Peter David's Blog, page 76

The BID Pronunciation Guide

Originally published May 15, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1278

Assorted stuff…

* * *

When I was eight years old I encountered a DC hero whose name featured a prefix I had never seen before. I pronounced it “A-KEW-uh Man.” In short order, though, I decided that A-KEW-uh Man made no sense. So I brought the comic to my dad and asked him how to pronounce it. He said, “AH-kwa-man.” I said, “What’s ‘Aqua’?” He said, “You have a dictionary. Look it up.” I did so, and discovered that it referred to water.

In the interest of clarity, DC may want to consider changing the character’s name to “Water Man” to accommodate those kids who have no parents and/or no dictionary. Until then, he’ll probably never be as popular as Marvel’s guy, the Sub-Muh-REE-ner.

* * *

There’s an aspect of human nature that I find most impressive: Bad news is never bad enough. It has to be made worse.

There I was at Wonder Con in Oakland, and fans were coming up to me and saying, “I heard that you were leaving Aquaman and Incredible Hulk and getting completely out of the industry.”

Amazing. It’s not enough that I’m off two books. It has to be even bigger, that I’m bailing on comics altogether. Which should come as a big shock to my editors on Supergirl and Young Justice, not to mention Richard Howell with whom I work on Soulsearchers and Company (in which, by the way, we’ve just embarked on a multi-issue time travel story that sends the cast back to Roman times and brings them face to face with Red Xina, Warrior Kickass, and her sidekick, Dominique-nique-nique. Dave Cockrum pencils, for you old-time X-Men fans. Swing by your local comic store and ask for it so you can be told it doesn’t exist or was cancelled or can’t be ordered.)

And then, of course, all the fans ask me why I left, some of them looking genuinely upset. I never thought I’d reach a point in my career wherein I would actually be nostalgic for the simple old days when the question I kept getting was, “Why do you hate Image?” The answer to that was nice, simple and tidy: “I don’t.” This is infinitely more complicated and upsetting.

Have to remember to bring photocopies of my CBG article about leaving Hulk next time. That way I can just hand them out.

* * *

This just in: Bill Sienkiewicz will be changing the pronunciation of his name from sin-KEV-itch to “Smith.” George PER-ez will be changing his name to George Pez. And Rob Liefeld, whom fans constantly pronounced Leefield even though there’s no second I, will simply refer to himself as ROB! More changes as they occur.

* * *

There’s a tendency to refer to the Harvey Awards as the Fantagraphics Awards since Fantagraphics founded them and (surprise surprise) tends to win lots of them. There’s even intimations (never proven) that the awards are rigged. I don’t especially think they are… but then again, it was something of a hoot after the awards ceremony when Kurt Busiek showed me his plaque for “Best Continuing Series” and said, “Read this… the last line, in particular.” I scanned down and saw the following: “Best Continuing Series: Kurt Busiek’s Astro City. Publisher: Fantagraphics.”

I don’t know about you, but I found it very amusing.

Because someone cancelled at the last minute, the desperate Wonder Con people asked me to make a presentation in one of the categories. I said, “Fine, as long as it’s not Best Writer.’” Naturally, it was for “Best Writer.” Since I was a writer who wasn’t even nominated, my instinct was to refuse since it would make me feel like a schmuck. But then I figured, Eh, go with the feeling.

Kurt and I both told jokes. It was hard to determine which was worse since both got moans. I can’t really write mine down because it doesn’t work at all if spoken… not that it worked all that great when verbalized. But Kurt’s was, “Have you noticed that the elevators in this hotel were made by a company called Schindler. That’s right: They’re Schindler’s Lifts.”

* * *

This issue is supposed to be themed around Elfquest.

I didn’t pick up on Elfquest immediately. I actually came by it in a rather unusual manner. At the time, I was working in the sales department of Playboy Paperbacks… which, before I go any further, was not–as you probably would imagine–a porn publisher. The majority of the Playboy Paperbacks list was filled with a dazzling and impressive array of titles and authors, including Morgan Llewellyn (Lion of Ireland) and Anne Tyler (The Accidental Tourist).

I had gotten friendly with the science fiction editor, Sharon Jarvis, and at one point I saw copies of Elfquest lying around her office. I asked her what that was all about, and she told me that they were planning to publish a novelization of the first half dozen or so issues. She asked me if I wanted to read the comics.

Now… it was elves. Elves didn’t interest me. Elves were cutesy, almost too cutesy to live. I flipped through a book at random, seeing characters with big eyes and big ears. Even their wolves looked cute. And I knew the artist, but only because I’d seen her jumping around in a chain mail bikini, which certainly wasn’t an incentive to take her all that seriously as a creative force. But I figured, what the hell, it was a free read, I figured I’d give it a look. So I said, “Sure.”

By the end of the first issue I was completely hooked into it. Cutter, Leetah, Skywise… heck, I even sympathized with Rayek who had this upstart come in out of nowhere, short and scruffy, and whup his butt in a contest for Leetah’s affections. I thought it all very romantic and exciting and novel.

I still do.

I always liked the name “Leetah.” Once she hooked up with Cutter, I started picturing a whole musical number called “Leetah of the Pack.” You know…

I crossed a desert, though I would die (Die! Die!)

And then I saw the light in her eye (He did, he saw the love light in her eye)

Some folks may call it predilection

But I say it’s recognition

And someday I’ll make her

Leetah of the Pack!

(Owooo! Owooo!)

Of course, we should also point out that “Winnowill,” my personal favorite character, sounds just like “Wheemaway,” thereby suggesting…

“In the mountain, the quiet mountain, the Elfin woman schemes

In the mountain, the mighty mountain, the Elfin woman schemes

A-Winnowill, A-Winnowill, etc.”

Elfquest: The Musical Now there’s a frightening thought.

I remember the first time that I went to a convention where Wendy and Richard Pini were attending to promote the series. I asked Richard at the time where the publishing name, “Warp,” had come from. He said, matter-of-factly, “Wendy And Richard Pini.” Since this was before the Simpsons, it didn’t occur to me to say, “D-oh!”

I was there with Shana, who at the time was a babe in arms, about four, five months old. Wendy asked if she could hold her and I passed Shana over to her. She cradled Shana, and Shana promptly made a little fist and started whacking at Wendy’s bosom. Wendy looked up in confusion and asked what the problem was.

“She’s hungry. She wants you to nurse her,” I said.

Wendy laughed at that, and she looked down at Shana and said, “Sorry, kid. The milk bar is closed.” And Shana looked up at her with an air of annoyed impatience, as if to say, “Well, if those aren’t for feeding me with, then what good are they… or you, for that matter?”

A part of me still misses the old days, when it was just one book, and just one linear story being told. On the other hand, the expansion has certainly been what helped to keep WARP around when so many others have folded. To say nothing of the fact that Elfquest should be the premiere fantasy title that comes to mind when fans go around grumbling that there is a dearth of titles that women would find entertaining.

* * *

This just in: Obsidian, tired of having his name pronounced ohb-sih-DY-un rather than ob-SID-ee-uhn, will be changing his name to Black Guy. David Michelinie, who for years has been telling people his last name rhymes with “Pickle My Knee,” will actually change his name to David Pickle-My-Knee in order to save time. Kurt Busiek (BYOO-sik, not Byoo-SEE-ek) who used to be called Kurt “Marvels” Busiek will simply be calling himself “Kurt Marvels.” And long-time Superman foe Mr. Mxyzptlk will change his name to “Brent Frankenhoff.” With the name now open, Fabian Nicieza will be changing his name to Fabian Mxyzptlk, claiming, “It can’t be worse than Nicieza.”

Unfortunately, I’m just one person and can’t cover the comics field adequately. If you hear of any other name changes being made for the simplification of comic fans everywhere, send them to Second Age, Inc., ATT: What’s In a Name, PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.

 

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We’re dealing with a heavy spam storm, and are battening down the hatches. Bear with us. –GH

Holiday Gift Suggestions 1997

Originally published December 12, 1997, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1256

‘Tis that time of year again. The time when Maggie Thompson asks the musical question: What five gifts would you suggest for holiday giving?

I’m going to try and do things differently this year. Why? Because I have trouble with trying to separate gifts by age. That really doesn’t seem to work in our little genre. I mean, let’s not kid around, okay? Most comic books (at least of the superhero variety) are aimed at the eight-to-fourteen-year-old male market, but they’re read by somewhat younger and far, far older readers. Manufacturers of action figures loudly proclaim that there’s no market for female action figures because they’re aiming their product at an audience who thinks girls are yucky. In the meantime, a battalion of comics fans (including myself) lobbied for figures of Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy (finally met). Meantime, kids can barrel through computer games that leave adults scratching their heads. So I’m just gonna write about whatever comes to mind, and leave it to the individual tastes of you folks to decide what’s appropriate for your respective tastes. Some of it is high-end, some considerably less. It is, to say the least, an eclectic selection.

1) Plush Bugs Bunny from Steiff — Much of the time, I don’t particularly like Steiff plush toys. They seem “cold,” somehow. Impersonal. Excellently manufactured, but not particularly loveable. Not so with the 2500-piece limited edition designed by Steiff and available only through the Warner Bros. Studio Store gallery. Paul Dini brought him to my attention and I immediately ordered one (takes a few weeks, so get him now if you want one.) Bugs’ head is jauntily perched, he has a carrot snug in his right hand, and nicely tapering ears. Comes with a special little storage bag, although it would be criminal to keep him in there.

2) White Wolf Harlan Ellison Books — No, it’s not just that Ellison’s a friend. I recommended The Essential Ellison years ago before I even knew him. Lately, White Wolf publishing has been re-releasing Ellison’s titles in smart-looking editions (my personal favorite is the slip-cased edition of Slippage).

3) A custom-made “Muppet” — Okay, not a Muppet (TM) per se, but rather a hand-and-rod puppet of the type that was popularized by Jim Henson. There is a superb craftswoman down in Atlanta named Katherine O’Shea whose work I’ve admired for a bunch of years. Among other things, she handcrafts some of the most charming puppets I’ve ever seen. Her work has been on display at an assortment of conventions. I’ve commissioned her work in the past (she made a delightful “Jack Deth” doll from the Trancers movie series, complete with trenchcoat and gun, which I gave to actor Tim Thomerson), she’s made assorted characters (including Pinhead, and every incarnation of Doctor Who) and she’s even done puppet versions of assorted comics pros. The one she did of me is pictured below, although I had a moustache when she originally made it. (No, I didn’t commission a puppet of myself; even I’m not that egocentric. She also did one of Neil Gaiman, I understand.) Puppets come with stands and, when possible, custom-made boxes. And hey, if not in time for Christmas, there’s always birthdays.

4) A video starter pack — I was at a convention where someone complained that there had been no good comic book movies in the past couple of years. They couldn’t be more wrong. You might want to consider a set of fun comic book videos such as The Phantom, The Mask, The Crow, and even the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (I’ll never forget the woman who wandered into a comic store after buying her kid all sorts of Turtles merchandise and saying in surprise, “There’s a comic book too?”)

5) The Sandman Bookends — Sculpted by William Paquet and based on designs by Michael Zulli, we have the original incarnation of the Sandman seated on a somber black throne, with a gothic feel in the carving. The other end has the more recent incarnation of Sandman dressed in pure white, with a striking Egyptian motif. Painstaking detail was given to this pair of cold-cast bookends, and it’s absolutely nifty looking if you have a shelf large enough to accommodate it. Also, for the Neil Gaiman fans out there: Neverwhere, the novel version of Gaiman’s superb television series.

6) The Incredible Hulk Bump-and-Go Motorcyle — I don’t know why. It’s just so… so stupid. How can you pass up something that dumb? The Hulk astride a motorcycle, barreling around your living room floor, bumping into stuff and heading in another direction. Not the Punisher or someone that makes sense, no. They gotta use a character capable of leaping two miles at a clip, the absolutely last person you’d see on a chopper. The only thing sillier than the green goliath riding a motorcycle is that there really was a sequence years ago—in an early issue of the Wolverine comic—wherein the Hulk really did hop astride a hog and zip off down a highway. Why? I don’t know. It seemed absurd to me then, and it still seems that way.

7) Batman vs. Poison Ivy, Batman vs. Catwoman — Kenner, who previously has put out a cool series of 12-inch-tall dolls that chart, in three stages, the evolution of Batman and Superman, has a couple of new ones which feature the caped crusader facing off against Poison Ivy (as rendered in the movie) and Catwoman (as depicted in the comic books—go figure). As always, you’re faced with the problem of whether to leave them in the box for fully mint collectible status, or whether you take them out of the box and play with them. Depends, I suppose, on the age and gender of the person you give them to. Now that I think about it, you know what would be an interesting study to make. Take about a dozen kids, equal mix of boys and girls, and give them each a set of the dolls. Say that I’m stereotyping if you wish, but how much do you want to bet that the boys would have Batman and Catwoman beating up on each other, and the girls would have them going out on a date?

8) Nathan Heller books by Max Allan Collins — Collins is known to comic book fans for his work on such characters as Ms. Tree and Batman. But if you haven’t checked out the Heller novels yet, it’s high time you did. There’s a secret history of the world, all right, but such organizations as the Illuminati aren’t involved. Life’s real mysteries are solved by Heller, a private detective who rubs arms with a deft mix of genuine historical figures and always manages to find out what really happened (and, frustratingly, the true story is never made public at the time). One of the more recent is Blood & Thunder, focusing on the notorious former governor of Louisiana, Huey Long. My personal favorite remains Stolen Away, revealing the true fate of the Lindbergh baby. Another Heller book is due out very soon. The title is Flying Blind, and for those of you who always wondered, you’ll now finally learn what really happened to Amelia Earhart.

9) Santa’s Twin by Dean Koontz — Just as a wild notion, I thought I’d actually mention something Christmas related. Koontz certainly has a reputation as a horror writer, and it’s reflected in this offbeat foray into kid’s books as Koontz tells us of the usurping of the holiday by Santa’s evil twin.

10) Superman on Radio — Available on either CD or cassette, you can thrill to six hours (the first twenty-seven episodes) of the Superman radio series, digitally restored and remastered. Superman debuted on radio in February of 1940, voiced by Bud Collyer (who would continue as Superman’s voice in the classic Max Fleischer cartoons). Collyer developed such wonderful techniques as dropping an octave, from tenor to baritone in mid-sentence to indicate to the radio audience that the change was occurring, as he would announce, “This is a job… for… Superman.” Not only was the radio series the first dramatization of Superman’s adventures, but it featured crossovers (Superman rescues Batman and Robin) and added major aspects to continuity such as the debut of Kryptonite.

Part of the Smithsonian Historical Performances series, Superman on Radio is colorfully packaged and also includes a sixty page booklet with commentary, photos and other neat items. Not especially hard to find, either; I picked mine up in the local Borders Books.

11) Dark Horse comics collections — For the Aliens fans out there, there’s an assortment of collections from the various Dark Horse limited series of the same name. It’s particularly timely considering the release of Alien Resurrection. For the Ellison fans who may want to make the transition from the White Wolf books to comics (or vice versa), there’s the collections of Harlan Ellison’s Dream Corridor. And for the utterly demented, there’s my vote for the nuttiest title of a crossover ever: Tarzan vs. Predator at the Earth’s Core, by no less talents than Lee Weeks and Walt Simonson. You know what I’d love to see? Tarzan vs. The Phantom. Imagine Tarzan coming across the Skull Cave, or catching the eye of Diana Palmer. Imagine Tarzan and the Phantom against the legions of Opar. Man, I’d pay serious money for that puppy.

12) Betty Boop: The Definitive Collection — A boxed set of eight tapes featuring, well, the definitive collection of Betty Boop, who was a cartoon sex symbol way before Madonna became one.

13) Electronic Imperial AT-AT Walker — It’s big! It’s electronic, with seven real noises or phrases from the movies! It comes with exclusive commander and driver figures! It falls over if you wrap a shoelace around the legs! You can’t pass this up! (Well… yeah, you can, but you’d be missing out!)

14) Mystery Science Theater 3000 — A boxed set of tapes featuring an episode with series originator Joel Hodgson and two with replacement Mike Nelson, as Joel, Mike, and the robots tear apart such clunkers as Red Zone Cuba, The Atomic Brain, and my personal favorite, I Accuse My Parents.

15) Dying to Be Heard — I’ve mentioned it previously, but I’ll mention it again. Bill Mumy (complete with a photo of Bill with the Minbari bone on his head) has a nifty CD out, featuring an assortment of good songs including the nicely ironic “The Ballad of William Robinson.”

16) Riverdance Live from New York — A much better tape than the previous concert in Dublin. Has nothing at all to do with comics, but hey, I liked it. Sue me.

What one gift would I most like to receive? Peace of mind. Still looking. Still haven’t found it. Will let you know if I do.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Holiday Gift Suggestions 1996

Originally published November 1, 1996, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1198

In the past I’ve always contributed to the “What five things are good to give for the holidays” listing that CBG annually does for the holidays. More often than not, I make it a BID column (as I’m doing now).

I’ve recommended a number of things with great zeal, because in addition to being a writer of stuff, I also love stuff.

Especially neat stuff. If I see something that’s neat, and it’s at a price that I can live with, I’ll get it. Indeed, I’m difficult to buy gifts for, because if something neat has been on the market for any length of time, chances are that, if it’s of interest to me, I’ll get it. Neat gizmos or plush versions of animated characters or cool laserdiscs or interesting books.

And as we would get towards the end of the year, I’d recommend to you guys, basically, the things that I had acquired during the year that I thought were the neatest of the neat. Hell, let’s face it, if there were a Space Cases action figures line, I’d probably be recommending that wholeheartedly. (In answer to numerous questions, by the way… at the moment, no, there’s no Space Cases merchandise. Nickelodeon thinks there’s no market for it. Yeah, right.)

But of late, various things have happened in my life and I’m reassessing my priorities. I’m trying to figure out what true joy I get from acquiring things. I look at everything that I’ve garnered throughout the years.

And it’s just—stuff.

It doesn’t mean anything. Not really. Not in any deep sense of the word.

It’s just stuff. Like the George Carlin routine. Stuff.

And what am I supposed to do now? Recommend more stuff that other people can buy, because this is the time of the year when stuff is of major concern? It seems pointless, a hollow exercise.

What five things should you give for the holidays?

1) Give money to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, www.cbldf.org. They fight for freedom of expression, freedom for anyone to pursue those comic books that they themselves find entertaining, without having to answer to anyone or worry about legal persecution. And if that charity doesn’t do it for you, then pick one that does and give to it. More than that, support it if at all possible. Work as a volunteer. Stuff envelopes. Attend rallies.

2) Give time. Life slips past with hideous velocity. You can blink and miss it. And there’s so many things, so many people, clamoring for your attention that you can just screen it all out because you’re busy with other things. You don’t know where to look first, so you don’t look anywhere. Give time to your children that you wouldn’t ordinarily. Give time to your spouses, before you have no more time together. Be more patient than you might be inclined to be. Listen. For God’s sake, listen, because if you don’t listen, people will have to shout at you and keep shouting in order to get your attention, until it’s too late. And you can find yourself with nothing, wondering, “What happened? I thought I was paying attention? When did all this occur? What did I do wrong?”

3) Give of yourself in big and small ways. Support local organizations, make yourself a part of your kid’s education, go along on a school trip. If people come up to you in the street asking for spare change, give it to them. Contribute to food drives. Adopt a pet. If you’re walking past someone’s house and their newspaper is sitting on the sidewalk, pick it up and toss it onto their porch so they don’t have to walk out as far to get it. Read to your kids.

4) Give your full support and loyalty those who are your friends. Let them know they can count on you, no matter what. Do whatever is necessary to help them whenever they need you.

5) Give a damn.

What do I want for myself?

Some peace. I just want some peace.

I feel as if everything is spiraling out of control lately. That, no matter how much I try to hold on to things, they dance just out of my reach, like shadows flickering in flame.

And to be honest, I came close to dropping this column. I’ve already lasted far longer than I ever thought I would.

And I’m tired.

I’m tired of angry letters from gun nuts. I’m tired of people thinking it clever to put me on mailing lists for the GOP or the Rush Limbaugh newsletter or ultra-conservative religious organizations. I’m tired of being attacked not only for what I am, but for what I’m not (I got e-mail from a fan in Spain who claimed that the main thing I’m known for over there is that I “hate Image”).

I’m tired of metaphorically opening up veins and spilling it out onto my keyboard. When I write my fiction I can hide behind my characters. Here, there’s no hiding. It’s just you and me.

But I think about the good the column has done, the people I’ve made contact with, the positive aspects. And I’m sticking with it for a while, even though part of me wants to pull back, to say, “Enough. Enough.”

I just want—some peace.

Oh—and a videotape of the Israeli musical Kazablan.

(Well, I didn’t want to get too maudlin.)

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., P.O. Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Yes, I Once Again will be Hauling the Spider-Man Balloon

In the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, I will be one of the devoted hauls of the Spidey balloon. I’ve no idea if I’ll be visible (probably not) but my understanding is that it’s scheduled to be on TV sometime between 10:45 and 11 AM tomorrow morning.

For every more sane person out there (which is most of you) have a great Thanksgiving.

PAD

Spider Park

Originally published May 8, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1277

In the category of a picture being worth a thousand words, But I Digress presents:

 

With apologies to Gerry Conway, John Romita, Gil Kane, and the others. Oh, and, by the way, Spider-Man and Gwen Stacy are © 2012 Marvel Entertainment, LLC. South Park and related character is TM and © 2012 Comedy Central. All rights reserved.

 

 

Mad Max & More

Originally published May 1, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1276

Assorted stuff…

Okay. Here’s the scene. Identify it.

Some puzzled people scratching their heads, saying, “I know we forgot something… what was it… lemme think… it’s something just nagging at the back of my mind…”

And suddenly one of them shrieks with alarm, “KEVIN!”

Is it:

A) Catherine O’Hara in an airplane in Home Alone?

B) Matt Damon and Ben Affleck after the Oscars?

Either answer is acceptable, but in this case I was specifically referring to (B). As the two winners for the screenplay of Good Will Hunting thanked a whole buncha folks for their Oscar win, they became naggingly aware that they were forgetting someone. And I was sitting there saying to the screen, “Kevin Smith. You’re forgetting Kevin Smith.”

The Clerks writer/director, you see, was responsible for taking the film to the head of Miramax when low-level readers had already passed on the material (because that’s what low level readers are paid to do. They’re not paid actually to assess marketability or even really read if they don’t feel like it. A couple of studio readers passed on Sachs & Violens claiming that it “was just like Barb Wire“… indicating that they hadn’t even bothered to open the comic book since the two series are nothing alike.) With Smith, Good Will Hunting doesn’t get made… or at least doesn’t get made at this particular point in time.

You’d think that, since they were up for writing, they might have actually written something to have in front of them.

* * *

I received the following question, passed on to me by Michael Doran of the online news service “Newsarama.”

My question is: What do writers owe to their fans? I have followed Aquaman and The Hulk for as long as Peter David has been writing them. I have put hundreds of dollars and a bunch of hours into following Mr. David’s work, only to have him leave both titles abruptly, without explanation, save a flimsy “creative differences”. I feel let down and disappointed. Now I understand that these are comics and business sometimes goes this way, but aren’t the fans entitled to some kind of decent explanation?

Thanks,

George P.

Michael asked me to respond. I did so, with the following which I decided was worth reproducing here as well in the event that George’s sentiments were shared by others. And what I wrote was:

Wow. What an insensitive question.

No, in point of fact, fans are not entitled to “some kind of decent explanation.” For the money that fans invest in my stories, they are entitled to me giving it 100% every time out and the best possible stories I can tell. There ends the obligation to the fans. Everything beyond that is my business, and how much I choose to say or not say hinges on my desires, not the interest of the fans in finding out what’s going on.

Jack Kirby, a man who was synonymous with Marvel, went to DC, and the entirety of the explanation we received was that it was something that Jack wanted to do, and that was that. Disagreements with Stan Lee, behind the scenes arguments, creative frustrations, none of these were for public dissemination. And we, as fans, accepted that without question.

The timing of Aquaman and Hulk is unfortunate, I agree, but the bottom line is that I worked for four years on Aquaman (longer than any writer I can think of offhand) and I spent half my adult life writing Hulk. And I would have stayed with either or both if circumstances would have allowed me to tell, as stated above, the best stories that I could tell. But in both instances I was getting editorial directions that were self-contradicting and confusing, or downright (I felt) wrong. I did, in my column in CBG, give a more detailed explanation as to my leaving the Hulk, and I did so because I felt that not doing so would be remiss. If the reader chooses to read more about it so that he can perhaps sate his curiosity, he’s welcome to do so.

In the meantime, if fans want to avoid such problems, then I suggest they rally behind Supergirl and Young Justice, because the bottom line is that if sales are strong, you’re left alone.

* * *

Since it’s Passover as of this writing, I decided to kick back with the kids and watch The Ten Commandments. Been quite a while since I’ve seen this three and a half hour film. Sheesh. Give me a pair of scissors and I could whack that sucker down to two, two and a quarter hours without breaking sweat.

Now if you want to see a true, quality Passover film, the best one I can recommend is Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Yes, Thunderdome, the third and (currently) last Mad Max film, is basically a retelling of the story of the Jews’ liberation from Egypt. Consider the fundamental parallels (and we should note that I’m giving away the ending of the film, but it’s been out a while so it’s hardly a major calamity):

(Can’t recall if I’ve discussed this before; I might have. If I have, so what. It’s the season for it.)

Moses, falling out of favor with the ruler of Egypt after killing a task master, is sent to wander the desert. Foretold as a savior of the Jews who will bring them to the Promised Land, Moses returns to find himself once again in conflict with the ruler. He brings Egypt to its knees, goes on the run with the Jews, is pursued by the ruler and his minions, winds up parting a sea of water with his staff to escape, and gets his followers to the Promised Land but never gets to it himself. And the story of this is constantly retold as part of oral tradition, called a Seder, so those who had been saved will remember where they came from.

Mad Max (Mel Gibson) falling out of favor with the ruler of Bartertown (Tina Turner as Aunty Entity), after killing Blaster, half of Master-Blaster the task master, is sent to wander the desert. Foretold as a savior of a group of youngsters who will bring them to Tomorrow Land, Max returns to find himself once again in conflict with Aunty Entity. He brings Bartertown to its knees, goes on the run with the youngsters, is pursued by Aunty and her minions, winds up parting a sea of vehicles with his car to escape, and gets his followers to Tomorrow Land but never gets to it himself. And the story of this is constantly retold as part of oral tradition, called a Tell, so those who had been saved will remember where they came from.

If they make another Mad Max film, maybe he can find a way to have a candle burn for eight days.

* * *

DC Comics should be commended for the dignified, and yet not-too-solemn, memorial service held for Archie Goodwin on April 7. Probably the best Archie anecdotes were told by Walt Simonson and Jo Duffy. I was going to repeat them here since I figured that–by telling them in public–they were now public domain. But I’ve since decided that they’re really Jo’s and Walt’s stories to tell, in their own words, and so will not undercut them.

The moment that probably got the most silently startled reaction was when an older man with graying hair walked up to the front to speak. There was momentary puzzlement since most of the folks in my general area clearly had no idea who this guy was. He stepped forward and said in the microphone, “My name is Jim Warren…”

Surprised the hell out of us. I’ve been in this industry for about fifteen years now, and I’ve never seen the founder of Warren Comics. Gave a very polished presentation.

* * *

Of all the publishers and lines that have collapsed in recent days, the one I mourn the most is Jim Valentino’s Shadowline. A Touch of Silver was a wonderful series and deserved to be up for every award that currently exists. A retailer sent me a newsletter of his in which he raved about the quality of the title and then added, “Too bad I can’t give it away.”

Ultimately, fans wind up getting exactly the comics they deserve. Kind of the same reason why SF films are reaching increase incoherence, as recently evinced in Lost in Space. When fans make illiterate tripe like Independence Day and Stargate into hits, what else should one expect?

* * *

The Green Lantern BBS column seems to have gotten a lot of reaction. Good. However, I should mention one behind-the-scenes aspect of it.

One of the “postings” is from “Hellison.” That posting was actually written by Harlan Ellison. I told him about the column, he thought it was great, and I invited him to come up with a posting as if he were a typical 1959 comics fan. And he came up with the nutty entry, including the totally non-sequitur, “There is only one George Washington. There is only one Abraham Lincoln. There is only one Marx Brother.”

Actually, it’s gotten such a good response, I’m curious: Are there any other suggestions for great moments in comic history, which predate computer boards, that you guys would like to see subjected to the BBS treatment similar to what this column gave the Silver Age Green Lantern? Let me know.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705).

 

Movie review: Lost in Space

Originally published April 24, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1275

Young Will Robinson looks to his sister Penny who—rather than wholesome and clean-cut—now evokes a style best described as “Punk Toontown” and possesses a voice that’s a cross between The Nanny and Lisa Simpson. Penny has just gone into gruesome detail as to what happens when one is faced with the effects of floating unprotected in the vacuum of space. And the cherubic Will wonders, “Do they have a name for what’s wrong with you?”

Sure do, Will. The name is, “The Nineties.”

New Line Cinema’s $80 million Lost in Space, opened April 3 on more screens than any film in New Line Cinema’s history, with a story that is both an update and, at the same time, retro. Updating the 1960s classic (which, in modern terminology, means “old”), the Space Family Robinson embarks on a colonizing mission intended to provide the means of salvaging a dying earth.

But matters go awry when a sabotage attempt by an eco-terrorist (worst kind) named Zachary Smith—who winds up inadvertently being stuck on the vessel when it takes off–causes the Jupiter II to wind up… everyone say it with me… lost in space.

Basically Akiva Goldsman’s convoluted script retells the first two episodes, “The Reluctant Stowaway” and “The Derelict,” adding a ton of familial angst, a boatload of special effects (more effects, according to New Line, than any film in history), and a time travel element so byzantine it makes the plot to Mission: Impossible look like the Barney movie.

It’s not quite as badly written as, say, the effects-laden Independence Day (nothing could be) but it manages the impressive feat of trying to accomplish too much and–consequently—accomplishes almost nothing. Story elements are introduced and never pay off, opportunities missed (after Penny’s early dissertation on dying in the vacuum of space, can you imagine Penny’s anguish if they’d had a scene where Will really was trapped in space with only minutes to live?)

Oftentimes story developments seem present, not for the purpose of serving the film, but serving the toy shelves. (How they missed the giant cyclops, I have no idea. To be honest, I was kind of hoping he’d show up.) No one really seems to have sufficient screen time to be fleshed out, and key relationships which built in the series over time (Will’s genuine fondness and friendship for the robot, for instance) are taken on faith rather than evolved on screen.

Director Stephen Hopkins manages to take the tepid script and walk, rather than run, with it, as the cast generates such low energy that you almost have to wonder whether the actors feel like the dance band on the Titanic, i.e., they know that no one’s listening to them anyway because there’s too much to look at. William Hurt and Mimi Rogers, in particular, as John and Maureen Robinson, generate the chemistry of flat Coca Cola, as Hurt trades in Guy William’s Zorro-esque heroism and swashbuckling for overly cerebral brooding, and Rogers just looks lost (which is appropriate, I guess.)

It’s not a complete wasteland. Judy Robinson has been upgraded from her original incarnation (who can forget that she “gave up a promising career in musical theater” to join her family) and is now the ship’s doctor. Granted, it’s questionable having the ship’s medic be a member of the family (“Okay, daddy, time to check your prostate”), but at least it’s something… although Judy (Heather Graham) is largely limited to trading half-witty repartee with ship’s pilot Don West. Matt LeBlanc as West, though, is amazingly fun to watch; he has several scenes with original West Mark Goddard, and one wonders if Goddard gave him some tips. If he did, they paid off, because of the entire cast, LeBlanc is the only one who looks like he’s having a great time.

But for the most part, we’re left looking at the FX, and boy, there’s a lot to look at. Two new space vessels, two new robots, a CGI critter that is the film’s answer to the idiotic “disguised” chimp from the original series called the Bloop… except in the film it’s called the Blaap, or the Bwaap, or the Bweep, or the Bwaaach, or some other damned thing, I never did quite catch it properly. Don West wears a battle helmet last seen in Stargate, the Robinsons sport a variety of ensembles including launch gear that trade in the original Swanson’s Frozen Dinner duds from the 1960s for hard plastic black body suits that almost cry out for molded nipples.

The only other major attraction in the film is Gary Oldman as Doctor Smith. He’s great in the role, even subtly aping some of Jonathan Harris’ mannerisms. However, the script does make the calamitous mistake of having Smith cop to the fact that he was trying to murder the Robinsons. In the original series, Smith never really admitted to it, constantly claiming that he was misunderstood and unjustly accused. It gave them an emotional out, enabling Smith to build a base of (admittedly, self-serving) trust between himself and Will, and justifying to some degree why Don West didn’t simply shove the little weasel out the airlock (since he couldn’t be absolutely sure that Smith was anything more than an irritating trouble-maker, as opposed to a murderer.)

But in this case Smith is candid about his villainy. He even seems to revel in it, flaunting it. During an ominous moment on a derelict ship, Smith’s spider-sense warns him that nastiness is imminent and he conveys this to the Robinsons by saying, “Evil knows evil.”

By choosing this direction, by making Smith so purely vile, the script backs the characters into a corner. No matter how much they try and rationalize it, there is absolutely no way that LeBlanc’s war-veteran West–whose overall goal is to protect the Robinsons—doesn’t space Smith by the third reel. No way. It’s not like he automatically obeys the orders of John Robinson. As a matter of fact, they make a point of saying he doesn’t. You can’t have it both ways. “Give me an excuse to kill you,” West tells Smith at gunpoint. How about this: He already tried to kill you, moron! He set the robot to destroy the Robinsons, he presents an ongoing sabotage threat, he revels in his villainy, and he completely trashes a section of the medlab for no reason other than to be a creep. Clearly this is someone who does not work and play well with others.

If Oldman’s Smith is a self-admitted genuine threat to life and limb, LeBlanc’s West ices him, without a flicker of conscience, without a heartbeat of remorse. End of story.

And the bottom line is, they could afford to off Smith. They really could.

You see, the original LiS was set in 1997, but the Robinson family of that time—father John, wife Maureen, sisters Penny and Judy, and son Will—were more evocative of the TV standard of the Cleavers or the Andersons. There might have been general bickering from time to time, a disagreement here and there over how best to handle a dicey situation. But for the most part this was a heroic, loving family united in their great adventure.

No more. That is not good enough for the ultra sophisticated ’90s. Wholesome is boring. Heroic is passé. And in the new Lost in Space film, we have swung from one extreme to the other as the loving Robinsons are replaced by the dysfunctional Robinsons. It’s supposed to give us an ironic subtext, you see. The Robinsons physical predicament (being lost in the void) is a reflection of their emotional situation, since they are equally lost in their ability to relate to one another. Professor John Robinson is bound and determined, in his colonizing efforts, to try and save the world… and yet he’s so busy doing that that he’s completely lost touch with such vital and important relationships such as his non-existent bond with son Will.

That’s why Smith is almost superfluous in this film. In the original series, it was the sheer decency and overall niceness of the Robinsons that prompted network execs to say, in essence, “This show needs more conflict.” And it wasn’t a bad idea. If you’re going to do the Cleavers in space, you need Eddie Haskell.

The original pilot featured neither Smith nor Robot. Smith was inserted to stir things up, and the Robot was his henchman. At least that was the original intent, despite whatever they may have morphed into by the show’s campy third season. But in this film the Robinsons themselves are so contentious, so fractured, so completely screwed up as a family unit, that they don’t need anyone to make things worse. Things are bad enough for them if they’re left to their own devices. In Lost in Space, we embark on the slippery slope of what the audience is supposed to do when the heroes aren’t heroic. Characters can have foibles and still be heroic, still be someone you root for. Let’s face it, Kirk was an overly smug womanizer, Spock was a superior-minded stiff, and McCoy was a racist. But dammit, Jim, you knew they were the heroes. And granted, in Space Cases, we had a contentious bunch of space goers, but they weren’t supposed to be a family carefully selected to helm a colonizing mission, they were a group of screw-ups who were thrust into a situation and had to rise to the occasion.

With the Robinsons, there’s no one to root for. No one really to care about. The Robinsons are the center of the Lost in Space saga, and if the center cannot hold, you have nothing that an audience can really care about. The original Robinsons were nice… they were nice. John Robinson was the TV dad every kid would have liked to have (well, not me. I’d have leaned more towards Gomez Addams.) Maureen was supermom with endless patience, and the kids were likeable and “normal.”

You wanted them to find their way home, you anguished over their predicament. Here, you just don’t care about them. When Penny (Lacey Chabert) voices the dreaded realization, “We’re lost,” you don’t feel any stirring of compassion. Instead you just say, “Well, yeah, hence the title.”

Is it impossible to tell a story of a dysfunctional family in space? No, not at all. What if the Robinsons had started out a warm, loving family, someone the audience could root for. And then, when the calamity befalls them, they fall apart. Deep-seated conflicts, unresolved hostilities merely papered over, come to the surface. There are recriminations, finger pointing, anger and vituperation. The family fractures. They thought they were happy, but they were wrong. They were likeable, but now they’re hurting, and we feel for them and want them to reunite into the way we feel they’re meant to be. Subsequent events then develop to pull them together, to make them in reality that which they had originally thought they were.

That’s certainly not the only way. I’m sure there’s many others, most of them likely better. Instead the Robinsons have been “improved” to be angry and bickering. With the psych profile this bunch probably generated, you can’t be surprised they were shot off into space: Earth was probably glad to be rid of them.

And that’s kind of sad, really. There’s a drive to revive the heroic icons of the 1960s… and then trash them (geez, look what they did to Mr. Phelps). As if to say, How could we have ever been so foolish to think that anyone could be decent and heroic. As if we hold up a mirror to the ’60s and see only contempt reflected back.

Maybe the Robinsons aren’t the only ones who are lost.

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

The Silver Age… of Message Boards

Originally published April 17, 1998, in Comics Buyer’s Guide #1274

(And now… a But I Digress Elseworlds Green Lantern story…)

Subj: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-24 16:05:32 EST

From: Insider

Okay, hold on to your hats. Ever since word broke about the revival of Flash, there’s been all kinds of talk about who’s going to be next. And my inside contacts say it’s–get ready–Green Lantern. Details to follow as soon as I get them. The long dry spell is over! Beware, evil! Lantern’s light will be shining again.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-24 16:55:41 EST

From: Wondy

Well, let’s hope to God they’ve learned from their mistakes. The Flash “revival” three years ago was a disaster. With that stupid red costume that looks like long underwear and a new identity… and the whole thing with the true Golden Age heroes actually just being comic book characters… it was pure idiocy. Here’s to the return of the one, true, Green Lantern, Alan Scott.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-24 17:02:05 EST

From: IbisInvinc

I’m with you, Wondy. I have to admit, I’m not sure how to react to this. I’d love to say that I believe D.C. comics is capable of pulling this off, but frankly the “Flash” debacle has soured me on them altogether. National Publications seems to me a rather cynical bunch who’s just out to make a few bucks off of the memories of their truly classic characters. I’d like to be impressed… but I’m not holding my breath.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 14:27:01 EST

From: Insider

Okay… I know you guys are going to flip…

They’re doing it again. D.C. editors and some fans *somewhere* supposedly like the new Flash so much that they’ve decided to give Green Lantern the same start-from-scratch treatment. The new Green Lantern is going to be Hal Jordan, a pilot who comes upon a dying alien named Abin Sur. Abin Sur sought out Jordan because Jordan is supposed to be absolutely fearless. He gives Jordan a ring, a green and black uniform, and a power battery, and says he’s supposed to be the new Green Lantern.

Then he dies, leaving Jordan with a ring operated by will power, but unable to affect anything that’s the color yellow because of a “necessary impurity” in the ring. And Jordan starts his crime fighting.

You know, D.C. has no bigger fan than me, but I have to say it sounds kind of lame. There’s a

picture of the new GL on my web page. Check it out.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 14:32:11 EST

From: AllWinner

NYAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT’S GONNA STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKK!

SO CLOSE! WE WERE SO CLOSE TO GETTING THE LANTERN BACK, AND NOW THIS!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 14:32:11 EST

From: IbisInvinc

And it’s so typical. Sooo typical. They have to lean on this science fiction garbage. Aliens from outer space? Why does it have to be ALIENS, for pity’s sake? A cheap and unoriginal attempt to cash in on the popularity of all these lousy B-movies we’ve choked on the past few years. FLYING SAUCER CRAZE And “fearless?” How pointless. If he’s fearless, he’s not a hero. He’s just too dumb to be scared.

And I checked out the costume. Good lord. Who the hell designed that thing? Green and red was the perfect combo. This thing is green and black. Was the designer color blind?

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 14:43:35 EST

From: Wondy

And no cape! Did you see? No cape! Was there anything more majestic than the sight of Green

Lantern sweeping towards you with that cape swirling around him. And yellow? YELLOW? Wood as a weakness makes sense! YELLOW? I can just see his villains: Chicken Man. Captain Banana.

Thanks for the tip, Insider. Least I’m going to be able to save my dime.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 14:57:01 EST

From: Wildcat

I am not taking this lying down, no sir. Not buying it isn’t enough. Boycott. Boycott boycott boycott. We do not have to have this shoved down our throats. No sir. Boycott the whole line. Write to everybody. Let them know that they’re sending the whole company right down the toilet. I’m getting up a petition. Who’s with me?

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:02:41 EST

From: CptVideo

Sign me up. This stinks on ice.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:05:29 EST

From: Bob283

Anyone who gives this a chance is an idiot. Sign me up, too.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:07:18 EST

From: AllWinner

GOOOOOOOOOO BOYCOTT!!!! LET’S BLOW UP D.C. WHILE WE’RE AT IT!!

EVERYONE WHO HELPS WITH THIS GARRRRBAGE STIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKS!!

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:10:33 EST

From: Spectre

Oh, come on, aren’t you all overreacting just a little? Maybe it won’t be so bad. At least the power ring and the name are back. And the stories might actually be good. Shouldn’t we give it at least a chance before we trash it?

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:12:27 EST

From: LilWiseGuy

As usual, Spectre, you don’t have a ghost of an clue. D.C. figures that all they have to do is put out a comic called “Green Lantern” and we’ll plunk down our hard-earned dimes for it. It doesn’t matter if it actually IS Green Lantern. They figure we’re idiots and will buy anything. And jerks like you prove them right.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:13:41 EST

From: Hellison

LilWiseGuy is usually braindead, but this time I’m with him.

There is only one George Washington. There is only one Abraham Lincoln. There is only one Marx Brother. And there is only one Green Lantern…THE Green Lantern, Alan Scott, and any two-bit imposters who get in my way are going to get what’s coming to them.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:13:41 EST

From: SpySmshr

Did you notice? Hal Jordan…”Jordan” as in the River Jordan, or Jordanians. Abin Sur…sounds like an Arab name to me. If you ask me, this has a hidden message that builds up enemies of Israel and probably has a secret anti-semitic theme to it. I may buy it just to read it over for further hidden meanings.

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:16:09 EST

From: AllWinner

I GOT IT! I GOT THE PERFECT STORY! THEY BRING IN THIS HAL JORDAN GREEN

LANTERN… AND THEN HE GOES COMPLETELY NUTS AND KILLS A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE BECAUSE THAT’S HOW NUTS HE IS, AND ALAN SCOTT, THE REAL GREEN LANTERN, COMES BACK AND SAVES THE DAY! I THINK WE SHOULD SUGGEST IT!

 

Subj: Re: Green Lantern Revival

Date: 59-05-26 15:19:29 EST

From: Dooley9

Well, I’ll tell you, AllWinner, I thought that was a lousy idea. But to be fair, I asked my little son, Kevin, what he thought, and he seemed pretty excited about it. And it was so cute… he asked his invisible friend, “Kyle,” what he thought, and Kyle seemed to like it, too.

So who knows? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. After all, who knows what the future will bring?

(Peter David, writer of stuff, can be written to at Second Age, Inc., PO Box 239, Bayport, NY 11705.)

 

Obama reelected

At least according to NBC, AOL, and the Daily Show.

Thank God.

PAD