Trinity_'s Blog, page 3

Service Dates (or Yes, You Really Can Do That!)

Last year a friend and occasional play partner encouraged me (very strongly) to write an entry about how to get that service itch scratched when not in a relationship. I said I’d planned to, but not right now. Later. And later became months. But I’m reading a lot of posts these days where my answer to the question (and they’re different, but related, questions) would be exactly what I planned to write in the post he suggested. This post.

There seems to be a misconception that one must be in a committed relationship to provide service. That’s no more true than the idea that one needs to be in a committed relationship in order to be flogged. (I am not going to get into a discussion about how everyone gets to decide for themselves. Of course everyone does. But that doesn’t negate the reality that it’s possible to do these things outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. What you choose to do is, of course, your prerogative.) A service date is just like a regular play date, except instead of S&M or rope or whatever, the date is about service. This strikes a lot of people as an epiphany, that we can do this.

When I talk about service dates, I often get responses that include wide eyes and raised brows. Then, almost always, “How does that actually work?”

My response is usually, “Pretty much the same way as an S&M play date works.”

First, you have to find a compatible partner. And you do that the same way you find a compatible S&M partner. You figure out what you want to do. You don’t have to know exactly what you want, but you need to have an idea of what sorts of things you want to try. Then, you talk to people who intrigue you or with whom you have a good energy (or whatever your criteria is for wanting to spend time with someone). See if they have an interest in service. Just like other sorts of play, you figure out where your common interests are. If you’re not sure, that’s okay. You’ll work it out if you just keep talking.

There are lots of ways to have service dates. Some questions to consider:



Do you want your date to be public or private?

This is as important to decide as it is for a S&M date. Even though there’s likely to be no tying or beating (unless you both want there to be), safety is still important. If you’re going to be private, make sure you know the person well enough to trust him/her in private.



If private, will this include sexual service?

I know none of you assumed “service” meant blowjobs, right?

New Addition to the Website: Classes!

Just a quick note to announce that I’ve (finally) added my class list to the website! I’ve taught all over the Southeast over the last several years, both at large conventions and for small groups. Take a look at my Class Page and if you see something you’d like me to present for your group, drop me a line!

Okay, back to writing

Want to meet? Have a quick look at my Events Page!

Wondering if I’m going to be near you anytime soon? I’ve put together an Events Page just for that purpose! Upcoming, I’ll be at Connooga in February and Frolicon in May! I’ve also got a couple teaching gigs in the works, so I’ll be updating the Events Page soon!

If you ever see that I’m in your city, please drop me a line and let me know!

My quick status post

Drinking hot chocolate!

To Newbie, With Love: Surviving the BDSM Community

Crossposted from Fetlife, with minor modification:



I’ve been told that someone is telling newbies that the kink community is all about butterflies and flowers. So I thought I would give you an idea of what the community is, what it is not, and a few pointers on how to interact. This is probably going to be a long post. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: What I am going to say mainly applies to the Atlanta community, because that is where I am based and “grew up” a long time ago. Parts, at least, will apply to your community. Some bits may not. Your best course of action in finding which is which is to get active in your community, watch, listen and think.

Also, this is for dominants, submissives, slaves, switches, tops, bottoms, etc, etc, of any and all genders. Being a particular orientation or a particular gender doesn’t make you immune to newbie-itis.




The Community – What Is it?

At its base, the community is simply a bunch of people whose sexual expression or preferred way of living fall outside the accepted norm. Our kinks may be similar, or they may not. We may get off on beating or being beaten, or we may not. We might thrive in a controlled d/s environment, or we might not. We may be polyamorous, or we may not. We may perv on discipline or bondage or humiliation or sensation play or electricity, or we may not.

We are simply a group of people who are often marginalized by society in some way and we come together for support, education, friendship, and/or sexy times. The public community is a great place to learn or experience flogging, fireplay, rope, needles, wax, singletails, rough body play, spanking, and almost any other physical type of play you can think of. It is not the best place to learn about d/s. For that, you need to find individuals who practice d/s. They can be found in the public community, but being as d/s isn’t as welcome in public settings, they often play it close to the vest. You will have to look closely and pay attention.

We have professional folks, blue collar folks, healthcare workers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, accountants, students and pretty much every other profession you can think of. We have our share of crazy people – both dangerous and harmless. We have predators and prey (both the fun kind and the dangerous kind, again). We have victims and abusers. We have people who start groups and munches in order to gain popularity or validity. We have people who start groups and munches in order to help themselves and other people become better than they already are.

We don’t have leaders.*

Let me repeat: We do not have leaders.

We have people who know a lot about their subjects and are amazing to watch. We have people who know a lot about their subjects and teach it well to others. We have people who know a lot about their subjects and can’t teach worth a damn. We have people who think they know a lot about their subjects and can fake it well if you don’t look too closely. We have people who think they are smarter than the average bear. We have people who are smarter than the average bear. You can tell the difference because the latter doesn’t try to tell you or show off every time you see them.

We have incredibly generous people who give help when it’s asked of them. We have people who donate food, money, clothing, to those who’ve experienced tragedy — or who just need a helping hand. We have people who will come out to support their friends even if they don’t really like the event in question. We have people who offer professional services at a discount to people in the community. We have people who help others move, repair damage to their house, remodel new places and old places. People who offer their homes for meetings, demos, social events.

We have every aspect of society at large represented within our community.




The Community – What Is It Not?

The community is not utopia. You will not find Prince Charming here. You will not find your Fantasy Woman here. (Neither of those can be found out there either as they don’t exist.) You will not suddenly have the perfect relationship because you’ve discovered kink.

The community is not utopia. It is no more (or less) tolerant than the outside world. People in the community still have the same biases they do outside the community. People still judge. People disagree. People fight. People are still cruel and mean.

The community is not utopia. You will be welcomed. You will be taught if you wish to learn. You will not be any safer here than anywhere else. You will still need to use your brain and your critical thinking so you know from whom to learn, who to allow to guide you. Not all people are trustworthy.

The community is not utopia. Mental health issues do not disappear with the discovery of kink. Physical issues do not disappear with the discovery of kink. If you are bipolar, have BPD, PTSD, eating disorders, anger management issues, addiction, childhood or adult trauma issues you will not be cured, healed or otherwise blessed. Keep seeing your doctors, taking your meds, going to your groups.

And in case I was too vague or subtle (because people say that about me): the community is not utopia.




Advice on how to “survive” the community

The first suggestion has already been mentioned:
Use your brain.

So many people — especially women — seem to forget all the tools they used in the outside world in order to decide who to trust and who is a fucking moron. You get that weird feeling in your gut that something’s wrong? Listen to it! Someone’s story doesn’t quite match up? Pay attention and do some research.

Second:
Don’t gossip. Don’t believe everything you hear.
If you don’t have first hand knowledge of something (ie – you were there), don’t talk about it like you do. Do refer those looking to the people involved or who actually witnessed what happened. Also, don’t assume that when someone tells you about an incident that it means they were there. Critical thinking is important. You know how the world works. Don’t forget those lessons you learned the hard way “out there.” They still apply here.

Third:
Slow down.
Don’t jump at the first dom/sub who catches your attention! For fuck’s sake, don’t do that. Learn how New Relationship Energy feels in this new environment. The first time you control someone or are controlled by someone, it’s easy to feel like they were meant for you. As if the gods of kink had smiled down upon you and the leather-clad angels sang the song of Solomon in lilting voices. Sure, some people are still with their first partners, just like some high school sweethearts are still together. But most of us aren’t. They are the exceptions, not the norm. And the chances of your very first partner being your “One” (if that’s what you’re looking for) are slim. Additionally, since you’re just now venturing out, you don’t even know what you really need out of a relationship. You don’t know what you like, what you hate, etc. But you have time. If this person really is your One, that’s not going to change in a year’s time. Slow down.

Fourth:
Don’t assume.
Just because someone runs a munch, or looks great throwing a flogger, does not mean that person is more trustworthy or in any way elevated above others. They are just people who run a munch or look good with a flogger, until you learn more about them. Do your due diligence when it comes to play partners. Remember, we don’t have leaders.

Fifth:
Be proactive.
No one else is responsible for your happiness or your safety. That is all you. Understand the situations you choose to get into, realize that as you go through life with this new path, you are going to learn more and more about yourself. Learn how to be safe. Think for yourself. Figure out what you need in order to be safe, to be happy. These are things that will change over time and that’s okay. Don’t just have one or two sources for anything, including education. Learn from everyone.

In the end, the community is just a bunch of people. It’s no safer than any other community. It’s no scarier than any other community. It’s no more trustworthy than any other community. Use your brain, your critical thinking, your logic. Understand yourself and the people you play with.

Don’t assume just because you found the kinky community, that now everything is going to be butterflies, flowers and cute little kitties.




*  The term “leaders” in this post refers to the idea of “community leaders,” those who are chosen or viewed as people who lead the community in a direction the community wishes to go. Some groups do have leaders — a Board of Directors or some other chosen entity which does lead its own particular group. This note does not refer to them, but to the idea that there are leaders of the entire community.

The Awesome BDSM Exchange Podcast has Arrived!

I have this friend. We’ll call him Aeo. Aeo and I have this weird tendency to have hours-long conversations at random times. The topics of these conversations, very very often, are some aspect of BDSM theory. Thoughts about relationships and about kinks and about all the strange, fun, interesting, and scary things that can happen within the BDSM lifestyle. We learn about each other and about ourselves. We both serve to check each others’ thinking (sometimes nonconsensually

Caly’s Game is an EPIC eBook Award Finalist!

So about a week and a half ago, I was in bed for about 3 days. I’d contracted food poisoning somewhere. I will spare you the details (which are, as you might expect, really gross). But I do want to share what I got in the midst of that miserable time. It’s this:

What a wonderful way to start 2016!

EPIC, the Electronic Publishing Internet Coalition, would like to
congratulate you on being chosen as one of our eBook finalists.

Congratulations!

How freaking cool is that? I believe the winners are usually announced in March, so we’ve got a little while to wait to find out if I won, but really, I’m ecstatic just to be a finalist with my first book!

Frolicondoms!

Easter weekend every year brings Frolickers to Atlanta. It’s springtime. In springtime, we frolic! Frolicon is an annual convention for geeks and freaks. It’s for kinky folks, sex-positive folks, fandoms, cosplayers, and pretty much anyone with an open mind who wants to simply be themselves for a weekend.

Caly’s Game was released the Tuesday before Frolicon and so I got this great idea to order condoms for the registration bags! Great promo item, right? Right! And it totally was. I admit to not entirely thinking through the effort of sticking little 2″x 2″ stickers onto 3000 condoms. But it all worked out — hubby helped! — so it was fine.

I thought it would be funny to get a picture of me in the middle of the living room floor, surrounded by 3000 condoms. I posted on Twitter something to the effect, to which my lovely friend, Annabel Joseph responded thusly:


Time went by, as it does… and then this happened:


When I tweeted it, with Annabel tagged, she was simply overcome!

Followed up quickly by:


And so Annabel’s wish is my command! (It really just gives me someone to blame for slathering the intarwebz with my condom-drowned mug   ) You should totally follow her on Twitter!

The condoms went over really well. I had more than one person come up to me at Frolicon and say something along the lines of, “Your condom has been well and truly used!” And who doesn’t like to hear that about their condoms? 

Maybe I’ll do it again next year. In the meantime…

Halp….?

Intentional Blogging

In my life, especially in my writing and in my kink, I’m a big fan of the idea of intent. We have rules or guidelines we’re meant to follow in life. Cultural guidelines, spiritual or religious guidelines, guidelines for relationships, guidelines for writing… we have guidelines everywhere. Guidelines don’t have to be followed. But I believe they are there for a reason — usually because they often provide good results when followed. We can depart from the guidelines. I find that the departures work best when we have a reason to do it differently, when we depart from the guidelines with awareness — an active decision, rather than just not paying attention — and intent.

I’m taking this course called Intentional Blogging. Certainly, just the title of the course spoke to me, appealed to me. Though I’ve had blogs in various places for a long time, one of the things I recognize about myself is that I sit there and think, “What the hell should I post? I have no idea what to say. Why would people want to hear what I have to say?” I’m good if I’m writing for a specific purpose. But, much in the same way a blank page when writing fiction can be daunting, trying to figure out what to put into a blog post can freeze me up. And then I just never post.

For the second lesson of Intentional Blogging, he asks us to narrow the subject down to Theme and Objective. Obviously, the subject here is, most often, going to be BDSM. I think my Theme can be whittled down to BDSM, in both reality and fiction. It’s important to me that folks at least understand reality versus fantasy. It’s totally cool to disregard the reality in favor of the fantasy. But like with most things, I think it is best done with intent — which is probably why I liked the name of this course. I believe it’s important to be active and aware in choosing to focus on fantasy rather than reality, rather than doing it without consciousness or simply by virtue of ignorance.

So that leads me to my Objective. I’ve listed my Objective for this blog as wanting to educate people about real BDSM so they can enjoy good fictional BDSM more fully.

Maybe that’s a bit pretentious? I don’t know. I can’t tell. But I do know that I love shared knowledge, both giving and receiving (I guess that makes me a knowledge switch! ). So that’s sort of what I’d like to see for this blog, overall.

What do you think?

Buy links! Amazon Pre-order! :)

So, you can pre-order Caly’s Game right now on Amazon! Squeee!

If you’d rather get it a little cheaper and don’t mind doing it at/after release date of March 31, make sure to bookmark the Loose Id order page!

Super excited!