Evil Editor's Blog, page 74

Feedback Request

The query for Keeper of the Woods, most recently seen here, would like feedback on the revision below.


Ana is a monster. She doesn’t have claws, fangs, or even a tail-and that’s the problem. One by one everyone else around her has changed and taken on physical traits of an animal just like they’re supposed to.

Abandoned and feared, Ana has raised herself in the woods for eight years until, one day, a fire breaks out. In the blaze she finds and rescues a coyote-girl named Arella, as well as her dog-brother Rae. The siblings seem kind, and even offer to take a skeptical Ana to someone who might be able to fix her. Ana reluctantly agrees to travel with them, and even stays after she discovers they are wanted criminals. After all, she has nowhere to go and already knows she can’t trust anyone-but if there’s a chance that she can end her nightmare, she’ll take it.

They’ll have to rely on each other as they journey, but the closer they come to their destination, the closer they become to each other. [That makes no more sense than it did last time. You're saying: They'll have to rely on each other, but how can they when they've become close? It's like saying Dorothy needs to rely on the Scarecrow, but she can't because they've bonded. It's like saying when you need someone to rely on it's better to go with a stranger than with your best friend.] In the end, Ana can’t hide from the world anymore and will have to decide who to trust. Keeper of the Woods is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

You're not giving us enough specific information about the plot. You have a paragraph telling us who your main character is, a paragraph telling us what her situation is, and a vague paragraph that tells us nothing. If you apply the same format to The Wizard of Oz it will sound like this:

Dorothy is an average girl living on a farm in Kansas. She has a loving family and a cute dog named Toto. Sometimes she stops what she's doing and breaks into song.

One day a tornado threatens the farm. Dorothy is knocked unconscious while trying to find Toto, and when she wakes she's in a wondrous colorful land populated by little people called Munchkins. The Munchkins and a kind witch tell Dorothy about a wizard in the Emerald City who might be able to help her return to Kansas. She has no better idea, and if there’s a chance she can get back home, she’ll take it.

Along the way Dorothy meets interesting characters and encounters some dangers. In the end, she will learn a valuable life lesson. The Wizard of Oz is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel.

I look forward to hearing from you.


Note that my query leaves out all the good stuff. Now, if I condense it into one paragraph:

After 12-year-old Dorothy Gale is knocked unconscious during a tornado on her Kansas farm, she wakes in a wondrous land called Oz. She longs to return to her family, but it seems the only one who might help her is a wizard who lives in the Emerald City. So off she goes, accompanied by her dog Toto, to see the wizard.

. . . I'll have plenty of room to talk about the friends Dorothy makes along the way, and especially about the villain, the wicked witch who's trying to stop them. And then to wrap it up with what Dorothy might learn if she somehow survives.

Success Story

Carrie Ryan's book The Forest of Hands and Teeth (Book Chat 46) is, at long last, being made into a movie. It'll star, from Game of Thrones,  . . . Well you can read about it here.

Feedback Request

The author of Antonov's Diamonds (most recently seen here) would like comments on this new version.


Former FBI consultant Flynn Christopher is asked by a friend at the bureau for a favor ; let the FBI use Flynn’s pawn shop for a sting involving fake credit cards. Their target is Alexei Antonov a former Russian Colonel.

It’s supposed to be simple, do a meet and greet and turn the operation back over to the FBI. Antonov checks Flynn out prior to the meeting and learns about his close ties to the over 5000 members of the American Pawnbrokers Association. [Are his ties to these 5000 members closer than other members' ties?]

He’s just what Antonov needs.

Unscrupulous land bosses in Russia, associates of Antonov, have conned the government into defunding a diamond mine deep in the Ural mountain wilderness. It’s been shut down as unprofitable and abandoned. However, the mine was out producing expectations and is secretly reopened. Criminals are running the mine now, complete with their own diamond cutters.

Antonov double crosses his partners in a brutal assault on the mine and makes off with untold millions in diamonds. [If the mine is outproducing expectations, and Antonov is a partner in the operation, I don't see why he's better off double-crossing his partners than just continuing to take his share over time. For purposes of the query (if not the book) Antonov could just be the part of the operation charged with finding buyers for the diamonds. You can just say Antonov's men are running the mine now, complete with their own diamond cutters. And leave out the brutal assault. It saves us wondering why he's giving up a sweet racket for a one-time score.]

Flynn is in way over his head when the unpredictable Antonov shows back up in [returns to] Baltimore. [We didn't know he was in Baltimore to begin with. Call it Flynn's Baltimore pawn shop back in sentence 1.] He wants Flynn to set up a network to sell the stolen diamonds through his fellow pawnbrokers. [He wants Flynn to contact 5000 pawnbrokers and invite them to sell stolen diamonds?]

Caught in the middle, he agrees to lure Antonov into an FBI trap. The plan calls for Flynn to double cross an increasingly psychotic Antonov. Cheated out of over five million in diamonds, Antonov [Wait, I missed that. How did he get cheated?] is set on vengeance, and Flynn. [He's set on Flynn? We assume you're talking about Flynn when you say he's set on vengeance.]


Notes

So as part of the sting, Flynn tells Antonov he'll distribute the diamonds to thousands of pawn shops, and Antonov says, "Great," and just gives him the diamonds? And at that point the FBI doesn't swoop in and take Antonov into custody, but leaves him free to seek vengeance on Flynn?

If Antonov gives the diamonds to Flynn and walks out, how does he find out he's been cheated? He can't expect the money to start rolling in immediately.

If Antonov wants to sell diamonds to pawn shops instead of jewelry wholesalers, it's probably because pawnbrokers have a reputation for questionable business practices, like dealing with stolen goods. But wouldn't that also mean they'd be more likely to give him a raw deal or even swindle him?
I don't think any of the versions has explained this. Why pawn shops?

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face Lift 1374 has submitted a revision and seeks your feedback.


Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Ana is a monster. She doesn’t have claws, fangs, or even a tail-and that’s the problem. One by one everyone else around her has changed and taken on physical traits of an animal which matches their personality, just like they’re supposed to.

Everyone that is, except her. [I think you made that point in the previous paragraph.] Abandoned and feared Ana has raised herself in the woods just outside of town for eight years.

Then, one day, the forest is suddenly on fire. Before she escapes Ana rescues a coyote girl named Arella and her dog brother Rae from the blaze. The woods she called home are suddenly gone and now she must find a new place to hide. [Does Rae have the personality of Santa's Little Helper or of Cujo? 





















I mean, dogs have so many different personalities (unlike cats, which are all sneaky, stand-offish, disloyal, annoying, demanding, neurotic and stubborn) that it seems everyone could take on the physical traits of a dog.] Rather than fear her, Rae and Arella sympathize with her and even offer to have her travel [take her] with them to see King Nalvero so that he might help her. [So Ana is Dorothy and King Nalvero is the wizard.] Though they seem kind something about their story doesn’t make sense. For one thing, Ana knows from whispers in the village that Nalvero and his army are invading other kingdoms and on the verge of declaring war. [It's always best to invade other kingdoms before declaring war. It catches them off guard.] For another, there’s the matter of what they were doing in the forest in the first place. [Is it so outlandish that someone who physically is a coyote would be in a forest?] She can’t trust these two-but if there’s a chance that she can end her nightmare, she’ll take it.

The three have less than a week to travel to Nalvero’s castle while avoiding his soldiers, a panther bounty hunter, curses, prophecies, [a wicked witch, flying monkeys,] and Rae and Ana’s constant arguing. [What happens if they aren't there in less than a week? If their goal is to reach the king, why avoid his soldiers? Aren't the king and his soldiers on the same side?] [Try to keep lists to three items. Curses and prophesies don't strike me as things you can avoid.]  They’ll have to rely on each other to make it, but the closer they become [get] to their destination, the closer they become [grow] to each other. [I don't see what point that sentence is making. The "but" suggests that it's harder to rely on someone you're close to. Isn't the opposite true?] With each passing day it becomes more and more difficult to keep up the ruse [What ruse?] and their schemes could unravel. [What schemes?] In the end Ana must choose who to trust in order to fulfill a destiny far beyond her choice. [Does she or anyone know what her destiny is?] 

Keeper of the Woods is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel. I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

If Ana, Rae and Arella all have human intelligence, I would think the ones with dog and coyote bodies would have the easier time getting out of a burning forest. Were they trapped under a fallen tree?

If you don't change into an animal, that's a shame, but I don't see how the king can help. They should be off to see a wizard (preferably Harry Potter or Gandalf, not Oz).

Good that you're focusing on the plot this time, but more work is needed. Try limiting yourself to nine sentences. It might help you decide what's important and what can be left out.


I would add a few commas, after Abandoned and feared, Before she escapes, Though they seem kind. And get rid of the commas in Then, one day, 

Two Short Films for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1275  (the post just below this one) would like feedback on this revision:


Dear Evil Editor,

In 2097, fourteen-year-old Brian has always been fascinated by the first interstellar colonization mission [Saying he's always been fascinated in 2097 is like saying Last Tuesday Brian always wanted to be a fireman. In any case, we can guess that it's well in the future, so no need to specify the exact year.] – a 300-year-long, 20 light-year voyage [We don't need both the time and distance of the planned voyage.] that the crew will spend mostly in Cryosleep. After he nearly drowns, his dad tells him they both have the rare Cryosleep genetic modifications, a requirement for going on the mission. He’s stunned to learn that his mother’s death eight years ago was [mother died eight years ago] in a bombing by fundamentalist terrorists opposed to genetic modifications. His dad never told him, to protect him from growing anti-genmod prejudices fostered by fundamentalist propaganda. [We don't need to know why dad didn't tell him. We just need to know he's got the genmods needed for the mission.] [I provided a sample of a cohesive opening paragraph in my notes on the previous version, one that eliminated the mother's death eight years ago and Brian's failure to drown. I see they've made their way into this version. How mom died would be important if it were the inciting event in Brian's signing on to the mission, but he's always been interested in the mission. We don't care that Brian nearly drowned, we only care that he has the genmods. In fact, I'm not sure we even need that. Can't he just get the genmods after he's approved for the mission? Why did he get them so young? They wouldn't modify you at a young age, knowing you might not want to go on the mission when you were older, or that you might not even be qualified physically and emotionally and intellectually for the mission.] 

Brian is delighted when he and his dad join the mission. But the mission will be canceled if it hasn’t reached its goals by an approaching deadline – anti-genmod prejudices are slowing recruitment, as many are afraid to disclose, or even unaware that they have, the essential Cryosleep genmods. [The whole point of getting the genmods was to be prepared for the mission, so why are there people who don't know they have them?] [How many recruits do they need? When NASA has ten positions available in astronaut training they get thousands of applications. Hey, the more people with genmods get subjected to prejudice, the more they're gonna want to get off the planet.] When Brian learns the mission is also short of pilots for its critical Dragonfly one-person support spacecraft because the fundamentalists are blocking approval of the contract for training software, [Apparently things are different in the future; in our time, we would never give fundamentalist terrorists the power to block approval of contracts for anything to do with any kind of mission.] 

[The mission to put a man on Mars has completed the training phase.

Excellent. So what's the holdup?

The rocket fuel contracts still haven't been approved by al Qaeda and ISIS.]

he adapts shareware from a gaming group he’s in to do the job, and recruits some new teenage mission friends to help test it. Their hard work earns them spots as Dragonfly cadets, and their teenage adaptability helps them do well, despite attempts of some jealous older cadets to discredit them. [Failed attempts to discredit them is a minor subplot that has no place in the query letter.] But the terrorists are worried that positive publicity surrounding the teenagers’ participation will save the mission by boosting recruitment, and attempt to eliminate them – the teenagers barely escape.

The teenagers are more determined than ever, and are sent into space with the other cadets to the nearly completed starship to finish their training. But while they’re drilling in their Dragonflies, a robotic cargo ship establishes a collision course for the unarmed starship. Time is short, and the teenagers are the only ones in a position to stop it, [In the previous version you said the starships were nearing completion. Yet not only is this one unarmed, it can't even go to warp 1 to escape a cargo ship?] although the attempt could cost them their lives. But if the starship is lost, it will be the end of humanity’s first attempt to reach the stars – and of all the rest of the Dragonfly pilots and other close friends still onboard. [It's not clear that the robotic cargo ship is being controlled by the bad guys. Maybe it's gone off course due to a computer glitch.]

Mission of Terror is a young adult hard science fiction novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. It’s use of human genetic engineering for Cryosleep, [I don't remember Ripley needing any genomes to be put in Cryosleep in Alien.] [Just once I'd like to type "genmods" without Blogger changing it to "genomes."]and fundamentalist terrorist opposition to genetic engineering, drive much of the stories’ [story's?] conflict.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

You keep using the word "fundamentalist." I Googled fundamentalism and found it was a movement in American Protestantism that arose in the early part of the 20th century in reaction to modernism and that stresses the infallibility of the Bible not only in matters of faith and morals but also as a literal historical record, holding as essential to Christian faith belief in such doctrines as the creation of the world, the virgin birth, physical resurrection, atonement by the sacrificial death of Christ, and the Second Coming. Is this what you mean by fundamentalists? I think you need to come up with a name for the group. If al Qaeda called themselves the "fundamentalist terrorists," the world would ignore them. Your group needs a cool name, like the Antediluvians. 

Even if fundamentalist terrorists wanted to stop genetic modification, it seems they'd attack buildings where it's being done, or politicians who favor doing it, not a starship whose mission is colonization. People will think they attacked the starship because they believe man was not meant to travel to the stars.

This sentence has too much unnecessary information: When Brian learns the mission is also short of pilots for its critical Dragonfly one-person support spacecraft because the fundamentalists are blocking approval of the contract for training software, he adapts shareware from a gaming group he’s in to do the job, and recruits some new teenage mission friends to help test it. Here's what we need: When Brian learns the mission needs pilots for its Dragonfly spacecraft, he and some of his friends sign up. 

Face-Lift 1275

Guess the Plot

Mission of Terror

1. It's gonna be scary, but if it means being free once and for all of diapers, Bobby's gonna use the big people's toilet.

2. Sixteen-year-old Faye has a mother who's a spy and a father who's a chemist. Both of them are missing and Faye is the only one who seems to be looking for them. Her clues lead her to Disney World and one ride that may be her last clue: Mission of Terror. But does she have the chops to take on that rollercoaster to find her parents?

3. While fourteen-year-old Bryan trains in outer space for mankind's first interstellar colonization mission, fundamentalist terrorists launch an attack on the flagship in order to gain positive publicity for their anti-genetic engineering agenda. 

4. For Janella, it looks like junior year is going to be another loser -- until the dark new boy summons her to the life she didn't know was hers. It turns out that she's actually a spirit from the Nightmare Realm, where human nightmares are hatched and delivered into people's brains every night. Janella isn't sure she wants to go there. But dang, that boy is cute.

5. Conlynn "Corky" Smith is at a Ugandan Christian mission school for girls when terrorists attack. Can she use her martial arts training, hunting skills, and psychic connection to Jaunty the Leopard to get her and her girls to safety? Also, crazy, drunken chimps.



Original Version


Dear Evil Editor,

Fourteen-year-old Brian thinks nothing could be worse than moving just before starting high school. Then he wakes up in the hospital after a bullying incident. [There's bullying, and then there's assault with intent to kill.] [The first sentence has me thinking he hasn't moved yet. The second sentence has me wondering if the bullying happened before or after he moved (If you change "thinks" to "thought" it might help, assuming the move already happened.). The third and fourth sentences make me wonder if we're in the same book.] He learns his rare Cryosleep genetic modifications, developed for the first interstellar colonization mission, saved him from drowning. He’s stunned to learn that his mother was killed eight years ago in a bombing by fundamentalist terrorists opposed to genmods. [Then he discovers that his father is a cyborg from a planet in the Sombrero Galaxy and his siblings are super villains named Beetlegirl and Creep.] [I'm starting to think the plot about the Nightmare Realm was the real one.] [Wait, he's fourteen, his mother was killed when he was six, and he's stunned to learn this? Or is he just stunned to learn how she died? As in: He’s stunned to learn that his mother's death eight years ago was caused by fundamentalist terrorists opposed to genmods.] [Bad enough that the American infidels don't give us the respect we deserve, now they're genetically modifying themselves so they can sleep hundreds of years in space. We must destroy them all.] [Now that I've read the whole query, I'm wondering if we shouldn't just start with paragraph 2.] 

Brian has always been fascinated by the 300-year-long, 20 light-year mission and he’s happy to join it, although the anti-genmod prejudices the terrorist’s [terrorists'] propaganda has created worries him. When he learns the mission is critically short of pilots for its Dragonfly one-person support spacecraft, he and some new friends work hard to qualify for Dragonfly pilot training. Their teenage adaptability helps them do well, despite attempts of jealous older cadets to discredit them. But the terrorists, angry over the positive publicity surrounding the teenagers, attempt to kidnap and eliminate them [These teenagers are getting too much positive press; we must eliminate them.] – which they barely escape.

Their parents are worried, but the teenagers are more determined than ever, and go into space to finish their training at the starships nearing completion in the Earth-Moon L5 Lagrange point. [Even if that sentence makes sense to you, (changing "at" to "on" would help) I'd cut it off after "training" to accommodate idiots like me.] But while they’re drilling in their Dragonflies, the terrorists launch an attack to destroy the flagship. [These fundamentalist terrorists have spacecraft? Just so they can attack other spacecraft?] Brian and his friends are the only ones in a position to stop it, although the attempt could cost them their lives. But if the flagship and everyone on it are lost, it will be the end of humanity’s first attempt to reach the stars – and all their hard work and sacrifice will have been in vain. [How much hard work and sacrifice are we talking about? Their first semester of high school?]

Mission of Terror is a young adult science fiction novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. Its use of human genetic engineering for frozen sleep, and fundamentalist terrorist opposition to genetic engineering, are unique elements that drive much of the stories’ conflict.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Most of this is setup. If you limit the setup to one paragraph, you'll have more room to tell us what actually happens. A paragraph similar to this:

When fourteen-year-old Brian Smith learns that Earth's first interstellar colonization mission needs Dragonfly pilots, he and some of his friends enlist. Their teenage adaptability helps them excel, and soon they go into space to complete their training with the mission starships. But fundamentalist terrorists, opposed to the genetic modifications needed for Cryosleep, will do anything to sabotage the mission--including launching an attack on the flagship.


I tend to think of terrorists opposed to genetic engineering blowing up Monsanto factories, not starships. They should be happy we're sending our genetically engineered humans off to some other planet where they can't destroy planet Earth.

Our fleet of starships being unable to squash an attack by some tree-hugging environmentalists is like (choose one):

a. The starship Enterprise being vulnerable to the Goodyear blimp

b. The Death Star being vulnerable to a puny X-wing.

Inconceivable.

Feedback Request

The author of Antonov's Diamonds (most recently queried here) requests feedback on this new version:


Dear Evil Editor,

Former FBI consultant turned pawnbroker Flynn Christopher is asked by an old friend at the bureau to lend his brick and mortar store to run a sting involving fake credit cards. [That's more information than I care to deal with in the first sentence. Dividing the info into two parts with a colon, semicolon or period makes it less overwhelming.

Former FBI consultant Flynn Christopher is asked by a friend at the Bureau for a favor: let the FBI use Flynn's pawn shop for a sting operation involving fake credit cards.]

Their target is Alexei Antonov, an ex-Russian Colonel gone rogue. [Somehow when I read the phrase "ex-Russian Colonel gone rogue," I imagine him running a paramilitary operation, not a credit card scam.] [Possibly calling him a former Russian colonel would be better, as "ex-Russian makes us wonder what nationality he is now.] [In any case, that sentence belongs at the end of the first paragraph.] It should be a simple operation, but instead Antonov has something much bigger and deadlier on the horizon [in mind? in the works?]. At the meet and greet Antonov tells Flynn he plans to takeover [take over] a mine deep in the Ural mountain wilderness and steal millions in diamonds. [When the FBI asks to use your store for a sting, wouldn't they insert their own personnel into the store instead of giving you a major role?] The kicker is, he wants to use Flynn’s connection to the over five thousand members of the American Pawnbrokers Association to fence the stolen goods. [It still sounds like we're talking about stealing uncut diamonds fresh out of the mine. I don't see why pawnbrokers would be interested in that, nor am I convinced that many pawnbrokers would know who would be interested in that.] He leaves out that he is going to double cross and murder his partners in Russia. Flynn is in over his head when the FBI uses him as the bait to draw out Antonov and recover the stolen diamonds. [Still not clear why the FBI cares about diamonds stolen from a Ural Mountains mine. Is there a bigger threat to America than the possibility Antonov will make money selling stolen goods here?] The operation falls apart when Antonov decides he can’t trust Flynn and he has to die too.


Notes

Does Antonov have any scheme involving credit cards, and if not, why does the FBI think he does?

You got rid of Peter the Great, but other than that, this sounds pretty similar to the previous incarnation. The plot elements you're choosing to include are inspiring questions. You can leave out those elements or answer those questions.  

Evil Editor to Not Appear on Dancing with the Stars...Again

The new Dancing with the Stars Cast has been announced, and once again Evil Editor is not among them. The cast includes four people I've heard of: Chaka Khan and Gary Busey, who are both so old they couldn't do a slow dance without needing to crawl inside an oxygen tent: Paula Dean, who agreed to appear only if they didn't stick her with an African-American partner; and seventeen-year-old Mindi Erwin, whose claim to stardom is that her father was killed by a sting ray about a decade ago.





The other eight cast members I won't bother naming. Trust me, they aren't as famous as Evil Editor. I know this because I've never heard of them and I'm pretty sure everyone's heard of Evil Editor. So what gives? Do they just not want to risk that an editor wins the mirror ball trophy instead of a no-talent celebrity? Not a problem. There's little chance I would even make it to the final four, and if I did, I'd throw the match and let someone who actually needs the publicity win. Screw 'em. If they don't want me, I know someone who will: American Ninja Warrior.

Synopsis 45

The Actaids are the four gods who keep order in the world. The Lord of Life keeps domain over all life on Earth. The King of Corpses dwells over death. [Does "dwell over" mean what you think it means?] The Baroness of Balance keeps order and harmony among the people. The Girl of Gifts gives humans their animal forms by their eighth birthday. [Change their name to The Actaids of Alliteration.] Rae, the half-dog, and his sister Arella, the half-coyote, break every law trying to survive while their father leads the rebellion against the weasel King Nalvero. [Is King Nalvero a weasel or half weasel? (I assume there are full weasels on this world.)] The two cause as much trouble for Nalvero’s soldiers, the Red Guards, as they can.

One day, however, they go too far. [Not clear what that means. What did they do?] The Red Guards trap them in a forest and set it on fire. The pair is rescued by a strange, young girl who resides in the forest. This stranger however, turns out to be more than she appears; she is the only human teenager on earth. [Wait, we're on Earth? And there's only one human teenager?] Rae and Arella plan to use the girl’s unique fighting skills and frightening appearance to help break their father out of jail. [The father is leading the rebellion from jail?] The young girl agrees to go, under the impression they know of someone who can help her obtain her animal form and become normal. Having lived alone in the forest for quite some time, she refuses to even give the pair her name. [I don't see the connection between having lived alone and refusing to give her name.] The group encounters Red Guards, a bounty hunter, curses, and several battles on their journey. Throughout their adventures [Meanwhile], King Nalvero consults with the King of Corpses through black magic and places numerous obstacles to stop the group on their mission. The King’s plans fail as the young girl begins to open up as she slowly bonds with Rae and Arella. [I don't see the connection between the plans failing and the slow bonding,] On the night before their father’s execution, [If Nalvero wanted to stop their mission, he should have moved the execution time up to immediately.] the group finds shelter with a canine tribe. The young girl even reveals her name -Ana. However, she quickly retracts her trust as she learns of Rae and Arella’s plan to use her. [Unfortunately, it's too late to retract the crucial revelation that her name is Ana.] The tribe is then captured by King Nalvero, who pretends to care for Ana as a part of a scheme devised by the King of Corpses. The whole setup turns out to be a trap as Nalvero reveals his malicious plan to kill them all. Just when Rae is about to be executed, [Rae? What about the father? Was he executed?] Ana realizes she does care about them and a great power surges up from deep inside her. [It is the Custodian of Colons.] She levels Nalvero’s army with just a wave of her hand. The trio realizes Ana’s great power and appearance must be a part of a well-known prophecy. They decide to travel together and push forward towards their destinies as a team. [What about the Dogs of Defense? Did they get killed? If so, change it. No one will want to read about dogs or even half-dogs being killed.]


Notes

I don't see the point of starting with the Actaids. First of all, only the King of Corpses gets mentioned as part of the plot, so he's the only one worth mentioning. Secondly, his role in the plot is minor, so even he isn't worth mentioning. And thirdly, the name "King of Corpses" sounds so silly that even if he were worth mentioning, mentioning him would kill your chances of selling the book. In fact, all the Actaids have silly deal-killing names. If they play a big role in the book, give them real names. We don't say God of Thunder, God of the Sky, God of the Sea. We say Thor, Uranus, Aquaman.

I realize that Superman often teams up with Batman, but that's just because he feels sorry for the guy. He doesn't need Batman. Likewise, if Ana can level armies with a wave of her hand, she doesn't need to be part of a trio with Dogbert and Wile E. You've given Ana unlimited power, without showing anything the other two can do beyond annoying the Red Guards.

You could condense this into the brief summary you include within your query letter. Once you get rid of the Actaids and the unnecessary information (e.g. The girl refuses to reveal her name. The girl reveals her name.) it should be about the right length for that. I recommend querying those who want you to include a synopsis only as a last resort. Better to focus your efforts on your book than on a synopsis.