Jessica A. Walsh's Blog: Jessica Ann Walsh

Attachment to an Outcome Leads to Disappointment

It’s been just shy of a year since I’ve last written, and my weight loss journey continues. These efforts often feel like the only true constant in my life, which makes me sad. “I don’t want this to be my life’s work,” I’ve cried on more than one occasion. And yet here I am, a few months shy of my 41st birthday, still trying to lose weight.

Those of you who have been following me for some time know that I finally gave up “dieting” in 2020 and apologized for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. My weight loss journey shifted to one focused on recovery and balance — recovery from eating disorders and addictive behaviors, and balance instead of all or nothing thinking and actions. I’d be lying if I said I never wavered — I’m not immune to the promises of a good marketing team and those flashy before and after photos. But in the end, I’ve been able to stop myself (even if one time it was only because of a $1,300/month price tag on a new prescription that a friend of mine was having great success with).

I’ve had my own successes. My relationship with food and alcohol is healthier than it has ever been. And I’ve done it on my own (with the support of my amazing boyfriend.)

But I am still overweight.

Why am I writing now? Specifically because I have something to say about scales, and attachment to outcomes.

Attachment to an outcome leads to disappointment

You will find support for weighing yourself every day, once a week, once a month, once a year, never and everything in between. There is no consensus. It seems the only thing everyone agrees on is that weight fluctuates day to day, hour to hour, and we need to be mindful of this.

I came here today to tell you that if you get on a scale with any expectation, or attached to any outcome, you will most often be disappointed. Just look at this post I wrote on May 24, 2017 (my birthday)!! It’s about a girl NOT getting her birthday wish because HER BIRTHDAY WISH WAS A NUMBER ON A SCALE.

From the post:

This birthday wish has consumed me, especially these past few days as I made all my last ditch attempts to make my wish come true. That included walking 11 miles yesterday, and ending my day in a sauna. I didn’t care if the number was back up over 200 after breakfast, or even a tall glass of water. I only wanted to see 199.9 for a second, just to know it was possible.

As you can see, weighing myself has ruined many mornings. This morning, I really wanted to get on the scale, but I stopped myself. Why? Because last time I wanted to step on the scale, I felt awesome! A second later, I wanted to drive my fist through the wall. I anticipated a significant decrease. I attached myself to this thought. The reality (the outcome) was that the number disappointed me.

In that instant, I went from optimistic and excited and feeling lighter on my feet, to feeling helpless, frustrated. angry, and discouraged.

All because of a number on a scale.

Did I mention that before getting on the scale I felt awesome? I know weight fluctuates. I know I’ve been eating better. I know muscle weighs more than fat (and I’ve been working out consistently the past three weeks). But I let the number get to me.

So I promised myself I would only weigh myself the 1st, 15th, and last of the month purely because I am still a data nerd and because weight is still a valuable indicator. In between, if I am dying to measure my progress in some way, I will focus on how I feel. I have a winter coat and pair of pants that don’t fit that I can try on. (Thank goodness it’s been a mild winter here in the mid-atlantic). And yes, measuring yourself is also a good option (again, as long as you don’t attach to the outcome). I did this for years and decided it’s just easier to try on some things that don’t fit.

This very simple concept that attachment and expectation leads to suffering is universal. It applies to everything in our lives.

So I will continue doing what I’m doing: drinking less alcohol, eating cleaner, and exercising regularly and I will try to keep the hopes and expectations at bay and let be what will be.

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7 Years of Minimizing with #Minsgame (& how to get started!)

Another year, another #minsgame. January marked the eighth time I started the year with a minimizing challenge. The rules of The Minimalists #minsgame are simple. For every day of the month, you get rid of that corresponding number of items. Toss ’em, donate ’em, or sell ’em — just get them out of your home. So on the third day of the month, you’d get rid of three things, on the 16th, sixteen things, etc. January’s 31 days total 496 items. This year, 149 items in to the challenge, I forfeited #minsgame.

7 years of minimizing

I’ve become a minimalist over the past seven years. I’ve eliminated possessions that aren’t useful or don’t bring me joy, and cut back on my commitments. I spend my money carefully and prioritize relationships and experiences over “stuff.” I have no desire to accumulate material objects that don’t serve a practical or higher purpose. My dream is to be free from the shackles of debt and the burden of clutter. I love the space it’s created not only in my home, but also in my head.

Minimalism is part of my every day life. When I buy something new it’s often replacing something that needed replacing like running sneakers, jeans or make-up. If time goes by and I haven’t used something, I question if I actually need it. I toss things during seasonal cleaning and when I reorganize closets and drawers.

After all these years, #minsgame is more of a tradition; a fun annual challenge I look forward to.

Forfeiting #Minsgame

I felt odd at first about quitting #minsgame 149 items in. If absolutely necessary, I could have “won” by scouring my apartment, but it would have been difficult, not fun. As I contemplated what else I could do without, I wondered why “winning” was important to me. I remembered the spirit of the game that turned me onto minimalism in the first place. #Minsgame appealed to my competitive nature while making minimizing fun. It provided structure and a goal. “Winning” provided a sense of accomplishment.

I no longer need that structure and goal to inspire me to declutter. I do it all year.

Why I love #Minsgame

I’ll definitely play again, I have no doubt! Right now I live alone and have a lot of time on my hands. Hopefully I’ll cohabitate again and life will get full and with it will come the detritus of a well lived life.

I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t benefit from a month playing #Minsgame. It’s especially perfect for people like my Mom who struggle under the weight of the task at hand and have physical limitations. And once you win, you’ve been minimizing for 30 days so you’ve inadvertently created a minimizing habit! The first time I played, I started again the following month — I was hooked (and had A LOT to minimize).

#Minsgame makes minimizing simple and fun.

When and where to start #Minsgame

You can start today (there is zero need to wait for a new month). Get up right now and toss one item and bask in the satisfaction of your accomplishment. Don’t know where to start? Here are some “quick wins” to motivate you and provide some momentum.

1. The fridge

I know you have some expired food in there.

2. The medicine cabinet

I know you have some expired medicine in there.

3. The junk mail pile

Recycle it!

4. The sock drawer

Toss those socks with holes and stains and missing partners. (Count each sock as one!)

5. The junk drawer

Take the whole drawer out, turn on a good show and empty that sucker out. Toss the bent paperclips, the matchbooks with a single match, the loose birthday candles, the old chopsticks and hot sauce packets, the brittle rubberbands… the junk drawer is a gold mine!

Damn, now I’m a little jealous I don’t have anything left to #mins. I could really go for a good junk drawer right now…

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Look Back Before Looking Forward

I’m careful with my labeling these days. Days, events, people — these things can’t be summarized by one simple adjective like ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ While people were quick to label 2020 as the worst year ever, I felt quite differently as I wrote in my Refusing to Renounce 2020 review. If I had to label 2020 with one word, I’d say it was “exciting.” Exciting in the sense that it was scary and uncertain, yet also exhilarating and happy. After all, I underwent major life changes.

Looking Back on 2021

Like most strong emotions, however, they fade over time. My excitement dwindled as my life settled into a more predictable and steady routine. Space was created — to reflect, to feel, but also to grieve. Like a delayed fuse, the grief I experienced around my home, my marriage, and some friendships was unexpected and powerful.

As I look back before looking forward to the new year, the word “challenging” comes to mind. 2021 brought no shortage of growing pains as I struggled to navigate physical injuries, the finalization of my divorce, a sick and elderly dog, grief, the ongoing pandemic, disordered eating habits and addictive tendencies. There were times I didn’t handle things well, and instead fell back on old, unhealthy coping mechanisms. Things came to a head these last two months due to a back injury, the death of my beloved dog, Cooper, and the fear of a surging Omicron variant.

There were many dark days. I feel as though I regressed this past year, rather than grow.

Coincidentally (or not), the question for December 29 in my daily journal, Questions for Life is: In what ways did you grow this year?

I really had to give it some thought. Then I realized that there was a shift in me this past year: I loved despite my pain. I owned my suffering. I let people in and allowed them to cradle me. The only person I hurt was myself, a big departure from when I hurtled my pain at others like axes intent to inflict injury.

And you know what else? I didn’t always cope poorly. In fact, I think I showed myself love and grace and coped better than I give myself credit for. Maybe it’s because I am loved and supported, but maybe it’s also because I am finally learning to love myself.

Yes, I have grown this year.

Looking Forward to 2022

The new year is bright. With the exception of two outings, I’ve been holed up in my apartment for 9 days now on vacation. I have taken this time to rest, to recharge, to reflect… to recuperate.

I’m ready now for 2022 and the 365 opportunities that come with it. I’m inspired. I know what my priorities are. I’m ready to release 2021 with love and gratitude for all the joy, love, and laughter, as well as the pain, fear, and tears.

I am heading into 2022 with an open heart, a desire to show myself the love I deserve, and create for myself the life I want.

And I’m not heading into 2022 alone. My amazing partner is by my side as I write this, just like he was throughout all of 2021, helping me, supporting me, cradling me… loving me, as I have loved him.

2022 is going to be a good year.

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Organizing Work with ‘Getting Things Done’ and OneNote

After nine months working remotely full time, I found myself drowning in paper. Handwritten notes, lists — so many lists — references, and sticky notes accumulated around me faster than time and mental capacity could process. But with a cluttered desk comes a cluttered mind. The added volume of email, meetings and chat messages weighed me down even more. I had lost the ability to be proactive or think past the most urgent task in front of me. Stressed and anxious, I was afraid I would drop one of the dozens of balls I struggled to keep in the air. I knew I was working harder than I should to achieve less than my workload demanded. Burned out and overwhelmed, I desperately needed a system to help me organize my work. My life raft came in the form of David Allen’s Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-free Productivity, and Microsoft OneNote.

Distributed Cognition

Lucky for me, I write shit down. I know better than to rely on my memory for ideas, reminders, and action items. Because of this, I’ve been building an external mind to capture and store information. This process of getting things out of your head and into objective, reviewable formats is referred to as “distributed cognition.” By capturing thoughts externally, you free up space in your mind for other ideas. Store thoughts in your mind and you’re likely to forget them or limit the flow of other ideas, ultimately limiting your productivity and creativity.

For example, you’ve surely needed to memorize a long number for a few moments. You repeat it in your head over and over, solely focused on this one thing. One distracting thought and boom, gone. Need to go to the grocery store? Try memorizing the five things you need and most likely there won’t be room for the thought that you’re also low on eggs. But go with an external list and your mind has the freedom to wander.

Thanks to my habit of writing everything down, I had already built a sort of external mind. Unfortunately, my external mind was a disorganized shit show of handwritten notes, lists — so many lists — references, and sticky notes. That’s where David Allen’s book, and Microsoft’s OneNote, came in and saved me.

Capturing Open Loops

Getting Things Done is an organization and productivity system. The book delves into painstaking detail at times and probably could have been shorter, but with thirty-five years of experience as a management consultant and executive coach, Allen knows his stuff. I took what I wanted from the book and left what I didn’t.

The first tactic I implemented that immediately paid dividends when it came to my productivity and reducing my stress was capturing my “open loops.”. Allen defines open loops as “anything pulling at your attention that doesn’t belong where it is, the way it is.” Open loops are the thoughts that leap out at you at seemingly random times when you’re least likely to be able to act on them. Everything from planning a vacation, emailing an agenda in advance of tomorrow’s meeting, or picking up milk.

Not capturing these thoughts, to-dos, actions, etc. is like going to bed without an alarm clock. You spring up in the middle of the night afraid you overslept and have little peace of mind. That is precisely what was happening to me, but with work thoughts.

So I set to capture every “open loop” from my mind, scrap of paper or lingering list with Allen’s instruction. The more I captured, the more open loops sprang to mind (a benefit of distributed cognition) and the more confident I felt that tasks wouldn’t fall through the cracks. Already, I felt more in control of what I needed and wanted to do.

I created another document to capture meeting notes after experiencing the benefit of keeping notes electronically. I could keep everything together (in a searchable format) rather than shuffling through notebooks to find that note containing what that guy said in that meeting two (or was it three) weeks ago.

Do you know about OneNote?

I can’t be the only person who didn’t know about Microsoft OneNote. I only “discovered” OneNote late last year and it’s changed my life. In case you’re uninitiated like I was, it’s a digital note taking app where you can create digital notebooks and add sections to the notebooks, then pages to the sections. So long, Word docs! I keep everything in OneNote. I have a work account where I keep a master work notebook and a personal account where I have notebooks on everything from this website to ideas for my Youtube channel, Big Appetite. Small Kitchen., ideas, goals, etc.  It also syncs to all my devices so I can access my notebooks anytime, anywhere as long as I can access my Microsoft account.

One of my notebooksNext Actions

Once I formed the habit of capturing open loops and started using OneNote, the quality of my life improved. I’m serious. Despite being an organized, high-performing person, I was wasting a lot of time struggling to get organized, and causing myself a lot of unnecessary stress.

David Allen goes into great detail regarding what to do with open loops once they’re all captured; specifically, how to determine your next actions. According to Allen, the next action is the most immediate physical, visible activity required to move a task or project toward closure. It cannot depend on any other action. For example, if you have an open loop to talk with your child’s teacher, then the next action is most likely to email them and ask to meet.

This way of thinking about immediate next actions has helped me to move so much forward. Often my tasks and projects (personal and professional) are large and feel overwhelming. I sometimes don’t know where to begin. Getting in the habit of identifying immediate next actions has increased my productivity and decreased that sense of dread, and therefore procrastination (which we all know compounds stress and anxiety).

Staying Organized

At the end of any given day I may still find myself with pages of handwritten notes and dozens of unread emails. Staying organized requires proactivity. I take the time to transcribe notes into OneNote and am vigilant about the cleanliness of my inbox. Otherwsie, I can end up right back where I was — disorganized and stressed.

Now, having captured my open loops and updated my master next actions list, I am able to shut down my computer at the end of the day with peace of mind. No more waking in the middle of the night in a panic. No more starting my day with anxiety because I have no idea where to begin. It is a beautiful thing and one more lesson I learned to help me achieve a simpler, happier, more peaceful life.

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Refusing to Renounce 2020

Poor 2020. You got a really, really bad wrap. I can’t say it isn’t deserved with all you’ve brought us:

Sickness and death
Never-ending politics and divisiveness
Quarantine and isolation
Job and financial insecurity

Those are only a few of the horrible things we endured as a collective throughout 2020.

And yet, I am refusing to renounce 2020.

Looking Toward 2020

Looking back at last year’s annual end of year reflection, I was so excited for 2020. I had seven trips planned, including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I also wrote that as a result of my eating disorder recovery, I felt “lighter… hopeful,” as I looked to the year ahead. After spending the majority of my adult life obsessed with food and weight, my recovery would create mental space for other pursuits in 2020.

I had no idea what those pursuits would be at the time…

Living in 2020

I didn’t get to go on a single one of those trips.

But I was right about gaining some mental space. Not obsessing over food and weight loss gave me clarity around other aspects of my life, particularly how lonely and unhappy I felt in my marriage. I left my husband in May and moved to an apartment. I chose to live alone rather than stay with someone who made me feel alone.

2020 would teach many of us a great deal about loneliness. About how to occupy ourselves. About how to care for ourselves when we have nowhere to go and no one to see. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how to live and work alone.

Given the pandemic and the giant leap I took in leaving my home and husband, I took the rest of the year off from goals and decided to just do my best. Early on my best was crying less than five times a day and brushing my teeth at some point before noon. I binged and purged at times. I started smoking here and there after nearly four years without a single cigarette. I blacked out from alcohol.

Surviving 2020

Over time, my best got better as I learned to cope. All of our bests got better. We are a resilient bunch and we adapt.

As bad as it was at times, I refuse to renounce 2020. That’s because 2020 was also good to me.

Despite the sickness and death, me and my loved ones remained healthy.

Despite the politics and divisiveness, the majority of people voted for a return to decency.

Despite the quarantine and isolation, I experienced friendship, companionship, and love.

Despite job and financial insecurity, I have worked and been able to save money.

Despite the sorrow and uncertainty, I have survived.

Looking Toward 2021

There isn’t a single person who could have predicted what would come in 2020, so how much should we plan for 2021?

I have some ideas of what I’d like to do and accomplish in 2021, including a rescheduled trip to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I’ve written down goals, as I always do. But among all that 2020 has taught us, we’ve also learned that nothing is guaranteed. Plans, and life, can change on a dime.

So I will remain open. I will continue improving on my best as I get better at living this new life of mine in a much changed world.

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Announcing Big Appetite. Small Kitchen.

Early last month I made the difficult announcement that I had separated from my husband and moved out of my home. In that announcement I also shared that my apartment’s small kitchen inspired a new creative project that I would share with you all soon. Well, the time has come. I am excited to share my brand new Youtube channel, ‘Big Appetite. Small Kitchen.’ with you all!

Minimalism has been one of the primary themes of this blog for many years; a topic I know many of you appreciate. After countless #minsgames and experiments with #project333, moving in to a small apartment wasn’t terribly difficult (in terms of stuff, that is.) But as someone who finds so much joy in the kitchen, I struggled with my new small space. My minimalist principles were put to the test as I was forced to examine what I truly needed to sufficiently cook and bake.

Despite little space and room for only the necessities, my passion for cooking returned in no time. I realized it didn’t matter how much counter or cabinet space I had, or how fancy my oven was. All that mattered was how I felt as I prepared delicious food for myself and the people I care about. And let me tell you… I felt happy. 

A Creative Seed

One evening soon into living in my new apartment I gave an enthusiastic (and impromptu) tutorial on how to prepare an authentic caesar salad. It was in that moment that the creative seed for ‘Big Appetite. Small Kitchen.’ was planted.

I’ve shared so much over the years through the written word — sharing via video didn’t feel like that much of a departure. The wheels started turning and my co-creator, Devin and I bounced around ideas. What if we could show people that a small kitchen doesn’t have to be limiting? What if we could demonstrate how to prepare low-cost, yet health-forward food with minimal tools and ingredients that complement the realities of a small kitchen? Maybe we could even help people save money by showing them how to make things most people spend money on, like cold brew, for example.

Lucky for me, Devin was equally excited by the concept… and had most of the necessary equipment… and had dabbled in videography… and editing… and obtained all the other skills required to put together a Youtube show.

We decided to put our money where our mouths were, commit to the project, and see where it goes.

We launched ‘Big Appetite. Small Kitchen.’ (B.A.S.K.) with three videos:

How to make perfect hard-boiled eggs
How to make cold brew coffee
Must have kitchen utensils

Nurturing the Seed

We learned so much in a short time and continue to improve and be excited by the project. Not only has it been a fun creative outlet, it’s turned out to be an aid to my disordered eating recovery. I cried the first time I saw myself on camera, disgusted by the woman staring back at me. There was a part of me that wanted to tell Devin to delete everything — that I was nuts to think I had any business whatsoever being on camera.

But we had worked hard. And I believe there is value in what we created. And I am who I am and this is what I look like at the moment.

I’ve wasted so much time and missed out on so many things choosing to wait until I was comfortable in my skin. I may NEVER feel comfortable in my own skin. But I have a life to live and creative endeavors to pursue. My limiting beliefs are LOUD and MEAN, but I continue to challenge them.

So I agreed to put our first few videos out into the world. And so far… so good.

And now I’m sharing them with you! I can’t wait to hear what you think and would love it if you would share some requests for future videos.

In the meantime, “Thanks for watching. Like and subscribe for more.” 

Follow B.A.S.K. on Instagram

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I Separated from My Husband

A year ago I wouldn’t have believed you if you told me we’d be five months in to a global pandemic and life as we know it would be completely changed. I also wouldn’t have believed you if you told me that during that pandemic I would separate from my husband and move out of my home in to a small apartment.

2020 has been a year for unbelievable things. And once again life has demonstrated that a lot can change in a year.

I moved out of the home I’ve shared with my husband for the past nine years on May 16, eight days before my 38th birthday. I truly believe it was for the best… for both of us. And I take comfort in knowing that we tried to save our marriage. But in the end, it became clear that our marriage was irrevocably broken. I accept responsibility for the pain and damage I caused. I wasn’t always easy to live with. And I wasn’t always kind.

Some things just can’t be fixed. And sometimes people are simply incapable of giving their partner what they need or want. And eventually, you just stop asking. Some people learn to go without.

I am not willing to go without.

When realization punches you in the stomach, it fucking hurts. But whether you act on your newfound clarity or not, you’re in for discomfort no matter what. So you need to decide which discomfort you’re willing to take: the discomfort of fear, denial and your current situation; or the discomfort of taking action and implementing change.

I want more from life. And so I made the most difficult decision of my entire life… the decision to change it.

I attribute the work I’ve done on myself over the past six years for getting me to this point. It’s been a long, hard road. And I will be completely honest with you — some days the road feels insurmountable and I lay down and cry. Nothing about this has been easy. And although some days I feel so overwhelmed and sad that I can’t breathe, I have never once considered going backward. And as I sit here typing, tears streaming down my face, I take comfort in that. I know with absolute certainty I made the right decision.

This is the first time I’ve ever lived on my own. It’s been an adjustment. I am re-learning about myself and who I am and how I like things. I get lonely. I get scared. The pandemic doesn’t help. I don’t see many people. I go days without leaving my apartment at times.

But there are also good days and bright spots in my life for which I am beyond grateful. I am becoming my own friend. And my passion for cooking has returned. In fact, cooking in my small kitchen has inspired a new creative project that I am excited to share with you all soon. In the meantime, I invite you to follow Big Appetite.Small Kitchen on Instagram to see what I’m cooking up.

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Coping with Addictive and Destructive Patterns Triggered by Self-Isolation

Dear Readers, I hope that you are well and safe and taking every precaution while self-isolating to help flatten the curve on Coronavirus. These are unprecedented times and I know that fear, stress and anxiety are rampant. I wanted to write sooner, but I’ve been struggling myself as I’ve attempted to adjust to this new normal.

Things are scary and there is a lot to worry about on top of natural emotions like loneliness, sadness, and boredom. It’s a recipe to trigger any disorder or addiction. I know I’ve been drinking too much, eating too much (which is triggering my disordered behaviors and thoughts around food), sleeping too much, working too much, reading the news too much, watching too much TV… too many unhelpful things too much of the time, of which there is simply too much.

I’ve allowed it with minimal self-judgement though because I understand I’m adjusting to a situation I’ve never experienced. I have a lot of helpful coping tools for my anxiety, disorders, and addictive tendencies, but it feels like I’m being given the ultimate test. We’re all being asked to build something we’ve never seen and for which we have no instructions. We’re all blind here, learning as we go.

So I’ve taken the past few weeks to feel my way around my emotions and this new way of life. I’ve allowed myself to give in to my emotions and fall back on old unhelpful coping tools like sleeping, drinking, and eating.

It’s funny in a weird sort of way; how many times I’d wish to be able to stay at home. How much I’d accomplish! I guess that’s why they say to be careful what you wish for. Granted, I didn’t wish for it to be under these circumstances. But here I am with an overabundance of hours in the day struggling to find the motivation to do much of anything, other than what I absolutely have to. Shit, I’m not even showering every day.

I’m impressed by those who are doing well under these circumstances. I’m not. I am weighed down by fear and loneliness, two exhausting waves of emotion lapping against the shores of my depression threatening to pull me in.

That being said, if I’ve learned anything over the past six years of this wellness journey it’s how to recognize when I need to course correct. The time is now.

Correcting Course

As I struggled with emotions that are triggering my disorders and addictions, I thought I’d reach out to someone whom I know continues to thrive. Jennie Claire has overcome more than most people, including a stroke last year that left her half-paralyzed. She’s since recovered and opened Rooted Yoga and Wellness, a yoga studio centered around holistic wellness and giving back to the community.

I asked Jennie, as someone only six months sober, to share with me how she’s managing and to offer some advice to people who are struggling with their own addictions or disorders. She answered, using alcohol as an example, but we can substitute any behavior or substance: food/disordered eating, sex, drugs, gambling, shopping/hoarding… anything that is part of our addictive pattern.

Jennie, Owner of Rooted Yoga & Wellness

“A global shut down provides us two opportunities: to get good old fashioned drunk, or to stay, or perhaps even become sober. Addiction is often a disease of loneliness, a disease of dysfunction, a disease of feeling inadequate. When we drink, the question we should be asking ourselves is why? What caused us to approach this toxin as a form of self medicating? What are we running from? What are we hiding? What are we afraid of?”

Distraction and avoidance. We turn to substances or behaviors to numb and distract ourselves from what we don’t want to/can’t face: fear, discomfort. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

Although Jennie is six months sober, she has been in and out recovery for 21 years, replacing one addiction with another.

“But today I am free,” she said. “Free from the fears, the burdens, the shackles that brought me into the patterns. Today I understand how to be alone, and that being alone doesn’t cause loneliness. Today I understand how to explore the emotions I am feeling instead of running and medicating.”

“This global pandemic to me is an opportunity to dive into yourself, your self worth, your fears, your frustrations, your why. And, chances are if you’re wondering if you should stop a behavior, you should. So today is a perfect day to take the first step. To breath in a new life free of chains, and full of hope.”

Today I took the first step. It’s a new month and self-isolation is mandated for at least 30 more days. Whether we like it or not, this way of life is our new normal. I have two opportunities, like Jennie said. I can continue to sink into old destructive patterns and behaviors or I can go inward, face my emotions, sit with them rather than numb them, and work toward doing more of that which brings me peace.

Today I went for an early morning bike ride and practiced yoga. I showered. I started reading a new book and wrote. I ate three healthy meals. I created a habit tracker for healthy habits I’d like to re-cultivate. I made a list of projects I can tackle throughout the month.

I know some days will be harder than others and on those days the best thing for me may be to stay in my pajamas, nap, and watch television. And on those days, I will do that. But I’d like for it to be by conscious choice, not because I am subconsciously hiding from my emotions.

We humans are incredibly resilient. But as we acclimate to our new environments, I urge you to be gentle with yourself and focus on your mental well-being. Many of us struggle with motivation on even the best of days. I’m not looking to make progress on my novel or come out of this a size smaller. I’m just trying not to come out of this worse than I went in. And I think if I can manage that, then I know I will at the very least come out stronger.

And so will you.

Rooted Yoga and Wellness is offering donation-based classes online! Classes include meditation, Yoga for Recovery (which complements the 12 step program), restorative yoga, yoga nidra and “Angst Away Asana.” Click here to view the class schedule.

How are you coping with the emotions triggered by this new way of life? I’d really like to hear from you.

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Beginning A Decade Without Dieting

As the clock ticked down on not only another year, but an entire decade, I wondered when and if inspiration to write would strike. Thankfully, my desire and tradition to chronicle yet another new year with a post both reflective and anticipatory brought me home to this blog and myself.

Where have I been all year?

Truth be told, I have been working a challenging job and sinking deeply in to an eating disorder. Yes, when the 365 pages of my 2019 flip book flash by, that is the majority of what I see. After an unexpected promotion thrust me in to a leadership position, it seemed that overnight I became a “career” woman; a “professional” whose job required the majority of my brain capacity and decision-making abilities. What little I had left went to a continued and deepening obsession around food and negative self-image. A destructive pattern of restricting and overeating emerged worse than ever before and quickly escalated out of control.

Professionally, I flourished. But mentally and emotionally, I withered under the increasing weight of fear and anxiety around food and my appearance. Professionally, I exuded confidence. But behind closed doors, a single surprise lunch could induce crippling panic and self-doubt. Ashamed of my body, I occasionally cancelled plans with friends or people who made me feel exceptionally self-conscious. I couldn’t understand why I was so respected at work because in my mind, I deserved no respect. How could I when I couldn’t manage to lose weight or resist my food cravings?

These words are devastating to write.

Eating Disorder Diagnosis

Managing my weight has been my number one priority as far back as I can remember. I had been addressing my weight, food and self-image issues for many years with my psychotherapist with some success. But finally, in November, she leaned forward and said, “I think it is time you sought more intense, specialized treatment for your disordered eating.”

Her words were a revelation. This was bigger than a desire to lose weight – more serious than yo-yo dieting – more dangerous than critical thoughts toward my body.

I desperately needed help.

I went to one of the leading institutes for eating disorder treatment for a long and emotionally painful assessment. In the end, they confirmed my “severe” eating disorder (ED) and recommended a minimum of six weeks in-patient residential treatment. Afterward, I drove home exhausted. My only thoughts revolved around what I would eat to comfort myself after such an ordeal.

I spoke with my husband and we both agreed in-patient treatment was completely unrealistic for multiple reasons. We’d explore outpatient and/or another counselor specialized in eating disorders. In the meantime, I turned to books in an attempt to understand how things had gotten so out of control and what I could do to help myself. I created a secret Instagram account and joined an ED recovery network and began documenting my recovery journey.

Eating Disorder Recovery

My wise Buddhist friend Paul once said to me regarding my weight loss efforts: “You’re banging against a door that opens toward you.” I finally understand that now. Over a decade of dieting has brought me nothing but weight gain and profound sorrow, frustration, and disappointment. I’ve lost cumulative years of my life to these efforts. I’ve missed out on so much. I’ve treated myself so harshly. I’ve sacrificed so much by tabling things for “after I lose weight.”

I’m done.

I am so done.

Through reading I have gained an understanding of how my ED emerged, which I may go in to in more detail in a future post. Essentially, I had systematically created it through years of repeated and prolonged restriction.

Being diagnosed with an eating disorder made me face the truth and shifted my perspective. It was the intervention I so desperately needed. I am incredibly grateful to not be starting a new year and decade unaware of this reality.

What Else I See in 2019

Although work and disordered eating are the majority of what I see as I look back on 2019, it’s not all I see. I also see my first trip to California where I saw (and swam in) the Pacific Ocean for the first time. I see the elephants at the San Diego Zoo. I see a weekend away at a women’s retreat in New York immersed in sisterhood. I see the bounty of my garden that provided me with great joy this past summer. I see a beautiful baby, my “niece” who was born to great friends in October. I see my husband’s professional successes, of which there were several. I see Cooper, my thirteen year old mutt who is blessedly still with us.

Looking Toward 2020

As I look forward to 2020, I feel lighter… hopeful. I am starting a new year differently than I have started any other in my adult memory – not on a diet. In fact, I forgot to weigh myself this morning. I also had a bagel sandwich for breakfast, something I would have never dared start my year with.

I still have a monkey on my back. I still want to lose weight. I have a lot of work to do to repair my relationship with my body. But I’ve stopped banging against a door that opens toward me.

I’m excited to see what my life will look like now that I have more mental space for other pursuits. I’m going to keep kicking ass at work, that’s for sure. I also have a lot of travel coming up (7 trips, in fact), including my first trip to Europe and my first visit to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I’m excited to see what else is in store for me.

Thank you for reading. Happy New Year.

P.S. Weight loss has been one of the “themes” of this blog. I apologize for my participation in perpetuating diet culture. I’m not sure yet what I will do with all those posts I’ve written. But please know that going forward my weight loss journey will be focused on recovery and I will no longer be contributing to diet culture. 

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How to Deal With Toxic People: More Important Things to Remember

Back in 2016, incredibly tired and frustrated from not knowing how to deal with toxic people, I wrote a post titled “11 Quotes to Remember When Faced with Toxic People.” Gathering those quotes was a desperate attempt to help myself stop taking things someone said and did so personally. The quotes helped me to remember that I was not the problem. They helped me to remember that I should have compassion for this person who was so obviously in tremendous emotional pain. Most of all, they helped me stop giving this person so much mental and emotional energy…

…sometimes. A little… maybe.

No quote in the world could help when this toxic person was in my face hurling insults while simultaneously making demands. During times like those the only words going through my mind were of the four letter variety.

I know many of you can relate, unfortunately. My post with all those lovely quotes recently recirculated around Pinterest and has since been shared over 38,000 times. Many of you subscribed to hear more from me. To you I say welcome and thank you!

Considering so many of you are clearly dealing with toxic people of your own (and looking for positive coping tools), I wondered if perhaps there was anything I could add that might help.

Let me first clarify that it should go without saying that the kind of toxic people I’m talking about here are the ones you’re sort of stuck with. If an acquaintance or boyfriend or friend or distant cousin is toxic then kick ’em to the curb. There’s zero reason to put up with that shit. The people I’m talking about are the ones our lives are entwined with — close family members, in-laws, etc. — the ones that never seeing again would require greater pain to a larger familial unit.

So anyway, it turns out I do have something to add on the subject of how to deal with toxic people. You see, my relationship with one of the toxic people in my life changed dramatically. Death does that.

Yes, she passed away.

We were on good terms when she died, thankfully. I had learned to better cope with her over the past couple years. If I have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t learn sooner how to set healthy boundaries and not give her so much space in my mind.

I don’t need to go gather quotes from other people this time to share advice on how to deal with toxic people. I know from my own personal experience.

How to Deal with Toxic People: 7 More Important Things to Remember
1. Remember the source

The people walking around battling with everyone closest to them are fighting a much bigger battle with themselves. Trust me, this is something I know A LOT about. People who aren’t happy with themselves can never be happy with you. And if you are happy, you better believe they will resent you even more for it. We are all mirrors for one another. We see in others what we hate in ourselves and we will do anything to make it about the other person. That’s projection, and it’s what we do to protect ourselves.

So remember, the source of someone’s anger is often themselves.

2. Work towards setting healthy boundaries

This, my friends, may take a while. If you slap down concrete boundaries you better believe the toxic people in your life are going to raise all hell and fire every weapon they have in their arsenal to break them down. I learned this the hard way. Please don’t make my mistake.

For example, you probably shouldn’t say, “You call too much. For now on I will call you once a week. Don’t call me.” I think it’s safe to say that’s not going to go over very well. (I never even tried something that brazen.)

The trick here, from my personal experience, is to slowly lay down boundaries. Start innocuously. For you that may be not answering the phone and not returning the call until tomorrow (gasp!). I cannot stress to you enough that this is PERFECTLY NORMAL BEHAVIOR. You do not need to sit and imagine every single nasty thing the caller is saying about you. You don’t need to wrestle with calling or not calling back and work yourself into such a state that you have a full blown anxiety attack. I’m going to tell you what I wish someone had told me: you can let it go to voicemail and not give it another second’s thought!

I spent the past several years laying down boundaries that I adjusted and reinforced gradually over time. For the most part, it worked. Life became more peaceful and the relationship less stressful. Sometimes I gave in to a false sense of security and lifted a boundary only to learn the hard way and need to lay it back down. Sometimes I just ignored the boundaries and allowed things because it felt like the right thing to do.

In my opinion, boundaries cannot be set in stone. Consistency is key, especially in the beginning when your boundaries are most likely to be challenged. But use your judgement and trust yourself and make adjustments, as necessary.

3. Send loving kindness

This is a tough, but incredibly powerful gift to give not only toxic people, but to everyone, including yourself. Loving kindness is (in summary) unconditional, inclusive love — it does not depend on whether one “deserves” it or not and it is not restricted to friends and family. Most importantly, there are no expectations of anything in return.

There are several variations of loving kindness or “metta” meditation (Google it for variations). Following is the version I use. You can insert any person’s name, “I,” “my friends,” “my family,” “all living beings,” etc.

May ______ be well, happy and peaceful.

May no harm come to them.

May no difficulties come to them.

May no problems come to them.

May they always meet with success.

May they also have patience, courage, understanding, and determination to meet and overcome inevitable difficulties, problems, and failures in life.

It is a beautiful and compassionate practice.

4. Have compassion

I can honestly tell you that sitting here today I understand why the person who caused so much anguish was the way she was. I also understand why her love was so conditional. I understand a great deal of why she felt the way she did, thought the way she did, and behaved the way she did. And this is why I carry no anger or resentment.

Not everyone will have the opportunity to go behind the curtain and discover the backstory. But let me tell you, we ALL have an origins story. People who cause pain are in pain. And if you can remember that, then there is room for compassion.

5. Don’t place blame on innocent people

If the person driving you nuts is your brother’s wife, don’t blame your brother for bringing her into your lives. I know you want to direct your anger somewhere. You want to tell him what to do to keep that bitch in line. You want him to defend you against her. But please, try not to place blame. Again, I speak from experience as the blame-placer.

I’m willing to bet your brother already feels awful about the whole situation. Don’t add to that by making him feel guilty and putting him between a rock and a hard place. It’s a shitty situation for everyone.

You’re much better off doing these other things instead (and supporting your brother who probably really needs you right now.)

6. Remember that you are NOT powerless

It is extremely important that I tell you that there are times when there is more power in doing nothing than something.

I can still feel the physical sensation of the frustration and rage I experienced when I felt silenced and powerless to defend myself against toxic people. I wanted to scream and argue, anything to get my point across! And I see now that was what frustrated me most — that I couldn’t get my point across. I was dealing with someone who said whatever she wanted then hung up or threw you out of her house before you could get one word in. (And in case you’re thinking it, of course I tried emails!)

But let me ask you. Have any of you ever successfully gotten your point across to this kind of toxic person?

Of course not! Because if they listened they wouldn’t be a toxic person! And this is what I wish I had learned a long time ago. I wasn’t powerless in those situations. I confused not being able to speak with being powerless. I wouldn’t have been heard either way.

And eventually I learned to be quiet because being quiet was disarming. And in disarming I found that I was more powerful and avoided unnecessary anguish.

7. Forgive

Even if you remember all of these things, you will sometimes find yourself feeling hurt and angry at the hands (and tongues) of toxic people. You may also find yourself feeling angry with yourself for not handling things better. And at times like that, I hope you will remember to practice forgiveness.

Rather than try to articulate my thoughts on this subject, I will leave you with this Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness.

If I have harmed any one in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through my own confusions, I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly through their own confusions, I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself, judge, or be unkind to myself through my own confusions, I forgive myself.

Thank you for reading.

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