast me sometimes, like when Marnie from Halloweentown turned into Sarah Paxton/Aquamarine, and Reggie from Riverdale turned into an actor with a less punchable face. If I got to just go away, and someone else had to step into the role of Kai for a day. That would be nice.
Actually, on the subject of Reggie from Riverdale, the actor who played him in season one--who is also in 13 Reasons Why, where I like him better--is caught up in a murder investigation with Kurt Cobain's daughter, over a guitar her ex-husband took in their divorce. It's kind of crazy they do keep asking for the guitar back, though. Her ex sounds like a dick, but if she gave it to him, she gave it to him, and she can't really act like she gets it back now just because she regrets it. Maybe don't give away the last object you have of your dead father's to a man, no matter how much you like him?
Maybe that's just me; I have no problem giving stuff away, including expensive stuff, but I won't if it has sentimental value. I have certain blankets, old stuffed animals, and little ornaments and random statuettes from my dead grandma that I know I'll never give away. It's just too important.
I wish I started keeping a diary when I was younger, but I didn't think my memories would be so precious years down the road.
Anyway, enough of the heavy. I had to get that all off my chest. But tonight is really a good night; I did some good work and now I'm going to make a few little pizzas and do research on Ancient Rome for a fantasy short I might write. I'm excited about the work I have coming up. I stepped on a staple today and squirted blood everywhere and now my foot hurts, so that's not fun, but my dad pulled it out and it's not bloody anymore. Writing will distract me from the pain, I'm hoping.
I've always been very clumsy, especially as a kid, but now it's pretty bad again. If I worked out more my core balance would probably be better, but as it is I run into shit and stumble over nothing and impale myself on splinters. Yikes.
If I hear a weird noise I go explore it, too, so I bet I'd die in a horror movie. The new season of American Horror Story looks like it will be a slasher set in the eighties. The next season the witches come back, apparently, again. So then the show might end. Which is sad. But even if they renew it I think Ryan Murphy is too busy for it, he has a lot on the go, along with his new Netflix deal, so I think he could pass the torch to someone new. I think if he leaves, Sarah Paulson, Kathy Bates, and Even Peters might leave, but I hope fans would stay loyal while the show reinvents itself into something new.
I guess I'll leave you with my current ranking of AHS Seasons from best to worst:
CultRoanokeCovenHotelMurder HouseApocalypseAsylumFreak Show
And if you've never seen the show, but don't like anthologies and want a normal chronological show to watch, go in this order:
Murder HouseCovenHotelRoanokeCultApocalypse
Some people might debate me on this, but here's my reasoning: Murder House is the first season and a good introduction to show as a whole, it introduces The Harmons and murder house, which are important figures, and prepares you for the craziness of the show, and the mythology of ghosts. Coven is next in the timeline, chronologically, and it expands on the mythology of ghosts to introduce witches, zombies, immortals, and also some minor deities and the existence of hell, which is important to the overall story. Hotel then explores ghosts in more depth, introduces the Cortez, and of course features a returning Coven character in an important plot point for the show overall.
Roanoke and Cult may be controversial here for their placement potentially, since they break up the ghosts/coven ARC, but I think they're important asides to explore the 'human nature in times of chaos' and 'the danger of political turmoil' themes that are present in Apocalypse. You could easily watch them in the same order before Murder House, though. Finally Apocalypse reunites characters from Coven and Murder House, and wraps up many of the fan favourite character's storylines in a better way than Coven did. It's interesting to see the casts of two seasons collide, especially when the fate of the world is at hand.
AHS is insanely good but I don't think it's a hugely accessible show for a lot of audiences, so if you haven't seen it, I hope you watch it. I never finished Asylum or Freak Show because I didn't care for them, but I'll watch them all the way through one day, when I get them all on DVD.
I covet AHS, True Blood, The Vampire Diaries, American Dad and Family Guy on DVD. Once I have every season of those shows in my collection, everything will be complete. At this point in my life I thought I would have enough money to buy some DVDs, but you win some, you lose some. I do have season one of True Blood, but some of those episodes skip in places, so.
Anyway, that's enough ranting about depression and TV shows today. I'm going to go cook pizza and figure out what to do with my life.
