Trinity_'s Blog, page 2

Quick Publishing Update!

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The publisher of Caly’s Game has closed its doors, which lit a fire under my ass to get on with the indie publishing of it and other stories. Earlier this week, the rights to Caly’s Game reverted back to me and so it was officially removed from all retail sites. Now I can go full steam ahead with self-publishing! Whee!

Here’s the plan:

Within the week: Re-publish *Caly’s Game* e-book

I almost have the e-book ready to go. I’m just waiting on one thing and then I need to put it all together and get it uploaded to all the sites.

March 30: Publish Caly’s Game print edition

Caly’s Game will also be available in a print edition! Squee! It’s taking a bit longer because it has additional logistics to be worked on. But there will be a print edition!

April 20: Publish Sanctum Shorts: Caly & Evan e-book

Sanctum is the dungeon in Caly and Evan’s community. Readers were not introduced to it specifically in Caly’s Game but will get a taste of it in the first Sanctum Short I’ll be releasing. Sanctum Shorts are going to be a series of vignette stories which will be kinky scenes from the lives of the people who populate the world of Sanctum. The initial installment features Caly and Evan in Caly’s first ever public scene at Sanctum!

The story is finished and currently with beta readers and I expect to have the cover done and have it published on April 20. Sanctum Shorts will be published as e-books, though after I have several, I may compile them into an anthology which would be available for print as well.

May 15: Publish Miriam’s Collar in print and e-book

That’s right! I’m shooting to have book two of the Sanctum Series available in time for Frolicon!! This book features Miriam, who is one of the co-founders of Sanctum and just coming back out into the community. Also Griffith, a transplant from the west, who’s been in the Sanctum community for about a year and is just beginning to be interested in learning about d/s, after several years of expertise in inflicting pain.

So that’s the plan! I’m going to be putting together a Street Team to help get the word out about the books, so keep an eye out for a post about joining that, if you’re interested

SWLC Post, the Second: The Weakest Link

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This post is the second in a small group of posts that all go together. If you haven’t yet, please read SWLC Post, The First: You Can’t Say No to the Universe.

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This writing isn’t going to be a point by point accounting of what happened at Southwest Leather Conference. That would take a lot more words than I really have time to get down. But I am including the highlights, the important bits, so that readers can connect this experience with what came before and with what will come after.

I arrived at SWLC a day late, due to a canceled flight, but several hours earlier than planned, due to an awesome gate agent at the Southwest Airlines counter. By the time I got settled into my room and checked in to the con, there was only one class left for the day and it was one of the ones I’d really wanted to attend. So even though I’d missed the other one I’d really wanted to attend, at least I got one out of two. The session was *The Alchemy of M/s* taught by Master Obsidian & slave namaste. And here is where I had my first epiphany of the conference.

I Am That

The class was about spiritual transformation, including taking ownership of oneself and the steps for how to do that. This resonated with me because of my own Year of Living Uncomfortably journey. Historically, my YoLU journey has been about finding parts of myself, creating the self that I want to be, and facing things about both my body and my mind that are difficult or problematic for me on different levels.

The Universe had decided that I needed to restart my YoLU in 2017 and that the theme this time was suffering. I didn’t see that as being connected to the previous YoLU, so I simply pursued it, assuming I would figure things out as I went.

I’m not going to talk about the entire Alchemy class, but if you get a chance to experience it first-hand, I would heartily recommend it. The main part that I took with me was about facing your shadows, but even more than facing them: accepting them and *embracing them* as a part of you.

Whew. That’s hard. I mean, it’s just hard, in general, right? It is a thing I’ve been working on about my body and body image for years. But I think that because of the intense focus in that direction, there are other shadows I’ve maybe overlooked. So the class opened my eyes to other aspects about myself (or potential aspects) that I hadn’t thought about confronting.

The phrase that they used to encompass the acceptance of the shadows is, “I am that.”

My mind has always been my shield and so the idea that someone might think I am stupid used to be a very strong trigger for me. (And I’m using “trigger” in the sense that it triggered a particular reaction, not in the psychological sense of a trauma trigger.) I would react intensely on an emotional level and would sometimes lash out verbally if someone called me stupid. I’ve mellowed a lot in my old age, but it’s still something that affects me and I have to actively manage myself internally when it happens.

But sometimes I am stupid. I’m human. I make stupid mistakes or have stupid thoughts or just act in a stupid way. Certainly, I don’t ever want to admit that, but here I am

FromFet: Control vs. Consent

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Originally posted 29 July 2014

So this thread popped up in my feed tonight. (Edited to add, for those not on Fet: this thread was titled Who is *really* in control, and argued, in part, that the bottom in any scene has more control — all the control, really — than the top.) I don’t disagree with her overall sentiment, which seems to be, “Tops, don’t be assholes to your bottoms or you may find you have none.” I can get behind that sentiment 100%.

My issue is the misuse or ambiguous use of terms. In BDSMland, it’s become habit to assume no words have any meanings and we get to define every meaning for ourselves (which makes it really scary when the word that’s redefined is “no,” but that’s an entirely different post).

As such, people have gotten a bit lax with what terms they use when they’re talking about this or that. But words do have meanings and, especially in a medium like Fet, which is 85% text based, it’s important to use the right words to convey your meaning accurately. Otherwise, there’s all sorts of confusion (and often soundbites that make no sense if one really thinks about them).

One thing I’ve seen (for a long time, actually — not a new occurrence) is the idea that 1. consent to a thing = control of the entire situation, and 2. the bottom has all of the power to end a scene. I’m quoting my response to the thread linked above, because it encapsulates pretty well my thinking on that whole idea.

From the original post:

The bottom is ALWAYS in control. Always.

My response:

I’d note that the ability to end an interaction/scene/relationship is not the same as being “in control.” You’re conflating two different things (control and consent) and, at the same time, attributing more importance to one person when, in reality, that power — the power to end things (consent) — is perfectly equal.

The bottom doesn’t have any more power or control to end things than the top does. Both can end things at any time for any reason or no reason at all, period. So the bottom doesn’t have any more “control” of whether the scene moves forward than the top. Both share the power equally.

The nuance of this power is that the top must actively acknowledge the bottom’s withdrawal of consent, because the top is the one usually acting in an s/m scene. The bottom doesn’t have to actively acknowledge the top’s withdrawal of consent because, most likely, the top simply stops. This nuance is what usually makes people think the bottom has or should have more control to end the scene. But that’s a misunderstanding of a complex situation. The ability to withdraw consent is equal.

For me, “in control” with regards to BDSM, but particularly d/s, is about an ongoing guidance of the events at a macro (and sometimes micro) level. It is not about who can end what. (And even if it were, the idea that all the control is exclusively in the bottom’s hands is ridiculous, because consent comes from both sides.)

Being “in control” is entirely different than the power to end. It’s the ability and drive to be the guiding force within an interaction/scene/relationship. When I top, we both have the ability to end the scene, but I am most definitely the one in control (ask anyone who’s bottomed to me). In my M/s relationship, I am also most definitely not the one “in control” (though he grants me a lot of freedom of control).

To my mind, if it’s the bottom who’s “in control,” then it’s the bottom who’s the dominant and the top who is the submissive. If the statement is about consent (rather than who’s in control), then that power is shared equally.

 

 

 

 

Originally posted on Fetlife.

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SWLC Post, The First: You Can’t Say No to the Universe

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This is crossposted on Fetlife.

February 2018

Sometimes, to really understand a thing, we must know what came before.

This is what came before.

I.

I don’t believe in God. I haven’t in a long time. I do believe that there is sometimes something that moves things into place for outcomes to happen. Maybe that is God. Maybe that is the Universe (that’s what I call it). Maybe that is some collective human consciousness that fiddles with things for some reason that we can’t know consciously.

I just know that sometimes, in some cases, shit comes together in an unexpected way and I end up doing a thing I didn’t think I would be able to do, or having an opportunity that I had no idea I needed, or getting a message — over and over again — that I may think I understand in the moment, but that I discover later is much bigger and broader in scope that I ever realized.

II.

The Universe has been bossing me around since last summer.

Submissive Journey Weekend was in August last year, which is a couple months later than its usual time. Unfortunately, I had a previously scheduled local teaching engagement that Saturday, so I was unable to go. And I really wanted to go. I hadn’t been in a few years and a good friend was teaching a class I wanted to attend. But it was not in the cards for me.

Until it was.

My teaching engagement was rescheduled (this was due in part to my actions, not the Universe’s), but by then, there was a waiting list. And, truth be told, I didn’t have the money to go without the cost off-set of presenting. But, of course, the presenters had long been established. So I resigned myself again to it not being in the cards for me.

Until it was.

I happen to share a brain with one of the SJW organizers. She and her hubby had come over to hang out one afternoon about four weeks before SJW. Over the course of our conversations that day, she said, “So, if we had a spot open up on our presenter roster at SJW, would you be interested in presenting?” And of course I said yes. She said there wasn’t one at that time, but she thought that one might open up and she would let me know.

Two weeks before SJW, I was going to SJW.

I was able to attend my friend’s class (although that was an unsure thing, because I was originally scheduled to teach at the same time; but again, the Universe fixed it) and the result was that I got various messages in that class and the subsequent conversations after which led me to restart my Year of Living Uncomfortably (I will be cross-posting the Fetwriting linked here soon).

The YoLU restart was about suffering, so it seemed much different than the previous YoLUs I’d done, which were, in great part, about facing and working on my body image issues, which have plagued me since… well, always.

III.

The following month, at Dragon Con, the Universe started talking to me again. There were at least five different instances where I was getting the same message from different people in different ways and in mostly different wording. Mostly different wording.

Twice I heard, almost in these exact words, “Your body is more than a bag to carry your brain around in.” And the other messages were essentially the same thing in different words, often also including the idea that the brain and the body are intricately connected. It’s all connected.

I heard it over and over again in conversations I had with people and, in one instance, from a bestselling author who was on our stage, talking about how she had made some changes in her life in the past year and was taking better care of her body, because she realized that “my body is more than a bag to carry my brain around in.” This was the second time in two days I’d heard almost this exact phrasing.

Okay, Universe. Message received!

See, through my teens and twenties (and part of my thirties), the majority of attention I got for my body was negative. I wouldn’t even say that 10% of the attention paid to my body was positive. Some of the negative things were cruel — very cruel — comments; some were little comments; some were backhanded compliments (”You have such a pretty face…”).

But I was smart. And I was a fast thinker. And I was a good writer. So my body became my enemy and my brain became my shield.

My body has been my enemy for a very long time.

IV.

Sometime in 2008 or 2009 an old friend of mine came back from Southwest Leather Conference positively raving about it. She was especially excited about the Dance of Souls, a hook pull event, that she described as transcendent and deeply moving, paradigm-shifting even.

Since then, I’d wanted to go, though hadn’t for various reasons — sometimes financial, sometimes because of time, sometimes because of priority. Over the years though, more and more of my friends began attending and they all said, “You need to go to SWLC.” And I wanted to go more and more.

In late 2017, the person with whom I share a brain was awarded the SWLC scholarship for 2018, which is given to folks who serve their communities or the overall kink community in general. It was well-deserved. She is a badass

FromFet: Sekrits & Living Uncomfortably – An Origin Story

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I am going to be posting about the current Year of Living Uncomfortably over the next several weeks, so I thought it would be worthwhile to post here about when it started. There are a lot of things referenced here that may not be the reality anymore (such as people not knowing how I identify, and Duckstock, which is no longer happening), but it was all true then.

This is an old post, written in 2010, but it’s the beginning. And to understand the now, you will need to understand the then.

Originally posted 14 June 2010

I don’t often share personal information publicly (read: never) but 2010 is my year of living uncomfortably.

Someone told me a few months ago that when he went to Duckstock for the first time, it changed his life. And while I took that at face value and believed that it had changed something in his life, a part of me sat back and said, “Come on. It’s kinky camping. How can that be so very life changing?”

Most people in the Atlanta community think they know how I identify. Only a very few really know.

After a break-up in January, I decided that this year is the year of living uncomfortably. I decided to do things that I’d wanted to do, or was a little afraid to do. I decided to try to step outside the box I’ve been living in for a long time. Don’t get me wrong. I like this box. It’s a very comfortable box and I enjoy the things I do within it. But I wouldn’t know what I might be missing if I never stepped outside of my lovely box and its fun times. And being without a d/s relationship, I could decide exactly what I wanted to do and when.

I decided to not let my fears, my hang-ups, keep me from trying new things. I decided to do things that I'd wanted to do, or was a little afraid to do. #YoLU
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A couple years ago, I lost an extremely important part of myself. I thought (was afraid) it was gone forever. I know, that sounds terribly melodramatic. After awhile, I realized that it was just in hiding. Pretty deep hiding. I had no idea what to do about it. I got caught between wanting it back and being afraid of it coming back. I’d been hurt very badly the last time it was out in full force. So I vacillated. I felt unsteady and a bit lost. I found myself also bouncing between desperately trying to draw that part out and also trying to ignore it. Desperation is never pretty. Working to cross-purposes never turns out well.

This is my idea of “roughing it.”

As part of my year of living uncomfortably, I attended Duckstock. It turned out to be the weekend of living uncomfortably. I am not a camping girl. I am a Hilton girl. I’ll do Marriott and Starwood too. Motel 6 is roughing it for me. I have sisters in this hotel-hood. We commiserate. I own this. I am not ashamed. But, this should give an idea about how just going made me uncomfortable. But I signed up, and I went.

I had an epiphany earlier this year and I had several small realizations as well. The epiphany is private. It doesn’t go here. But the realizations…. I had to confront the idea that I’m afraid of the hidden part of me that I still wanted back. The vulnerability associated with that bit of me (which is most of me, if I’m being really honest) is terrifying. I had to confront the idea that what I want/need more than anything may be something I will never have. And the return of that missing part will just make the not-having-what-I-want/need worse. And I had to resign myself to that. I’m still working on that part.

At Duckstock, through the universe’s immense mercy (or simply a fortuitous and happy event), I managed to stay in a cabin (read: shed with beds), rather than a tent. I had great roomies. Five of us crammed into a shed and there was NO drama. None. I can’t tell you how the anti-drama of my shed-mates helped me that weekend. There was very mild snoring and the occasional view of the monkey butt, but those weren’t bad situations at all (the monkey butt was kinda nice, truth be told

FromFet: To Newbie, With Love

Originally posted 14 November 2011

I’ve been told that someone is telling newbies that the kink community is all about butterflies and flowers. So I thought I would give you an idea of what the community is, what it is not, and a few pointers on how to interact. This is probably going to be a long post. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: What I am going to say mainly applies to the Atlanta community, because that is where I am based and “grew up” a long time ago. Parts, at least, will apply to your community. Some bits may not. Your best course of action in finding which is which is to get active in your community, watch, listen and think.

Also, this is for dominants, submissives, slaves, switches, tops, bottoms, etc, etc, of any and all genders. Being a particular orientation or a particular gender doesn’t make you immune to newbie-itis.

The Community – What Is it?

At its base, the community is simply a bunch of people whose sexual expression or preferred way of living fall outside the accepted norm. Our kinks may be similar, or they may not. We may get off on beating or being beaten, or we may not. We might thrive in a controlled d/s environment, or we might not. We may be polyamorous, or we may not. We may perv on discipline or bondage or humiliation or sensation play or electricity, or we may not.

We are simply a group of people who are often marginalized by society in some way and we come together for support, education, friendship, and/or sexy times. The public community is a great place to learn or experience flogging, fireplay, rope, needles, wax, singletails, rough body play, spanking, and almost any other physical type of play you can think of. It is not the best place to learn about d/s. For that, you need to find individuals who practice d/s. They can be found in the public community, but being as d/s isn’t as welcome in public settings, they often play it close to the vest. You will have to look closely and pay attention.

We have professional folks, blue collar folks, healthcare workers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, accountants, students and pretty much every other profession you can think of. We have our share of crazy people – both dangerous and harmless. We have predators and prey (both the fun kind and the dangerous kind, again). We have victims and abusers. We have people who start groups and munches in order to gain popularity or validity. We have people who start groups and munches in order to help themselves and other people become better than they already are.

We don’t have leaders.*

Let me repeat: We do not have leaders.

We have people who know a lot about their subjects and are amazing to watch. We have people who know a lot about their subjects and teach it well to others. We have people who know a lot about their subjects and can’t teach worth a damn. We have people who think they know a lot about their subjects and can fake it well if you don’t look too closely. We have people who think they are smarter than the average bear. We have people who are smarter than the average bear. You can tell the difference because the latter doesn’t try to tell you or show off every time you see them.

We have incredibly generous people who give help when it’s asked of them. We have people who donate food, money, clothing, to those who’ve experienced tragedy — or who just need a helping hand. We have people who will come out to support their friends even if they don’t really like the event in question. We have people who offer professional services at a discount to people in the community. We have people who help others move, repair damage to their house, remodel new places and old places. People who offer their homes for meetings, demos, social events.

We have every aspect of society at large represented within our community.

The Community – What Is It Not?

The community is not utopia. You will not find Prince Charming here. You will not find your Fantasy Woman here. (Neither of those can be found out there either as they don’t exist.) You will not suddenly have the perfect relationship because you’ve discovered kink.

The community is not utopia. It is no more (or less) tolerant than the outside world. People in the community still have the same biases they do outside the community. People still judge. People disagree. People fight. People are still cruel and mean.

The community is not utopia. You will be welcomed. You will be taught if you wish to learn. You will not be any safer here than anywhere else. You will still need to use your brain and your critical thinking so you know from whom to learn, who to allow to guide you. Not all people are trustworthy.

The community is not utopia. Mental health issues do not disappear with the discovery of kink. Physical issues do not disappear with the discovery of kink. If you are bipolar, have BPD, PTSD, eating disorders, anger management issues, addiction, childhood or adult trauma issues you will not be cured, healed or otherwise blessed. Keep seeing your doctors, taking your meds, going to your groups.

And in case I was too vague or subtle (because people say that about me): the community is not utopia.

Advice on how to “survive” the community

The first suggestion has already been mentioned:

Use your brain.

So many people — especially women — seem to forget all the tools they used in the outside world in order to decide who to trust and who is a fucking moron. You get that weird feeling in your gut that something’s wrong? *Listen* to it! Someone’s story doesn’t quite match up? Pay attention and do some research.

Second:

Don’t gossip. Don’t believe everything you hear.

If you don’t have first hand knowledge of something (ie – you were there), don’t talk about it like you do. Do refer those looking to the people involved or who actually witnessed what happened. Also, don’t assume that when someone tells you about an incident that it means they were there. Critical thinking is important. You know how the world works. Don’t forget those lessons you learned the hard way “out there.” They still apply here.

Third:

Slow down.

Don’t jump at the first dom/sub who catches your attention! For fucks sake, don’t do that. Learn how New Relationship Energy feels in this new environment.

The first time you control someone or are controlled by someone, it’s easy to feel like they were meant for you. As if the gods of kink had smiled down upon you and the leather-clad angels sang the song of Solomon in lilting voices.

Sure, some people are still with their first partners, just like some high school sweethearts are still together. But most of us aren’t. They are the exceptions, not the norm. And the chances of your very first partner being your “One” (if that’s what you’re looking for) are slim. Additionally, since you’re just now venturing out, you don’t even know what you really need out of a relationship. You don’t know what you like, what you hate, etc. But you have time. If this person really is your One, that’s not going to change in a year’s time. Slow down.

Fourth:

Don’t assume.

Just because someone runs a munch, or looks great throwing a flogger, does not mean that person is more trustworthy or in any way elevated above others. They are just people who run a munch or look good with a flogger, until you learn more about them. Do your due diligence when it comes to play partners. Remember, we don’t have leaders.

Fifth:

Be proactive.

No one else is responsible for your happiness or your safety. That is all you. Understand the situations you choose to get into, realize that as you go through life with this new path, you are going to learn more and more about yourself. Learn how to be safe. Think for yourself. Figure out what you need in order to be safe, to be happy. These are things that will change over time and that’s okay. Don’t just have one or two sources for anything, including education. Learn from everyone.

In the end, the community is just a bunch of people. It’s no safer than any other community. It’s no scarier than any other community. It’s no more trustworthy than any other community. Use your brain, your critical thinking, your logic. Understand yourself and the people you play with.

Don’t assume just because you found the kinky community, that now everything is going to be butterflies, flowers and cute little kitties.

Well, we do have cute little kitties. But I think you get what I mean.

* The term “leaders” in this post refers to the idea of “community leaders,” those who are chosen or viewed as people who actually lead the community in a certain direction. There are very fiew kink organizations who have actual leaders. Some, with a board, do, and those people lead that board. That doesn’t make them natural leaders of the community. Just like running a munch doesn’t make someone a leader in a community. To find the real leaders, you have to watch and listen.

 

 

 

 

Cross-posted from Fetlife.

What to expect here…

I hope everyone’s new year started out nice and kinky! Mine has started out nice, but I haven’t gotten to the kinky bit yet. I will though, don’t you worry!

Time to Ring in the Kinky New Year!

Happy Kinky 2018!!

I’m glad to see 2017 go but, man, did it fly by!

I’m really excited about the new year, though. I’ve got some big, kinky plans!

First, I’m getting back into teaching and presenting. You can check out where I’m going to be on the Events page here on the site. I’ve really missed teaching, so I’m pretty stoked about getting out there again. I’ll be traveling around more, especially within the southeast, so if I’m in your part of town, come out and say hi! If you run a group or an event and are interested in having me come to you, check out my Classes page for topics and how to get in touch!

The other big thing for 2018 is both sad and happy. The sad part is that my publisher, Loose Id is closing its doors after thirteen years. Things will still be available to purchase through the first quarter of 2018, but there will be no new books.

LI is a really great company, run by four amazing women and they’ve always worked with integrity and honor. The closing is no different. Unlike other companies that have been run out of business by Amazon, they are ending on a high note. They are not in bankruptcy or otherwise struggling financially. They just see where things are going and are closing their doors before it gets so bad that they cannot manage their professional obligations. This is corporate responsibility. A whole lot of companies can learn from their example.

Okay, now for the happy. LI closing has lit a fire under my ass. Here’s the plan for the first quarter of 2018:

1. Sanctum Shorts: I’ll be writing two new short stories, to be called Sanctum Shorts, at least one featuring Caly & Evan from Caly’s Game. These stories are basically going to be hot, kinky scenes that the characters engage in.

These stories will be available in two ways. They will be up for purchase on Amazon, likely for .99. And they will also be given away for free if you sign up for my mailing list, to keep you updated on what’s going on in my world. There will be other Sanctum Shorts in the future, as well. There are a lot of characters in this kinky community, and I’m excited about introducing you to them!

2. Self-publish Caly’s Game: the rights to Caly’s Game will be reverting to me in March. I originally thought they were going to come back in January, and I was planning on self-pubbing by the end of the month, with the Sanctum Shorts in February, and then the new book (yes! There’s a new book!) in March. But with rights coming back in March, I think Caly’s Game and book two will both come out in the same month.

What this means for readers: Caly’s Game will be out in print in addition to e-book! I’m super excited about this! So I will also be able to carry some books with me to events I teach and present at, and I will have real, physical books to sign.

So watch this space around March for the official announcement! I’m giddy

Welcome Back! …or What had Happened Was…

Welcome back to the website!

So, in 2016, while I was taking care of my grandmother, I missed the (multiple) e-mails from my hosting provider warning me that my credit card on file had expired and my hosting wouldn’t be able to auto-renew. When I did realize it, finally, my website was long, long gone. To add insult to injury, apparently I’d moved my backup folder in Dropbox and neglected to update the backup path, so none of it was backing up. It sends an e-mail every time it attempts a backup, but you have to actually read the e-mail to know whether it succeeded or failed. I hadn’t been reading the e-mails.

I couldn’t find any of my own backup files, including all the graphics I’d made for the site. I always back up every iteration of a graphic when I’m making it. But all the graphics for this site? Gone. I have no idea how that happened.

Apparently, the Universe decided I needed a brand new website.

This Patreon image was the only image I’d created that I could find.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!