Gary Green's Blog, page 3

What Are You Willing To Do?

What would you do for your country? If we were attacked, would you defend it? Would you enlist in one of the armed services and put your life on the line to protect our sovereignty? Maybe you are one of those people who did just that after 9/11. Maybe you are one of those people who did other things in support of the effort to defeat terrorism. Or maybe you are one of the many veterans of other previous conflicts. During World War II, even kids were collecting scrap to support the war effort. We should all be proud and grateful for their bravery and commitment.

Clearly, the majority of Americans are willing to protect
themselves whenever the need arises. So, what about when the attack is covert?
The Russian attack on our election in 2016 and ongoing (so says every American intelligence
agency and the Mueller report) is not an overt violent attack. It is a massive
misinformation campaign. The object is to promote chaos and polarize the American
public enough to weaken our presence on the world stage. How do you defend
against that.?

Well, I have a suggestion if you are interested. If you are
willing to lay down your life to defend your home, family and democratic
ideals; are you willing to lay down your partisan or other kinds of beliefs to
see what’s really going on? Amidst a sea of misinformation how do you ferret
out the truth?

I think a good place to start is to try to identify the
obvious liars. If, for example, someone is shown on TV saying one thing and
then shown saying the opposite thing, or someone is promoting “alternative facts”;
they might be lying to you. If you know someone is a liar, you should probably
question anything they say. That’s common sense.

I believe it is our patriotic duty to set aside our personal
bias and truly look at the facts surrounding the impeachment hearings taking
place in Congress. Do you believe the consistent story presented by multiple
witnesses or the ever-changing story presented by President Donald Trump (a
proven liar) and his supporters?

If you believe the witnesses, maybe you think using the
power of the office of the President to withhold military assistance to an ally
to make them investigate a political rival is OK. If that’s the case, I really
don’t know what to say to you. However, if you think that is wrong, or if you
think it is or should be illegal, if you think it is a dangerous precedent;
then it is your patriotic duty to let your senators and representatives know. Make
a loud noise. Support impeachment. This is not a partisan issue. It is a
patriotic issue.

Defend your democracy.

Civil War?

I witnessed something this last week that has me concerned.
I saw a U.S. Congressman on the floor of Congress warning that if “the
Democrats” didn’t cease the impeachment investigation they would be risking
civil war. Further, there were reports of people tweeting about how they had
enough bullets to “take care of” Trumps enemies.

You might think that such talk is coming from a radical
fringe—and that may be the case; but you should remember that every civil war I
can think of started out as “radical fringe rhetoric”. That would be why
governments throughout history have sought to suppress such talk with
imprisonment, torture and execution.

However, in this country we have guarantees of free speech
in the constitution. So, theoretically a person can say whatever they want.
Apparently, some people think threatening a civil war is going to help them get
their way. So, let’s talk about what “civil war” means.

It means that you take your assault rifle (that the
Constitution guarantees you the right to own) and start murdering people you
see as the enemy—neighbors, co-workers, even friends and family. It’s that
political argument over Thanksgiving diner on steroids. It starts as chaos,
then some organization develops, and the killing starts in earnest. It doesn’t
matter which side you take. Chaos and murder play no favorites.

Clearly, this is a time for some clear thinking. I must
admit that I spent a certain amount of time wondering what Trump supporters
could possibly be thinking. Did they not see the lies, the bigotry, the
misogyny? Do they not care about the evidence of crimes? I don’t know. But I do
know that if I let that bewilderment and frustration turn into hate, then Trump
has already won, and we are living in the last days of America as the land of
the free.

 So, what do we do? I
say that we start by reminding ourselves that these unconditional Trump
supporters are still our friends, neighbors and family. We keep our passion in
check. We consistently relate the truth—and we patiently wait for the impeachment
process to play itself out. Trump will be gone someday—one way or another.
Let’s not make things worse by letting our passions take us to places we don’t
want to go.

We All Want the Same Things

People were so nice about yesterday’s post I am inspired to
write another

My topic today is “Everybody Wants the Same Thing”. I mean
at a very basic level. We all want to be physically secure and safe. We all
want to have meaningful work that earns us enough to live in some degree of
comfort and have a little fun once in a while. If we have kids, we want to see
them grow up in good health and have those same things we want for ourselves. Also,
because we are social animals, we want friends and family. That all seems
pretty simple. How hard can it be?

Apparently, the answer is “very hard”. It seems we can all
agree on what we want, but not on how or even if we can all have these things.
Nor can we agree on how to get those things. Take American politics as
an example.

The average Republican, for example, believes that
government should only provide defense (including law enforcement). They see
any other government action as unwanted interference. This keeps taxes low,
they figure, and is good for everybody.

Democrats, on the other hand, will tell you that rich people
have unfair advantage in a competitive economy and that government intervention
is needed to protect vulnerable individuals and address environmental concerns.

What we see today is this simple, basic disagreement about how
to get what we want blown way out of proportion. Our leaders hunker down in
their separate camps and refuse to consider any proposals from the “other side”.
Both forgetting that at a basic level we all agree on what we want.

So, who is right? It is my opinion that there is an element
of truth on both sides—and way more faulty thinking on every side. It leaves me
wondering what would happen if we all just set party labels aside and address
the pressing issues of the day by looking at what is actually happening and
using our skillful means of negotiation to arrive at a practical solution.

For example: A poll I recently saw indicated that over 70%
of the voting public believes military style assault rifles should be illegal.
How is it that in a functioning democracy something that is supported by a
large majority can not be enacted into law? People accepting their party line
as reality and not accepting the real truth that is staring them in the face—that
the majority of Americans want common-sense gun control.

Furthermore, opponents of gun control further distort the picture
by claiming the “other side” is “coming for your guns”. This in spite of the
fact that every gun control advocate I have ever seen is quite vocal about
saying they don’t want your hunting rifles and shotguns. This leaves both sides
pointing across the aisle and claiming, “They are lying to you.”

What a mess. My suggestion is let’s all try to figure out
what reality is and advocate sensible solutions to pressing issues that
interfere with getting what we want. Just remember—we all want the same thing.

Are you slipping?

OK. I admit it. The constant barrage of bad news got to me.
I started to think, “Why bother?” As a person with a natural inclination to
depression I started to slip. But then . . .

Wait—I’m getting ahead of myself. What is all this bad news
to which I refer? Well, it starts with our leaders. Clearly, they have failed
us. At this point I don’t care what party they belong to. They have failed us.
Also, we have failed ourselves. After all, we elected them.

How have they failed us? Take your pick: Climate change, foreign
interference with our elections, a president that openly commits felonies and
continues to be president, an epidemic of gun violence, a president who openly
supports violent racist groups, a trade war with China that has already ruined
the farm economy, the rich get richer and the poor go to prison, the richest
country the world has ever known has many children that go to bed hungry and
many that don’t have access to even the most basic health care, rampant fear of
anyone who is not the same as us, and—fueling everything—way more money in
politics than is conducive to free and fair elections.

Anyway, many years ago when I was initially recovering from
my depression, I vowed to never let it happen again. So, when I noticed I was
starting to slip I determined to do everything in my power to prevent it.

The first thing was to try to see things the way they really
are. Are things really that bad? I realized that question of itself was
judgmental thinking that colors my perception of reality. So, I tried some “radical
acceptance”. I made a conscious decision to release my judgmental thoughts as
soon as I noticed them. I started to feel better.

Then I realized that most of these issues were such that individual
like myself will have little impact unless I can join with others to address
the problems. I realized that as humans we are more alike than we are
different. But guess what—people joining together to address an issue—that’s
politics. Though there is much about politics I really don’t like, we are all
involved in it weather we like it or not.

So, as we enter this next political season make sure you
know what the reality of an issue is before you let it influence your vote.
Because, guess what: politicians lie. When one says something, look for hidden
motives. Many politicians will tell you what you want to hear just so they can get
the power to change some other issue. Also, remember that it has been proven
that Russian Intelligence interfered with our last election in large part by
misinformation. We used to call that propaganda. If you see or hear something
about a candidate that shocks or disgusts you, do a reality check. That information
could have originated in Moscow or St. Petersburg and not in reality.

That’s probably enough for now. It’s good to get that off my
chest. I feel better all ready.

Some Political Advice

Recently presidential candidate Joe Biden got himself in a
bit of trouble for some remarks he made while trying to explain the idea that
you don’t have to like somebody to be able to work with them. For what it’s
worth I would like to offer joe some advice.

You have inadvertently created a magnificent opportunity.
What you need to do now is get in front of the press and say something like
this:

“I understand that many people found my recent comments
offensive. I apologize for that. I certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone. As
you know I have long been an advocate for civil rights for all and fought
against racism whenever I encountered it. However, as a white man I can’t know
what the experience of being a person of color in this country is like. But I
am willing to listen. I am willing to hear your truth and support your right to
live by it. It is my sincere hope that we can put this incident behind us and
work together to fulfil the promises made by our founding fathers when they
wrote the Constitution.”

How hard and refreshing would that be?

Use the Right Word, Please

It has been a while since I last
posted. It all started with last winter and the extra snow. It seems like toward
the end of it I was spending all my time either moving snow, preparing to move
snow or recovering from moving snow. Then spring came with it’s planting work.
Then a technical glitch with my laptop. You get the idea. But, enough whining.
Without further ado, my next post:

Many of my previous posts involve me
commenting on recent news items, and I swear I will get back to that. However,
I need to get a couple of things off my chest. It bugs me when people misuse
this beautiful language of ours, either by design or ignorance. So, I wanted to
clear up a couple of things.

First, is misuse of the word “mantra”.
A mantra is a word or phrase that is repeated as part of a meditative practice.
It is NOT a word or phrase chosen
as encapsulating the beliefs or ideals guiding an individual, family, or
institution. THAT is a “motto”. I have lost count of how many times I
have heard people saying mantra when they should have been saying motto. Perhaps
as a former mindfulness teacher I am overly sensitive to this issue. But, please
people, let’s start using the right word. It’s just less confusing for
everyone.

My second complaint is misuse of the
word “litigation”. When congress made an official request to the IRS for Donald
Trump’s income tax returns and the IRS refused (in violation of the law, by the
way), countless Republicans said, “This issue has already been litigated by the
American people. He didn’t release his returns before the election and won
anyway. Clearly, they just don’t care.”

“Litigation” is a process involving a
court of law that uses evidence to establish the truth of a matter. You can’t
litigate with an election. As we all know, people don’t always use logic when
deciding who to vote for. To be fair, I will say that the first person to use “litigation”
in this way probably intended it as a metaphor. But I would guess most of the
people who repeated it didn’t see it that way.

When Congress makes an official
request to the IRS for a person’s income tax return, they are required by law
to comply. This can and should be litigated in a court of law, but it can’t be
litigated by an election.

Acceptance vs. Change

There is a big misconception out there about acceptance.
Many people think that acceptance of something means to leave that thing as it
is. The reality is that it is impossible to change anything until you accept
it.

The reason for that is simple and lies in the definition: Acceptance
is perception without having judgmental thoughts about the thing you perceived.
Judgmental thoughts cloud your perception. For example: At one time I thought
alcoholics are bad people—clearly a judgmental thought. So, by extension, if I
am an alcoholic, I must be a bad person. In addition, since I did not like
feeling like a bad person, I spent a lot of time telling myself that I was not an alcoholic. Denial takes a lot of
energy, by the way. I spent a lot of time in a never-ending cycle of bad
behavior followed by feeling bad about it followed by denial leading to more
bad behavior. I found it was impossible to change the “bad” behavior until I
set my judgmental thoughts aside.

However, as soon as I shared my behavior and thoughts about
my drinking with another person and was heard with unconditional acceptance, I
realized I wasn’t a bad person. Being an alcoholic doesn’t make you a bad person.
Dropping the judgmental thoughts allowed me to look at my issues the way they really are. You can’t
change anything unless you see it the way it really is. I could see that my
drinking behavior was causing problems in my life. I could see that at times I
couldn’t control my drinking, which led to bad behavior.  I could see that using a chemical to numb
unpleasant feelings invariably led to more bad behavior. And I could see what I needed to change to make things better—starting
with stopping drinking. Then I had to learn how to handle my feelings better,
so they didn’t build up into an irresistible force to drink again.

Of course, acceptance isn’t just about personal issues. It
works for everything. For example: climate change, gun violence, any kind of
ethnic or gender discrimination, financial issues, etc. The list is literally
endless.

When you accept something, you see it clearly. You don’t have to like it, but if you see it clearly you can change it—usually. However, there are some things that cannot be changed. The easy example is death. Everybody dies. Personally, I am hoping to postpone my death as long as possible, but I don’t obsess about it. I accept it. I have reached that point in life when I have lost both my parents, two brothers and several friends. Everyone of them left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. Fortunately, the human heart’s capacity for love is infinite. By accepting these losses, I am free to work at getting my needs met elsewhere.

I will close with a suggestion: As you go through your day, look for things you have judgmental thoughts about. Then try to set those thoughts aside. Try to see the issue the way it really is—then see what you need to do to change it. You might be surprised.

More About Therapeutic Relationships

I want to expand a bit on that statement in my previous post
“we would continue to grow throughout our lifespan and as we do, our actions
would be less and less colored by beliefs that are not reality based.”

Let’s pick that statement apart. There is a whole branch of
psychology called developmental
psychology that deals with the fact that human beings grow mentally as they
grow physically. There are numerous systems of classification of the stages of
development. Broadly speaking, they describe how when a person is born, they
are very self-centered and as their physical and mental capacities increase,
they learn to be a more self-reliant and social. However,
sometimes—often—something interferes with this natural growth process and
people get “stuck” at one stage or another.

Many things can cause this interference, but perhaps the
most common is trauma of one sort or another. Most people experience trauma of
one sort or another at some point. And, interestingly, things that are
traumatic to one person may not necessarily be traumatic to someone else.

The point is when people get stuck, they experience all
kinds of unpleasant things like anxiety, depression, addiction and even
psychosis if they are genetically predisposed to it. These kinds of things tend
to interfere with your ability to get what you want or need from life—leading to
more unhappiness. One characteristic that these people (by which I mean
everyone) invariably share is the belief in a number of things that are not
true—like “I don’t deserve to be happy.” Such thoughts are learned from others
acting on their own erroneous beliefs and in turn influence your behavior.

One thing these erroneous thoughts all share is they are all
judgmental in some way. This gives us a clue about how to combat these
destructive thoughts. Acceptance, by definition, is the polar opposite of
judgmental thinking. They are incompatible and cannot exist in the same space. In
fact, we know that working on acceptance is a valuable tool in recovery from
the conditions mentioned in the previous paragraph. In essence, we are
replacing erroneous judgmental thoughts with a more realistic view of the world
and acceptance of it.

So, how do we accomplish this miracle of acceptance and growth? As far as I know the best and probably only way is to find someone with whom they have achieved a level of emotional intimacy and discuss those unpleasant aspects of yourself—and be heard with unconditional acceptance.  Unconditional acceptance says, “I see your reality and it’s OK.” It is what it is. In that moment someone else’s acceptance allows you to see your own reality a bit clearer and be OK with it. Enough of that sort of thing allows you to grow past the beliefs and behaviors that have been causing you trouble and move forward with your life on a firmer foundation.  That is the value of therapeutic relationships.

Therapeutic Relationships

In my last post I brought up the topic of therapeutic relationships. I’d like to
expand on that a bit. Have you ever had an issue rattling around in your head
that you felt you couldn’t talk to anyone about? I’m going to assume the answer
is ‘yes’ because I think that experience is pretty universal. Then, when you finally
talk to someone you realize that your thinking had gone in a decidedly crazy
direction? I think most of us have experienced this at one time or another. This
phenomenon is just one example of what it means to be a social being. This one benefit of having therapeutic relationships.

Carl Rodgers said that a therapist must demonstrate the
qualities of empathy, genuineness and respect to be effective. Empathy is the
ability to identify with and understand the issues of the other. Genuineness is
the quality of being open and honest with the other. Respect involves
unconditional acceptance (without judgement) of the other. It also means seeing
the other as our equal—empathy, not sympathy. Another important factor in a
therapist-client relationship is that it remains client centered. That means
many things, but perhaps the most important is that the therapist does not
impose his or her values and beliefs on the client.

So, how does this work? Well, on their first meeting the
therapist asks questions find out where the client’s pain is. Then responds in
such a way as to indicate understanding of the client’s point of view and unconditional
acceptance of it—even if it sounds really wacky. As the therapist continues to
demonstrate the three qualities ideally the client feels more comfortable disclosing
sensitive issues and may even start to see that some of their conclusions and
beliefs were not reality based and decide to change them. As beliefs change, so
does behavior. As behavior changes the client starts getting natural positive
feedback and an unending cycle of self-examination and personal growth begins.
At this point the client has outgrown the therapist.

When all this comes together, it is a beautiful thing to
behold. However, what if we applied these same principles to our personal
relationships? Could we develop relationships that are mutually therapeutic?
Absolutely! I believe that if we can learn to apply the characteristics of
therapeutic relationships to our personal relationships, we would see deeper
friendships, stronger relationships and healthier people—both mentally and
physically. We would support our friendships in time of need, and they would
support us. Perhaps most importantly, we would continue to grow throughout our
lifespan and as we do, our actions would be less and less colored by beliefs
that are not reality based. What a world it would be.

Joy In The New Year

Well, the holidays are over, and I hope you had good ones. I’d
like to continue in the vein of my previous post and talk about finding more
joy. After all, I did write a book on the subject. (In Pursuit of Joy https://www.amazon.com/Pursuit-Joy-Gary-Green-ebook/dp/B0045Y263G
)

The first thing I want to tell you is that if you are
currently miserable much of the time, it won’t be quick or easy. However, it is
possible and well worth the effort. Going from misery to joy is a growth
process. I call it recovery. You may think you don’t have a condition from which you need to
recover. Maybe you don’t. Good for you—really. But the process is the same.
Along the way you will find that some of the things you believed all your life
are not true and some things you were skeptical of are. Try to keep an open
mind.

So, where do you start? I recommend starting with the
knowledge that humans are social beings and as such, we have social needs. One of
those needs is emotional intimacy.
That means you need at least one person in your life that you can talk about
absolutely anything with and expect to be heard with unconditional acceptance. That means they will listen with out
passing judgement on you.

So, what if you don’t have any such person in your life?
Fortunately, there are people who are paid to listen to people with unconditional
acceptance and help them sort things out. We call those people therapists. I
realize you may have had experiences with therapists in the past that led you
to believe therapy is a bunch of crap. Well, not all therapists are created
equal. You are an individual and just like not all shoes will fit your feet;
not all therapists will be a good fit for you. Try again. While I realize a
therapist is not a permanent replacement for having emotionally intimate friendships;
it is a good place to start if you don’t have any.

A good therapeutic relationship will help you figure out the
causes of your misery and develop a plan to make things better.

Maybe this is a good place to stop for today. In the next
installment I will talk more about therapeutic relationships.







i