Evil Editor's Blog, page 58

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Guess the Plot


From the Skies

1. Everyone is running, for the birds of the sky have a delivery for anyone below. If you thought Hitchcock's version was bad, just wait until you read the aftermath:  From the Skies: The White Deluge. 


2. It drips. It sprinkles. It dribbles, drizzles, plops, splashes, pours, and mists. There are many ways to describe rain. But what's coming down isn't rain. It's blood. And it reeks. 

3. Apprentice falconer Charles cleans the mews, treats the leather gloves, jesses, and hoods, etc. When one of the prized gyrfalcons falls ill, Master Abdul orders Charles to kill her. Instead he spirits her off to his quarters and nurses her back to health. Under his command, his new friend will take out Abdul, making Charles the head falconer.

4. The leader of the Skye Mission has been swooping in aboard his dragon and burning entire cities right and left. No one else has done anything to stop him, so it's up to Logan Winters to save the world. But is this thirteen-year-old girl up to the task?

5. When crack cable-car operator Hafno Witz suddenly discovers that his gondola is in free fall, he springs into action, organizing his panicked passengers into a synchronized arm-flapping team.

6. On a routine reconnaissance mission, air force lieutenant Chichun Liddle finds holes in the sky leading to another dimension. Unfortunately, the top brass are too concerned with budget cuts to fight off an alien invasion. Also, Cthulhu. 

7. The official cause of Mark Rugger's death is 'fall from an airplane'. But why does he have giant claw marks on his back?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Novel Title: From the Skies

Logan Winters has been chosen to join the Celestial League, a warrior alliance which governs her world. Logan is thirteen; her parents and friends tell her she is too young to survive on her own in the vast country of Lunos. [What's the connection between joining this warrior alliance and surviving alone in Lunos? That's like if you got drafted by the Golden State Warriors and when you show up for practice they tell you you're not actually on the team, you're playing alone in Antarctica.] [In other words, why are her parents saying, "You're too young to survive on your own in Lunos" instead of "You're too young to join the warrior alliance that governs our world."? She and her best friend Tracey set out to prove their naysayers wrong, confident they are capable of wielding Celestians, magical creatures with which humans have a fraught history. [Apparently to survive in Lunos you must be capable of wielding Celestrians? What does "wielding Celestrians" mean? Maybe there's a better word than "wielding."] [Also, I don't like "fraught history." A history fraught with betrayal/mistrust/treachery.] Shortly after leaving home, [Did their parents agree to let them go, or are they sneaking away?] Logan and Tracey [Has Tracey also been chosen to join the Celestial League?] encounter unexpected obstacles within themselves and without. Logan struggles to reconcile who she is [Logan Winters.] with who she wants to be, [Ariana Grande.] and Tracey is visited nightly with strange nightmares of darkness and terrible voices.

Logan and Tracey are blissfully unaware of the massive conflict threatening to strangle [a massive threat to] the Celestial League: the anarchistic Skye Mission, a once-noble organization whose leader has been burning cities left and right atop his golden dragon. [How did all these cities get on top of his dragon?] Will McCrae, who has served the League for years, joins his peers in an attempt to quash the destruction. [Rebellions are quashed. Destruction is ended.] An upheaval stirs the League; those who would choose peace struggle with those hungry for war. [As usual, those hungry for war are the ones with the dragons.] Will himself must decide which he values most: his duty to the League, or his duty to those he might lose if he remains loyal. [Whom will he lose by staying loyal?]

The Skye Mission suffers corruption of its own. Skylar Lethe, its leader, is a dangerous yet noble man, focused not on destruction [This is the guy who's been burning cities left and right, right?] but reconciliation with his past mistakes. [Once he's incinerated every city he ever made a mistake in, he'll finally be able to sleep at night.] His obsession with what was has blinded him to what is: an uprising within the Mission, led by a woman with a love for depraved killing methods and a man whose incredible intelligence only enhances his sociopathic tendencies. [Finally, some characters I can identify with.] Skylar is ruthless: he sees the clear path from point A to point B and he will do absolutely anything to achieve his ultimate goal. [Which is point C.] [He sounds a lot like the depraved woman and sociopathic man. What's Skylar's ultimate goal, and what's theirs?] 

All sides in this war threaten to converge in a cataclysmic final battle in the city of Columba. Logan and Tracey will suffer betrayal; Will, heartbreak; and Skylar, treason. [Everyone ends up miserable? Is this fantasy or litfic?]

FROM THE SKIES is the first in the six-part Celestial Cycle and is [complete at] 100,000 words in its completed form. It follows a close-third-person point of view style and is told in the unique voices of five characters from different sides of the conflict (Logan, Tracey, Will, Skylar, and a conflicted member of the Skye Mission named Natalia). It’s a fantasy novel that examines the morality of war, along with the fundamental definition of a good person. It will appeal to new adults who grew up on the Harry Potter series with its diverse cast, youthful protagonists, and adult themes hidden beneath dragons and adventure. [It is a standalone fantasy novel with series potential.] [If that's not true, you'd best make it true, as there's no chance of selling a six-part anything at this stage of your career.]

I am a graduate student at Villanova University, studying for a Masters in Theater. I am an avid reader of fantasy; I was reared on The Chronicles of Narnia and Harry Potter. [I don't see any of that helping your cause.]

Sincerely,


Notes

So in a few days a planet-ruling warrior alliance and a guy with a dragon capable of burning entire cities and Goldfinger and Dracula's bride and a thirteen-year-old girl with her best friend will converge on one city. Lemme guess: the kids win.

This is mostly a list of characters with some information about each one. It's pretty vague when it comes to what happens. The people threaten to converge. If you choose one character to focus the query on you might have room to get to the plot. Obviously the most intriguing character is the woman with a love for depraved killing methods, but it seems Logan and Will play bigger roles. I'd focus on Will, as he's the one with the obvious conflict, and Logan, being thirteen, is more likely to appeal to sixth-graders than new adults.

You might consider putting this project aside while you write a 90,000-word fantasy. Like The Hobbit. When you reach the point where everything you touch turns to gold, you can hit them with your epic hexalogy.

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Guess the Plot

Time of Death

1. Morty is tired of calling out the time of death for all of his clients. Even the most lively ones die. But hey, at least work as a grim reaper is nothing if not steady.

2. 74 year old Ralph Commings has an old Regulator clock that tirelessly ticks away his life. One night he hears it say "When I stop, you will die." Is he losing his mind or is he really tied to the clock? Or is his 34-year-old trophy wife behind it all?

3. Every time Kevin dies he comes back to life thirteen hours before his death. Now he has to decide whether to use this power to prevent his death or to commit suicide thousands of times until he's a child again. Also, a serial killer who targets fencers.

4. Father Time wants a vacation, but the only other AP (anthropomorphic personification) available to fill in is the Grim Reaper, and Grim has a tendency to kill everything he touches. Maybe FT should just take a long weekend.

5. The body was found in a grocery store freezer, right between the frozen shrimp and the ice cream. Now ace forensic scientist Trent Lockwood must find a way to determine the time of death without body temperature, or the serial killer known as The Eskimo will go free.

6. 4:30 P.M. If you're talking about Lord Nelson.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Novel Title: Time of Death

Yesterday, Kevin and Jenna crossed blades in their playful [play-foil] fencing competition. Today she is lifeless on the ground, stabbed through the heart by a man calling himself a shadow duelist. And he’s going to get away with it. [Somehow (possibly it's the word "playful") I got the impression Kevin and Jenna are children with Styrofoam swords. As we're about to find out they're in high school, you might change "in their playful fencing competition" to "at fencing practice." Although . . . Are the events of yesterday and today connected? For instance, was Jenna's body found today where it has lain since yesterday when she was killed by the shadow duelist who took possession of Kevin's body during their fencing competition? If so, that could be made clear, and if not, do we need to know they crossed swords yesterday?] 

Instead of seeing a high school girl murdered, police will shake their heads at the tragedy of a car accident. The ancient magic of the shadow duels will conceal the truth. Kevin must to step up and beat the shadow duelist at his own game. [His own game being fencing?] [Was Kevin present when the shadow duelist killed Jenna? If not, how does he know what happened?] If he fails, his friends will be the next to die. [He knows this how?] But will his own skills be enough? [Since you asked, I would say the chances of a high school kid named Kevin out-fencing the shadow duelist can be rounded up to zero.] Or will he meet the same end as Jenna, swept under the rug as a victim of cruel fate? ["Swept under the rug" suggests the police consciously tried to hide what happened. "Mistakenly labeled" sounds closer to reality.]

I graduated last spring from Southwest Minnesota State University with a Literature – Creative Writing degree, and am eager to begin my professional career. [I hope you mean your career teaching literature or creative writing.] At present, I run a satirical blog called “Socks and Moccasins” on my website DanielKilkelly.com, and publish a weekly serial, “The Adventures of Little Richard and Tangles” on JukePop Serials. 

Sincerely,


[The query doesn't exactly explain the title. Since my story is a bit convoluted, [A word I don't recommend using to describe the story to anyone who matters.] I tried to keep the query tight and simple, but here is the reason for the title: whenever my main character dies, time is set back thirteen hours, and he gets a chance to relive the same day over again.] [That's similar to what happens to Tom Cruise in Edge of Tomorrow, except that Tom keeps dying in a battle and Kevin apparently keeps dying in a fencing duel? Spoiler alert: If Kevin keeps committing suicide as soon as he comes back, eventually time will be set back to before Jenna was stabbed. Then together they can take down the shadow duelist and become shadow duelists themselves and live happily ever after. 



Notes

I was going to suggest that something like one of the following would be a way to start the query if you don't want to start with Yesterday Kevin and Jenna were happy fencers: 

Feedback Request

Here's the latest version of the Zuhair/Zorab query:



While Zuhair is away on a hunting trip, a seer sees that his father, King Zorab is trapped in his castle by a cult. [The seer needs to do more than see it. Change "sees" to "tells him" or "reports."] Since all the commanders and council members, except Zuhair, are besieged [I assume they're not still under siege. You can just delete "besieged" or replace it with "imprisoned" or "confined."] in the castle with Zorab, help from outside cannot arrive. [Commanders and council members being in the castle doesn't prevent outside help from arriving. A moat across the only road in might. Outside help does arrive, in the next sentence.] Zuhair takes [rounds up? recruits? enlists?] soldiers from a distant city, fights intense battles with the cult, and shatters it. He is known [hailed or celebrated.] as a hero.
But Zuhair is the youngest of three brothers, and each of his elder brothers have [has] a longing for kingship. [No need to refer to them as "elder brothers when you just told us Zuhair is the youngest.] Frajor, second son of Zorab is plotting [to murder Zorab and Ghoril], so he can rule himself. Meanwhile Ghoril struggles with feelings of jealousy against Zuhair. Ghoril longs to be a hero, something his revulsion for the common people, and [his] extravagance, doesn't allow him to become, [Neither revulsion for common people nor extravagance is unknown among military heroes. Cowardice and ignorance of strategy and tactics are more likely to stand in the way.] and he blames [resents] Zuhair for winning battles he could not win. 
Returning victorious to the castle, Zuhair plans to make the princes talk more to end their rivalry, and Zorab plans a hunting trip for the three princes together. But their rivalry increases as both ["Both" refers to two people. There are three princes.] observe the others [other's or others', depending on how many others you're talking about.] ambitions before the trip can be planned, [The trip was already "planned" in the previous sentence.] and the two princes still hate Zuhair as equally [much] as they hate each other. 
Tiring of the bickering and acting on the wishes of the council and the Azarian people, Zorab decides to proclaim Zuhair heir for his altruism and victories against the cult.
But before Zorab can declare his intention, Frajor poisons him and tries to do the same with his brothers. The brothers survive, however, though Frajor escapes suspicion. [The entire ruling family except Frajor get poisoned, and no one suspects Frajor even though he hates them all and benefits the most?] As Ghoril looks ready [prepares] to take the throne, Zuhair must decide whether a profligate, commoner-hating, king-to-be will be fit to rule a poverty stricken kingdom like Azaria, or should he be replaced? [Why does this decision fall to Zuhair? There must be a system in place to determine who becomes king.]
Kingdom of fire [Kingdom of Fire] is epic fantasy, complete at 102,000 words. It comes with a map and list of characters.


Notes

It probably appears I'm nitpicking, but as Mark Twain once said (approximately), "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug." We have no reason to believe the book won't need as much work as the query, and that's more work than a publisher will want to invest.

Face-Lift 1326

Guess the Plot

Chipeta's Beading

1. A 1200 page expository on historical Native American beadwork. No illustrations, but comes with a small pouch of beads.

2. Chipeta's beading is in great demand, as each bead can grant a single wish to someone pure of heart. When a greedy lord inherits a tapestry with her beading, no one cares--until they realize "pure of heart" includes pure greed.

3. Chipeta volunteers to create a prayer shawl to save the country of Miggiglegigle. Unfortunately, each bead costs the soul of a noble, voluntarily given. Jack decides the nobles don't need to know what they're volunteering for, and a dictatorship would make people happier anyway. Also, unicorn pearls.

4. Dr. Amber Garcia believes the exquisite Ute beadwork piece in the box of junk jewelry is actually the work of Chipeta, the famous Ute woman. But how will she convince the head of the department to spend the money on the box, and restore the gorgeous piece?

5. Native American Chipeta may have once rode in the president's private railroad car, and been photographed by Matthew Brady, but instead of letting fame go to her head she always clung to the old ways, like making stuff with beads. This is her incredible story.



Original Version

Most Americans are not familiar with her name, but Chipeta is a beloved figure in Colorado [history], where [she] was inducted into the Colorado Women's Hall of Fame in 1985. In the late 1800's, she was a true partner with her husband, Chief Ouray, and the only woman allowed to sit on the Ute council. She shared her husband's desire for peace, and travelled with him to Washington D.C. in 1880. CJ Brafford, director of the Ute Indian Museum, says "Her greatest strength was her gentleness." 

[Chipeta was inducted into the Colorado Women's Hall of Fame in 1985.] Her story is important because she puts a human face on the enormous changes that faced the Native Americans during the whites' push west. In her lifetime she tanned hides with animal brains, and later had her portrait taken by famed photographer Matthew Brady. She was nearly lynched to shouts of "Kill the red devils!" and later cheered by crowds as she waved from an automobile in a parade. She saved her band's women and children, protected the captives of the Meeker Massacre, and rode in President Taft's private railroad car, [and had her portrait taken by famed photographer Matthew Brady]. Through all the changes around her, she held on to the old ways through her skilled beadwork. [That's like saying, Though she ruled the British Empire for 63 years, survived several assassination attempts, and hosted the first Wimbledon tennis championship, Queen Victoria is best remembered for her prolific knitting.] 

I'm encouraged by the 2015 publication of Hiawatha and the Peacemaker, by Robbie Roberston [Robertson] and David Shannon (Harry N. Abrams). That PB is 48 pages long, and shows there is an interest in Native American subject matter. There are no picture books about Chipeta, and the museums I visited said they'd be happy to carry one. "Chipeta, Queen of the Utes" by Becker and Smith, and "Searching for Chipeta" by Krudwig are for older readers. Mine [Chipeta's Beading] is for elementary students, grades 2-5.

Why am I the one to write her story? My author friend Nancy Flood and I talked about this at the SCBWI non-fiction summit in Boulder. Nancy feels we are fortunate to have the time to research and write, and that since we are able to share stories of Native Americans, we should, always hoping that our books will inspire Native children to write their own books. I've lived most of my life in western Colorado. I soak in the hot springs where Chipeta soaked and ride through the same aspen groves where she rode. We both loved children I feel a kinship with her. and When I visited her grave, I found a white feather on the path. One translation of her name is "white singing bird." [This is a clear sign that Chipeta has chosen me to tell her story.] 

[I am an SCBWI member. My hope is that my book will inspire Native children to write their own books. I've enclosed an outline of the book and the first five pages.]



Notes

Does Chipeta sound more like Chippewa or Chiquita or Gepetto? I hate reading a whole book and finding out I've been pronouncing the MC's name wrong in my head.

I see no reason this project wouldn't find a publisher. If you've already written the book, you need to say so and include some sample pages. If you're waiting for a publisher to okay the project, I still recommend getting started so you can include sample pages. Maybe the entire book will be finished by the time someone gets back to you. 

I'm sure Chipeta's beadwork was important to her, but I don't see how it rates being in the title or even in the query. Even though she was a prolific knitter, Eleanor Roosevelt's autobiography isn't titled Eleanor Roosevelt's Knitting.

Synopsis 53

I have decided that before sending the query letter I will send the synopsis to you so you can know the story and help when I write the query letter because you will know the background. Thank you for the patience you have shown with me. Please judge this synopsis and if you don't mind I will send a revised query letter soon. Thank you so much. Its very nice of you to give me the opportunity to improve my writing, query and synopsis.


Synopsis:

ZUHAIR is the youngest son of ZORAB. Zorab is king of Azaria, and has two older sons other than Zuhair.

Zuhair is in the city of Katraden, a part of Azaria but with some cultural differences. Here a seer reveals a rebellion has taken place in the capital of Azaria and Zorab is trapped in the castle by a cult. Only Zuhair can and wants to free his father because the commanders of the army are trapped with Zorab in the castle and the armies of Azaria [are] confused and disorganized. GHORIL, eldest son of Zorab is trapped in the same castle but the second son FRAJOR is in the capital near the castle and is plotting to take the throne. Frajor waits patiently for [after] the cult to kill[s] his father and brother.

In Katraden, the local count JAAGA offers support and Zuhair leads an army from the city to defeat the cult. They march through the countryside but are spotted by a team of Azarian spies who believe they are rebels from Katraden taking advantage of the cults [cult's] rebellion to invade Azaria. This misconception is caused because the troops wear the clothing of Katraden and the soldiers talk in their language. Katraden is also distrusted by common Azarians. The spies manage to relay this information to Zorab after creating a diversion in the cult camp in the capital, fighting a vicious battle with the cultists surrounding the gate and racing towards the castle gates later.

Meanwhile some of the Katraden soldiers show hesitation to obey Zuhair's orders and instead look to Jaaga for instructions. However when they clear a city on the way to the Azarian capital, fighting together, they begin to respect Zuhair. In this city Zuhair augments his army with troops provided by local commanders and nobles. Jaaga plays a hefty role in convincing the selfish and power hungry nobles to fight and join their army to free the capital. The army is now a joint Azarian-Katraden force.

After fighting a major battle with the cult in the capital, Zuhair ends the blockade of the royal castle and crushes the cult. But distrust sparks when the archers and siege engines at the walls of Zorab's castle shower Zuhair and Jaaga's joint army with arrows and siege ammunition, some of which kills Katraden soldiers as they come nearer to the castle. The archers firing at Zuhair's men have been provided information [informed] by the spies that their [approaching] army wants to take Azaria rather than save it and they do not know Zuhair is part of it. The situation is tense and Katraden soldiers suspect they have been led into a trap. But Zuhair personally goes with his banner to edge of the walls under a hail of arrow fire. Zorab recognizes him and his banner and opens the gate, eventually welcoming Zuhair, Jaaga and his senior commanders with a lavish feast.

The spies are exiled for providing incorrect intelligence. But Frajor is frustrated because the cult failed to kill his father and brothers. He successfully poisons Zorab and tries to poison the two prince's [princes] in a bid to rule the kingdom himself. Although he escapes suspicion by murdering his own man, responsible for poisoning the king upon his instructions, he now has to be careful though he has intentions of slaying the princes too.

Ghoril is crowned the new king of Azaria in a ceremony. Zuhair is the first to take an oath to defend him and nobles and commanders follow suit.


Questions:

1) Should I include the fact that Tavulun has recently crushed a rebellion north of his territory and seeks to invade Azaria? He is eventually stopped by an invasion from his west and his attention is diverted.  No.

2) I have changed the storyline and though Frajor will be caught for killing the king it will happen in the second book. You told me to focus more on the family dynamics in the query letter. However the story has changed because I have expanded the book into two books.

3) Should I mention the cult in the query letter? The problem is almost 3/5th of the book focuses on the fight with the cult. Thus it is an important part of the query. You said I should mention rebels instead of cultists but shouldn't I be specific? Because another rebellion is being planned in the northwest and will be there in the second book. I consider rebels more likely to succeed in entering a castle and subduing soldiers than a cult would be, but I guess it depends on how you define a cult in this world. If you call them a cult in the book, yes you should call them that in the query.

4) Ghoril while he is trapped in the castle leads a group of his royal bodyguard on a suicide mission to fight the cult which can get him killed. His recklessness loses him the respect of Zorab and his council, which is trapped in the castle with him. Should this be included? No.

5) Before Zorab, the king is poisoned he writes a document declaring Zuhair will be heir instead of Ghoril because of his heroics in defeating the cult and Ghoril's equal recklessness. The entire council of Zorab wants Zuhair to be heir and he acts on their advice though he does not have time to tell anyone he has made the decision. But Zorab is poisoned by Frajor before he can enforce the order. However the document is lying on his study table. Ghoril comes to this table when he is searching for information on who poisoned Zorab and burns the document so that no one suspects he is no longer heir. Should all of this be mentioned? Depends on how long a synopsis you are writing. All we need to know is that the king chose Zuhair, but died without telling anyone.

6) The ending is not optimistic. Is that a problem? But I intend to write a second novel and a third one based on the same kingdom. The second one too will not have an optimistic ending though the third one might. You can't assume that you will be able to sell three books. Thus this book needs an ending that feels like an ending. Leaving some loose ends to be resolved later is okay, but this book should stand on its own. That doesn't mean it must be optimistic, but I don't recommend ending with a sense of hopelessness.


I've attempted to trim the synopsis, but the missing words, wordiness, punctuation errors and some missing commas will not be your friend when trying to convince an agent to represent your book.

Face-Lift 1325

Guess the Plot

The Gift of Malachi

1. Turns out the holy book has one last chapter. However, due to spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, the messenger did not feel it worthy of inclusion. Now the fate of the world rests within its faulty text, as long as nothing is misinterpreted.

2. Annie has been set up on so many blind dates she's considering learning braille. The latest installment arrives on her doorstep on Christmas Eve wearing a large red bow. Only a large red bow.

3. To reward the doctor from Karachi who cured his splotchy skin, Malachi hires a Mariachi band to perform while the doctor's grilling on a hibachi. The doctor's wife is not amused . . . until he buys her a Versace bag.

4. In post-Civil War Nevada, thirteen-year-old Malachi helps a grizzled old miner to protect an ancient Mesopotamian object from the immortal necromancer who'll stop at nothing to get it. Normally, a kid wouldn't be much help, but I haven't told you about Malachi's "gift."

5. When Chinese psychic Chin Tong declares that the energy of the universe is being sucked dry, he coins the term "malachi." But newscasters mispronounce the term, and people think he's predicted a bad year for chai tea. A run on tea stores leads to a shortage, until Chai tea becomes the world's most valuable commodity and the world economy implodes.



Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

A thirteen-year-old son of a former slave finds himself entangled, first in the dream world, then in the real world, in an impossible battle to the death in the American Old West with an evil necromancer who seemingly cannot die. [Battling to the death with someone who's immortal is like trying to eat oatmeal with an ice pick. Or, to misquote Vizzini, "Never go in against someone who can't die when death is on the line!"] [We don't need a "hook" at the beginning, especially if most of it is going to be repeated in the next sentence.]

Malachi Moses Washington is a thirteen-year-old son of a former slave who had moved with his mother to the mining town of Virginia City, Nevada [Gol dang it, now ah'm gonna have the Bonanza theme running through mah head all day.] soon after the U. S. Civil War. [Not that I would expect anyone to misinterpret that, but "who had moved with his mother to the mining town of Virginia City" could refer to the former slave rather than to Malachi. Perhaps: Malachi Moses Washington, the thirteen-year-old son of a former slave, moves with his mother...] In the turbulent Old West, Malachi and his mother struggle to eke out a living for themselves and escape the residual racism of 19th century America.

Malachi finds himself part of a small group of characters including a war veteran gunslinger, an elderly Scottish professor, and a young Scottish doctor [Apparently you couldn't swing a dead cat in 1875 Nevada without hitting a Scottish guy.] [Aha! According to the Online Nevada Encyclopedia, "Although Scots were one of the larger groups to settle North America, the Irish and Cornish eclipsed them in Nevada." Consider making your doctor Cornish. It's funnier.] [For those who aren't familiar with the Cornish, they're people from Cornwall in England, famous mainly for the delicious game hens they introduced to Nevada in the 1860s.] [Also, those don't sound like the sort of people Malachi would just "find himself" hanging out with. What brought them together?] when an old miner appears with an ancient Mesopotamian object

[Scottish professor: Whit ur ye holdin' in yer hain, auld timer?

Grizzled old miner: This? Oh, just . . . an ancient Mesopotamian object.]

and tales of a man of pure evil determined to do him harm.

Soon after this, Malachi has disturbing dreams of each of the men that include a strange “man in grey.” This man seems to hold knowledge of each of them and maliciously accuses them of past wrongdoings. The man in grey is relentlessly pursuing the old miner, and now this new group, in an effort to retrieve the ancient object, but the old miner insists it is necessary to “hold his devils at bay.” [If you mean the miner's devils, shouldn't that be, since it's in quotes, "to hold my devils at bay"?] The group realizes that Malachi is somehow the key to uniting them and staving off the man in grey’s assault. [Is this all in Malachi's dreams, or did we come back to the real world at some point in the paragraph? If the latter, starting a new paragraph when were back in reality would help.] [Does Malachi do something that causes everyone to realize he's the key?]

Malachi learns what the old miner means by "his devils" [Was "his devils" a phrase Malachi dreamed the miner used, or did he actually say it?] as numerous recently dead corpses rise from the local graveyard and threatened him and his friends in a chase through the silver mines of 1875 Nevada. [You've waited this long to mention that you have zombies in your book? Those should be worked into the first sentence: A thirteen-year-old son of a former slave finds himself entangled, first in the dream world, with a man whose wardrobe consists of fifty shades of grey, then in the real world, with the walking dead.] [Note that by subtly mentioning a very popular book and TV show, you can subliminally suggest that your book, once published, will be equally popular.]

Miraculously [After] surviving the attack through perilous, and often ingenious, means, Malachi then returns to the surface to find out that the man in grey has physically arrived in Virginia City himself. Malachi was able to fend off his evil plot in the dream world, [but] can he now face him in the real world? [Facing him is the easy part. Can he vanquish him?]

THE GIFT OF MALACHI is a 62,000 word Middle-Grade Fantasy novel. Thank you for your valuable time and advice.

Best regards,


Notes

Does the miner mention what will happen if the man in grey gets hold of the ancient Mesopotamian object? Because that would help us know what's at stake. Does he want it because it will grant him three wishes or because it will complete his collection or because it will make him the supreme ruler of the universe?

Doesn't this object resemble anything enough that you can give it a more specific name than "object"? Like knife or amulet or falcon statuette? Even artifact would be better.

Unless it's not important to the plot, it might be a good idea to spell out what Malachi's gift is.

Is racism a theme of the book? They moved to Nevada to escape racism, but if the Nevada part of the story doesn't involve racism, maybe the query shouldn't mention it. If it does involve racism, you might say how.

Is the man in grey called that because he's not a flashy dresser? Because if I had a dream about a strange man of pure evil, I doubt I would wake up remembering that his clothes were grey. It would be like remembering that when he bit off your nose, Hannibal Lecter was wearing brown socks. Also, note that Hannibal's nickname was the Cannibal, not the man in drab.

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Evil Editor has offered his editing services numerous times in charity auctions aiding various causes, including juvenile diabetes, Hurricane Sandy relief, Hope for Vision, and Farm Sanctuary. Combined, these services have raised over $25,000.

Author Brenda Novak, whose auction to raise money for diabetes research you may be familiar with, has learned that Revlon is donating a million extra dollars to the chosen charity of whichever group (from among 48) raises the most money during a specified time period. She has joined the challenge. Here's her page.

I've agreed to participate, but Revlon's terms don't allow an auction, so I have to set a price for my "donation(s)".  Then I guess it goes to whomever first pays that price. As if people are shopping at a store.

When I've offered to edit an entire book, I've raised anywhere from $1000 to $3900 at auction. That's a big difference, because auction items go higher when there's more than one person who wants them, and when more than one of them has the (tax-deductible) money to spend. As this won't be an auction, I have to guess at what my services will bring in. Factors I'm considering:

1. If I price myself too high, no one will buy me. This doesn't help the cause. On the other hand, it gets me out of doing any work.

2. Pricing myself too low means the charity gets less than they might have, and that could be the difference between winning and losing the extra million dollars from Revlon.

3. There'll be plenty of other editors and agents available, so I don't want to go overboard.

4. On the other hand, I suspect most of the others will be offering to evaluate just a few chapters rather than edit an entire book. And none of the others can claim to be  the world's most famous editor.

5. Ms. Novak if giving a trip to Hawaii to the person who raises the most among her donors, so the higher my price, the better my chances of winning that prize. Unless I would have won the prize if I hadn't priced myself so high.


Factors you might consider:

1. Your book will be improved, which will be nice when you end up self-publishing it.

2. Your chances of getting the book published will be improved, but if those chances are currently one in a thousand, improving them by 50% makes them one in five hundred.

3. Even if your book gets published, it's possible you'll earn less than you spent having it edited.

4. You could absorb knowledge that will stay with you so that future projects won't be in such dire need of editing.

5. You will force me to read your entire book when you know I'd rather be binge-watching Mister Robot.



So the purpose of this post is to get an idea how much demand there is to have Evil Editor edit your book. Or to have Evil Editor do anything else, like show up at your writing convention or buy you lunch. Especially if you're someone who normally makes hefty annual charitable contributions, and would like, for once, to get something in return beyond the warm fuzzy feeling of having aided humanity.

Respond in the comments or at evledtr@gmail.com.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1324 requests feedback on the revision below:


Dear Agent,

Seventeen year old Rajani prefers practicing her martial arts to practically anything else except traveling in a caravan across the desert. Far-off places and unfamiliar faces are just the kind of adventure she’s looking for, but as a princess she’s rarely allowed outside the royal gates much less the city. [I feel a song coming on.

Martial arts training and faraway places,
Crossing the desert and strange-looking faces,
Travel and judo and and wild happenings:
These are a few of my favorite things.]

When her father is betrayed and murdered, Rajani fears she’ll be next and flees the city. She hides amid a caravan and plots her revenge. But revenge won’t come cheap and though her skills are considerable Rajani is no match for those who want her dead. She needs money and lots of it. [What's the main thing she needs money for?]

She meets Anthony, the leader of an expedition on the track [trail] of a mythological beast rumored to hoard large quantities of gold, and agrees to accompany him on his quest in exchange for a share of the treasure. [She needs to do more than accompany him if she wants a share. Assist? Aid? Support?] [Also, if the treasure is a rumor and the beast is a myth, I'm not sure how big a commitment I'd want to make to this expedition.] [Has she left the caravan? I'm not sure we need the caravan in the query. She can just flee the city and meet Anthony.]

It’s an uneasy partnership as their very different cultures clash. She earns the respect of the team members when her fighting skills save the day. [From what?] Tentative friendships arise [form] when she agrees to teach [teaches] these skills to some of the team members including Anthony. They’re soon operating as a cohesive unit, but Rajani finds herself wishing for a little one-on-one time with Anthony.

As her feelings for Anthony deepen, Rajani wonders if he would share her affection [Is he returning her affection now?] if [he] knew of her plans to – slowly and painfully - kill those responsible for her father’s death. And while she is willing to pay the price of vengeance with her life, must it be at the expense of her heart? [That sounds good, but on closer examination it seems to say she's willing to die as long as it doesn't mean losing Anthony.] 

Desert Gold is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 82,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

If Rajani needed money to hire mercenaries to help her get revenge, she now has a cohesive unit of trained fighters, and presumably there's treasure enough behind the royal gates.

The first paragraph doesn't have much besides revealing that Rajani practices martial arts.

 It's an improvement, but maybe you can work with something like this:


When her father is betrayed and murdered, Princess Rajani fears she’ll be next and flees the city to plot her revenge. But revenge won’t come cheap. She'll need money, and lots of it, to hire an army of mercenaries.

She meets Anthony, the leader of a treasure-hunting expedition and agrees to aid him in his quest in exchange for a share of the treasure. It’s an uneasy partnership as their cultures clash, but she earns the respect of the team members when her martial arts skills help drive away some desert marauders. Friendships form when she teaches her skills to Anthony's team. 

As she and Anthony grow closer, Rajani wonders if she would lose his affection if he knew who she was, knew of her plans to – slowly and painfully - kill those responsible for her father’s death. She was willing to risk her life for vengeance, but is she willing to risk her love? 

Olympic Toons

Based on a True Story

Click to enlarge.