Randye Kaye's Blog

The Preschoolers Were Acting Up, So I Gave Myself a “Time Out.” Here’s Why.

Who Needs the Time Out More?

The transition from preschool classroom to Grandma’s car was going great- until it wasn’t.

You know. Change is hard. Especially if you’re 3 ½ (boy, let’s call him B) or 4 ½ (girl, or G) years old.

As every parent, grandparent, or caregiver knows, things with kids can change at the drop of a hat – or, in this case, an accidental head bump with a younger brother.

Suddenly no one would get into the car seats. No one was happy.

“I don’t want to get in the car seat!”
“I wanna go to your house, not our house!”

“B won’t give me the bigger bunch of grapesI”

“She touched me!!!”

Everyone under 5 was whining.

Everyone over 5 (me) was getting this close to whining – or to yelling.

The preschoolers were safely inside the car, tho nowhere near getting into the car seats. I was already late for rehearsal. I could feel myself about to lose it.

So I gave myself a time-out.

I stood outside the car’s open backseat door, watching the chaos. Then I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and rested my forehead on the car.

Weirdly, that’s what got their attention.

“What are you doing, Grandma?”

“I’m giving myself a timeout. So I don’t start yelling.”

And I started counting to 20.

At about number 14, B was in his car seat. Yay! I buckled him in, and moved around to the other side of the car where G was stubbornly standing,  doling out the snacks.

One down, one more to go.

No luck.

I tried the usually effective technique:

“You have two great choices here. Either you can get into the car seat yourself, or Grandma will be your helper and I’ll help you get in the seat. (Thank you, Claire Lerner’s book, Why Is My Child In Charge?). I’ll count to 10 and you can let me know your decision.”

All of this said, as best as I could manage, in a loving and nonjudgmental tone.

This acting challenge was getting really difficult.

And, by the time I got to 9 – counting painfully slowly – I could see that it wasn’t going to work.

G  just wanted to win this one, and her own indecision and stubbornness were adding to her own stress – not to mention mine.

So I said this:

“I’m going to give myself a timeout until my mad mood goes away and I don’t feel like yelling anymore. I really hope you’ll be in your car seat by then. But if you aren’t then at least I’ll be able to help you into the seat gently.”

I turned away from G, took deep breaths and counted to 20. At 15, I said to myself (out loud, so G could hear):

“Gee, I sure hope G is in her seat by the time I get to 20.”

At number 19, she climbed in.

Score one for Grandma…and also for G, who had made the decision herself, without (I think) feeling like she had lost some battle of wills.

I think I discovered, quite by accident, another use of the “timeout.”:

By taking one for myself, I may have shown the kids that timeouts are not punishments, but rather opportunities to regroup and take responsibility for one’s own mood.

At least I hope so.

But it worked. Even if G had not gotten into the car seat, at least I showed her, by example, how I realized I had to recognize, and take control of, my own feelings.

I sure hope it works next time.

Dear Grandma (or Grandpa), Tell Me About Your Life

You were born in Ukraine, the third of eight children.  Married at 19.

You gave birth to your first child in the middle of unrest and violence: pogroms and attacks against your “Hebrew” (according to ship manifest info) people.

Your husband Harry became a refugee to America when your son, Morris. was just a toddler. That was the plan, as only one of you could afford to escape at a time,

What did you witness and experience while you waited to escape too?

How did you do it?

Edith, Joe, Anna, Morrie, Harry

It took a year for Harry to earn enough money painting houses to send for you and your son, and then, somehow, you traveled with your 2 1/2 year old boy to Belgium, boarded the USS Finland, and traveled across the Atlantic Ocean to Ellis Island, then to St. Louis, where your next two children (my Uncle, then my mother) were born.

You learned to read and write English. You were valedictorian of your ESL class.

You raised three children, and worked too – as a tailor, and (according to the 1940 Census) as a store clerk.

You sent your two sons off to war when they were of age – back across the Atlantic to fight the Anti-Semitism and political unrest that had sent you to America two decades before.

How did you do it, Grandma?

I wish I had known how to ask you, before you passed away at the age of 78.

But I was too young, too unaware. Perhaps too narcissistic. After all, you were “just Grandma” – baker of jellycake, keeper of Kosher. Grandma, who let me sleep over in her Bronx apartment on the Castro convertible (so cool!). Grandma, who drank tea with a sugar cube in her mouth. Grandma and Grandpa, who escaped to Far Rockaway, Queens, in the summers and let us stay with them so we could walk to the beach, and treated my sunburn with Noxema.

Dear Grandma Anna, as Mother’s Day looms, how I wish I could ask you about your life.

How did you do it all?

The Family

What was it like, living in the shtetl in Ukraine, when Jewish lives were in ever-increasing danger?

Did you lose anyone you loved?

Did you want to leave your home?

How  in heaven’s name did you manage the trip across the ocean, with a  toddler in tow?

What was it like to learn a new language, a new alphabet, in a new country?

How did it feel to send your sons into war, after all you had experienced?

So many questions.

Do you think you know your grandparents? Your parents? Do we ever?

I knew that Grandma had taken the subway all the way from the Bronx to Queens on Fridays when we were in elementary school, so that my two brothers and I could have an adult at home waiting for us at least one day a week after my mother had to return to work. That was the day we could walk home for lunch from PS 149Q because someone was there to be with us.

I knew Grandpa – who was also a tailor as well as housepainter – would inspect my handiwork when I learned to sew.

But they are so much more than I saw.

I wish I could learn, and write about, their story. And particularly, as Mothers’ Day approaches, Anna’s story.

Decades after my grandparents passed away, ship manifests and census reports fill in some info.

The town Anna lived in (Vishnevets, Ukraine) was annihilated, two decades after their emigration, in the Holocaust.

I am lucky to be here, thanks to their courage.

I only wish I had asked them more questions while they were alive.

This Mothers’ Day. ask your Grandma. And your Mom.

“Tell me about your life.”

Happy Mothers’ Day.

 

Happier: The Authentic and Resilient Foundation for Success

John Jaramillo and I had so much fun sharing ideas, that this Book Leads podcast/show went way over the hour! Hope you enjoy listening as much as we loved chatting about leadership, books, setting and reaching goals but with a solid foundation of what really matters in the big picture of your life:

What is the Book Leads Podcast?

John speaks to specialists and experts across various industries and from varied backgrounds to learn about the book that made an impact and left an impression on their work, life, and leadership.

Here are his show notes from the episode: Enjoy!

For this episode, multi-faceted, multi-talented, and fellow multipotentialite Randye Kaye walks me through the heart of her own book on happiness and what it took for her – through the ups and downs of her own life – to come to the realization of how much we can really enhance our own happiness.

We can’t do what the self-help and development gurus suggest for us without a sound foundation of our own fulfillment to work upon. We all want to build more in our lives, working toward goals and dreams, but without that authentic and resilient foundation, anything we build today can more easily cave into itself and be undone tomorrow.

I love that message most of all from my conversation with Randye: We need to have a sound foundation before we go out and try all the advice that’s out there for how to achieve more. I’ve seen it in my coaching when clients have finally gone back to who they’ve always been – their values, needs, and wants – and what they had forgotten and forfeited, but return to again, feeling more authentic and fulfilled.

Some highlights from this episode:

From Randye: “The combination of being comfortable with yourself — that we’re more than just our achievements — and that we’re lovable even being stripped of our achievements and titles, is also important at the end of the day with how your life has been lived.”

The Stephen Sondheim quote, “Anything you do, let it come from you. Then it will be new.” comes up and is pertinent to our conversation. This is a major lesson we need to hear and understand when it comes to how we express ours views in life. We learn what the acronym B.R.E.A.T.H.E stands for. This kind of happiness is not about Toxic Positivity – that everything has to work out 24/7.”

The MAIN QUESTION that underlies my conversation with Randye is, Do you know what happiness really means to you, what your own definition and feeling of it are?

About Randye: Connect, Create, Communicate – that’s the thread that runs through Randye’s work as radio personality, improv and stage actor, drama teacher, humorist, podcast host, writer, motivational speaker, voice talent, and audiobook narrator. Her latest book, Happier Made Simple: Choose Your Words. Change Your Life. reached #1 International Bestseller status on Launch Day. Her previous bestselling title, Ben Behind His Voices: One Family’s Journey from the Chaos of Schizophrenia to Hope, was nominated for a Publisher’s Weekly Award. She lives with her family in Connecticut.

Learn more about Randy, her work, and her book at www.randyekaye.com and www.happiermadesimple.com

Watch the episode on YouTube: https://lnkd.in/ey_KTZe

Learn more about The Book Leads: https://lnkd.in/eFb76ck

Giveaway! Want to win a Free Paperback Copy?

Enter now for a chance to win a free copy (paperback) of Happier Made Simple! Hurry – offer ends soon!

 

.goodreadsGiveawayWidget { color: #555; font-family: georgia, serif; font-weight: normal; text-align: left; font-size: 14px;<br /> font-style: normal; background: white; }<br /> .goodreadsGiveawayWidget p { margin: 0 0 .5em !important; padding: 0; }<br /> .goodreadsGiveawayWidgetEnterLink {<br /> display: inline-block;<br /> color: #181818;<br /> background-color: #F6F6EE;<br /> border: 1px solid #9D8A78;<br /> border-radius: 3px;<br /> font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif;<br /> font-weight: bold;<br /> text-decoration: none;<br /> outline: none;<br /> font-size: 13px;<br /> padding: 8px 12px;<br /> }<br /> .goodreadsGiveawayWidgetEnterLink:hover {<br /> color: #181818;<br /> background-color: #F7F2ED;<br /> border: 1px solid #AFAFAF;<br /> text-decoration: none;<br /> }<br /> Goodreads Book Giveaway Happier Made Simpleby Randye Kaye

Giveaway ends May 02, 2022.

See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Badass, or Balance?- What Matters More?

Let’s say you want to reach for the stars, attain that audacious goal, drive a BMW.

There are lots of books and workshops that teach you how to visualize those positive outcomes, face your fears, walk over those hot coals, get yourself behind the wheel of that fancy car.

Wahoo! But – wait.

Photo by Japheth Mast on Unsplash

Two problems here:

One: what if you know all that you are “supposed” to do to manifest your dreams, but you just can’t find the energy to do it because you’re mired in self-doubt, loneliness, or anxiety?Two: What if you get to your goal, and you are still not satisfied? What happens the morning after the success? The week after the seminar ends? How long does the high last?

As the dying Steve Jobs might have said (there is doubt about the source, but the sentiment is immensely popular) ,  “Whether the house we live in is 300 or 3000 sq ft – loneliness is the same.”

Yet – What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

Does my book Happier Made Simple: Choose Your Words. Change Your Life., make a flashy enough promise? Does happier hold a candle to promises of wealth and fame? 

We’ll see.  

What Is YOUR Balance?

Self-Development Book Clubs are full of recommendations for Goal-Setting and Personal Success in reaching higher for wealth, success, fame. Tony Robbins, Jen Sincero – I salute you. You have inspired many.

But – is that all there is? And – if you don’t strike a life balance, if you don’t have room for the little pleasures of life on the way to “success”, what is the point?

With that in mind, I rewrote my answer in the Author Q and A from my media kit:  Why did you write Happier Made Simple ? You know, “happier” isn’t as flashy as, say “wildly successful”, or “wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.” We live in a goal-oriented world, full of promises if we just “quit that boring job”, take a risk, make a vision board with the car we want to drive, the celebrities we want to meet, the lifestyle we covet.

What sells more? Change, or Contentment? Fame/Success, or Happier? 

Truth is: We need one (Happier) to get to, and balance the other (Success).

And/or – we want to live a life of purpose – helping others, sharing our gifts, feeling good about our contributions. But – if we’re lost in an inner world of self-pity, self-doubt and fear, we’re left with no energy to live that purpose. There’s little of ourselves left to give. With steps to happier, we free ourselves to explore our potential, reach those goals, live a life of greater balance, and live our purpose.So – when we strive to be happier, we have more moments of contentment, confidence, and love for others. Without happier moments, the rest is unattainable. But does being happier have to be so complicated?

Like you, I’ve been through stuff. As my grandmother used to say, “everybody’s got something.” But we do tend to differ in the way we react to life’s challenges and joys. As I shared my own experiences with audiences and workshop participants, so many asked me how I “stay so positive” that they inspired me to share my answers in this book.

My first goal was to write a book readers might actually want to finish, with ideas to use right away. So many of us (myself included) have self-development books sitting on our shelves (or donated to garage sales), with only a chapter or two completed. Friends told me, “I bought this book about happiness and just couldn’t finish it. It got too wordy and complicated. I wanted to shout, just tell me what to do!”

I include stories of my own challenges so far –marriage to an alcoholic, desertion of the aforementioned spouse, single parenting, supporting my family as an actor, losing my parents, serious mental illness in my son, a big DNA surprise, learning to love and trust again, the journey back from being hit by a car.

Still, my “default mode” (as my computer geek husband calls it) is to choose happier.

How?  I realized that the words I chose to tell myself led me to happier places, at least eventually (strong emotions must be processed). Words are shortcuts. They bridge to other thoughts, feelings and actions – and if we are not aware of where they lead us, we might go there blindfolded.

There are lots of fantastic resources out there – I recommend them in my book for further enlightenment – but I couldn’t find one that provided a simple explanation, told with everyday language and humor, framed as actions and word changes to try first, understand later. So I wrote one.

Also, in attending “happiness” workshops online and in-person, some of the most revered “happiness gurus” I experienced never even cracked a smile. Many of these classes scored low on fun and humor, high on complicated concepts.

I had presented some of this book’s material as a workshop in corporate and self-development settings, and the response was so encouraging (plus we all had fun) that the basis of the seven Core Phrases and Concepts that spell “BREATHE” formed the first seven chapters.

Recommended Book : The Change Guidebook, by Elizabeth Hamilton Guarino

Change is part of life – both in reaction to life,  and by proactively creating the change.

Elizabeth Hamilton Guarino’s  new book, The Change Guidebook,  will help you do the latter.

Yes, you can change yourself, and make a positive difference in the world too – with clear thought, helpful guidelines, and help from this successful life coach, influencer, consultant, trainer and speaker who tells it like it is and gives you the step-by-step guidelines, stories, steps, and exercises to help you do it.

Me, I tend to improv my way through life, which often works for me. But I remain open to input – and when others can help me focus and make my plan more clear and purposeful, I’m all for it.

I welcome the guidance. We’re all connected, (a concept both EHG and I talk about in our books) and designed to help each other.

I personally have reinvented myself so many times , I feel like a shape-shifter. Partial list of transitions:

From folksinger to NYC stage actor to lead singer in a band single Los  Angeles actress to Connecticut wife and mom. Wife  to single mom /radio on-air talent to full-time voice talent and author , to… professional speaker…to audiobook narrator, single mom to married again. …to podcast host. …to  grandparent. To, once again, author.

This week, I read Elizabeth’s book to put it all in perspective and clarify next steps. I actually did the exercises and enjoyed myself in the process, all the while learning about others’ journeys, and clarifying the meanings of my own choices.

Get this book – and use it! You’ll be so glad you did, to be your Best Ever You – and add more happier to the world.. I certainly am.

PS – I first met Elizabeth (still only virtually, maybe someday in person) as a guest on her Best Ever You show, and now am thrilled to be the voice that introduces her podcasts. And, I’m a fan.

 

 

 

Aging Proudly: Please Stop Telling Me I Have to Look Younger

70, Girl, 70.

Aging Proudly

That’s how old I’ll be (or, my body will be) in October of this year.

What?!?!?

So, yeah – I still have months left in my 60’s – but the big 7-0 is right around the corner.

And to that I say:

Yay! Wahoo!

Or I’m getting there.

That number, 70, represents more years than my mother got to live, after all (she died of lung cancer at 67), and my hope is to be the Betty White of aging –spreading joy, making the most of it all, treasuring each day to love, work, teach and learn.

Even if I do have (gasp!) wrinkles. And grey roots. And a few issues with aches and pains, yada yada.

I’m so sick of defying age. Or aging gracefully. Oh, please.

What I want to be is: Aging gratefully. Aging boldly. Or – better yet – Aging proudly.

Care to join me?

…and getting awesomer

Otherwise – what kind of example are we setting for our daughters and grandchildren? That youth has everything, that it’s a terrible thing to get older?

And, seriously, to call in the cliché, what’s the alternative?

I’ve known women who, as teenagers, were thrilled to look older than their age – until they got to 21. 21!!!! Then the desire to look younger started to creep in, and “wow you don’t look it” had a different meaning.

That is frightening.

Of course, it isn’t all our fault, as role models. There’s the media: TV, films, commercials, magazines – where youth, not wisdom, is glorified.

Parents on sitcoms are often the stupid ones. The kids are smarter. So why grow up?

Women in Hollywood get ignored once their faces show experience instead of the blank slate of possibility. That’s why so many smart actresses are producing their own stuff now, thank you very much.

And don’t get me started on advertising. In order to get us to buy stuff to look younger, first they have to convince us we are ugly as we are. Grrr.

So – there’s that.

But then there is, well, us.

What can we do?

Stop lying about our ages. Say the number – loud and proud.Notice if we feel we need to hear “but you don’t look it!” when we state said number. So -if we do “look our age” – what’s the crime in that? I used to wait for the gasp of disbelief when I revealed my age. Now, if that doesn’t happen – it has to be fine. Working on it!Stop with the Zoom filters. Sure, I like my good lighting and a little make-up, but I feel like I’m cheating with more.Focus on, and treasure, experience- all we’ve learned, whom we’ve loved, what we’ve taught, all the experiences we’ve racked up. Proud! We are fascinating.Stay as healthy as we can. That’s the best reason to still use moisturizer, eat well, take walks, etc. Well, the main reason.Stay fascinated with everything – if you’re feeling like an old dog, learn a new trick. Takes a decade off your internal age!Maybe look in the mirror less? We see so many more flaws than the people who love us do when they look at us.

No one looks as closely to our face as we do.

I have a dream: that we women will be considered valuable through each and every decade of our lives. In a perfect world, we’d be considered beautiful, too. Even with wrinkles. Even with grey hair. Even with a less firm body.

That dream starts with the way we choose to feel about ourselves – and our ages.

This is one of the reasons I adore Helen Mirren. And Sally Field. They age beautifully, boldly, proudly.

I’m still working on this, full disclosure. Sure, I can say the number loud and proud – but yeah, I still spring for the box of Olio hair dye every five weeks or so.

Age proudly. That goal, like us, is a work in progress.

Happier Made Simple is an Audiobook Too!

If you’ve been hoping to hear Happier Made Simple “read by the author”, you’ve got your wish! Soon it will be on Audible, but in the meantime you can get it through Kobo/Walmart
or Chirp!

here is a sample:

RandyeKayeVO · Happier Made Simple: Retail Sample 1

and – another one!

RandyeKayeVO · Happier Made Simple: Retail Sample2

Enjoy!

Randye

Nine parenting Lessons Re-Learned: A Weekend of Grandbaby-sitting

Not my home, but a similar mess

Losing the tv remote can be a good thing. (Really, we didn’t fake it.) The morning was more creative, less argumentative, and they “forgot” to have the morning snack they usually think they need.

Kids love, and need, to be needed. With a freezing cold day ahead, and all 3 kids sniffling (ages 6, 4 1/2 and 3, in case you were wondering), I declared the “activity” of the day would be laundry. The littler ones fought for the right to fold the kitchen towels…and they figured out stuff to do when they weren’t “helping.” Also told the 3yo (boy) what fun it would be to take a paper towel and get on the floor and make all the water drops disappear. Child labor. Don’t tell my daughter. What a gift to have siblings. See corollary. Corollary: sometimes it’s best to separate said siblings and tell them they are not allowed to play together until they figure it out. Do not become a referee except to call time out – from each other. Not everything has to be recorded on the smart phone. Record it in your mind. Savor the fashion show (the older 2 are girls, not that that matters to a fashion show but you might have been wondering), the puppet show, reading in the teepee. Stay in the moment and savor, savor, savor- for this too shall pass and the next one may be the blood-curdling scream the youngest emits when overwhelmed. If possible, have a partner who will babysit with you. When I was a single parent, one of the hardest things was having no one to turn to when the kids were being awesomely cute…or when they weren’t. Or when they needed to be in separate places with separate adults. So grateful for my husband right now Getting outdoors, even for ten minutes, can be a game-changer. See lesson six. Very rare that all three want to go outside at the same time. Make sure you have 2 Aleve left in the bottle for when you go home. Notice what fantastic parents those three kids have, Count your blessings.

Embracing the Muse: What Are We Afraid of?

When I left Morning Radio, I swore I would never wake up before the sunrise again.

I’d earned it. 3:15 AM for eight years, seriously?

Yet here I am, coffee in hand, watching the sun rise through the trees outside my kitchen window.

For the second day in a row.

My brain wakes me up – to…what? write?

To write?

Am I, like, a writer now?

My meek self answers: Um, I guess so?

Sure, I’ve written a book or two. My first one was published ten years ago. It still sells, albeit modestly (there goes that meek voice again, oops). My latest book launches in 11 days, officially, and in this waiting period (truth be told, there is a lot to do, so not technically waiting) I have way too much time to second-guess myself.

As you can see, I write blog posts too. Not sure who reads them, but I write them.

Does that make me a “writer”?

I write to get my spinning brain to spit it out, organize the thoughts, refine the message, and share it.

It’s the sharing part that sometimes eludes me. Yes, good enough for me – but other people?

Here comes the too-familiar words that lock the door: Who am I to think that I have something of value to offer to the world? I’m not really a writer. Not really.

And, yet, I’m sitting here – well, writing.

Because, for some reason, I have to. So there, doubting inner voice.

So, for today, the message has changed, from Why me? To Why not me? To Of course, me!

I have to write today. The knock on the door was too loud to ignore this morning.

I want to learn to hear it more often, and open the door to embrace the muse, collaborate, and share the light.

Why do we hold ourselves back?

Scribbled Notes, and the Mug of Coffee to go with Happier Made Simple

I’m no stranger to living life as a right-brained “creative.” I’ve taken the personality tests,I know I’d totally suck as an accountant or researcher. You just have to look at the way I take notes  at a meeting (scribbles, doodles, arrows, different fonts) to nail me as not-that-linear. I love to be on stage, to sing, to act, to speak. I’ve made a decent living at some of these things.

Decent, yes – but, usually, just enough. Enough to raise my kids. To pay my mortgage. To meet the bills. Often, by the skin of my teeth. As if that is all the magnificence I’ll allow myself.

I’m working on the change to more. More confidence, more creativity, more connection, more sharing of the light that keeps knocking at my door, daring (or begging?) me to get it done – and out there.

Really out there. For anyone who needs what my muse and I have to offer.

What muse is knocking at your door?

Are you just peeking through the curtain, making sure they have the right house?

Or  – are you triple-locking the door and staying purposefully silent, hoping they will just go away already and leave you in peace so you can get the dishes done?

Or – is the door open, or at least, opening, to the creativity within you?

Why do we fear our own unique spectacular?

My door is open this morning. I’m hoping to keep it open, and fix those rusty hinges (metaphorically speaking, people – mu actual door hinges are fine, thank you WD-40) so that it doesn’t keep closing on the muse that wants me to keep at it – to get those words out of my head and into some form so they can travel to others who might need to hear what I have to share.

 

This part is not easy.

Why? Those old companions – doubt, fear, the habit of staying smaller than I want to be.

Wow. That last one. This needs to be explored.

Why do we stay smaller than we can be, like a peacock with feathers that refuse to open to their full magnificence – ever?

Sure, it would be exhausting to display the spectacular you all the time – and, well, annoying.

But, when we need to shine our light, when others might benefit what we have to offer, helps to know why we only open the door a crack, at best.

What holds you back sometimes, when your creative muse comes a’knockin’ , loud and hard?

And what gets you to open that door? Is it a favorite quote? An inspiring book? A piece of music? A friend who says the right thing at the right time?

This morning, ask the question and see what you know. Change starts with awareness.

For this moment, my door is wide open. Looking for doorstops to keep it from closing.

What works for you?