Taylor Fenner's Blog, page 116

Book Review: Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo

Crooked Kingdom (Six of Crows Duology #2) by Leigh Bardugo Blurb:When you can't beat the odds, change the game.
Kaz Brekker and his crew have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But instead of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives. Double-crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on resources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties. A war will be waged on the city's dark and twisting streets―a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.
My Review:The crew is back after their adventure in the Ice Court - but one of their own has been kidnapped, another fights the withdrawal of jurda parem, and they've been screwed over by Jan Van Eck. 
Kaz isn't going to let Van Eck get away with using his crew or taking his Wraith, he will stop at nothing to bring him down. Through a series of intricate plans and the dazzling sleight of hand we were introduced to in Six of Crows the crew will aim to get everything they every wanted. But will that piece of everything come at too high a cost? 
While I loved this book, possibly more than Six of Crows, it felt like it took me a really long time to read. I found myself reading this book in fits and starts, the story would grab me then I'd lose interest for a little while. Don't get me wrong, the book is excellently written and plotted - I'm probably the one at fault for how long it took me to read.
I loved seeing more depth to Wylan in this book and he and Jesper were two of my favorite characters, they were so awesome together. I also really loved seeing Genya, Zoya, and "Sturmhond" in this book! It just gets me so much more excited for King of Scars. Inej and Kaz's romantic tension was heartbreaking and encouraging to read. You could see how much they wanted to be together but they demons from their past just kept it from happening. Maybe in the 3rd book to come someday??? And Nina and Matthias... no, I just can't go there yet. My heart is broken. 
Overall, this book will give you all the feels from triumph and pulse-pounding schemes to heartbreak and grief and hope for the future. Ms. Bardugo may steal the spot for my favorite author yet.
My Rating:

{Cover Reveal} Only A Breath Apart by Katie McGarry

   
Would you dare to defy destiny? Are our destinies written in stone? Do we become nothing more than the self-fulfilling prophesies of other people's opinions? Or can we dare to become who we believe we were born to be?  
“A gorgeous, heartfelt journey of redemption and love” (Wendy Higgins), ONLY A BREATH APART is a young adult contemporary novel from critically acclaimed Katie McGarry. “Haunting, authentic, and ultimately hopeful” (Tammara Webber), ONLY A BREATH APART will be available on all retailers on January 22, 2019!    
About ONLY A BREATH APART:Jesse dreams of working the land that’s been in his family forever. But he’s cursed to lose everything he loves most.Scarlett is desperate to escape her “charmed” life. But leaving a small town is easier said than done.Despite their history of heartbreak, when Jesse sees a way they can work together to each get what they want, Scarlett can’t say no.Each midnight meeting between Jesse and Scarlett will push them to confront their secrets and their feelings for each other.   
Amazon | Kobo | Google Play | B-A-M | Barnes & Noble |  iBooks    
“Gritty and real, Only a Breath Apart is a story of hope conjured from pain, strength drawn from innocence, and love earned from self-respect. Beautiful, poignant, and fierce.”―Kristen Simmons, critically acclaimed author of the Article 5 series   
Add it to your Goodreads today!
      Katie McGarry Bio: 
 Katie McGarry was a teenager during the age of grunge and boy bands and remembers those years as the best and worst of her life. She is a lover of music, happy endings, reality television, and is a secret University of Kentucky basketball fan. Katie is the author of full length YA novels, PUSHING THE LIMITS, DARE YOU TO, CRASH INTO YOU, TAKE ME ON,  BREAKING THE RULES, and NOWHERE BUT HERE and the e-novellas, CROSSING THE LINE and RED AT NIGHT. Her debut YA novel, PUSHING THE LIMITS was a 2012 Goodreads Choice Finalist for YA Fiction, a RT Magazine's 2012 Reviewer's Choice Awards Nominee for Young Adult Contemporary Novel, a double Rita Finalist, and a 2013 YALSA Top Ten Teen Pick. DARE YOU TO was also a Goodreads Choice Finalist for YA Fiction and won RT Magazine’s Reviewer’s Choice Best Book Award for Young Adult Contemporary fiction in 2013. Website | Twitter | Facebook | Goodreads | Pinterest | Tumbler | Instagram    

{Book Review Blog Tour}: Rock King by Tara Leigh

Rock King (Nothing but Trouble #1) by Tara Leigh Blurb:Fans of Kristen Callihan and Kylie Scott will scream for this sizzling bad boy rock star romance!
I'm not who you think I am.
Shane Hawthorne has it all. At least, that's what the headlines say about me. I have millions of fans, awards, more money - and women - than I know what to do with. But what you don't see is the wreckage I've caused. The memories and pain I can't escape, even when I pour them into music and spin them into gold.
I tried to forget. To lose myself in booze and groupies. It didn't work. It hurt me and - worse - it hurt my band. That's the last thing I want to do, so I'm cleaning up my act... starting with Delaney Fraser.
Gorgeous, smart, drama-free, and even nice - Delaney is the perfect "girlfriend." When I'm with her I don't have to pretend. It's like she sees the real me. And I can see a future with her. But that's dangerous. Because the truth is, Shane Hawthorne doesn't actually exist. He's a shield to hide who I really am. Fraud. Runaway. Addict. Murderer.
And it's impossible to love a lie, right?
The Nothing but Trouble series: Rock King Rock Legend Rock Rebel
Grab Your Copy:Kindle ➜ https://amzn.to/2FueGjJ
Universal ➜ https://myBook.to/RockKingTaraLeigh
iBooks ➜ http://apple.co/2jhjPDD
Nook ➜ http://bit.ly/2At4A3C
Kobo ➜ http://bit.ly/2jSuELG
Paperback ➜ http://amzn.to/2pgQKKq
Goodreads ➜ http://bit.ly/2ABa3n3
Preorder Rock Legend (Nothing But Trouble #3) - Coming July 17, 2018!Kindle ➜ https://amzn.to/2rc9nA7Universal ➜ https://myBook.to/RockLegendTaraLeighiBooks ➜ https://apple.co/2tPFgTHNook ➜ http://bit.ly/2DrJhNVKobo ➜ http://bit.ly/2HD1muVPaperback ➜ https://amzn.to/2IqjSqwGoodreads ➜ http://bit.ly/2pfUxsx
My Review:To the outside world, Shane Hawthorne has a perfect life: successful rock star, rich playboy; he's the guy every woman wants and every guy wants to be. But it's all a carefully constructed facade to cover up Shane's troubled past. Underneath it all Shane is a mess, riddled by the guilt of an accident that killed his best friend more than ten years earlier. For too long he overindulged in drugs, alcohol, and women and nearly imploded his career. 

Enter Delaney Fraser - the latest in a long line of women paid to be Shane's companion - his "fake girlfriend." But while Shane's previous girlfriends have ranged from aspiring models to actresses, Delaney is just a normal girl with demons of her own - and the realness of her speaks to the darkness in Shane. For the first time in a long time, Shane wants more than a fake relationship with a woman. But how could anyone love someone with a past like Shane's?


I really, really loved this book! I can't believe I didn't read Rock King sooner as it's been on my Amazon wishlist for months now. Shane is the delicious type of broken male character that I swoon for and the similarities between Delaney and Shane's pasts was well-written and believable in the way they look at life, relationships, and themselves. 


I love a good rock star romance and this is a perfect read for fans of Kylie Scott's Stage Dive Series, Emily Snow's Devoured Series, and Jamie Shaw's Mayhem series. The only improvement I could have suggested was the relationship/interaction between Shane and the rest of his band. In other series of this subgenre you see rock stars being good friends with their bandmates, or having a lot of scenes where they were together but there wasn't a whole lot of that in this book. There was a little bit with Landon, but nothing that I can recall with Jett and I can't honestly remember if the fourth guy's name was Dex or Dax.


Overall, I couldn't get enough of this book. It was a quick, addictive read and I'm eager to learn more about Landon in Rock Legend. 

My Rating:

Top Ten Tuesday: Top 10 To Read At The Beach This Summer

Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly meme hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl.
Top Ten Tuesday: Top Ten Books I'm Looking Forward to This Summer
This week's TTT is all about books releasing this summer that I can't wait to read. 
June Releases:
1. One Small Thing by Erin Watt Blurb:Beth’s life hasn’t been the same since her sister died. Her parents try to lock her down, believing they can keep her safe by monitoring her every move. When Beth sneaks out to a party one night and meets the new guy in town, Chase, she’s thrilled to make a secret friend. It seems a small thing, just for her.
Only Beth doesn’t know how big her secret really is…
Fresh out of juvie and determined to start his life over, Chase has demons to face and much to atone for, including his part in the night Beth’s sister died. Beth, who has more reason than anyone to despise him, is willing to give him a second chance. A forbidden romance is the last thing either of them planned for senior year, but the more time they spend together, the deeper their feelings get.
Now Beth has a choice to make—follow the rules, or risk tearing everything apart…again.
Release Date: June 26, 2018*I've actually read an ARC of this book. Erin Watt is one of my favorite authors (writing duos) and this book was a quick, addictive read!
2. My Plain Jane by Cynthia Hand, Jodi Meadows, and Brody Ashton Blurb:You may think you know the story. After a miserable childhood, penniless orphan Jane Eyre embarks on a new life as a governess at Thornfield Hall. There, she meets one dark, brooding Mr. Rochester. Despite their significant age gap (!) and his uneven temper (!!), they fall in love—and, Reader, she marries him. (!!!)

Or does she?

Prepare for an adventure of Gothic proportions, in which all is not as it seems, a certain gentleman is hiding more than skeletons in his closets, and one orphan Jane Eyre, aspiring author Charlotte Brontë, and supernatural investigator Alexander Blackwood are about to be drawn together on the most epic ghost hunt this side of Wuthering Heights.

Release Date: June 26, 2018*I actually haven't read the first book in this series but since I'm pretty sure their standalones-in-a-series I think I'll be okay. This book just sounds awesome.*
July Releases:
3. The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager Blurb:Two Truths and a Lie. The girls played it all the time in their tiny cabin at Camp Nightingale. Vivian, Natalie, Allison, and first-time camper Emma Davis, the youngest of the group. The games ended when Emma sleepily watched the others sneak out of the cabin in the dead of night. The last she--or anyone--saw of them was Vivian closing the cabin door behind her, hushing Emma with a finger pressed to her lips.

Now a rising star in the New York art scene, Emma turns her past into paintings--massive canvases filled with dark leaves and gnarled branches that cover ghostly shapes in white dresses. The paintings catch the attention of Francesca Harris-White, the socialite and wealthy owner of Camp Nightingale. When Francesca implores her to return to the newly reopened camp as a painting instructor, Emma sees an opportunity to try to find out what really happened to her friends.

Yet it's immediately clear that all is not right at Camp Nightingale. Already haunted by memories from fifteen years ago, Emma discovers a security camera pointed directly at her cabin, mounting mistrust from Francesca and, most disturbing of all, cryptic clues Vivian left behind about the camp's twisted origins. As she digs deeper, Emma finds herself sorting through lies from the past while facing threats from both man and nature in the present.

And the closer she gets to the truth about Camp Nightingale, the more she realizes it may come at a deadly price.
Release Date: July 3, 2018*This book is right up my alley in the triller department. It sounds part-Pretty Little Liars, part-Lisa Jackson/Nora Robert's style and I can't wait to read it!*
4. Like Never and Always by Ann Aguirre Blurb:On a hot summer night, a screech of brakes and shattering glass changes two lives forever.

Liv wakes in the hospital, confused when they call her Morgan. She assumes it’s a case of mistaken identity, yet when the bandages come off, it’s not her face in the mirror anymore. It’s her best friend Morgan’s.

Morgan always seemed to have the perfect life, yet Liv must navigate endlessly disturbing secrets of the criminal and murderous variety—and a romance that feels like a betrayal. Torn between the boy she loved as Liv and the boy she’s grown to love as Morgan, Liv still has to survive Morgan’s last request.
Release Date: July 17, 2018
*Tor Teen actually offered the first 7 chapters of this book in their last newsletter and I started reading and was riveted! I forced myself not to read past chapter three but this is one I'm chomping at the bit to get in my hands.*
5. The Unfortunates by Kim Liggett Blurb:When seventeen-year-old senator's son Grant Tavish is involved in a fatal accident, all he wants to do is face the consequences of what he's done, but the consequences never come, even if headlines of "affluenza" do. The truth soon becomes clear: Due to his father's connections, not only will Grant not be held accountable for his actions, he's going to get away with murder.

When a long Tavish tradition approaches, a cave excursion on the Appalachian trail, Grant seizes the opportunity to take justice into his own hands by staging an accident and never coming back. But before he has a chance to enact his plans, the cave system collapses, trapping him miles beneath the surface with four other teens from much less fortunate circumstances. As they struggle to survive, they share their innermost secrets and fears, and just when it seems they might be on track to finding a way out, they realize there's something else down there.
And it's hunting them.
Release Date: July 10, 2018*Kim Liggett is another one of my favorite authors. I loved her Blood and Salt duology and this book sounds particularly interesting.*
6. Grace and Fury by Tracy Banghart Blurb:In a world where women have no rights, sisters Serina and Nomi Tessaro face two very different fates: one in the palace, the other in prison.

Serina has been groomed her whole life to become a Grace--someone to stand by the heir to the throne as a shining, subjugated example of the perfect woman. But when her headstrong and rebellious younger sister, Nomi, catches the heir's eye, it's Serina who takes the fall for the dangerous secret that Nomi has been hiding.

Now trapped in a life she never wanted, Nomi has only one way to save Serina: surrender to her role as a Grace until she can use her position to release her sister. This is easier said than done. A traitor walks the halls of the palace, and deception lurks in every corner. But Serina is running out of time, imprisoned on an island where she must fight to the death to survive and one wrong move could cost her everything.Release Date: July 31, 2018*This book sounds intriguing and a blogger I follow on Goodreads described it as a "cross between The Selection and The Handmaid's Tale" and I was like "yes please!" I'm pretty sure this is the book for June's Fairyloot, but I'll have to let you know if I'm right.*
7. Heart of Thorns by Bree Barton Blurb:In the ancient river kingdom, touch is a battlefield, bodies the instruments of war. Seventeen-year-old Mia Rose has pledged her life to hunting Gwyrach: women who can manipulate flesh, bones, breath, and blood.

Not women. Demons. The same demons who killed her mother without a single scratch.

But when Mia's father suddenly announces her marriage to the prince, she is forced to trade in her knives and trousers for a sumptuous silk gown. Only after the wedding goes disastrously wrong does she discover she has dark, forbidden magic—the very magic she has sworn to destroy.Release Date: July 31, 2018*I love the cover of this book, the blurb appeals to me, and I love forced engagements and forbidden magic in YA fantasy. Again, I think this is July's pick for Fairyloot so I just have to wait for it to arrive!*
August Releases:
8. The Towering Sky by Katharine McGee Blurb:The final book in Katharine McGee's epic New York Times bestselling series, The Thousandth Floor.

It's New York City, 2118.

In Manhattan’s glamorous thousand-story supertower, millions of people are living scandalous lives. Leda, Watt, Rylin, Avery, and Calliope are all struggling to hide the biggest secrets of all, secrets that could destroy everything, and send their perfect worlds toppling over the edge.

Because every rise has a fall.Release Date: August 28, 2018*This is THE book I'm waiting for this summer. Must. Have. This. Book. Give. It. To. Me!*


9. Losing the Field by Abbi Glines Blurb:Losing his dream, his ultimate plan, and his future- Nash Lee never expected to be facing a life without football. One wrong move and it had all changed. Going back to school for his senior year no longer appealed to him. He’d rather not leave his house. Walking back into Lawton High School, seeing pity in everyone’s eyes was just another reality in his nightmare.

Revenge wasn’t a pretty thing. Tallulah Liddell had found it was rather controlling. The way you looked at life changed completely when you clung to the ugly notion. But she’d done it anyway. From the last day of her junior year when Ryker Lee had made a fat joke about her and Nash laughed with him, she’d been driven by pain. It wasn’t like no one had made fun of her weight before. She was used to that. What had hurt so deeply was Nash’s laughter. He’d always been the one person to notice her, include her, not treat her differently. But that one moment had changed it all. From the time she walked out of the school building to the moment she returned for her senior year Tallulah had been determined to lose weight and finally be the size her peers considered acceptable.

What she wasn’t expecting on her return was to find a broken Nash Lee who no longer smiled, rarely spoke, and didn’t care about anything or anyone around him. He was just existing. But the pain in his eyes she understood all too well. He was alone. He no longer fit into the perfect package.
Release Date: August 21, 2018*I love this series but I was actually surprised that there was going to be a fourth book. I'm eager to dive back into this world though. I can totally relate to Tallulah Liddell already!*
10. City of Ghosts by Victoria Schwab Blurb:Cassidy Blake's parents are The Inspectres, a (somewhat inept) ghost-hunting team. But Cass herself can REALLY see ghosts. In fact, her best friend, Jacob, just happens to be one.

When The Inspectres head to ultra-haunted Edinburgh, Scotland, for their new TV show, Cass—and Jacob—come along. In Scotland, Cass is surrounded by ghosts, not all of them friendly. Then she meets Lara, a girl who can also see the dead. But Lara tells Cassidy that as an In-betweener, their job is to send ghosts permanently beyond the Veil. Cass isn't sure about her new mission, but she does know the sinister Red Raven haunting the city doesn't belong in her world. Cassidy's powers will draw her into an epic fight that stretches through the worlds of the living and the dead, in order to save herself.
Release Date: August 28, 2018*I usually don't read Middle Grade but this book sounds really good. I love books with ghosts and I like the setting for this book.* What upcoming summer releases are you most excited about? Did any of them make my list? Let me know in the comments or drop me a link to your answers!Happy Reading Bookdragons!-

Calling all authors!

July marks my 3-year anniversary as a book blogger and I'd like to celebrate all month long by doing spotlights, guest posts, & giveaways on my blog for authors and books of all genres, especially YA. Message me on twitter, email me, or use the contact form found here if interested or if you know someone that is!

Waiting On Wednesday: Grim Lovelies by Megan Shepherd

Since I'm catching up on some books I've set aside for a while this week "What I'm Reading: Wednesday" turns into "Waiting on Wednesday" with this gem I can't wait to read...
Grim Lovelies by Megan Shepherd Grim Lovelies
Megan Shepherd
October 2, 2018
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
YA FantasyBlurb:Seventeen-year-old Anouk envies the human world, where people known as Pretties lavish themselves in fast cars, high fashion, and have the freedom to fall in love. But Anouk can never have those things, because she is not really human. Enchanted from animal to human girl and forbidden to venture beyond her familiar Parisian prison, Anouk is a Beastie: destined for a life surrounded by dust bunnies and cinders serving Mada Vittora, the evil witch who spelled her into existence. That is, until one day she finds her mistress murdered in a pool of blood—and Anouk is accused of the crime.
Now, the world she always dreamed of is rife with danger. Pursued through Paris by the underground magical society known as the Haute, Anouk and her fellow Beasties only have three days to find the real killer before the spell keeping them human fades away. If they fail, they will lose the only lives they’ve ever known…but if they succeed, they could be more powerful than anyone ever bargained for.
From New York Times bestselling author Megan Shepherd, Grim Lovelies is an epic and glittering YA fantasy. Prepare to be spellbound by the world of Grim Lovelies, where secrets have been long buried, friends can become enemies, and everything—especially humanity—comes at a price.
Why I'm Waiting:I first heard about this book when a blogger friend of mine received an ARC from the publisher. I love the cover so I went in search of an excerpt and found one on EW.com and immediately wanted to read more. October feels like such a long way off and I can't wait to read this book - it sounds so good! 
Preorder:Amazon | Barnes and Noble | iBooks | Google Play | BAM

Top Ten Tuesday: Books That Make Me Want to Travel

Top Ten Tuesday is a weekly meme hosted by That Artsy Reader Girl.
Top Ten Tuesday: Books that Awaken the Travel Bug In Me
This week's TTT is all about books that make you want to get in the car and take a trip or hop on a plane and explore somewhere new. As my interpretation I'm not only listing book settings I'd love to visit, but books about road trips.
1. The Suicide Road Trip (Crash Into Me by Albert Borris)
2. Cordelia and Jake's Road Trip (Getting Lost With Boys by Hailey Abbot)
3. Bram Castle, Romania (Hunting Prince Dracula by Kerri Maniscalco)
4. Ireland (Chasing River by K.A. Tucker)
5. Paris (Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins)
6. Denver (The Marked Men Series by Jay Crownover)
7. New Orleans (Midnight Bayou by Nora Roberts)
8. The Hamptons (Rush Duet by Penelope Ward & Vi Keeland)
9. Greece, Archaeological Dig in Turkey, Baja, etc. (Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants Series by Ann Brashares)
10. China (North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley)

What books about real places awakened the travel bug in you? Let me know in the comments or drop me a link to your answers.
Happy reading Bookdragons!
-

Book Review: Rebel Heart by Penelope Ward & Vi Keeland

Rebel Heart (Rush Duet #2) by Penelope Ward and Vi Keeland Blurb:From New York Times Bestselling authors Penelope Ward and Vi Keeland, comes the second book in a new, sexy duet. A full summer in a beach house became a lot more interesting when I met my new boss. More interesting…and complicated.
Rush and Gia's story continues in the gripping conclusion to Rebel Heir...
How to screw up a great summer in the Hamptons:Sleep with your boss. Check.
Blow all your money on a rental you can't afford. Check.
How to walk away from a man you fall in love with at the end of a summer:...I'll let you know when I figure it out.
My Review:Rebel Heart picks up where Rebel Heir leaves off and we come face to face with the truth of who Gia's one night stand from either in the summer really is. But will Gia tell Rush the truth right away? Or will he find it out in a really horrible way? And when Rush does find out the truth, will he be able to accept the cards he and Gia have been dealt? Or is it best to walk away and love Gia from afar?
I was hooked on Rush and Gia's story from book one and couldn't wait to see how things would play out from the cliffhanger at the end of the first book but I wasn't quite expecting the beginning of Rebel Heart to go the way it did. I know why the authors plotted it that way, adding tension to the story to keep the reader guessing will-she-tell-him-or-will-someone-else.
We see a lot more of Oak and Tony in this book which I loved because they're both such awesome, supportive characters but I would have liked to have seen more of Rush's mom. 
I'm still unsure how I feel about the deal Rush made with Elliot. It kind of left a bad taste in my mouth, but I'm glad the story ended the way it did. 
Overall, this is a quick read perfect for days at the beach. I still loved Gia and Rush as characters and I found the conclusion to their story satisfying even if it was a little heartbreaking along the way. 
My Rating:

An Open Letter About Depression: The Darkness Behind The Writer

In light of the recent losses of Kate Spade and Anthony Bordain to suicide this past week and the recent talk about mental illness in the media I'd like to open up about my struggles. 


The Darkness Behind the Writer
Sometimes I feel like the media doesn't have the required empathy when talking about people with depression or people who have taken their own lives, like they're trying to minimize things. Yes, maybe Kate Spade fixated on Robin William's death. Maybe it caused her to plan for her own suicide for four years. I don't know. Sometimes when you're in a dark place you just want all the pain to end. I understand that. 
I've struggled with what I now can admit to myself is severe depression and anxiety for years. Different things stick out to me now; being hysterical and not wanting to go to school because of bullying, the winter I used the excuse of Seasonal Affective Disorder when I didn't want to get out of bed for weeks after a break up, the times after I'd argued with my now ex-boyfriend that I remember standing in the middle of the grocery store wanting to burst into tears. I put on a brave face for so long so nobody would see how I was really feeling.
These past few years haven't been the easiest. My grandmother, who raised me and whom I've lived with almost all of my life, began having mobility issues in 2013. At first she walked with a walker, then when we had to go long distances she'd use a wheelchair, then after a fall she was in the wheelchair full time, and finally in the past 9 months transfers in and out of her wheelchair became extremely hard due to a diagnosis of Spinal Stenosis. During all of this time I was more than her granddaughter, I was her 24/7 caregiver. 
During this time my mood plummeted. I was irritable and argumentative, I was frequently in tears because what I thought of as a lack of freedom to live my life as others in my life got to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, and genuinely stressed out from the physical requirements of being a caregiver. I felt alone. I felt like I was screaming out for help but nobody could hear me or nobody was willing to help me. 
In March 2018 my grandmother ended up in the hospital with a blood clot and I just couldn't do it anymore. She ended up going into a nursing home and I ended up moving in with my mother and sister. Since that time my depression and anxiety has gotten increasingly worse. I was crying nearly every day, sometimes for no reason at all. I feel guilt for my grandmother having to be in a nursing home and feel even worse when things aren't ideal for her there which makes me feel worse. On top of that I feel like I have to manage everything for the both of us which has had me near my breaking point on more days than I want to admit. That combined with my new living situation, where it feels on certain days I'm living with strangers - at least one of which has severe anger issues and I often wondered throughout these past months whether I'd make it through to the other side. I felt - I still feel at times - hopeless.
Because of these feelings my writing has suffered. I know I *should* write, I have ideas to write down, but frequently I just have no desire to write. Depression has slowly stolen the things I enjoy. I have either no desire to read on certain days or can't concentrate when I do. I used to enjoy taking pictures for bookstagram and talking to friends about books but lately it's been a struggle to keep up with it day to day and even when I do post I'm not very talkative.
I finally had to admit that I needed help. Though I know with 100% certainty I would never take my own life, I've had my fair share of days where I walked across the foot bridge in town and thought to myself it would be so much less of a burden if it all just ended and other days where I wanted to crawl into bed and never wake up. So I made an appointment with the doctor on June 1st. 
I'll admit, it was more than a little embarrassing to talk about the way I've been feeling. But with a sympathetic third-party who has no involvement in my current situation I was able to admit the truth. I'm not happy. There are days when I can't even remember happy. And it's not "normal" to have three panic attacks in 24-hours. 
I'm not a great pill taker, but the doctor placed me on a medication for the severe anxiety and severe depression and gave me a referral for counseling this coming week. I've only been taking the medication for 9 days so I don't know yet how well it's working, some days I feel no different at all but it's not as often as before so perhaps that's a start. I'm a little nervous about starting counseling, unsure of the unknown, but it's something I've known I've needed for a while and I'm willing to try anything to make life more tolerable. 
Someone said the other day that Depression is a life-long disease and it's true. I'll have good days and bad, but it's about learning how to cope with the bad days that's important. I'm hoping that my story can help someone, at least to tell them they're not alone. There are others out there going through the same things you are. Don't keep it bottled inside. Talk to a friend, a family member, a doctor, or call the suicide prevention lifeline if you need to. Your life is worth living. It's not your time to go. 
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:1-800-273-8255

"What I'm Reading" Wednesday #120

This "WIR"-Wednesday I'm pushing off a couple ARCs I have to read in favor of the second book in a duology I'm hooked on. This week I'm reading...

Rebel Heart (Rush Series Duology #2) by Vi Keeland and Penelope Ward Blurb:From New York Times Bestselling authors Penelope Ward and Vi Keeland, comes the second book in a new, sexy duet. A full summer in a beach house became a lot more interesting when I met my new boss. More interesting…and complicated.
Why I Chose This Book | What I Think So FarI one-clicked Rebel Heart almost immediately after finishing Rebel Heir because after that ending I NEEDED to see what was going to happen next. I'm about 100 pages in and I'm hooked. My heart is breaking for Gia and Rush and I can't wait to see if they can find their way back to each other.