E.I. Wong's Blog, page 3

Fugue for Trumpets

Prior to the train robbery itself

a portion of horses must think

on some level

that they will get on the train

with their bandit masters

 

& on that same level

must walk home alone

feeling

through no fault of their own

like total losers.

Tagged: animals, author, comedy, creative writing, funny, humor, jokes, poem, poetry, thoughts, words, write, writing

overcome

A completely blind chameleon

can still change its skin

to match its environment.

 

Similarly, deaf bats

will still fly around

like they have no idea where they’re going.

Tagged: animals, author, comedy, creative writing, humor, jokes, poem, poetry, words, writer, writing

the metrics of bacon

In the United States

it’s harder to bring home bacon today

than in the worst year of The Great Depression.

 

 

The US instituted the minimum wage in 1933

at twenty-five cents an hour,

or about $4.25 in today’s money.

 

 

Even though two dollars a day might not seem like much,

bacon was only eleven cents a pound at the time.

 

 

Working for one hour at the minimum wage in 1933

would have yielded approximately two and a half pounds of bacon

for you, your spouse and two and a half children.

 

 

You used to have three kids,

but times were really tough.

 

Today,

the United States minimum wage is $7.25

with the price of bacon over $5.00 per pound.

That means you, your spouse and 1.75 children

can only afford a pound and a bit

for that same hour’s labor.

To clarify, in this scenario

there are still three children,

but everyone is missing parts equally

because you’re a good parent.

They’re all living happily on government disability programs

with the missus always on the lookout

for cute little mom & pop shops, or small businesses

without wheelchair ramps

to sue

because again,

we are Americans in this scenario.

 

Even if socialist Bernie Sanders got his proposed $15 dollars an hour

which would bring the bacon ratio back to Depression era levels,

any difference would be squelched by higher taxes

so you can have free health care

where the doctor

practicing preventative medicine

advises that to avoid heart disease

you should cut back on bacon.

Touche, Dr. President Sanders.

Tagged: #feelthebern, author, bacon, Bernie Sanders, comedy, creative writing, humor, jokes, metrics, Nevada, poem, poetry, writer, writing

plenty of crude oil in the sea

When one spouse dies

there’s a brief window of opportunity

for an interested suitor

who wants to make their move

 

which comes in the twenty-four hours after the body is in the ground

but before any maggots hatch and mess up the best bits.

Tagged: author, comedy, creative writing, death, funny, humor, jokes, love, marriage, poem, poetry, relationships, words, writer, writing

A glimpse into the universe where I am an educator

There is a theory

that the word “testify,” or “testimony,”

comes from the ancient Roman practice

of swearing oaths on one’s testicles,

explaining why in today’s courtrooms

the judge has a hammer.

Similarly, the saying,

“lightning never strikes the same place twice”

is of Greek origin;

reportedly, what Zeus told one-night stands

in the morning.

Now,

some of your parents have voiced concern

that I should be teaching material

more relatable to you kindergartners,

but that doesn’t mean we can’t challenge ourselves

or enjoy good literature,

so bearing that in mind, let’s all gather around

turn down the lights

and read more passages from Lolita.

**

To those of you who had no idea what Lolita was going into this,

and had to look it up, I’m so very sorry.

To those of you who are familiar with Nabokov,

please ensure I never become an English teacher

and tell your friends about Poet Robot.

-e.

Tagged: author, comedy, creative writing, funny, humor, jokes, literature, poem, poetry, words, writer, writing

Him, Robot

A lovely review by Jacqueline at thecrone.co.uk. There’s also another giveaway active! If you emailed me about adding a country, those changes have been made. I also have more review copies available for anyone who is interested. To get one, email me at poetrobot@gmail.com

Thanks and love you all. – e

 

Goodreads Book Giveaway


Poet Robot
by E.I. Wong

Giveaway ends February 12, 2016.

See the giveaway details

at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

https://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/widget/172613

the crone

I follow the thought-provoking blog A Narcissist Writes Letters, To Himself so it was wonderfully exciting last week to find a yellow padded package (with an exotic San Francisco return address) stuffed into my humble post box here in the UK.

The Narcissist (E.I. Wong Himself) had kindly sent me a copy of his book*.

I sat down at my quintessentially English breakfast table, poured myself a cup of quintessential PG Tips tea (pyramid teabags, natch) and began to peruse the pages torn from the tortured Poet’s mind.

All of human life, rich in experience, is here.

From the evident joy of harpooning a pelican, to depression echoing the symptoms of a giant tapeworm, this small book covers a multitude of subjects to make us all pause for thought, and wonder.

How often have you considered the implications of a birthday surprise from friends that features deadly blow-darts?

Or that by simply walking into a web you can turn an excited spider’s…

View original post 217 more words

unity

Humanity is always at its best

when two cultures

set aside their differences,

combine their unique individual assets,

& work towards a common goal,

like attacking a third culture

for being different.

Tagged: humor, comedy, jokes, creative writing, poetry, poem, writer, author, writing, funny, humanity, culture

Poet Robot

Goodreads Book Giveaway


Poet Robot
by E.I. Wong

Giveaway ends January 27, 2016.

See the giveaway details

at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Hello!

Deepest apologies for nothing new this week,

but I have been busy.

I have a book coming out!

It is called Poet Robot.

I am giving away some copies

RIGHT NOW

on Goodreads and LibraryThing,

and I would love to give you one.

Poet Robot is a collection of posts from this blog

as well as a few short stories, and pieces from Tin Lion.

(if your country is not listed, please send me an email at poetrobot@gmail.com and I will add your country to the goodreads giveaways in the future. I’ll be doing a lot of them.)

If you have are one of the lovely individuals with a book review blog (and I mean that in the most pandering of ways), then I would be more than happy to exchange a review for a copy. Also, if you just want one and are poor, I will probably give you one anyway. Just send me an email (poetrobot@gmail.com) with your name, address and a link to your blog.

Thanks so much for readership and support.

I look forward to sharing this with you all.

-e

Tagged: author, book, book review, book reviewer, book reviews, books, comedy, creative writing, free, giveaway, goodreads, humor, jokes, library, librarything, poet, poetry, robot, writer

period piece

I wrote a screenplay about a lady werewolf

who travels to the moons of Jupiter

which has sixty-seven moons

so she bleeds to death.*

 

 

 

*After multiple rejections and revisions, this piece was written on the basis that my girlfriend thinks joking about menstruation is never funny.  I have been asked not to say “I told you so.”

Tagged: author, comedy, creative writing, funny, humor, jokes, poem, poetry, relationships, space, words, writer, writing

whales

My older brother Ryan thinks whales breaching

is the most serene, beautiful sight on Earth.

 

Personally, I think

they’re trying to invade the sky

and are just sort of stupid,

 

but in a way, isn’t that beautiful too?

 

 

 

 

*

**

***

 

Happy New Year! I wanted to thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my work. It has been a great personal pleasure to bring my weirdo thoughts to you. Your continued support is very much appreciated and you all have my undying gratitude.  I look forward to all the giggles and cringes to come. Truly, I love you all. -e

Tagged: animals, author, beauty, creative writing, funny, humor, philosophy, poem, poet, poetry, words, writer, writing