Tsara Shelton's Blog, page 33

Autism Answer: His Motivators and Mine - A Collaboration

My son, Shay, loves to talk and talk and talk.... 

His "thought train" refuses to stay on the track. Any passengers that choose to board are gifted with surprises and views that they never ever could have imagined on their own. They are in for a treat, as long as they don't mind going along for the ride and having hardly any say in what stops are made or what direction is taken!

With Shay there is a lot of me teaching the art of conversation (you know, where all parties are invited to contribute meaningfully) and him teaching me the art of letting magic and dragons and wings and deeply imaginative adventure surround us. 

It's fabulous and fun! But, sometimes, when I'm teaching the art of collaboration and conversation, I fear I'll stifle his creativity and unique mind. I want him to learn to listen and contribute and allow during conversation but if I stop him from taking over and talking too often I may cause harm. 

When I'm teaching back and forth type chatting I explain that, unfortunately, our world has little patience for listening to people talk almost entirely about the wild world in their brain. 

Or, does it?

No. I know better than that! 

This world adores books and movies and stories that are told masterfully! And my son is doing more than talk, he's also writing a book, a movie, and a short film. 

 Brilliantly, for those times when he needs to talk at us rather than with us, he has created his own YouTube channel. A place to talk and talk and talk and take us along on his "thought train" where we can choose to tune in when we want to. 



 

 Enjoy this video (in which I make a cameo appearance!) from Shay's channel where the video just stops (at around four minutes) because it thinks he's talking too much. tee hee! He's growing to know when to listen, when to add his own ideas, when to dictate dialogue for his film into a recorder, and when to pull out his phone and make a video. 

Shay's ideas are indeed strange! How lucky this world is to have people like him, willing to stand out and seem odd and explore the unique and organic stories that grow where few of us have the ability (or courage) to travel.

One of these days, not too many years in the future I'm certain, we'll be able to see and read his ideas--not as sporadic tid-bits and snap shots, but as well crafted fully imagined books and movies. 

I know better than to rush him. I won't let him sit around avoiding or fearing, but I know well the value of enjoying the ride and learning the skills and not feeling overwhelming pressure. A little pressure, yes. But not overwhelming. 

So, for now, I'll keep teaching the art of shared conversation while I also listen to his magic mind. A collaboration of his motivators and mine. 

It's all so exciting!! 

And, for those moments when I just wanna celebrate Shay and not care about teaching or waiting till his stories are masterfully crafted, there's YouTube!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)


 

Autism Answer: Let's Keep The Conversation Going

I've been an obnoxious fan of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show for quite a long time now. I've adored the attention and fundraising Jon brings to veterans and autism for years, and loved the way he brings laughter coupled with strong resolve to issues he cares about for a long, long time. 

Interestingly, now that he's retired and no longer going to host The Daily Show, he's more popular than ever! Quotes and videos of his are flooding the internet and airwaves. Because of this there are thousands of new people learning to love him (as millions of us have been doing for years).



I'm reminded, then, to continue creating, loving, believing, speaking, discovering and teaching with my world. I'm reminded that the loops and lessons and truths of life are forever there and always available, and as I seek them out and share them with friends it's not the size of our audiences or thundering of applause that legitimizes us or our message. 

Jon Stewart has a gargantuan audience and it only seems to be growing now that he's off our screens and hanging with his family. Very soon, though, it'll quiet down.

But the stuff he helped us celebrate, the laughter and the desire to continuously grow kinder and smarter, that isn't going anywhere. Different faces and voices will always help us learn to think outside the box, as they always have. 

We, too, are those voices and faces, my friends. We parents and children and neighbors and bloggers and book buyers and selfie takers have no less an important audience than Jon Stewart. 

The world is shifted by what we choose to celebrate and how we tell our stories. And our stories, what we write and how we teach and what we do, will be here long after we've walked away from the microphone. 

Many of us celebrated Jon Stewart because he brought laughter and diversity and storytelling into our homes. These are beautiful things to celebrate! 

So, let's keep celebrating! Let's keep celebrating and creating and audience-ing and discovering! Let's keep truth seeking and laughing and honoring diversity!

Life is kind of like a long intimate conversation with close family and friends. 

As Jon suggested in his final episode,
let's keep the conversation going.

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Autism Answer: All Night Chat Fest with Friends

I spent all night sitting outside chatting with friends. These ladies live far away and the opportunity for this sudden all night chat fest was a surprise I almost didn't take advantage of.

Because I don't usually stay out all night I knew it would make my family feel weird. And also because I knew I'd be sleepy today I'd risk being cranky.

But because I'm comfortable with weird and okay with cranky, and so are my friends, the three of us stayed up all night!

Sitting outside at an undisclosed location (a friend's driveway) we started off reminiscing and updating each other on our families. As the night wore on we dug deeper, carefully introducing our fears and scars to each other in the moonlight, and offering each other soft friendly advice. The three of us answered our husbands' consistent calls of concern, all of them worried and confused at what we could still be gabbing about as the hours wore on. And as night turned to early morning, nocturnal sounds giving way to the morning shift, we kept chatting. Sharing the answers of the universe, the equation for world peace, and the truth of all existence. If our husbands only knew!!

Of course, we were far too giddy with fatigue to write all of it down. I'm pretty sure we can't remember all of the life shifting globally healing answers we discovered last night. And now that I think about it, perhaps it was the mix of moonlight and blurry eyed sleepiness that made us so sure of our profound existence. But boy, were we sure! 

One of the topics that we explored together was discovering ourselves now that our children are growing older. All of us women are moms, and we all have children with different mental health issues. We all, also, spent so many years identifying as "mom" that letting our children push away from us meant exploring who we were and who we wanted to be: as women.

And as we chatted, as women, we shared and touched on beautiful and surprising things. It was beautiful and surprising!

Finally, as the sun came up, babies stirred in their beds, and husbands began to fear for our sanity, we said our goodbyes and made promises to do it all again in a year or two.

We are tired today, and we all have work to do.

And it's wonderful!

I hope the universe conspires to offer you such delicious moments, friends! Surprise nuggets of delight that leave you sleepy and nourished and happy!

Remember, in the morning there's always coffee!!

Happy Monday, friends!!
Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Sipping coffee the morning after!

Autism Answer: Watermelon and Problem Solving -- Happy Birthday Hubby!

My husband and one of our grandsons, munching on melon!
Today is my husband's birthday!

Yesterday we hung out with one of his daughters and some of the grand-kids eating watermelon and talking about the challenges of growing older. The challenges faced by my hubby, our children, and our grandchildren. 

And though we were talking about the hard stuff (figuring out how to pay bills on time, finding work, broken down cars, looking for a school that the kids are comfortable in) we laughed, hugged, danced and gobbled down sweet juicy locally grown watermelon while we chatted. 

And that's how we do it! 

We don't pretend the hard stuff isn't real or important, but we don't feel obligated to sit in the stress without pushing back either. 

We bring our joy to the problem solving table.

And, because my husband's birthday would not be complete without it, we bring cold sweet watermelon! 

Happy birthday, honey!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

One of my hubby's daughters and a few of our grandsons. Happy Birthday my love!! 

Autism Answer: Going Out To Dinner - The Gift of Mom's Social Challenges

Growing up with a socially strange mom had its challenges, and most of them were made up in my head.
When all eight of us kids were small, growing up with a single mom struggling financially, you'd imagine going out for meals would be an almost never experience. And yet, because my mom knows the value of learning social skills and loves teaching in real world environments, and because eating has to be done anyway, going out to dinner happened almost every month.
Learning social skills was a pretty big deal in our house! My mom had adopted six of her eight kids, and five of my six adopted siblings had various brain dysfunctions and disabilities. Fetal alcohol syndrome, autism, Irlene Synrome, Tourette's, the list of words we learned while growing up with my adopted brothers is almost endless. Of course, because my mom herself grew up with similar words thrown at her, she never saw words when looking at us kids. She saw people.
However, people in the restaurants we visited didn't usually follow her lead. To them we were messy, loud, rude, inconvenient, and scary. And for too many years, I was on their team.
I liked eating in restaurants because it meant not having the chore of doing dishes. But I found myself always apologizing for my family, especially my brothers. And I found myself wishing my mom wouldn't so rudely expect the world to be accepting in ways it obviously couldn't be.
And anyway, why should it? My brother might steal a french fry from a neighboring plate and my other brother might climb the table or put his lips on your fork, while us teenage girls would likely laugh too loud and make inappropriate jokes, and my mom would just look at both patrons and staff with a curt smile and expect them to be okay with it. Believing that as the strangers watched her explain to my jumping, stimming, squealing brothers why they couldn't steal or lick people's forks, while she allowed us girls to get away with a little rambunctious behavior as she reminded us to watch our language, they'd see she was dealing with us and they would understand that raising a family takes a village. Mom would expect them to understand that we had as much right to go out to dinner as anyone. And almost always at some point during the meal she'd let everyone know that it was too cold in the restaurant and she had to go now. That we needed doggy bags and the bill now.
My mom had sensory issues and synesthesia, and assumed the world dealt with similar issues. My mom had a brilliant mind that saw bigger than "right now" or "normal" and she imaged the world did too. She had an overflowing basket of children and love and bills and challenges and persecution and expected the world to offer understanding, or at least try to.
But going out to dinner often, for me, meant denying mom's wishes. I mumbled apologies and I begged mom to do the same. I gave waiters and cashiers apologetic glances and looked at my own family with troubled eyes that saw mess and inconvenience.
Why did I care so much about the strangers? Why did I care so much that I would apologize in front of my brothers, hinting to them that they were a problem we were carrying around?
Because despite my mom teaching me otherwise I let the staring and fear of strangers speak louder than love, that's why. Because despite the truth that we did deserve to go out for dinner as much as anyone I let the looks and discomfort of strangers tell me otherwise.
But it's also true that my mom's socially strange ways didn't let her put artificial politeness ahead of people. Especially not her people.
Going out to restaurants with my family was about teaching my brothers, my sisters, and I social skills, while giving mom a hard earned almost impossible to pay for tiny break from cooking never-ending meals. It was not supposed to be about apologizing for our challenges. 
While I apologized, mom taught. While I felt embarrassed, mom felt encouraged by little lessons learned. Lessons I was too distracted to notice or celebrate, busy as I was apologizing.
But mom wasn't just patient with my brothers, she was also patient with me; teaching me. And over time, I too learned to teach and celebrate rather than apologize. And quickly we all grew healthier.
I began to see all of us through the eyes of mom, eyes that saw us all as beautifully capable.
Going out to dinner with my family now is still noisy, but inclusive. We are friendly and largely appreciated by patrons and staff. We are certainly strange, but kind. We are unlikely to apologize. And that's the magic.
My mom was socially challenged and rarely saw what we would want to apologize for.
I have finally been gifted with that social challenge too!

Hugs, smiles, and love!! 
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Dinner at a friends house!

*For more stories and lessons I (eventually!) learned thanks to growing up with such a wildly weird and wonderful family, please read my book: Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up.

Autism Answer: Healthy Hilarity For Your Brain And Body

My family loves to laugh. 

We consider ourselves quite funny-- despite the confused looks and wide berth we're often given. Oh well, not everyone can understand the multi-layered brilliance of our deflated balloon boob jokes or hairy chin humor! Often there is an avalanche of grown women running the the nearest bathroom, shoving each other out of the way in hopes that maybe this time we won't pee ourselves!

Well, as you know, my mom is Lynette Louise aka The Brain Broad--a funny and fun international brain and behavior expert. So sometimes when we are laughing she'll say things like: 

"You know, laughing is an intense cardio workout with the best ab reps ever. And it works the muscles in the face and increases blood flow to the brain, as well as stabilizes oxygen/carbon dioxide levels.

The neurochemical release is stress relieving and the change in focus can allow the formation of a new more beneficial habit. Learning what and how and why we laugh increases social understanding and confidence when speaking ... "

And then when she sees us staring at her with the last boob joke still lingering in the air she'll shrug and admit: 

"I could go on." 

And then, again, we'll laugh and hold our pee!

Laughing feels healthy. And when your mom is The Brain Broad, you know that it is, and why!!

So, friends, be sure to eat your vegetables and breath deep and drink plenty of water and laugh blood flow to the brain daily. 

Brain Broad's orders!!
Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 


Have a healthy giggle, friends, while my mom teaches a bit about anatomy to the poor clueless man at the bar. As always, my mom's comedy is insightful and funny! 


Also, for your viewing and healthy pleasure, enjoy the pilot episode of mom's show Living with Lynette. Starring my mom, my brothers, my dad, myself, my niece, a friend, our neighbors and the crazy search for normal!

Autism Answer: Social Skills, Academics, Life skills, and Family Love-Living on Vacation

My little sister, Brandessa, and my little brother, Rye, were hanging out with me at a resort in East Texas. 

We were taking advantage of the timeshare my mom bought years and years ago. Back when we lived in an RV and my mom was homeschooling my brothers because school had done nothing but stifle, scare, and hurt them. Back when we lived in an RV and traveled the country and discovered a resort offering unheard of deals in order to get people in the place and the business off the ground. 

Back when my mom cleverly took advantage of happy vacationers and activity centers to teach social skills to my socially challenged brothers. Back when I was living with mom so that she could help me raise my boys and I could return the favor by trying to help her raise my brothers. 

Two of my sons were born in cabins at these resorts. All of my brothers learned years worth of academics and social etiquette at these resorts. They made mistakes, and then we'd switch locations, and then they'd do better, and then they stopped making mistakes. My entire family feels at home in these resorts. 

Last week my little sister, Brandessa, drove in from California with her family and her children while my little brother, Rye, took a couple days off of work to visit and swim in the pool. Some of my sons (the ones still living with me) and I drove up and sort of played host, arriving before everyone and leaving last.

All of our children agreed that the resort feels like home.

There is no way we could have known for sure, years and years ago when my mom took my brothers out of school and we lived in timeshares and an RV that we were for sure doing something that would play a huge role in the learning and growing of generations of us. 

But we did know it could. 

So, mom did it. 

And although mom couldn't make it to the resort this trip, although mom had to work and miss out on the family shenanigans and joy and memories and mini golf and late night tennis games surrounded by Texas sized bug clouds, mom was there. In our gratitude, in our conversations, and in the skills we have as siblings and parents to make those fun things happen. 

Mom could (and does!) find joy in the knowledge that she helped create us!

This picture of my little sister, Brandessa, and my little brother, Rye, is possible because of mom's ability to always see possibility, and to then take the next step into action. 

And also, it's a picture of two people that I love very much!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook) 

Brandessa and Rye! Feeling at home in the Cabin.
A view of the lake from the activity center.

Autism Answer: Hiking in the Woods

Life keeps changing and we continue to find new paths.
 
Hiking in the woods alone has always been one of my favorite activities. 
At a resort in East Texas

Hiking in the woods with my sons when they were tiny, noisy, and adventurous, daring each other and themselves to do bigger and more dangerous things, was also an activity I enjoyed; though it was rarely relaxing!

Hiking in the woods with Shay now, my seventeen year old son with an imagination so wild it compliments the overgrown forest, while the overgrown forest returns the favor by enhancing his imagination, is one of my favorite activities indeed!

Hiking in the woods has shifted and grown different for me through the years. When one path is lost to me, another will be carved out or surprisingly discovered. 

Sometimes I have to find the new joy intentionally, temped a little bit to consider the fun gone once a path has been lost to me. Once creeping vines or noisy children have changed the effect and experience entirely. But with a shift in attitude and a trust in unknown and new kinds of fun to discover, I always find myself once again hiking in the woods.


Once again, discovering new joys, new life, and new survival techniques! Hiking in the woods with Shay

As it turns out, hiking in the woods is always a delight!! With a flexible nature and the desire to bring newness to old joys, hiking in the woods is a forever delight!

Right now, hiking in the woods with Shay is the path I'm on.
And it's awesome!!!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

Autism Answer: Moving in with my Husband (aka Learning to Live Together)

I'll admit, moving in with my husband is one of the least challenging challenges I've had to overcome in my life. But it was a challenge. One that was filled with fabulous, evergreen, life lessons!

My hubby and I have been happily married for fifteen years. We are as different as two people can be (he's black, I'm white, he's a hard working mechanic who's never left his small town Texas life, I'm a free spirited Canadian hippy type who never learned to stay in one place, he's twenty-three years older than me) yet our marriage is a comfortable and nourishing one. And it was always simple, too.

Mostly because we truly love and respect each other, but also because for thirteen years we lived in two separate homes.

Me in the woods where the kids (we have four sons--three are from my previous relationships) could run wild and make unlimited amounts of noise, and he in town where he could work on cars and watch the news. Our homes were not far from each other and we were together often, but there is a gift in not having to learn to live together as well.

Eventually, though, there was also the gift of learning to live together. My hubby and the boys: Working Togehter

The house I was staying in with my boys was sold and we packed up any belongings we felt compelled to keep and moved into the tiny trailer house with my husband. By then two of our four boys had moved out on their own so we weren't crowded, but we were challenged to learn life more consistently together.

At first, I was an uncomfortable mix of overly polite and quietly defensive. Not defensive for myself but for our sons and their strange habits. Which is, admittedly, defensive of myself and my parenting, but I digress.

Our two youngest boys have social issues and sensory sensitivities that make them quirky and unusual. This is a lovely thing! But for my husband, who had always known about the quirks but never had to live with them, it was hard. He was now faced with a feeling of needing to parent. Because he was there in the middle of the night when our sixteen year old son wanted to empty drawers and invent stories and tape stuff together, he felt an obligation to teach this away. And when our fourteen year old son would hide in his room singing and laughing and watching videos and burning incense and eating sporadically, only coming out to go to school or to get a drink of water, my husband would feel a need to tell him to come out of his room and stop watching videos. 

On Money: Living together has meant that our vastly different views and beliefs on how and why money should be spent is much more in our face. When I choose expensive organics, my hubby sees it in the fridge. When he watches television, I see it in my living room (and on our children).

This has become a gift, but we had to make it one! Learning to argue and show and explain why we believe in spending money the way we do has made us better at teaching, while it's invited us to dig deeper into our beliefs about money. It's encouraged us to remember the value of patience and compromise, along with the value of sticking to your core belief when you must. Often, I must!

My handsome hubby and I are going to live together and spend money together for a long time so it's worth the discussions and flexibility. It's another important lesson I use when I step out into the world with the desire to listen, love, and be heard.

At our home in the woods, we had the freedom to be ourselves and with that freedom we grew confident in many ways. We also grew dangerously anti-social in other ways. So I knew that I wanted to learn life in town; life with people and social expectations. Not so we could become what was expected of us, but rather so we could grow more connected and compassionate. Human beings are social creatures, and we are no exception. 

So I allowed myself to be defensive with my hubby, but I also pushed myself to keep my eyes open. To see what others were seeing and to learn what lessons I agreed with- to raise the bar, as my mom always says.

Because my husband and I respect and love each other so much, and because we both believe in and are amazed by our impressive children, it didn't take long to love this more together life. My hubby has found comfort in the sound of our son awake in the night building cities out of trash and I've found pleasure in teaching him to respect our sleeping hours with quiet. My husband understands now the toll being social at school places on our other son and I adore the creative ways I've found to get him out of his room.

Also, I've gotten fabulously gifted at recognizing the difference between an annoying habit and a true problem. It's rare that my husband and I have to work something out between us, an issue or contradiction that's truly problematic, because mostly--as different as we are from each other-- we're coming from the same place. So when we do need to deal with something in our marriage, we both feel a deep respect for each other's point of view. Sure, it's frustrating when he keeps arguing for his wrong point of view (tee hee!!) but it's also not something we're working on only after a mountain of itty bitty issues have piled up. Living with my husband has given me the gift of seeing clearly the things to simply let go of. And I've become a better sister, mom, and friend because of it.

Our marriage has grown stronger and our sons have grown stronger and our dreams and futures are starting to grow more concrete. Because now we're truly and completely doing it together.

Moving in with my husband has challenged me to learn and value true collaboration. Not just with my immediate family where collaboration and comfort have almost always come naturally, but from outside of us as well. From people and places that have gifts and experiences to offer that I may have missed if I hadn't begun to incorporate new folks into my world. If I hadn't gained the skill of knowing the difference between annoying and truly problematic, and the value of allowing both the exist while collaborating and working together. 

Moving in with my husband has brought me a huge step closer to truly moving in with the world. 

And that is one great big huge fantastical evergreen life lesson!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

A long ago picture of my hubby and me!*For more fun stories and life lessons be sure to check out my book Spinning in Circles and Learning from Myself: A Collection of Stories that Slowly Grow Up. Available in ebook and paperback on Amazon, Barns & Noble, Powells, and Archway Publishing.

Autism Answer: It's Not About Taking Sides

I headed excitedly to the back of our trailer home where my son sleeps. Shay was alone in his room, writing in his journal and listening to music. I knocked, opened the door without waiting for a response and exclaimed, "I'm babysitting The Little Lady today!"

He looked up and, being the hugest fan of babies, grinned and clapped and asked, "Are they here yet?"

I admitted that they weren't. But he got up and came out of the room and walked outside with me, hoping to make them appear with our excitement. While we tried to manifest the appearance of The Little Lady and Her Mom, Shay said something perfect. 

"You know what's good, mom? The Little Lady is my brother's ex-girlfriend's baby, and Her Mom hasn't been dating my brother in years, but we all stay friends." He reflected for a moment and added, "We love The Little Lady and Her Mom, actually. Because with our family it's not about taking sides."

I scratched his back and nodded in agreement. 

We waited for a few more minutes. Then I got a text that it would still be another hour before The Little Lady and Her Mom showed up, so we headed indoors, seeking air-conditioning and distractions. 

As we walked in my other son, Declyn, came out of his room and looked around. "Are they here yet?" he asked. 

"Not yet, soon." I answered. 

"Well, I was going to ask for a ride to my friend's house but I changed my mind. You must be so excited to see The Little Lady, I just want to let you have that fun for today. I'll go to my friend's house tomorrow." He gave me a pat on the shoulder and headed back to the black hole of anime, video games, and fantasy/sci-fi series books that is his room. 

Finally, The Little Lady and Her Mom showed up. I only babysat for a few minutes, long enough to laugh at the chickens next door and to share a Popsicle. Her Mom and I chatted a bit and shared mom thoughts. Then she headed home. 

It was lovely. And, Shay was right. My son's ex-girlfriend brought her baby over and gave me the gift of loving and playing with her. I had that gift because in our family (and in The Little Lady's family) it's not about taking sides. 

It's about loving people and helping out when we can. It's about knowing when we can't or shouldn't reach out and creating a story of inclusion to explain it rather than a story of sides or dualities.

It's not about taking sides. 

Unless you're talking about the side of love and humanity. 

I'll take that side, with a Popsicle please!
tee hee!

Hugs, smiles, and love!!
Autism Answers with Tsara Shelton (Facebook)

The Little Lady and Me!