Bill Konigsberg's Blog, page 3

Honestly…

My friend David Levithan, the amazing author of books like Every Day, Boy Meets Boy, and Two Boys Kissing, was introducing me at a talk late last year when he said literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

Speaking as an editor at Scholastic, my publishing house, he said that I make it easy on them there because with authors they need to find index words, buzz words that describe what we write about. Mine, he said, are always in my titles.

Out of the Pocket

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Openly Straight

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The Porcupine of Truth

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Honestly Ben

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Out. Openly. Truth. Honestly. This, he said, is the essence of what I write about.

I like things like that, because they’re simple and understandable and they teach me something about myself that I didn’t know. And I felt it was a great compliment because I do believe that being out, open, truthful and honest–authentic, in other words–is my life’s work.

And if I’m writing books with that focus for kids without consciously realizing it, so much the better!

(Although it should be said that my next book’s title, The Music of What Happens, kinda breaks that streak. Happens? Music? The? I dunno.)

With this in mind, I’d like to share with you all what I have found to be the biggest impediments in my life to being honest. Some of these may be obvious, but sometimes I think it’s important to look at the obvious. Sometimes I overlook it. Maybe you do, too?

People Pleasing. I’m a people pleaser from way back. That made it really hard, when I was a teenager, to come out as gay. I knew it wouldn’t please my parents particularly. But what it felt like to not be who I was, to not be open about a big part of me, overruled my need to people please. I felt like if I “stayed the course” and didn’t speak up, I would cease to be me. Does that make sense? That was a hard one. It wasn’t easy to come out, and it has remained, in my life, one of the hardest things to do, though it’s a lot easier today to come out than it was the first time. Not everyone is going to like me if I’m gay. Some people will actively dislike me for that reason. One of the wisest statements I’ve ever heard is, “When you stop pleasing people, people won’t be pleased.” How true on multiple levels. People will not be pleased, I will cease to be a people pleaser, and, as I hear it, who the heck cares? So what if people aren’t pleased? It’s been really helpful to remember this as I’ve gotten older. I need to please myself before I please others.
My reputation. If and when I own a view that isn’t in the majority, or isn’t “correct” in the political sense, I worry about my reputation. What will people think of me? Will they think I’m a bad person? Ugh. I hate it when people think I’m bad, or wrong. What I’ve found in my life, though, is that if I like me, if I stand behind me, it matters less if others do. Here’s an example: I am a kind person. I know this to be true. Sometimes I unwittingly hurt people, but I am, at my heart, kind. Knowing this makes it easier to stand my ground with a potentially unpopular view. Some might find it unkind, but I know the truth, and I can withstand the potential negative views of others.
Being cool. Oh yeah. This has been a big one. It’s hard to be cool while caring about things or having feelings. Feelings and giving a shit are entirely uncool. And you know what? I have lots of feelings, and I often give a shit. To own that, to be authentic, I need to drop the I’m cool business. Truth is I’m not cool. At all. When I embrace just how uncool I am, just how much I have stuff going on under the surface, I am being authentically me. And I’m growing more comfortable with that as I get older. It’s hard to drop being cool at 16. At 46? Much easier.

As I think of more, they all seem to relate to these big three. Fear people won’t like me? People pleasing. Fear of losing friends? My reputation. Fear of being mocked? That’s about wanting to be cool.

As I said: not deep. But important. How important is it to you to be honest and authentic? What are you willing to give up to be that way?

Becoming a Man

What does it mean to be a man?

What is a man?

Think about it for a bit. What’s your definition? When you think of a person who embodies a man to you, who is it? And why? What qualities do they have that make you think they are manly?

My thinking about this remains incomplete, but I will tell you that I’ve thought tons more about it in the last six months than I had in probably the previous 46 years. I think my idea of a man was both caricatured by what Hollywood told us, and self-denigrating. That definition, I believe, really left me out of the picture. And I wouldn’t have told anyone that, had it crossed my mind.

That definition involved bravery and courage, and it still does. But it also included unemotional. Stiff upper lip. Nothing bothers this so-called man. They take care of themselves, and they don’t struggle.

The thing they most aren’t, of course, is vulnerable.

How unlike me could this definition be? I’ve struggled lots in my life. I am extremely emotional. Things bug me all the time, self-care hasn’t always come easy, and yeah, I’m totally vulnerable. Being gay has only exacerbated for me a lot of these feelings.

Of course, that’s actually true for ALL men. All people, actually. As a character in my upcoming novel says, “If you’re acting like you’re not vulnerable, that’s all you’re doing. Acting.”

How Hollywood. We never got to see backstage with John Wayne, and I think that may be among the most damaging things about our current society. That we (some of us, anyway) still believe in John Wayne.

One of the things that has me thinking about what it means to be a man is The Mankind Project, a group I joined in May.

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It has fundamentally changed me. I know when I say that people get uneasy, like I’ve joined a cult or something. Far from it. This group has no interest in controlling my mind, or telling me what to think. What The Mankind Project is helping me with is figuring out who I am, and what I think a man is, and how I fit that definition.

This is important stuff!

I went on what is called the New Warrior Weekend in May. It was a revelation to me. Scary and challenging and beautiful and fun. I laughed, I cried, I came to understand myself better. I have since continued in Mankind by attending what is known as an i-Group, which is a weekly group where men do work. That work is basically becoming awake about who we are, what’s going on with us, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. No answers are foisted upon us. This is all about authenticity, and that’s individual work no one can do for us.

Now I’ve become the community coordinator for the Central Arizona area for this group. I am typically slow to take on roles like this, but the mission statement of this group matches my own:

“We are building and supporting the emotionally mature, accountable, and compassionate male role models that our communities so desperately need.”

That’s who I want to be. The kind of man. One who is in touch with what he’s feeling and doesn’t bluster through, blind to his own emotions. One who is accountable to his community and contributes to its growth. One who has compassion for all, and also compassion for himself.

If you want this in your life and you don’t have it, I can help you find it. There is another New Warrior Weekend coming up in Prescott, Arizona from October 6-8. I will be staffing the weekend. This isn’t for everyone, but it surely was for me a huge, life-altering shift. If you think it might be one for you, too, email me at bkonigsberg@gmail.com and I’ll happily chat with you about my experience, answer your questions, and help get you signed up.

For the (LGBTQ) Kids

A shout out to my young fans… I’ve been thinking about you this morning!

Thinking about the incredible strength and courage I see on a daily basis, in the emails you send me. You’re choosing to be authentically you in a world that still considers being LGBTQ a “left-handed path.” I’m so proud of you for standing up and telling people who you are.

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As Toby explains so nicely in Honestly Ben, the world is way more comfortable when we stay on certain expected paths. When we veer from expectation, there are people who get very uncomfortable.

But here’s the thing: that’s not about you. That’s about them. They are projecting their own stuff onto you. There will always be people out there who hate the parts of them that are unusual or different. And those people will always be the first to hate on you for the ways you stand out.

One of the best lessons I’ve ever learned is this: the things that make us different? That’s our gold. Cherish your gold. It’s yours. Love it like it’s the most valuable possession you’ve got!

I’m working on another book for y’all right now. I promise to work hard so that it’s the best it can be. Because I want it to mean a lot to you.

That’s all for now!

 

The Mankind Project

I’ve recently joined a group called The Mankind Project.

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What I first heard about this group, the thing that intrigued me was the idea that in our society, there are no rites of passage for men, outside of gangs and fraternities. This organization offers such a rite of passage.

The basic purpose of this organization is to empower men to missions of service, supporting men to make a difference in the lives of others – men, women, and children around the world. There is a sister group called The Woman Within. I strongly suggest checking out both organizations. Both are fully inclusive of members regardless of color, ethnicity, sexual orientation, age, ability and religion. All are welcome, so long as they are willing to look at themselves clearly and work on themselves. In my experience so far, it is a group of warm, powerful men who are committed to being the best they can be, committed to understanding who they are, committed to owning their own stuff, and dealing with it in a healthy manner.

It is changing me. A lot. Since joining in April, I have found myself feeling more responsible, motivated, open, and connected. Also happy. Also strong. You get the general idea? I’m a big fan so far, and I love what I see here in terms of opportunities for personal growth as I keep going with it.

I attended a weekend called the “New Warrior Training Adventure” in May out in Prescott, Arizona. It was … intense. And wonderful. And scary. I was told going into it that it would feel a bit like a boot camp, and that if I wanted to get the most out of it, I should commit to it, do what was asked of me, and challenge myself physically and emotionally.

I did so.

We are asked not to reveal anything about the weekend, because revealing it may spoil the experience for others. I won’t do that, though it’s hard not to! I want to talk about it. I want everyone to have this experience, too! What I will say is that I cried, I screamed, I pushed my boundaries, I laughed harder than I’ve laughed in a long time, and there was even a moment when I found myself feeling like I had stepped into my own masculinity in a way I never had before. I understood that word, and I understood myself, in new ways. When I came home, Chuck said, “Is your voice deeper?”

I came away from the weekend with an animal name–Waking Bear–and a mission statement–I create a world of integrity by writing and living authentically. Mission statements can change over time, and I am thinking that I need to add something about unifying those around me, because that is, I believe, part of my mission. I am tired of the world pulling us apart. I want to do what I can bring folks together.

I go to a weekly meeting, called an i-Group. There is something extremely powerful about sitting in a room with a group of men from very diverse backgrounds, with varied understandings of the world, where I can feel fully accepted and loved for who I am. All of me is welcome there. It is helping me understand the connections we share–LGBTQ or straight, conservative or liberal, regardless of age, ethnicity, ability, or national origin. We are all people. It is easy to vilify those we disagree with, those who are different. Harder, but much more valuable, is to come to see each person as exactly who they are–flawed, beautiful, filled with the same feelings I have. It is so powerful to watch each of these men be authentic and vulnerable.

 

The Blog Post That Will Get Me Shunned

[image error]I haven’t been posting to this blog recently. That’s not to say I haven’t been writing. I just haven’t been … publishing. Lotsa drafts abandoned, unpublished.

The reason: I have been feeling as though the LGBTQ movement is passing me by. That what I perceive as a move to the left by those who are most vocal and adamant has left me feeling strangely without a voice. Or, more precisely, afraid if I voice what is true for me, I will get in trouble.

Let me say up front that my mission in life is to help young people learn to love themselves. Especially LGBTQ young people. That’s what matters to me. That’s what has me writing books aimed specifically at that population.

Let me say secondarily that I am willing to admit that maybe I no longer have the right voice for this task. That maybe I need to think about writing something different, because it may be that the tenets of the LGBTQ movement have fundamentally changed. Or maybe I’ve changed. I don’t know.

I’ve always been all about authenticity. And I’m a writer. As such, I’ve decided to write what is true for me, and let the pieces fall where they may.

Here are some things I believe that are politically incorrect:

I believe Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos should have been allowed to speak at Berkeley. Suffice it to say I am not a fan of either. I disagree with them politically, morally, in just about every way possible. But unless they are LITERALLY yelling fire in a crowded movie theater–not metaphorically, but literally–I believe that our constitution allows them the right to speak their minds. Even if their ideas are despicable. It’s not that I don’t get the concern that their words fan the flames of hatred. I feel that they do, most certainly. But if they were invited to speak, I do not believe they should be silenced for voicing ideas that I don’t agree with. I believe picketing is the way to address this issue. Stand up for what you believe in, and speak out about it. But for me, shouting down speakers who voice alternative opinions is not right. Neither is violence.

I believe that people who are anti-LGBTQ have the right to speak. I saw an article today that was about the St. Louis Cardinals bringing in Lance Berkman to speak on Christian Day.  People are outraged, because he said some inflammatory things about the transgender bathroom issue.

Again: I do not really understand the outrage. I disagree with Berkman on the transgender bathroom issue. In fact, I think he does not fully understand the issue about which he speaks. But the Cardinals have a Christian Day. This is a day for Christians. Why does the speaker’s opinion on this issue matter? Must LGBTQ people sign off on his views before he is allowed to speak?

I believe we are incorrectly focusing on silencing hate rather than overcoming it. What has happened to our culture, that we are so afraid of inflammatory words or ideas? Are we becoming so fragile that we cannot handle conflict of this nature? It’s as though we’re afraid we will combust if we are made to hear words that offend us. We will not. Especially if we work on growing more resilient as a people.

I believe we are miseducating young people. Instead of teaching our youth to grow strong and to love ourselves as we are, I fear we are teaching them that any time they are offended, it is unacceptable.

But here’s the thing: the world is offensive. It will always be that way. If you’re waiting for the day that people will all agree on issues of race, sexual orientation, gender, and religion, to name a few, you’ll be waiting forever. Never in the history of our planet have all people agreed–on anything. So those micro aggressions will continue to happen.

I believe we are unbreakable. My vision for our world is one where we all have the strength and self-respect to weather these moments of conflict. That when we are angry, we can learn to deal with that anger. Also, that when we are angry, we can look inside and see our part in that emotion. As RuPaul once said, “Your opinion of me is none of my business.” How true. If I am falling apart every time someone says something that is anti-gay, I need to look at my own house. I need to clean up my side of the street, and that side, to me, is about self-love.

I believe in fighting against injustice. There are real things to be upset about right now. People of color are being systematically oppressed and killed by prejudicial and racist policing policies, and the world is less safe for young Black and Latino people. That’s something we need to act upon. And I understand how words are connected to actions, so I get that it is inflammatory when hate speech is spoken. Flames are fanned, and I hate that. I have felt it most of my life, as a gay man and a Jew.

Our environment seems to be in trouble, and somehow the United States has pulled out of an agreement that was made to help save our earth. This is infuriating to me.

LGBTQ people in Chechnya are being rounded up and in some cases killed. This is something we must battle.

But when it comes to ideas and words, I have to say that I’m concerned about where our current path leads. If only language that is “correct” is acceptable, what do we do with our thoughts that are “incorrect”? Because, in fact, we are all incorrect sometimes. And who gets to decide what is correct?

I believe we must figure out how to co-exist. Let’s learn to listen respectfully to each other. Let’s learn to talk to each other, regardless of disagreement. Let us endeavor to weather the storms of hurt feelings that happen in a pluralistic society.

 

Writing and Passion

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: For a little while there, I think I lost my passion to write and to change the world.

If I had to choose a timeframe, I’d say from about November of last year until quite recently. Hmm. I wonder what happened in November that might have impacted me to lose my passion for changing the world? Hmm.

Of course no external factor is to blame for my actions, in reality. I guess it was part of a process I had to go through, and yes, I got depressed for a while, and then, once out of the depression, I floundered and felt stuck, unable to find the joy and passion I’ve had for the past decade-plus to tell, with love, stories of young people coming to understand who they are. Stories of authenticity. That’s been my jam, and it will continue to be my jam.

At some point in the future, I may talk about the major impetus for re-booting my passion; for now, I just want to get writing. But I wanted to put this out there to say to my fans that I will not let you down. I will keep writing stories and worlds which will allow you to see yourselves and allow you to see the hearts of others. That’s a powerful thing, and it’s a powerful thing for me, too. To have that connection with you, where the things I share from my heart go into yours? What an amazing gift. I never want to take that for granted again.

Ben and Bisexuality

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I get emails. I am mostly getting emails from readers of HONESTLY BEN right now, but this one comes from the UK, from someone who is currently reading OPENLY STRAIGHT still.

Nonetheless, it brings up an interesting issue: bisexual erasure. I’ll let the writer speak for themselves, and after, I’ll make a few remarks.

Hey,

So I’m still reading ‘Openly Straight’ (on page 254), and decided to google about Ben and bisexuality and found this blog post.

(I realise this is pretty late, seeing as the other comments are from 2014, but I hope this is read by somebody and isn’t just me talking to the void–although that’s fun too, sometimes.)

With how far I’ve read so far, I think Ben is a great example of someone who’s discovering/exploring their bisexuality. The book talks, in passing, about heteronormativity which is something bi people go through too but, I suppose, in a slightly different way. There’s a lot of different circumstances, and bi people too get that assumed straight unless out (and then sometimes still assumed straight because what, bisexuality isn’t a thing?! You’re just confused/experimenting or really just gay and not all the way there yet.)

But with Ben I feel like he’s always thought he’s straight because that’s been the only option he’s felt he’s had. Like, he doesn’t feel like he’s gay, because he’s never had that connection with guys before (or maybe he has and just ignored them/written them off as intense bromances) and because the view tends to be “you’re either straight or gay” being bi was never given as an option.

Here we come onto labels! Sure, it’s fine not to label yourself, or feel like you’re just queer, or don’t really care, or are just open to whatever. That’s great, each to their own, if someone feels this is best for them then why argue? Sometimes people do get too caught up with labels…

…but not really so when that label is bisexuality.

Like it’s cool if someone who experiences multiple gender attraction says that they don’t do labels. What I find less cool, and I know it’s something other bi people feel too, is that the no labels, um, label is always given to the character who would otherwise define themselves as bi. (Getting back onto books, fiction and media here.)

Like, if you could name 10 openly bi characters in TV shows, books, other media, where they 1) openly say they’re bi 2) shut down people/show irritation when they’re told it’s just a phase bla bla bla, then please send me the list because I need to get on that.

If you’re having trouble to immediately think of something, I hope that my point is made for when it comes to labels and bi people.

You see, I like the label of being bi. Like Ben, I had a journey too of discovering my sexuality. Not straight. Not gay. But something else. Bi. When I started identifying as bi, and I think labels are useful to help with self identification, a whole new world was opened up to me. I’m not saying it wasn’t there all along whether or not I used the label, but I am saying that the label of being bi helped me belong.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, the whole book explores whether labels are needed or not and what happens to people, sometimes, when they’ve been assigned/taken a label. Should Ben be labelled as something? Do we have the right to label him as anything? Well, seeing as there is a lack of well developed bi characters in YA books I guess it would be nice for a character to come out as bisexual, and saying so, at some point in the story.

It would be nice to be represented, and have our stories shown, and told that we matter in literature too, instead of always being told that labels don’t matter, why are you getting so hung up on it?

Labels matter to those who identify with them. It’s an equally as important way to feel, and it’s a way that’s not really represented for bi characters in anything.

To bring this comment to a close, and it went on longer than I meant it to, Ben is bi to me. I see myself in Ben. I understand that struggle of not feeling one or the other, and then not knowing that there’s an entirely different way that he could be. That being bi isn’t being half straight and half gay but it’s own identity.

It’s amazing how often people seem to forget what the B in LGBT stands for.

Ben is bi, and I’ve got to be honest (lol) I’m going to be disappointed if he doesn’t identify that way at the end of the book. Even though I already know he won’t, because no character ever does even when they experience things that link so closely to what a bi person’s coming out journey could be.

So yeah TL;TR labels are important to bi people because bi erasure is a thing and we hardly ever get a character who goes on a journey that’s similar to our own and then identifies as bi.

Brought to you by your not-so-local bitter bisexual who wants a list of 10 YA books where a character comes out as bi and sticks to that label.

Cheers.

—

Okay. So first of all, I want to acknowledge that this writer brings up a completely legitimate topic, one worthy of conversation.

But before I do, I want to say that even if you’re angry and writing an email, please afford the person you are writing to a name or a title! Generally speaking, I don’t like getting emails that address me as “hey.” Dear Bill, or Dear Mr. Konigsberg would be preferable. But this is a small point at a time like this.

I am with you. There are not enough books about characters who identify as bisexual. Nor movies, nor TV shows. And that sucks. Every person deserves a mirror, and I relate to your anger at not finding a mirror in Ben, at least up to that point in the book.

(Spoiler alert: Ben does not identify as bisexual in Openly Straight. Further spoiler alert: he does not consider himself bisexual in Honestly Ben, either.)

I thought a lot about this when I was writing both books. I am aware of the issue. The reason that I chose to allow Ben to identify as straight, or, later, as straight but gay-for-one person, is that it is authentic to him. This is how he feels about himself. This is what he believes to be true.

You mention in your note that Ben may not have the understanding of what bisexuality is. But actually, his uncle was bi. You may not have gotten to that part yet. But yes, he does understand what that is.

One thing readers sometimes don’t understand about the writing process is that authors don’t necessarily have an agenda. Or, they have an agenda, but that agenda isn’t necessarily the one you want them to have. My agenda in writing these books was to say that labels are a problematic-but-necessary part of our world. Without labels, how do we describe people? And yet, people are so much more than a label. Furthermore, we don’t have to live our lives according to the labels put on us by others. Everyone wants Ben to pick a team. Bisexual certainly might fit. Gay might fit. Straight might fit. Ben, not me, is dealing with a world in which everyone wants to put him in a box, and he’s saying, “Wait. Those boxes don’t feel right to me.”

I get asked a lot if Ben is bi, or gay, or straight. As if I, the author, know the answer, and Ben just doesn’t know as much as I do. That’s actually not how it works. Ben has as much information about how he feels on the inside as I do. I don’t have a better, more correct answer, and if I did, it would go against the nature of the book. This is Ben, to the best of his ability, describing where he fits on the spectrum of sexual orientation. Aside from Rafe, he has never had more than a fleeting feeling about guys. For him, that means he is straight, except for Rafe.

Is he right? Is he wrong? Who is to say? And your email response makes me smile because this is what I want! Conversation. About bisexual erasure. About the meaning and nature of labels. Keep on having it!

I wish that I could fix what’s wrong with the world. And bisexual erasure is a problem. And I could fix it to some degree by having a character who labels themselves as bi. But that’s not this book. Maybe in a future book I will do so, but to me, a book can only be what it is.

Openly Straight e-book for $0.99!

Want to read Openly Straight before Honestly Ben comes out tomorrow? Download it for just $0.99 today only at eBookDaily!

 

HONESTLY BEN: 4 Surprising Things

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Honestly Ben comes out in one week! I can’t wait, mostly because after that date, no one can ever again write me an email or tweet me that they hate me for how I ended Openly Straight. Now they can just go and read Honestly Ben and find out what happens next!

For my fans and for those who are just curious, I have compiled this list of 4 surprising things about Honestly Ben. No spoilers, I promise.

But first: Did you know there’s a bridge book, available for free, e-book only, between OPENLY STRAIGHT and HONESTLY BEN? It’s called OPENLY, HONESTLY, and you should, like, totally download it and read it now for your Rafe/Ben fix. It’s basically just a book that chronicles the Christmas/Chanukah break for both characters.

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And second: Arizona fans: come to the book launch! Next Tuesday, March 28th, at 7pm, at Changing Hands in Tempe!

Now on with our countdown:

While writing OPENLY STRAIGHT, I literally went to Google Maps and chose a town where Ben was from in New Hampshire. Alton. I wanted a small town where he could have grown up on a farm, and Alton fit the bill. So when I went to write HONESTLY BEN, I had to travel to Alton so I could have some idea of what this place was where Ben grew up. It was amazing to do the research about where my character was from after the fact. Like I was discovering things about him that I didn’t actually know. I spent a day on a farm there, and I used that farm as the basis for Ben’s home. I also spent time with a town historian, which was really interesting.
Writing from Ben’s point of view was the hardest challenge I’ve had yet in my fiction career. If you’ve read my books, you know that my characters tend to be, well, emotional. To write a character who doesn’t show his emotions was a real stretch for me, so much so that my editor said, after my first draft, “Bill, is that what you think ‘stoic’ means?”
Two characters do NOT make a re-appearance from the first book. Bryce and Robinson. I wanted Bryce to come back, but he just … he wasn’t supposed to come back to Natick, I guess, because it didn’t work to bring him back. When I had him show up at the end, it felt like a bad movie sequel, where a character returns so everyone can say, “Oh, look, remember him?” So I nixed it. Robinson just wasn’t as much on Ben’s radar, so other characters show up in his place.
Toby has a secret. Yes, in this book, Toby has something on his mind and needs someone to talk to, and Albie isn’t his first choice. He searches out Ben. And can you blame him? Ben’s such a solid guy. I won’t tell you what the secret is, but I will say this: it’s a good setup for a third novel in the series!

Stay tuned for more before Ben hits the stores next Tuesday!

 

Win Free Galley Copy of Honestly Ben!

Can’t wait for HONESTLY BEN’s release on March 28? Can’t wait to find out what happens with Ben and Rafe from OPENLY STRAIGHT?

Two suggestions:

Starting tomorrow, download OPENLY, HONESTLY for free! It’s a short (35 pages) story that bridges OPENLY STRAIGHT and HONESTLY BEN. Click here for more information.
Enter to win a free galley copy of Honestly Ben on Goodreads! Click here and scroll down for information on how to win one of 10 copies!

Good luck!

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